Time has a way.....
About a month ago I was having a conversation with April. And literally while we were talking I had an epiphany....I love this woman still , but I dont know if it would have worked...maybe there are somethings that create a gap a little to large to cover! I mean the truth is we come from different worlds, have some beliefs that paralell but the others could not be more different. We literally approach life from opposite ends of the spectrum. All that being said we managed to be fall in love with one another, seeminglt effortelessly. It just happened it was like a flash of light, and and when the lingering image it creates in you eyes disappeared there she was. As beautiful and amazing as I could have ever imagined or wanted or needed. And then in one more flash she was gone....but I realize now that even though I was the one who always pointed out things she did not see, it was her who saw this. She knew she was never going to be in a place to as emotionally available as I needed her to bo, not even wanted. She was never going to able to pick up and leave the life she so desperately wants to want, to come to a life she so desperatley wanted to make her own. It was her who was the strong one and made a decision to save us both the heartache of what would have eventually happened. She may have tried to leave, and she may have gotten here to me like she and I planned. But in the end she would have always gone home...to "her" and the family she had become a part of. The family that didnt know she and "her" had been an item, and saw her as a daughter/sister/friend and who never understood why she would have moved halfway across the country with no real explanation. Because they could never know really know the truth...they dont understand, they think its wrong, they would have made her an outcast along with their own daughter. And after all these years of playing the game of hide and seek...she doesnt know how not too. And sometimes old dogs dont have the energy to learn new tricks....it have nothing to do with what they want.
All that being said....in that moment a switch literally was flipped. It was like I wanted to thank her for being the strong one, when all this time I was thinking she was the weak one. For walking away without really trying, for giving up one something she and I really wantes, and what I truely believed would have worked. But now I know that I really wasnt listening to her concerns the way I thought I was. I thought she was just scared of all the unknown, and that we could get through it together..because truth be told I was scared as well. But she was really trying to tell me there was part of her that would never be able to let go of that had become the life she loved/hated. And she was truely sorry to have hurt me, but also herslef. She gave herself a taste of freedom, of life without those insane restraints she fights to hard to break free of, but submits to in the end because not submitting means losing so much more then she feels she handle...everything she has ever know!
But now I hear her voice, and its great to talk to her..to catch up on life, to find out how she is. Without the pain and hurt and angst....its literally okay. And it takes me by surprise everytime, but I guess because its a new feeling still. I went from complete happiness and joy, immediatley replaced by pain and heartache....to feelingthankful to have had her in my life in that capacity and even more thankful that we fought our way through the hurt and pain and have been able to become friends again. I missed my friend, almost more then I missed my lover.
I dont mean to say that I dont have moments that fill me memories of what she felt like, or smelled like, of what that smile lookes like upclose and those eyes. Or a moment when I miss the life we had started. But they pass almost as quickly as they come, and then I move onto the next moment in my world. And that...the being able to move from one moment to another is just the most amazing feeling in the world. I have spent way to many moments stuck...looking at the other moments passing me by and not being able to get to them and being so angry at myself for that. But I realize that the truth of it all is that I really just needed to allow myself to be in it and grieve the lose of some hopes and dreams and the love that accompanied them. I always wanted to slap people when they would say it just takes time, but they would prove to have been correct.
Time has a way of making things right again, of allowing wounds to heal in their own way, and for allowing your eyes to adjust to the new light so you can see clearly once more.
Who knew........<3
All that being said....in that moment a switch literally was flipped. It was like I wanted to thank her for being the strong one, when all this time I was thinking she was the weak one. For walking away without really trying, for giving up one something she and I really wantes, and what I truely believed would have worked. But now I know that I really wasnt listening to her concerns the way I thought I was. I thought she was just scared of all the unknown, and that we could get through it together..because truth be told I was scared as well. But she was really trying to tell me there was part of her that would never be able to let go of that had become the life she loved/hated. And she was truely sorry to have hurt me, but also herslef. She gave herself a taste of freedom, of life without those insane restraints she fights to hard to break free of, but submits to in the end because not submitting means losing so much more then she feels she handle...everything she has ever know!
But now I hear her voice, and its great to talk to her..to catch up on life, to find out how she is. Without the pain and hurt and angst....its literally okay. And it takes me by surprise everytime, but I guess because its a new feeling still. I went from complete happiness and joy, immediatley replaced by pain and heartache....to feelingthankful to have had her in my life in that capacity and even more thankful that we fought our way through the hurt and pain and have been able to become friends again. I missed my friend, almost more then I missed my lover.
I dont mean to say that I dont have moments that fill me memories of what she felt like, or smelled like, of what that smile lookes like upclose and those eyes. Or a moment when I miss the life we had started. But they pass almost as quickly as they come, and then I move onto the next moment in my world. And that...the being able to move from one moment to another is just the most amazing feeling in the world. I have spent way to many moments stuck...looking at the other moments passing me by and not being able to get to them and being so angry at myself for that. But I realize that the truth of it all is that I really just needed to allow myself to be in it and grieve the lose of some hopes and dreams and the love that accompanied them. I always wanted to slap people when they would say it just takes time, but they would prove to have been correct.
Time has a way of making things right again, of allowing wounds to heal in their own way, and for allowing your eyes to adjust to the new light so you can see clearly once more.
Who knew........<3