An update on the past two days...
So, christmas eve was alright -- it's usually my favorite holiday. I have always gone to my grandmother's house and seen my mom's side of the family. We did that, and it was excellent - lots of drinking, a reading of the Grinch from my uncle, opening of gifts... the giants didnt win, but... i'll survive. Matt called me from the road just to say have a merry christmas, which was so sweet considering he's gone till the 3rd with his family and i miss him already. We celebrated my dad's birthday, gifts and such -- made him breakfast and stuff.
I love the holidays, but hate them.
Family = fake.
I'm reading through everyone elses journals seeing "the holidays are a time to be thankful for family, etc." - i agree... but i think it shouldn't take the holidays for everyone to be peaceful.
I love my grandparents, and my aunt/uncles on my moms side... they are all so genuine... so much fun to be around.
Today was my dads side ... it's usually ok, -- awkward cuz they never talk, but okay... however, -- my 2 cousins werent there considering one just got married, and the other just had a baby.
My two uncles ,and 3 aunts were here, and my mom and dad. It was pretty terrible.
I just wanted to wake up this morning and smile. It would have been a wonderful day if I just woke up with a smile.
Instead, I woke up to my fathr shaking me at 8 am saying I had to go to church.
I don't do church - he knows that.
That was an arguement.
We went to church, then I had to help get the house ready for the family.
A hectic, completely rediculous day.
I didn't even want to open gifts... to be honest, I didn't want gifts.
I wanted one thing - I wanted to get along with everyone in my family for a day.
I wanted to go one day without my father making a god damn comment about what I eat.
Wishful thinking.
Christmas is supposed to be a peaceful holiday. A family oriented holiday.
A happy holiday. A holiday full of laughter and smiles.
That disappeared a long time ago.
I now have to pack to go to Vermont to see my aunt and uncle.
I love them, and I love Vermont.
I just, don't feel like going.
Last year we went, I just sat inside and wrote and drew. It was beautiful.
Everyone gave me a hard time for not going out... but, it's my break.
I just want time to myself... Is that so much to ask?
Something is wrong with me again... I wish I could place it...
I can't though, never could...
something is missing...
but, what?
I hope everyones holiday was magical, and full of love and warmth.
Time to pack...
Me*