my reflection
So tonight we had family dinner. It was good. Amy and her brother and her dad and his wife were all there...thank god! I guess my dad didn't really have a chance to tell my mom about his girlfriend since it wasn't exactly the time or place...
I was in a bad mood most of the day. And it was because of a stupid boy...who was my official boyfriend for the count of maybe 3 hours. HAHA LONG STORY!...but i went to TCO with Amy tonight and i realized all that happened needed to happen last night. We decided to be friends but it was after i got mad and then he got pissed off at me. We haven't talked about it yet today since so much was going on. I didn't even see him which is a change of pace since i usually see him every day. Oh back to TCO... it went well... i love how God always manages to bring me to church when i really need to hear the message. It was so on target. And it helped me get out of my funk. The whole day i sat wishing i could change the events of last night and wishing i could go back to being all fake and cute with *him* but i can't, and i don't want too. Tonight i decided some things in my life need to change and need a fixing. I can't afford to go on hurting myself mentally or physically the way that i do. It's just not healthy and i'll never be happy that way. So i decided that everything needs to change including the boy. It's good that all the fun has to end because that too is not healthy for either of us. I can't fix my spiritual life if ihave someone i know i'll put before God. And we aren't good for eachother because we bring eachother down. I hate that feeling that i'm hurting someone i care about. But this fakeness we had going in this "relationship" just wasn't right. It's like we both just needed or wanted someone to be there so we clung to one another. Nothing was ever honest feelings. And now i need to move foward and try and get back on track...
Getting back on track means i need to find someone who i KNOW will keep me accountable. I think that person is my mom. I don't want to hurt her but i just need to tell her everything and clear the air. I need to tell her about how much my dad hurts me and how i'm dealing with it. Because i'm not dealing with it in any healthy matter...drinking or hurting myself won't make any of the pain go away it just manifests it. So i need talk to my mom, someone who i know loves me more than life and will love me no matter what. She'll help me get better and guide my footsteps. She's the one person i couldn't live without. And the one person who i admire and respect the most. I just hope that all this doesn't overwhelm her and that God will prepare her heart and help her become stronger with all that she has to endure.
I don't want to hurt anymore...i just want to be happy and feel alive again. I know God can fix me i just hope i can let him.
Tonight the speaker at TCO said something that i totally needed to hear....It's 18 inches from your heart to your head...you don't want to miss heaven by 18 inches...so many people do that. You can know it and talk it and think it but you have to feel it and live it. The best reflection of yourself is your life. Have NO REGRETS... I like that.. no regrets. It makes sense.
I was in a bad mood most of the day. And it was because of a stupid boy...who was my official boyfriend for the count of maybe 3 hours. HAHA LONG STORY!...but i went to TCO with Amy tonight and i realized all that happened needed to happen last night. We decided to be friends but it was after i got mad and then he got pissed off at me. We haven't talked about it yet today since so much was going on. I didn't even see him which is a change of pace since i usually see him every day. Oh back to TCO... it went well... i love how God always manages to bring me to church when i really need to hear the message. It was so on target. And it helped me get out of my funk. The whole day i sat wishing i could change the events of last night and wishing i could go back to being all fake and cute with *him* but i can't, and i don't want too. Tonight i decided some things in my life need to change and need a fixing. I can't afford to go on hurting myself mentally or physically the way that i do. It's just not healthy and i'll never be happy that way. So i decided that everything needs to change including the boy. It's good that all the fun has to end because that too is not healthy for either of us. I can't fix my spiritual life if ihave someone i know i'll put before God. And we aren't good for eachother because we bring eachother down. I hate that feeling that i'm hurting someone i care about. But this fakeness we had going in this "relationship" just wasn't right. It's like we both just needed or wanted someone to be there so we clung to one another. Nothing was ever honest feelings. And now i need to move foward and try and get back on track...
Getting back on track means i need to find someone who i KNOW will keep me accountable. I think that person is my mom. I don't want to hurt her but i just need to tell her everything and clear the air. I need to tell her about how much my dad hurts me and how i'm dealing with it. Because i'm not dealing with it in any healthy matter...drinking or hurting myself won't make any of the pain go away it just manifests it. So i need talk to my mom, someone who i know loves me more than life and will love me no matter what. She'll help me get better and guide my footsteps. She's the one person i couldn't live without. And the one person who i admire and respect the most. I just hope that all this doesn't overwhelm her and that God will prepare her heart and help her become stronger with all that she has to endure.
I don't want to hurt anymore...i just want to be happy and feel alive again. I know God can fix me i just hope i can let him.
Tonight the speaker at TCO said something that i totally needed to hear....It's 18 inches from your heart to your head...you don't want to miss heaven by 18 inches...so many people do that. You can know it and talk it and think it but you have to feel it and live it. The best reflection of yourself is your life. Have NO REGRETS... I like that.. no regrets. It makes sense.