Saiyuki: Chanting Penance
So. My first lemon. And boy what a lemon it is.
Uh.
Yeah, okay, so this is not a nice story. This is not bedtime tale for the kiddies. It is dark, and it is nasty. And. Um. I suck at writing lemons, I've learned.
Title: Chanting Penance
Author: insidiae
Rating: Very much NC-17.
Notes: Hazel was fun to write? Oh God, I don't know. This was started in October, and I'm just finishing it now, so that says something, though I'm not quite sure what. Uh.
Fanfic archive here.
7:10 a.m.
"Kanan!"
Hakkai wakes with a start, blood pounding in his ears and the faded image of a familiar nightmare lingering behind his eyelids. He looks down at his hands, but they are clean, clean as ever, no matter how much blood he is certain they're drenched in.
The mind plays cruel tricks.
Across the remains of a fire, Goku and Gojyo sleep soundly, their snores echoing through the air. It is a sometimes a wonder to Hakkai that they don't get attacked more in their sleep, considering how loud they are (and it is unlike a youkai under the influence of the minus wave to give up a chance at a sneak attack just because it's not civil). On nights like these, however, Hakkai is thankful for the noise the two of them make, noise enough to drown out his own moans and murmurs and shouts as he tosses and turns. Living with Gojyo, back all those years ago, was only tolerable because the hanyou couldn't ask about the bad dreams if he didn't know Hakkai was having them.
Hakuryuu's ears are more sensitive, and being as in tune with Hakkai's feelings as he is, he's very aware of the times when his master is in distress, and almost always wakes up when Hakkai has nightmares. He whines at Hakkai, winds around his arm, licks at his face; Hakkai smiles slightly at the comforting action and pets the dragon's fur in return. Hakuryuu is the only one he's comfortable telling his secrets too, since the animal can't talk back, can't judge, can't remind him of what he wants to forget. He doesn't mind affectionate gestures as long as they don't come with any deeper emotional stipulations.
What he does mind, however, is the intense stare digging into his back like a knife. Without taking his eyes off Hakuryuu, Hakkai murmurs, "I'm quite alright, Sanzo. There's no need to stare at me like that."
There's a noncommittal grunt from behind him, but the stare doesn't alleviate. With a sigh, Hakkai rolls onto his side, fighting a wince as he meets Sanzo's gaze with his own. The priest's eyes, illuminated by the washed out colors of the early morning, are darker than usual, a deep, sunset purple that could burn a man's soul - but then, Hakkai isn't really a man anymore, and quite frankly, he's not even sure he still has a soul. The frown Sanzo wears is deeper than the default scowl he walks around with, full of true annoyance and just a touch of concern.
"You're lying," he growls, frown deepening even further. "Stop living in the goddamn past."
Hakkai almost, almost laughs, because isn't that just rich coming from the man who's on a personal mission to avenge - even if he calls it something else - his murdered master? But Hakkai is polite and isn't the type to laugh at others, so he stops it in his throat. "I assure you, I'm doing the best I can. Though I should think you'd prefer me living in the past than dying in the present." At the glower Sanzo sends him, he smiles softly and continues, "Not that I'm trying to die. I doubt you'd let me, even if I was."
Sanzo says nothing, but his eyes search Hakkai's for some answer that isn't there.
"If I may inquire," the youkai breaks the silence, charming as ever, "While I am grateful for it, it's unusual for you to show such concern, so I can't help but wonder why, with all due respect, you are now."
Sanzo finally breaks his gaze, looking off to the side. "Your crappy whines keep waking me up. Don't be so conceited."
"Ah," Hakkai grins. "No, of course not. Well, I don't think I'll be getting any more sleep, but I wouldn't want to keep you from making up for the time I've stolen from you. I'm going to head to the nearby river to clean up, but you should go back to sleep; I'll come wake you and the others when it's time to get going."
Sanzo snorts, still clearly unsatisfied with Hakkai's attitude, but relenting nonetheless. Obviously convinced that, at least for the time being, he won't try to harm himself, Sanzo closes his eyes and rolls onto his side, back facing Hakkai, trying to let sleep reclaim his always busied mind.
Hakkai watches him with muted eyes, making sure that, unlike the priest, his stare is not intrusive enough to disturb the man. Head tilted to the side, he muses that there wasn't a single answer he could have given that would have made Sanzo happy. The answer he would've wanted to hear would have been a lie and both of them knew it; the truth, on the other hand, would have been too much to deal with. As Hakkai quietly rises, he can't help but think that he truly is selfish.
Without looking back, he heads toward the sound of running water. The river is not his goal, not really; he just wants to get away. The ground passes quickly under his bare feet, and he ignores the sting of stones and pebbles as they dig into his flesh. He just wanders and wanders with no destination in mind and no purpose to his actions.
It's only when he's absolutely certain that he's out of Sanzo's hearing range that Hakkai lets himself laugh at the idiocy of it all.
12:30 p.m.
It's only by coincidence that they run into Hazel and Gato.
Or at least, that's what the bishop claims. Says the two of them were on their way to do some holy work in a village somewhere to the north and had no intention of causing any trouble to Sanzo-han and his quaint little party. Said quaint little party had even less desire to have anything to do with the bizarre and highly obnoxious foreigner, but once their paths crossed, there was little they could do to avoid confrontation. Not that they hadn't tried - and with some fancy driving on Hakkai's part, they almost succeeded. But matters were complicated by an adolescent youkai who had yet to fall under the effects of the minus wave and whose soul Hazel had been dead set on obtaining.
"Because let's face it, Sanzo-han. The little monstrosity is going to lose its mind soon, anyway."
Now skipping over rocks and fallen branches, Hazel tries to chat amiably with Sanzo, all while nimbly dodging the man's bullets. Off to the side, Gojyo, Goku, and Hakkai fend off Gato and a small army of human corpses reanimated with the stolen souls of youkai. Gato has the same melancholic expression he usually gets when he sees Goku, and his fingers hesitate for just fractions of seconds too long over the triggers of his guns to cause any fatal wounds.
The humans are a more complicated matter. Living dead or otherwise, they're not at fault for their existences, and Hakkai can't blame them for their assault anymore than he can blame Gojyo for being a halfbreed. Eventually, he decides on quietly knocking them out, and tells the others to do the same. He has a feeling Gato won't try too hard to harm them.
Once the humans are incapacitated, Gato shouts to Hazel to alert him of the changing situation. Frowning, the cleric flips away and out of Sanzo's immediate range, assessing the situation. The youkai teenager ran off a while ago in the midst of the chaos, and with the humans heaped in an unconscious pile and no other youkai outside of the Sanzo ikkou in sight, there is no longer a reason for Hazel to be hanging around. Calling to Gato, he politely excuses himself and goes on his merry way, leaving the four to clean up the mess.
3:18 p.m.
After deciding to leave the humans where they were with a protective barrier courtesy of Hakkai shielding them, the four continue on to the nearest town. Due to a sudden bout of freezing rain (which is annoying more than anything else), Hakuryuu protests going jeep, and that combined with the short fight with Hazel causes them to arrive later than expected, and all in foul moods.
The inn rests on the edge of the modest town, a welcoming sight to weary travelers. Goku bursts through the door with a shout of relief, Gojyo following shortly behind him, flicking specks of ice and water out of his too-long hair. Sanzo stomps behind them roughly, hand automatically reaching for his gun just in case they should start bickering stupidly over something inane, and Hakkai picks up the rear, Hakuryuu tucked safely in the folds of his tunic.
Alerted by the noise they make, two young women step out from behind the counter. They're both rather pretty; one has tight blonde curls and a small waist, the other a significant bust and a wavy waterfall of deep red hair - and dark blue eyes. Not a hanyou, then. Hakkai can practically hear the word "threesome" ding in Gojyo's head, even as Sanzo slaps down the credit card. "Four rooms. Separate. For the love of the gods, separate."
The redhead smiles in strained apology. "I'm sorry, sir," she amends, even though her face looks as far from regretful as possible. "But I'm afraid the recent bad weather has damaged some of the rooms in the older parts of the building, and the others are being taken up by travelers who are waiting it out. We only have two rooms left."
Sanzo growls quietly, but accepts the keys he's offered. Passing Gojyo, who is showering the petite blond with wave after wave of double entendres, Sanzo grabs Goku by the collar and throws a key at Hakkai.
The brunet catches it with ease and a bemused smile as he watches Sanzo storm out with his monkey dragging behind. Gojyo is still trying to flirt with the blonde girl, who looks more intimidated than interested. However, a little resistance has never stopped Gojyo in his searches for a good lay. Hakkai's generally inclined to just let Gojyo do his thing, but when the busty girl steps in behind the blonde with a scowl, he decides he should probably intervene. "Pleased excuse my friend," he interrupts, pulling on Gojyo's jacket hard enough to make him stumble back a few steps. "He's ever so slightly untactful." Gojyo opens his mouth to protest, but Hakkai's already pulling him away and pushing him towards the stairs. The kappa grumbles, but acquiesces. The night is young.
Hakkai smiles his polite smile and quietly thanks Gojyo for not causing more trouble than necessary. Gojyo dismisses it with a wave of his hand and a, "whatever." Hakkai figures he'll treat his friend to some good beer for being so cooperative, and turns his head back towards the front desk to ask the hostesses to send some up.
The words die in his throat when he sees the two women sharing a kiss that is anything but friendly. And, if he's not mistaken, that's the redhead's hand going up the blonde's shirt-
Oh.
"Oh."
"Hmm?"
"Oh, nothing!" Hakkai quickly covers, placing his hands on Gojyo's shoulders and directing him forward. This is something that shouldn't be intruded upon, and something that Gojyo would most certainly want to. "Just me musing to myself."
Their love may be taboo, but who is Hakkai to judge?
6:05 p.m.
It starts with a youkai attack and ends in a suicide.
"So what are we going to do about that shitty cleric?"
Gojyo frowns (more of a pout, really) from his position squatting over the floor. On the other side of the room, Hakkai leans against the wall, staring pensively out the window. Goku lies spread eagle on his bed, and Sanzo is sitting on his own, legs over the edge and a cigarette in his mouth. "We ignore him," replies the priest blandly, tapping the built-up ash into an ashtray.
"But Sanzo!" Goku protests, limbs flying haphazardly as he rolls onto his side. "We can't just let him kill that youkai!"
Sanzo's fingers itch for his harisen, but instead they go back to the Marlboro. "Look, you stupid ape," he snarls. "How many times do I have to tell you? We're not crusaders of justice. We're on a mission, one that actually has to be completed. We can't stop for every little sob story. Let me remind you, also, that the last time we did that, we all almost fucking died." He pauses in his tirade to allow himself a good glare at Gojyo. He's pretty sure he'll never forgive the cockroach for the Kami-sama incident. "Besides, don't you want to win that idiotic race?"
"Wha?" Goku looks confused, before apprehension dawns on him. "Oh yeah! We're definitely gonna stop the minus wave before he kills all the youkai!"
"Exactly. Which is why we need to keep moving-"
Sanzo's interrupted by the loud crash of the window shattering as nine youkai pile through the opening. Hakkai glances disapprovingly at the shards of glass on the floor and murmurs, "Now that's just tasteless."
"Priest Genjyo Sanzo! You will hand over the Maten-!"
A shot rings through the room and a corpse hits the ground with a thud.
"No, I won't."
The fight is really too easy, though due to the limited space of the room, Hakkai and Gojyo can only do so much. Sanzo and Goku make up for their shortcomings without trouble, however, and the battle lasts all of two minutes.
After throwing the bodies out the hole where a window used to be, Goku plops down on his bed, cross-legged, nyoi-bo across his lap. "These guys suck," he whines. "I miss Kougaiji."
This time the harisen does come out, and connects with Goku's head with a resounding whap! "Don't be a stupid monkey!" Sanzo yells, biting through his cigarette. "We don't need the kind of trouble that-!"
It's at this moment that Sanzo is interrupted for the second time this night, though this time by a very loud, very feminine, very human screech of horror.
"Motherfucker!" Gojyo shouts as he leaps for the door. "It's a second wave! Those peckerheads are going after the humans!"
He's out the door and storming down the hall in an instant, the other three following shortly behind him. By the time Sanzo, Goku, and Hakkai reach the bottom of the stairs, Gojyo is standing with every muscle trembling in rage and cheeks flushed almost as dark as his eyes from anger. Ten youkai corpses lay decapitated on the floor. Two hapless survivors make a run for the door, but Sanzo sends them to the ground with a couple of well-placed bullets through their skulls.
Hakkai surveys the damage. There's about fourteen humans injured, some lightly and others severely, but no casualties that he can spot. A lucky night; these youkai were the type that like to play with their prey before killing them. Oh, but wait...
In the corner, by the staircase, are the two hostesses. The redhead kneels, tears making angry streaks down her face, murmuring something inaudible over and over. In her arms is the blonde, head bent at an unnatural angle and once-vibrant eyes now dull and lifeless. Her small hand still clutches a kitchen knife she had reached for in defense - a knife she had been too scared to use.
Goku looks at the scene with gentle, pitying eyes. He reaches a hand out to the redhead in condolence, but she shrugs it off. "Don't touch me!" she shrieks, even as Goku stumbles backwards in surprise. "I don't want your pity!" Then softer, "I don't want anything." She takes the knife out of her lover's hands and stands on shaky legs. When she's fully erect, the point of the knife is placed directly in front of her right lung.
Hakkai's eyes widen as he realizes her intent. "Wait, miss, please!"
"Zi was pregnant, you know," the redhead continues. She purses her lips and wipes the tears from her eyes with one hand, the other keeping the knife steady at her chest. "She has - had - a friend in the next town over. We asked him if he wouldn't mind, you know, and he did, and she got pregnant. That was ten weeks ago. And we were going to be so happy. If it was a boy, we were going to name him Qiao. If it was a girl, she'd be Xiang." She gulps back a sob and blinks back more tears. "But that doesn't matter now, does it?"
"No, please, no," Hakkai mutters. "Kanan, no. Don't Kanan, please." Sanzo, Gojyo, and Goku remain frozen in varying degrees of shock and terror.
"It doesn't matter now," the redhead smiles sadly.
The knife slides into her body with sickening ease.
"Kanan! Kanan!"
9:15 p.m.
Despite the circumstances, the four of them decide to stay at the inn for the night. Sanzo agrees to read a sutra for the two dead women as payment. He'd prefer to just leave town, honestly - they all would - but it's unlikely that another attack will occur on the same night, and, in any case, they need the beds for the injured humans that Hakkai is healing.
And heal Hakkai does. He heals and heals and heals until Gojyo grabs him by the collar and forcibly pulls him away, chi still draining from fingertips.
The hanyou drags him back to their room and throws him on his bed, threatening to chain him there, if he has to, with the shakujou -
"Which I hear doesn't feel so comfy, ya know?"
- if he doesn't try to get some rest.
"We've already had enough death tonight. I don't need you going off and joining them, especially after I saved your ass a few years ago. That'd just make you an ungrateful bastard."
Hakkai nods dully and folds himself under the covers. With his eyes on the ceiling and Gojyo's on him, he knows he won't be getting any sleep tonight. Not that he'd want it. Even if he could get to sleep, his dreams would be undoubtedly plagued with the ever familiar nightmare of his dead sister. No, he'd rather stay awake.
Tired, irritated, and in denial, Hakkai turns on his side to tell Gojyo - who, honestly, is just as bad as Sanzo - just where he can shove his incessant stare. Gojyo's eyes flash wine red in the moonlight, but it's the emotion they hold that makes Hakkai flinch and return to feigning sleep, rather than confront the other man.
Gojyo cares about him, cares too much about him. His concern crosses the boundary of friendship, and marches way into the territory of paramour. And to be frank, Hakkai's feelings towards Gojyo aren't all that different. It would be easy, so easy, to step over that line, to become lovers, but no matter how much Hakkai may want it, he can never allow himself to have it. It wouldn't be fair - not to himself, and especially not to Gojyo, when he's still sobbing over a love long gone and crying out her name in his sleep.
It wouldn't be right.
It takes Gojyo almost another two hours to fall asleep, but eventually Hakkai can hear his snores reverberate through the room. Quietly, he rises from his bed and picks up Hakuryuu from the wardrobe he's curled upon. The dragon lets out a sleepy mewl, but contentedly winds around his master's arm.
The freezing rain stopped over an hour ago, making it safe for Jeep to travel. If Hakkai's lucky, the trip won't take long.
Hazel couldn't have gotten all that far.
11:59 p.m.
"Hakkai-han."
It takes just under an hour to find Hazel again. The bishop greets him with a too-polite, frigid smile and no sign of real surprise at his presence. Hakuryuu coos from somewhere in the overhead canopy of treetops, unhappy with the tension in the air. Gato is nowhere to be seen, but that's not really shocking - the gargantuan man has a tendency to appear out of nowhere.
"What an unexpected visit."
Hakkai ponders at the feeling of something being off before he realizes that it's the first time Hazel's bothered to call him by his name. It seems that he's being unduly heavy on the pleasantries - even for him - but then, it could just be that without Sanzo's presence, the foreigner has no choice but to address him properly.
"If you're fearful that I've caused some disservice to the youkai child, I assure you I never caught up with it." At the edge of a campfire, Hazel roasts some expensive sausage for a late night snack. "Somehow, however, I don't reckon that's the case, given the fact that you've come here solo. To what do I owe the pleasure? Why are you here?"
"Why am I here?" Hakkai repeats softly. It's a good question. He's not sure of the answer himself. Looking back, he can't figure out for the life of him why he wanted to find Hazel.
"Yes, sir, why are you here?" The bishop smiles charmingly, a carefree smirk that rubs Hakkai all the wrong ways. "Especially with such an inauspicious expression. I do hope that y'all haven't been struck by some misadventure." The blond stands from the ground and takes a bite from the cooked meat before placing it down - on a blanket, where he himself was just kneeling - and wipes the dirt from his robes. "But I'll tell you this much, you look right woeful. What on earth could have happened that you'd solicit even my company? Since, unless I'm mistaken, you never did take to me so well." There's a slight pause as Hazel thinks of something, followed by a small gasp and bright, blue eyes widening in excitement. "Could it be that Sanzo-han has finally left you three behind? Oh! And now y'all need a new holy man to lead you? Well, I'm sorry, Mr. Spectacles, but you know I don't associate myself with youkai, however human they may pretend to be."
"I assure you our relationship is as good as ever," Hakkai replies tersely. The ever-enchanting nicknames are back, he notices, but he decides not to comment. He supposes Hazel's polite attitude could only last so long, anyway. "And if it wasn't, you certainly wouldn't be the one we'd turn to."
"As good as ever?" Hazel laughs. "No wonder you couldn't work your problems out! I don't mean to be rude," he says, even though that is probably his exact intention, "But you four get along like ball-eyed bloody bones." In the dark, Hakkai can't help but notice how the bishop's smile looks more dangerous, and his eyes more piercing. "Or perhaps it's more than that. Perhaps it's something that you couldn't discuss with the others - as Cho Gonou."
Hakkai's eyes widen in shock. "How do you know that name?"
"There's a lot I know about you," Hazel replies blandly. "Know thy enemy - it's one of the basic rules of combat, and while I do hope that I never have to oppose Sanzo-han in any serious manner, you know that if y'all get in my way, I will fight you." He pauses to lift his pendant into his hand, the metal glinting in the cool night air. "Cho Gonou, the youkai slayer. Killed a thousand youkai and lost his humanity in the process." Lips pulling down into a frown, Hazel's eyes harden like the steel in his hand. "And for what? The incestuous lust you harbored for your sister? You disgust me."
Hakkai wants to say, It was more than lust, it was love, it was deep and it was love, Merciful Goddess I loved her so much, but instead he settles on, "I fail to see how it's any of your business."
"See, I'm figurin' that's your problem." Hazel grins his smug grin, pearly white teeth stretching from ear to ear. Hakkai looks up to meet his gaze and is shocked by his close proximity. While he wasn't looking, Hazel closed most of the distance between them, so that they're now standing an arm's length away from each other. "You're biggity, sir. You like to think that you're some great martyr, some repentant sinner, that all you're doing is in order to make amends for your hideous crime, but the truth is that you haven't changed a bit. You killed and killed and killed back then, and you kill and kill and kill right now."
"Don't you think that's rather hypocritical of you to say?" Hakkai bites out, his features twisted into a nasty scowl. He'll admit it - talking about Kanan and his past crimes brings out the worst in him.
A loud smack! fills the silent night sky.
Hakkai raises one hand to his reddening cheek, eyes wide and dazed. Not a foot away from him stands Hazel, holding his left glove in his right hand and glaring furiously. "That is where you are wrong, sir," he seethes. "I don't take away life, I give it back." Pocketing both his gloves, he takes another step forward, too forward. Hakkai's natural instincts tell him to take a step back and reclaim his personal space, but he refuses to back down to Hazel of all people. "Now," the bishop continues, "You know I detest the monsters, but even when I kill them, I make sure their deaths don't go to waste. Every youkai I kill equals one human I save." Snapping one hand out lightning fast, Hazel grasps Hakkai's chin in his fingers. The human-cum-youkai jumps, startled; in this moment, Hazel feels and looks startlingly (disturbingly) like Chin Yisou. "But what do you do? You pile corpse upon corpse and leave them to rot. Don't get me wrong, I think y'all are doing the world a great service, but nothing else comes from it." He tilts his head playfully - he's toying with Hakkai, and it's painfully obvious to the both of them. "That's the difference between you and me; I save, you slaughter."
He smiles tightly as Hakkai slaps his hand away. "I do my job," the green-eyed man counters. "Since you seem to be so smart, you’ll know that it’s what I need to do for my crimes to be forgiven."
Hazel's bark of laughter grates on his ears. "You see, Mr. Spectacles? This is exactly what I'm talking about!" The foreigner's snickers are cruel and unrelenting. "You pretend to be an altruist but you're just as diabolical as the rest of them!" He sniffs and wipes tears from his eyes, quelling his chuckles. "But I understand, Mr. Spectacles, I really do. It's not your fault - well, okay it sort of is, but there's nothing you can do about it now. It's not your fault that Sanzo-han is too good a person to tell you the harsh truth. But allow me to be the voice of reality for you." The grin on Hazel's face is quickly replaced by a cold glower. "You are a brute, sir, a fierce brute. And you are not sorry for it." The smile returns, empty and condescending as ever. "That's why you've come to me. You want to atone for your sins, but everyone you know tells you that you have nothing to be sorry for. They're liars." And there he is again, close to Hakkai, too close. "You have your entire existence to feel guilty over." He grasps Hakkai's face in both his hands, blue eyes staring hard into outraged green. "But don't worry. I'll make you so very sorry."
It's been four years since Hakkai kissed a person, four years of abstinence and isolation from any physical display of love. Hazel's mouth is hot on his own, teeth biting lightly into his lower lip. In his shock, Hakkai tastes the copper tang of blood and realizes a moment later that it is from his own tongue, where he bit down too hard from surprise. Hazel's tongue laps at his lips and Hakkai jumpstarts, quickly stepping back from the bishop.
With the back of his hand, he wipes his mouth. His expression is one of disgust. "What the hell do you think you are doing?" he demands, preparing a ball of chi to throw in Hazel's direction should he try anything. The foreigner laughs at him.
"Why, I'm saving your rotten soul," he replies, and murmurs something under his breath. Hakkai can't hear the words, but he can see Hazel's lips moving and narrows his eyes. The chi in his hands glows brighter. "...I remind myself that I am in Your presence, O Lord," he finishes, and Hakkai's eyes widen once more as he is thrown to the ground by an invisible force.
Hazel is on top of him in seconds, straddling his hips. Hakkai groans in quiet pain and tries to regain his stolen breath. "What...?" he gasps, trying to speak with little success.
"Sanzo-han isn't the only Holy man with Holy powers," Hazel explains dryly as he grasps both Hakkai's wrists and pins them above his head. His other hand rests lightly on Hakkai's neck, a vague threat. With almost casual curiosity, he thrusts his tongue into Hakkai's gaping mouth, ignoring the youkai's muffled protests. Hakkai is thankful when he retreats a short second later, but it is short-lived. Hazel stretches his entire length over Hakkai, blanketing him, and rests his mouth by his ear. "I can taste it, sir," he whispers, nothing more than puffs of air. "It's in all four of you, but I could actually taste it. Beneath the vile taste of youkai and the bittersweet taste of the human you once were, there's something else. Something better." He sits up a bit and sighs, a frustrated pout protruding from his mouth. "Now, I'm not a polytheistic kind of fella, so I can't say I really believe Ukoku-han about what he told me you used to be..." He trails off and Hakkai barely has time to register the name Ukoku and its familiarity (though from where, is beyond him) before Hazel continues, "But I also can't deny that you taste you like Heaven."
"Heaven?" Hakkai repeats incredulously.
"Oh yes, Mr. Spectacles," Hazel croons. "Like the freedom of promised Paradise. I'd gander that y'all are angels. Pitiful, fallen angels. Kicked out of Heaven for some kind of sin that I do dread to think about."
Hakkai chokes on his own breath and barely resists laughing. Now is not the time, nor the place. "Ridiculous," he hisses.
"Could be," Hazel admits, "Or it could simply be a truth you're tryin' to avoid." With a shrug, he moves his hand from Hakkai's neck and begins undoing the buttons of his tunic. Hakkai gapes at him. He can't honestly be thinking...
But he is. Nonchalantly, Hazel pushes the tunic open and up Hakkai's forearms, letting go of his wrists just long enough to remove the article entirely. When nimble fingers reach for the hem of his black undershirt, Hakkai sputters, "Isn't homosexuality proscribed by your religion?"
Hazel pauses then, regarding him oddly. "It is true that homosexuality is generally not the most accepted thing, but these are extenuatin' circumstances." Immediately the hand is back at the hem of Hakkai's shirt, struggling with the surprisingly skin-tight material. "See, I'm tryin' to save you, no matter what you think, and according to the Bible - that's the book of the Lord - there are only three things you can't do in order to save someone. One is to denounce the Lord, and I reckon you could kill me long before I'd do that. The second is to kill another human." He emphasizes the last word to make sure Hakkai understands that youkai have no place in his religion. The brunet understands it readily enough. "I don't plan on havin' any murder tonight."
"And the last?" Hakkai asks out of morbid curiosity.
"That, sir, would be incest."
Hakkai's stomach twists as he thinks of Kanan. He had more love for her than he knew his heart could hold. What is he doing here, betraying her memory? he asks himself, even as Hazel removes his shirt. He shivers suddenly, from cold and fear and anger. What he had with Kanan wasn't wrong. It felt so right, so perfect. It couldn't have been anything but blessed. But this, this is wrong on so many levels. He feels his entire being protesting it; he wants to vomit. He should be fighting more. Why isn't he fighting this?
Hazel pauses, staring blatantly at the scar stretching across Hakkai's abdomen. "I must say I'm impressed," he admits slowly, tracing one finger lightly around its puckered edges. "That's a nasty wound. Looks like it should've been fatal."
"It was," Hakkai whispers. "It killed Cho Gonou."
Hazel blinks. His reply is to push Hakkai's arms harder into the dirt.
"I could break out of this, easily," Hakkai says quietly. It's true; Hakkai's youkai strength far outweighs Hazel's piddling muscle mass, and Gato is nowhere to be seen (thank goodness for that; Hakkai doesn't think he could deal with the bodyguard being audience to this).
"But you won't," Hazel replies confidently, unclasping the cloak around his neck and throwing the heavy material to the side, "Will you?" He leans down and daintily removes Hakkai's monocle, picking it up with his thumb and forefinger and placing it down gently on his discarded robe.
Hakkai opens his mouth to say something, anything, to protest, deny, but Hazel silences his words with another suffocating kiss. Hakkai pants through his nostrils, and some part of him acknowledges that Hazel is right, much to his horror; if he were going to fight Hazel, he would've done it before he lost his shirt. He doesn't contemplate the reasons why, doesn't want to understand the motivations behind his own actions, because he fears what the answer may be.
One of Hazel's hands drifts lazily to his thigh as the bishop rolls his hips down. Hakkai breathes too hard in response, nostrils flaring as he coughs into the kiss. Hazel lifts his head, and for a brief moment, Hakkai thinks that the cleric is being rarely kind and allowing him to recover. He uses the opportunity to take huge, noisy breaths, but then Hazel unceremoniously shoves two fingers into his mouth and he struggles once more not to choke. Hazel grinds against him again, and Hakkai's efforts prove futile.
Hazel ignores Hakkai's inner conflict beautifully, taking advantage of the general state of disarray that the youkai's mind is in to do as he pleases. He trails his free hand up Hakkai's side, brushing fingers lightly against a nipple hardened more from the cold than arousal. Frowning, he says, "You know, this would be easier for both of us if you would just stop fighting this so much. We both know we've gone too far to turn back; you might as well enjoy it."
Hakkai glares scathingly and bites down on the bishop's fingers.
Hazel yelps and removes the digits from the green-eyed man's mouth, placing his hands on his hips. "Well, fine, if that's how you're going to be. Awfully rude of you." Pushing fingers from both hands over Hakkai, Hazel rubs against dark areolae with purpose. Hakkai hates everything about this, but Hazel's left hand is wet, and the sensation of it sliding against his skin leaves him gasping with unwanted pleasure anyway.
Distracted as he is, Hakkai almost misses it when Hazel unbuckles his belt and snaps open his khakis. Almost. Hakkai watches through blurred vision (he misses his monocle, damnit) as his belt goes flying to the side, presumably to join his shirt and tunic, but manages to find his voice again as he feels his zipper being drawn down. "Why are you doing this?"
"...Honestly, sir?" The priest sits back and reaches down, taking off Hakkai's shoes and then his own, placing them, too, on the side. "It's a little too late to be askin' questions like that." He slides back up Hakkai's body, sliding fingers through beltloops. "Now, you'll excuse me if I hurry things along," he says, yanking down Hakkai's pants and underwear simultaneously.
Hakkai shivers in the cold air of the evening, but he doesn't have much time to relax. Almost as soon as he is completely naked, Hazel shoves two fingers up his ass, as delicately and gently as they were shoved in his mouth. Hakkai grunts in discomfort - not quite pain, for over the years Hakkai has taken quite the beating both in and out of battle, traveling as he is with Sanzo and the others, and thus feels only mild soreness where others would feel agony - and instinctively tries to get away from the prodding fingers. The intrusion is not a pleasant sensation, nor is helped by the fact that the saliva - which Hakkai assumes was for lubricating purposes - has already dried, for the most part.
After a minute of scissoring Hakkai's inner walls, Hazel removes his fingers. Over the sounds of harsh panting, the snap of another pair of pants opening echoes in the air, and then Hazel is inside Hakkai, thrusting all the way to the hilt.
Hakkai feels one of his legs thrown over a bony shoulder, and the new stretch this position creates in his thigh is uncomfortable, but he can't bring himself to care. Hazel pistons his hips mercilessly, and Hakkai cries out, though less at the physical pain than the emotional strain. For all his supposed cynicism, all the polite smiles hiding all his hatred and bitterness and self-loathing, Hakkai is a romantic at heart. Raised by nuns and devoted wholly to his sister-lover, he grew up believing that sex is something special that two people completely in love with one another share. Physically, he has been in far greater pain before - after becoming a youkai, after Chin Yisou, after the first fight with Kami-sama, the list goes on and on - but this is different. Hazel clearly feels little more towards Hakkai than disgust and perhaps a small amount of pity, and the feeling is mutual. This sex is empty, loveless, pointless.
This knowledge saddens Hakkai more than he ever would have imagined.
This must be, he thinks, what it feels like to have your heart break.
He tries to drown in memories. He imagines that it is Kanan above him, smiling down at him sweetly, but Hazel grips his chin tightly and forces him back to reality.
"Now, now," the bishop scolds coldly, "Don't be dazin' out on me, Sir. That's just rude." He punctuates each word with a harsh thrust of his hips. "Not to mention, it also defeats the purpose of this. You're supposed to be apologizin', after all. So, Mr. Spectacles, let's go over the list."
Hazel narrows his eyes to a predatory glare, and Hakkai can see death reflected in them when he meets his gaze.
"Repent, nameless angel, for the crimes that had you thrown from Heaven."
Hakkai gasps. Hazel's cock tears into him with even more force than before, and it actually begins to truly burn.
"Repent, Cho Gonou, for the incestuous love you harbored for your sister."
Hazel's fingernails stab into Hakkai's shoulders ruthlessly, creating marks that the healer will have to be sure to hide from Sanzo and the others come morning.
"Repent, vile demon, for the thousand and then some you've murdered in cold blood."
Another thrust, another ache, and Hakkai can feel something building in him, like a sickness.
"Repent, Cho Hakkai, for everything you are."
His orgasm washes over him without him ever realizing he was aroused. There is white everywhere, blinding white in front of eyes and whitenoise rattling in his ears, and it is through sheer will alone that he does not succumb to unconsciousness as it grips at the corners of his mind.
When he comes back to earth, he realizes that Hazel, too, has come, since he can feel his seed within him. The discovery sets Hakkai over the edge, and just managing to turn his head to side, he empties his stomach onto the grass.
Hazel smiles, smarmy, as he pulls out of Hakkai. "Purged in more ways than one, eh, Mr. Spectacles?"
Hakkai silently reaches for his clothes and replaces his monocle on his nose. He fails to share Hazel's good humor.
The blond hums to himself as he watches Hakkai dress. "Do you feel sorry, Sir?" he asks as Hakkai closes the last button on his tunic.
There is pregnant pause as Hakkai gathers his thoughts. "Believe me, Hazel-san," he says finally, "This night has made me regret many, many things."
"I suppose for your kind, that's good enough."
Hakkai doesn't bother to respond. He's so very tired. Weakly, he calls for Hakuryuu.
He just--
He needs to go back now. That is all.
5:46 a.m.
Hakkai crawls back into his bed, exhausted and numb. Droplets of water still cling to his hair from the hasty, but thorough bath he took in a river on his way back to the inn.
After all, he couldn't return smelling like sex. Gojyo would wonder.
Outside, dawn is breaking, beams of soft orange light filtering in through the curtains over the window. The daylight irritates Gojyo, and the hanyou awakes with an annoyed grunt that turns into a hissed curse as he realizes how early it is.
"Ah, fuck," he moans, flipping onto his back. Glancing at the other bed, he asks, "Yo, Hakkai, you up?"
"Yes," Hakkai says. "For a while now." He doesn't look at Gojyo.
"Oh." The redhead frowns, knowing that he should say something, but not having the eloquence to form the words. "Uh, well, since I can see you already showered, I'm just gonna take mine now, 'kay? That way His Almighty Prickness won't shoot us all full of lead for being late."
"You do that, Gojyo."
Again, Gojyo opens his mouth to say something, to reach out to this man who he cares so damn much about, and again he stops himself before he ever really begins. Instead, he gives Hakkai's back a desperate look, pleading for something he doesn't even understand, before turning around, exiting the room, and closing the door softly behind him.
With Gojyo out of the room, Hakkai turns his attention back to the diluted colors of the morning. There's a lot of sunlight for how early it is, promising surprisingly good conditions after the spell of bad weather. It will be a beautiful day.
Hakkai turns on his side and tries to weep for all that he has lost, but somehow, the tears never come.
Comments and criticisms make the authoress happy in her pantolones, especially on this one.
-Insidiae-
Uh.
Yeah, okay, so this is not a nice story. This is not bedtime tale for the kiddies. It is dark, and it is nasty. And. Um. I suck at writing lemons, I've learned.
Title: Chanting Penance
Author: insidiae
Rating: Very much NC-17.
Notes: Hazel was fun to write? Oh God, I don't know. This was started in October, and I'm just finishing it now, so that says something, though I'm not quite sure what. Uh.
Fanfic archive here.
7:10 a.m.
"Kanan!"
Hakkai wakes with a start, blood pounding in his ears and the faded image of a familiar nightmare lingering behind his eyelids. He looks down at his hands, but they are clean, clean as ever, no matter how much blood he is certain they're drenched in.
The mind plays cruel tricks.
Across the remains of a fire, Goku and Gojyo sleep soundly, their snores echoing through the air. It is a sometimes a wonder to Hakkai that they don't get attacked more in their sleep, considering how loud they are (and it is unlike a youkai under the influence of the minus wave to give up a chance at a sneak attack just because it's not civil). On nights like these, however, Hakkai is thankful for the noise the two of them make, noise enough to drown out his own moans and murmurs and shouts as he tosses and turns. Living with Gojyo, back all those years ago, was only tolerable because the hanyou couldn't ask about the bad dreams if he didn't know Hakkai was having them.
Hakuryuu's ears are more sensitive, and being as in tune with Hakkai's feelings as he is, he's very aware of the times when his master is in distress, and almost always wakes up when Hakkai has nightmares. He whines at Hakkai, winds around his arm, licks at his face; Hakkai smiles slightly at the comforting action and pets the dragon's fur in return. Hakuryuu is the only one he's comfortable telling his secrets too, since the animal can't talk back, can't judge, can't remind him of what he wants to forget. He doesn't mind affectionate gestures as long as they don't come with any deeper emotional stipulations.
What he does mind, however, is the intense stare digging into his back like a knife. Without taking his eyes off Hakuryuu, Hakkai murmurs, "I'm quite alright, Sanzo. There's no need to stare at me like that."
There's a noncommittal grunt from behind him, but the stare doesn't alleviate. With a sigh, Hakkai rolls onto his side, fighting a wince as he meets Sanzo's gaze with his own. The priest's eyes, illuminated by the washed out colors of the early morning, are darker than usual, a deep, sunset purple that could burn a man's soul - but then, Hakkai isn't really a man anymore, and quite frankly, he's not even sure he still has a soul. The frown Sanzo wears is deeper than the default scowl he walks around with, full of true annoyance and just a touch of concern.
"You're lying," he growls, frown deepening even further. "Stop living in the goddamn past."
Hakkai almost, almost laughs, because isn't that just rich coming from the man who's on a personal mission to avenge - even if he calls it something else - his murdered master? But Hakkai is polite and isn't the type to laugh at others, so he stops it in his throat. "I assure you, I'm doing the best I can. Though I should think you'd prefer me living in the past than dying in the present." At the glower Sanzo sends him, he smiles softly and continues, "Not that I'm trying to die. I doubt you'd let me, even if I was."
Sanzo says nothing, but his eyes search Hakkai's for some answer that isn't there.
"If I may inquire," the youkai breaks the silence, charming as ever, "While I am grateful for it, it's unusual for you to show such concern, so I can't help but wonder why, with all due respect, you are now."
Sanzo finally breaks his gaze, looking off to the side. "Your crappy whines keep waking me up. Don't be so conceited."
"Ah," Hakkai grins. "No, of course not. Well, I don't think I'll be getting any more sleep, but I wouldn't want to keep you from making up for the time I've stolen from you. I'm going to head to the nearby river to clean up, but you should go back to sleep; I'll come wake you and the others when it's time to get going."
Sanzo snorts, still clearly unsatisfied with Hakkai's attitude, but relenting nonetheless. Obviously convinced that, at least for the time being, he won't try to harm himself, Sanzo closes his eyes and rolls onto his side, back facing Hakkai, trying to let sleep reclaim his always busied mind.
Hakkai watches him with muted eyes, making sure that, unlike the priest, his stare is not intrusive enough to disturb the man. Head tilted to the side, he muses that there wasn't a single answer he could have given that would have made Sanzo happy. The answer he would've wanted to hear would have been a lie and both of them knew it; the truth, on the other hand, would have been too much to deal with. As Hakkai quietly rises, he can't help but think that he truly is selfish.
Without looking back, he heads toward the sound of running water. The river is not his goal, not really; he just wants to get away. The ground passes quickly under his bare feet, and he ignores the sting of stones and pebbles as they dig into his flesh. He just wanders and wanders with no destination in mind and no purpose to his actions.
It's only when he's absolutely certain that he's out of Sanzo's hearing range that Hakkai lets himself laugh at the idiocy of it all.
12:30 p.m.
It's only by coincidence that they run into Hazel and Gato.
Or at least, that's what the bishop claims. Says the two of them were on their way to do some holy work in a village somewhere to the north and had no intention of causing any trouble to Sanzo-han and his quaint little party. Said quaint little party had even less desire to have anything to do with the bizarre and highly obnoxious foreigner, but once their paths crossed, there was little they could do to avoid confrontation. Not that they hadn't tried - and with some fancy driving on Hakkai's part, they almost succeeded. But matters were complicated by an adolescent youkai who had yet to fall under the effects of the minus wave and whose soul Hazel had been dead set on obtaining.
"Because let's face it, Sanzo-han. The little monstrosity is going to lose its mind soon, anyway."
Now skipping over rocks and fallen branches, Hazel tries to chat amiably with Sanzo, all while nimbly dodging the man's bullets. Off to the side, Gojyo, Goku, and Hakkai fend off Gato and a small army of human corpses reanimated with the stolen souls of youkai. Gato has the same melancholic expression he usually gets when he sees Goku, and his fingers hesitate for just fractions of seconds too long over the triggers of his guns to cause any fatal wounds.
The humans are a more complicated matter. Living dead or otherwise, they're not at fault for their existences, and Hakkai can't blame them for their assault anymore than he can blame Gojyo for being a halfbreed. Eventually, he decides on quietly knocking them out, and tells the others to do the same. He has a feeling Gato won't try too hard to harm them.
Once the humans are incapacitated, Gato shouts to Hazel to alert him of the changing situation. Frowning, the cleric flips away and out of Sanzo's immediate range, assessing the situation. The youkai teenager ran off a while ago in the midst of the chaos, and with the humans heaped in an unconscious pile and no other youkai outside of the Sanzo ikkou in sight, there is no longer a reason for Hazel to be hanging around. Calling to Gato, he politely excuses himself and goes on his merry way, leaving the four to clean up the mess.
3:18 p.m.
After deciding to leave the humans where they were with a protective barrier courtesy of Hakkai shielding them, the four continue on to the nearest town. Due to a sudden bout of freezing rain (which is annoying more than anything else), Hakuryuu protests going jeep, and that combined with the short fight with Hazel causes them to arrive later than expected, and all in foul moods.
The inn rests on the edge of the modest town, a welcoming sight to weary travelers. Goku bursts through the door with a shout of relief, Gojyo following shortly behind him, flicking specks of ice and water out of his too-long hair. Sanzo stomps behind them roughly, hand automatically reaching for his gun just in case they should start bickering stupidly over something inane, and Hakkai picks up the rear, Hakuryuu tucked safely in the folds of his tunic.
Alerted by the noise they make, two young women step out from behind the counter. They're both rather pretty; one has tight blonde curls and a small waist, the other a significant bust and a wavy waterfall of deep red hair - and dark blue eyes. Not a hanyou, then. Hakkai can practically hear the word "threesome" ding in Gojyo's head, even as Sanzo slaps down the credit card. "Four rooms. Separate. For the love of the gods, separate."
The redhead smiles in strained apology. "I'm sorry, sir," she amends, even though her face looks as far from regretful as possible. "But I'm afraid the recent bad weather has damaged some of the rooms in the older parts of the building, and the others are being taken up by travelers who are waiting it out. We only have two rooms left."
Sanzo growls quietly, but accepts the keys he's offered. Passing Gojyo, who is showering the petite blond with wave after wave of double entendres, Sanzo grabs Goku by the collar and throws a key at Hakkai.
The brunet catches it with ease and a bemused smile as he watches Sanzo storm out with his monkey dragging behind. Gojyo is still trying to flirt with the blonde girl, who looks more intimidated than interested. However, a little resistance has never stopped Gojyo in his searches for a good lay. Hakkai's generally inclined to just let Gojyo do his thing, but when the busty girl steps in behind the blonde with a scowl, he decides he should probably intervene. "Pleased excuse my friend," he interrupts, pulling on Gojyo's jacket hard enough to make him stumble back a few steps. "He's ever so slightly untactful." Gojyo opens his mouth to protest, but Hakkai's already pulling him away and pushing him towards the stairs. The kappa grumbles, but acquiesces. The night is young.
Hakkai smiles his polite smile and quietly thanks Gojyo for not causing more trouble than necessary. Gojyo dismisses it with a wave of his hand and a, "whatever." Hakkai figures he'll treat his friend to some good beer for being so cooperative, and turns his head back towards the front desk to ask the hostesses to send some up.
The words die in his throat when he sees the two women sharing a kiss that is anything but friendly. And, if he's not mistaken, that's the redhead's hand going up the blonde's shirt-
Oh.
"Oh."
"Hmm?"
"Oh, nothing!" Hakkai quickly covers, placing his hands on Gojyo's shoulders and directing him forward. This is something that shouldn't be intruded upon, and something that Gojyo would most certainly want to. "Just me musing to myself."
Their love may be taboo, but who is Hakkai to judge?
6:05 p.m.
It starts with a youkai attack and ends in a suicide.
"So what are we going to do about that shitty cleric?"
Gojyo frowns (more of a pout, really) from his position squatting over the floor. On the other side of the room, Hakkai leans against the wall, staring pensively out the window. Goku lies spread eagle on his bed, and Sanzo is sitting on his own, legs over the edge and a cigarette in his mouth. "We ignore him," replies the priest blandly, tapping the built-up ash into an ashtray.
"But Sanzo!" Goku protests, limbs flying haphazardly as he rolls onto his side. "We can't just let him kill that youkai!"
Sanzo's fingers itch for his harisen, but instead they go back to the Marlboro. "Look, you stupid ape," he snarls. "How many times do I have to tell you? We're not crusaders of justice. We're on a mission, one that actually has to be completed. We can't stop for every little sob story. Let me remind you, also, that the last time we did that, we all almost fucking died." He pauses in his tirade to allow himself a good glare at Gojyo. He's pretty sure he'll never forgive the cockroach for the Kami-sama incident. "Besides, don't you want to win that idiotic race?"
"Wha?" Goku looks confused, before apprehension dawns on him. "Oh yeah! We're definitely gonna stop the minus wave before he kills all the youkai!"
"Exactly. Which is why we need to keep moving-"
Sanzo's interrupted by the loud crash of the window shattering as nine youkai pile through the opening. Hakkai glances disapprovingly at the shards of glass on the floor and murmurs, "Now that's just tasteless."
"Priest Genjyo Sanzo! You will hand over the Maten-!"
A shot rings through the room and a corpse hits the ground with a thud.
"No, I won't."
The fight is really too easy, though due to the limited space of the room, Hakkai and Gojyo can only do so much. Sanzo and Goku make up for their shortcomings without trouble, however, and the battle lasts all of two minutes.
After throwing the bodies out the hole where a window used to be, Goku plops down on his bed, cross-legged, nyoi-bo across his lap. "These guys suck," he whines. "I miss Kougaiji."
This time the harisen does come out, and connects with Goku's head with a resounding whap! "Don't be a stupid monkey!" Sanzo yells, biting through his cigarette. "We don't need the kind of trouble that-!"
It's at this moment that Sanzo is interrupted for the second time this night, though this time by a very loud, very feminine, very human screech of horror.
"Motherfucker!" Gojyo shouts as he leaps for the door. "It's a second wave! Those peckerheads are going after the humans!"
He's out the door and storming down the hall in an instant, the other three following shortly behind him. By the time Sanzo, Goku, and Hakkai reach the bottom of the stairs, Gojyo is standing with every muscle trembling in rage and cheeks flushed almost as dark as his eyes from anger. Ten youkai corpses lay decapitated on the floor. Two hapless survivors make a run for the door, but Sanzo sends them to the ground with a couple of well-placed bullets through their skulls.
Hakkai surveys the damage. There's about fourteen humans injured, some lightly and others severely, but no casualties that he can spot. A lucky night; these youkai were the type that like to play with their prey before killing them. Oh, but wait...
In the corner, by the staircase, are the two hostesses. The redhead kneels, tears making angry streaks down her face, murmuring something inaudible over and over. In her arms is the blonde, head bent at an unnatural angle and once-vibrant eyes now dull and lifeless. Her small hand still clutches a kitchen knife she had reached for in defense - a knife she had been too scared to use.
Goku looks at the scene with gentle, pitying eyes. He reaches a hand out to the redhead in condolence, but she shrugs it off. "Don't touch me!" she shrieks, even as Goku stumbles backwards in surprise. "I don't want your pity!" Then softer, "I don't want anything." She takes the knife out of her lover's hands and stands on shaky legs. When she's fully erect, the point of the knife is placed directly in front of her right lung.
Hakkai's eyes widen as he realizes her intent. "Wait, miss, please!"
"Zi was pregnant, you know," the redhead continues. She purses her lips and wipes the tears from her eyes with one hand, the other keeping the knife steady at her chest. "She has - had - a friend in the next town over. We asked him if he wouldn't mind, you know, and he did, and she got pregnant. That was ten weeks ago. And we were going to be so happy. If it was a boy, we were going to name him Qiao. If it was a girl, she'd be Xiang." She gulps back a sob and blinks back more tears. "But that doesn't matter now, does it?"
"No, please, no," Hakkai mutters. "Kanan, no. Don't Kanan, please." Sanzo, Gojyo, and Goku remain frozen in varying degrees of shock and terror.
"It doesn't matter now," the redhead smiles sadly.
The knife slides into her body with sickening ease.
"Kanan! Kanan!"
9:15 p.m.
Despite the circumstances, the four of them decide to stay at the inn for the night. Sanzo agrees to read a sutra for the two dead women as payment. He'd prefer to just leave town, honestly - they all would - but it's unlikely that another attack will occur on the same night, and, in any case, they need the beds for the injured humans that Hakkai is healing.
And heal Hakkai does. He heals and heals and heals until Gojyo grabs him by the collar and forcibly pulls him away, chi still draining from fingertips.
The hanyou drags him back to their room and throws him on his bed, threatening to chain him there, if he has to, with the shakujou -
"Which I hear doesn't feel so comfy, ya know?"
- if he doesn't try to get some rest.
"We've already had enough death tonight. I don't need you going off and joining them, especially after I saved your ass a few years ago. That'd just make you an ungrateful bastard."
Hakkai nods dully and folds himself under the covers. With his eyes on the ceiling and Gojyo's on him, he knows he won't be getting any sleep tonight. Not that he'd want it. Even if he could get to sleep, his dreams would be undoubtedly plagued with the ever familiar nightmare of his dead sister. No, he'd rather stay awake.
Tired, irritated, and in denial, Hakkai turns on his side to tell Gojyo - who, honestly, is just as bad as Sanzo - just where he can shove his incessant stare. Gojyo's eyes flash wine red in the moonlight, but it's the emotion they hold that makes Hakkai flinch and return to feigning sleep, rather than confront the other man.
Gojyo cares about him, cares too much about him. His concern crosses the boundary of friendship, and marches way into the territory of paramour. And to be frank, Hakkai's feelings towards Gojyo aren't all that different. It would be easy, so easy, to step over that line, to become lovers, but no matter how much Hakkai may want it, he can never allow himself to have it. It wouldn't be fair - not to himself, and especially not to Gojyo, when he's still sobbing over a love long gone and crying out her name in his sleep.
It wouldn't be right.
It takes Gojyo almost another two hours to fall asleep, but eventually Hakkai can hear his snores reverberate through the room. Quietly, he rises from his bed and picks up Hakuryuu from the wardrobe he's curled upon. The dragon lets out a sleepy mewl, but contentedly winds around his master's arm.
The freezing rain stopped over an hour ago, making it safe for Jeep to travel. If Hakkai's lucky, the trip won't take long.
Hazel couldn't have gotten all that far.
11:59 p.m.
"Hakkai-han."
It takes just under an hour to find Hazel again. The bishop greets him with a too-polite, frigid smile and no sign of real surprise at his presence. Hakuryuu coos from somewhere in the overhead canopy of treetops, unhappy with the tension in the air. Gato is nowhere to be seen, but that's not really shocking - the gargantuan man has a tendency to appear out of nowhere.
"What an unexpected visit."
Hakkai ponders at the feeling of something being off before he realizes that it's the first time Hazel's bothered to call him by his name. It seems that he's being unduly heavy on the pleasantries - even for him - but then, it could just be that without Sanzo's presence, the foreigner has no choice but to address him properly.
"If you're fearful that I've caused some disservice to the youkai child, I assure you I never caught up with it." At the edge of a campfire, Hazel roasts some expensive sausage for a late night snack. "Somehow, however, I don't reckon that's the case, given the fact that you've come here solo. To what do I owe the pleasure? Why are you here?"
"Why am I here?" Hakkai repeats softly. It's a good question. He's not sure of the answer himself. Looking back, he can't figure out for the life of him why he wanted to find Hazel.
"Yes, sir, why are you here?" The bishop smiles charmingly, a carefree smirk that rubs Hakkai all the wrong ways. "Especially with such an inauspicious expression. I do hope that y'all haven't been struck by some misadventure." The blond stands from the ground and takes a bite from the cooked meat before placing it down - on a blanket, where he himself was just kneeling - and wipes the dirt from his robes. "But I'll tell you this much, you look right woeful. What on earth could have happened that you'd solicit even my company? Since, unless I'm mistaken, you never did take to me so well." There's a slight pause as Hazel thinks of something, followed by a small gasp and bright, blue eyes widening in excitement. "Could it be that Sanzo-han has finally left you three behind? Oh! And now y'all need a new holy man to lead you? Well, I'm sorry, Mr. Spectacles, but you know I don't associate myself with youkai, however human they may pretend to be."
"I assure you our relationship is as good as ever," Hakkai replies tersely. The ever-enchanting nicknames are back, he notices, but he decides not to comment. He supposes Hazel's polite attitude could only last so long, anyway. "And if it wasn't, you certainly wouldn't be the one we'd turn to."
"As good as ever?" Hazel laughs. "No wonder you couldn't work your problems out! I don't mean to be rude," he says, even though that is probably his exact intention, "But you four get along like ball-eyed bloody bones." In the dark, Hakkai can't help but notice how the bishop's smile looks more dangerous, and his eyes more piercing. "Or perhaps it's more than that. Perhaps it's something that you couldn't discuss with the others - as Cho Gonou."
Hakkai's eyes widen in shock. "How do you know that name?"
"There's a lot I know about you," Hazel replies blandly. "Know thy enemy - it's one of the basic rules of combat, and while I do hope that I never have to oppose Sanzo-han in any serious manner, you know that if y'all get in my way, I will fight you." He pauses to lift his pendant into his hand, the metal glinting in the cool night air. "Cho Gonou, the youkai slayer. Killed a thousand youkai and lost his humanity in the process." Lips pulling down into a frown, Hazel's eyes harden like the steel in his hand. "And for what? The incestuous lust you harbored for your sister? You disgust me."
Hakkai wants to say, It was more than lust, it was love, it was deep and it was love, Merciful Goddess I loved her so much, but instead he settles on, "I fail to see how it's any of your business."
"See, I'm figurin' that's your problem." Hazel grins his smug grin, pearly white teeth stretching from ear to ear. Hakkai looks up to meet his gaze and is shocked by his close proximity. While he wasn't looking, Hazel closed most of the distance between them, so that they're now standing an arm's length away from each other. "You're biggity, sir. You like to think that you're some great martyr, some repentant sinner, that all you're doing is in order to make amends for your hideous crime, but the truth is that you haven't changed a bit. You killed and killed and killed back then, and you kill and kill and kill right now."
"Don't you think that's rather hypocritical of you to say?" Hakkai bites out, his features twisted into a nasty scowl. He'll admit it - talking about Kanan and his past crimes brings out the worst in him.
A loud smack! fills the silent night sky.
Hakkai raises one hand to his reddening cheek, eyes wide and dazed. Not a foot away from him stands Hazel, holding his left glove in his right hand and glaring furiously. "That is where you are wrong, sir," he seethes. "I don't take away life, I give it back." Pocketing both his gloves, he takes another step forward, too forward. Hakkai's natural instincts tell him to take a step back and reclaim his personal space, but he refuses to back down to Hazel of all people. "Now," the bishop continues, "You know I detest the monsters, but even when I kill them, I make sure their deaths don't go to waste. Every youkai I kill equals one human I save." Snapping one hand out lightning fast, Hazel grasps Hakkai's chin in his fingers. The human-cum-youkai jumps, startled; in this moment, Hazel feels and looks startlingly (disturbingly) like Chin Yisou. "But what do you do? You pile corpse upon corpse and leave them to rot. Don't get me wrong, I think y'all are doing the world a great service, but nothing else comes from it." He tilts his head playfully - he's toying with Hakkai, and it's painfully obvious to the both of them. "That's the difference between you and me; I save, you slaughter."
He smiles tightly as Hakkai slaps his hand away. "I do my job," the green-eyed man counters. "Since you seem to be so smart, you’ll know that it’s what I need to do for my crimes to be forgiven."
Hazel's bark of laughter grates on his ears. "You see, Mr. Spectacles? This is exactly what I'm talking about!" The foreigner's snickers are cruel and unrelenting. "You pretend to be an altruist but you're just as diabolical as the rest of them!" He sniffs and wipes tears from his eyes, quelling his chuckles. "But I understand, Mr. Spectacles, I really do. It's not your fault - well, okay it sort of is, but there's nothing you can do about it now. It's not your fault that Sanzo-han is too good a person to tell you the harsh truth. But allow me to be the voice of reality for you." The grin on Hazel's face is quickly replaced by a cold glower. "You are a brute, sir, a fierce brute. And you are not sorry for it." The smile returns, empty and condescending as ever. "That's why you've come to me. You want to atone for your sins, but everyone you know tells you that you have nothing to be sorry for. They're liars." And there he is again, close to Hakkai, too close. "You have your entire existence to feel guilty over." He grasps Hakkai's face in both his hands, blue eyes staring hard into outraged green. "But don't worry. I'll make you so very sorry."
It's been four years since Hakkai kissed a person, four years of abstinence and isolation from any physical display of love. Hazel's mouth is hot on his own, teeth biting lightly into his lower lip. In his shock, Hakkai tastes the copper tang of blood and realizes a moment later that it is from his own tongue, where he bit down too hard from surprise. Hazel's tongue laps at his lips and Hakkai jumpstarts, quickly stepping back from the bishop.
With the back of his hand, he wipes his mouth. His expression is one of disgust. "What the hell do you think you are doing?" he demands, preparing a ball of chi to throw in Hazel's direction should he try anything. The foreigner laughs at him.
"Why, I'm saving your rotten soul," he replies, and murmurs something under his breath. Hakkai can't hear the words, but he can see Hazel's lips moving and narrows his eyes. The chi in his hands glows brighter. "...I remind myself that I am in Your presence, O Lord," he finishes, and Hakkai's eyes widen once more as he is thrown to the ground by an invisible force.
Hazel is on top of him in seconds, straddling his hips. Hakkai groans in quiet pain and tries to regain his stolen breath. "What...?" he gasps, trying to speak with little success.
"Sanzo-han isn't the only Holy man with Holy powers," Hazel explains dryly as he grasps both Hakkai's wrists and pins them above his head. His other hand rests lightly on Hakkai's neck, a vague threat. With almost casual curiosity, he thrusts his tongue into Hakkai's gaping mouth, ignoring the youkai's muffled protests. Hakkai is thankful when he retreats a short second later, but it is short-lived. Hazel stretches his entire length over Hakkai, blanketing him, and rests his mouth by his ear. "I can taste it, sir," he whispers, nothing more than puffs of air. "It's in all four of you, but I could actually taste it. Beneath the vile taste of youkai and the bittersweet taste of the human you once were, there's something else. Something better." He sits up a bit and sighs, a frustrated pout protruding from his mouth. "Now, I'm not a polytheistic kind of fella, so I can't say I really believe Ukoku-han about what he told me you used to be..." He trails off and Hakkai barely has time to register the name Ukoku and its familiarity (though from where, is beyond him) before Hazel continues, "But I also can't deny that you taste you like Heaven."
"Heaven?" Hakkai repeats incredulously.
"Oh yes, Mr. Spectacles," Hazel croons. "Like the freedom of promised Paradise. I'd gander that y'all are angels. Pitiful, fallen angels. Kicked out of Heaven for some kind of sin that I do dread to think about."
Hakkai chokes on his own breath and barely resists laughing. Now is not the time, nor the place. "Ridiculous," he hisses.
"Could be," Hazel admits, "Or it could simply be a truth you're tryin' to avoid." With a shrug, he moves his hand from Hakkai's neck and begins undoing the buttons of his tunic. Hakkai gapes at him. He can't honestly be thinking...
But he is. Nonchalantly, Hazel pushes the tunic open and up Hakkai's forearms, letting go of his wrists just long enough to remove the article entirely. When nimble fingers reach for the hem of his black undershirt, Hakkai sputters, "Isn't homosexuality proscribed by your religion?"
Hazel pauses then, regarding him oddly. "It is true that homosexuality is generally not the most accepted thing, but these are extenuatin' circumstances." Immediately the hand is back at the hem of Hakkai's shirt, struggling with the surprisingly skin-tight material. "See, I'm tryin' to save you, no matter what you think, and according to the Bible - that's the book of the Lord - there are only three things you can't do in order to save someone. One is to denounce the Lord, and I reckon you could kill me long before I'd do that. The second is to kill another human." He emphasizes the last word to make sure Hakkai understands that youkai have no place in his religion. The brunet understands it readily enough. "I don't plan on havin' any murder tonight."
"And the last?" Hakkai asks out of morbid curiosity.
"That, sir, would be incest."
Hakkai's stomach twists as he thinks of Kanan. He had more love for her than he knew his heart could hold. What is he doing here, betraying her memory? he asks himself, even as Hazel removes his shirt. He shivers suddenly, from cold and fear and anger. What he had with Kanan wasn't wrong. It felt so right, so perfect. It couldn't have been anything but blessed. But this, this is wrong on so many levels. He feels his entire being protesting it; he wants to vomit. He should be fighting more. Why isn't he fighting this?
Hazel pauses, staring blatantly at the scar stretching across Hakkai's abdomen. "I must say I'm impressed," he admits slowly, tracing one finger lightly around its puckered edges. "That's a nasty wound. Looks like it should've been fatal."
"It was," Hakkai whispers. "It killed Cho Gonou."
Hazel blinks. His reply is to push Hakkai's arms harder into the dirt.
"I could break out of this, easily," Hakkai says quietly. It's true; Hakkai's youkai strength far outweighs Hazel's piddling muscle mass, and Gato is nowhere to be seen (thank goodness for that; Hakkai doesn't think he could deal with the bodyguard being audience to this).
"But you won't," Hazel replies confidently, unclasping the cloak around his neck and throwing the heavy material to the side, "Will you?" He leans down and daintily removes Hakkai's monocle, picking it up with his thumb and forefinger and placing it down gently on his discarded robe.
Hakkai opens his mouth to say something, anything, to protest, deny, but Hazel silences his words with another suffocating kiss. Hakkai pants through his nostrils, and some part of him acknowledges that Hazel is right, much to his horror; if he were going to fight Hazel, he would've done it before he lost his shirt. He doesn't contemplate the reasons why, doesn't want to understand the motivations behind his own actions, because he fears what the answer may be.
One of Hazel's hands drifts lazily to his thigh as the bishop rolls his hips down. Hakkai breathes too hard in response, nostrils flaring as he coughs into the kiss. Hazel lifts his head, and for a brief moment, Hakkai thinks that the cleric is being rarely kind and allowing him to recover. He uses the opportunity to take huge, noisy breaths, but then Hazel unceremoniously shoves two fingers into his mouth and he struggles once more not to choke. Hazel grinds against him again, and Hakkai's efforts prove futile.
Hazel ignores Hakkai's inner conflict beautifully, taking advantage of the general state of disarray that the youkai's mind is in to do as he pleases. He trails his free hand up Hakkai's side, brushing fingers lightly against a nipple hardened more from the cold than arousal. Frowning, he says, "You know, this would be easier for both of us if you would just stop fighting this so much. We both know we've gone too far to turn back; you might as well enjoy it."
Hakkai glares scathingly and bites down on the bishop's fingers.
Hazel yelps and removes the digits from the green-eyed man's mouth, placing his hands on his hips. "Well, fine, if that's how you're going to be. Awfully rude of you." Pushing fingers from both hands over Hakkai, Hazel rubs against dark areolae with purpose. Hakkai hates everything about this, but Hazel's left hand is wet, and the sensation of it sliding against his skin leaves him gasping with unwanted pleasure anyway.
Distracted as he is, Hakkai almost misses it when Hazel unbuckles his belt and snaps open his khakis. Almost. Hakkai watches through blurred vision (he misses his monocle, damnit) as his belt goes flying to the side, presumably to join his shirt and tunic, but manages to find his voice again as he feels his zipper being drawn down. "Why are you doing this?"
"...Honestly, sir?" The priest sits back and reaches down, taking off Hakkai's shoes and then his own, placing them, too, on the side. "It's a little too late to be askin' questions like that." He slides back up Hakkai's body, sliding fingers through beltloops. "Now, you'll excuse me if I hurry things along," he says, yanking down Hakkai's pants and underwear simultaneously.
Hakkai shivers in the cold air of the evening, but he doesn't have much time to relax. Almost as soon as he is completely naked, Hazel shoves two fingers up his ass, as delicately and gently as they were shoved in his mouth. Hakkai grunts in discomfort - not quite pain, for over the years Hakkai has taken quite the beating both in and out of battle, traveling as he is with Sanzo and the others, and thus feels only mild soreness where others would feel agony - and instinctively tries to get away from the prodding fingers. The intrusion is not a pleasant sensation, nor is helped by the fact that the saliva - which Hakkai assumes was for lubricating purposes - has already dried, for the most part.
After a minute of scissoring Hakkai's inner walls, Hazel removes his fingers. Over the sounds of harsh panting, the snap of another pair of pants opening echoes in the air, and then Hazel is inside Hakkai, thrusting all the way to the hilt.
Hakkai feels one of his legs thrown over a bony shoulder, and the new stretch this position creates in his thigh is uncomfortable, but he can't bring himself to care. Hazel pistons his hips mercilessly, and Hakkai cries out, though less at the physical pain than the emotional strain. For all his supposed cynicism, all the polite smiles hiding all his hatred and bitterness and self-loathing, Hakkai is a romantic at heart. Raised by nuns and devoted wholly to his sister-lover, he grew up believing that sex is something special that two people completely in love with one another share. Physically, he has been in far greater pain before - after becoming a youkai, after Chin Yisou, after the first fight with Kami-sama, the list goes on and on - but this is different. Hazel clearly feels little more towards Hakkai than disgust and perhaps a small amount of pity, and the feeling is mutual. This sex is empty, loveless, pointless.
This knowledge saddens Hakkai more than he ever would have imagined.
This must be, he thinks, what it feels like to have your heart break.
He tries to drown in memories. He imagines that it is Kanan above him, smiling down at him sweetly, but Hazel grips his chin tightly and forces him back to reality.
"Now, now," the bishop scolds coldly, "Don't be dazin' out on me, Sir. That's just rude." He punctuates each word with a harsh thrust of his hips. "Not to mention, it also defeats the purpose of this. You're supposed to be apologizin', after all. So, Mr. Spectacles, let's go over the list."
Hazel narrows his eyes to a predatory glare, and Hakkai can see death reflected in them when he meets his gaze.
"Repent, nameless angel, for the crimes that had you thrown from Heaven."
Hakkai gasps. Hazel's cock tears into him with even more force than before, and it actually begins to truly burn.
"Repent, Cho Gonou, for the incestuous love you harbored for your sister."
Hazel's fingernails stab into Hakkai's shoulders ruthlessly, creating marks that the healer will have to be sure to hide from Sanzo and the others come morning.
"Repent, vile demon, for the thousand and then some you've murdered in cold blood."
Another thrust, another ache, and Hakkai can feel something building in him, like a sickness.
"Repent, Cho Hakkai, for everything you are."
His orgasm washes over him without him ever realizing he was aroused. There is white everywhere, blinding white in front of eyes and whitenoise rattling in his ears, and it is through sheer will alone that he does not succumb to unconsciousness as it grips at the corners of his mind.
When he comes back to earth, he realizes that Hazel, too, has come, since he can feel his seed within him. The discovery sets Hakkai over the edge, and just managing to turn his head to side, he empties his stomach onto the grass.
Hazel smiles, smarmy, as he pulls out of Hakkai. "Purged in more ways than one, eh, Mr. Spectacles?"
Hakkai silently reaches for his clothes and replaces his monocle on his nose. He fails to share Hazel's good humor.
The blond hums to himself as he watches Hakkai dress. "Do you feel sorry, Sir?" he asks as Hakkai closes the last button on his tunic.
There is pregnant pause as Hakkai gathers his thoughts. "Believe me, Hazel-san," he says finally, "This night has made me regret many, many things."
"I suppose for your kind, that's good enough."
Hakkai doesn't bother to respond. He's so very tired. Weakly, he calls for Hakuryuu.
He just--
He needs to go back now. That is all.
5:46 a.m.
Hakkai crawls back into his bed, exhausted and numb. Droplets of water still cling to his hair from the hasty, but thorough bath he took in a river on his way back to the inn.
After all, he couldn't return smelling like sex. Gojyo would wonder.
Outside, dawn is breaking, beams of soft orange light filtering in through the curtains over the window. The daylight irritates Gojyo, and the hanyou awakes with an annoyed grunt that turns into a hissed curse as he realizes how early it is.
"Ah, fuck," he moans, flipping onto his back. Glancing at the other bed, he asks, "Yo, Hakkai, you up?"
"Yes," Hakkai says. "For a while now." He doesn't look at Gojyo.
"Oh." The redhead frowns, knowing that he should say something, but not having the eloquence to form the words. "Uh, well, since I can see you already showered, I'm just gonna take mine now, 'kay? That way His Almighty Prickness won't shoot us all full of lead for being late."
"You do that, Gojyo."
Again, Gojyo opens his mouth to say something, to reach out to this man who he cares so damn much about, and again he stops himself before he ever really begins. Instead, he gives Hakkai's back a desperate look, pleading for something he doesn't even understand, before turning around, exiting the room, and closing the door softly behind him.
With Gojyo out of the room, Hakkai turns his attention back to the diluted colors of the morning. There's a lot of sunlight for how early it is, promising surprisingly good conditions after the spell of bad weather. It will be a beautiful day.
Hakkai turns on his side and tries to weep for all that he has lost, but somehow, the tears never come.
Comments and criticisms make the authoress happy in her pantolones, especially on this one.
-Insidiae-