[Gazette] Extrication Futile (1/1)
Title: Extrication Futile
Genres: Introspection, Angst & Drama
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: One swear word & possible but unintended vagueness.
Pairing: Reita x Kai
Synopsis: No way out.
Comments: This is the result of almost two years' worth of brainstorming + drafting + shelving and 4 months of finalizing + editing. Additionally, this was supposed to be reserved for another fandom, so I'm not really sure how things ended up like this. *scratches back of head* Lastly, this is an experimental piece, so despite the many flaws this may possibly contain I hope that it's still up to par. *smiles nervously*
Disclaimer: They own themselves and I own myself. Fair enough.
First love never dies, but true love can bury it alive.
- =:+:= -
Kai sits and waits in the living room. Patiently-perpetually-like an art that’s been practiced and honed for years on end. (But it has only taken him months to master this. He isn’t a fast learner for nothing.)
There are times Kai knocks on the door of Reita’s apartment but receives no answer. When that happens, he takes the liberty to enter the place and look around in hopes of finding him. If he can’t, he sorts to sitting on the living room sofa to wait.
This is one of those times.
And like all the other times, Reita emerges from the bathroom after who-knows-how-long he has been staying there (minutes, hours, maybe even half a day). One look at his face tells Kai the same old story he has come to be familiar with for as long as he can remember: that Reita has been crying, that Reita has been grieving-still, despite his claims of being fine and having moved on.
“Hello. Have you been waiting?” are always the first words that come out from Reita’s mouth as he wills his lips to curve into a smile.
And Kai always answers no, of course not, when in fact he has been waiting for him not only today, yesterday, the other day, or the other week but for so, so long already he sometimes forgets the reason why he is still here waiting.
- =:+:= -
Sometimes Reita suddenly spaces out or abruptly stops walking when they are in town (on a date-or so Kai likes to think). Then he will look around, left and right, across the street or from shop to shop. Frantically, as if what (who) he is looking for is of utmost importance.
“Is something wrong?”
“I…” Reita pauses as if considering his words. “I just thought I saw someone familiar.”
Kai only nods at this and they resume their activities. Even if deep inside he is insulted and furious and screaming-
Why still pine for someone already taken from you?
- =:+:= -
One day, Kai decides to teach himself how to fold paper roses. Just to have something to do while waiting (and waiting and waiting and endlessly waiting).
He finds it a chore to go to the flower shop every how-many-days or so to replace the dried up flowers if he decides to get the real thing; ergo, paper roses. At least the fake counterparts don’t need much care and attention, don’t dry up and die. Once they are folded and put on display they stay as they are: never fading, never changing, all the same.
- =:+:= -
“Why don’t you fold paper cranes instead?”
Reita asks this out of the blue Kai is almost uncertain if the question has really come from him.
“Everybody does that. I want to do something different.”
“What does it mean?”
“What do you mean?”
“Folding a thousand paper cranes mean you want something to come true.” Reita states. “Is it the same thing when folding paper roses? Is there a wish you want badly to come true?”
Kai is torn between beating him to a bloody pulp and storming out of the place.
But because he is the kind (of) person that he is, he merely smiles and says:
“I don’t believe in making wishes. You only do that when you think what you desire is beyond your reach and can only be attained through a miracle.”
Besides, it’s like an indirect way of accepting defeat.
(And defeat isn’t something he wants to rub further to his own face.)
- =:+:= -
Kai offers himself to Reita one night.
And Reita fervently refuses. (It’s a subtle form of rejection.) Says that Kai mustn’t be impulsive when it comes to these things, adds that he will only do it with someone he loves.
Kai asks if Reita hasn’t tried to love him all this time. (Not even once?)
Reita immediately looks out the window and expresses his admiration for the gibbous moon as if avoiding the subject. (It’s a rare occurrence.)
- =:+:= -
First love never dies, but true love can bury it alive.
Repeat.
First love never dies, but true love can bury it alive.
Repeat.
First love ne-
Kai buries his face in the pillow and screams.
- =:+:= -
Kai watches Reita sleep peacefully. It’s been a while since he’s been left alone by sad dreams made up of painful partings and love lost.
He reaches out, stops; decides not to touch him. Something in his chest constricts, and suddenly it’s a little more painful to breathe.
Especially when Reita murmurs a name in his slumber-which, sadly, is not his own.
- =:+:= -
Will I (n)ever be enough?
- =:+:= -
Never fading, never changing, all the same.
Now that Kai thinks about it, those descriptions seem more appropriate for their situation compared to the fake flowers he makes.
Because if Reita’s memories (of That Dead Person) will never fade, this situation of theirs will never change, and everything will just remain the same-
as broken, as fucked up, as hopeless as always.
- =:+:= -
What if it’s you who falls first into the pit where (your) True Love is suppose to bury (his) First Love?
- =:+:= -
Reita wakes up one morning to the cold breeze caressing his skin and the sight of Kai sitting on the window ledge. A thin sheet covers his figure if only to protect him from the cold, his eyes staring far off into the distance, an aura of relaxation and resignation emanating from him.
Then and there Reita wonders-thinks-if Kai has always looked this frail.
Kai shifts to a more comfortable position but loses hold of the sheet in the process. It escapes and flies away, and he extends his arm in an attempt to take it back. Kai seems unmindful of the danger that they are on the fifth floor and he isn’t holding onto anything lest he reaches out too far.
And suddenly Reita is running towards Kai, wrapping his arms around him, pulling him close to him, suddenly feeling afraid-very afraid. He holds onto the other man tightly, securely, as if Kai will do The Unthinkable if he allows himself to loosen his grip by even a split second.
“What’s this all of a sudden?” Kai is genuinely surprised; it shows in his voice. Trying to take back a sheet that has flown away doesn’t push an individual to act like Reita has just done.
Reita says nothing, just squeezes his eyes shut and buries his head in the crook of Kai’s neck. He is afraid to look at him, afraid of what he may see in his eyes, afraid of what he may possibly ask if he comes face to face with an expression that may weaken all of his defenses.
Because Reita has come to understand something. Something deep, something unspeakable, something that will serve as a final push to make Kai fall-and break.
If he doesn’t tread carefully.
- =:+:= -
Am I really pushing you to the brink of despair?
- =:+:= -
Reita watches Kai pass the time folding those paper roses he’s been busying himself with lately. There is scarce conversation between them during these times, but they do not mind. (Or rather, Kai doesn’t.)
Reita watches some more. And, as if the silence is too much (too stifling) for him, he breaks it in the form of a question.
“Why do you do this?” Why do you wait?
Kai looks at him, uncertain whether to answer the question or not. It almost feels like the underlying meaning of the question that has been asked is what Reita really wants to hear an answer to.
“Because I want to.” Because I love you.
A chord is struck, Reita’s expression changes (something grimmer-it suits the occasion), and all the more he sees clearer the masked dejection and desolation in Kai’s actions.
It pains him so.
What pains him more is the fact that he is the source of it but does nothing about it.
“But what if it’s all in vain?”
But what if I can’t love you back?
Kai bites his lip, pauses from his folding; sighs softly. He wishes Reita will ask superficial questions, or not ask anything at all. Isn’t he aware that it’s difficult to think and do something at the same time, difficult to think in his current state of mind?
“Then that’s fine.” Kai looks at him squarely in the eye, smiling in spite of his quaking heart. “Because…”
-I’d love you still.
Fin
Genres: Introspection, Angst & Drama
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: One swear word & possible but unintended vagueness.
Pairing: Reita x Kai
Synopsis: No way out.
Comments: This is the result of almost two years' worth of brainstorming + drafting + shelving and 4 months of finalizing + editing. Additionally, this was supposed to be reserved for another fandom, so I'm not really sure how things ended up like this. *scratches back of head* Lastly, this is an experimental piece, so despite the many flaws this may possibly contain I hope that it's still up to par. *smiles nervously*
Disclaimer: They own themselves and I own myself. Fair enough.
First love never dies, but true love can bury it alive.
- =:+:= -
Kai sits and waits in the living room. Patiently-perpetually-like an art that’s been practiced and honed for years on end. (But it has only taken him months to master this. He isn’t a fast learner for nothing.)
There are times Kai knocks on the door of Reita’s apartment but receives no answer. When that happens, he takes the liberty to enter the place and look around in hopes of finding him. If he can’t, he sorts to sitting on the living room sofa to wait.
This is one of those times.
And like all the other times, Reita emerges from the bathroom after who-knows-how-long he has been staying there (minutes, hours, maybe even half a day). One look at his face tells Kai the same old story he has come to be familiar with for as long as he can remember: that Reita has been crying, that Reita has been grieving-still, despite his claims of being fine and having moved on.
“Hello. Have you been waiting?” are always the first words that come out from Reita’s mouth as he wills his lips to curve into a smile.
And Kai always answers no, of course not, when in fact he has been waiting for him not only today, yesterday, the other day, or the other week but for so, so long already he sometimes forgets the reason why he is still here waiting.
- =:+:= -
Sometimes Reita suddenly spaces out or abruptly stops walking when they are in town (on a date-or so Kai likes to think). Then he will look around, left and right, across the street or from shop to shop. Frantically, as if what (who) he is looking for is of utmost importance.
“Is something wrong?”
“I…” Reita pauses as if considering his words. “I just thought I saw someone familiar.”
Kai only nods at this and they resume their activities. Even if deep inside he is insulted and furious and screaming-
Why still pine for someone already taken from you?
- =:+:= -
One day, Kai decides to teach himself how to fold paper roses. Just to have something to do while waiting (and waiting and waiting and endlessly waiting).
He finds it a chore to go to the flower shop every how-many-days or so to replace the dried up flowers if he decides to get the real thing; ergo, paper roses. At least the fake counterparts don’t need much care and attention, don’t dry up and die. Once they are folded and put on display they stay as they are: never fading, never changing, all the same.
- =:+:= -
“Why don’t you fold paper cranes instead?”
Reita asks this out of the blue Kai is almost uncertain if the question has really come from him.
“Everybody does that. I want to do something different.”
“What does it mean?”
“What do you mean?”
“Folding a thousand paper cranes mean you want something to come true.” Reita states. “Is it the same thing when folding paper roses? Is there a wish you want badly to come true?”
Kai is torn between beating him to a bloody pulp and storming out of the place.
But because he is the kind (of) person that he is, he merely smiles and says:
“I don’t believe in making wishes. You only do that when you think what you desire is beyond your reach and can only be attained through a miracle.”
Besides, it’s like an indirect way of accepting defeat.
(And defeat isn’t something he wants to rub further to his own face.)
- =:+:= -
Kai offers himself to Reita one night.
And Reita fervently refuses. (It’s a subtle form of rejection.) Says that Kai mustn’t be impulsive when it comes to these things, adds that he will only do it with someone he loves.
Kai asks if Reita hasn’t tried to love him all this time. (Not even once?)
Reita immediately looks out the window and expresses his admiration for the gibbous moon as if avoiding the subject. (It’s a rare occurrence.)
- =:+:= -
First love never dies, but true love can bury it alive.
Repeat.
First love never dies, but true love can bury it alive.
Repeat.
First love ne-
Kai buries his face in the pillow and screams.
- =:+:= -
Kai watches Reita sleep peacefully. It’s been a while since he’s been left alone by sad dreams made up of painful partings and love lost.
He reaches out, stops; decides not to touch him. Something in his chest constricts, and suddenly it’s a little more painful to breathe.
Especially when Reita murmurs a name in his slumber-which, sadly, is not his own.
- =:+:= -
Will I (n)ever be enough?
- =:+:= -
Never fading, never changing, all the same.
Now that Kai thinks about it, those descriptions seem more appropriate for their situation compared to the fake flowers he makes.
Because if Reita’s memories (of That Dead Person) will never fade, this situation of theirs will never change, and everything will just remain the same-
as broken, as fucked up, as hopeless as always.
- =:+:= -
What if it’s you who falls first into the pit where (your) True Love is suppose to bury (his) First Love?
- =:+:= -
Reita wakes up one morning to the cold breeze caressing his skin and the sight of Kai sitting on the window ledge. A thin sheet covers his figure if only to protect him from the cold, his eyes staring far off into the distance, an aura of relaxation and resignation emanating from him.
Then and there Reita wonders-thinks-if Kai has always looked this frail.
Kai shifts to a more comfortable position but loses hold of the sheet in the process. It escapes and flies away, and he extends his arm in an attempt to take it back. Kai seems unmindful of the danger that they are on the fifth floor and he isn’t holding onto anything lest he reaches out too far.
And suddenly Reita is running towards Kai, wrapping his arms around him, pulling him close to him, suddenly feeling afraid-very afraid. He holds onto the other man tightly, securely, as if Kai will do The Unthinkable if he allows himself to loosen his grip by even a split second.
“What’s this all of a sudden?” Kai is genuinely surprised; it shows in his voice. Trying to take back a sheet that has flown away doesn’t push an individual to act like Reita has just done.
Reita says nothing, just squeezes his eyes shut and buries his head in the crook of Kai’s neck. He is afraid to look at him, afraid of what he may see in his eyes, afraid of what he may possibly ask if he comes face to face with an expression that may weaken all of his defenses.
Because Reita has come to understand something. Something deep, something unspeakable, something that will serve as a final push to make Kai fall-and break.
If he doesn’t tread carefully.
- =:+:= -
Am I really pushing you to the brink of despair?
- =:+:= -
Reita watches Kai pass the time folding those paper roses he’s been busying himself with lately. There is scarce conversation between them during these times, but they do not mind. (Or rather, Kai doesn’t.)
Reita watches some more. And, as if the silence is too much (too stifling) for him, he breaks it in the form of a question.
“Why do you do this?” Why do you wait?
Kai looks at him, uncertain whether to answer the question or not. It almost feels like the underlying meaning of the question that has been asked is what Reita really wants to hear an answer to.
“Because I want to.” Because I love you.
A chord is struck, Reita’s expression changes (something grimmer-it suits the occasion), and all the more he sees clearer the masked dejection and desolation in Kai’s actions.
It pains him so.
What pains him more is the fact that he is the source of it but does nothing about it.
“But what if it’s all in vain?”
But what if I can’t love you back?
Kai bites his lip, pauses from his folding; sighs softly. He wishes Reita will ask superficial questions, or not ask anything at all. Isn’t he aware that it’s difficult to think and do something at the same time, difficult to think in his current state of mind?
“Then that’s fine.” Kai looks at him squarely in the eye, smiling in spite of his quaking heart. “Because…”
-I’d love you still.
Fin