(no subject)
so i tried listening to someone's advice about my dad, and i just couldn't bring myself to do it. i had the email all written up, explaining how angry i was, but how sad i was too. it ended up being 12 years worth of pain and confusion that i had been holding inside. i told him why i hated him, and i told him why i loved him. i explained my goals in life, and what i was going through now. in the end, i deleted it. how do you bring someone back into your life, after 12 years of ignoring him, and pushing him away, and telling him what a jerk he was? in a way i feel like i've been the jerk, i didn't realize that my dad has been doing nothing but trying to make it up to me, but because of my own selfishness, i wanted nothing to do with it.
sometimes i want to call him and tell him i'm sorry, and that i love him, and that i never meant the stupid things i said. some days i feel as if he was a traitor, and never really cared enough to call and say i love you. deep inside i know my dad loves me, yet i can't seem to get over the hurt and anger i feel towards him. i feel as if he should be more involved in my life. i never had a dad to run to, when my mom and i were fighting. i never had a dad to protect me and threaten my stupid boyfriends, about how to treat his little girl. what scared me the most was when i almost got married, i realized i had no one to walk me down the isle and give me away. i believe my dad is a missing piece in my broken heart. talking to my dad, won't fix my broken heart, or take away all the bad that has happened, but it would be a start. i remember when i saw my dad years ago.. i didn't even recognize who he was.. i just kinda sat there and waited for a stranger to approach me. even then i felt distant from him, like it just didn't fit, but the moment i had to leave i just cried my eyes out. i didn't want to leave. it felt like someone was sucking the life from me, and i couldn't breathe. should i forgive him for everything he's done? yeah i probably should, but i can't seem to find the strength to even send an email. even if i sent an "i'm sorry" my dad would understand, because he loves me.. but i just don't feel its enough. how do you fix 12 years of heart ache..in a one page email?
sometimes i want to call him and tell him i'm sorry, and that i love him, and that i never meant the stupid things i said. some days i feel as if he was a traitor, and never really cared enough to call and say i love you. deep inside i know my dad loves me, yet i can't seem to get over the hurt and anger i feel towards him. i feel as if he should be more involved in my life. i never had a dad to run to, when my mom and i were fighting. i never had a dad to protect me and threaten my stupid boyfriends, about how to treat his little girl. what scared me the most was when i almost got married, i realized i had no one to walk me down the isle and give me away. i believe my dad is a missing piece in my broken heart. talking to my dad, won't fix my broken heart, or take away all the bad that has happened, but it would be a start. i remember when i saw my dad years ago.. i didn't even recognize who he was.. i just kinda sat there and waited for a stranger to approach me. even then i felt distant from him, like it just didn't fit, but the moment i had to leave i just cried my eyes out. i didn't want to leave. it felt like someone was sucking the life from me, and i couldn't breathe. should i forgive him for everything he's done? yeah i probably should, but i can't seem to find the strength to even send an email. even if i sent an "i'm sorry" my dad would understand, because he loves me.. but i just don't feel its enough. how do you fix 12 years of heart ache..in a one page email?