History [Bam/Ryan, Ryan/Novak]
Disclaimer: Not Mine. Once more, lyrics belong to Funeral For A Friend. (YSI - [ http://s40.yousendit.com/d.aspx?id=3N1ZGIHYUZCIZ1M5XZK0TTMK2R ] )
AN: It’s mainly the chorus of this song which gets me, and that’s all I’m using so, if you want the full song, which is awesome, just download it.
Summary: The end had to come, we were just putting it off.
For caramel_maddy, riorhapsody, fab and so_pseudogoth because no matter what I write they seem to love me. THANKIES!
(I shall take individual requests from each of you. Just give me something to run with and a pairing.)
History
Archers in your arches,
Raise your fingers for one last salute
And bleed this skyline dry
Your history is mine.
I suppose I knew it was coming. I never really expected it to last as long as it did. But you were always there to help, always forgiving, but I know you never forgot.
You knew every time I went out and did it. You knew every time I lied. You knew every time I was so much as tempted. You knew what I did; you knew how I got the hit if I didn’t have the cash. You knew everything, and that’s what made being with you so hard.
You knew, but you accepted me still. You still had me in your arms at night, still whispered those words into my ear as we made love, still meant them. You were always there despite it all and I never noticed how much it was hurting you when I went back on what I said.
Bam would get mad, tell me what I was doing was shit, tell me that my career was going down the drain and by the time that I realised what was going on it would be too late. He had hinted that you would leave me too. But I was too busy thinking about the next hit to really bother about that. I was so stupid to not think about you.
I remember the day you left me so clearly. Usually I can’t remember anything around the haze of my using, but that day was when everything came crashing down. I had come home the night before; I had smelt of alcohol and cum, I knew I did. You’d burnt the clothes I was wearing, simply because they were such a mess that there would be no point in cleaning them. You’d helped me to the loo and then put me to bed, and when I gripped your hand and pleaded for you to stay with me you did. I didn’t realise till afterwards that your eyes were dead, that there was no life in them what so ever.
The next morning I woke up shaking, my body already craving the next hit. You weren’t there and I went in search of you, hoping that you’d help this stop. That was when I saw the cases at the door. My first thought was that you were kicking me out, just like Bam had. I felt my heart speed up and all the thoughts I was trying to hide were coming to the front of my mind. How I’d get a place to stay, who’d take me up on the offer, who I could see about hits. Until I remembered that all my stuff was still on the floor in the room I’d just crawled out of. You walked out of the kitchen, a cell in your hand and sunglasses on your nose.
“The rents paid for the next three months, all the bills are being forwarded to me and I’ll take care of them. I’ve left you some cash on the table.” I realised then that you weren’t kicking me out, but you were leaving. You were leaving your own home, because of me. “Please, don’t spend that on the shit you do.” Your voice was pleading, and I knew I’d hold out on that, for as long as I could anyway.
You placed a small kiss on my lips, gave me a bittersweet smile and left, closing the door behind you. I stood there for a while, watching where you had been, fingers against my lips, trying so hard to cling on to the taste and feel of you. But it left when I licked my lips, all trace of you became a memory, you really cleared up.
Except for two pictures. One sitting face up on the table, in a silver frame. Bam was standing smiling; an arm around Raab on one side, Raab with a strange expression on his face, me on Bam’s other side, placing a kiss on his cheek. After that everyone had made a big fuss about it, Bam acting like he was grossed out, even though he was laughing and hugging me. That was when we were all happy, when I was clean for that short period of time.
The other picture was lying face down, once more in a silver frame. I’d turned it over, hands still shaking a little. It was a fuzzy picture of you and me. Bam had shot it on his camera, he must’ve capped it and printed it for you, but it still made me think back. It was one the behind the scenes of Haggard, when I had swore off drugs forever, and screwed up. You were hugging me but looking at the camera, and your eyes…I could see how scared you were. Scared that I was killing myself, scared that I was going off the deep end, scared that it would be the last time that you would hold me.
I was a royal dick. I felt like nothing but crap.
You’d left me, you’d walked out because I’d screwed up one time too many. I had never noticed how much it hurt you each time I slipped up. It wasn’t even slipping up anymore; it was addiction all over again. I was using just as often as I used to, I just didn’t let you see. But you knew, didn’t you? I’d never seen someone I love do this; I could never really understand what it must’ve been like for you.
I spent three weeks cleaning myself up. I went out one day with the money you left for me and shopped, got random ass food that would keep me going for a while and then locked myself in your house. I didn’t leave; I was determined to do it this time. Whenever I felt the temptation getting too much I’d pick up those two pictures and look at them, thinking about what it was I was losing. Bam’s friendship, your love. It was enough to make me stay there one more day, and then I’d look at them again the next day when I wanted to go out and get a hit. It was like that for three whole weeks. Until I didn’t have the craving.
I went out after the three weeks, went to the store, spent the rest of your money. I sat in a coffee shop and had lunch, feeling like I was just a regular guy, that I wasn’t fighting a heroine addiction, like I hadn’t chased off the only person who’d stood by me no matter what I did. And it felt good, like I could get used to it.
The next day I went down to the skate park. I shredded all day long and I knew you’d have been proud if you’d seen me. Yeah, I screwed up a few times, lost my footing or just fell. But I got back up and skated some more. Some kids even came up to me and asked for an autograph. I felt like I was getting back to my old self again, like I was before the drugs sucked me in. And I wished you’d been there to see it.
I’d bumped into Angie a few days later, she’d said I was looking good, we’d gone out for a coffee and I managed to talk her into telling me where you were. I had thought you’d just moved in with Bam, but Bam had moved too, something about getting his own place, something for the show, I wasn’t really too bothered at the time, but now I was. I wanted to see you; I wanted to show you that I cleaned up, that I had stopped for good.
Angie told me where to go, warned me that some things might’ve changed. She hugged me and gave me a small kiss, kinda like she would when she was over at yours, when you and her were letting people think you were involved. And the look in her eyes, when she looked at me, she looked proud and I felt my heart swell. I’d always liked Angie, more than I liked Jenn. She was cool, she helped, she was a friend. And she was proud of me. It was in her eyes and showed that she was proud of me.
I had borrowed a car from an old buddy, promised I wasn’t going to Baltimore and headed towards where Angie had said Bam was living now. When I pulled up at first I could’ve sworn I’d taken a wrong turn. Until I saw the Hummer, and the mail box. I sat in that car, without heating, thinking everything over and just gripping the steering wheel for ten minutes. Until you walked out into the drive. Pulling a pack of cigarettes out of your pocket and lighting one up.
I watched you smoke the first one, unsure if I could really go through with this or if I should just reverse up and leave your life for good. You looked good, you’d grown out your beard and your hair, it was a little longer, a little scruffier, but it suited you so well. It looked like you’d lost weight too, but you were still built well, still looked so damn good. You were Ryan Dunn, I never thought there was a time you’d ever not look good to me.
I was about to get out the car, to call over to you, show you what I’d done. But then he’d come out, bouncing happily and full of energy. He’d stood behind you, wrapping his arms around your waist and resting his head on your shoulder. And suddenly I realised what Angie had meant. About things being different, some things changing. You had moved on, you had let someone else in, you’d moved on to Bam. I could never compete with Bam, could I? Bam would’ve leave you up every night worrying, Bam wouldn’t make you take care of him all the time when he was too doped up to think straight. Bam was so much better than me, wasn’t he?
I steeled myself for it though, I’d come this far and I’d decided, I had to at least see you and talk to you. Make sure you knew I’d done it finally, that you’d helped me do it, that I owed you so much. I’d gotten out of the car, slamming the door a little so that you knew I was there. Bam had jumped a little, his wide blue eyes darting about a little. He was still Bam, still HIM obsessed, hyperactive, cautious Bam. And you were still Ryan, still laid back, caring and alert Ryan.
You just watched me walk towards you, I knew you were watching to see if I’d stagger or stumble like I usually did, you were seeing how pale I was, if I was shaking. You were checking for all the usual signs. But they weren’t there. Bam was looking between you and me, his eyes a little scared. I realise now what it was he was scared of, he was scared I had come to take you away from him; he was scared that I would be able to take you away from him. But I knew there would be no chance of that. You weren’t that type of person.
When I got all the way to both of you, you looked into my eyes and smiled. Because they were just eyes, they weren’t hazy, they weren’t dilated, they weren’t clouded over. They were just my eyes, eyes you said you loved once. I smiled back and nodded, confirming what you thought, and you just laughed, throwing an arm around my neck and pulling me into a hug. I’d hugged back for all I was worth, enjoying being in your arms just one last time because I knew this was it, this was the last time.
You pulled back first, it had to be, and I turned to Bam, smiling a little unsurely. “I’m clean man, I mean it, really I am.” And then he realised what we’d never needed words for. And he smiled, and hugged me and I felt like I was home. I had you and I had him. Maybe just as friends but you were both there. You’d said something about going to get everyone, and Bam started to lead me into the house, into his house. But he stopped short, turning to me and getting serious.
“Do you know what you did to him?” He asked, his eyes searing into mine. “You broke him completely, and I’ve spent too long trying to help him get out of this hole. You’re not doing that to him again.” He was protecting you, just like you’d tried to protect me. And I had to respect that.
“Don’t worry Bam; I’m not here for that.” I’d said, it was like picking a part of myself apart and throwing it away, but it had to be done. “I’m sorry for all the shit I did, and I just hope that you’re better for him. I know you are.” He’d smiled weakly and nodded, a clap to my shoulder before he pushed me through the door and into his house, into April’s waiting arms as she showered me in praise and hugs.
I’d spent the rest of the day with you all, catching up, listening to the stories. I’d admitted to watching a few of the episodes from the first season, laughing when Dico mentioned something Vito had done for a bet. And it was almost like I was home. Except home was on the other side of West Chester, and it still smelt like you. And that was home, where we used to live together, where we were together, where our memories are.
I’ll let you stay here and make your memories with him, but I’ll stay there, with my memories of you. And that’s just how it’s got to be.
Archers in your arches,
Raise your fingers for one last salute
And bleed this skyline dry
Your history is mine.
-
End
-
I was actually going to make this really sad and make someone die…but I chickened out, and I’m listening to Bloodhound Gang, so it’s a little hard to be serious.
As always, feedback would be nice.
AN: It’s mainly the chorus of this song which gets me, and that’s all I’m using so, if you want the full song, which is awesome, just download it.
Summary: The end had to come, we were just putting it off.
For caramel_maddy, riorhapsody, fab and so_pseudogoth because no matter what I write they seem to love me. THANKIES!
(I shall take individual requests from each of you. Just give me something to run with and a pairing.)
History
Archers in your arches,
Raise your fingers for one last salute
And bleed this skyline dry
Your history is mine.
I suppose I knew it was coming. I never really expected it to last as long as it did. But you were always there to help, always forgiving, but I know you never forgot.
You knew every time I went out and did it. You knew every time I lied. You knew every time I was so much as tempted. You knew what I did; you knew how I got the hit if I didn’t have the cash. You knew everything, and that’s what made being with you so hard.
You knew, but you accepted me still. You still had me in your arms at night, still whispered those words into my ear as we made love, still meant them. You were always there despite it all and I never noticed how much it was hurting you when I went back on what I said.
Bam would get mad, tell me what I was doing was shit, tell me that my career was going down the drain and by the time that I realised what was going on it would be too late. He had hinted that you would leave me too. But I was too busy thinking about the next hit to really bother about that. I was so stupid to not think about you.
I remember the day you left me so clearly. Usually I can’t remember anything around the haze of my using, but that day was when everything came crashing down. I had come home the night before; I had smelt of alcohol and cum, I knew I did. You’d burnt the clothes I was wearing, simply because they were such a mess that there would be no point in cleaning them. You’d helped me to the loo and then put me to bed, and when I gripped your hand and pleaded for you to stay with me you did. I didn’t realise till afterwards that your eyes were dead, that there was no life in them what so ever.
The next morning I woke up shaking, my body already craving the next hit. You weren’t there and I went in search of you, hoping that you’d help this stop. That was when I saw the cases at the door. My first thought was that you were kicking me out, just like Bam had. I felt my heart speed up and all the thoughts I was trying to hide were coming to the front of my mind. How I’d get a place to stay, who’d take me up on the offer, who I could see about hits. Until I remembered that all my stuff was still on the floor in the room I’d just crawled out of. You walked out of the kitchen, a cell in your hand and sunglasses on your nose.
“The rents paid for the next three months, all the bills are being forwarded to me and I’ll take care of them. I’ve left you some cash on the table.” I realised then that you weren’t kicking me out, but you were leaving. You were leaving your own home, because of me. “Please, don’t spend that on the shit you do.” Your voice was pleading, and I knew I’d hold out on that, for as long as I could anyway.
You placed a small kiss on my lips, gave me a bittersweet smile and left, closing the door behind you. I stood there for a while, watching where you had been, fingers against my lips, trying so hard to cling on to the taste and feel of you. But it left when I licked my lips, all trace of you became a memory, you really cleared up.
Except for two pictures. One sitting face up on the table, in a silver frame. Bam was standing smiling; an arm around Raab on one side, Raab with a strange expression on his face, me on Bam’s other side, placing a kiss on his cheek. After that everyone had made a big fuss about it, Bam acting like he was grossed out, even though he was laughing and hugging me. That was when we were all happy, when I was clean for that short period of time.
The other picture was lying face down, once more in a silver frame. I’d turned it over, hands still shaking a little. It was a fuzzy picture of you and me. Bam had shot it on his camera, he must’ve capped it and printed it for you, but it still made me think back. It was one the behind the scenes of Haggard, when I had swore off drugs forever, and screwed up. You were hugging me but looking at the camera, and your eyes…I could see how scared you were. Scared that I was killing myself, scared that I was going off the deep end, scared that it would be the last time that you would hold me.
I was a royal dick. I felt like nothing but crap.
You’d left me, you’d walked out because I’d screwed up one time too many. I had never noticed how much it hurt you each time I slipped up. It wasn’t even slipping up anymore; it was addiction all over again. I was using just as often as I used to, I just didn’t let you see. But you knew, didn’t you? I’d never seen someone I love do this; I could never really understand what it must’ve been like for you.
I spent three weeks cleaning myself up. I went out one day with the money you left for me and shopped, got random ass food that would keep me going for a while and then locked myself in your house. I didn’t leave; I was determined to do it this time. Whenever I felt the temptation getting too much I’d pick up those two pictures and look at them, thinking about what it was I was losing. Bam’s friendship, your love. It was enough to make me stay there one more day, and then I’d look at them again the next day when I wanted to go out and get a hit. It was like that for three whole weeks. Until I didn’t have the craving.
I went out after the three weeks, went to the store, spent the rest of your money. I sat in a coffee shop and had lunch, feeling like I was just a regular guy, that I wasn’t fighting a heroine addiction, like I hadn’t chased off the only person who’d stood by me no matter what I did. And it felt good, like I could get used to it.
The next day I went down to the skate park. I shredded all day long and I knew you’d have been proud if you’d seen me. Yeah, I screwed up a few times, lost my footing or just fell. But I got back up and skated some more. Some kids even came up to me and asked for an autograph. I felt like I was getting back to my old self again, like I was before the drugs sucked me in. And I wished you’d been there to see it.
I’d bumped into Angie a few days later, she’d said I was looking good, we’d gone out for a coffee and I managed to talk her into telling me where you were. I had thought you’d just moved in with Bam, but Bam had moved too, something about getting his own place, something for the show, I wasn’t really too bothered at the time, but now I was. I wanted to see you; I wanted to show you that I cleaned up, that I had stopped for good.
Angie told me where to go, warned me that some things might’ve changed. She hugged me and gave me a small kiss, kinda like she would when she was over at yours, when you and her were letting people think you were involved. And the look in her eyes, when she looked at me, she looked proud and I felt my heart swell. I’d always liked Angie, more than I liked Jenn. She was cool, she helped, she was a friend. And she was proud of me. It was in her eyes and showed that she was proud of me.
I had borrowed a car from an old buddy, promised I wasn’t going to Baltimore and headed towards where Angie had said Bam was living now. When I pulled up at first I could’ve sworn I’d taken a wrong turn. Until I saw the Hummer, and the mail box. I sat in that car, without heating, thinking everything over and just gripping the steering wheel for ten minutes. Until you walked out into the drive. Pulling a pack of cigarettes out of your pocket and lighting one up.
I watched you smoke the first one, unsure if I could really go through with this or if I should just reverse up and leave your life for good. You looked good, you’d grown out your beard and your hair, it was a little longer, a little scruffier, but it suited you so well. It looked like you’d lost weight too, but you were still built well, still looked so damn good. You were Ryan Dunn, I never thought there was a time you’d ever not look good to me.
I was about to get out the car, to call over to you, show you what I’d done. But then he’d come out, bouncing happily and full of energy. He’d stood behind you, wrapping his arms around your waist and resting his head on your shoulder. And suddenly I realised what Angie had meant. About things being different, some things changing. You had moved on, you had let someone else in, you’d moved on to Bam. I could never compete with Bam, could I? Bam would’ve leave you up every night worrying, Bam wouldn’t make you take care of him all the time when he was too doped up to think straight. Bam was so much better than me, wasn’t he?
I steeled myself for it though, I’d come this far and I’d decided, I had to at least see you and talk to you. Make sure you knew I’d done it finally, that you’d helped me do it, that I owed you so much. I’d gotten out of the car, slamming the door a little so that you knew I was there. Bam had jumped a little, his wide blue eyes darting about a little. He was still Bam, still HIM obsessed, hyperactive, cautious Bam. And you were still Ryan, still laid back, caring and alert Ryan.
You just watched me walk towards you, I knew you were watching to see if I’d stagger or stumble like I usually did, you were seeing how pale I was, if I was shaking. You were checking for all the usual signs. But they weren’t there. Bam was looking between you and me, his eyes a little scared. I realise now what it was he was scared of, he was scared I had come to take you away from him; he was scared that I would be able to take you away from him. But I knew there would be no chance of that. You weren’t that type of person.
When I got all the way to both of you, you looked into my eyes and smiled. Because they were just eyes, they weren’t hazy, they weren’t dilated, they weren’t clouded over. They were just my eyes, eyes you said you loved once. I smiled back and nodded, confirming what you thought, and you just laughed, throwing an arm around my neck and pulling me into a hug. I’d hugged back for all I was worth, enjoying being in your arms just one last time because I knew this was it, this was the last time.
You pulled back first, it had to be, and I turned to Bam, smiling a little unsurely. “I’m clean man, I mean it, really I am.” And then he realised what we’d never needed words for. And he smiled, and hugged me and I felt like I was home. I had you and I had him. Maybe just as friends but you were both there. You’d said something about going to get everyone, and Bam started to lead me into the house, into his house. But he stopped short, turning to me and getting serious.
“Do you know what you did to him?” He asked, his eyes searing into mine. “You broke him completely, and I’ve spent too long trying to help him get out of this hole. You’re not doing that to him again.” He was protecting you, just like you’d tried to protect me. And I had to respect that.
“Don’t worry Bam; I’m not here for that.” I’d said, it was like picking a part of myself apart and throwing it away, but it had to be done. “I’m sorry for all the shit I did, and I just hope that you’re better for him. I know you are.” He’d smiled weakly and nodded, a clap to my shoulder before he pushed me through the door and into his house, into April’s waiting arms as she showered me in praise and hugs.
I’d spent the rest of the day with you all, catching up, listening to the stories. I’d admitted to watching a few of the episodes from the first season, laughing when Dico mentioned something Vito had done for a bet. And it was almost like I was home. Except home was on the other side of West Chester, and it still smelt like you. And that was home, where we used to live together, where we were together, where our memories are.
I’ll let you stay here and make your memories with him, but I’ll stay there, with my memories of you. And that’s just how it’s got to be.
Archers in your arches,
Raise your fingers for one last salute
And bleed this skyline dry
Your history is mine.
-
End
-
I was actually going to make this really sad and make someone die…but I chickened out, and I’m listening to Bloodhound Gang, so it’s a little hard to be serious.
As always, feedback would be nice.