Blue luster of beloved eyes...
I got an email this afternoon from Justin explaining why he's been so cold toward me these past few weeks. He began by saying, "I have distanced myself from you on purpose. Not because of you, but because of me." He feels hopeless, unfulfilled, abandoned, and lost. He mentioned fearing the future and having only himself to rely on....this makes no sense to me....why is he distancing himself from his friends? He is a gifted guitarist and pianist, yet he is down on himself for not accomplishing his musical aspirations. He feels trapped in his job and is uncertain of his educational decisions. He has retreated into solidarity and succumbed to his depression. Apparently, he has distanced himself from all of his friends and family. He doesn't want to be bothered with earthly attachments because he has come to the conclusion that man is inherently flawed. I really do not know what to make of all of this. We decided to be friends after the break-up and I am so happy to be a supportive friend, yet, to hear that he has purposefully pushed me out of his life is quite hurtful. I care for him enough to stick by him through these dark times, if he'll still have me as a friend. I just pray that he realizes that he cannot self-medicate. He needs friends and the advice of loved ones. I just hope his reasonings are justified and not a means of pushing me out of his life.
On a lighter note......Kevin and I saw The Ring tonight! The theater served food too! Yummy!!! It was the first time I'd seen Mon in a month! I'd missed mon.
I had another doctor's appointment this morning. He placed me on a new drug.....one that has just recently been available for prescription in the US. It is so new that we didn't even have to pay for the prescription. He just handed it to me in a pretty little plastic bag. Bad sign...I fear that it might be one of those drugs you see in the ads on tv...."Side effects may include headache, nausea, diarea, bloating, hernia, backache, fever, vomiting, hair loss, tooth decay, bad breath, dry skin, yeast infection, pimples...." Yikes, I'm a little hesitant to start taking it.
I learned how faces fall,
How terror darts from under eyelids,
How suffering traces lines.
Of stiff cuneiform on cheeks,
How locks of ashen-blond or black
Turn silver suddenly.
Smiles fade on submissive lips
And fear trembles in a dry laugh.
And I pray not for myself alone,
But for all those who stood there with me
In cruel cold, and in July's heat,
At the blind, red wall. ~Anna Akhmatova, Requiem
On a lighter note......Kevin and I saw The Ring tonight! The theater served food too! Yummy!!! It was the first time I'd seen Mon in a month! I'd missed mon.
I had another doctor's appointment this morning. He placed me on a new drug.....one that has just recently been available for prescription in the US. It is so new that we didn't even have to pay for the prescription. He just handed it to me in a pretty little plastic bag. Bad sign...I fear that it might be one of those drugs you see in the ads on tv...."Side effects may include headache, nausea, diarea, bloating, hernia, backache, fever, vomiting, hair loss, tooth decay, bad breath, dry skin, yeast infection, pimples...." Yikes, I'm a little hesitant to start taking it.
I learned how faces fall,
How terror darts from under eyelids,
How suffering traces lines.
Of stiff cuneiform on cheeks,
How locks of ashen-blond or black
Turn silver suddenly.
Smiles fade on submissive lips
And fear trembles in a dry laugh.
And I pray not for myself alone,
But for all those who stood there with me
In cruel cold, and in July's heat,
At the blind, red wall. ~Anna Akhmatova, Requiem