Early years
The details that I remember when i was young are vague, but still hurt so much all the same...my mom was great at first...I remember idolizing her...she was so beautiful and full of life, I always wondered though when she'd disappear for hours on end in the bathroom, begging my daddy to please make her come out cause I wanted her...then other times she be gone for days and when she'd show it was with this man Dan whom she deemed to me Uncle Dan...but it didn't change her in my innocent mind...she was still very much my mommy. But then things started to change...she became haggard and skinny...not the warm compassionate mother I was so fond of, but that did not deter re me from loving her of course. The small but meaningful changes around my home did though, the constant anger between her and my father, the needles I would find laying around from the man she introduced me to as Daddy James, the man I came later to find was my biological father, and the way her majestic ways seem to disappear...Where had my mother gone, what was this new way of life I was living?
Then things took a terrible change again...my daddy and her began arguing more and more, she would say horrible things to him, make fun of him when he wasn't around to me, I was horrified at the tender age of six of how she could talk so callously about my dear daddy Steve. What was this? I didn't understand of course when their relationship hit the red zone, and I was pulled from his sweet embraces and loving demeanor. My mother took me to "Uncle" Dans then, and I couldn't shake the off feeling of wrongness when this happened. She was treating this dirty, ugly, and un-fun man the way she treated my daddy. The worst part was I remember her laying in this strangers bed and I would be begging her to see my dad and she would wave me off because Dan came in the room, and then kick me out to do god knows what.
But those living arrangements didn't last to long, because when visitation time came for the summer with daddy James he saw the neglect and conditions my mother and I were living in...he also took me to see my daddy Steve whom I hadn't seen in what seemed like forever to my young mind. I loved this nice man whom had saved me from the gross ugly mans house. But the odd thing was when the summer visitatation was over I didn't go back like I thought. I stayed in the clean and fun home of my adopted grandmother and my daddy James...again the winds were changing again though...apparently all was not well with my beloved mother...
The next thing I remember in sitting in a cozy professional room with a stick thin woman with a bush of curly dirty blond hair...she kept asking me questions about how I had lived before James had taken me. I didn't trust her though, she made me feel intimidated, she also asked me who I liked more my mommy or daddy. I laugh when I think of the way I sat straight up from my huddle position on the couch and declared I loved both equally and my dear daddy steve too. She didn't question me further after that...but the strings of fate were already being cut and strewn in different directions, so I dont think my opinion really mattered anyways...
I found out later that what was going on was a custody fight and that my mother had lost miserably, drugs was the offcial cause...apparently when asked to take a drug test she had gone home and shaved and bleach her hair so the couldn't take a sample, and when asked to return the next day for a pubic follicle test she didn't return. I was officially not in my mothers care anymore...
The next few years of my life are really a blur, I think its because they were happy times, I remember being spoiled and loved, fishing with my daddy James, making an ass out of my overbearing grandmother, and having an all around good time...good fun loving times...
After that I was in for the surprise of my life...I think I was nine or ten, still really young and it was around christmas time. James was driving us somewhere, all he kept saying ws its a surprise, and then we pulled up to this large white house down a dirt road and parked in the muddy driveway. I immediately got out of the car and waited until he was at my side. But then I glanced up when I heard the front door of the house slam and I felt like my heart was about to burst. There was my beloved daddy steve coming towards me in all his splendor. I think that's one of my happiest memories. Both of my most favorite people standing together laughing with mirth and my childish giggles to go along with their deep voices. Thinking about it even now fills me with a joy that does not come often.
So now I had a home that was all my own, it was the best christmas present I had ever received. We moved in and were comfortable in no time and all seemed well...unfortunately my life has never been that easy.......