pondering...
Don't ever make me decide anything in one night... i can't do it. Don't thrust something on me out of the blue, i might not always be able to deal with it. I may be a pushover, even to myself. I may look happy by the smile i wear, but sometimes i'm lying even to myself. I may think something is fun, but i might not want to change the way things already are. I am a very giving, patient person, but sometimes there comes a time when i don't want to give anymore, when i want to hold onto the few pieces of myself i can... when i want to hold onto the blessed freedoms i've been given, the many priviledges i so much enjoy. When hard times come, i want to be there for my friends, but sometimes i have to be there for me... sometimes i can't decide which is more important, giving up everything for my friends' happiness in fears of losing them, or leaving things to chance in hopes of keeping my own happiness... sometimes there is no middle ground. sometimes i am needed, wanted, loved. sometimes i must do what is needed. i must sacrifice again. but still i don't know what i want to do. and you can't make me decide in one night. you just can't. i need some time, just some time. i want to do what's right, i want to love and be loved... and i want to do so completely... Lord, show me what to do... i am not given to giving up the comfortable for the unknown... please lead me and help me know what i should do.. i do not want to turn away someone in need, but i also don't want to give up something you have given me, show me your wisdom, show me your light... i love you... rachel...