(no subject)
President Freeman and the Space Negroes
I am becoming increasingly irritated with the use of blue eyes in film - from everything from CGI creatures to animated creatures and animatronics as a tool to impress upon the viewer that the creature in question has a benign intelligence or a soul - and a benevolent one at that. From E.T. to the forerunner race of Disney's film "Mission to Mars", the use of blue eyes too often breaches the boundaries of reason (and good population genetics) and I would have imagined that by now it would have become more burdensome and heavy handed as a symbol than useful.
If someone had given me the premise of say, Kyle XY, and also informed me that it was to be a television series, I would have been able to guess immediately that the character Kyle, who according to my wikipedia search washes up on a shore somewhere with no bellybutton and no memory of ever being a child, would have blue or some variation of green and blue eyes.
A film about an angel? Let's give him blue eyes.
Oh, I see...we need to humanize this dragon, then? Cause he talks, and he's like...deep. You know, has a soul. Blue eyes.
Ok, so this character we're talking about is a child prodigy? ...blue eyes.
Ok, so we're talking about a cyclops here? A lumbering giant with a club but who actually turns out to be a nice cyclops once the protagonist pulls out his aching tooth? We can only hope one blue eye will be enough.
You want a negroid futuristic crime lord? He's supposed to be pretty intimidating right? Hmm. Genius, you say? Played by Wesley Snipes? Sheesh. Ok, better go with blue eyes. I mean...if lighting and skin bleaching is not an option. I know, still not believable. How about a blonde afro? Hmmm....so long as we're talking realism here (since no one would believe a simple negro could be so cunning without a few recessive genes fucking up his color scheme), why not give this villain a wicked case of age-related macular degeneration? That's realism for you, ol' blue eyes.
Yes, and I know "recessive genes fucking up his color scheme" should be in my first gangsta rap song. I'm working on it. I don't usually go for slant rhymes. But this is an art form that would still be lumbering along in the Grandmaster Flash era if not for the good fortune that "trigga" rhymes with "nigga". Wow. If my girlfriend reads what I just typed she will fucking KILL ME.
While the frequency of blue eyes in the human population is low enough that its use as a novelty in film can be justified (dude, less than one in ten) - blue eyes as mysterious; blue eyes as angelic; blue eyes as demonic; blue eyes as calming; blue eyes as hypnotic; blue eyes as genius; blue eyes as magical - it would be much more useful if its function was simply to strain credibility.
And don't get me started on "God" in movies. I mean, he's either blue eyed or he's Morgan Freeman. Seriously, wtf. If you want to shock America, let your main character have a visit from god and make sure that his holiness Mr. Alpha and Omega is played by Sandra Oh.
Morgan Freeman. Shit. Dude even kept his freed slave name. I woulda ditched that shit for Muhammed something or other. Still though...something makes him more believable as god than nearly anyone else. He must have a gift. And I think he's played president at least twice.
Oh yea, and this requires caps:
BLACK AMERICAN ACTORS OF THE WORLD, IF YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE FROM A RACE OF HUMANOID ALIENS THAT LIVES HUNDREDS OF LIGHT YEARS AWAY FROM EARTH AND HAS THEREFORE NEVER BEEN TO DETROIT, LOSE THE FUCKING GHETTO ACCENT. PLEASE. I'M BEGGING. YOU'RE AN ACTOR. I KNOW EVERYONE ELSE IS ALLOWED TO KEEP THEIR BRITISH ACCENTS AND SHIT, BUT FOR FUCK'S SAKE ENGLISH ACCENTS IN SPACE IS ACTUALLY BELIEVABLE FOR SOME REASON. DON'T MAKE ME EXPLAIN IT. IT'S A DEEP PART OF THE AMERICAN PSYCHE AND IT HARKENS BACK TO THE DAYS OF BRITISH IMPERIALISM. I KNOW THEY'RE MAKING YOU WEAR SPACE-NEGRO ACCOUTREMENTS, AND GIVING YOU SPACE-NEGRO FEATURES LIKE SPECIAL GOGGLES, A VISOR, A BUMPY FOREHEAD OR WACKED OUT SILVER EYES, BUT THAT'S PARTIALLY BECAUSE YOU ALL SPENT THE LAST 50 YEARS MAKING SPACE NEGROES SO INCREDIBLY UNBELIEVABLE. OH, AND ALSO BECAUSE THIS IS A RACIST SOCIETY.
And please don't say "dayaamn" in space anymore. There should be a law. Of physics. Really.
Also, will the NAACP please get blacks to STOP playing American presidents from the year 3000? We get it already. It's so far in the future that having a black president is like, you know, no big thing. But fucking stop. It's been done so many times I started keeping a dart gun by my tv to assassinate all black presidents from the year 3000. I'm a bad shot but if I actually get up and pause the movie, you dead, nigga.
Used a potato gun for awhile, but the little pieces of potato all over the house end up stinking like hell after awhile. I don't have either gun anymore, but I have assassinated so many future presigroes that I've probably made some sort of FBI list. Don't make me rattle off sci-fi movies with black presidents in them. I've got like four at the ready and I'm pretty sure we could come up with at least 10 without much effort.
I'm at work. Can you tell? I think I'll go home early. I'm still drunk and no one with a regular 9-5 on weekdays should be forced to come in on a Saturday especially after they've been partying down with a couple of Germans they met in Mexico last weekend. I don't care if it's only four hours. Because most people will just spend all that time bitching about blue eyed negro presidents from the future. And eating tons of candy. My teeth hurt.
I am becoming increasingly irritated with the use of blue eyes in film - from everything from CGI creatures to animated creatures and animatronics as a tool to impress upon the viewer that the creature in question has a benign intelligence or a soul - and a benevolent one at that. From E.T. to the forerunner race of Disney's film "Mission to Mars", the use of blue eyes too often breaches the boundaries of reason (and good population genetics) and I would have imagined that by now it would have become more burdensome and heavy handed as a symbol than useful.
If someone had given me the premise of say, Kyle XY, and also informed me that it was to be a television series, I would have been able to guess immediately that the character Kyle, who according to my wikipedia search washes up on a shore somewhere with no bellybutton and no memory of ever being a child, would have blue or some variation of green and blue eyes.
A film about an angel? Let's give him blue eyes.
Oh, I see...we need to humanize this dragon, then? Cause he talks, and he's like...deep. You know, has a soul. Blue eyes.
Ok, so this character we're talking about is a child prodigy? ...blue eyes.
Ok, so we're talking about a cyclops here? A lumbering giant with a club but who actually turns out to be a nice cyclops once the protagonist pulls out his aching tooth? We can only hope one blue eye will be enough.
You want a negroid futuristic crime lord? He's supposed to be pretty intimidating right? Hmm. Genius, you say? Played by Wesley Snipes? Sheesh. Ok, better go with blue eyes. I mean...if lighting and skin bleaching is not an option. I know, still not believable. How about a blonde afro? Hmmm....so long as we're talking realism here (since no one would believe a simple negro could be so cunning without a few recessive genes fucking up his color scheme), why not give this villain a wicked case of age-related macular degeneration? That's realism for you, ol' blue eyes.
Yes, and I know "recessive genes fucking up his color scheme" should be in my first gangsta rap song. I'm working on it. I don't usually go for slant rhymes. But this is an art form that would still be lumbering along in the Grandmaster Flash era if not for the good fortune that "trigga" rhymes with "nigga". Wow. If my girlfriend reads what I just typed she will fucking KILL ME.
While the frequency of blue eyes in the human population is low enough that its use as a novelty in film can be justified (dude, less than one in ten) - blue eyes as mysterious; blue eyes as angelic; blue eyes as demonic; blue eyes as calming; blue eyes as hypnotic; blue eyes as genius; blue eyes as magical - it would be much more useful if its function was simply to strain credibility.
And don't get me started on "God" in movies. I mean, he's either blue eyed or he's Morgan Freeman. Seriously, wtf. If you want to shock America, let your main character have a visit from god and make sure that his holiness Mr. Alpha and Omega is played by Sandra Oh.
Morgan Freeman. Shit. Dude even kept his freed slave name. I woulda ditched that shit for Muhammed something or other. Still though...something makes him more believable as god than nearly anyone else. He must have a gift. And I think he's played president at least twice.
Oh yea, and this requires caps:
BLACK AMERICAN ACTORS OF THE WORLD, IF YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE FROM A RACE OF HUMANOID ALIENS THAT LIVES HUNDREDS OF LIGHT YEARS AWAY FROM EARTH AND HAS THEREFORE NEVER BEEN TO DETROIT, LOSE THE FUCKING GHETTO ACCENT. PLEASE. I'M BEGGING. YOU'RE AN ACTOR. I KNOW EVERYONE ELSE IS ALLOWED TO KEEP THEIR BRITISH ACCENTS AND SHIT, BUT FOR FUCK'S SAKE ENGLISH ACCENTS IN SPACE IS ACTUALLY BELIEVABLE FOR SOME REASON. DON'T MAKE ME EXPLAIN IT. IT'S A DEEP PART OF THE AMERICAN PSYCHE AND IT HARKENS BACK TO THE DAYS OF BRITISH IMPERIALISM. I KNOW THEY'RE MAKING YOU WEAR SPACE-NEGRO ACCOUTREMENTS, AND GIVING YOU SPACE-NEGRO FEATURES LIKE SPECIAL GOGGLES, A VISOR, A BUMPY FOREHEAD OR WACKED OUT SILVER EYES, BUT THAT'S PARTIALLY BECAUSE YOU ALL SPENT THE LAST 50 YEARS MAKING SPACE NEGROES SO INCREDIBLY UNBELIEVABLE. OH, AND ALSO BECAUSE THIS IS A RACIST SOCIETY.
And please don't say "dayaamn" in space anymore. There should be a law. Of physics. Really.
Also, will the NAACP please get blacks to STOP playing American presidents from the year 3000? We get it already. It's so far in the future that having a black president is like, you know, no big thing. But fucking stop. It's been done so many times I started keeping a dart gun by my tv to assassinate all black presidents from the year 3000. I'm a bad shot but if I actually get up and pause the movie, you dead, nigga.
Used a potato gun for awhile, but the little pieces of potato all over the house end up stinking like hell after awhile. I don't have either gun anymore, but I have assassinated so many future presigroes that I've probably made some sort of FBI list. Don't make me rattle off sci-fi movies with black presidents in them. I've got like four at the ready and I'm pretty sure we could come up with at least 10 without much effort.
I'm at work. Can you tell? I think I'll go home early. I'm still drunk and no one with a regular 9-5 on weekdays should be forced to come in on a Saturday especially after they've been partying down with a couple of Germans they met in Mexico last weekend. I don't care if it's only four hours. Because most people will just spend all that time bitching about blue eyed negro presidents from the future. And eating tons of candy. My teeth hurt.