Just Like Seen in TiVo. (House M.D., House, Wilson.)
Originally posted on my LJ, September 14th, 2006.
Title: Just Like Seen In TiVo.
Fandom: House M.D.
Warnings: Usual warnings for dealing with House?
Characters/couples: House, Wilson, and lots of TV. (Implied House/Wilson.)
Summary: Discussing TV with House is a thing that won’t ever get old.
Rating: PG 13 for snark.
Notes: And also? House might be the only person in this planet that sees more TV than I do.
Just Like Seen In TiVo.
Wilson sighs, staring at the TiVo. “I don’t know.”
House rolls his eyes. “Liar. Of course you know. You’d pick Marissa, the hussy.”
“I wouldn’t! I mean…” Wilson now rolls his eyes and looks towards House instead of the TiVo, where House has muted the volume and now it just shows two leggy bikini clad actresses pretending to be teenagers. “Why would I pick Marissa?”
“Because she’s needy and sad and just needs the love of a good, honest man to go out of the hole she is in!” House rolls his eyes again and then, as if the thought had just occurred to him, adds: “And she’s as slutty as you and seems to have a chronic disease that doesn’t allow her to wear clothes.”
Wilson snorts, shaking his head. “So I guess you’d pick Summer?”
“Of course not!” House almost sounds horrified at the suggestion. “It’s like, Summer and Seth like, forever!”
“Then?”
“Julie.” And when Wilson guffaws, House points. “Have you seen her fill out a bikini? Of course, I might not be rich enough for her, but that’s why I’ve you and your wallet. Or was it your wallet and toss you? Mmm.”
“I’m not rich, House!”
“No wonder, if you keep giving our money to lawyers and ex-wives.” For added effect, House affects sniffling. Wilson rolls his eyes again and drinks some more of his beer.
“I’m touched, really.”
“No, you’re not.” House says, grinning and giving him an extremely fake leer, before switching to see something else. “Boring, boring, cancelled, too gay, not gay enough… and I’ve seen this one around four thousand times.”
Wilson tries not to laugh out loud, but it’s hard. “You see Everwood?”
House huffs, taking out his Vicodin bottle, popping it open and taking two pills. “What? I can’t learn from Andy Brown’s heartfelt ways? It beats having to go to Anger Management Sessions!”
“Right.” Wilson says in what he hopes translates in a way in which he’s still waiting for the other head in House’s body to appear, because that way he might make more sense.
“And Brown has the hots for Abbott. And sometimes for the Party-of-Five-guy, but he’s too young. Brown’s not the pedo-type. At least not yet.”
Wilson almost chokes with his beer, and he has to wipe his chin before he turns to look at House. “Abbott is married and he has two kids!”
House snorts, rolling his eyes and then looking at him with a raised eyebrow, making Wilson feel as if he was thirteen again and had been found with his hand up the skirt of a classmate and swearing up to God that he had No Idea Whatsoever How That Had Happened. “Oh, yes, you’re right, Jimmy; being married so means you can’t be up for some buttsex.” He waited a second. “Pun not intended.” And another second. “Or perhaps it was intended. Mmm.”
Wilson has learned long ago that friendship with House means discussing even trivial things. Or rather, discuss meaningful things hidden as trivial things unless they’re really trivial things in which case they might not be important. Unless they are. Anyway, Wilson flushes and tries to hide it by drinking more of his beer, eyes fixed on the screen again.
“Mmm, Wilson, did you know that subtext is the perfect anagram for buttsex?” House asks, all innocence, and Wilson tries to remember why it was that you just don’t go around breaking your best friends’ jaw.
“Just change the damn thing, okay?” And then he adds, just before he gives House the time to comment on his fair constitution or whatever has stuck to him through the morning soaps. “What about ‘The L Word’?”
“Too much chick-talk and not enough boobs lately. And the blonde one is preggers.”
Wilson shakes his head, reaching for some popcorn. “How sensitive, House. One is almost fooled about your intense dislike for the human race.”
“Wilson! Shame on you!” House takes a hand to his chest, eyes wide while he looks to him. “I do like people! It’s people who don’t like me!”
“Right, right.” Wilson fakes a nod, and they stay quiet enough to hear some teen on TV give the infamous line ‘I just need some time’.
“To bang your extremely hot neighbor and celebrate your recently found bisexuality and then run back to your girlfriend!” House yells to the screen. Wilson shakes his head.
“Teens these days, when will they learn?”
“Hmph. Although, he does get a few points for sticking with the the classics!”
“That meaning…”
House puts his ‘I-do-care’ face and pouts, all wide eyes as if he could actually care of convincing people to do as he says and not how he means.
“ ‘It’s not you, it’s me’, ‘I never meant to hurt you!’ ‘I hope we can still be friends!’”
Wilson laughs and shakes his head. “You mean, you’ve used the friendship line?”
For a second he’s almost sure that House is going to say yes and he can picture it, House telling someone that he hopes they remain friends in a either distracted way or in a way that means that, if they’re never to be seen again, he won’t mind it too much. But then House huffs and smirks.
“Of course not! I’ve enough with a missing leg, why would I want to lose mini-me?” And now it’s House looking at him as if he was waiting for a second head to appear. “Ah! Finally, something to watch.”
“‘Supernatural’, House?” House put his leg on top of his coffee table and, after a few moments of doubting, Wilson does the same, sliding a few inches down the couch. “I didn’t thought it’d be something you’d see, that with monsters and all.”
“As if I’m watching it for the plot.” House snorts and then looked at him, head tilted and giving him a smirk. “Jensen Ackles is like, soooo dreamy!”
Wilson laughs and takes more popcorn. “Right.”
Title: Just Like Seen In TiVo.
Fandom: House M.D.
Warnings: Usual warnings for dealing with House?
Characters/couples: House, Wilson, and lots of TV. (Implied House/Wilson.)
Summary: Discussing TV with House is a thing that won’t ever get old.
Rating: PG 13 for snark.
Notes: And also? House might be the only person in this planet that sees more TV than I do.
Just Like Seen In TiVo.
Wilson sighs, staring at the TiVo. “I don’t know.”
House rolls his eyes. “Liar. Of course you know. You’d pick Marissa, the hussy.”
“I wouldn’t! I mean…” Wilson now rolls his eyes and looks towards House instead of the TiVo, where House has muted the volume and now it just shows two leggy bikini clad actresses pretending to be teenagers. “Why would I pick Marissa?”
“Because she’s needy and sad and just needs the love of a good, honest man to go out of the hole she is in!” House rolls his eyes again and then, as if the thought had just occurred to him, adds: “And she’s as slutty as you and seems to have a chronic disease that doesn’t allow her to wear clothes.”
Wilson snorts, shaking his head. “So I guess you’d pick Summer?”
“Of course not!” House almost sounds horrified at the suggestion. “It’s like, Summer and Seth like, forever!”
“Then?”
“Julie.” And when Wilson guffaws, House points. “Have you seen her fill out a bikini? Of course, I might not be rich enough for her, but that’s why I’ve you and your wallet. Or was it your wallet and toss you? Mmm.”
“I’m not rich, House!”
“No wonder, if you keep giving our money to lawyers and ex-wives.” For added effect, House affects sniffling. Wilson rolls his eyes again and drinks some more of his beer.
“I’m touched, really.”
“No, you’re not.” House says, grinning and giving him an extremely fake leer, before switching to see something else. “Boring, boring, cancelled, too gay, not gay enough… and I’ve seen this one around four thousand times.”
Wilson tries not to laugh out loud, but it’s hard. “You see Everwood?”
House huffs, taking out his Vicodin bottle, popping it open and taking two pills. “What? I can’t learn from Andy Brown’s heartfelt ways? It beats having to go to Anger Management Sessions!”
“Right.” Wilson says in what he hopes translates in a way in which he’s still waiting for the other head in House’s body to appear, because that way he might make more sense.
“And Brown has the hots for Abbott. And sometimes for the Party-of-Five-guy, but he’s too young. Brown’s not the pedo-type. At least not yet.”
Wilson almost chokes with his beer, and he has to wipe his chin before he turns to look at House. “Abbott is married and he has two kids!”
House snorts, rolling his eyes and then looking at him with a raised eyebrow, making Wilson feel as if he was thirteen again and had been found with his hand up the skirt of a classmate and swearing up to God that he had No Idea Whatsoever How That Had Happened. “Oh, yes, you’re right, Jimmy; being married so means you can’t be up for some buttsex.” He waited a second. “Pun not intended.” And another second. “Or perhaps it was intended. Mmm.”
Wilson has learned long ago that friendship with House means discussing even trivial things. Or rather, discuss meaningful things hidden as trivial things unless they’re really trivial things in which case they might not be important. Unless they are. Anyway, Wilson flushes and tries to hide it by drinking more of his beer, eyes fixed on the screen again.
“Mmm, Wilson, did you know that subtext is the perfect anagram for buttsex?” House asks, all innocence, and Wilson tries to remember why it was that you just don’t go around breaking your best friends’ jaw.
“Just change the damn thing, okay?” And then he adds, just before he gives House the time to comment on his fair constitution or whatever has stuck to him through the morning soaps. “What about ‘The L Word’?”
“Too much chick-talk and not enough boobs lately. And the blonde one is preggers.”
Wilson shakes his head, reaching for some popcorn. “How sensitive, House. One is almost fooled about your intense dislike for the human race.”
“Wilson! Shame on you!” House takes a hand to his chest, eyes wide while he looks to him. “I do like people! It’s people who don’t like me!”
“Right, right.” Wilson fakes a nod, and they stay quiet enough to hear some teen on TV give the infamous line ‘I just need some time’.
“To bang your extremely hot neighbor and celebrate your recently found bisexuality and then run back to your girlfriend!” House yells to the screen. Wilson shakes his head.
“Teens these days, when will they learn?”
“Hmph. Although, he does get a few points for sticking with the the classics!”
“That meaning…”
House puts his ‘I-do-care’ face and pouts, all wide eyes as if he could actually care of convincing people to do as he says and not how he means.
“ ‘It’s not you, it’s me’, ‘I never meant to hurt you!’ ‘I hope we can still be friends!’”
Wilson laughs and shakes his head. “You mean, you’ve used the friendship line?”
For a second he’s almost sure that House is going to say yes and he can picture it, House telling someone that he hopes they remain friends in a either distracted way or in a way that means that, if they’re never to be seen again, he won’t mind it too much. But then House huffs and smirks.
“Of course not! I’ve enough with a missing leg, why would I want to lose mini-me?” And now it’s House looking at him as if he was waiting for a second head to appear. “Ah! Finally, something to watch.”
“‘Supernatural’, House?” House put his leg on top of his coffee table and, after a few moments of doubting, Wilson does the same, sliding a few inches down the couch. “I didn’t thought it’d be something you’d see, that with monsters and all.”
“As if I’m watching it for the plot.” House snorts and then looked at him, head tilted and giving him a smirk. “Jensen Ackles is like, soooo dreamy!”
Wilson laughs and takes more popcorn. “Right.”