~018 - [VIDEO] - post-port (retroactively filtered away from Amanda Young)

[intofireforever]

The "Laura Palmer" from port is a really lucky woman. Married to someone she loves, working in her dream career, mother to a child she adores...she's happy, and she has every right to be. I wish her well, and I'm glad I got a taste of what it means to have a good life. I even liked being older...it's something I'd never get a chance to experience

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[christ_onabike]

Yeah, sure, not a problem. I'll be there in five.

[SPAM COUNTRY]

[Paddy is now waiting on deck, smoking a cigarette, the rest of the pack in his jacket pocket.]

SPAM - my tags my be weird because I am dizzy as hell

[intofireforever]

[Laura steps up next to him and places a hand on his arm.]

I'm sorry Uhura's gone.

Re: SPAM - all good!

[christ_onabike]

[Paddy smiles a little, as he hadn't expected that and glances across at her,]

Thanks. It's alright. She chose to go, and... hell, she stuck around more than some other wardens. And she did a damn good job.

Re: SPAM - all good!

[intofireforever]

Yeah. She did. I'm glad you're okay.

[Laura holds a hand out.]

Spare a cigarette?

Re: SPAM - all good!

[christ_onabike]

[He fishes in his inside pocket and passes her a cigarette and his lighter,] Knock yourself out, love.

[He took a careful breath inwards.]

So. That port? [He'd been quite at ease with the whole thing, because he did the real world pretty well. Except having to switch out all the drugs, but that was another story.]

SPAM

[intofireforever]

[That first drag is pretty much heaven.]

I've been doing a lot of thinking about it, and I think it helped me to realize a few things.

Re: SPAM

[christ_onabike]

[He takes a drag himself, and is... well, he's more than a little pleased, actually, so looks at her, clearly interested,] Oh? What d'you reckon it helped you realise?

Re: SPAM

[intofireforever]

Stuff about my boyfriends...about James, mostly. Bobby, I was just bad for. He lost his virginity to me, and when he told me he loved me, I laughed in his face. I made him start dealing coke to fuel my addiction, and when I found out he was seeing Shelly behind my back, I was relieved, because I knew I'd fucked him up. I wanted him to have something good in his life.

[She shrugs.] But James Hurley...I was convinced I loved him. I mean, beyond any doubt. He even got me off coke for a while, just because I felt that much for him. The last thing I said to him was "I love you, James," and I think a part of me knew I was running from him to my death at that moment. When BOB showed me what happened after my death--that James had started seeing Donna, my best friend in the world, less than a day after they found out I'd been murdered, it was like I wanted to die again, only this time I didn't want to wake up anywhere. I felt betrayed by the two people I'd loved best.

Re: SPAM

[christ_onabike]

[Paddy listened quietly, carefully deciding what to make of both stories, and what to ask about them. Especially the last one.]

The people you fucking love best sometimes betray you fucking hardest. [He'd been there for that one. Not quite like that, though.]

What do you think of them both now, though? For betraying you, after all that?

Re: SPAM

[intofireforever]

What I think is that I really didn't love James at all. I wanted to so badly that I convinced myself I did.

[She looks straight ahead, out into space, and takes another drag.]

When I was thirteen, I went to a little coffee place with Donna. The Bookhouse--that's what it was called--had all kinds of stuff hanging on the walls. A lot of photographs. I remember, very clearly, seeing one photo of a guy in jeans and a leather jacket, sitting on a motorcycle and reading a book. A guy who was obviously rough and tough, but with a sensitive side--he was a reader, and he had smooth skin and the most beautiful puppy-dog eyes.

That description is James, down to the smallest detail. I decided, that day, that the person in the photo would be the perfect man for me. I even wrote in my diary that I was in love. Now, I think...I realize I wasn't in love with James. I was in love with what he was, and even more than that, what I wanted him to be. He wasn't what I wanted, though. He was just a little boy who was in love with the feeling of being in

Re: SPAM

[christ_onabike]

[Paddy has a drag of his own cigarette and just watches her, mainly listening, but also carefully measuring his next words. It's not often Paddy's so cautious with what he says, but he can tell that her telling him this is important.]

I think a lot of people are damn guilty of that one, you know. You build up an image of what you want, and you try to get people to fit it, idolize shit and all of that.

[He took an even breath inwards, then another drag of his cigarette,] Do you think you've ever, actually, been in love? With anyone, or anything, I dunno.

Re: SPAM

[intofireforever]

I might have been. It's too late to really be sure, I think, because...

[She sighs.]

It just is.

[She's silent for a few moments, then places her cigarette on the railing before her and reaches for the back of her neck, searching under her hair. She unhooks the gold chain, from which hangs half of a heart pendant, and holds the necklace up for Paddy to see.]

I gave James the other half of this, the very first time I told him I loved him.

[Suddenly, she pitches it out into space as hard as she can. It's hurled straight ahead for a second or two before falling down, down into some unsuspecting other world.]

Re: SPAM

[christ_onabike]

[Paddy was half way through formulating a question about the necklace, but his train of thought is abruptly cut short when she does that. He leans over the railing, watching it fall into... well, someone else's world. That'd hurt, if it hit someone on the head.

He finally looked up at her, and asked, very simply, and a little quietly, not noticing the cigarette burning away in his fingers,]

Does... does that make you feel any better?

Re: SPAM

[intofireforever]

To get rid of the last thing connecting me to a guy who couldn't wait even one day after they found my corpse to get into my friend's pants? Yeah, it does.

[She picks up her cigarette again and takes a drag that's probably a bit too long and hard.]

Re: SPAM

[christ_onabike]

[Paddy nodded,] Fucking good. Because anyone who does that, trust me, is a fucking cunt.

[He wasn't ever a man to mince his words.]

You alright?

Re: SPAM

[intofireforever]

[A nod.] Yeah.

I had a thing for someone else while I was alive, but BOB made me ashamed of it. He made me out to be sick, and I never really admitted how I felt. Not even to myself, not fully.