We need a replay (2/2)
we need a replay (2/2)
gen, onjongkey friendship
13,350 words
If anything, recognizing the signs of their slow slide to falling apart had made it worse.
Jinki breaks a plate. Plain and simple. It's something they've all done before, especially Jinki, but Kibum just... snaps. Jonghyun doesn't really blame him, since he knows Kibum has been keeping his feelings in for a long time, so he just lets Kibum storm out of the house, all billowing clothes and flyaway hair, a hurricane of pent-up anger.
Jinki is a curled-up ball on the couch. "Hey," Jonghyun says quietly, settling into the spot beside Jinki. "It's going to be okay."
Jinki turns towards him, Jonghyun's words sparking a fuel of hope in his eyes. "Really?" He wants to know, and Jonghyun can hear the underlying current of relief, desperation and hope in his voice.
"Really," Jonghyun promises. "He'll be back."
Jinki sags against the couch, pressing a hand to his face. "I didn't mean to do it," he says morosely into his palm, and Jonghyun pats his elbow reassuringly.
"I know," Jonghyun says. "I'll get you a glass of water."
When he comes back, Jinki is hugging the cushion to his chest. It's covered with prints of animals in the zoo, something Kibum had unexpectedly picked out. Jonghyun has a feeling it was specially for Jinki, whose face had lit up when Kibum had handed it to him.
Jonghyun hands the glass to Jinki, who accepts it with a grateful smile. Jonghyun sits back down again as Jinki gulps half the glass in one shot, then clutches it in his hands, his smile flipping upside down again. "Hey," Jonghyun says, nudging Jinki's side. "Stop looking so glum."
Jinki shrugs, and there's a flash of bitterness in his eyes that drips all the way down to his face, tugging the corners of his lips downwards. It makes Jonghyun's heart clench a little in his chest, and Jonghyun leans forward, desperate enough to do anything, just as long as it makes that look go away from Jinki's face.
"Jonghyun," Jinki says, looking slightly startled at the lack of distance between the two of them. Jonghyun presses close and fits his lips against Jinki's, lightly, barely there.
And then the door is flung open and Kibum is standing there wearing a stunned look and Jinki pushes Jonghyun away and drops his glass on the ground in the process and Jonghyun looks from the shattered shards on the carpet to Jinki's uncomfortable expression to Kibum's face that is drawn tight from hurt and shock.
"Kibum," Jonghyun and Jinki say at the same time, but he turns and flees into the room.
-
"Look," Jonghyun says. He runs a hand through his hair, unsure of how to explain this awful mess. "It was just. God, I don't know what to say."
"That you've been secretly in love with Jinki-hyung these past few years? That you've been dating him behind my back?" Kibum says, voice muffled by the pillow his face is pressed into. "Go on, just spit it out."
Jonghyun sighs. "No," he snaps. "It's not like that."
Kibum is frustratingly silent, and Jonghyun stalks over to him and pulls him up by the collar of his shirt. "Would you stop burying your face into your pillow?" Jonghyun says. "I'm trying to talk here, you know."
Kibum lifts his head up grudgingly. "Yeah, well, I'm listening."
"He just looked so sad, you know," Jonghyun says. He sits down beside Kibum on the bed, and for some reason, his hands are twisting on his lap of their own accord. "It was pure instinct, I have no idea why."
"So you go around kissing people just because they look sad?" Kibum asks, incredulous.
"Well, yeah," Jonghyun says defensively. "It's not what it sounds like, I swear."
Kibum rolls his eyes. "So you'd kiss half the world because they looked sad? What is wrong with you?" He pauses for a while. "I mean, I know you love skinship, but really, Jjong, this is ridiculous."
"I wouldn't kiss strangers," Jonghyun points out. He clings onto Kibum's arm. "It was a pure, innocent kiss. No tongue or anything."
Kibum wrinkles his nose. "Too much information," he says, but he doesn't move to peel Jonghyun's fingers off.
Then Jonghyun remembers something, and he grins. "Don't you dare to deny this," he warns. "Remember that radio recording during our early debut days, that one where we were supposed to leave messages for our family? And Taemin cried, right? And you kissed him."
Kibum makes a noise that sounds like an enraged squawk. "That was a maternal thing," he says, affronted. "I was trying to make him feel like he was with family, you idiot!"
"Yeah, well, it was the same thing with Jinki-hyung," Jonghyun says, as if it's the most obvious thing in the world. He smiles, and Kibum pulls a face. Jonghyun sticks his tongue back out.
"Fine," Kibum says, leaning his head on Jonghyun's shoulder. "I forgive you."
Jonghyun presses his chin on top of Kibum's hair. "Forgive me for what?" He asks teasingly. "It's not like I was cheating on you or anything."
Kibum wraps his arms around Jonghyun's waist, warm and familiar. "You totally were," Kibum mumbles. "I mean, hey, what would I do if you and Jinki-hyung were a couple, and I was just this awkward third wheel living in the same apartment as you two?"
Jonghyun laughs. "I love you," he says, and Kibum just tightens his grip in response.
-
"Um," Jinki says, clearly uncomfortable to be alone with Jonghyun after The Kiss Incident. "You wanted to to talk to me? Yes. I'm uh, here."
"Hyung," Jonghyun says, reaching out to poke his ribs. Jinki flinches. "I didn't mean anything, really."
Jinki gives him a look. "Really," he says dryly. "So you go around kissing people when you don't mean anything?"
"You sound like Kibum," Jonghyun comments, then shakes his head. "I go around kissing people I care for, okay." Jinki's eyes widen, and Jonghyun coughs, waving his hands around hastily. "Not in that way, you idiot. In a - a family way. You're like my brother."
Jinki clears his throat. "Do brothers kiss each other?" He asks, but his lips are twitching into the beginnings of a smile.
"I don't know, I'm pretty sure Taemin told me Taesun kissed him that one time," Jonghyun says. "Anyway, didn't Jaejoong-hyung say he kissed Changmin-hyung before?"
"Mmm, yeah, I think so," Jinki says, clearly relieved now that the awkwardness has dissolved between them. "But it was. Weird."
Jonghyun places a hand on his heart. "You mean I'm not a good kisser?" He asks, trying to sound hurt.
Jinki just flings the kitchen towel at him.
-
It's Minho's birthday today. Jonghyun feels it the moment he wakes up, the air hanging over him like a raincloud, ready to explode and pelt him with drops of heartbreak and resentment and longing.
"What day is it today," Kibum says when he sits up, the blankets falling around him like snow. He brushes his hair out of his eyes roughly.
Jonghyun gives him a look. "Monday," he says.
"You're such a jerk," Kibum says. He crawls over to poke Jinki. "Hey, wake up."
Jinki makes a mumbled noise and rolls away from Kibum, clearly annoyed. Apparently Jinki's greed for sleeping hasn't changed, not even now when they get more hours of sleep, not having to crawl into bed at four in the morning and get up three hours after that.
Jonghyun goes over to draw open the curtains, and Kibum yanks the blankets off Jinki, who just grabs his pillow and puts it over his head in a desperate attempt to block the winter sunlight. "Wake up," Kibum orders, tugging at Jinki's arm, and Jinki just swats Kibum away.
"Hyung," Jonghyun says. "It's Minho's birthday today."
Jinki and Kibum both freeze at the same time. Kibum exhales loudly, sliding away from Jinki. "If you want to continue sleeping, then whatever," he says.
Jinki sits up, not bothering to tidy up his bed-head. "Fine," he says, making a face, and Kibum smiles just the slightest.
Jinki is manhandled into the bathroom, and then prodded to the sink. Kibum personally squeezes the toothpaste for Jinki and places the toothbrush into Jinki's hands, curling his fingers around it. "Brush," Kibum says, then sticks the toothbrush into Jinki's mouth forcefully.
Breakfast is a slightly sombre event, with them eating in silence. Jonghyun reaches for the remote and turns on the television, switching channels until it's a harmless cooking show. "It's the last piece of ham," Kibum says, turning to Jinki.
"I don't want it," Jinki says. Jonghyun blinks in mild surprise, and Kibum looks as if he's about to say something, but then the adverts come on and they all stop moving at the brightness of Minho's smile, a commercial for a beauty product. Jonghyun sort of remembers this one, remembers Minho mentioning it when he was in the middle of filming for it.
Kibum's mouth is a tight slash against his face. "I'm done," he says, then takes his plate and heads off into the kitchen. Jinki just continues staring morosely at the last piece of ham, untouched.
Later on, Jonghyun finds himself pulling out his phone. He types in the numbers with shaky fingers - he doesn't want to look for Minho's name in his contacts list, doesn't want to remember laughing at how Minho had put hearts and darlings in front of all their names in his phone back then, doesn't want to wonder if they are still there.
Minho picks up on the fifth ring, just when Jonghyun is about to give up. "Hello?" He says, and at the sound of his voice, Jonghyun nearly buckles.
"Minho," Jonghyun says. "It's me. Jonghyun."
"I know."
"Um," Jonghyun says, clearing his throat. "I just wanted to say, you know, happy birthday."
There is a pause. "Thank you," Minho says. "I have to go now, sorry."
"Minho," Jonghyun says quickly, before the last vestiges of his courage dissipate. "Do you - do you want to meet up some time? When you're free?"
"Maybe," Minho says, distant, and when he hangs up, Jonghyun shuts his eyes and wonders if things could have gone another way.
-
They go on a trip to the amusement park. "Remember every time we were filming we weren't allowed to mention it by name," Jinki muses, finger-combing a few strands of his hair blown astray by the wind.
"Lotte World," Kibum sing-songs, his smile wide beneath his dark shades.
Jonghyun throws the cloudy sky a furtive look, and Kibum tips his head upwards to follow Jonghyun's line of sight. "Oh, don't be such a worrywart," Kibum says. "It's going to be okay."
Even Jinki is looking unsure now. "Maybe we should go," he says nervously. "It looks like it's going to be a storm."
Kibum waves their discomforts aside. "It's not like there isn't shelter inside," he says. "Besides, we came all the way here, I'm not going back home again."
As it turns out, it pours when they're on the viking. They clamber out of the ride dripping wet, and Jonghyun mouths I told you so to Kibum, who just scowls and attempts to squeeze the water out of his shirt.
"We could sit the log ride," Jinki suggests as they take cover under the umbrella of a hot dog stand. The owner gives them a dirty look, but his expression shifts to one of suspicion when Kibum tugs off his sunglasses to wipe them on his jeans. "The one where it splashes into the water? We'd get wet anyway."
"Maybe we should go to the haunted house," Jonghyun says. "At least it's sheltered."
"I think we should get lunch," Kibum says decisively. Jinki's stomach growls, and Jonghyun laughs.
They are queuing for a ride when there is a commotion nearby, a crowd gathering. When Jonghyun hears high-pitched screams, he snaps to attention instinctively.
"It's a filming crew," Kibum says, matter-of-fact.
Jonghyun gives him a look. "Still so attuned to the camera, I see," he teases.
Jinki is tip-toeing, straining to see who it is. "They're heading this way," he reports.
Then someone in the queue behind them asks who it is, and another person replies with I think it's Lee Taemin, you know, that guy who used to be in SHINee before they disbanded, and there is a sickening twisting sensation in the pit of Jonghyun's stomach, and judging from the looks on Jinki and Kibum's faces, Jonghyun knows they've heard it as well.
Kibum is paler than usual. "Maybe we should leave," he says, pressing his shades against the bridge of his nose as if he's hoping that it will sink in so deep there will be a permanent mark forever.
They nearly make it. But nearly is not enough, and Jonghyun watches in slow-motion as identical looks of horror blossom on the entire production crew's faces. Taemin is calm, broadcast-perfect smile still on his face, but something stirs in his eyes.
Yes, Jonghyun has missed Taemin, but this is not the way Jonghyun planned for them to meet.
"Cut," says the PD, gaze never leaving the three of them. The crowd is whispering, pulling out phones and cameras to snap photos of this epic turn of events - the ex-members of SHINee meeting each other again.
Jonghyun turns his head towards the other two. Kibum is trembling a little, and Jinki looks like he's about to throw up. And then as if he is drawn by some kind of invisible thread, or a magnetic pull, Kibum takes a step forward before either Jonghyun and Jinki can stop him.
"Taemin," Kibum says. It comes out low and hoarse, scratching at Jonghyun's heart
The smile dulls a little on Taemin's face before dissolving completely, and Jonghyun clenches his fists with hope and apprehension and preparation for the disappointing fall. Hyung, he sees Taemin's lips form, but no sound comes out, and it's like they're backstage before their debut performance again, the air around them zinging with electricity, and Taemin's eyes wide and open and star-like.
For the first time, Jonghyun believes that it is possible to rewind time. He feels like he's seventeen all over again, skittish and nervous, eager to take the world by storm one step at a time.
Then the PD says action, and Taemin turns back to the cameras as if nothing has happened, and the moment is gone, lost in time-space forever.
Jinki is the first to react, wrapping an arm around Kibum's shoulder and murmuring something into his ear that Jonghyun cannot hear. "Let's go," Jinki says, using his free hand to tug at Jonghyun's wrist.
They walk away together, the crowd parting for them like the red sea. Jonghyun turns back one last time, just in time to catch Taemin looking at him, and their gazes clash.
I miss you, Jonghyun mouths, and watches Taemin's face crumple a little.
-
They order in for dinner, curling up on the couch together with fried chicken in their hands. The phone rings close to midnight, and Jinki reaches for it almost lazily. "Hello?"
Jonghyun has his eyes closed, head tucked into the crook of Kibum's neck. They are watching some boring late-night movie for the sake of staying awake, because Kibum says that every time he closes his eyes he sees Taemin. Jonghyun thinks he understands.
"Taemin," Jinki says, and Jonghyun jerks upright, eyes flashing open to stare as Jinki grips the phone tighter.
"Did he just say Taemin," Kibum wants to know, and Jonghyun cannot do or say anything except nod and lean forward expectantly. "God, Jinki-hyung, there's something called speaker phone, you know."
As it turns out, Jinki has no idea how to put their house phone on speaker ("I'm not the one who bought the phone!" He cries, and Kibum mutters something under his breath about excuses), and there is quite a bit of a commotion as they argue over which is the correct button to press ("No, no, you better not accidentally hang up, what if Taeminnie never calls back again!").
"What's going on?" Taemin asks, voice ringing out from the speakers. Jonghyun rocks backwards, sinking into the couch with a sigh of relief and a triumphant peace-sign. Kibum casts him a glare.
"Nothing much, just your Jonghyun-hyung being an idiot," Kibum says airily. "And Jinki-hyung is still ridiculous."
"Well," Jonghyun cuts in. "Your Kibum-hyung is still egoistical."
Taemin and Jinki laugh at the same time, and Kibum struggles with his grimace until he gives up and lets the corners of his mouth tilt back upwards into a grin.
"How's it going, superstar," Kibum says, his tone teasing, but they all know that he's worried about Taemin - despite how he used to play it up for the cameras, Kibum has always been ridiculously obsessed about Taemin's health, Taemin's safety, Taemin's happiness, Taemin Taemin Taemin. Jonghyun remembers being sulky about it once, a long time ago, until Kibum figured the problem out and pressed close to Jonghyun, fingers fanning across the inside of Jonghyun's arm, saying you'll always be my best friend, you idiot, why are you jealous?
"Fine, I guess," Taemin says. "Except I don't really know what management wants to do with me. Minho-hyung's probably going to focus on acting, but you know me, I want to dance."
Jinki leans in closer to the speakers. "Then dance," he tells Taemin.
Taemin half-laughs, but there's a twinge of sadness buried in the depths of it. "My singing isn't good enough for me to have a solo career," he says quietly.
Jonghyun feels his chest compress into itself, feels a burst of fresh guilt and regret bloom inside his heart - if they hadn't left, if they hadn't ruined it all, Taemin would still have been able to do what he loved the most. With the three best vocals of the group gone, there is no way the company would allow Minho and Taemin to continue on together. And like Taemin said, he can't have a solo career. Jonghyun wonders if this is what it feels like to tear someone's dreams apart, to take away his wings and let him crash and burn on the ground.
"Taemin," Kibum says. His voice shatters the tense, knowing silence and startles Jonghyun. "Taemin-ah."
The silence stretches on through phone cords and power lines, a thousand roads and traffic lights and street-lamps to reach Taemin, who is somewhere they cannot reach anymore. No, Jonghyun thinks, this is what it feels like to watch someone die right in front of you without being able to do a thing.
Because the lone memory of how it felt like to start to dislike singing, to push away the one thing you've loved since the beginning of your memories, makes Jonghyun want to throw up, and he knows that this is how Taemin feels, that this is killing Taemin, and Jonghyun has no idea how to save him.
There is a choked sob, which is followed by a beep, and then Taemin is gone.
-
Jonghyun wakes up to see Kibum in front of the computer, face stained bright red and blue from the colors on screen. He squints at the photographs Kibum is scrolling past. "What are you doing?"
Kibum turns. "Oh," he says. "You're awake."
Jonghyun rubs his eyes. His entire face feels swollen, and his eyes are probably puffy - he always ends up like this after crying himself to sleep. "You're not answering the question," Jonghyun points out.
"We should go on a holiday," Kibum says cheerily. It's kind of scary, considering how all three of them had been at their lowest last night, but then again, Kibum has always had the strangest mood-swings. "How does the beach sound?"
"Nice, I guess," Jonghyun says. He glances over at Jinki, who is still dead to the world, arms and legs splayed out in a strange position. "Why so sudden?"
Kibum shrugs, spinning his chair around to face Jonghyun. "I just felt like getting away," he says, a little quieter, a little less bright, and Jonghyun understands. He grew up in Seoul, and he's used to the speed and noise of the city, but there are times he wants to escape from it all and just while his life away. Especially at a time like this, with his heart full and heavy from unspoken regrets and vanishing chances
"What beach are we going to?"
Kibum taps his chin. "I was thinking Busan," he says. "I don't know. Any ideas?"
Jonghyun stretches, the covers falling off his shoulders to pool on his lap. "How about New Zealand?" He says teasingly.
The corners of Kibum's mouth twitch upwards a little. "I think I prefer Old Zealand, thanks," he says dryly, so familiar that Jonghyun's heart tilts a little in his chest, and he laughs.
"You're up to something, aren't you," Jonghyun says. There's a spark in Kibum's eyes, fueled by raw determination and excitement and hope, and it's been a long time since he's seen Kibum like this.
Kibum shrugs again, his smile widening. "You'll find out in the end, anyway," he says.
"Not if you don't tell me," Jonghyun retorts.
"You always find out even before I tell you," Kibum says, and they both know it's the truth. He mock-glares at Jonghyun, but his smile is still there, hovering at his lips.
"That's because I'm your best friend," Jonghyun says. "What would happen to you if I'm not there to stop you from embarking on your evil plans to take over the world?"
Kibum snorts. "You're a spoilsport, that's what you are," he tells Jonghyun, but his grin is brighter than ever.
-
A week later, Kibum drags them out of bed at five in the morning. Jonghyun is grumpy and Jinki is grumpier, and Kibum's sugary smile isn't really helping with Jonghyun's mood since he just feels like punching it of
"Come on," Kibum urges, pushing Jinki into the bathroom. Jonghyun takes the chance to shuffle back into the bedroom and collapse onto the bed, but is soon tugged off by Kibum
"My ass," Jonghyun complains, sitting on the floor. He pulls his blankets off, wrapping them around himself and curling up against the bed.
Kibum is standing over him with his arms crossed. "If you don't get up right now, it's going to hurt a lot more," he warns.
Fuck you, Jonghyun mouths, but he's too much of a coward to say it loud because as cheerful as Kibum looks, he's still a bitch in the morning.
"Saw that," Kibum sings, bending down to curl his fingers around Jonghyun's bicep. "Fuck you too. Now get a move on."
Jinki stumbles into the room still bleary-eyed, with a smudge of toothpaste on his chin and his hair in a mess. Jonghyun moves into the bathroom, grumbling as Kibum sighs and says, "Jinki-hyung, what are we going to do with you?"
They take an hour to get ready, mostly because Jonghyun and Jinki keep taking turns to go back to sleep whenever Kibum is too busy prodding the other one to bathe or change or eat breakfast, but finally they're ready to go.
"Wait," Jonghyun says. Kibum is lugging a gigantic duffel bag, and Jonghyun eyes it suspiciously. "Where are we going?"
"Neverland," says Kibum, and Jonghyun rolls his eyes. "I've packed everything for you, so you don't have to worry," Kibum explains cheerily. "Come on, we'll be late."
Jonghyun raises an eyebrow. "You said you'd tell me if I didn't manage to guess it," he says. "I have no idea where we're going, so out with it. Now."
Kibum pulls a face at him. "No," he says. "I said you'd probably figure it out, but I never said I would tell you if you didn't manage to guess it." He narrows his eyes. "When did you become so thick, anyway?"
"You're calling me thick?" Jonghyun asks, pressing a hand against his heart in mock-despair. "What a wonderful best friend, Kibum, what a wonderful best friend you are."
Kibum ignores him, turning to Jinki instead, who is leaning against the wall with his eyes closed. "Yah, wake up," he says, smacking Jinki's arm, who startles and drops all the stuff he'd been clutching. "Our train's leaving in an hour, and we still have to flag a cab to get to the station."
The lift dings, its doors sliding open, and Jonghyun glances up from where he's been squatting down on the ground attempting to help Jinki gather back his things. "We're getting out of Seoul?"
"You'll see," Kibum says innocently, then whirls around and disappears into the lift. "Be downstairs in one minute, or else." He waggles his fingers in goodbye, and the doors close.
Jinki stands up, arms filled with the lunch boxes Kibum had instructed him to hold. "He's such a drama queen in the morning," he says.
"I wonder what he'd do if we don't go down until five minutes later," Jonghyun comments. Jinki throws him an exasperated look as Jonghyun's phone vibrates. He looks down to see Kibum's text message: don't even think about it.
Jonghyun laughs, handing the phone over to Jinki. "Busted," he says.
"Neverland, here we come," Jinki says, shrugging as he walks over to press the lift button.
-
Neverland turns out to be Busan, Korea.
"I knew it," Jonghyun says triumphantly. "See, you can never hide things from me."
Kibum rolls his eyes. "That's just because I told you," he says. He pulls out his phone, checking the time. "Late, late, late," he mutters to himself.
"Who's late?" Jinki wants to know. "And where are we going to? How long are we staying here?"
Kibum slides his phone back into his pocket, turning to Jinki with a grin. "It's a surprise," he says. He points towards a bench. "Let's just sit there and wait."
Jonghyun shrugs and makes his way over, Kibum humming a familiar song as he keeps in step with him. Jonghyun gives him a sideways glance. "I wrote that," he says.
"You did," Kibum says agreeably, smiling.
"I wrote that for us," Jonghyun corrects. They'd planned for the song to be part of the tracklist for the album to be released on their fifth anniversary, which needless to say, had never happened. "Hang on," Jonghyun says slowly. "What's the date today?"
Kibum's grin widens, and he opens his mouth just as Jonghyun hears Jinki's voice ringing out in the heat of the afternoon sun. "Taemin. Oh my God, Minho -"
Jonghyun whirls his head around, half-afraid that there will be nothing there and Jinki is just seeing things, but Taemin and Minho are standing there, larger than life with their oversized sunglasses and candy-colored caps. Taemin is wearing a half-smile, and Minho looks like he'd been dragged here unwillingly, but they are there, close enough to touch, and that's all that matters.
"You planned this," Jonghyun accuses, but Kibum is already walking towards the two. Jonghyun trails behind, watching as Kibum reaches forward to put a hand on Minho's shoulder
"Hello," Kibum says.
Minho is silent, staring back into Kibum's eyes as if he hasn't quite decided on what to think or feel. Jonghyun coughs. "Well," he says brightly. "Isn't this awkward."
Something softens in Minho's eyes, and the corners of his lips start to curve upwards. Then Taemin's grin is splitting his face as he leaps on Kibum, and Jonghyun's tears are blinding his vision, and Minho is half-laughing as he says why in the world are you crying, hyung, and Jinki is speaking so fast his words are car-crashing together, but it's okay because the five of them are together again, and as cheesy as it sounds, together, they can do anything.
-
They have a barbecue party on the beach, outside the small villa Kibum has rented for the night. Jinki is singing a song about meat, Taemin trying to coordinate dance moves and waving the tongs about in the air.
Jonghyun is in the kitchen, kneeling in front of the refrigerator and struggling to fit the tenth canned drink in the circle of his arms. There's a shadow and light press of skin against skin as Minho leans over to take the remaining drinks.
"Thanks," Jonghyun says, straightening up and nudging the door closed with his knee. Minho smiles, shrugging, and it's almost as if the past year or so has been wiped clean, as if they are back to being eighteen and nineteen without the harsh press of the world on their shoulders.
They walk out together, Kibum swooping over to pluck some drinks out of Jonghyun's arms and setting them on the table. "Is the food ready or not?" He calls out in Jinki's direction.
"Almost!" Taemin chirps, stopping his dancing and turning back to help Jinki grill the meat. Kibum shakes his head and sighs, but there's a smile glittering on his face.
Jonghyun sits down, popping open a can of coke. "No beer?" He asks Kibum, raising an eyebrow.
"Taemin -" Kibum begins.
"Isn't underage anymore," Minho reminds
Kibum makes a face, sinking down on the bench next to Jonghyun. "But still." He throws Jonghyun a help me out here look, something he always does when he is utterly humiliated during an argument with Minho.
Jonghyun hides a smile. What do you want me to do?
I don't know, Kibum glares, change the topic or something. Anything.
"Taemin isn't underage anymore," Jonghyun repeats, and Minho's gaze swipes away from Kibum and onto Jonghyun. "God, that sounds so weird."
Taemin darts over, planting a plastic plate of grilled meat in front of them. "What are you guys talking about?" He asks. "I heard my name."
Minho shakes his head, half-laughing as he reaches over to snag a piece of meat. "Ask Kibum."
"Hyung," Taemin whines, widening his eyes and curling his arms around Kibum's neck.
Kibum winces, peeling Taemin off and curling his fingers around Taemin's wrists, human handcuffs that are far warmer and kinder than metal biting into soft skin. "Just eat."
Jinki drifts over as well, wiping the sweat on his forehead. "Can I eat too?"
"No," Kibum answers, tugging the plate out of his reach. "Go and grill more meat, there's not enough."
Jinki looks positively heartbroken, and Jonghyun watches as Minho gets up. "You eat, hyung," he says generously. "I'll take over."
Jinki's face splits into a grin as he happily takes the seat Minho has vacated. "Thanks, Minho-yah," he calls, and Minho smiles back as he heads for the grill.
"You're a terrible hyung," Kibum informs him.
Jinki pointedly ignores him, stuffing a large chunk of meat into his mouth. Kibum tuts in response, and Jonghyun nudges him in the side. "What's up with you?"
Kibum mutters something under his breath that Jonghyun doesn't bother to attempt to decipher. Taemin casts him a worried glance, and Jonghyun's gaze trails after Minho, a solitary figure by the grill.
It's almost strange how these two have miraculously transformed back to their old selves again, and Jonghyun wonders if it's because of their departure. Jonghyun wonders if it was just a phase, if things would have gone back to normal as long as he and Kibum and Jinki had just held on for a few more months or years. Jonghyun wonders if maybe, just maybe, they'd ruined everything by not being strong enough.
"Now what's up with you?" Kibum is asking, and Jonghyun blinks and glances up.
"Nothing," Jonghyun says, and shrugs. Kibum doesn't look convinced though, so Jonghyun shoots him a look that says don't press it, not in front of Taemin, and Kibum nods in answer.
Taemin looks uncertain, glancing back and forth between them. "Hyung?"
"It's nothing, Taemin-ah," Jonghyun reassures him.
"Minho," Kibum calls, successfully distracting Taemin. "You look like you could use some help."
Minho shoots him a glare. "I'm fine," he bites back, desperately trying to flip over all the meat Jinki's placed onto the grill. "Really though, hyung, why in the world did you put so many pieces at the same time?"
"Just admit that you can't manage it by yourself," Kibum taunts, and Jonghyun can practically see the fire blazing in Minho's eyes as he rises up to the bait.
"I'll help you, hyung," Taemin offers, and Minho hastily shakes his head, insisting that he's perfectly fine. And then the smell of charred meat drifts over, making Jonghyun wrinkle his nose as Kibum screeches something along the lines of I told you so, grin disappearing now that they are faced with the impending doom of food shortage.
Jinki looks like he's about to collapse from either horror or hunger, and Jonghyun just laughs because really, at this point, what else is there to do?
-
Jonghyun and Minho get sent to the nearest convenience store to get snacks. Jonghyun rolls his eyes and grumbles, but takes one look at Kibum's glare, Taemin's pitiful look and Jinki picking at the leftover bones in hopes of getting some meat off them and softens. "Come back soon!" Kibum calls after them, a Cheshire cat grin swiping across his face, and Jonghyun resists the urge to turn around and give him the finger.
It's a little awkward, with the two of them walking beside each other in the quiet of the night, unsure of what to do or say to break the uncomfortable silence. Jonghyun glances at Minho through the curtain of his fringe, then quickly stares back at his feet when he realizes Minho's been looking at him as well.
"So, um," Jonghyun says, thinking that since he's the older one he ought to take the first step in initiating a conversation. "How's life?"
Minho shrugs, hands tucked into his jeans pockets. "Not as busy as I expected," he says, and Jonghyun blinks because he thinks he might have heard wrongly.
"Why not?"
Minho freezes in his tracks, and Jonghyun slows down to a stop as well, confused. "Minho?"
"Hyung," Minho says, and it's almost a sigh. The way Minho's regarding him, with that slow burn of resignation and knowledge buried in his wide eyes makes Jonghyun feel a little sick, and now he's not so hungry anymore, his stomach churning instead of rumbling. "You can't honestly think we're still popular."
Jonghyun swallows. "I thought -"
"That we'd last forever?" Minho says dryly. "Really, hyung, even if you and Kibum-hyung and Jinki-hyung had stayed, we'd probably have disbanded in a year or so anyway."
"But you were angry," Jonghyun says, feeling oddly cheated. "You didn't want to talk to me."
Minho laughs a little. "I guess I was a little, at the start, but after a while I straightened my thoughts out and well, I can't blame you for wanting to leave." He smiles, reaches out to place a warm hand on Jonghyun's shoulder. The touch burns through the fabric of Jonghyun's shirt and straight into his heart, curling at the bottom comfortingly. "And I'm sorry."
Jonghyun feels like he's going to cry. "I was scared," he admits, staring up at Minho. "You and Taemin were acting so weird, and I just..."
"Gave up?" Minho teases, and Jonghyun just smacks him in reply.
-
They spend the train ride together playing ridiculous games just like they had back when they'd first started traveling together, and it's almost like Jonghyun's gone back in time again except he's a lot less stressed, a lot more carefree, and he doesn't think he regrets leaving after all.
"I kind of want to take this train forever," Jinki comments, and they all laugh at him for being cheesy and ridiculous but Jonghyun thinks that he understands.
When they get off at Seoul Station, Jonghyun feels an odd sense of loss as the three of them stand there watching Taemin and Minho disappear into the distance together, but then his phone vibrates and he flips it open to see a text message from Taemin.
"We'll call you soon! Don't miss us too much!" Kibum reads, peering over Jonghyun's shoulder, and he says it in such a good imitation of Taemin's voice that Jonghyun and Jinki start laughing.
Jonghyun sings in the bus ride back, and Kibum looks like he's about to tell him to shut up, but there's something about the look on Jonghyun's face that makes him smile and lean his head on Jonghyun's shoulder instead. "Thank God there isn't anybody else here," he mutters, but his eyes are still crinkled up.
Jinki joins in after a moment, the two of them singing so loud the bus driver actually turns to throw them a weird look, and Jonghyun thinks that maybe life isn't so bad after all, with things the way they are right now.
A/N: Happy ending! I'd originally written a not-so-happy one because this one seemed a bit too sudden and implausible (i.e. I'm still not really pleased with it ;_____;), but I ended up with this one instead because let's just say we all need a bit of happiness in fandom lately :')
<<
gen, onjongkey friendship
13,350 words
If anything, recognizing the signs of their slow slide to falling apart had made it worse.
Jinki breaks a plate. Plain and simple. It's something they've all done before, especially Jinki, but Kibum just... snaps. Jonghyun doesn't really blame him, since he knows Kibum has been keeping his feelings in for a long time, so he just lets Kibum storm out of the house, all billowing clothes and flyaway hair, a hurricane of pent-up anger.
Jinki is a curled-up ball on the couch. "Hey," Jonghyun says quietly, settling into the spot beside Jinki. "It's going to be okay."
Jinki turns towards him, Jonghyun's words sparking a fuel of hope in his eyes. "Really?" He wants to know, and Jonghyun can hear the underlying current of relief, desperation and hope in his voice.
"Really," Jonghyun promises. "He'll be back."
Jinki sags against the couch, pressing a hand to his face. "I didn't mean to do it," he says morosely into his palm, and Jonghyun pats his elbow reassuringly.
"I know," Jonghyun says. "I'll get you a glass of water."
When he comes back, Jinki is hugging the cushion to his chest. It's covered with prints of animals in the zoo, something Kibum had unexpectedly picked out. Jonghyun has a feeling it was specially for Jinki, whose face had lit up when Kibum had handed it to him.
Jonghyun hands the glass to Jinki, who accepts it with a grateful smile. Jonghyun sits back down again as Jinki gulps half the glass in one shot, then clutches it in his hands, his smile flipping upside down again. "Hey," Jonghyun says, nudging Jinki's side. "Stop looking so glum."
Jinki shrugs, and there's a flash of bitterness in his eyes that drips all the way down to his face, tugging the corners of his lips downwards. It makes Jonghyun's heart clench a little in his chest, and Jonghyun leans forward, desperate enough to do anything, just as long as it makes that look go away from Jinki's face.
"Jonghyun," Jinki says, looking slightly startled at the lack of distance between the two of them. Jonghyun presses close and fits his lips against Jinki's, lightly, barely there.
And then the door is flung open and Kibum is standing there wearing a stunned look and Jinki pushes Jonghyun away and drops his glass on the ground in the process and Jonghyun looks from the shattered shards on the carpet to Jinki's uncomfortable expression to Kibum's face that is drawn tight from hurt and shock.
"Kibum," Jonghyun and Jinki say at the same time, but he turns and flees into the room.
-
"Look," Jonghyun says. He runs a hand through his hair, unsure of how to explain this awful mess. "It was just. God, I don't know what to say."
"That you've been secretly in love with Jinki-hyung these past few years? That you've been dating him behind my back?" Kibum says, voice muffled by the pillow his face is pressed into. "Go on, just spit it out."
Jonghyun sighs. "No," he snaps. "It's not like that."
Kibum is frustratingly silent, and Jonghyun stalks over to him and pulls him up by the collar of his shirt. "Would you stop burying your face into your pillow?" Jonghyun says. "I'm trying to talk here, you know."
Kibum lifts his head up grudgingly. "Yeah, well, I'm listening."
"He just looked so sad, you know," Jonghyun says. He sits down beside Kibum on the bed, and for some reason, his hands are twisting on his lap of their own accord. "It was pure instinct, I have no idea why."
"So you go around kissing people just because they look sad?" Kibum asks, incredulous.
"Well, yeah," Jonghyun says defensively. "It's not what it sounds like, I swear."
Kibum rolls his eyes. "So you'd kiss half the world because they looked sad? What is wrong with you?" He pauses for a while. "I mean, I know you love skinship, but really, Jjong, this is ridiculous."
"I wouldn't kiss strangers," Jonghyun points out. He clings onto Kibum's arm. "It was a pure, innocent kiss. No tongue or anything."
Kibum wrinkles his nose. "Too much information," he says, but he doesn't move to peel Jonghyun's fingers off.
Then Jonghyun remembers something, and he grins. "Don't you dare to deny this," he warns. "Remember that radio recording during our early debut days, that one where we were supposed to leave messages for our family? And Taemin cried, right? And you kissed him."
Kibum makes a noise that sounds like an enraged squawk. "That was a maternal thing," he says, affronted. "I was trying to make him feel like he was with family, you idiot!"
"Yeah, well, it was the same thing with Jinki-hyung," Jonghyun says, as if it's the most obvious thing in the world. He smiles, and Kibum pulls a face. Jonghyun sticks his tongue back out.
"Fine," Kibum says, leaning his head on Jonghyun's shoulder. "I forgive you."
Jonghyun presses his chin on top of Kibum's hair. "Forgive me for what?" He asks teasingly. "It's not like I was cheating on you or anything."
Kibum wraps his arms around Jonghyun's waist, warm and familiar. "You totally were," Kibum mumbles. "I mean, hey, what would I do if you and Jinki-hyung were a couple, and I was just this awkward third wheel living in the same apartment as you two?"
Jonghyun laughs. "I love you," he says, and Kibum just tightens his grip in response.
-
"Um," Jinki says, clearly uncomfortable to be alone with Jonghyun after The Kiss Incident. "You wanted to to talk to me? Yes. I'm uh, here."
"Hyung," Jonghyun says, reaching out to poke his ribs. Jinki flinches. "I didn't mean anything, really."
Jinki gives him a look. "Really," he says dryly. "So you go around kissing people when you don't mean anything?"
"You sound like Kibum," Jonghyun comments, then shakes his head. "I go around kissing people I care for, okay." Jinki's eyes widen, and Jonghyun coughs, waving his hands around hastily. "Not in that way, you idiot. In a - a family way. You're like my brother."
Jinki clears his throat. "Do brothers kiss each other?" He asks, but his lips are twitching into the beginnings of a smile.
"I don't know, I'm pretty sure Taemin told me Taesun kissed him that one time," Jonghyun says. "Anyway, didn't Jaejoong-hyung say he kissed Changmin-hyung before?"
"Mmm, yeah, I think so," Jinki says, clearly relieved now that the awkwardness has dissolved between them. "But it was. Weird."
Jonghyun places a hand on his heart. "You mean I'm not a good kisser?" He asks, trying to sound hurt.
Jinki just flings the kitchen towel at him.
-
It's Minho's birthday today. Jonghyun feels it the moment he wakes up, the air hanging over him like a raincloud, ready to explode and pelt him with drops of heartbreak and resentment and longing.
"What day is it today," Kibum says when he sits up, the blankets falling around him like snow. He brushes his hair out of his eyes roughly.
Jonghyun gives him a look. "Monday," he says.
"You're such a jerk," Kibum says. He crawls over to poke Jinki. "Hey, wake up."
Jinki makes a mumbled noise and rolls away from Kibum, clearly annoyed. Apparently Jinki's greed for sleeping hasn't changed, not even now when they get more hours of sleep, not having to crawl into bed at four in the morning and get up three hours after that.
Jonghyun goes over to draw open the curtains, and Kibum yanks the blankets off Jinki, who just grabs his pillow and puts it over his head in a desperate attempt to block the winter sunlight. "Wake up," Kibum orders, tugging at Jinki's arm, and Jinki just swats Kibum away.
"Hyung," Jonghyun says. "It's Minho's birthday today."
Jinki and Kibum both freeze at the same time. Kibum exhales loudly, sliding away from Jinki. "If you want to continue sleeping, then whatever," he says.
Jinki sits up, not bothering to tidy up his bed-head. "Fine," he says, making a face, and Kibum smiles just the slightest.
Jinki is manhandled into the bathroom, and then prodded to the sink. Kibum personally squeezes the toothpaste for Jinki and places the toothbrush into Jinki's hands, curling his fingers around it. "Brush," Kibum says, then sticks the toothbrush into Jinki's mouth forcefully.
Breakfast is a slightly sombre event, with them eating in silence. Jonghyun reaches for the remote and turns on the television, switching channels until it's a harmless cooking show. "It's the last piece of ham," Kibum says, turning to Jinki.
"I don't want it," Jinki says. Jonghyun blinks in mild surprise, and Kibum looks as if he's about to say something, but then the adverts come on and they all stop moving at the brightness of Minho's smile, a commercial for a beauty product. Jonghyun sort of remembers this one, remembers Minho mentioning it when he was in the middle of filming for it.
Kibum's mouth is a tight slash against his face. "I'm done," he says, then takes his plate and heads off into the kitchen. Jinki just continues staring morosely at the last piece of ham, untouched.
Later on, Jonghyun finds himself pulling out his phone. He types in the numbers with shaky fingers - he doesn't want to look for Minho's name in his contacts list, doesn't want to remember laughing at how Minho had put hearts and darlings in front of all their names in his phone back then, doesn't want to wonder if they are still there.
Minho picks up on the fifth ring, just when Jonghyun is about to give up. "Hello?" He says, and at the sound of his voice, Jonghyun nearly buckles.
"Minho," Jonghyun says. "It's me. Jonghyun."
"I know."
"Um," Jonghyun says, clearing his throat. "I just wanted to say, you know, happy birthday."
There is a pause. "Thank you," Minho says. "I have to go now, sorry."
"Minho," Jonghyun says quickly, before the last vestiges of his courage dissipate. "Do you - do you want to meet up some time? When you're free?"
"Maybe," Minho says, distant, and when he hangs up, Jonghyun shuts his eyes and wonders if things could have gone another way.
-
They go on a trip to the amusement park. "Remember every time we were filming we weren't allowed to mention it by name," Jinki muses, finger-combing a few strands of his hair blown astray by the wind.
"Lotte World," Kibum sing-songs, his smile wide beneath his dark shades.
Jonghyun throws the cloudy sky a furtive look, and Kibum tips his head upwards to follow Jonghyun's line of sight. "Oh, don't be such a worrywart," Kibum says. "It's going to be okay."
Even Jinki is looking unsure now. "Maybe we should go," he says nervously. "It looks like it's going to be a storm."
Kibum waves their discomforts aside. "It's not like there isn't shelter inside," he says. "Besides, we came all the way here, I'm not going back home again."
As it turns out, it pours when they're on the viking. They clamber out of the ride dripping wet, and Jonghyun mouths I told you so to Kibum, who just scowls and attempts to squeeze the water out of his shirt.
"We could sit the log ride," Jinki suggests as they take cover under the umbrella of a hot dog stand. The owner gives them a dirty look, but his expression shifts to one of suspicion when Kibum tugs off his sunglasses to wipe them on his jeans. "The one where it splashes into the water? We'd get wet anyway."
"Maybe we should go to the haunted house," Jonghyun says. "At least it's sheltered."
"I think we should get lunch," Kibum says decisively. Jinki's stomach growls, and Jonghyun laughs.
They are queuing for a ride when there is a commotion nearby, a crowd gathering. When Jonghyun hears high-pitched screams, he snaps to attention instinctively.
"It's a filming crew," Kibum says, matter-of-fact.
Jonghyun gives him a look. "Still so attuned to the camera, I see," he teases.
Jinki is tip-toeing, straining to see who it is. "They're heading this way," he reports.
Then someone in the queue behind them asks who it is, and another person replies with I think it's Lee Taemin, you know, that guy who used to be in SHINee before they disbanded, and there is a sickening twisting sensation in the pit of Jonghyun's stomach, and judging from the looks on Jinki and Kibum's faces, Jonghyun knows they've heard it as well.
Kibum is paler than usual. "Maybe we should leave," he says, pressing his shades against the bridge of his nose as if he's hoping that it will sink in so deep there will be a permanent mark forever.
They nearly make it. But nearly is not enough, and Jonghyun watches in slow-motion as identical looks of horror blossom on the entire production crew's faces. Taemin is calm, broadcast-perfect smile still on his face, but something stirs in his eyes.
Yes, Jonghyun has missed Taemin, but this is not the way Jonghyun planned for them to meet.
"Cut," says the PD, gaze never leaving the three of them. The crowd is whispering, pulling out phones and cameras to snap photos of this epic turn of events - the ex-members of SHINee meeting each other again.
Jonghyun turns his head towards the other two. Kibum is trembling a little, and Jinki looks like he's about to throw up. And then as if he is drawn by some kind of invisible thread, or a magnetic pull, Kibum takes a step forward before either Jonghyun and Jinki can stop him.
"Taemin," Kibum says. It comes out low and hoarse, scratching at Jonghyun's heart
The smile dulls a little on Taemin's face before dissolving completely, and Jonghyun clenches his fists with hope and apprehension and preparation for the disappointing fall. Hyung, he sees Taemin's lips form, but no sound comes out, and it's like they're backstage before their debut performance again, the air around them zinging with electricity, and Taemin's eyes wide and open and star-like.
For the first time, Jonghyun believes that it is possible to rewind time. He feels like he's seventeen all over again, skittish and nervous, eager to take the world by storm one step at a time.
Then the PD says action, and Taemin turns back to the cameras as if nothing has happened, and the moment is gone, lost in time-space forever.
Jinki is the first to react, wrapping an arm around Kibum's shoulder and murmuring something into his ear that Jonghyun cannot hear. "Let's go," Jinki says, using his free hand to tug at Jonghyun's wrist.
They walk away together, the crowd parting for them like the red sea. Jonghyun turns back one last time, just in time to catch Taemin looking at him, and their gazes clash.
I miss you, Jonghyun mouths, and watches Taemin's face crumple a little.
-
They order in for dinner, curling up on the couch together with fried chicken in their hands. The phone rings close to midnight, and Jinki reaches for it almost lazily. "Hello?"
Jonghyun has his eyes closed, head tucked into the crook of Kibum's neck. They are watching some boring late-night movie for the sake of staying awake, because Kibum says that every time he closes his eyes he sees Taemin. Jonghyun thinks he understands.
"Taemin," Jinki says, and Jonghyun jerks upright, eyes flashing open to stare as Jinki grips the phone tighter.
"Did he just say Taemin," Kibum wants to know, and Jonghyun cannot do or say anything except nod and lean forward expectantly. "God, Jinki-hyung, there's something called speaker phone, you know."
As it turns out, Jinki has no idea how to put their house phone on speaker ("I'm not the one who bought the phone!" He cries, and Kibum mutters something under his breath about excuses), and there is quite a bit of a commotion as they argue over which is the correct button to press ("No, no, you better not accidentally hang up, what if Taeminnie never calls back again!").
"What's going on?" Taemin asks, voice ringing out from the speakers. Jonghyun rocks backwards, sinking into the couch with a sigh of relief and a triumphant peace-sign. Kibum casts him a glare.
"Nothing much, just your Jonghyun-hyung being an idiot," Kibum says airily. "And Jinki-hyung is still ridiculous."
"Well," Jonghyun cuts in. "Your Kibum-hyung is still egoistical."
Taemin and Jinki laugh at the same time, and Kibum struggles with his grimace until he gives up and lets the corners of his mouth tilt back upwards into a grin.
"How's it going, superstar," Kibum says, his tone teasing, but they all know that he's worried about Taemin - despite how he used to play it up for the cameras, Kibum has always been ridiculously obsessed about Taemin's health, Taemin's safety, Taemin's happiness, Taemin Taemin Taemin. Jonghyun remembers being sulky about it once, a long time ago, until Kibum figured the problem out and pressed close to Jonghyun, fingers fanning across the inside of Jonghyun's arm, saying you'll always be my best friend, you idiot, why are you jealous?
"Fine, I guess," Taemin says. "Except I don't really know what management wants to do with me. Minho-hyung's probably going to focus on acting, but you know me, I want to dance."
Jinki leans in closer to the speakers. "Then dance," he tells Taemin.
Taemin half-laughs, but there's a twinge of sadness buried in the depths of it. "My singing isn't good enough for me to have a solo career," he says quietly.
Jonghyun feels his chest compress into itself, feels a burst of fresh guilt and regret bloom inside his heart - if they hadn't left, if they hadn't ruined it all, Taemin would still have been able to do what he loved the most. With the three best vocals of the group gone, there is no way the company would allow Minho and Taemin to continue on together. And like Taemin said, he can't have a solo career. Jonghyun wonders if this is what it feels like to tear someone's dreams apart, to take away his wings and let him crash and burn on the ground.
"Taemin," Kibum says. His voice shatters the tense, knowing silence and startles Jonghyun. "Taemin-ah."
The silence stretches on through phone cords and power lines, a thousand roads and traffic lights and street-lamps to reach Taemin, who is somewhere they cannot reach anymore. No, Jonghyun thinks, this is what it feels like to watch someone die right in front of you without being able to do a thing.
Because the lone memory of how it felt like to start to dislike singing, to push away the one thing you've loved since the beginning of your memories, makes Jonghyun want to throw up, and he knows that this is how Taemin feels, that this is killing Taemin, and Jonghyun has no idea how to save him.
There is a choked sob, which is followed by a beep, and then Taemin is gone.
-
Jonghyun wakes up to see Kibum in front of the computer, face stained bright red and blue from the colors on screen. He squints at the photographs Kibum is scrolling past. "What are you doing?"
Kibum turns. "Oh," he says. "You're awake."
Jonghyun rubs his eyes. His entire face feels swollen, and his eyes are probably puffy - he always ends up like this after crying himself to sleep. "You're not answering the question," Jonghyun points out.
"We should go on a holiday," Kibum says cheerily. It's kind of scary, considering how all three of them had been at their lowest last night, but then again, Kibum has always had the strangest mood-swings. "How does the beach sound?"
"Nice, I guess," Jonghyun says. He glances over at Jinki, who is still dead to the world, arms and legs splayed out in a strange position. "Why so sudden?"
Kibum shrugs, spinning his chair around to face Jonghyun. "I just felt like getting away," he says, a little quieter, a little less bright, and Jonghyun understands. He grew up in Seoul, and he's used to the speed and noise of the city, but there are times he wants to escape from it all and just while his life away. Especially at a time like this, with his heart full and heavy from unspoken regrets and vanishing chances
"What beach are we going to?"
Kibum taps his chin. "I was thinking Busan," he says. "I don't know. Any ideas?"
Jonghyun stretches, the covers falling off his shoulders to pool on his lap. "How about New Zealand?" He says teasingly.
The corners of Kibum's mouth twitch upwards a little. "I think I prefer Old Zealand, thanks," he says dryly, so familiar that Jonghyun's heart tilts a little in his chest, and he laughs.
"You're up to something, aren't you," Jonghyun says. There's a spark in Kibum's eyes, fueled by raw determination and excitement and hope, and it's been a long time since he's seen Kibum like this.
Kibum shrugs again, his smile widening. "You'll find out in the end, anyway," he says.
"Not if you don't tell me," Jonghyun retorts.
"You always find out even before I tell you," Kibum says, and they both know it's the truth. He mock-glares at Jonghyun, but his smile is still there, hovering at his lips.
"That's because I'm your best friend," Jonghyun says. "What would happen to you if I'm not there to stop you from embarking on your evil plans to take over the world?"
Kibum snorts. "You're a spoilsport, that's what you are," he tells Jonghyun, but his grin is brighter than ever.
-
A week later, Kibum drags them out of bed at five in the morning. Jonghyun is grumpy and Jinki is grumpier, and Kibum's sugary smile isn't really helping with Jonghyun's mood since he just feels like punching it of
"Come on," Kibum urges, pushing Jinki into the bathroom. Jonghyun takes the chance to shuffle back into the bedroom and collapse onto the bed, but is soon tugged off by Kibum
"My ass," Jonghyun complains, sitting on the floor. He pulls his blankets off, wrapping them around himself and curling up against the bed.
Kibum is standing over him with his arms crossed. "If you don't get up right now, it's going to hurt a lot more," he warns.
Fuck you, Jonghyun mouths, but he's too much of a coward to say it loud because as cheerful as Kibum looks, he's still a bitch in the morning.
"Saw that," Kibum sings, bending down to curl his fingers around Jonghyun's bicep. "Fuck you too. Now get a move on."
Jinki stumbles into the room still bleary-eyed, with a smudge of toothpaste on his chin and his hair in a mess. Jonghyun moves into the bathroom, grumbling as Kibum sighs and says, "Jinki-hyung, what are we going to do with you?"
They take an hour to get ready, mostly because Jonghyun and Jinki keep taking turns to go back to sleep whenever Kibum is too busy prodding the other one to bathe or change or eat breakfast, but finally they're ready to go.
"Wait," Jonghyun says. Kibum is lugging a gigantic duffel bag, and Jonghyun eyes it suspiciously. "Where are we going?"
"Neverland," says Kibum, and Jonghyun rolls his eyes. "I've packed everything for you, so you don't have to worry," Kibum explains cheerily. "Come on, we'll be late."
Jonghyun raises an eyebrow. "You said you'd tell me if I didn't manage to guess it," he says. "I have no idea where we're going, so out with it. Now."
Kibum pulls a face at him. "No," he says. "I said you'd probably figure it out, but I never said I would tell you if you didn't manage to guess it." He narrows his eyes. "When did you become so thick, anyway?"
"You're calling me thick?" Jonghyun asks, pressing a hand against his heart in mock-despair. "What a wonderful best friend, Kibum, what a wonderful best friend you are."
Kibum ignores him, turning to Jinki instead, who is leaning against the wall with his eyes closed. "Yah, wake up," he says, smacking Jinki's arm, who startles and drops all the stuff he'd been clutching. "Our train's leaving in an hour, and we still have to flag a cab to get to the station."
The lift dings, its doors sliding open, and Jonghyun glances up from where he's been squatting down on the ground attempting to help Jinki gather back his things. "We're getting out of Seoul?"
"You'll see," Kibum says innocently, then whirls around and disappears into the lift. "Be downstairs in one minute, or else." He waggles his fingers in goodbye, and the doors close.
Jinki stands up, arms filled with the lunch boxes Kibum had instructed him to hold. "He's such a drama queen in the morning," he says.
"I wonder what he'd do if we don't go down until five minutes later," Jonghyun comments. Jinki throws him an exasperated look as Jonghyun's phone vibrates. He looks down to see Kibum's text message: don't even think about it.
Jonghyun laughs, handing the phone over to Jinki. "Busted," he says.
"Neverland, here we come," Jinki says, shrugging as he walks over to press the lift button.
-
Neverland turns out to be Busan, Korea.
"I knew it," Jonghyun says triumphantly. "See, you can never hide things from me."
Kibum rolls his eyes. "That's just because I told you," he says. He pulls out his phone, checking the time. "Late, late, late," he mutters to himself.
"Who's late?" Jinki wants to know. "And where are we going to? How long are we staying here?"
Kibum slides his phone back into his pocket, turning to Jinki with a grin. "It's a surprise," he says. He points towards a bench. "Let's just sit there and wait."
Jonghyun shrugs and makes his way over, Kibum humming a familiar song as he keeps in step with him. Jonghyun gives him a sideways glance. "I wrote that," he says.
"You did," Kibum says agreeably, smiling.
"I wrote that for us," Jonghyun corrects. They'd planned for the song to be part of the tracklist for the album to be released on their fifth anniversary, which needless to say, had never happened. "Hang on," Jonghyun says slowly. "What's the date today?"
Kibum's grin widens, and he opens his mouth just as Jonghyun hears Jinki's voice ringing out in the heat of the afternoon sun. "Taemin. Oh my God, Minho -"
Jonghyun whirls his head around, half-afraid that there will be nothing there and Jinki is just seeing things, but Taemin and Minho are standing there, larger than life with their oversized sunglasses and candy-colored caps. Taemin is wearing a half-smile, and Minho looks like he'd been dragged here unwillingly, but they are there, close enough to touch, and that's all that matters.
"You planned this," Jonghyun accuses, but Kibum is already walking towards the two. Jonghyun trails behind, watching as Kibum reaches forward to put a hand on Minho's shoulder
"Hello," Kibum says.
Minho is silent, staring back into Kibum's eyes as if he hasn't quite decided on what to think or feel. Jonghyun coughs. "Well," he says brightly. "Isn't this awkward."
Something softens in Minho's eyes, and the corners of his lips start to curve upwards. Then Taemin's grin is splitting his face as he leaps on Kibum, and Jonghyun's tears are blinding his vision, and Minho is half-laughing as he says why in the world are you crying, hyung, and Jinki is speaking so fast his words are car-crashing together, but it's okay because the five of them are together again, and as cheesy as it sounds, together, they can do anything.
-
They have a barbecue party on the beach, outside the small villa Kibum has rented for the night. Jinki is singing a song about meat, Taemin trying to coordinate dance moves and waving the tongs about in the air.
Jonghyun is in the kitchen, kneeling in front of the refrigerator and struggling to fit the tenth canned drink in the circle of his arms. There's a shadow and light press of skin against skin as Minho leans over to take the remaining drinks.
"Thanks," Jonghyun says, straightening up and nudging the door closed with his knee. Minho smiles, shrugging, and it's almost as if the past year or so has been wiped clean, as if they are back to being eighteen and nineteen without the harsh press of the world on their shoulders.
They walk out together, Kibum swooping over to pluck some drinks out of Jonghyun's arms and setting them on the table. "Is the food ready or not?" He calls out in Jinki's direction.
"Almost!" Taemin chirps, stopping his dancing and turning back to help Jinki grill the meat. Kibum shakes his head and sighs, but there's a smile glittering on his face.
Jonghyun sits down, popping open a can of coke. "No beer?" He asks Kibum, raising an eyebrow.
"Taemin -" Kibum begins.
"Isn't underage anymore," Minho reminds
Kibum makes a face, sinking down on the bench next to Jonghyun. "But still." He throws Jonghyun a help me out here look, something he always does when he is utterly humiliated during an argument with Minho.
Jonghyun hides a smile. What do you want me to do?
I don't know, Kibum glares, change the topic or something. Anything.
"Taemin isn't underage anymore," Jonghyun repeats, and Minho's gaze swipes away from Kibum and onto Jonghyun. "God, that sounds so weird."
Taemin darts over, planting a plastic plate of grilled meat in front of them. "What are you guys talking about?" He asks. "I heard my name."
Minho shakes his head, half-laughing as he reaches over to snag a piece of meat. "Ask Kibum."
"Hyung," Taemin whines, widening his eyes and curling his arms around Kibum's neck.
Kibum winces, peeling Taemin off and curling his fingers around Taemin's wrists, human handcuffs that are far warmer and kinder than metal biting into soft skin. "Just eat."
Jinki drifts over as well, wiping the sweat on his forehead. "Can I eat too?"
"No," Kibum answers, tugging the plate out of his reach. "Go and grill more meat, there's not enough."
Jinki looks positively heartbroken, and Jonghyun watches as Minho gets up. "You eat, hyung," he says generously. "I'll take over."
Jinki's face splits into a grin as he happily takes the seat Minho has vacated. "Thanks, Minho-yah," he calls, and Minho smiles back as he heads for the grill.
"You're a terrible hyung," Kibum informs him.
Jinki pointedly ignores him, stuffing a large chunk of meat into his mouth. Kibum tuts in response, and Jonghyun nudges him in the side. "What's up with you?"
Kibum mutters something under his breath that Jonghyun doesn't bother to attempt to decipher. Taemin casts him a worried glance, and Jonghyun's gaze trails after Minho, a solitary figure by the grill.
It's almost strange how these two have miraculously transformed back to their old selves again, and Jonghyun wonders if it's because of their departure. Jonghyun wonders if it was just a phase, if things would have gone back to normal as long as he and Kibum and Jinki had just held on for a few more months or years. Jonghyun wonders if maybe, just maybe, they'd ruined everything by not being strong enough.
"Now what's up with you?" Kibum is asking, and Jonghyun blinks and glances up.
"Nothing," Jonghyun says, and shrugs. Kibum doesn't look convinced though, so Jonghyun shoots him a look that says don't press it, not in front of Taemin, and Kibum nods in answer.
Taemin looks uncertain, glancing back and forth between them. "Hyung?"
"It's nothing, Taemin-ah," Jonghyun reassures him.
"Minho," Kibum calls, successfully distracting Taemin. "You look like you could use some help."
Minho shoots him a glare. "I'm fine," he bites back, desperately trying to flip over all the meat Jinki's placed onto the grill. "Really though, hyung, why in the world did you put so many pieces at the same time?"
"Just admit that you can't manage it by yourself," Kibum taunts, and Jonghyun can practically see the fire blazing in Minho's eyes as he rises up to the bait.
"I'll help you, hyung," Taemin offers, and Minho hastily shakes his head, insisting that he's perfectly fine. And then the smell of charred meat drifts over, making Jonghyun wrinkle his nose as Kibum screeches something along the lines of I told you so, grin disappearing now that they are faced with the impending doom of food shortage.
Jinki looks like he's about to collapse from either horror or hunger, and Jonghyun just laughs because really, at this point, what else is there to do?
-
Jonghyun and Minho get sent to the nearest convenience store to get snacks. Jonghyun rolls his eyes and grumbles, but takes one look at Kibum's glare, Taemin's pitiful look and Jinki picking at the leftover bones in hopes of getting some meat off them and softens. "Come back soon!" Kibum calls after them, a Cheshire cat grin swiping across his face, and Jonghyun resists the urge to turn around and give him the finger.
It's a little awkward, with the two of them walking beside each other in the quiet of the night, unsure of what to do or say to break the uncomfortable silence. Jonghyun glances at Minho through the curtain of his fringe, then quickly stares back at his feet when he realizes Minho's been looking at him as well.
"So, um," Jonghyun says, thinking that since he's the older one he ought to take the first step in initiating a conversation. "How's life?"
Minho shrugs, hands tucked into his jeans pockets. "Not as busy as I expected," he says, and Jonghyun blinks because he thinks he might have heard wrongly.
"Why not?"
Minho freezes in his tracks, and Jonghyun slows down to a stop as well, confused. "Minho?"
"Hyung," Minho says, and it's almost a sigh. The way Minho's regarding him, with that slow burn of resignation and knowledge buried in his wide eyes makes Jonghyun feel a little sick, and now he's not so hungry anymore, his stomach churning instead of rumbling. "You can't honestly think we're still popular."
Jonghyun swallows. "I thought -"
"That we'd last forever?" Minho says dryly. "Really, hyung, even if you and Kibum-hyung and Jinki-hyung had stayed, we'd probably have disbanded in a year or so anyway."
"But you were angry," Jonghyun says, feeling oddly cheated. "You didn't want to talk to me."
Minho laughs a little. "I guess I was a little, at the start, but after a while I straightened my thoughts out and well, I can't blame you for wanting to leave." He smiles, reaches out to place a warm hand on Jonghyun's shoulder. The touch burns through the fabric of Jonghyun's shirt and straight into his heart, curling at the bottom comfortingly. "And I'm sorry."
Jonghyun feels like he's going to cry. "I was scared," he admits, staring up at Minho. "You and Taemin were acting so weird, and I just..."
"Gave up?" Minho teases, and Jonghyun just smacks him in reply.
-
They spend the train ride together playing ridiculous games just like they had back when they'd first started traveling together, and it's almost like Jonghyun's gone back in time again except he's a lot less stressed, a lot more carefree, and he doesn't think he regrets leaving after all.
"I kind of want to take this train forever," Jinki comments, and they all laugh at him for being cheesy and ridiculous but Jonghyun thinks that he understands.
When they get off at Seoul Station, Jonghyun feels an odd sense of loss as the three of them stand there watching Taemin and Minho disappear into the distance together, but then his phone vibrates and he flips it open to see a text message from Taemin.
"We'll call you soon! Don't miss us too much!" Kibum reads, peering over Jonghyun's shoulder, and he says it in such a good imitation of Taemin's voice that Jonghyun and Jinki start laughing.
Jonghyun sings in the bus ride back, and Kibum looks like he's about to tell him to shut up, but there's something about the look on Jonghyun's face that makes him smile and lean his head on Jonghyun's shoulder instead. "Thank God there isn't anybody else here," he mutters, but his eyes are still crinkled up.
Jinki joins in after a moment, the two of them singing so loud the bus driver actually turns to throw them a weird look, and Jonghyun thinks that maybe life isn't so bad after all, with things the way they are right now.
A/N: Happy ending! I'd originally written a not-so-happy one because this one seemed a bit too sudden and implausible (i.e. I'm still not really pleased with it ;_____;), but I ended up with this one instead because let's just say we all need a bit of happiness in fandom lately :')
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