Endlessly - FletcherJones - standalone
name: endlessly
author: invincible_jess
rating: 16+
warning: contains death, and refrences.
part: 1/1
pairing: FletcherJones
words: 3,120
prompt: unhappy hour by Richard Silken.
disclaimer: this isn't true, nor do i own mcfly.
Going to a party where I knew you'd be,
dudes bobbing for boyfriends, eyes shining
like candy apples. I want to be a lamppost,
or the history of plumbing. I am tired of being
mysterious. You are drinking rum next to
the laughing skullheads and I am unhappy
because I am dead and I miss you. Once
a year, day of the dead, you think you'd think
of me more often. These people shoulda
dressed up as their best selves to mix and
mingle in the courtyard garden. If everything
is green then why do I feel so blue? I would like
to be a plain-faced man, living with you quietly.
Leave the party but you can't hear me you can
no longer hear me. The dead are boring.
Enlightenment is boring. We can read the minds
of dogs. We make the black cats scatter across
the grass. There is a better party where I am not
a ghost and you are not Aquaman. I am like
a pornstar, we are all of us pornstars aching
to get back into our terrycloth robes. Gives me
a headache, all this intellectual stimulation.
It's cold out tonight. I am here by the back wall,
in the museum of the afterlife. I would like to
be a flickering cowboy. I like the live music--
we only get the recorded stuff here. I would like
to be alive again. I would like to say something
about grace.
---
Danny just stood. There wasn’t much he could do, could he? Just stared at Tom, who was slouched over the makeshift bar in the back of his house that was a little too big for one - surrounded by people with too much alcohol in their grasps and faux laughter dripping from their chins. Danny watched as Tom sighed, slumping towards the drunk barman motioning for another rum; another excuse.
Danny wanted to touch him, to reach out and brush his fingertips along his bedridden blonde hair. He wanted to press his lips against his temple and coo his love into his eager ears, but he supposed it was just a little too much to ask. Especially considering their circumstances.
He settled for taking another step towards his lost love, waiting for the burn of the bright lights to scold against his pale skin. Before with a gasp he remembered that those feelings were gone.
Tom almost dropped his drink as his eyes snapped up to meet with Danny’s, his fingers losing the chilled glass as they coiled around the bottom of his shirt. His body twisting towards the strobe lights and moving bodies to get a closer look at the curly haired brunette.
Danny’s body froze for a moment, his eyes widening as he watched Tom rise shakily to his feet, pushing the rum away from himself as he narrowed on Danny.
It felt almost as though the whole world froze as Tom took another shaky step towards Danny who was glued to the uneven wooden floor in the middle of an improvised dance floor.
“Dan? Danny?” Tom whispered as he halted in front of the brunette, their noses almost touching.
“Tom,” Danny breathed, his body still frozen as his eyes locked against the perfect hazel glows of Tom’s gaze, the rest of the crowded dance-floor disappeared from the world, a hazy blur of existence.
“I think I must be drunk, or hallucinating, or - or - fuck,” Tom whispered, his eyes dropping to the floor as he spun on the back of his heels as he stormed away from Danny - into a tangle of moving bodies and drunk slurs.
Danny tried to call out, his throat cutting off just as the back of Tom’s head disappeared behind the side of the house.
He could see him. Tom could see him.
He let a low growl of curses flee his lips as he stormed after him, through stampedes of people whose eyes passed through him as though he wasn’t even there. And really, he might not.
Tom was sitting on the side steps beside the front door, his head in his hands and his chest inflating just a little too fast, his knuckles a little too white as his fingers coiled around his longer locks of hair.
Danny stumbled forward, his body halting as he stood in front of the slumped blonde, his hands outstretched as he wearily flexed his fingers, pressing them against the side of Tom’s temple.
He waited as Tom’s eyes shot up defensively, sitting against Danny’s freckled flesh for a moment before his face sunk again.
“This isn’t happening, Dan,” Tom whispered, his throat choking with tears.
“But it is,” Danny whispered, letting his fingers coil against Tom’s cheek for a moment, his chest suddenly heaving as he felt the warmth of his skin against his fingers. Something he’d been so close to forgetting that it scared him.
“You’re dead, Danny - this isn’t happening,” Tom choked.
“I’m here, aren’t I?” Danny muttered, collapsing beside Tom, letting his arm loop around his lower back hesitantly - he was still getting used to this whole feeling thing.
“I watched them lower your body into the ground, Danny - listen to me, this isn’t happening,” Tom’s words faded to a disgruntled hiss as his eyes fell to his hands, tangling his fingers together into a knot as he sniffed.
Danny didn’t know what to say - he didn’t know what was happening himself, so explaining it to Tom seemed a little more difficult than he would have thought.
Danny went to open his mouth, his finger cautiously stroking down Tom’s side trying to calm his erratic breaths before Tom beat him to his own words.
“I’ve missed you so much, Dan. I swear to god -”
“I know, I’ve missed you too,” Danny cooed, his body stiffening as Tom collapsed against him, turning to bury his face in Danny’s shirt. The one he died in, you know. Breathing in the cinnamon and sea-salt smell, his eyes welling with a years worth of tears.
“It nearly killed me, and I was wrong - when we were fighting, the day before. Just, the day before,” Tom choked again.
“It’s okay,” Danny muttered, placing his lips against the top of Tom’s head, feeling his heart fluttering in-between his ribs for a moment. His body froze again - he could feel his own heart. It had been so damn long since he’d felt anything. A year and seven day to be exact.
“It’s not okay, I’m hallucinating my dead boyfriend at my own Halloween party - I don’t even like Halloween, Danny!” Tom gasped, pushing himself away from Danny for a moment, his eyes locking against Danny’s before he stood up.
Danny was at a loss for words, he wasn’t any good with them while he was alive so he didn’t think it would be any different when he was dead. And so he acted upon impulse.
Tom turned to stride down from the steps, his feet just hitting the harsh tangle of dying grass before Danny’s hands pressed down on his shoulders, spinning him around slowly before he thrust his face forward, their lips meeting messily for a moment as Tom’s eyes blasted open.
“You feel so fucking real, Danny,” Tom whispered as Danny stepped off the step, pressing their chests together as he looped his arms around the blonde’s lower back.
“For the moment,” Danny breathed, “For the moment I am real,”
Tom stifled another cry as he pressed his lips shakily against Danny’s once again.
“I don’t think I’ll cope if you disappear again Danny, I really don’t,”
“I don’t know how I got here, I don’t - I don’t know what’s happening either,” Danny sighed, “I don’t ever want to leave again though,”
A guided silence drifted over the pair as the sound of the blasting music from around the back of Tom’s (and Danny’s. Was Danny’s) veranda thudded into the distance as they got lost in each others eyes for a split second.
There was a chant for more beer followed by a chorus of drunken slurs as the loud drunken footsteps of a male began to creep towards them. Tom gasped as he pulled himself away from Danny’s body; feeling the swell of cold air against his body for a moment before running his fingers nervously through his hair.
Danny just stepped backwards, watching Tom’s jumpy movements as the man stepped closer.
“Tom?” he slurred. He was taller than Tom by a fair amount, and he was thickly built with a short crop of dark hair and a sinister smirk, “what are you doing around here all by yourself?” his eyes dropped from Tom to quickly scan the area.
“Too much rum,” Tom whispered, his fingers twining together in front of his stomach, “I needed some air, you know,”
“Brilliant party though,” the man cheered, leaning forward to slam his palm against Tom’s shoulder, ignoring the blonde’s instinctive flinch as he made his way towards the front door, “we need more beer though,” he finished, his eyes skipping up to the door as he wandered away.
“He couldn’t see me,” Danny whispered, peering up at Tom from his lowered head.
“I told you - I’m just going crazy, I’m going mental - you’re not real, it’s not possible - probable that you are real, that you are really here,” Tom ranted, counting the reasons off on his fingers.
Danny didn’t think this time. Just let his body float forward as the sound of the man slamming the front door behind him rung through his ears as he launched towards Tom, attaching their mouths as he let his tongue run across Tom’s bottom lip.
Tom groaned into his mouth as his fingers looped around Danny’s shoulders, pulling their bodies painfully closer as his eyes blinked open, his body morphing into the crevices of Danny’s chest, his head falling to rest on his shoulder.
“I shouldn’t still be in love with you, Danny, I shouldn’t be in love with somebody I haven’t seen in a year,” Tom finished with a sigh as he nuzzled his cheek into Danny’s shoulder.
“I’m sorry,” Danny whispered, pressing his lips against Tom’s temple.
“Don’t be sorry about that. Be sorry you didn’t look both ways before crossing the street you idiot,” Tom let out an uneasy chuckle before untangling himself from Danny’s body.
“I am sorry, sorry I ever had to leave you,” Danny whispered, his eyes dropping to the floor as he scuffed his feet awkwardly.
“Just - don’t Danny, it doesn’t matter if I’m going crazy, at least I can pretend this is real for the moment, I don’t want to waste this being sorry about what we can’t change,” Tom sighed, his voice cutting in and out of words as his lungs gasped for air.
He took a step backwards from Danny, his fingers leaning forward to curl against the side of Danny’s hand, his heavy eyes full of sadness as he blinked back a solemn tear. Danny nodded quickly, grunting as Tom spun backwards, his fingers tightening around Danny’s as he dragged him back up the steps to the side of his house.
Tom threw the door open almost angrily, his feet padding heavily against the wooden floors as he dragged Danny behind him, his chest heaving unevenly as they edged closer to their bedroom.
“Tom,” Danny cooed, struggling to keep up Tom’s pace as they scurried through the dark house, past the few people that had collapsed to the floors, and into the bedroom.
Tom buckled onto the bed in a mixture of sobs and sharpened breaths, his body writhed into a small ball as he pushed himself against the top of the bed-head, his fingers clasped around the bottom of his shirt and his teeth biting down on his bottom lip as he tried to keep his tears in check.
Danny was standing just inside the open door, his hands by his side and his fingers twitching - all he wanted to do was save him, was to carry him away to somewhere where the pain didn’t exist anymore, where he wouldn’t hurt. He wouldn’t remember what pain felt like.
Danny moved slowly as he shut the door behind himself, careful to lock the door before sliding across the floor towards Tom. His hands were extended as he gracefully pulled himself into the bed behind Tom, his chest pressing firmly against Tom’s back as he looped his arms around his body; sighing as the familiar tingle of skin against skin flooded his body.
“I’ve missed you,” Danny breathed against the back of Tom’s neck, his fingers stroking softly over Tom’s hand as he linked their bodies together.
“I can’t - stand this - Danny, it hurts so - damn much,” Tom cried, his voice verging hysterical as his breathing increased again, his body contorting as he pressed himself backwards a little more, trying to fit in the crevices between Danny’s ribs.
“I know, babe - it’s hard but we’ll survive,” Danny froze, his eyes blasting open for a moment before he continued flawlessly “you’ll survive,”
“I don’t want to be here - if you’re not,” Tom gasped, throwing his head backwards to try and push the oxygen into his lungs, his head lolling against Danny’s shoulder as he tightened his grip, his knuckles stinging white.
Danny breathed in deeply, his lips pressing into Tom’s temple as he stroked against Tom’s soft gooey flesh. He cooed into his hair, murmuring a shh to try and bid Tom into regular breathing.
“Tom,” Danny whispered; his voice low as it scratched the almost silent room. The only sounds being thrown about was the sudden gasping of hysterical tears from Tom as his body contorted again, his chest wavering and his fingers clenching as the oxygen involuntarily pushed itself from his lungs.
“Tom,” Danny muttered, more demanding now as he waited for Tom’s chest to stop heaving until he knew he was listening, “breathe, okay - breathe for me,” he cooed.
Tom choked back another tear as he pressed his legs outwards, his chest was already beginning to slow down; he was still crying without noticing and his lungs were overinflating but he could breathe now, ease would come later.
Tom’s body spun in Danny’s arms, their chests suddenly pressed together as Tom fell forwards to curl into Danny’s chest. With a sudden gasp of oxygen, Tom settled down with a sleepy yawn. He nuzzled his face against Danny’s shirt, wiping away his tears as he panted heavily against his shirt.
“I love you,” Danny mumbled lazily against Tom’s hair as he pressed a delicate kiss against it.
“I love you more,” Tom yawned - his chest still furiously heaving as he tried to will his lungs to a simple breath. His fingers loosened their grip on his own shirt as he coiled them under Danny’s to press against his lukewarm skin.
A heavy silence passed over the room, with a heavy thudding over too-loud music blasting from the other side of the house where everybody was too busy getting drunk and having a good time to notice their hosts sudden disappearance.
Danny wouldn’t have known if it was minutes or hours before he heard Tom clear his throat awkwardly, his fingers tightening their grip and his face nuzzling a little more, his heart slowing down to a sleepy pace; clearly worn out from his tortured cries.
“Danny?” Tom’s voice croaked; and Danny just mumbled a shrug as he stroked his fingers across Tom’s knuckles again.
“What’s heaven like?” Tom sighed sleepily.
“I don’t know really -” Danny paused, it was difficult to explain, “it’s almost like living - it’s just, so much barer - it’s not like there aren’t feelings - like, I know I still loved you, and that I missed you. But it was different,” Danny paused, feeling Tom shuffle slightly against his chest, moving to press his lips cautiously against his collarbone through his thin shirt.
“Keep talking,” Tom muttered against Danny’s chest.
“I couldn’t feel the sun on my back. Or the sand between my toes. It’s almost like you just don’t exist any more,” Danny mumbled, his voice so quiet that it almost disappeared in between the cracks of the floorboards.
Tom sighed quietly as he snuggled further against Danny’s body, his fingers coiling against his freckled flesh. “I don’t want to go to sleep,”
“You have to,” Danny muttered, rolling slightly to pull Tom onto his chest, letting his arms loop over his back to pull him closer into his chest, watching Tom’s eyes flicker shut for a moment before he forced them open, his eyelashes sticking to his cheeks sleepily.
“Don’ want to,” Tom muttered, yawning.
“Well why not?” Danny cooed, his body shuffling around Tom’s as he let his fingers trace patterns over Tom’s lower back soothingly.
“What if I wake up and you’re gone?” his words were blunt, and Danny could feel them slicing across the room as they stuck themselves to the inside of his lungs - he didn’t want this, he didn’t want to make things worse.
“Then you’ll survive, Tom - you’ve got to,” Danny muttered against the heavy heartbeats flooding from Tom’s ribs.
“What if I don’t,” Tom sighed, nuzzling his cheek against Danny’s chest.
“It will kill me if this kills you,” Danny choked, his voice low as it glided across the stiff air.
“You’re already dead, what more could it do?” Tom yawned.
Danny didn’t reply; just let his fingers halt their movements for a moment before continuing to stroke along his pale flesh, watching his eyes flutter to stay awake.
“I think you need to move on, I wasn’t all that great anyway,” Danny’s voice was low as he muttered against Tom’s hair, watching him struggle to pull his eyes open.
“But I love you,” Tom whined, his voice hitching.
“I love you too - but you can get past this, get past me,”
“I don’t want to,” Tom grunted.
“You have to, please - for me,”
Tom just grunted as he nestled further into Danny’s body - his fingers tightening their grip on his shirt almost as thought he was terrified he was going to vanish into thin air - afraid that that was an actual possibility.
“Tom?” Danny repeated a moment later, moving his shoulder to nudge Tom’s eyes open again.
There was another bustle of life outside the door as a heavy padding of footsteps smashed along the hallway outside Tom’s room. Danny froze as he coiled his arms further around Tom, pulling his sleepy body further against his chest.
“I don’t want anybody except you,” Tom muttered, his eyes drooping as he was almost completely overcome by sleep.
Danny just kissed against his temple once more, watching him drift off.
“I know, babe, but just move on, you can’t live the rest of your life in the shadows,” Danny whispered, watching as Tom’s uneven breaths flattened out as he drifted off into slumber, watching as he groaned an inaudible reply against his neck as he rolled into sleep.
“I love you,” Danny whispered against his ear, praying that wherever he was - he would be able to hear him.
---
Tom woke with a start, his head thudding as he leapt from the mattress - letting the cold air swarm around his sleepy body as his eyes scanned the room.
It was empty.
“Danny?” Tom croaked, his eyes welling with tears as they laced themselves in-between his eyelashes. “Danny?” he cried, his voice raising shakily as he leapt from the bed.
Tom groaned as he fell to the floor, lacing his fingers through his long blonde hair as another heaving sob burst from his ribs, his body contorting into unstoppable cries as he pressed his forehead against the cold wooden floors.
You’ll survive - you have to.
Danny’s voice echoed through his mind as he rolled onto his back, his tears churning down the crevices of his cheeks as he let his body flatten against the floor.
And then he knew - he knew he’d have to walk back outside like nothing had happened, like Danny was really gone from his heart, and just survive. Because he knew Danny was waiting for him somewhere; and somehow, someday he would get back to him.