Chasing the Oven Cleaner as it were...
Sunday night and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even my rat.
I have been quite lazy all day, reading & watching movies. Only half paying attention to everything, feeling twangs of guilt & a little concern.
I had inspiration to write earlier, about what & for what purpose I have no idea, the urge just seized me. Then it went away after my fifth cup of earl gray.
I am writing now out of desire to do something constructive. Then I will go paint.
My mum's boyfriend might have to get his leg amputated because of some infection that he can not get rid of due to his obesity & diabetes. That would cause a lot of
problems that we don't need right now, especially mum.
I know I am slipping into a pessimistic & cynical attitude. All I care about is getting through one day as quickly & uneventful as I can to face another murky day of worthlessness.
My dreams are getting stranger & more disturbing as I stop arguing with my paranoia, which surprises me by sneaking up on me when my guard is down.
Also my procrastinating nature put off booking my car in for a service before my registration is due at the end of the month, so I must catch a train this week & suffer the filth & mental retardation which is public transport.
I hope that my powers of reality shifting will allow me to forget where I am & block out the gut churning presence of other people.
This mindset seems to be getting dangerous. I am not healthy at the moment. But I am managing & that is all that matters. Change is possible, I will welcome it when it appears & continue to make all the small alterations in my life necessary for change to happen.
It is just hard is all. And I keep falling back down when I think I have made progress.
But somewhere in this cesspool of monotony & isolation there are those silver threads that make sifting through all the shit worthwhile.
I have been quite lazy all day, reading & watching movies. Only half paying attention to everything, feeling twangs of guilt & a little concern.
I had inspiration to write earlier, about what & for what purpose I have no idea, the urge just seized me. Then it went away after my fifth cup of earl gray.
I am writing now out of desire to do something constructive. Then I will go paint.
My mum's boyfriend might have to get his leg amputated because of some infection that he can not get rid of due to his obesity & diabetes. That would cause a lot of
problems that we don't need right now, especially mum.
I know I am slipping into a pessimistic & cynical attitude. All I care about is getting through one day as quickly & uneventful as I can to face another murky day of worthlessness.
My dreams are getting stranger & more disturbing as I stop arguing with my paranoia, which surprises me by sneaking up on me when my guard is down.
Also my procrastinating nature put off booking my car in for a service before my registration is due at the end of the month, so I must catch a train this week & suffer the filth & mental retardation which is public transport.
I hope that my powers of reality shifting will allow me to forget where I am & block out the gut churning presence of other people.
This mindset seems to be getting dangerous. I am not healthy at the moment. But I am managing & that is all that matters. Change is possible, I will welcome it when it appears & continue to make all the small alterations in my life necessary for change to happen.
It is just hard is all. And I keep falling back down when I think I have made progress.
But somewhere in this cesspool of monotony & isolation there are those silver threads that make sifting through all the shit worthwhile.