We need a replay (1/2)
we need a replay (1/2)
gen, onjongkey friendship
13,350 words
If anything, recognizing the signs of their slow slide to falling apart had made it worse.
we need a replay
i think about you every time i close my eyes, you’re everything
it is still natural for you to be by our side
- W (JYJ)
Jonghyun only realizes during the fourth year after their debut, even though he expects it had started before that already. They've all gotten too tired and exhausted - both physically and mentally -, and they are starting to forget the reasons why they worked so hard to make it this far. Jonghyun's past life back in school cramming examinations the previous night and laughing during break times seems like a lifetime ago, and all he remembers are hours practicing the same dance moves over and over again, and the lights dimming on stage until all that's left is a shadow of that exhilaration he'd first felt during his debut stage.
Weariness makes them all crankier and heightens their tendency to snap at each other over the tiniest things possible.
Jonghyun startles one day, loosening his grip on Minho's collar with such force that the younger boy stumbles against the kitchen counter, his eyes wide but knowing.
"I'm sorry," Jonghyun says, and he is. He has no idea what came over him, and the guilt is pounding throughout his body, accompanied by the bone-tiredness. "God, Minho, I'm so sorry."
Minho manages a small smile that cracks at the edges. "It's okay, hyung," he says, then drifts off into his room.
They have separate rooms now. Jonghyun misses those nights spent staying up and talking about the most ridiculous things ever, or listening to Taemin toss and turn throughout the night, or waking up to see Kibum sleeping in the opposite bunk. Sometimes Jonghyun wakes up at night from nightmares and half-expects Jinki to be at an arm's length away, but then the sickening realization that he is all alone thuds through him and he feels like a child again, afraid of the monsters in the closet. It's stupid, though, so Jonghyun doesn't tell anyone.
They go off for their schedules, and they are silent throughout the entire van ride. Jonghyun vaguely remembers talking and laughing together to while the time away, but nowadays they just listen to their own music in silence.
He reaches over to touch Kibum's shoulder. "Hey," he says, and Kibum turns towards him, an eyebrow raised.
"What?"
Jonghyun suddenly feels ridiculous. He shakes his head. "Nothing," he says, and Kibum gives him a weird look.
Jonghyun just sighs and stares out of the window, watching the buildings flash past. His iPod shuffles and starts playing Replay, and Jonghyun can't help but remember how happy and excited they were when recording it - they'd hit all the notes perfectly, singing with their eyes bright and fingers curled around the headphones over their ears in anticipation for the miracle they were creating. Nowadays when Jonghyun hears the announcement that they are going to start recording for their new album, or when he steps into the recording studio, all he wants is to turn around and run back out.
He wonders what it was like to actually enjoy singing.
-
It's another day packed with schedules, and by the end of the day, Jonghyun feels like his smile is falling off his face and his voice is cracking from all the fake laughter. He trudges to the shower first, ignoring Kibum's exhausted protests, and attempts to wash all the weariness away.
Before he goes to sleep, he hovers outside his doorway for a while, before gathering up the courage and walking to Jinki's room instead. He knocks on the door. "Can I come in?"
"Yeah," Jinki says, so Jonghyun opens the door and peers inside. Jinki is standing by his bed, which is being taken over by a large suitcase sitting in the middle of it and bunches of clothes strewn everywhere.
"Packing?" Jonghyun asks, even though the answer is obvious. Jinki nods. "Where are you going?"
"L.A.," Jinki says, reaching over to snag a T-shirt and place it into the suitcase. "It's for that variety show I'm hosting." Jonghyun feels his heart plummet when he realizes that Jinki hadn't even bothered to name the show, sure that Jonghyun wouldn't know what it was even if Jinki had said its name.
"Oh," Jonghyun says quietly. "When?"
"Tomorrow morning."
Jonghyun feels like he's about to be sick. He doesn't know when it started, this slow dismantling of their group, and he doesn't know why it's taken this long for him to figure it out. He doesn't know why no one else seems to be able to see the signs. He takes a step backwards, edging out of Jinki's room. "Have a safe trip, hyung."
He darts out, and is about to close the door when he hears Jinki's voice, stopping him. "Jjong-ah," Jinki says. "Are you okay?"
Jinki's eyes are filled to the brim with worry, and Jonghyun just nods, fleeing back into his room where he feels like he is trapped, a stranger in an apartment he shares with the rest of his band.
-
He calls Jaejoong. When the call actually gets through, Jonghyun is suddenly overcome by dread, and he is about to hang up when Jaejoong says, "Hello?"
Jonghyun swallows. "Hyung? This is Jonghyun. You know, from SHINee."
"I know," Jaejoong says, a smile in his voice. "What's up?"
"I just wanted to - to talk to you," Jonghyun tells him. "About stuff."
"What stuff?"
Jonghyun takes a deep breath. "Is it supposed to be like this?" He asks quietly. "To feel like you've forgotten why you ever wanted to become a singer? To barely know the rest of your group anymore?"
Jaejoong is silent, so Jonghyun forges on. "To," he says. "To consider quitting the company?"
"Jonghyun," Jaejoong says, voice sounding strangely far away. Or maybe that's just because of the volume of the blood pounding in Jonghyun's ears, the adrenaline streaking through his body because of what he'd just said - the truth, which he'd never dared to voice out before. "Really, why has it taken this long for you to figure it out?"
Jonghyun's breath hitches in his throat. "What do you mean?"
"I'd have thought you would have known when we quit," Jaejoong says. "Why else would we have done so? I mean, you know, we were at the peak of our careers. But we - we got sick of it. Fame wasn't as wonderful as it had seemed to be, and as much as we loved our fans, it was tiring getting stalked everywhere."
"I know," Jonghyun says. "I know, hyung."
"I know you know," Jaejoong tells him. "I know how much you loved singing. I know how sometimes you listen to your own voice and you cannot help but hate it, to spot all the flaws you've seen pointed out by others, to strive for the best but never reach it. I know what it's like to wish you'd never thrown your life away for this, for something as exhausting as this."
Jonghyun swipes at the tears sliding down his cheeks. "Hyung."
"I know how much it hurts to realize this," Jaejoong says, his voice softening. "I know how much it will hurt when you gather up the courage to leave. Believe me, Jonghyun, I know. But I also know that if you decide to stay, you will spend the rest of your life regretting, and wondering what could have been out there for you had you been brave enough to leave."
"Is that it, then?" Jonghyun asks. "No other way to fix it?"
"We tried," Jaejoong says. "But if even the five Rising Gods of the East hadn't made it, do you really think you can?"
Jonghyun shuts his eyes. But we are shining SHINee, he thinks. We are Leader Onew and Bling Bling Jonghyun and Almighty Key and Flaming Charisma Minho and Maknae Taemin. We are legendary, we are the best.
We are falling apart.
-
He tells Kibum first, partly because Kibum is his best friend, but mostly because he guesses that out of the other four, Kibum would be the most understanding.
"Do you ever feel like," Jonghyun says. "Like we are drifting apart?"
Kibum stares at him. "You're still my best friend, Jjong, what do you mean, I -"
"Not you and I," Jonghyun interrupts. "I mean us. As a group. SHINee."
Kibum falls silent, and Jonghyun feels momentarily terrible that he is burdening his best friend with his problems. Then Kibum glances up, his eyes bright. "I think I knew all along," Kibum says quietly. "I just didn't want to face it."
"So it's not just me," Jonghyun says, a little relieved, although he is more afraid than ever because this is not his imagination after all, this is happening, this is real life.
"What do we do now?"
Jonghyun has no idea, but Kibum looks so bewildered and lost and helpless that Jonghyun feels like he ought to give him something to fix his direction in life. "I talked to Jaejoong-hyung," Jonghyun admits.
Kibum jerks his head towards him. "Oh," he says, and Jonghyun doesn't even have to say he's considering leaving the company, because his relationship with Kibum has always been like this - they only use words when they are bickering.
"Did he say anything else?" Kibum says faintly. "Is that all that's left to do?"
They stare at each other for a while in silence, then Jonghyun turns away. He shakes his head, his fists clenched, and even though he cannot see it, he knows Kibum's face is falling.
"We are so fucked, huh."
Jonghyun tilts his head. "Probably."
The bed shifts when Kibum moves closer to him, leaning his head against Jonghyun's shoulder. "Can we stick together, no matter what?"
I wouldn't leave you for the world, Jonghyun thinks. He threads his fingers through Kibum's, the younger boy's hand startlingly cool. "No matter what," he promises.
Kibum's eyes flutter shut as Jonghyun tries his best to give some of his warmth to him, to make everything better.
-
They look for Jinki next, because he is the leader and he deserves to know. Jinki's just gotten back from his trip to L.A., and he's still wearing clothes rumpled from the long airplane ride. He looks absolutely exhausted, and Jonghyun pushes him into the bathroom.
"Didn't you have something you wanted to talk to me about?" Jinki asks.
Jonghyun smiles. "After your bath," he says, and closes the door.
He sits outside the bathroom with Kibum, holding hands and playing lame word games to pass the time until Jinki reappears, his wet hair sticking to his face. "So, what is it about?"
Jonghyun tightens his grip on Kibum's hand. "Hyung," he says. "It's about us."
Jinki throws a startled look at their intertwined hands. He flushes. "Are - are the two of you, you know..."
Kibum laughs. "Not us us, you dork," he says.
Jinki blinks, rubbing his towel through his hair. "Then what do you mean?"
"We mean us as in SHINee," Jonghyun says. He falls silent, then - he doesn't want to say it so explicitly, afraid that he will break down. So he just stares at Jinki, hoping he will be able to get it.
Jinki squints at them. Jonghyun can practically see the flood of emotions flow across Jinki's face - confusion to slight understanding to absolute knowledge. Jinki swallows. "Oh."
Kibum lets go of Jonghyun's hand, moves to loops his arm through Jinki's. "Hey," he says softly. "It's going to be okay." He turns towards Jonghyun, as if to ask what am I supposed to do with him?
Jonghyun walks over as well, and Kibum slips his free hand into Jonghyun's. Jonghyun puts his other hand on Jinki's shoulder. "We'll work it out," he promises.
Jinki glances at him. "Really?" He says, and Jonghyun can hear the tremor in his voice.
"Really," Kibum says.
At least, they'll try their best.
-
Jonghyun suddenly remembers a day when they'd attended a manager's wedding - all of SHINee, with Yunho and Changmin. Kibum had squeezed past Yunho to slide next to Jonghyun as if this was where he belonged, as if one second away from him would be too much to bear, and Jonghyun had seen a look cross over Yunho's face. But then Kibum was hooking an arm around his shoulder and smiling at him, and Jonghyun had put the Yunho incident to the back of his mind, too transfixed upon Kibum Kibum Kibum.
Then Jonghyun remembers that all those years back, when Dong Bang Shin Ki had still existed, there had been Yunho, and there had been Jaejoong. And now Jonghyun wonders if that hollowness in Yunho's eyes had meant he was missing the times he'd been like that with Jaejoong, able to slip into the familiarity of each other's comfort so easily, to be able to wake up and see his best friend right there.
He sits up in bed, flicking on the light, then sets out to navigate the dark hallway. He opens the door to Kibum's room as quietly as he can, then slides into bed beside Kibum.
"What are you doing?" Kibum mumbles, not even bothering to open his eyes.
Jonghyun smiles, curling an arm around Kibum. "Just go to sleep."
"You're so ridiculous," Kibum says, but he buries his face into the curve of Jonghyun's neck anyway, his breath ticklish on Jonghyun's warm skin.
Jonghyun tightens his grip around him, wondering if he can never let Kibum go.
-
If anything, recognizing the signs of their slow slide to falling apart had made it worse. Jonghyun now feels like there's something crawling under his skin, itching and niggling at him that there is another way, that there is a way out of this, that there is a means of escape. He is more impatient than ever, and he finds himself feeling like he is a taut string, stretched to the maximum, faltering on the brink of snapping.
At least he has Kibum and Jinki now, though. They don't talk about the possibility of quitting to one another, but it is there in their eyes - the quiet, warm feeling that someone knows how he feels, that two people understand and will be there by him when the time comes.
He shares a room with Kibum now, the loneliness too hard to withstand under the pressure of the night creeping up on him. Minho had simply raised his eyebrows when he found Jonghyun sleeping next to Kibum while waking the members up in the morning, and Taemin had only blinked and nodded, his mind a million miles away.
Jonghyun wants to take the two youngest members away with them, too. He wants to keep them safe and by his side, to shield them from the horrors of the world, to contain the five of them as five best friends, if not SHINee. They could see the world together, could continue living together as normal people, not forced together as a group by a company. They'd be making the choice to stay together as friends, not fellow members of an idol group.
They would like each other not because they had to work and co-operate together.
See, this is the way Jonghyun is. Jonghyun likes choices, likes open endings, likes the ability to make his own decisions. Which is why sometimes Jonghyun doesn't understand why he'd even joined SM Entertainment, where everyone makes decisions for you - what clothes to wear, what songs to sing, what CFs to shoot. What people you have to live with until the end of your career.
"If we left," he tells Kibum one day. They are curled up on the couch together, watching some new sappy drama on TV. Minho and Taemin are off in their own rooms, and Jinki is shooting for his variety show. "Would they come along?"
Kibum turns to him. His T-shirt is old and faded, and Jonghyun recognizes it as one of their earliest fan gifts, with Key and a heart stitched onto the bottom of the shirt. "What do you think?"
Jonghyun sighs. On the screen, a male and female are bickering. Jonghyun doesn't even know why they're watching this when the ending is plain as day - they'll hate each other, then fall in love with each other, then get torn apart by unforeseen circumstances, and they'll overcome all the obstacles and end up back together again anyway. No open endings there.
"I don't know," Jonghyun admits. "And I can't even bring myself to talk to them about this."
Kibum leans his head on Jonghyun's shoulder. "Me too," he says.
Jonghyun knows what Kibum is like. Despite the strong front he puts on, Kibum is afraid of choices. Kibum doesn't like risks or the fact that his future is a bleak unknown. Kibum likes everything laid out for him perfectly, likes schedules, likes a fixed goal he can work towards. Which is why Jonghyun almost wouldn't want Kibum to come along with him, to leave the company and start a new life without all the things Kibum is used to. Almost, if not for the fact that Jonghyun is a selfish bastard and cannot bear to have Kibum slip away from him.
"Hey," Kibum says, pressing cool fingertips to Jonghyun's cheek. "Why that look?"
Jonghyun glances at him. "What look?" He says, pulling Kibum's hands from his face and holding them instead.
"Like I'm going to disappear from you and you're going to lead a very sad life," Kibum says, fitting his fingers through the gaps between Jonghyun's.
Jonghyun laughs a little. "Then you'd better not," he warns, and Kibum nods, smiling.
-
It was probably because they were all tired and frustrated, which is why after giving the incident some thought, Jonghyun decides he doesn't blame Taemin after all. But that doesn't explain why he was this close to punching the maknae, to letting everything he's tried so hard to contain just crumble apart like this. Why he'd looked at Taemin, with his small knowing smile and wondered when small, sweet little Taemin had turned into this insensitive bastard, and why he hadn't noticed it in time to stop it.
Jinki has his hands wrapped tightly around his ankle. "Jonghyun," he says, a plea in his cracking voice, and Jonghyun squeezes his eyes shut and pulls his fist away from Taemin's face.
Taemin's eyes are surprisingly clear, as if he'd expected this to happen. He turns almost robotically towards Jinki. "Hyung, are you okay?"
"I'm fine," Jinki says, but beads of sweat are forming on his forehead, and his face is drawn tight and pale. "Can - can you help me get some water, please? And maybe an ice pack?"
Taemin nods and leaves the practice room, and Jonghyun moves to squat down beside Jinki. Jinki looks at him all worriedly even though Jonghyun's not the one with the sprained ankle, just the one with the terrible temper. "You didn't have to," Jinki says.
"I didn't," Jonghyun points out. Jinki continues staring at him, and Jonghyun sighs. "Look, did you hear what he said? He was blaming you for spraining your ankle and ruining the fucking dance, God damn it, and was I just supposed to let it slide?"
"Yes," Jinki answers simply. Jonghyun falls silent, and Jinki smiles at him, taking his hand and unfurling his tightly clenched fingers. "But you always do the unconventional, Jonghyun-ah."
Jonghyun sinks down to a sitting position, Jinki's hand still wrapped around his fingers. "You sure you're fine?"
Jinki nods, cracking a wavering smile. "I've had worse," he reminds, and Jonghyun laughs a little. "About Taemin -"
"I know," Jonghyun says. "It's okay."
Jinki's smile widens then, and Jonghyun sighs and pokes Jinki's ribs gently. "Always the forgiving leader," he chides. "He's going to grow up to be a brat just because we're always letting him have his way."
"Thanks for your undying faith in me, hyung," someone says, and Jonghyun looks over to see Taemin coming back with a bottle of water and an ice pack. He hands both items over to Jinki, who smiles at him gratefully.
Jonghyun swallows. "Hey, Taemin, I -"
Taemin shrugs. "It was my fault," he says. "Feel better, Jinki-hyung." And then he disappears out of the room, a stranger Jonghyun feels like he'd once known a long time ago.
-
All his anger has dissipated by the time he reaches home, but when he enters the room, Kibum glances up from the computer to stare at him. "What's wrong with you?"
Jonghyun makes a strangled noise and rubs his face. "Nothing," he says shortly, and turns to grab a fresh set of clothes from the closet.
In a flash, Kibum is standing next to him, grabbing his elbow. "Hey," Kibum says, soft and kind and warm. "Tell me what happened."
Jonghyun stares at him in silence for a while before the words spill from his mouth, and when he's done, Kibum wraps his arms around him. "It's okay," he says, and Jonghyun blinks, a tear splashing on the back of Kibum's shirt.
"Tell me," Jonghyun says hoarsely. "Was it our fault for babying him? Or - or was this always supposed to happen?"
Kibum drums his fingers on Jonghyun's spine lightly. "If it's anyone's fault, it's mine," he points out. "I've always been the one who babies him."
Jonghyun swallows, pressing his face into the soft cotton of Kibum's shirt. It smells like Kibum, of familiarity and comfort and undying love. He wonders if Kibum feels even worse, because it's always been Kibum who'd woken Taemin up and curled an arm around him to lead him to the breakfast table, who brushed the hair out of Taemin's face and smiled at him and told him he was great.
"Stop crying, you dork," Kibum says, laughing a little, but Jonghyun hears the whisper of desperation in his laughter. Jonghyun pulls away, then rubs the pad of his thumb over the moisture gathering at Kibum's eyes.
Kibum's laughter dies down, and Jonghyun slips his intertwined hands around Kibum's neck. Kibum's answering smile is jagged at the edges, like he is about to crumble into pieces, one shard at a time.
"He's still Lee Taemin," Jonghyun says. "Somewhere deep down, he's still that Taemin, right?"
Kibum doesn't nod or shake his head, and Jonghyun just watches him, wondering how time has passed so quickly, how a pretty boy with kind eyes and a sweet smile can grow up to become an absolute stranger.
-
There's always been a snowball, but it's this particular fight that sets the snowball rolling. Jonghyun doesn't even remember who had started it, but it had ended up with flying punches and bruised cheeks and a lot of tears and yelling.
Someone is pressing his hands down to his sides, and Jonghyun snaps his head up wildly to see their manager, mouth drawn tight into a solemn line. "Stop it right now," he says, and Jonghyun feels his strength seep out of him, and he uncurls his fists.
The edge of Minho's lip is bleeding, and Jonghyun watches Kibum's fingers hovering over the cut, his hand trembling slightly. Minho jerks his head away, a shutter in his eyes, and Kibum lets his hand fall. "Oh," Kibum says softly, and Minho doesn't look back.
"I'm so disappointed in all of you," their manager says. "All five of you. Especially you, Jinki, I'd have thought you would have known better."
Jonghyun feels the anger curdling at the base of his stomach again. "Jinki-hyung didn't do anything," he shoots back hotly. "He was just trying to stop the fight, he -"
"Jonghyun," Jinki says. "Time to shut up."
It stings, and Jonghyun jerks his head to stare at Jinki. Not you too, he thinks, but Jinki pointedly avoids his gaze. It makes Jonghyun feel a sense of desperation, like he will do anything to be able to get Jinki - his closest friend with the exception to Kibum, his leader of close to four years - back with him again.
"Hyung," Jonghyun says, turning his gaze back to their manager. "I - I want to quit."
There is a strange feeling of loss when their manager uncurls his fingers from Jonghyun's wrists, and the way he stares at Jonghyun, it feels like he is judging him for everything he's said and done over the past years.
"You're not serious," he says finally. "You can't go running away just because you've had some silly fight -"
"It's not a silly fight," Jonghyun says, the words strangling out of his throat. "I've always wanted to. Recently, I mean."
Kibum has a hand slipped over his mouth, Jinki looks half-worried, half-exasperated, and Minho and Taemin are the epitome of calmness. "I want to quit," Jonghyun repeats and shuts his eyes, exhausted by the effort of voicing out his worst nightmare.
-
Kibum's hands are trembling as he tosses the familiar shirt into a growing pile of fan gifts beside his suitcase. Jonghyun sees the Key and the heart, still there, still stitched into place, reminding him of all that they are prepared to give up on.
"Kibum," Jonghyun starts, and Kibum glances up at him, tears streaking his pale cheeks. "Don't."
"I'm not," Kibum says shakily. "I'm really not."
Jonghyun sits down beside him on the bed, then takes the shirt and puts it into the open suitcase. "Sometimes," Jonghyun says, voice stiller than his heart. "Sometimes living a new life doesn't mean you have to forget the old one."
Kibum makes a noise that sounds like a muffled sob, and Jonghyun's eyes are watering too. He reaches out to lock his arms around Kibum, wondering if they did this forever, they'd be able to stop both of themselves from falling apart.
Later he and Kibum hold hands and walk out of their room, suitcases jangling along behind them. "Where do you think you're going without me?" Jonghyun hears Jinki say, and turns to see Jinki standing there, fingers wrapped around the handle of his own luggage.
"Hyung," Jonghyun says, swallowing. "Are you - are you coming with us?"
Jinki's smile is crooked as he walks forward to stand beside them. "I wouldn't leave you for the world," he says, and Jonghyun remember saying the exact same words to Kibum.
Jonghyun reaches to open the door, but Kibum stops him. "Wait," he says, then rummages in his bag to pull out an envelope. He lays it on the couch, then turns back towards the two of them, scrubbing at his cheeks. "Okay, let's go now."
The envelope is sitting beside one of Minho's books about Greek Mythology, and Jonghyun remembers Minho reading it way back during their early debut days. "Tell me a story," Jonghyun had said, rolling over to look at Minho.
Minho had told him the story of Orpheus and Eurydice, how Orpheus had travelled to the underworld to save the love of his life, but had lost her by turning back too quickly to see if she was following.
Before he closes the door, Jonghyun hesitates for a while, then shuts the door behind them. He will not be like Orpheus.
-
They are labelled the second JYJ, the second trio to leave the company at the height of their fame. Jonghyun pretends like he doesn't give a damn - they are different, anyway, they are special -, but it still smarts like a slap when he reads comments online.
Betrayers, some people call them, while others argue that it is their decision, their choice. Jonghyun has no idea why he goes on reading when it makes his heart clench and his stomach churn, but it seems like a train wreck, somehow - something that's going to hurt like fuck, but that he can't seem to look away from.
It is their decision, their choice - they do have a right to end contracts they signed themselves, after all -, but still, that doesn't make them any less than betrayers, and Jonghyun knows this. They all know this, which is probably why it hurts as much as it does.
Jonghyun doesn't talk to Jinki or Kibum about it, because he knows he doesn't have to spell it out for them to understand.
-
They have been staying at Jinki's house for the past two weeks, not leaving the house because they are all afraid of getting mobbed by angry fans, and because Jinki's parents basically provide anything for them from toiletries to food.
The day they left, Jinki had called home, fingers wrapped tightly around his phone. "Mom," he'd said quietly as they stood at the doorstep of their old apartment that now belongs to only Minho and Taemin. "Can I come home?"
Jinki's father had swung by to pick them up. He hadn't asked anything about Kibum's tears or Jonghyun's tight-lipped expression or the exhaustion on Jinki's face, or even about the suitcases sitting in the back of his car boot. When they'd reached Jinki's house, his mother had opened the door and smiled up at her only son, then reached out to take his hand and lead him inside.
"I've been thinking," Jinki says today, arms wrapped around his pillow. "I think we should get our own apartment. I mean, it's not that I want to chase you guys out or anything, but I don't want to depend on my parents forever."
Which is why today they are out apartment-hunting. Jonghyun is wearing his typical disguise, a mask swallowing half his face, Kibum is wearing sunglasses, and Jinki has a beanie pulled over his hair. Kibum is clutching a newspaper clipping, and they all squint at the dilapidated apartment sitting in front of them.
"Um," Jinki says uncertainly. "Is this like, a horror movie set or something?"
"I think we should leave," Jonghyun says finally, because the truth is, the only person in the group who is really not afraid of ghosts is Minho, who is... not here.
Kibum nods stiffly, then tugs out a second sheet of paper. "Let's go," he says.
The second apartment is located next to a cemetery. "Please," Jonghyun says, his gaze beseeching. "I'll end up there as well if you make me stay here."
The third apartment is too small, the fourth has a weird smell, and they end up heading to a shopping mall for lunch. "I think we're doomed," Jinki says mournfully, spooning his soup into his mouth.
"We have one last one," Kibum says, but his tone is one of uncertainty. "Maybe it's, I don't know, fifth time lucky?"
After lunch, they head to their fifth and last stop. "Would you call me ridiculous if I said I have a good feeling about this?" Jonghyun asks as they ride the elevator up to the seventh floor.
Kibum laughs. "Maybe," he says.
The apartment is the right size, with two rooms, a cozy-looking kitchen, and a bathroom. "We'll take it," Jonghyun says excitedly to the agent, who asks them for their autographs after they fork over the money.
They go furniture shopping the next day, which is kind of disastrous because Jonghyun and Kibum end up shrieking at each other over which curtains to get, and earn whispers and camera flashes when people recognize them. Jinki gives them a pained look, and they slink out of the shop guiltily.
After about one week though, Jonghyun finds himself slipping the key into the lock and opening it to find a comfortable apartment that now belongs to the three of them. "We should have a party," Kibum says, beaming.
"And who would we invite?"
Kibum's smile falters, and Jonghyun gives himself a mental kick. He walks over to slip his hand into Kibum's. "I can ask my noona to come over," he says. "You've always wanted to meet her, right?"
Kibum looks at him for a while. "Yeah," he says softly. "And Taesun and Minsuk too."
Jonghyun swallows, unsure of what to do. It is Jinki who comes to the two of them, placing his hands on Kibum's shoulder. "It's okay to miss them, Kibum-ah," Jinki says, and Kibum comes undone, sobbing into the crook of Jinki's neck, his hand still warm and familiar in Jonghyun's.
-
The windows are flung wide open like the strip of night sky outside. No stars - it's somewhat impossible to see stars in a city like Seoul -, just the full moon.
"Hey," Kibum says, and Jonghyun squints through the moonlight to see Kibum sitting up in his bed. "Can we talk?"
Jinki stirs. "Can't this wait until the morning, Kibum?" He says, voice slightly muffled by the pillow his face is pressed into.
"No," Kibum says insistently. "It's important."
Jonghyun sighs, used to Kibum's ridiculous antics. "Go ahead," he says. "Talk."
Kibum's teeth are bright when he flashes a smile. He clears his throat. "So," he begins. "I just wanted to say I really love you guys."
"I love you too, Kibum, now would you just let me sleep?" Jinki says. He's always been the grumpiest about sleep, and Jonghyun hides a smile.
"If you loved me, you would listen to me."
"If I didn't love you, I'd walk over right now and hit you."
Jonghyun rolls his eyes, fumbling for the iPod on the bedside table next to him. "If I didn't love the both of you, I'd kill myself right now."
There is a beat of silence. "Why does that have anything to do with us?" Kibum asks.
"Because I love you too much to deprive you of my presence in this world," Jonghyun says dryly, then plugs his iPod into his ears before he has to listen to Kibum's squawk of indignation.
-
Jonghyun and Jinki are sent by Kibum to buy breakfast from the convenience store located a street away from their apartment. They don't whine or complain mostly because Kibum is scary when he's annoyed, and also because Kibum kicked them out of the apartment and slammed the door in their faces before they could even open their mouths.
"I haven't even brushed my teeth," Jinki gripes, running a hand through his unruly hair.
Jonghyun wrinkles his nose, then laughs and pokes Jinki's side. "To continue with Kibum's topic last night, I love you even when you have morning breath."
"I love you even when you're wearing a wrinkled shirt and sweatpants." Jinki retorts as they go into the elevator.
Jonghyun smirks as he lounges against the side of the elevator, his arms crossed. "I love you even when your hair looks like it got eaten by a bird."
Jinki just gives him a look. They buy instant ramyun, ignoring the curious looks the cashier directs at them. Look, Jinki mouths, tilting his head towards the stack of newspapers, their photographs splashed across the front page. It's too late to regret their decision, so they just leave, turning away in tandem.
It's too late to regret their decision, so they just leave, turning away in tandem.
In the afternoon, Kibum calls up their respective families and asks sweetly if they would like to attend the first showing of their wonderful house. Jonghyun snorts and Jinki continues watching Dooley on TV.
In the evening, the guests start coming in. Jonghyun opens the door to see Kibum's mother, who smiles and nods at Jonghyun before going over to hug her only son. They dissolve in tears together, and Jonghyun smiles at the similarities he is able to spot between the two of them. Jonghyun's family arrive together with Jinki's parents, who brought the meat for their dinner tonight. They end up eating and talking until past midnight, and they send their families out with their arms locked safely together, anchoring them to a new life with only the three of them.
"Your noona's pretty," Kibum says after that, leaning against the bathroom door as he watches Jonghyun brush his teeth. His hair is pulled into a tiny ponytail at the top of his head.
Jonghyun nearly chokes on his toothbrush. "Oh," he says, recovering himself. "She likes older guys, though."
Kibum rolls his eyes. "Not in that way, idiot," he says. "I don't date my friends' siblings."
"Does that mean you've considered that possibility before? Because really, that's just sick, Kibum."
"Hey," Kibum says, miffed. "If I had a sister, I would totally let you date her, okay?"
Jonghyun just raises an eyebrow as he rinses his mouth.
"Okay, maybe not," Kibum says as an afterthought. "You'd break her heart."
"Come on, I would not," Jonghyun answers, wiping the corners of his mouth with the back of his hand. Kibum wrinkles his nose and hands him a towel from the hook.
"Heartbreaker," Kibum says teasingly, but there is something hidden in the depths of his eyes that Jonghyun cannot comprehend.
-
On Kibum's birthday, they go to the noraebang together. They pointedly do not sing any of their old songs, but Jonghyun still feels himself flinching every time they scroll past any track with SHINee listed as the artist. After that they buy soju from the convenience store and sit at the playground below their apartment.
"He didn't even wish me happy birthday," Kibum says, hiccuping. "Not even a text message, that bastard."
Jonghyun blinks blearily at him. "Who?"
"Both of them."
"Then it's bastards," Jinki points out, clutching his bottle tightly as he clambers onto the swing. "Plural form, Kibum-ah."
Kibum waves his hands. "I don't care," he says dismissively. "They can go and kill themselves and I won't even cry."
Jonghyun raises his eyebrows from where he's sitting, his legs crossed. "Really?"
Kibum ponders for a while. "Not really," he says, then swings his legs off the slide and jumps down, crumpling into a drunken heap on the ground. He ends up lying there, underneath the bruised night sky.
Jinki slides off the swing and stumbles towards Kibum, sitting beside him. "You okay?"
"Not really," Kibum repeats, blinking up at the sky.
Jonghyun tilts his head. "S'okay," he says. "I miss them too."
Kibum turns towards him, stubbornness etched along his jaw. "I don't miss them."
Jonghyun remembers the five of them backstage before their debut performance, snapping photographs of themselves in their own dressing room with SHINee pasted over the door, proof that they were finally artists. He remembers Kibum grabbing his polaroid camera and tugging a serious-looking Minho over, then looping an arm around Taemin, the three of them a perfect picture, a sight to see.
Jonghyun reaches over to brush his fingers against Kibum's hair. "It's okay," he repeats, and Kibum slides his eyes shut.
-
It takes a while for Jonghyun to notice, since they are all pretty much caught up in their own worlds most of the time, thinking of how it would have been if Minho and Taemin had come along, if Taemin was sitting there at the breakfast table wearing his grumpy frown in the morning, if Minho was huddled up on the couch with his game console.
But finally, Jonghyun sees it. Jinki's smile always looks like it's about to turn upside-down any moment, and sometimes his happy expression dims so suddenly it's as if he's turned off a switch, and Jonghyun abruptly realizes that Jinki's been acting all this while. Jinki is a good actor, but awful at paying attention to his surroundings, so now that Jonghyun keeps an eye on him surreptitiously all the time, he notices that the brightness in Jinki's eyes is a collection of unshed tears, that the corners of his lips curl downwards even when he is beaming, that his laughter is hollow and empty. That he looks as if he's about to crumple into himself any moment.
Jinki's been depressed before. This is something all five of them know, because when living with someone twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, and being around him all the time, they can't not notice the signs. And then he'd gone and joined the Milk Club with Leeteuk and Yoochun and Taeyeon and all those other SM artistes, and if Leeteuk hadn't told them the truth, they'd still be thinking it was just a stupid gathering for ridiculous people who were avid fans of milk. After that, they'd tactfully not brought it up, but once in a while they'd do something simple but sweet for him, like offer him an extra piece of fried chicken or compliment his hair that day. It was back when they were still pretty close, when they were still sharing a room, and Taemin had crawled into Jinki's bed one night and cuddled up to him, the other three smiling at Jinki's bright grin and Taemin's cheerful laughter.
But this is a little different. Jonghyun knows Jinki misses Minho and Taemin - they all do -, and this is a problem Jonghyun simply cannot solve for him. In the past two months since they'd moved out, neither ex-member had contacted them at all, and Jonghyun wonders if the company had banned them from doing so, or if it was simply voluntary. They'd all like to think it was the former, though, so even Kibum doesn't complain about it, just wanders around the house wearing a downcast expression.
It's strange, without them here. Even back when they'd started drifting apart, it was still comfortable to have Minho and Taemin in the same house as them, to wake up in the morning and go out of your room to bump into Taemin, still bleary-eyed with his swollen face. Without them, everything feels ridiculously empty. The house is exactly the right size for the three of them, but somehow it still feels awfully large, like there are too much spaces that ought to be filled up by two other people.
Jonghyun would like to talk about it with Jinki and Kibum, but they'd probably have a sobbing fest together, seeing as they are the three most emotional members. Jonghyun wonders if it's because they are simply the three members who love SHINee the most, who had started out thinking that this was just a job and ended up falling in love with the group, who would be willing to start all over again as five normal people, as five normal friends.
This is Jonghyun's greatest wish. It probably can't compare to his previous dreams of making it big and becoming a singer, but right now, with all his ambitions crashing down around him, this is what he wants the most - Taemin and Minho here with them, making everything better by simply being there.
The old Taemin and Minho back here - Minho with his initial shyness, who started slowly opening up to them and bickering with Kibum over the silliest things, Taemin with his mild brattiness but still an adorable and kind and sweet boy deep down inside.
If this is what fame does to people, Jonghyun is glad he's escaped before it could get to him.
>>
gen, onjongkey friendship
13,350 words
If anything, recognizing the signs of their slow slide to falling apart had made it worse.
we need a replay
i think about you every time i close my eyes, you’re everything
it is still natural for you to be by our side
- W (JYJ)
Jonghyun only realizes during the fourth year after their debut, even though he expects it had started before that already. They've all gotten too tired and exhausted - both physically and mentally -, and they are starting to forget the reasons why they worked so hard to make it this far. Jonghyun's past life back in school cramming examinations the previous night and laughing during break times seems like a lifetime ago, and all he remembers are hours practicing the same dance moves over and over again, and the lights dimming on stage until all that's left is a shadow of that exhilaration he'd first felt during his debut stage.
Weariness makes them all crankier and heightens their tendency to snap at each other over the tiniest things possible.
Jonghyun startles one day, loosening his grip on Minho's collar with such force that the younger boy stumbles against the kitchen counter, his eyes wide but knowing.
"I'm sorry," Jonghyun says, and he is. He has no idea what came over him, and the guilt is pounding throughout his body, accompanied by the bone-tiredness. "God, Minho, I'm so sorry."
Minho manages a small smile that cracks at the edges. "It's okay, hyung," he says, then drifts off into his room.
They have separate rooms now. Jonghyun misses those nights spent staying up and talking about the most ridiculous things ever, or listening to Taemin toss and turn throughout the night, or waking up to see Kibum sleeping in the opposite bunk. Sometimes Jonghyun wakes up at night from nightmares and half-expects Jinki to be at an arm's length away, but then the sickening realization that he is all alone thuds through him and he feels like a child again, afraid of the monsters in the closet. It's stupid, though, so Jonghyun doesn't tell anyone.
They go off for their schedules, and they are silent throughout the entire van ride. Jonghyun vaguely remembers talking and laughing together to while the time away, but nowadays they just listen to their own music in silence.
He reaches over to touch Kibum's shoulder. "Hey," he says, and Kibum turns towards him, an eyebrow raised.
"What?"
Jonghyun suddenly feels ridiculous. He shakes his head. "Nothing," he says, and Kibum gives him a weird look.
Jonghyun just sighs and stares out of the window, watching the buildings flash past. His iPod shuffles and starts playing Replay, and Jonghyun can't help but remember how happy and excited they were when recording it - they'd hit all the notes perfectly, singing with their eyes bright and fingers curled around the headphones over their ears in anticipation for the miracle they were creating. Nowadays when Jonghyun hears the announcement that they are going to start recording for their new album, or when he steps into the recording studio, all he wants is to turn around and run back out.
He wonders what it was like to actually enjoy singing.
-
It's another day packed with schedules, and by the end of the day, Jonghyun feels like his smile is falling off his face and his voice is cracking from all the fake laughter. He trudges to the shower first, ignoring Kibum's exhausted protests, and attempts to wash all the weariness away.
Before he goes to sleep, he hovers outside his doorway for a while, before gathering up the courage and walking to Jinki's room instead. He knocks on the door. "Can I come in?"
"Yeah," Jinki says, so Jonghyun opens the door and peers inside. Jinki is standing by his bed, which is being taken over by a large suitcase sitting in the middle of it and bunches of clothes strewn everywhere.
"Packing?" Jonghyun asks, even though the answer is obvious. Jinki nods. "Where are you going?"
"L.A.," Jinki says, reaching over to snag a T-shirt and place it into the suitcase. "It's for that variety show I'm hosting." Jonghyun feels his heart plummet when he realizes that Jinki hadn't even bothered to name the show, sure that Jonghyun wouldn't know what it was even if Jinki had said its name.
"Oh," Jonghyun says quietly. "When?"
"Tomorrow morning."
Jonghyun feels like he's about to be sick. He doesn't know when it started, this slow dismantling of their group, and he doesn't know why it's taken this long for him to figure it out. He doesn't know why no one else seems to be able to see the signs. He takes a step backwards, edging out of Jinki's room. "Have a safe trip, hyung."
He darts out, and is about to close the door when he hears Jinki's voice, stopping him. "Jjong-ah," Jinki says. "Are you okay?"
Jinki's eyes are filled to the brim with worry, and Jonghyun just nods, fleeing back into his room where he feels like he is trapped, a stranger in an apartment he shares with the rest of his band.
-
He calls Jaejoong. When the call actually gets through, Jonghyun is suddenly overcome by dread, and he is about to hang up when Jaejoong says, "Hello?"
Jonghyun swallows. "Hyung? This is Jonghyun. You know, from SHINee."
"I know," Jaejoong says, a smile in his voice. "What's up?"
"I just wanted to - to talk to you," Jonghyun tells him. "About stuff."
"What stuff?"
Jonghyun takes a deep breath. "Is it supposed to be like this?" He asks quietly. "To feel like you've forgotten why you ever wanted to become a singer? To barely know the rest of your group anymore?"
Jaejoong is silent, so Jonghyun forges on. "To," he says. "To consider quitting the company?"
"Jonghyun," Jaejoong says, voice sounding strangely far away. Or maybe that's just because of the volume of the blood pounding in Jonghyun's ears, the adrenaline streaking through his body because of what he'd just said - the truth, which he'd never dared to voice out before. "Really, why has it taken this long for you to figure it out?"
Jonghyun's breath hitches in his throat. "What do you mean?"
"I'd have thought you would have known when we quit," Jaejoong says. "Why else would we have done so? I mean, you know, we were at the peak of our careers. But we - we got sick of it. Fame wasn't as wonderful as it had seemed to be, and as much as we loved our fans, it was tiring getting stalked everywhere."
"I know," Jonghyun says. "I know, hyung."
"I know you know," Jaejoong tells him. "I know how much you loved singing. I know how sometimes you listen to your own voice and you cannot help but hate it, to spot all the flaws you've seen pointed out by others, to strive for the best but never reach it. I know what it's like to wish you'd never thrown your life away for this, for something as exhausting as this."
Jonghyun swipes at the tears sliding down his cheeks. "Hyung."
"I know how much it hurts to realize this," Jaejoong says, his voice softening. "I know how much it will hurt when you gather up the courage to leave. Believe me, Jonghyun, I know. But I also know that if you decide to stay, you will spend the rest of your life regretting, and wondering what could have been out there for you had you been brave enough to leave."
"Is that it, then?" Jonghyun asks. "No other way to fix it?"
"We tried," Jaejoong says. "But if even the five Rising Gods of the East hadn't made it, do you really think you can?"
Jonghyun shuts his eyes. But we are shining SHINee, he thinks. We are Leader Onew and Bling Bling Jonghyun and Almighty Key and Flaming Charisma Minho and Maknae Taemin. We are legendary, we are the best.
We are falling apart.
-
He tells Kibum first, partly because Kibum is his best friend, but mostly because he guesses that out of the other four, Kibum would be the most understanding.
"Do you ever feel like," Jonghyun says. "Like we are drifting apart?"
Kibum stares at him. "You're still my best friend, Jjong, what do you mean, I -"
"Not you and I," Jonghyun interrupts. "I mean us. As a group. SHINee."
Kibum falls silent, and Jonghyun feels momentarily terrible that he is burdening his best friend with his problems. Then Kibum glances up, his eyes bright. "I think I knew all along," Kibum says quietly. "I just didn't want to face it."
"So it's not just me," Jonghyun says, a little relieved, although he is more afraid than ever because this is not his imagination after all, this is happening, this is real life.
"What do we do now?"
Jonghyun has no idea, but Kibum looks so bewildered and lost and helpless that Jonghyun feels like he ought to give him something to fix his direction in life. "I talked to Jaejoong-hyung," Jonghyun admits.
Kibum jerks his head towards him. "Oh," he says, and Jonghyun doesn't even have to say he's considering leaving the company, because his relationship with Kibum has always been like this - they only use words when they are bickering.
"Did he say anything else?" Kibum says faintly. "Is that all that's left to do?"
They stare at each other for a while in silence, then Jonghyun turns away. He shakes his head, his fists clenched, and even though he cannot see it, he knows Kibum's face is falling.
"We are so fucked, huh."
Jonghyun tilts his head. "Probably."
The bed shifts when Kibum moves closer to him, leaning his head against Jonghyun's shoulder. "Can we stick together, no matter what?"
I wouldn't leave you for the world, Jonghyun thinks. He threads his fingers through Kibum's, the younger boy's hand startlingly cool. "No matter what," he promises.
Kibum's eyes flutter shut as Jonghyun tries his best to give some of his warmth to him, to make everything better.
-
They look for Jinki next, because he is the leader and he deserves to know. Jinki's just gotten back from his trip to L.A., and he's still wearing clothes rumpled from the long airplane ride. He looks absolutely exhausted, and Jonghyun pushes him into the bathroom.
"Didn't you have something you wanted to talk to me about?" Jinki asks.
Jonghyun smiles. "After your bath," he says, and closes the door.
He sits outside the bathroom with Kibum, holding hands and playing lame word games to pass the time until Jinki reappears, his wet hair sticking to his face. "So, what is it about?"
Jonghyun tightens his grip on Kibum's hand. "Hyung," he says. "It's about us."
Jinki throws a startled look at their intertwined hands. He flushes. "Are - are the two of you, you know..."
Kibum laughs. "Not us us, you dork," he says.
Jinki blinks, rubbing his towel through his hair. "Then what do you mean?"
"We mean us as in SHINee," Jonghyun says. He falls silent, then - he doesn't want to say it so explicitly, afraid that he will break down. So he just stares at Jinki, hoping he will be able to get it.
Jinki squints at them. Jonghyun can practically see the flood of emotions flow across Jinki's face - confusion to slight understanding to absolute knowledge. Jinki swallows. "Oh."
Kibum lets go of Jonghyun's hand, moves to loops his arm through Jinki's. "Hey," he says softly. "It's going to be okay." He turns towards Jonghyun, as if to ask what am I supposed to do with him?
Jonghyun walks over as well, and Kibum slips his free hand into Jonghyun's. Jonghyun puts his other hand on Jinki's shoulder. "We'll work it out," he promises.
Jinki glances at him. "Really?" He says, and Jonghyun can hear the tremor in his voice.
"Really," Kibum says.
At least, they'll try their best.
-
Jonghyun suddenly remembers a day when they'd attended a manager's wedding - all of SHINee, with Yunho and Changmin. Kibum had squeezed past Yunho to slide next to Jonghyun as if this was where he belonged, as if one second away from him would be too much to bear, and Jonghyun had seen a look cross over Yunho's face. But then Kibum was hooking an arm around his shoulder and smiling at him, and Jonghyun had put the Yunho incident to the back of his mind, too transfixed upon Kibum Kibum Kibum.
Then Jonghyun remembers that all those years back, when Dong Bang Shin Ki had still existed, there had been Yunho, and there had been Jaejoong. And now Jonghyun wonders if that hollowness in Yunho's eyes had meant he was missing the times he'd been like that with Jaejoong, able to slip into the familiarity of each other's comfort so easily, to be able to wake up and see his best friend right there.
He sits up in bed, flicking on the light, then sets out to navigate the dark hallway. He opens the door to Kibum's room as quietly as he can, then slides into bed beside Kibum.
"What are you doing?" Kibum mumbles, not even bothering to open his eyes.
Jonghyun smiles, curling an arm around Kibum. "Just go to sleep."
"You're so ridiculous," Kibum says, but he buries his face into the curve of Jonghyun's neck anyway, his breath ticklish on Jonghyun's warm skin.
Jonghyun tightens his grip around him, wondering if he can never let Kibum go.
-
If anything, recognizing the signs of their slow slide to falling apart had made it worse. Jonghyun now feels like there's something crawling under his skin, itching and niggling at him that there is another way, that there is a way out of this, that there is a means of escape. He is more impatient than ever, and he finds himself feeling like he is a taut string, stretched to the maximum, faltering on the brink of snapping.
At least he has Kibum and Jinki now, though. They don't talk about the possibility of quitting to one another, but it is there in their eyes - the quiet, warm feeling that someone knows how he feels, that two people understand and will be there by him when the time comes.
He shares a room with Kibum now, the loneliness too hard to withstand under the pressure of the night creeping up on him. Minho had simply raised his eyebrows when he found Jonghyun sleeping next to Kibum while waking the members up in the morning, and Taemin had only blinked and nodded, his mind a million miles away.
Jonghyun wants to take the two youngest members away with them, too. He wants to keep them safe and by his side, to shield them from the horrors of the world, to contain the five of them as five best friends, if not SHINee. They could see the world together, could continue living together as normal people, not forced together as a group by a company. They'd be making the choice to stay together as friends, not fellow members of an idol group.
They would like each other not because they had to work and co-operate together.
See, this is the way Jonghyun is. Jonghyun likes choices, likes open endings, likes the ability to make his own decisions. Which is why sometimes Jonghyun doesn't understand why he'd even joined SM Entertainment, where everyone makes decisions for you - what clothes to wear, what songs to sing, what CFs to shoot. What people you have to live with until the end of your career.
"If we left," he tells Kibum one day. They are curled up on the couch together, watching some new sappy drama on TV. Minho and Taemin are off in their own rooms, and Jinki is shooting for his variety show. "Would they come along?"
Kibum turns to him. His T-shirt is old and faded, and Jonghyun recognizes it as one of their earliest fan gifts, with Key and a heart stitched onto the bottom of the shirt. "What do you think?"
Jonghyun sighs. On the screen, a male and female are bickering. Jonghyun doesn't even know why they're watching this when the ending is plain as day - they'll hate each other, then fall in love with each other, then get torn apart by unforeseen circumstances, and they'll overcome all the obstacles and end up back together again anyway. No open endings there.
"I don't know," Jonghyun admits. "And I can't even bring myself to talk to them about this."
Kibum leans his head on Jonghyun's shoulder. "Me too," he says.
Jonghyun knows what Kibum is like. Despite the strong front he puts on, Kibum is afraid of choices. Kibum doesn't like risks or the fact that his future is a bleak unknown. Kibum likes everything laid out for him perfectly, likes schedules, likes a fixed goal he can work towards. Which is why Jonghyun almost wouldn't want Kibum to come along with him, to leave the company and start a new life without all the things Kibum is used to. Almost, if not for the fact that Jonghyun is a selfish bastard and cannot bear to have Kibum slip away from him.
"Hey," Kibum says, pressing cool fingertips to Jonghyun's cheek. "Why that look?"
Jonghyun glances at him. "What look?" He says, pulling Kibum's hands from his face and holding them instead.
"Like I'm going to disappear from you and you're going to lead a very sad life," Kibum says, fitting his fingers through the gaps between Jonghyun's.
Jonghyun laughs a little. "Then you'd better not," he warns, and Kibum nods, smiling.
-
It was probably because they were all tired and frustrated, which is why after giving the incident some thought, Jonghyun decides he doesn't blame Taemin after all. But that doesn't explain why he was this close to punching the maknae, to letting everything he's tried so hard to contain just crumble apart like this. Why he'd looked at Taemin, with his small knowing smile and wondered when small, sweet little Taemin had turned into this insensitive bastard, and why he hadn't noticed it in time to stop it.
Jinki has his hands wrapped tightly around his ankle. "Jonghyun," he says, a plea in his cracking voice, and Jonghyun squeezes his eyes shut and pulls his fist away from Taemin's face.
Taemin's eyes are surprisingly clear, as if he'd expected this to happen. He turns almost robotically towards Jinki. "Hyung, are you okay?"
"I'm fine," Jinki says, but beads of sweat are forming on his forehead, and his face is drawn tight and pale. "Can - can you help me get some water, please? And maybe an ice pack?"
Taemin nods and leaves the practice room, and Jonghyun moves to squat down beside Jinki. Jinki looks at him all worriedly even though Jonghyun's not the one with the sprained ankle, just the one with the terrible temper. "You didn't have to," Jinki says.
"I didn't," Jonghyun points out. Jinki continues staring at him, and Jonghyun sighs. "Look, did you hear what he said? He was blaming you for spraining your ankle and ruining the fucking dance, God damn it, and was I just supposed to let it slide?"
"Yes," Jinki answers simply. Jonghyun falls silent, and Jinki smiles at him, taking his hand and unfurling his tightly clenched fingers. "But you always do the unconventional, Jonghyun-ah."
Jonghyun sinks down to a sitting position, Jinki's hand still wrapped around his fingers. "You sure you're fine?"
Jinki nods, cracking a wavering smile. "I've had worse," he reminds, and Jonghyun laughs a little. "About Taemin -"
"I know," Jonghyun says. "It's okay."
Jinki's smile widens then, and Jonghyun sighs and pokes Jinki's ribs gently. "Always the forgiving leader," he chides. "He's going to grow up to be a brat just because we're always letting him have his way."
"Thanks for your undying faith in me, hyung," someone says, and Jonghyun looks over to see Taemin coming back with a bottle of water and an ice pack. He hands both items over to Jinki, who smiles at him gratefully.
Jonghyun swallows. "Hey, Taemin, I -"
Taemin shrugs. "It was my fault," he says. "Feel better, Jinki-hyung." And then he disappears out of the room, a stranger Jonghyun feels like he'd once known a long time ago.
-
All his anger has dissipated by the time he reaches home, but when he enters the room, Kibum glances up from the computer to stare at him. "What's wrong with you?"
Jonghyun makes a strangled noise and rubs his face. "Nothing," he says shortly, and turns to grab a fresh set of clothes from the closet.
In a flash, Kibum is standing next to him, grabbing his elbow. "Hey," Kibum says, soft and kind and warm. "Tell me what happened."
Jonghyun stares at him in silence for a while before the words spill from his mouth, and when he's done, Kibum wraps his arms around him. "It's okay," he says, and Jonghyun blinks, a tear splashing on the back of Kibum's shirt.
"Tell me," Jonghyun says hoarsely. "Was it our fault for babying him? Or - or was this always supposed to happen?"
Kibum drums his fingers on Jonghyun's spine lightly. "If it's anyone's fault, it's mine," he points out. "I've always been the one who babies him."
Jonghyun swallows, pressing his face into the soft cotton of Kibum's shirt. It smells like Kibum, of familiarity and comfort and undying love. He wonders if Kibum feels even worse, because it's always been Kibum who'd woken Taemin up and curled an arm around him to lead him to the breakfast table, who brushed the hair out of Taemin's face and smiled at him and told him he was great.
"Stop crying, you dork," Kibum says, laughing a little, but Jonghyun hears the whisper of desperation in his laughter. Jonghyun pulls away, then rubs the pad of his thumb over the moisture gathering at Kibum's eyes.
Kibum's laughter dies down, and Jonghyun slips his intertwined hands around Kibum's neck. Kibum's answering smile is jagged at the edges, like he is about to crumble into pieces, one shard at a time.
"He's still Lee Taemin," Jonghyun says. "Somewhere deep down, he's still that Taemin, right?"
Kibum doesn't nod or shake his head, and Jonghyun just watches him, wondering how time has passed so quickly, how a pretty boy with kind eyes and a sweet smile can grow up to become an absolute stranger.
-
There's always been a snowball, but it's this particular fight that sets the snowball rolling. Jonghyun doesn't even remember who had started it, but it had ended up with flying punches and bruised cheeks and a lot of tears and yelling.
Someone is pressing his hands down to his sides, and Jonghyun snaps his head up wildly to see their manager, mouth drawn tight into a solemn line. "Stop it right now," he says, and Jonghyun feels his strength seep out of him, and he uncurls his fists.
The edge of Minho's lip is bleeding, and Jonghyun watches Kibum's fingers hovering over the cut, his hand trembling slightly. Minho jerks his head away, a shutter in his eyes, and Kibum lets his hand fall. "Oh," Kibum says softly, and Minho doesn't look back.
"I'm so disappointed in all of you," their manager says. "All five of you. Especially you, Jinki, I'd have thought you would have known better."
Jonghyun feels the anger curdling at the base of his stomach again. "Jinki-hyung didn't do anything," he shoots back hotly. "He was just trying to stop the fight, he -"
"Jonghyun," Jinki says. "Time to shut up."
It stings, and Jonghyun jerks his head to stare at Jinki. Not you too, he thinks, but Jinki pointedly avoids his gaze. It makes Jonghyun feel a sense of desperation, like he will do anything to be able to get Jinki - his closest friend with the exception to Kibum, his leader of close to four years - back with him again.
"Hyung," Jonghyun says, turning his gaze back to their manager. "I - I want to quit."
There is a strange feeling of loss when their manager uncurls his fingers from Jonghyun's wrists, and the way he stares at Jonghyun, it feels like he is judging him for everything he's said and done over the past years.
"You're not serious," he says finally. "You can't go running away just because you've had some silly fight -"
"It's not a silly fight," Jonghyun says, the words strangling out of his throat. "I've always wanted to. Recently, I mean."
Kibum has a hand slipped over his mouth, Jinki looks half-worried, half-exasperated, and Minho and Taemin are the epitome of calmness. "I want to quit," Jonghyun repeats and shuts his eyes, exhausted by the effort of voicing out his worst nightmare.
-
Kibum's hands are trembling as he tosses the familiar shirt into a growing pile of fan gifts beside his suitcase. Jonghyun sees the Key and the heart, still there, still stitched into place, reminding him of all that they are prepared to give up on.
"Kibum," Jonghyun starts, and Kibum glances up at him, tears streaking his pale cheeks. "Don't."
"I'm not," Kibum says shakily. "I'm really not."
Jonghyun sits down beside him on the bed, then takes the shirt and puts it into the open suitcase. "Sometimes," Jonghyun says, voice stiller than his heart. "Sometimes living a new life doesn't mean you have to forget the old one."
Kibum makes a noise that sounds like a muffled sob, and Jonghyun's eyes are watering too. He reaches out to lock his arms around Kibum, wondering if they did this forever, they'd be able to stop both of themselves from falling apart.
Later he and Kibum hold hands and walk out of their room, suitcases jangling along behind them. "Where do you think you're going without me?" Jonghyun hears Jinki say, and turns to see Jinki standing there, fingers wrapped around the handle of his own luggage.
"Hyung," Jonghyun says, swallowing. "Are you - are you coming with us?"
Jinki's smile is crooked as he walks forward to stand beside them. "I wouldn't leave you for the world," he says, and Jonghyun remember saying the exact same words to Kibum.
Jonghyun reaches to open the door, but Kibum stops him. "Wait," he says, then rummages in his bag to pull out an envelope. He lays it on the couch, then turns back towards the two of them, scrubbing at his cheeks. "Okay, let's go now."
The envelope is sitting beside one of Minho's books about Greek Mythology, and Jonghyun remembers Minho reading it way back during their early debut days. "Tell me a story," Jonghyun had said, rolling over to look at Minho.
Minho had told him the story of Orpheus and Eurydice, how Orpheus had travelled to the underworld to save the love of his life, but had lost her by turning back too quickly to see if she was following.
Before he closes the door, Jonghyun hesitates for a while, then shuts the door behind them. He will not be like Orpheus.
-
They are labelled the second JYJ, the second trio to leave the company at the height of their fame. Jonghyun pretends like he doesn't give a damn - they are different, anyway, they are special -, but it still smarts like a slap when he reads comments online.
Betrayers, some people call them, while others argue that it is their decision, their choice. Jonghyun has no idea why he goes on reading when it makes his heart clench and his stomach churn, but it seems like a train wreck, somehow - something that's going to hurt like fuck, but that he can't seem to look away from.
It is their decision, their choice - they do have a right to end contracts they signed themselves, after all -, but still, that doesn't make them any less than betrayers, and Jonghyun knows this. They all know this, which is probably why it hurts as much as it does.
Jonghyun doesn't talk to Jinki or Kibum about it, because he knows he doesn't have to spell it out for them to understand.
-
They have been staying at Jinki's house for the past two weeks, not leaving the house because they are all afraid of getting mobbed by angry fans, and because Jinki's parents basically provide anything for them from toiletries to food.
The day they left, Jinki had called home, fingers wrapped tightly around his phone. "Mom," he'd said quietly as they stood at the doorstep of their old apartment that now belongs to only Minho and Taemin. "Can I come home?"
Jinki's father had swung by to pick them up. He hadn't asked anything about Kibum's tears or Jonghyun's tight-lipped expression or the exhaustion on Jinki's face, or even about the suitcases sitting in the back of his car boot. When they'd reached Jinki's house, his mother had opened the door and smiled up at her only son, then reached out to take his hand and lead him inside.
"I've been thinking," Jinki says today, arms wrapped around his pillow. "I think we should get our own apartment. I mean, it's not that I want to chase you guys out or anything, but I don't want to depend on my parents forever."
Which is why today they are out apartment-hunting. Jonghyun is wearing his typical disguise, a mask swallowing half his face, Kibum is wearing sunglasses, and Jinki has a beanie pulled over his hair. Kibum is clutching a newspaper clipping, and they all squint at the dilapidated apartment sitting in front of them.
"Um," Jinki says uncertainly. "Is this like, a horror movie set or something?"
"I think we should leave," Jonghyun says finally, because the truth is, the only person in the group who is really not afraid of ghosts is Minho, who is... not here.
Kibum nods stiffly, then tugs out a second sheet of paper. "Let's go," he says.
The second apartment is located next to a cemetery. "Please," Jonghyun says, his gaze beseeching. "I'll end up there as well if you make me stay here."
The third apartment is too small, the fourth has a weird smell, and they end up heading to a shopping mall for lunch. "I think we're doomed," Jinki says mournfully, spooning his soup into his mouth.
"We have one last one," Kibum says, but his tone is one of uncertainty. "Maybe it's, I don't know, fifth time lucky?"
After lunch, they head to their fifth and last stop. "Would you call me ridiculous if I said I have a good feeling about this?" Jonghyun asks as they ride the elevator up to the seventh floor.
Kibum laughs. "Maybe," he says.
The apartment is the right size, with two rooms, a cozy-looking kitchen, and a bathroom. "We'll take it," Jonghyun says excitedly to the agent, who asks them for their autographs after they fork over the money.
They go furniture shopping the next day, which is kind of disastrous because Jonghyun and Kibum end up shrieking at each other over which curtains to get, and earn whispers and camera flashes when people recognize them. Jinki gives them a pained look, and they slink out of the shop guiltily.
After about one week though, Jonghyun finds himself slipping the key into the lock and opening it to find a comfortable apartment that now belongs to the three of them. "We should have a party," Kibum says, beaming.
"And who would we invite?"
Kibum's smile falters, and Jonghyun gives himself a mental kick. He walks over to slip his hand into Kibum's. "I can ask my noona to come over," he says. "You've always wanted to meet her, right?"
Kibum looks at him for a while. "Yeah," he says softly. "And Taesun and Minsuk too."
Jonghyun swallows, unsure of what to do. It is Jinki who comes to the two of them, placing his hands on Kibum's shoulder. "It's okay to miss them, Kibum-ah," Jinki says, and Kibum comes undone, sobbing into the crook of Jinki's neck, his hand still warm and familiar in Jonghyun's.
-
The windows are flung wide open like the strip of night sky outside. No stars - it's somewhat impossible to see stars in a city like Seoul -, just the full moon.
"Hey," Kibum says, and Jonghyun squints through the moonlight to see Kibum sitting up in his bed. "Can we talk?"
Jinki stirs. "Can't this wait until the morning, Kibum?" He says, voice slightly muffled by the pillow his face is pressed into.
"No," Kibum says insistently. "It's important."
Jonghyun sighs, used to Kibum's ridiculous antics. "Go ahead," he says. "Talk."
Kibum's teeth are bright when he flashes a smile. He clears his throat. "So," he begins. "I just wanted to say I really love you guys."
"I love you too, Kibum, now would you just let me sleep?" Jinki says. He's always been the grumpiest about sleep, and Jonghyun hides a smile.
"If you loved me, you would listen to me."
"If I didn't love you, I'd walk over right now and hit you."
Jonghyun rolls his eyes, fumbling for the iPod on the bedside table next to him. "If I didn't love the both of you, I'd kill myself right now."
There is a beat of silence. "Why does that have anything to do with us?" Kibum asks.
"Because I love you too much to deprive you of my presence in this world," Jonghyun says dryly, then plugs his iPod into his ears before he has to listen to Kibum's squawk of indignation.
-
Jonghyun and Jinki are sent by Kibum to buy breakfast from the convenience store located a street away from their apartment. They don't whine or complain mostly because Kibum is scary when he's annoyed, and also because Kibum kicked them out of the apartment and slammed the door in their faces before they could even open their mouths.
"I haven't even brushed my teeth," Jinki gripes, running a hand through his unruly hair.
Jonghyun wrinkles his nose, then laughs and pokes Jinki's side. "To continue with Kibum's topic last night, I love you even when you have morning breath."
"I love you even when you're wearing a wrinkled shirt and sweatpants." Jinki retorts as they go into the elevator.
Jonghyun smirks as he lounges against the side of the elevator, his arms crossed. "I love you even when your hair looks like it got eaten by a bird."
Jinki just gives him a look. They buy instant ramyun, ignoring the curious looks the cashier directs at them. Look, Jinki mouths, tilting his head towards the stack of newspapers, their photographs splashed across the front page. It's too late to regret their decision, so they just leave, turning away in tandem.
It's too late to regret their decision, so they just leave, turning away in tandem.
In the afternoon, Kibum calls up their respective families and asks sweetly if they would like to attend the first showing of their wonderful house. Jonghyun snorts and Jinki continues watching Dooley on TV.
In the evening, the guests start coming in. Jonghyun opens the door to see Kibum's mother, who smiles and nods at Jonghyun before going over to hug her only son. They dissolve in tears together, and Jonghyun smiles at the similarities he is able to spot between the two of them. Jonghyun's family arrive together with Jinki's parents, who brought the meat for their dinner tonight. They end up eating and talking until past midnight, and they send their families out with their arms locked safely together, anchoring them to a new life with only the three of them.
"Your noona's pretty," Kibum says after that, leaning against the bathroom door as he watches Jonghyun brush his teeth. His hair is pulled into a tiny ponytail at the top of his head.
Jonghyun nearly chokes on his toothbrush. "Oh," he says, recovering himself. "She likes older guys, though."
Kibum rolls his eyes. "Not in that way, idiot," he says. "I don't date my friends' siblings."
"Does that mean you've considered that possibility before? Because really, that's just sick, Kibum."
"Hey," Kibum says, miffed. "If I had a sister, I would totally let you date her, okay?"
Jonghyun just raises an eyebrow as he rinses his mouth.
"Okay, maybe not," Kibum says as an afterthought. "You'd break her heart."
"Come on, I would not," Jonghyun answers, wiping the corners of his mouth with the back of his hand. Kibum wrinkles his nose and hands him a towel from the hook.
"Heartbreaker," Kibum says teasingly, but there is something hidden in the depths of his eyes that Jonghyun cannot comprehend.
-
On Kibum's birthday, they go to the noraebang together. They pointedly do not sing any of their old songs, but Jonghyun still feels himself flinching every time they scroll past any track with SHINee listed as the artist. After that they buy soju from the convenience store and sit at the playground below their apartment.
"He didn't even wish me happy birthday," Kibum says, hiccuping. "Not even a text message, that bastard."
Jonghyun blinks blearily at him. "Who?"
"Both of them."
"Then it's bastards," Jinki points out, clutching his bottle tightly as he clambers onto the swing. "Plural form, Kibum-ah."
Kibum waves his hands. "I don't care," he says dismissively. "They can go and kill themselves and I won't even cry."
Jonghyun raises his eyebrows from where he's sitting, his legs crossed. "Really?"
Kibum ponders for a while. "Not really," he says, then swings his legs off the slide and jumps down, crumpling into a drunken heap on the ground. He ends up lying there, underneath the bruised night sky.
Jinki slides off the swing and stumbles towards Kibum, sitting beside him. "You okay?"
"Not really," Kibum repeats, blinking up at the sky.
Jonghyun tilts his head. "S'okay," he says. "I miss them too."
Kibum turns towards him, stubbornness etched along his jaw. "I don't miss them."
Jonghyun remembers the five of them backstage before their debut performance, snapping photographs of themselves in their own dressing room with SHINee pasted over the door, proof that they were finally artists. He remembers Kibum grabbing his polaroid camera and tugging a serious-looking Minho over, then looping an arm around Taemin, the three of them a perfect picture, a sight to see.
Jonghyun reaches over to brush his fingers against Kibum's hair. "It's okay," he repeats, and Kibum slides his eyes shut.
-
It takes a while for Jonghyun to notice, since they are all pretty much caught up in their own worlds most of the time, thinking of how it would have been if Minho and Taemin had come along, if Taemin was sitting there at the breakfast table wearing his grumpy frown in the morning, if Minho was huddled up on the couch with his game console.
But finally, Jonghyun sees it. Jinki's smile always looks like it's about to turn upside-down any moment, and sometimes his happy expression dims so suddenly it's as if he's turned off a switch, and Jonghyun abruptly realizes that Jinki's been acting all this while. Jinki is a good actor, but awful at paying attention to his surroundings, so now that Jonghyun keeps an eye on him surreptitiously all the time, he notices that the brightness in Jinki's eyes is a collection of unshed tears, that the corners of his lips curl downwards even when he is beaming, that his laughter is hollow and empty. That he looks as if he's about to crumple into himself any moment.
Jinki's been depressed before. This is something all five of them know, because when living with someone twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, and being around him all the time, they can't not notice the signs. And then he'd gone and joined the Milk Club with Leeteuk and Yoochun and Taeyeon and all those other SM artistes, and if Leeteuk hadn't told them the truth, they'd still be thinking it was just a stupid gathering for ridiculous people who were avid fans of milk. After that, they'd tactfully not brought it up, but once in a while they'd do something simple but sweet for him, like offer him an extra piece of fried chicken or compliment his hair that day. It was back when they were still pretty close, when they were still sharing a room, and Taemin had crawled into Jinki's bed one night and cuddled up to him, the other three smiling at Jinki's bright grin and Taemin's cheerful laughter.
But this is a little different. Jonghyun knows Jinki misses Minho and Taemin - they all do -, and this is a problem Jonghyun simply cannot solve for him. In the past two months since they'd moved out, neither ex-member had contacted them at all, and Jonghyun wonders if the company had banned them from doing so, or if it was simply voluntary. They'd all like to think it was the former, though, so even Kibum doesn't complain about it, just wanders around the house wearing a downcast expression.
It's strange, without them here. Even back when they'd started drifting apart, it was still comfortable to have Minho and Taemin in the same house as them, to wake up in the morning and go out of your room to bump into Taemin, still bleary-eyed with his swollen face. Without them, everything feels ridiculously empty. The house is exactly the right size for the three of them, but somehow it still feels awfully large, like there are too much spaces that ought to be filled up by two other people.
Jonghyun would like to talk about it with Jinki and Kibum, but they'd probably have a sobbing fest together, seeing as they are the three most emotional members. Jonghyun wonders if it's because they are simply the three members who love SHINee the most, who had started out thinking that this was just a job and ended up falling in love with the group, who would be willing to start all over again as five normal people, as five normal friends.
This is Jonghyun's greatest wish. It probably can't compare to his previous dreams of making it big and becoming a singer, but right now, with all his ambitions crashing down around him, this is what he wants the most - Taemin and Minho here with them, making everything better by simply being there.
The old Taemin and Minho back here - Minho with his initial shyness, who started slowly opening up to them and bickering with Kibum over the silliest things, Taemin with his mild brattiness but still an adorable and kind and sweet boy deep down inside.
If this is what fame does to people, Jonghyun is glad he's escaped before it could get to him.
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