I'm like the dirt on the ground....
I'm only worth walking all over. Can anyone diagnose me? Tell me what's wrong with me? Why am i the way i am? Why is it no one can stick around? Seriously this isn't the typical feel sorry for me entry. I want feedback. Because apparently i'm pretty f'ed up in the head. Why can't i give everything over to God like i used to? What happened to my relationship with God? I sure as heck have no clue. Am i a waste of space and air? DO you ever wonder that about yourself? Im just confused about alot of things going on in my life. Usually i have one friend who could understand but this time there is NO ONE. maybe i should go to a shrink. Maybe i need someone to "BAKERRACK" me. I'm probably harmful to myself and others...maybe thats why when i finally let people in they seem to disappear shortly after. I want to get to better. Lately i haven't been so good to myself. I thought about coming out and telling my mom everything, but i can't she's already going to be dealing with so much after my dad tells her about his girlfriend and that he is cheating on her. I think today is that day he tells her, at our "family" dinner. What family? I'm so lost... seriously where am i going? No where because im even f'ing up school. I might have to drop my english class. I/m such a loser i guess. haha whatever. You know most people look down the road and see themselves somewhere like married or having a degree working, doing this or that. I see nothing. and i know i have time to figure it out but i'm not sure there is anything to figure out... I wake up each day and i'm thinking 'okay God whatcha got for me to deal with today' I'm so negative. But it's not like im drowning in self pity im happy? Yes i am. HAPPY. I think. is that all that matters? But im so unhappy about so much that each day i have to find something to be happy about again.
Redirect.... how do i tell someone something that i know will hurt them but help me? The person i care about most in my life right now is my mom. And i want to tell her about everything... even the self destruction...the pain i bring upon myself.... how do i tell her? SHe's gonna cry. I don't want to hurt her more than she has already been hurt... but i gotta do something about the way i am. Maybe i'll see a shrink and they'll tell me i'm a nut and put me in a nut house. haha no no im not that kind of crazy im just lost and i guess i sort of need to be found...
Redirect.... how do i tell someone something that i know will hurt them but help me? The person i care about most in my life right now is my mom. And i want to tell her about everything... even the self destruction...the pain i bring upon myself.... how do i tell her? SHe's gonna cry. I don't want to hurt her more than she has already been hurt... but i gotta do something about the way i am. Maybe i'll see a shrink and they'll tell me i'm a nut and put me in a nut house. haha no no im not that kind of crazy im just lost and i guess i sort of need to be found...