On confleis
Two years ago this month Chaz and I were abandoning Portland and I was relieved about it. Relieved to be coming back to familiar faces and irresponsibility. All of that. What I didn't expect, of course, was that I'd regret that move every single day since then.
Two years and I wonder if I could ever go back. Obviously a trip is long overdue, but I wonder if moving back for good would work this time. I wonder if the third time's really the charm. Would I commit to the change and make it work? Would I shake off my dependence and allow myself to grow into a person with goals and drive and maybe just a little bit of restraint? I don't know, would I fall back into old habits? Spending all my money every night, thinking I can just call home and have more wired to me so I can keep doing what I do? But I miss it every single day. That city. The person I was, whom I frankly have no desire to be here. That has to count for something.
And not even missing it so much as realizing I've grown out of Fresno. Fine when you're young and bored stupid, but when you're 24 and either know everyone or hate everyone and have exhausted all your options, there's not much left. So I think of the people I care about. The people I might learn to. I smile. I think of what I'd miss. Then I think of excrutiating blunders and I cringe. I recoil from myself and wonder if running away from my mistakes would really make me think they're gone. Would they follow me there and sabotage all attempts?
Rhetorical schizo-speak. So to speak.
Or I keep doing what I'm doing. Which apparently seems to be sitting on my ass, talking things out to myself, as if the answer is hidden in the words on the screen.
And the friend cycles. I touched on this before. Disillusionment is a killer. What I mean is, at the first sign of an imminent letdown, I flip the switch. I cut the cord. I do something else that's a metaphor for phasing people out. It happens every once in a while. Some sort of self defense mechanism I don't know how to turn off. But when something works so well for so long, it becomes more of a trait than a habit. If it ain't broke...
This is all my own fucked up kind of rationalizing and it does nothing for me anymore.
. . .
Circa: Then-ish.
. . .
A friend from junior high through high school finds me on Friendster. Warm cockles all over the place.
Subject: Shot In the dark
Okay I'll try that again. I guess thats why people take a wild
chance cuz sometimes it pays off. How are you? Seems like
such a long time has passed? What have you been doing
these past few years? I would think about it every now and
then but figured I would never find out how to get in touch.
Now that I'm out of the millitary I've still be trying to figure
out what exact I should be doing right now, so far I've been
working freelance, a fancy term for unemployed. When I
heard about this site I thought I would try it because I
thought if anybody would be here...
Sometimes its nice to be right. Man, I have so many
questions right now but I'll let you decide on that.
Got to admit, I love New York. Sounds a bit cliche but it's so
true. Now I just need to get over the whole introvert thing...
I was always envious of you as a kid, my ideal of cool and I
regret not, I don't know, being more, if that makes any
sense. More for my sake then anything else. Well, I hope to
hear from you. Honestly I'm so happy about this, its like 3
in the morning and I can't sleep. Um, well later.
Michael
. . .
The person I am now. Elements of the person I was, and the people who've affected me, and the person I see myself being down the road. The one I keep trying to catch up to, I assume. A lot more emotionally available than I was. Open, no doubt. Willing to volunteer my insides on the outside. Still that glint of armor, quickly fading.
Well Wednesday at Livingstone's? Shannon Hunter: Call me. I have every intention of getting completely plastered and you're going to watch it happen.
Two years and I wonder if I could ever go back. Obviously a trip is long overdue, but I wonder if moving back for good would work this time. I wonder if the third time's really the charm. Would I commit to the change and make it work? Would I shake off my dependence and allow myself to grow into a person with goals and drive and maybe just a little bit of restraint? I don't know, would I fall back into old habits? Spending all my money every night, thinking I can just call home and have more wired to me so I can keep doing what I do? But I miss it every single day. That city. The person I was, whom I frankly have no desire to be here. That has to count for something.
And not even missing it so much as realizing I've grown out of Fresno. Fine when you're young and bored stupid, but when you're 24 and either know everyone or hate everyone and have exhausted all your options, there's not much left. So I think of the people I care about. The people I might learn to. I smile. I think of what I'd miss. Then I think of excrutiating blunders and I cringe. I recoil from myself and wonder if running away from my mistakes would really make me think they're gone. Would they follow me there and sabotage all attempts?
Rhetorical schizo-speak. So to speak.
Or I keep doing what I'm doing. Which apparently seems to be sitting on my ass, talking things out to myself, as if the answer is hidden in the words on the screen.
And the friend cycles. I touched on this before. Disillusionment is a killer. What I mean is, at the first sign of an imminent letdown, I flip the switch. I cut the cord. I do something else that's a metaphor for phasing people out. It happens every once in a while. Some sort of self defense mechanism I don't know how to turn off. But when something works so well for so long, it becomes more of a trait than a habit. If it ain't broke...
This is all my own fucked up kind of rationalizing and it does nothing for me anymore.
. . .
Circa: Then-ish.
. . .
A friend from junior high through high school finds me on Friendster. Warm cockles all over the place.
Subject: Shot In the dark
Okay I'll try that again. I guess thats why people take a wild
chance cuz sometimes it pays off. How are you? Seems like
such a long time has passed? What have you been doing
these past few years? I would think about it every now and
then but figured I would never find out how to get in touch.
Now that I'm out of the millitary I've still be trying to figure
out what exact I should be doing right now, so far I've been
working freelance, a fancy term for unemployed. When I
heard about this site I thought I would try it because I
thought if anybody would be here...
Sometimes its nice to be right. Man, I have so many
questions right now but I'll let you decide on that.
Got to admit, I love New York. Sounds a bit cliche but it's so
true. Now I just need to get over the whole introvert thing...
I was always envious of you as a kid, my ideal of cool and I
regret not, I don't know, being more, if that makes any
sense. More for my sake then anything else. Well, I hope to
hear from you. Honestly I'm so happy about this, its like 3
in the morning and I can't sleep. Um, well later.
Michael
. . .
The person I am now. Elements of the person I was, and the people who've affected me, and the person I see myself being down the road. The one I keep trying to catch up to, I assume. A lot more emotionally available than I was. Open, no doubt. Willing to volunteer my insides on the outside. Still that glint of armor, quickly fading.
Well Wednesday at Livingstone's? Shannon Hunter: Call me. I have every intention of getting completely plastered and you're going to watch it happen.