candlelight chips

Jan 18, 2005 00:06

things are beginning to get back on track- a fun evening was had with J altho plans to stay over were screwed by the mother coz she was concerned about the snow..... given i live 2 mins away from him seems a bit strange but never mind.

we seemed to be more like our old selves, play fighting n stuff, j battled me in to going out to get food- i made a list of all the stuff he was to prepared ie plates glasses juice etc, and we joked about candlelight chip shop dinner

When i got back he'd put out like 10 candles in his room and had one of his wee glowy lights on it was so sweet. I felt myself welling up coz of the effort he'd gone to but held back- he always sees me cry!

I know i'm dealing with a lot just now and I dont feel as close to J as I once did, but it will come back in time, in a different form tho- I will remain close to him but will not allow certain things (which i did myself) to happen. I stifled myelf last year and cut off a few things in my life because I was scared I would lose him, not that i intend to get these things back, i only intend to do what i want to do and when--more often than I have been doing.

So for the moment I'm happier, I know i've still got stuff battling inside me it'll either come out or disappear. I'm not prepared to face a lot of things head on- i dont know if i ever will be hence why i say it will either come out or disappear.

I'm babbling so i will away
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