More Reasons to Love You (Chapter 9)

[ipacacdoll]

 

(A/N: Sorry this update took so long! School is so busy right now, and I was left a little unsure of how far I wanted to take this update. I hope you enjoy this update, and haven’t forgotten the fic, lol. A huge thanks go to LJ who helped me with a lot of the brain stickiness and who allowed me to bounce ideas off of her like the brick wall that she is!)

Meredith had days where she woke up a little more optimistic than others- she knew Derek accepted, and even loved her self-dubbed ‘dark-and-twistiness’, but it was nice for her to not feel it some days. Her life now was better than it was before. She had a husband, she was happy with him, and she wasn’t feeling beaten at work. Meredith would never be able to shake the damage of her childhood, where her mother treated her as an obligation she’d rather not have, but recently it seemed to hurt less than it did before.

They had a Saturday and Sunday together- which to them, was like gold dust. Pagers were forgotten in jeans pockets and purses, and they had time to catch up on all the real life things the hospital prevented them from doing. Surgeries were great- there was nothing like the buzz from a surgery, but it was exhausting, and Meredith didn’t consider it to be everything- not like her mother. There were pleasures she couldn’t get out of surgeries-like that feeling of waking up without an alarm.

Pulling her hair up into a messy ponytail, she padded into the kitchen, where Derek was leaning back on his chair, back towards her as he sipped his coffee. Meredith approached him, running her hand over the nape of his neck, her fingers brushing his messy curls as she kissed him good morning, before she sat down beside him. She raised her eyebrows mischievously, grinning as she grabbed his full mug of coffee and took a gulp.

“You think you’re cute…” Derek rolled his eyes exaggeratedly before laboriously getting up and pouring himself another cup of coffee. “But payback’s a bitch.”

“Payback?!” Meredith’s brow wrinkled as she wondered what the payback could be. She would have been more worried about it, but she could see Derek’s smirk- she could read him like a book now, even though she could see him trying to hide his smile.

“Mmhmm. You wanted equal ownership of the trial, and Mass. General contacted me, wanting me to go there, give a little presentation and showcase our technique next month, so I gave you the credit you deserve, and volunteered you to present, you know, explain your rationale…” Derek smiled, sipping his coffee.

Meredith surprised him with her reaction. She leaned forward, closer to Derek, her leg rubbing his lightly as her weight shifted. “You and me in Boston? Could be fun… I could show you all my haunts…”

Derek raised his eyebrows. “All the childhood ones? Like the park where you used to play on the swings?”

Meredith shook her head and laughed at him, getting up to grab her box of sugary cereal from the cupboard. “No. I mean the bars in Boston I used to go to in undergrad at the weekends- if you knew enough people there was always someone going…”

Derek sat back, trying to read the paper as Meredith peeked over his shoulder, spooning the cereal into her mouth as her eyes scanned the text quickly. Party girl Meredith still intrigued him- not because he didn’t know how well she could hold her alcohol- he’d been on the losing side to that contest before, but because the Meredith he knew was hard-working, and would have never taken a day off for no reason. She didn’t hide behind the alcohol anymore, didn’t want to blur her memories with tequila, but wanted to remember every one.

He couldn’t pretend his heart didn’t beat faster as he thought back to his first encounter with Meredith, which was most definitely alcohol fuelled- and what that felt like, even though the room was spinning at the time.

Derek felt like he wasn’t in control of his limbs as Meredith dragged him out of the cab he found himself in, sprawled over the backseat with this girl he had barely met. They took some time to get to the front door, their legs and heads in complete discordance as they staggered to her front door. By the time Meredith had remembered her keys were in her purse, Derek’s shirt was already unbuttoned, and the promise of something so meaningless had him impatient.
He was Derek Shepherd. He was a god-like Neurosurgeon, although the woman cursing at her keys in front of him didn’t know that- she didn’t know anything. She didn’t know his wife was one of the best neonatal surgeons on the east coast, and she didn’t know the only reason Derek was even in Seattle was because she cheated on him with his oldest friend. But he didn’t know anything either- because a week ago, if someone had told him Addison Montgomery-Shepherd would have slept with Mark Sloan, he’d have laughed in their face.

The door slammed behind them, the glass shaking as Meredith pushed him against it, her lips all over his. He let himself get carried away by this woman he barely knew, hoping it would make that lost feeling go away for at least a little while. He hadn’t been with another woman in the past fifteen years, and for the past eleven he had never thought he would again. Marriage was for life, until death do us part, and in his mother’s case-beyond. He knew what Addison liked, how she liked to be touched, where she liked to be kissed…and with this girl he knew nothing, and yet somehow, this is just what he needed.

Meredith usually kept her eyes closed when she was doing slutty things to the different guys she picked up in bars- she didn’t want to see what was behind them, because it wasn’t about what they were feeling, for that moment, it was all self-gratification. She had learned not to hope for anything more than what she had in the present, because people disappointed her. The night before her first shift at the hospital wasn’t supposed to be like this- but why change the habit of her adult lifetime? This is what she did. But with this guy- everything felt different. She couldn’t take her eyes off his blue ones, and she saw a sadness behind them, one that she felt inside of herself too. He was also broken by something, or someone, and that intrigued her.

They sank onto the couch in a mass of limbs, and Derek watched her emotions play out on her face like a storyboard. She stared into his eyes, and he could see a pain that mirrored his. In that moment, what they shared was special, but Derek didn’t think any further than that night. He wasn’t looking for anything other than what this was- something meaningless, meaningless like his marriage, meaningless like his friendship with Mark, meaningless like the past eleven years of his life.

And after the third time that night, there was no small talk, because there was nothing to say. There was no cuddling, no intimacy, just space. That bond they had before was broken, and now they were just two strangers again- people who knew nothing about each other, and yet, Derek felt like he knew more of this girl who pushed him off the couch more than he realised. Once the alcohol wore off, he wasn’t sure what this would feel like- he hadn’t done this in so long; but he was grateful to the girl who was now snoring on the couch loudly as he adjusted the throw pillow under his head that cushioned the hardwood floor- because she made the ache inside his heart reduce a little.

“Hey Derek- turn the page…” Meredith nudged him, breaking the memory he had of their first night together.

Derek smiled as he dutifully complied- this was what Meredith did. She always read the newspaper over his shoulder, either heckling him to turn the page or to stay on it, but she rarely read it if she had it to herself. Derek didn’t mind- he liked the interaction, the throwaway comments of an article that they were interested in, the way Meredith’s head rested on his shoulder as she scanned the pages.

Who would have known that the girl who was his cathartic one night stand would be his wife? After she had kicked him out of her house with an embarrassed handshake, he had never expected to see her again.

“What are you thinking about?” Meredith asked him, noticing he was unusually quiet. She had noticed that far away look in his eyes, and had that feeling that he wasn’t quite there. She was asking questions now, because she wasn’t afraid of the answers anymore, she was stronger than that, she had more than enough happiness in her life to deal with it if it was a reply she wasn’t prepared to hear.

Out of habit, she held her breath anyway, until she saw the crinkles crease at the corners of Derek’s eyes, and felt his hand move across the paper to hers, wrapping his warm fingers around her own. “I was thinking about you.” He admitted in a quiet tone. “I was thinking of how we have come from a nameless drunken one night stand to here. How at the beginning, I was just another guy at a bar, and who knew it would reach this point?”

And to Meredith, that was the exact point of one night stands. Because she made the act of sex so trivial, that she couldn’t envisage a future with these men. She didn’t have to have that awkward conversation about her mother, and they didn’t have to know about her issues that made her who she was. She was just a girl in a bar. And because of Derek’s dogged pursuit of her and her affections, she had reached this point; this point where she could share who she was, and know it didn’t make someone run away screaming. He wanted to be with her.

Meredith laughed. “Well- I guess we could go those bars in Boston and pretend to be the ‘guy in a bar’ and ‘girl in a bar’ although, I think there’s something in knowing more about each other than just that.”

Derek picked up their mugs and bowls, and rinsed them in the sink, watching her collapse onto the couch and put her feet up on the coffee table as she indulged in their lazy morning. He sat beside her, pulling her towards him so she virtually lay on him while his toes touched hers on the coffee table. “See? I told you I’m someone you need to get to know to love…”

‘So if I know you, I'll love you?’

His hands slid down, circling her waist, slipping under the t-shirt she was wearing to feel her smooth skin. “I still think that was a bit presumptuous…” Meredith elbowed his side playfully. “There’s still lots of things we don’t know about each other.”

Derek pulled her even closer to kiss her neck as he mumbled into the unruly wisps of hair that fell out of her ponytail. “I loved you before I knew you, so nothing you tell me will stop me from loving you.”

“You’re really turning up the cheese this morning.” Meredith laughed as she hooked one of her legs over his and pulled herself up to straddle him. “It’s a shame…I was going to tell you another thing about me- something that might surprise you.”

His strong hands slid up her back, his fingers finding the elastic band holding her ponytail, and he pulled it out, letting her hair down. Meredith touched her forehead to his as she leaned forward, as Derek’s hands pressed down her neck and shoulders. “Surprise me…” Derek whispered against her lips.

Meredith was going to say something, but her words got lost- like bubbles, they disappeared into nowhere, and the attempt to say something came out as a heavy sigh as Derek hummed against her ear. She definitely surprised him as she sat up, forcing his arms that lay limply across her neck to unlock as her fingers gripped the bottom of her t-shirt and pulled it over her head, leaving her topless.
His eyes tracked her body before they rested at her eyes; those same pools of greeny-blue that drew him in that first night, and as that night, they mirrored his own feelings, except this time, it wasn’t of hurt and unresolved issues, but they reflected sentiments of love and contentment.

Sunlight of the spring morning streamed through the window and warmed Meredith’s back as she limply supported herself against Derek on the couch, silent as their limbs remained intertwined as they caught their breath. This time, there was the cuddling, there was the intimacy, there was the knowledge there would be another time, it was so much more than that instant gratification they had that drunken night. Meredith’s face was buried in the crook of his neck as she remained still, waiting for her heart to stop racing. She knew this ‘guy in a bar’ now, he wasn’t just some try-hard guy who looked good in his red shirt, he was her partner, her lover, he was the one she wanted to share her life with. She wasn’t scared to show him the most unattractive sides of herself, because she knew when he said ‘I love you’ to her when she had the flu and hadn’t been out of bed for three days straight, he meant it wholeheartedly. Best of all- there was no pain anymore.

Derek wasn’t lying when he said he loved her before he knew her- because even on that first day after the one night stand, after the surgery together, he knew he loved her. At the time, he put it down to lust, to her being new and exciting and fresh- and partly it was because of that, because she was everything Addison wasn’t, but it was also because of her innocence, her intelligence, the intensity with which she did everything, her drive to be a good person. His fingers traced lazy patterns on her back as her lips found his jawline and peppered his stubbled skin with tiny kisses. She regained her strength back again and sat up as she kissed him on his lips hard, her hands pushing against his chest as she leaned into him.

After the second time that morning, Derek groaned underneath her, struggling to sit up from the slouched position he found himself in. “God, you’ve got stamina” he grunted as he pulled himself up.

Meredith laughed tiredly, her head on his chest as she enjoyed the feeling of not having to take her finger off the pause button to start her life again- they were in their little bubble, where the outside world couldn’t touch them, and it was just them. “Well- I did run a marathon…” She murmured, lifting her head off his chest to look into his eyes.

Derek choked in disbelief. “You? You don’t jog, you’ve never had a gym membership and you eat a lot of crap- I don’t buy it…”

“Are you calling me a liar?” Meredith asked in mock shock, reaching for her t-shirt that hung on the arm of the couch. “I ran the New York marathon in 2000. I got a time of four hours fifteen minutes.“

He watched her get dressed in her sweatpants, and she threw his pajama bottoms at him. “That’s pretty impressive. It seems I underestimated you…” He replied, following her to the fridge as she poured herself a glass of juice. “You know, I used to marshal the marathon when I lived in New York.”

“Oh god- it wasn’t you I puked on at mile thirteen, was it?” Meredith eyes widened at the thought, before descending into laughter.

Derek watched her as she disappeared into the spare bedroom, bringing her laptop and trial papers to the couch, laying everything out as she booted up her computer. “What made you help out at the marathon every year?” Meredith asked him, looking at him over her shoulder.

“Making sure Mark didn’t mack on the skinny blondes” Derek joked, picking up the newspaper from the counter to continue the crossword. “There were thousands of them- literally. Makes me wish he was stationed at mile thirteen the year you ran the marathon. That would have been karma!”

Meredith rolled her eyes at him as she shook her head. “Seriously? ‘Mack?’ Been on urbandictionary.com for a crossword clue and stumbled upon that word?”

“Ouch! You’re so mean!” Derek retorted. “Why did you run the marathon?”

Meredith turned around again, resting her chin on the back of the couch as she began to speak. “Well- it’s a good thing to do, right? I mean, train, get fit for, be healthy, commit to…but I also did it for charity- Mom told me about her diagnosis, and it kinda changed my perspective on life. You know,I wanted to run the Boston marathon but didn’t get a place, I wanted to run at the place I fled to to run away from those pressures of school, it seemed kinda fitting somehow. Obviously Mom didn’t want anyone to know, quit work and pretended to be with the UN when she was just laying low in Seattle, making sure everything was in order, and my way of dealing with keeping this secret was to raise money for the Alzheimer’s association. Although it may not have been able to make medical advancements to help my Mom, maybe they could find a cure for my children’s generation.”

She turned back around to her work without a second thought to what she said, but Derek continued to be surprised by her- just as he thought he knew everything that there was to know about her, she revealed another secret about herself. That lack of selfishness made her special- the way she was always there for her friends, for her patients, and unlike other people, wasn’t doing it for any other ulterior motive other than because it was the right thing to do. He found her complete unawareness of how special she was as a person one of the most attractive things about her. She didn’t know how good she was, and that made her better than anyone else.

Two hours later, Meredith rubbed her eyes tiredly and looked around for Derek, but he was nowhere to be seen. She moved the pile of trial papers and closed the lid of her laptop, calling his name as she looked around the apartment for him. Eventually she found him, on their bed asleep with an open book on his chest.

Meredith watched him for a few seconds, before crawling onto the bed and laying beside him. Derek felt the weight of the bed shift as Meredith joined him, and rolled onto his side to spoon with her, tucking his chin perfectly behind her shoulder as his fingers wrapped around hers on the bed.

“Mmmm…” He moaned sleepily as he kissed her neck gently. “Thought you were working…”

She snuggled deeper into his side, grasping his hand tighter. “I’m not gonna spend the whole day working, Derek. It’s our weekend off. I enjoy doing trial stuff, but I like doing nothing with you too. Like spending the whole day in our pajamas.”

“There were those two hours on the couch where I recall there were no pajamas at all.” Meredith could feel his smirk behind her.

Moments together came too few and far between. Moments like this where they could be who they wanted, do what they wanted- any accolades from the trial felt empty and hollow without Derek to share it with. “I want to do so much more than dedicate my life to the trial, Derek. We can have it all, can’t we?” She asked, a hint of insecurity creeping into her voice.

Derek’s eyes popped open at Meredith’s question. Have it all. It was her way of asking if they could balance the family and the career and everything that came with it while still being happy. “Yes, Mer. We can make whatever we want work for us.”

“Does that include drinks and a burger at Joe’s for dinner tonight?” She asked, laughing as he kissed her.

Monday morning rolled around too fast, and Meredith found herself hiding in the small doctor’s office on the general surgery floor, ordering tests and chasing up other departments to come and see her patients. No one told you this was really what doctors did, it was all about the glamour of surgery. They didn’t show that to even score a place in the OR, you had to work your ass off doing all the administrative crap.

Meredith looked up as Cristina entered the small room and sat down beside her, stretching as she waited for her log-in page to load on the screen in front of her. “So…how was your Sunday after we met you at Joe’s on Saturday?” Cristina asked, tapping patient details into the system.

“Well…you know how alcohol makes everything go porny for me…so- we were up until five in the morning, we slept in until one, and then we ate breakfast in bed, which was more just bran flakes out-of-the-box while doing the Sunday crossword, then we went for a walk, talked about maybe getting a dog sometime in the future, came back, had dinner, and fell asleep watching some movie on TV.”

“How domesticated.” Cristina replied dryly. “A ‘fine’ would have sufficed in this situation. But why use one word when you can use a hundred, right?”

Meredith rolled her eyes at her friend. “As if you and Owen are any less couple-y. Just because you don’t have any kind of ring on your finger, it doesn’t mean that it’s less serious. Have you forgotten this man told you he wants to be there in forty years?”

“I would forget, but you keep reminding me.” Cristina deadpanned, opening the patient’s file.

“I bet your Sunday was the same as ours.” Meredith challenged.

“He cooked brunch, we watched cardio tapes all afternoon…” Cristina realised where this was going. “Look, whatever…don’t try to add me to the married club anytime soon. I already nearly went there, and look how that ended up.”

Silence fell between the two friends as they worked, slamming phones down when met with other snarky residents, and being equally snarky back to people who paged them.

“So Shepherd and you are getting a dog?” Cristina asked suddenly, her eyebrows raised.

“We talked about it.”

“A tiny fluffball you can carry around in a bag like my mother has, or one of those huge beast type dogs?”

“Just a dog. Why are you so interested?” Meredith enquired defensively.

“Because people talk about getting pets as a practice run for kids. Saying you’re getting a dog is basically saying you’re broody. Think about it, Mer. You both own it, love it, clean up after it when it poops- it’s a furry prototype kid.”

Meredith shrugged, trying to brush Cristina’s comment off. She already knew Derek would be a great dad, that he would fill the gaps she left behind, because they had already shared Doc. He brought them together in a way that allowed them to be closer to each other than they should have been- it gave them a reason to be together, if only for those stolen few minutes twice a week. But now the situation was different.

“You know, everyone’s talking about your trip to Boston.” Cristina said. “I don’t have to pretend I’m not jealous to you too, do I?”

Meredith smiled, knowing that it was Cristina’s way of apologising for making Meredith prickle about the dog, and what it meant. Sometimes just getting a dog meant getting a dog. No hidden meanings, no testing the waters, for once, that sentiment was as transparent as it should be. “Nah. But you know, de facto teaching is starting up again next month, and you’ll get tons of publications” Meredith consoled, returning the same sentiment of keeping the conversation in no-man’s land. “But here’s a tip- if you publish something good with Owen, you get to have mini-vacations under the pretext of going for work. It’s a win-win.”

All of a sudden, the buzzing of Meredith’s phone rang through the room as it vibrated against her pager in her labcoat pocket. Pulling it out, she saw the caller ID and answered it. “Hi…no, I’m not doing anything pressing, just catch up work on the general surgery floor. Your office? Ok, I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

Cristina looked at her, her expression questioning as she scribbled notes in a chart as she transcribed results from the computer to the paper.

“It’s Derek.” Meredith gestured to the phone.

“For a booty call?”

“Dunno…you think so?” Meredith wondered out loud, logging off the computer. “It could be something else- I don’t know…do you think it’s something bad?”

“No, definitely sex.” Cristina shook her head, smirking at her best friend. She watched Meredith roll her eyes as she put her hands in her pockets and kicked the chair under the desk as she turned around to leave. “Hey Mer? At least he’s still making booty calls, maybe you’re not so completely domesticated and boring.”

Meredith opened the door to Derek’s office, after knocking lightly on the glass. As she stepped into the small room, the smell of coffee hit her nostrils and made her stomach growl. She hadn’t had time for breakfast, and only has taken her travel mug of coffee, having to leave most of it as she was running to be on time for rounds.

Derek smiled at her from the other side of his desk, two cups of coffee and two pastries sitting next to the keyboard. “Hey…” He greeted as she sat in the visitor’s chair on the other side of the desk.

“Coffee and breakfast? What did you do?” Meredith accused, grabbing the coffee and pastry anyway.

“I didn’t do anything.” Derek replied too quickly for it to be truly nonchalant. He got up from his chair, and took his coffee over to the couch, gesturing for Meredith to join him.

Meredith brought the second pastry with her as she sat down beside him on the small couch. “And to think, Cristina thought I was being called here for sex. This is so much better.” She commented as the pastry flakes fell onto her scrubs as she bit into it.

“Actually…” Derek began as he played with the lid of his coffee cup. “…I got a call from the contractor today, and he had a cancellation, another client bailed on their project, and he said he could start on our house if we want him to.”

The mouthful of breakfast got stuck in her throat, and the buttery pastry felt like a hard rock as she tried to swallow it, feeling the bolus slink uncomfortably down her throat. She sipped her coffee to try and cover up her surprise. “Our house…” She choked out.

Since they had gotten married, she had barely thought about it. It was such a big job, and the contractor they chose had such a backlog of jobs that it seemed like some distant dream, even though it was the finalised plans themselves that propelled Meredith to visit Derek in Las Vegas back in November. And now the thought was sinking in- they’d already done the difficult thing- moving out of her house and leaving her friends behind, the comfort zone well and truly shattered. Building the house was nothing, and yet it felt like such a huge thing.

Derek knew this was a big thing- he felt it too. When the plans were still on paper, however final, they were still just dreams, just possibilities. If they broke ground, removed the trailer and started building walls, it was like the next era of their life- it would really be forcing them into their future. “So, I just was running it by you, asking if it’s what you want to do still. He’s giving us until Friday to decide, but he said it was the best time of year to do it, because hopefully they’d be putting the frame up in the good summer weather.” He said carefully. “Do you still want to?”

Meredith looked at him, his blue eyes drawing her in, a slight smile creeping on his face as he clutched his coffee. “I… yeah. Yeah, I do. It’s just a bit of a shock. I thought I didn’t have to think about it for a while. And now…wow, our house.” Meredith stammered.

“You’re ok with this?” Derek asked. “You’re not freaking out?”

Meredith laughed, snuggling into his side. “Oh, I’m pretty sure I will sometime soon. It’ll be about something stupid, like whether we have enough bathrooms for everyone, or whether we should paint or wallpaper the walls… so we should just say yes before I chicken out. I make all the best decisions that way.” She smiled.
“You do…” Derek whispered, kissing her hair as he rested his head against hers, wondering how she was so cool about this.

Meredith sighed against Derek. “There will be kid’s rooms…”

“Yes.”

“That we have to fill with kids.”

“Yeah…”

“I think…I’ve been thinking. I mean, I know I’ve been thinking about this. It’s never going to be a right time, and if we wait until I become an attending, it might be too late.” Kids? Was she talking about children? “I guess what I’m trying to say is-I’m ready. Two years from now I want to be pregnant with a chatty child of yours.” She blurted out, looking straight at him, eyes wide, surprised with herself that she was telling him this. “Because when we have a baby, I’ll know we didn’t miss out on the fun stuff, like this weekend, and I’ll know I accomplished something meaningful, like the trial. Two years is enough time to have some more fun before we have to get serious…”

“It doesn’t sound like you’re leaving me much choice in this does it?” He joked. “Where do I factor in your grand plan?”

Meredith rolled her eyes, and threw her napkin at his face, hitting him on the nose. Derek looked into her eyes. They were happy, there was no real doubt there. They planned the rooms, now they were planning the life that would fill the rooms. He had the urge to kiss her, this wonderful woman who wanted to give him everything. “But just so you know…the plan can be tweaked. If in two years, you’re pregnant with our child, who hopefully will have your nose, I’ll be the happiest man alive. And if for whatever reason it doesn’t all go to plan, I’ll love you just as much anyway.” His lips skimmed hers as he spoke, before he kissed her deeper, sweetly and tenderly as her hand came up to play with the curls behind his ear.

They broke away from the kiss, and Meredith shook her head. “We should stop talking about these grown-up things now, I can feel an impending freakout. Let’s talk about something inane- like the fact we’ve never been on a foreign vacation together, or that Cristina suggested we get one of those mini yappy dogs that you can fit into a purse.”

“We’ve never gone on a real vacation?” Derek thought out loud. “We’ll have to remedy that soon, and as for the toy dog? Absolutely not.”

***********************************************************************************

You cool your bed-warm hands down on the broken radiator,
And when you lay them freezing on me, I mumble "can you wake me later?"
But I don't really want you to stop and you know it so it doesn't stop you
And run your hands from my neck to my chest

Crack the shutters open wide, I wanna bathe you in the light of day
And just watch you as the rays tangle up around your face and body
I could sit for hours finding new ways to be awed each minute
‘Cause the daylight seems to want you just as much as I want you

It's been minutes, it's been days, it's been all I will remember
Happy lost in your hair and the cold side of the pillow
Your hills and valleys are mapped by my intrepid fingers
And in a naked slumber, I dream all this again

Crack the shutters open wide, I wanna bathe you in the light of day
And just watch you as the rays tangle up around your face and body
I could sit for hours finding new ways to be awed each minute
‘Cause the daylight seems to want you just as much as I want you

SNOW PATROL-Crack the shutters