Almost a year ago...

[insidemymind]

Tomorrow is 1 year since my nephew died. I dont know how i should feel but I feel everything. I wanna cry I wanna scream and I wanna be mad at him but I cant. His 27th birthday was back in oct. I dont think much anybody remembered but me an his sister. Things have changed in a big way since he died. Our family isnt much of a family anymore, we arnt much of anything anymore. I dont talk to his sister anymore like I used to and we dont hang out either. His mom got so depressed that shes in assisted living now. I got extreamly suicdal more so then I already was. My cutting got worse too has well has my addiction to medication. My mom isnt the same either. Lately Ive been having dreams about him or Id wake up randomly and swear to go I could see him in my room. I think about him all the time and how things used to be. He promised me that he wouldnt leave here and that hed take care of me when my mom was being a bitch or when she was in the hospital. He always made sure I was doing good in school an was the best that i could be. Since he has been gone I failed my junior year and now im failing it again. Everything is just so not right anymore nothing is good and the family just dosnt exist at all. No more getting together for holidays or birthdays or just having fun. What makes things even worse is my grandma is gonna die really soon. Life just isnt for me. I have nothing good. My birth mom dosnt want me my birth dad is never around my adopted mom just acts like things are great I hardly ever get to see my sister and my boyfriend is 5hours away an i feel like i have no friends. I stay confined in my bedroom only leaving it when i have to. Even my teacher can tell Im not ok. I just dont know about anything anymore. They used to say there is always tomorrow, thats the biggest lie.

R.I.P Clifton Michael Dixion 10-15-1979 to 1-25-06