Just One Feeling
Title: Just One Feeling
Pairing: Jongin/Chanyeol/Sehun, mentions of Jongin/Luhan & Jongin/Baekhyun
Word Count: ~4.9K
Rating: R
Warnings: sexual content, mentions of cheating, mentions of sex under the influence of alcohol
Summary: One wrong makes two people right for Jongin.
Author's Note: written for forjongin. originally posted here
The air is as crisp as the leaves that crunch with every few steps, biting at his exposed cheeks. Jongin buries his face further into the scarf wrapped around him, remembering just a bit more, just another fraction of Oh Sehun. The memories are much warmer than the scarf itself, the material too thin to be worn now that it's gotten colder. Jongin indulges in them as he walks, eyes closing as he takes a long whiff.
It smells so much like Sehun, not because he'd worn it recently, but because Jongin had a moment of weakness months ago, purchasing the detergent Sehun used to like. For a long time, the bottle simply sat on the shelf, unused, untouched, mirroring his own heart. For a long time, Jongin wondered if he should simply throw it away, discard it and let go of Sehun for good.
But then Chanyeol happened. Chanyeol, who held out his hand and picked up the pieces that had fallen with Jongin, putting back together a happiness that was once shattered. Chanyeol, who makes Jongin's heart beat so fast as it swells, Chanyeol who says and does all the right things. Chanyeol, who should be more than enough to mend Jongin's broken heart, but just isn't.
Not when half of Jongin's heart still belongs to someone else.
Jongin's eyes open just as a car horn blares, waking him from his earlier trance, pulling him from the swirl of memories and forgotten emotions. He steps back onto the sidewalk, half-numb fingers leaving his jeans pocket to push the button so he can safely cross. Jongin slips them back in, teeth gritting, legs shifting back and forth to work some warmth into his body.
He takes another deep breath, remembering the good; the kisses, the celebrations, the surprises, the love making. And the bad; the petty arguments, the boredom, the distancing. Remembering the ugly bruise on tan skin where Sehun had hit him, an accidental result of the cheating. And the belligerent, angry sex that came just before the breakup.
The sight of the green man urges Jongin to walk, to push those thoughts aside for a later time. He'll be warm soon, enclosed in the cozy little cafe that Chanyeol owns. Jongin won't be needing the scarf then, though almost every fiber of his being will yearn for it, for anything that would make him feel like Sehun is still close, still his.
The little silver bell above the door jingles when he steps in, and he's immediately engulfed in his boyfriend's arms. Jongin shuts his eyes again, loving the way Sehun's and Chanyeol's scents merge into one, wishing he could have this, the both of them for himself, always. But Chanyeol pulls away, and Jongin hangs Sehun's scarf on the stand, and there's the ever familiar pang of longing as he gives Chanyeol a smile.
"Hey, Jonginnie," Chanyeol greets, dimple deepening as he gazes so fondly at him. "Anything you'd like to have before we start? I'll make it for you right away."
Sehun, Jongin thinks but doesn't say. He shakes his head in reply, and for a split second he thinks Chanyeol might be frowning, but then the crease on his forehead is gone, and the glint in his eyes could not be brighter.
Chanyeol's just turned on his heel when a thought occurs to him.
"Wait," Jongin says. Chanyeol halts, looking at him quizzically. "Would it make me lazy if I asked you for a long black with no sugar?"
"Of course not, baby," Chanyeol answers, softening. "I'll make it with love."
Jongin laughs at this. "Remember, hyung, I don't want it sweet."
Chanyeol gives a soft chuckle back, heading for the coffee machine behind the counter. "No promises."
Jongin takes a seat on the counter, watching Chanyeol make the simple drink. It calms him, to listen to and study the way his boyfriend goes about his work. It's what made him fall in love with him in the first place, after spending so much time by Chanyeol's side, learning all about coffee and its secrets, learning how to make the perfect drinks just the way the customers would want.
His eyes drift over to the store in the back, where he had opened his mouth and spread his legs for Chanyeol the first time, just one week after his confession and two hours into their date. They've graduated since, making imprints on the tables, chairs, counters and walls after the shop closes or before it even opens. It leaves them the tedious task of having to clean the place harder, but Jongin supposes he can't complain.
Chanyeol adds the finishing touch, a pinch of nutmeg to enhance the flavor, and lightly blows at the drink before putting the mug to Jongin's lips. It's warm and smooth, running down his throat with ease, the caffeine sending a buzz through his system. Jongin dislikes taking coffee in such a pure state, but during their time together Sehun had always taken his bitter, and the lack of sugar recently has become so inviting.
Jongin knows that the other knows his true preference, and a lie is already beginning to form in his mind in case Chanyeol decides to ask about the sudden addiction to this bitter beverage.
"It's funny, how I'm well-known for my sweet drinks," Chanyeol starts, and Jongin braces himself, "and yet my boyfriend asks me for a long black every other day." He takes the mug in Jongin's hand and sets it down. "I used to think it was weird, but maybe that's just the kind of people I'm attracted to."
Jongin raises an eyebrow at this, wondering if Chanyeol's referring to a previous lover or new crush. Jongin wouldn't mind either, not when they've both agreed to an open relationship. Chanyeol can like anyone he wants, even fuck them if they're up for it, as long as it isn't being done behind Jongin's back like some secret. Like Jongin had done to Sehun once.
"A guy stopped by last week, looking like goddamn Adonis," Chanyeol tells him. "Said he knew you, so I offered him a discount. He seemed appreciative about it, or so I think. Barely moved a muscle on that gorgeous face of his."
"Was I in?"
"You were--in the back with Luhan." Jongin's cheeks sting, and Chanyeol grins as he lightly brushes them with his thumbs. "Cute. Were you blushing this much when you let him fuck your brains out?"
"Shut up," Jongin says, much too softly to have any effect on Chanyeol. "He was very gentle with me. So careful, like I was some tiny, fragile thing."
There's that low chuckle again, and when Chanyeol says "oh, right, I was the one who fucked you hard that night," the bass of his voice seems to have tripled and Jongin feels the warmth spreading through his groin and down his thighs.
It's impossible to put the memory of that night away now, and Jongin so vividly remembers how strong Chanyeol had been, big hands gripping his sides and pulling him up only to push him down a little further, a little harder every time. He can almost hear the bed creaking in the background, under their weight and the harsh, quick thrusts of Chanyeol when they changed position and Jongin had his legs stretched under the other's arms, pliant and weak, taking Chanyeol in willingly.
The red on his face must be deepening, because Chanyeol gives his cheeks a squeeze not a second later, making Jongin scowl, backing away.
"So, about that Adonis..."
"He has nothing on you," Chanyeol whispers, fingers gently pinching Jongin's chin, pulling him forward and into a soft kiss. Chanyeol's tongue is warm and he tastes so strongly of toothpaste, and with Jongin's own tasting like coffee, it's hard to ignore the illusion of having both his boyfriend and ex here at the same time.
Jongin's head spins at the idea, and he forces himself to break the kiss. Chanyeol tuts at the abrupt ending.
"Anyway, it was a quiet day. Neither you nor Luhan were there for me to talk to, so I made conversation."
Jongin licks his lips and smiles, amused. "And he participated?"
"Mind you, he seemed to really enjoy talking to me," Chanyeol says, eyes widening. "We hit it off pretty well. Besides, we both happen to like a lot of the same things."
"But hyung, you like everything."
"Will you stop trying to ruin my love story?"
"Oh, so you love him now?" Jongin asks, teasing.
"Perhaps not as much as you do," is Chanyeol's answer, and Jongin doesn't understand what he's trying to get at. Not until he says, "I had no clue until he ordered his drink. 'Just a cup of long black, no sugar. I like it bitter,' he said, and everything just clicked."
His first instinct is to jump off the counter, to run out the door or hide in the back, but Chanyeol quickly catches him by the waist and presses his forehead onto Jongin's.
"Hey, it's okay. It's okay, baby." Chanyeol's voice is soft, assuring, and hope bubbles in Jongin's chest, making him think that maybe the impossible is possible, after all. Maybe this time, he can finally make things right with Sehun. Maybe from now on, Jongin doesn't have to feel so wounded and incomplete.
"I'm sorry," Jongin murmurs into Chanyeol's neck, not really knowing what he's apologizing for. Chanyeol's always known about Sehun, about how fiercely Jongin had loved him, but Jongin'd never told his boyfriend that the feelings didn't go away. Chanyeol must've figured that out on his own. He supposes he's sorry about that.
"He knows about us, but he wants to meet you tonight, Jonginnie. Well, both of us, actually," Chanyeol tells him, hand sliding up the back of Jongin's neck and raking through his hair. "Now kiss me."
~
It's fairly busy at the cafe, and between serving customers and learning new tips and recipes from Chanyeol, you'd think that time would pass quickly for Jongin that day. But the morning drones on, and the afternoon feels endless. Jongin can tell that Chanyeol is getting antsy as well, glancing at his watch every now and again, glancing at Jongin and letting out little sighs.
It's been two years since the breakup, six months since Jongin's seen or heard from Sehun, and yet nothing compares to how long today feels. Jongin himself doesn't know if he's more excited or nervous. All he knows is how much he wants to see Sehun again, to look into his eyes and listen to what he has to say. To hug him maybe, hold him close until he's ready to finally let go.
Jongin wonders how Chanyeol would react to his interaction with Sehun tonight. He's been understanding so far, even making it a point to let Jongin know it'd be fine if he needed Chanyeol to leave the two of them alone. It's evident that his boyfriend fully trusts him, and though their friends might not entirely agree with their ways, what they have is solid, and stable.
They do what works for them, and for the things that don't, they make sure to never do again. There was a guy once, a Byun Baekhyun who dropped by every single day for a whole week before Jongin plucked up the courage to talk to him. Baekhyun had been working on his school assignment, an art piece that was nowhere near done when Jongin carried it home and dropped it onto the floor after being pushed onto the bed.
Jongin was always staring at Baekhyun's hands, captivated by the way his delicate fingers moved as he worked on his piece each day. The sounds had come unbidden that night, naturally leaving his lips as Baekhyun touched him in ways that seemed so new to Jongin, coaxing his walls open and pushing deep, deep, deeper until Jongin practically saw stars.
He'll never admit it, but Baekhyun could be the best sex Jongin would ever have, without even having to put his dick to use. Chanyeol could probably tell, because when Jongin had told him that Baekhyun finally finished his piece and invited Jongin over to see it, his boyfriend acted so strangely for the rest of the day that Jongin had no choice but to ditch Baekhyun for good.
The rule remains unspoken but they stick by it, and Jongin's glad that Chanyeol, too, hasn't been with anyone else more than once. He can't exactly figure out how Sehun would fit into the equation now, what with Jongin still holding out a torch to him, but there's the dangerous, irrational hope that maybe, just maybe, if the two had hit it off so well, they'd be willing to consider sharing him.
Jongin would shake his head time to time, as though the physical action could actually shake the imagination away. Chanyeol would catch him sometimes, and the third time it happens he approaches Jongin and brings him into the store, letting the part-timers take over outside while he calms Jongin down with an unhurried blowjob.
It helps, at least, to soothe his senses and make the time go a bit faster. Soon the sun is setting, and as shadows on the floor elongate and the crowd begins to thin, Jongin realizes just how nervous he truly is. He's afraid, to be perfectly honest, of what Sehun has to say, of what he will have to say to Sehun or Chanyeol. There are so many things that could go wrong tonight. Jongin could end up losing the both of them.
He's going to throw up.
"Hey, hey," Chanyeol coos as though he's read his mind, one hand placed on Jongin's back, "take it easy, okay, Jonginnie?" His boyfriend's touch is pleasantly warm against his shirt, the firm hold making Jongin feel safe and loved. The fear of losing Chanyeol creeps up again, and Jongin barely stays on his feet when he turns around to face him.
"Don't leave me," Jongin chokes out, not really caring if any of their remaining customers can hear him. It's not his first priority right now, and they're probably not listening in anyway. "Whatever happens tonight, please don't leave me."
Chanyeol's Adam's apple bobs as he chuckles, but he doesn't say anything. He doesn't need to, though, and Jongin finds comfort in the low, rumbling sounds that his boyfriend produces.
~
The usual lovely blend of aromas continues to waft through the cafe, flooding Jongin's senses. It's just him and Chanyeol now, cleaning up the last of today's mess, finishing whatever tasks the part-timers have missed. The light glints off Chanyeol's skin as he works the mop, arms stretching and flexing in the orange glow of the place.
His boyfriend's just taking a short break when Jongin finishes up, discarding the t-shirt he's worn the entire day for the pullover he had left the apartment in. Chanyeol's own clean shirt hangs next to the grey scarf, and Jongin's heart leaps at the sight. Sehun will be here soon. Jongin is as unprepared as he'd been this morning.
"Do you need help with anything, Chanyeollie hyung?" he asks, one hand wrapping his dirty shirt around the other, eyes transfixed on the scarf.
"No, baby," Chanyeol replies, Jongin just barely catching it. "I just have this corner left to mop, then I'm done."
Chanyeol's probably not looking, but Jongin nods his acknowledgement, body leaning forward as he takes the scarf in his free hand, nearly burying his nose into the material. It feels surreal, to expect Sehun's presence any minute now, to finally have more than a mere scarf to hold, more than a mental recollection of Sehun to see.
He jerks out of his reverie, shocked by Chanyeol's sudden touch. How long has he been standing there? Jongin doesn't know, but the mop is no longer within sight and Chanyeol's black wifebeater and t-shirt are slung over his shoulder, torso now clad in the shirt that was hanging what seemed like seconds ago.
"Wake up," Chanyeol says, the smirk matching his teasing tone. Jongin lets go of the scarf and rubs an eye with his palm, an abashed smile beginning to form on his lips. He's so out of it today.
"Sorry, hyung," he whispers, looking up at Chanyeol apologetically as he ruffles his own hair. It probably looks like Chanyeol's does, dark and mussed up, though the latter's is wavy in contrast. It occurs to Jongin, again, how his boyfriend looks so much like a human puppy. "I'm just so.. scared."
Chanyeol cups and caresses his cheek, Jongin leaning into the familiar, comforting touch. "What are you so scared about, silly?"
"I just don't want you to hate me. Either of you."
"Please." Chanyeol grins. "You can't make me hate you even if you tried. And Sehun's excited to see you again."
Jongin frowns. How can Chanyeol be so sure?
"At least, that's what he said in his text."
He gapes at his boyfriend, at the phone in his hand. "The two of you are texting?"
Chanyeol shrugs like it's nothing. "I wanted to get to know your ex. He wanted to get to know your boyfriend."
His heart is this close to jumping out of his throat. "A-and I suppose you now know in full detail about what happened between me and him?"
"Jongin," Chanyeol sighs, "I already know in full detail what happened between you two. I've known before we even got together. I accepted that about your past. I still do."
"I still feel so guilty about that, hyung."
A beat.
"Do you hate that about me?"
"What? No," Chanyeol groans, pulling Jongin into a hug by the neck. There's a tiny wet spot where Jongin's lips make contact with Chanyeol's smooth, salty skin. "You made a mistake. We all do," he whispers into Jongin's ear. "You were too drunk to realize what you were doing."
"Doesn't mean it didn't happen."
"Jongin, you can't keep hating yourself for something you didn't mean to do. Sehun forgave you a long time ago, why can't you do the same?"
Jongin helplessly shrugs in Chanyeol's arms.
"Sehun told me he bumped into you six months ago. Said you made eye contact but you ran off before he could properly say hi? To be honest, the reason I only told you about Sehun today is because I was afraid you'd disappear on him again otherwise."
"I cheated on my ex-boyfriend with a girl, Chanyeol. How does anyone expect me to face him after that?"
"You fucked your best friend because she was there for you when he wasn't," Chanyeol says, and though his statement's a lot more accurate, it doesn't necessarily make Jongin feel any better. Just reminds him how fucked up it had been back then.
"Him not being there at the time was trivial. No one deserves to be cheated on." Jongin shifts in his hold and meets Chanyeol's gaze. "I don't think I could live with myself if I did the same thing to you."
"Good thing we don't ever have to worry about that," Chanyeol says, squeezing the slight bulge of Jongin's nose between his thumb and index finger before giving it a soft peck. "You and I, Jongin, we're the same. Having one person to ourselves has never been enough for us, we both know that. And I trust you. A lot. Too much, actually."
Jongin blinks, focusing on the door when his eyes open. It's comforting, resting against Chanyeol's heaving chest, listening to his declarations, and Jongin wouldn't give this up for anything in the world. Even if it means getting Sehun back somehow, Jongin never wants to risk losing Chanyeol. It's ironic, life is such, but the space they give each other has ultimately made Jongin so attached to his current lover.
Just then the bell above the door jingles, and Jongin is about to announce that they're closed when he sees who's just walked in. The words die in his throat, and the memories come in tenfold, his heart hammering against his chest.
Oh Sehun stands before them, looking impeccable in dark jeans and a down jacket that Jongin knows is soft to the touch. He's exactly how Jongin remembers him from six months ago, on that fateful day he now wishes had gone a little differently, save for the part where he'd first met Chanyeol in a bar downtown.
Jongin is not at all prepared for the longing feeling that entraps him. Sehun isn't his anymore, and oh, how he wishes he could do something about that.
He's thought over this meeting so many times in the last few hours, imagining the first few minutes into their reunion. In his mind, Sehun would give the slightest hint of a smile, and Jongin would stride over, grab him by the shirt and pull him into a hug. Maybe apologize, or ask how he's been, before sheepishly motioning over to Chanyeol.
Nothing goes the way Jongin'd pictured it. Sehun looks right at him but it's Chanyeol who greets him first, probably because he's aware that Jongin can't speak all of a sudden, feet rooted to the floor as he gapes silently at the younger man. Right off the bat, the two are talking, about the weather, about how they've been, about the soccer match they caught last night, and Jongin begins to feel like some kind of outsider. Intruder, even.
This can't possibly go well.
~
Sweat clings to his pullover, making the skin beneath itch uncomfortably. Jongin strips himself of it, liberated not only from the material but from his previous worries as well. The unthinkable has happened, the impossible now an open door he can gladly walk into. He joins Chanyeol in the shower, his skin sticky against Chanyeol's own, moistened by the pouring shower.
Jongin envelops his arms around the other's hips and gives a sigh, the breath he emits causing Chanyeol's dusky nipple to harden. The latter laughs at the sensation but doesn't back away, instead tightening his grip on Jongin's shoulder. "So clingy," Chanyeol says in that low, bassy voice of his. "I should get to know your exes more often."
Jongin shakes his head. "I don't want anyone else." He straightens himself and turns, leaving hardly any space between their lips. "You and Sehun are all I need."
Chanyeol kisses him first, lips enthusiastic to take Jongin's, tongue moving in lovely, languid motions. It's a mix of fast and slow, and Jongin has always admired Chanyeol's ability to expertly put two different things together and turn them into one beautiful blend. Whether it's making caffeinated drinks, or reconciling his boyfriend with a past lover without creating any strain, Jongin can always count on Chanyeol to create something wonderful.
And he owes Chanyeol for that, for bringing Sehun back into his life, for suggesting they try out this three-way relationship instead of an open one. Jongin supposes the debt is already being paid, though, seeing how taken Chanyeol is by Sehun, who seems positively overwhelmed by it all.
Jongin doesn't know how things will turn out, exactly, but he's willing to try it out. Anything to keep the two people he loves in his life. Anything to keep from losing the both of them.
~
The phone barely rings the first time before Sehun's voice appears on the other end. It sounds just the way Jongin'd remembered it, a slightly mechanical version of Sehun's voice, notwitholding any emotion he truly feels. It reminds him of the phonecalls they'd had back then, mostly to discuss their different strategies for the newer, more complicated video games. Mostly to procrastinate doing their assignments.
"Can you meet me today?" Jongin asks now, brow furrowing, worried that Sehun might reply with a blatant no. "Just me."
"Does Chanyeol know?"
Of course that's his immediate reaction. "Yeah," he breathes, finger tapping the side of his phone, teeth running over his lower lip. Over the past few weeks, Sehun and Chanyeol have become somewhat inseperable, falling so perfectly together even quicker than Sehun and Jongin had in the past. Even quicker than they are, now, in the present.
Jongin wishes he could say he wasn't jealous, but he is. While Chanyeol remains just as sweet and loving, Sehun seems even further than he'd been the last two years, and Jongin envies just how easily Chanyeol is able to steal his half of Sehun's heart.
Jongin tells him all these when he drops by Sehun's apartment. It's the first time he's been there, and from the looks of it, Sehun himself hasn't been in it that much either. Brown boxes still litter the corridor, screaming to be unpacked as they collect bits of dust against the wall. The floor is bare, white marble that shows distorted reflections.
It doesn't feel like home, and Jongin fleetingly wondered if Sehun doesn't bother because he's lazy, or because he's considering moving in with them. With Chanyeol, to be precise.
"It's, uh, charming," Jongin had said, rather unconvincingly, after walking in.
Sehun snorted. "It's horrible and makes you feel empty inside. You sound just like Chanyeol, sugarcoating your real thoughts about this place. What happened to the blunt Jongin I know?"
"Chanyeol's been here."
"Yeah," he answered, though it hadn't been a question. "He's tried to help me paint it a couple times, but I'm just not feeling it. Honestly, I can't wait till I can get a new place."
It was at that point that Jongin's knees gave out and he dropped onto the leather couch, the stiff material lightly squeaking under his weight. All those times Chanyeol had told him he was meeting Sehun, Jongin never guessed that they'd be spending their time here. There isn't much to do in an empty apartment.
The words spill out of Jongin's mouth then, and Sehun listens quietly, not interrupting him once. Jongin keeps talking, watching his own hands gesture as he speaks his mind and heart out, watching his feet fidget on the floor. Sehun settles a couple inches away on the couch, attention all on him.
"Just tell me I'm paranoid," Jongin says finally, concluding his rant.
"You are," Sehun tells him, nodding, returning the smile that Jongin's lips are starting to form. "Jongin, breaking up with you was the dumbest thing I've ever done. Clearly, I'm not going to throw you away just like that, or think you're second best. I love you, and honestly I was under the impression that you were pushing me away."
Jongin finally faces him. "I'm sorry."
Sehun actually rolls his eyes at this. "Come on, Jongin, I'm over it. Let's move on from the mistakes we both made and try, really try, to make this work."
"Okay," he nods, smile widening. "Let's do that."
~
Jongin wakes up later than usual on Saturday, the sun well up and glaring through the window, warming Chanyeol's side of the bed. It's empty, though unmade, which indicates that his boyfriend is still home, possibly making or having breakfast. As if on cue, his stomach growls, reminding him of the lack of dinner the night before.
Rubbing the sleep off his eyes, Jongin rolls out of bed and trudges to the kitchen. A steaming plate of scrambled eggs sits on the counter, bright and inviting, and there's a pot of something boiling on the stove. Chanyeol stands before it, bedhair hidden by his favorite black cap, scrutinizing its state.
"Morning, hyung," Jongin says, syllables stumbling over one another as he lets out an untimely yawn. "What're you making?"
"It's supposed to be bean paste soup, but it's more bean than anything right now."
Jongin laughs. "Your expertise is beans, after all."
"This is not funny," Chanyeol whines, or attempts to, at least. His voice cracks a little, making him sound even more ridiculous than probably intended.
"If it has Jongin laughing, it probably is," Sehun says matter-of-factly, taking the chair next to him, the bundle of today's newspaper in his hand.
Jongin's laughter fades to a stop and he gives Sehun a cheesy smile in greeting. He'd forgotten, again, that Sehun's finally moved in, the apartment he owns now rented to a nice couple starting their city life together. It hasn't been a week since they've helped him unpack the last box, but when Jongin actually remembers he's part of the household, it feels like the puzzle pieces finally fit. Like his and Chanyeol's apartment finally feels complete, even if they hadn't known it was missing something; someone.
And as Jongin looks at the two of them, Chanyeol scratching his head and muttering bean paste soup-related curses under his breath, Sehun licking his lips now and then while reading the newspaper, there's a soaring in his chest he's never felt before. It lifts his heart and fills him up, overwhelming him with its intensity.
He's going to try and do it right this time.
Pairing: Jongin/Chanyeol/Sehun, mentions of Jongin/Luhan & Jongin/Baekhyun
Word Count: ~4.9K
Rating: R
Warnings: sexual content, mentions of cheating, mentions of sex under the influence of alcohol
Summary: One wrong makes two people right for Jongin.
Author's Note: written for forjongin. originally posted here
The air is as crisp as the leaves that crunch with every few steps, biting at his exposed cheeks. Jongin buries his face further into the scarf wrapped around him, remembering just a bit more, just another fraction of Oh Sehun. The memories are much warmer than the scarf itself, the material too thin to be worn now that it's gotten colder. Jongin indulges in them as he walks, eyes closing as he takes a long whiff.
It smells so much like Sehun, not because he'd worn it recently, but because Jongin had a moment of weakness months ago, purchasing the detergent Sehun used to like. For a long time, the bottle simply sat on the shelf, unused, untouched, mirroring his own heart. For a long time, Jongin wondered if he should simply throw it away, discard it and let go of Sehun for good.
But then Chanyeol happened. Chanyeol, who held out his hand and picked up the pieces that had fallen with Jongin, putting back together a happiness that was once shattered. Chanyeol, who makes Jongin's heart beat so fast as it swells, Chanyeol who says and does all the right things. Chanyeol, who should be more than enough to mend Jongin's broken heart, but just isn't.
Not when half of Jongin's heart still belongs to someone else.
Jongin's eyes open just as a car horn blares, waking him from his earlier trance, pulling him from the swirl of memories and forgotten emotions. He steps back onto the sidewalk, half-numb fingers leaving his jeans pocket to push the button so he can safely cross. Jongin slips them back in, teeth gritting, legs shifting back and forth to work some warmth into his body.
He takes another deep breath, remembering the good; the kisses, the celebrations, the surprises, the love making. And the bad; the petty arguments, the boredom, the distancing. Remembering the ugly bruise on tan skin where Sehun had hit him, an accidental result of the cheating. And the belligerent, angry sex that came just before the breakup.
The sight of the green man urges Jongin to walk, to push those thoughts aside for a later time. He'll be warm soon, enclosed in the cozy little cafe that Chanyeol owns. Jongin won't be needing the scarf then, though almost every fiber of his being will yearn for it, for anything that would make him feel like Sehun is still close, still his.
The little silver bell above the door jingles when he steps in, and he's immediately engulfed in his boyfriend's arms. Jongin shuts his eyes again, loving the way Sehun's and Chanyeol's scents merge into one, wishing he could have this, the both of them for himself, always. But Chanyeol pulls away, and Jongin hangs Sehun's scarf on the stand, and there's the ever familiar pang of longing as he gives Chanyeol a smile.
"Hey, Jonginnie," Chanyeol greets, dimple deepening as he gazes so fondly at him. "Anything you'd like to have before we start? I'll make it for you right away."
Sehun, Jongin thinks but doesn't say. He shakes his head in reply, and for a split second he thinks Chanyeol might be frowning, but then the crease on his forehead is gone, and the glint in his eyes could not be brighter.
Chanyeol's just turned on his heel when a thought occurs to him.
"Wait," Jongin says. Chanyeol halts, looking at him quizzically. "Would it make me lazy if I asked you for a long black with no sugar?"
"Of course not, baby," Chanyeol answers, softening. "I'll make it with love."
Jongin laughs at this. "Remember, hyung, I don't want it sweet."
Chanyeol gives a soft chuckle back, heading for the coffee machine behind the counter. "No promises."
Jongin takes a seat on the counter, watching Chanyeol make the simple drink. It calms him, to listen to and study the way his boyfriend goes about his work. It's what made him fall in love with him in the first place, after spending so much time by Chanyeol's side, learning all about coffee and its secrets, learning how to make the perfect drinks just the way the customers would want.
His eyes drift over to the store in the back, where he had opened his mouth and spread his legs for Chanyeol the first time, just one week after his confession and two hours into their date. They've graduated since, making imprints on the tables, chairs, counters and walls after the shop closes or before it even opens. It leaves them the tedious task of having to clean the place harder, but Jongin supposes he can't complain.
Chanyeol adds the finishing touch, a pinch of nutmeg to enhance the flavor, and lightly blows at the drink before putting the mug to Jongin's lips. It's warm and smooth, running down his throat with ease, the caffeine sending a buzz through his system. Jongin dislikes taking coffee in such a pure state, but during their time together Sehun had always taken his bitter, and the lack of sugar recently has become so inviting.
Jongin knows that the other knows his true preference, and a lie is already beginning to form in his mind in case Chanyeol decides to ask about the sudden addiction to this bitter beverage.
"It's funny, how I'm well-known for my sweet drinks," Chanyeol starts, and Jongin braces himself, "and yet my boyfriend asks me for a long black every other day." He takes the mug in Jongin's hand and sets it down. "I used to think it was weird, but maybe that's just the kind of people I'm attracted to."
Jongin raises an eyebrow at this, wondering if Chanyeol's referring to a previous lover or new crush. Jongin wouldn't mind either, not when they've both agreed to an open relationship. Chanyeol can like anyone he wants, even fuck them if they're up for it, as long as it isn't being done behind Jongin's back like some secret. Like Jongin had done to Sehun once.
"A guy stopped by last week, looking like goddamn Adonis," Chanyeol tells him. "Said he knew you, so I offered him a discount. He seemed appreciative about it, or so I think. Barely moved a muscle on that gorgeous face of his."
"Was I in?"
"You were--in the back with Luhan." Jongin's cheeks sting, and Chanyeol grins as he lightly brushes them with his thumbs. "Cute. Were you blushing this much when you let him fuck your brains out?"
"Shut up," Jongin says, much too softly to have any effect on Chanyeol. "He was very gentle with me. So careful, like I was some tiny, fragile thing."
There's that low chuckle again, and when Chanyeol says "oh, right, I was the one who fucked you hard that night," the bass of his voice seems to have tripled and Jongin feels the warmth spreading through his groin and down his thighs.
It's impossible to put the memory of that night away now, and Jongin so vividly remembers how strong Chanyeol had been, big hands gripping his sides and pulling him up only to push him down a little further, a little harder every time. He can almost hear the bed creaking in the background, under their weight and the harsh, quick thrusts of Chanyeol when they changed position and Jongin had his legs stretched under the other's arms, pliant and weak, taking Chanyeol in willingly.
The red on his face must be deepening, because Chanyeol gives his cheeks a squeeze not a second later, making Jongin scowl, backing away.
"So, about that Adonis..."
"He has nothing on you," Chanyeol whispers, fingers gently pinching Jongin's chin, pulling him forward and into a soft kiss. Chanyeol's tongue is warm and he tastes so strongly of toothpaste, and with Jongin's own tasting like coffee, it's hard to ignore the illusion of having both his boyfriend and ex here at the same time.
Jongin's head spins at the idea, and he forces himself to break the kiss. Chanyeol tuts at the abrupt ending.
"Anyway, it was a quiet day. Neither you nor Luhan were there for me to talk to, so I made conversation."
Jongin licks his lips and smiles, amused. "And he participated?"
"Mind you, he seemed to really enjoy talking to me," Chanyeol says, eyes widening. "We hit it off pretty well. Besides, we both happen to like a lot of the same things."
"But hyung, you like everything."
"Will you stop trying to ruin my love story?"
"Oh, so you love him now?" Jongin asks, teasing.
"Perhaps not as much as you do," is Chanyeol's answer, and Jongin doesn't understand what he's trying to get at. Not until he says, "I had no clue until he ordered his drink. 'Just a cup of long black, no sugar. I like it bitter,' he said, and everything just clicked."
His first instinct is to jump off the counter, to run out the door or hide in the back, but Chanyeol quickly catches him by the waist and presses his forehead onto Jongin's.
"Hey, it's okay. It's okay, baby." Chanyeol's voice is soft, assuring, and hope bubbles in Jongin's chest, making him think that maybe the impossible is possible, after all. Maybe this time, he can finally make things right with Sehun. Maybe from now on, Jongin doesn't have to feel so wounded and incomplete.
"I'm sorry," Jongin murmurs into Chanyeol's neck, not really knowing what he's apologizing for. Chanyeol's always known about Sehun, about how fiercely Jongin had loved him, but Jongin'd never told his boyfriend that the feelings didn't go away. Chanyeol must've figured that out on his own. He supposes he's sorry about that.
"He knows about us, but he wants to meet you tonight, Jonginnie. Well, both of us, actually," Chanyeol tells him, hand sliding up the back of Jongin's neck and raking through his hair. "Now kiss me."
~
It's fairly busy at the cafe, and between serving customers and learning new tips and recipes from Chanyeol, you'd think that time would pass quickly for Jongin that day. But the morning drones on, and the afternoon feels endless. Jongin can tell that Chanyeol is getting antsy as well, glancing at his watch every now and again, glancing at Jongin and letting out little sighs.
It's been two years since the breakup, six months since Jongin's seen or heard from Sehun, and yet nothing compares to how long today feels. Jongin himself doesn't know if he's more excited or nervous. All he knows is how much he wants to see Sehun again, to look into his eyes and listen to what he has to say. To hug him maybe, hold him close until he's ready to finally let go.
Jongin wonders how Chanyeol would react to his interaction with Sehun tonight. He's been understanding so far, even making it a point to let Jongin know it'd be fine if he needed Chanyeol to leave the two of them alone. It's evident that his boyfriend fully trusts him, and though their friends might not entirely agree with their ways, what they have is solid, and stable.
They do what works for them, and for the things that don't, they make sure to never do again. There was a guy once, a Byun Baekhyun who dropped by every single day for a whole week before Jongin plucked up the courage to talk to him. Baekhyun had been working on his school assignment, an art piece that was nowhere near done when Jongin carried it home and dropped it onto the floor after being pushed onto the bed.
Jongin was always staring at Baekhyun's hands, captivated by the way his delicate fingers moved as he worked on his piece each day. The sounds had come unbidden that night, naturally leaving his lips as Baekhyun touched him in ways that seemed so new to Jongin, coaxing his walls open and pushing deep, deep, deeper until Jongin practically saw stars.
He'll never admit it, but Baekhyun could be the best sex Jongin would ever have, without even having to put his dick to use. Chanyeol could probably tell, because when Jongin had told him that Baekhyun finally finished his piece and invited Jongin over to see it, his boyfriend acted so strangely for the rest of the day that Jongin had no choice but to ditch Baekhyun for good.
The rule remains unspoken but they stick by it, and Jongin's glad that Chanyeol, too, hasn't been with anyone else more than once. He can't exactly figure out how Sehun would fit into the equation now, what with Jongin still holding out a torch to him, but there's the dangerous, irrational hope that maybe, just maybe, if the two had hit it off so well, they'd be willing to consider sharing him.
Jongin would shake his head time to time, as though the physical action could actually shake the imagination away. Chanyeol would catch him sometimes, and the third time it happens he approaches Jongin and brings him into the store, letting the part-timers take over outside while he calms Jongin down with an unhurried blowjob.
It helps, at least, to soothe his senses and make the time go a bit faster. Soon the sun is setting, and as shadows on the floor elongate and the crowd begins to thin, Jongin realizes just how nervous he truly is. He's afraid, to be perfectly honest, of what Sehun has to say, of what he will have to say to Sehun or Chanyeol. There are so many things that could go wrong tonight. Jongin could end up losing the both of them.
He's going to throw up.
"Hey, hey," Chanyeol coos as though he's read his mind, one hand placed on Jongin's back, "take it easy, okay, Jonginnie?" His boyfriend's touch is pleasantly warm against his shirt, the firm hold making Jongin feel safe and loved. The fear of losing Chanyeol creeps up again, and Jongin barely stays on his feet when he turns around to face him.
"Don't leave me," Jongin chokes out, not really caring if any of their remaining customers can hear him. It's not his first priority right now, and they're probably not listening in anyway. "Whatever happens tonight, please don't leave me."
Chanyeol's Adam's apple bobs as he chuckles, but he doesn't say anything. He doesn't need to, though, and Jongin finds comfort in the low, rumbling sounds that his boyfriend produces.
~
The usual lovely blend of aromas continues to waft through the cafe, flooding Jongin's senses. It's just him and Chanyeol now, cleaning up the last of today's mess, finishing whatever tasks the part-timers have missed. The light glints off Chanyeol's skin as he works the mop, arms stretching and flexing in the orange glow of the place.
His boyfriend's just taking a short break when Jongin finishes up, discarding the t-shirt he's worn the entire day for the pullover he had left the apartment in. Chanyeol's own clean shirt hangs next to the grey scarf, and Jongin's heart leaps at the sight. Sehun will be here soon. Jongin is as unprepared as he'd been this morning.
"Do you need help with anything, Chanyeollie hyung?" he asks, one hand wrapping his dirty shirt around the other, eyes transfixed on the scarf.
"No, baby," Chanyeol replies, Jongin just barely catching it. "I just have this corner left to mop, then I'm done."
Chanyeol's probably not looking, but Jongin nods his acknowledgement, body leaning forward as he takes the scarf in his free hand, nearly burying his nose into the material. It feels surreal, to expect Sehun's presence any minute now, to finally have more than a mere scarf to hold, more than a mental recollection of Sehun to see.
He jerks out of his reverie, shocked by Chanyeol's sudden touch. How long has he been standing there? Jongin doesn't know, but the mop is no longer within sight and Chanyeol's black wifebeater and t-shirt are slung over his shoulder, torso now clad in the shirt that was hanging what seemed like seconds ago.
"Wake up," Chanyeol says, the smirk matching his teasing tone. Jongin lets go of the scarf and rubs an eye with his palm, an abashed smile beginning to form on his lips. He's so out of it today.
"Sorry, hyung," he whispers, looking up at Chanyeol apologetically as he ruffles his own hair. It probably looks like Chanyeol's does, dark and mussed up, though the latter's is wavy in contrast. It occurs to Jongin, again, how his boyfriend looks so much like a human puppy. "I'm just so.. scared."
Chanyeol cups and caresses his cheek, Jongin leaning into the familiar, comforting touch. "What are you so scared about, silly?"
"I just don't want you to hate me. Either of you."
"Please." Chanyeol grins. "You can't make me hate you even if you tried. And Sehun's excited to see you again."
Jongin frowns. How can Chanyeol be so sure?
"At least, that's what he said in his text."
He gapes at his boyfriend, at the phone in his hand. "The two of you are texting?"
Chanyeol shrugs like it's nothing. "I wanted to get to know your ex. He wanted to get to know your boyfriend."
His heart is this close to jumping out of his throat. "A-and I suppose you now know in full detail about what happened between me and him?"
"Jongin," Chanyeol sighs, "I already know in full detail what happened between you two. I've known before we even got together. I accepted that about your past. I still do."
"I still feel so guilty about that, hyung."
A beat.
"Do you hate that about me?"
"What? No," Chanyeol groans, pulling Jongin into a hug by the neck. There's a tiny wet spot where Jongin's lips make contact with Chanyeol's smooth, salty skin. "You made a mistake. We all do," he whispers into Jongin's ear. "You were too drunk to realize what you were doing."
"Doesn't mean it didn't happen."
"Jongin, you can't keep hating yourself for something you didn't mean to do. Sehun forgave you a long time ago, why can't you do the same?"
Jongin helplessly shrugs in Chanyeol's arms.
"Sehun told me he bumped into you six months ago. Said you made eye contact but you ran off before he could properly say hi? To be honest, the reason I only told you about Sehun today is because I was afraid you'd disappear on him again otherwise."
"I cheated on my ex-boyfriend with a girl, Chanyeol. How does anyone expect me to face him after that?"
"You fucked your best friend because she was there for you when he wasn't," Chanyeol says, and though his statement's a lot more accurate, it doesn't necessarily make Jongin feel any better. Just reminds him how fucked up it had been back then.
"Him not being there at the time was trivial. No one deserves to be cheated on." Jongin shifts in his hold and meets Chanyeol's gaze. "I don't think I could live with myself if I did the same thing to you."
"Good thing we don't ever have to worry about that," Chanyeol says, squeezing the slight bulge of Jongin's nose between his thumb and index finger before giving it a soft peck. "You and I, Jongin, we're the same. Having one person to ourselves has never been enough for us, we both know that. And I trust you. A lot. Too much, actually."
Jongin blinks, focusing on the door when his eyes open. It's comforting, resting against Chanyeol's heaving chest, listening to his declarations, and Jongin wouldn't give this up for anything in the world. Even if it means getting Sehun back somehow, Jongin never wants to risk losing Chanyeol. It's ironic, life is such, but the space they give each other has ultimately made Jongin so attached to his current lover.
Just then the bell above the door jingles, and Jongin is about to announce that they're closed when he sees who's just walked in. The words die in his throat, and the memories come in tenfold, his heart hammering against his chest.
Oh Sehun stands before them, looking impeccable in dark jeans and a down jacket that Jongin knows is soft to the touch. He's exactly how Jongin remembers him from six months ago, on that fateful day he now wishes had gone a little differently, save for the part where he'd first met Chanyeol in a bar downtown.
Jongin is not at all prepared for the longing feeling that entraps him. Sehun isn't his anymore, and oh, how he wishes he could do something about that.
He's thought over this meeting so many times in the last few hours, imagining the first few minutes into their reunion. In his mind, Sehun would give the slightest hint of a smile, and Jongin would stride over, grab him by the shirt and pull him into a hug. Maybe apologize, or ask how he's been, before sheepishly motioning over to Chanyeol.
Nothing goes the way Jongin'd pictured it. Sehun looks right at him but it's Chanyeol who greets him first, probably because he's aware that Jongin can't speak all of a sudden, feet rooted to the floor as he gapes silently at the younger man. Right off the bat, the two are talking, about the weather, about how they've been, about the soccer match they caught last night, and Jongin begins to feel like some kind of outsider. Intruder, even.
This can't possibly go well.
~
Sweat clings to his pullover, making the skin beneath itch uncomfortably. Jongin strips himself of it, liberated not only from the material but from his previous worries as well. The unthinkable has happened, the impossible now an open door he can gladly walk into. He joins Chanyeol in the shower, his skin sticky against Chanyeol's own, moistened by the pouring shower.
Jongin envelops his arms around the other's hips and gives a sigh, the breath he emits causing Chanyeol's dusky nipple to harden. The latter laughs at the sensation but doesn't back away, instead tightening his grip on Jongin's shoulder. "So clingy," Chanyeol says in that low, bassy voice of his. "I should get to know your exes more often."
Jongin shakes his head. "I don't want anyone else." He straightens himself and turns, leaving hardly any space between their lips. "You and Sehun are all I need."
Chanyeol kisses him first, lips enthusiastic to take Jongin's, tongue moving in lovely, languid motions. It's a mix of fast and slow, and Jongin has always admired Chanyeol's ability to expertly put two different things together and turn them into one beautiful blend. Whether it's making caffeinated drinks, or reconciling his boyfriend with a past lover without creating any strain, Jongin can always count on Chanyeol to create something wonderful.
And he owes Chanyeol for that, for bringing Sehun back into his life, for suggesting they try out this three-way relationship instead of an open one. Jongin supposes the debt is already being paid, though, seeing how taken Chanyeol is by Sehun, who seems positively overwhelmed by it all.
Jongin doesn't know how things will turn out, exactly, but he's willing to try it out. Anything to keep the two people he loves in his life. Anything to keep from losing the both of them.
~
The phone barely rings the first time before Sehun's voice appears on the other end. It sounds just the way Jongin'd remembered it, a slightly mechanical version of Sehun's voice, notwitholding any emotion he truly feels. It reminds him of the phonecalls they'd had back then, mostly to discuss their different strategies for the newer, more complicated video games. Mostly to procrastinate doing their assignments.
"Can you meet me today?" Jongin asks now, brow furrowing, worried that Sehun might reply with a blatant no. "Just me."
"Does Chanyeol know?"
Of course that's his immediate reaction. "Yeah," he breathes, finger tapping the side of his phone, teeth running over his lower lip. Over the past few weeks, Sehun and Chanyeol have become somewhat inseperable, falling so perfectly together even quicker than Sehun and Jongin had in the past. Even quicker than they are, now, in the present.
Jongin wishes he could say he wasn't jealous, but he is. While Chanyeol remains just as sweet and loving, Sehun seems even further than he'd been the last two years, and Jongin envies just how easily Chanyeol is able to steal his half of Sehun's heart.
Jongin tells him all these when he drops by Sehun's apartment. It's the first time he's been there, and from the looks of it, Sehun himself hasn't been in it that much either. Brown boxes still litter the corridor, screaming to be unpacked as they collect bits of dust against the wall. The floor is bare, white marble that shows distorted reflections.
It doesn't feel like home, and Jongin fleetingly wondered if Sehun doesn't bother because he's lazy, or because he's considering moving in with them. With Chanyeol, to be precise.
"It's, uh, charming," Jongin had said, rather unconvincingly, after walking in.
Sehun snorted. "It's horrible and makes you feel empty inside. You sound just like Chanyeol, sugarcoating your real thoughts about this place. What happened to the blunt Jongin I know?"
"Chanyeol's been here."
"Yeah," he answered, though it hadn't been a question. "He's tried to help me paint it a couple times, but I'm just not feeling it. Honestly, I can't wait till I can get a new place."
It was at that point that Jongin's knees gave out and he dropped onto the leather couch, the stiff material lightly squeaking under his weight. All those times Chanyeol had told him he was meeting Sehun, Jongin never guessed that they'd be spending their time here. There isn't much to do in an empty apartment.
The words spill out of Jongin's mouth then, and Sehun listens quietly, not interrupting him once. Jongin keeps talking, watching his own hands gesture as he speaks his mind and heart out, watching his feet fidget on the floor. Sehun settles a couple inches away on the couch, attention all on him.
"Just tell me I'm paranoid," Jongin says finally, concluding his rant.
"You are," Sehun tells him, nodding, returning the smile that Jongin's lips are starting to form. "Jongin, breaking up with you was the dumbest thing I've ever done. Clearly, I'm not going to throw you away just like that, or think you're second best. I love you, and honestly I was under the impression that you were pushing me away."
Jongin finally faces him. "I'm sorry."
Sehun actually rolls his eyes at this. "Come on, Jongin, I'm over it. Let's move on from the mistakes we both made and try, really try, to make this work."
"Okay," he nods, smile widening. "Let's do that."
~
Jongin wakes up later than usual on Saturday, the sun well up and glaring through the window, warming Chanyeol's side of the bed. It's empty, though unmade, which indicates that his boyfriend is still home, possibly making or having breakfast. As if on cue, his stomach growls, reminding him of the lack of dinner the night before.
Rubbing the sleep off his eyes, Jongin rolls out of bed and trudges to the kitchen. A steaming plate of scrambled eggs sits on the counter, bright and inviting, and there's a pot of something boiling on the stove. Chanyeol stands before it, bedhair hidden by his favorite black cap, scrutinizing its state.
"Morning, hyung," Jongin says, syllables stumbling over one another as he lets out an untimely yawn. "What're you making?"
"It's supposed to be bean paste soup, but it's more bean than anything right now."
Jongin laughs. "Your expertise is beans, after all."
"This is not funny," Chanyeol whines, or attempts to, at least. His voice cracks a little, making him sound even more ridiculous than probably intended.
"If it has Jongin laughing, it probably is," Sehun says matter-of-factly, taking the chair next to him, the bundle of today's newspaper in his hand.
Jongin's laughter fades to a stop and he gives Sehun a cheesy smile in greeting. He'd forgotten, again, that Sehun's finally moved in, the apartment he owns now rented to a nice couple starting their city life together. It hasn't been a week since they've helped him unpack the last box, but when Jongin actually remembers he's part of the household, it feels like the puzzle pieces finally fit. Like his and Chanyeol's apartment finally feels complete, even if they hadn't known it was missing something; someone.
And as Jongin looks at the two of them, Chanyeol scratching his head and muttering bean paste soup-related curses under his breath, Sehun licking his lips now and then while reading the newspaper, there's a soaring in his chest he's never felt before. It lifts his heart and fills him up, overwhelming him with its intensity.
He's going to try and do it right this time.