(no subject)
Title: Six people who aren't allowed to touch Kagami, and one who is
Fandom: Kamen Rider Kabuto
Pairings: Kagami/Tendou
Genre: Humour, mostly, except there's nothing funny about badtouch-san.
Word Count: 4314
Notes: Kamen Rider Kabuto just sideswiped me out of nowhere like being run over by a bus. << There needs to be more people in this fandom so I stop getting hit with bunnies for it! Spoilers up until the late 30s.
Summary: Tendou is not crazy, okay, he just doesn't like people touching his things. :<
0. Hiyori
Tendou never brings the topic of Kagami up with Hiyori. If that's who she wants, well, Tendou lives to ensure that Hiyori gets what Hiyori wants. If anything, it's Kagami who's not good enough for her.
He can't deny, though, that he's relieved when it becomes increasingly obvious how completely uninterested Hiyori is in Kagami that way.
1. Yaguruma
It wasn't so much about Kagami himself, really. He'd just... attached himself like an annoying limpet, and then kept getting himself into trouble so Tendou felt obliged to rescue him. He was an interesting guy; that was really the extent of it.
Nevertheless, he'd still attached himself to Tendou, which made him Tendou's responsibility, and Tendou's responsibilities belonged to him and him alone. Tendou Souji had never learned how to play nicely with other children. Sharing wasn't a skill his grandmother had deemed necessary to impart upon him, and he wasn't about to start now.
Basically, he just didn't like Yaguruma. He didn't trust ZECT, he didn't believe in "perfect harmony", he didn't like losing.
And he especially didn't like guys who tried to steal what was his.
~
"Stay away from Kagami," Tendou said flatly, and Yaguruma's eyebrows went up.
"Excuse me?" he said carefully. "Shouldn't that be Kagami-kun's choice?"
"You have your precious subordinates," Tendou told him, in a way that sounded a lot like a warning. "Kagami's mine. I don't share."
Yaguruma almost twitched. Really, he didn't think what had happened to Kageyama had been on purpose, but... well.
This was one more very good reason to consider Kabuto a threat to his perfect harmony.
~
"Kabuto is quite possessive, isn't he?" Yaguruma commented, and Kagami blinked at him.
"Huh?" he said blankly, not entirely sure what conversation they were having, but Yaguruma just laughed, a little rueful.
"Never mind," he said, patting Kagami on the shoulder. "I just think you ought to consider not getting too close to him in future, that's all."
"Uh, yeah," Kagami said, baffled, but then he decided to shrug it off as one of those ZECT versus Kabuto things and promptly forgot about it.
2. Kageyama
Kagami became TheBee. He was ecstatic. Tendou, to put it bluntly, was not.
Kagami was too short-sighted to think it through, but all his "promotion" meant was that ZECT was going to use him as a tool against Kabuto- against Tendou. He was going to get even more deeply entangled in their poisonous organisation. Of course Tendou wasn't happy about it. What was there to be happy about?
He also just didn't like Kagami's new position as another Rider, as a commander over his own troops. Petty? Maybe. But Tendou was the man who walked the path of heaven, who would rule everything. He was the one who would defeat the Worms and protect humanity. Now Kagami had his own underlings to protect, and their interests were at direct odds with Tendou's own.
Besides, Kageyama was a sneaky suck up. If he got his hooks into Kagami, it would be no better than Yaguruma's brainwashing "perfect harmony" drivel. Tendou had every reason in the world not to like him or want him near Kagami, and there was nothing irrational about it at all.
~
Kageyama walked around the corner only to encounter Kabuto, leaning nonchalantly against the wall, and promptly froze, remembering what happened last time. Ending up in hospital and losing a commanding officer he'd actually respected on some level; it hadn't been the most stellar experience.
"You have a reputation, you know," Kabuto greeted him, not so much as uncrossing his arms. "Of making your way through the ranks on your back."
Kageyama stiffened. "I don't talk to the enemy," he said, lifting his chin and tossing his hair, but his voice shook a little. All he was carrying was a handgun and he hadn't been out of hospital that long; he wouldn't have a prayer if Kabuto decided to attack again.
"You might want to rethink that habit," Kabuto continued, ignoring him. "Because if you try that on Kagami, you will regret it."
For a moment, Kageyama forgot to be scared, too taken aback by the complete surrealism of the situation. "Kagami-taichou?" he echoed, and Kabuto snorted.
"Try sleeping with that guy and it'll be the last thing you'll do," he promised pleasantly, and slung his leg over the saddle of his motorbike. "Have a nice day."
Kageyama was many things, but he wasn't stupid, and he knew when to leave well enough alone. Maybe some people would call him a coward, but he liked to think he was simply pragmatic. There were other ways of getting in Kagami's good graces, ways that wouldn't bring down Kabuto's wrath, and besides, Kagami seemed like the type that was too thick for seduction to work in any case.
The most disturbing thing, Kageyama thought with a shudder, was the calm, unbothered tone of voice Kabuto had spoken in, as if what he was saying was completely natural and sane.
~
"Taichou," Kageyama said before they went into battle, "Taichou, you have to defeat Kabuto before he does something crazy."
Kagami sighed, scrubbing a hand through his hair. He really didn't want to fight Tendou, but what was he supposed to do? Orders were orders.
He wished Kageyama wouldn't rub it in, though, even if Tendou had kind of put him in hospital.
"Really, Taichou!" Kageyama insisted urgently. "He's a danger to you, you have to protect yourself!"
"Yeah, sure thing," Kagami muttered, and shook his head. Kageyama was so paranoid and weird, honestly.
3. Mishima
Tendou had come to accept that he was a little irrational and jealous when it came to Kagami's attention, and he didn't like other people touching him or getting too close to him. He was even willing to admit that he was perhaps a bit extreme about it.
But that was nothing, compared to this. Mishima was a slimy, creepy asshole who was going to deserve every last inch of pain he would eventually get served with when Tendou got his way, but for now, it was going to have to be enough to give him a warning.
"I know your type," Tendou said to Mishima, during one of their friendly discussions. "I've seen the way you touch your subordinates."
Mishima's eyes were unreadable behind his glasses. "Oh?"
"If you lay a single inappropriate finger on Kagami Arata," Tendou told him, almost conversationally, "I will feed you your own testes, stir-fried. And that will just be for starters."
"Really," Mishima said. "I see."
"Believe me, you won't even see the bullet coming," Tendou promised grimly, and Mishima sneered, but Tendou could see the resentful fear lurking in his eyes and was satisfied.
~
Mishima smacked Kagami Arata around a little bit, here and there, but every time he touched the little brat he'd kept it strictly impersonal.
That had surprisingly little to do with who his father was, and rather a lot more to do with the fact that Kabuto disturbed Mishima on a deep and primal level.
Not that he would ever admit that.
4. Kageyama, Pt II
"You know," Tendou said calmly when Kageyama speculatively eyed Kagami. "Sucking up to Kagami won't get you your zecter back."
Kageyama startled, practically plastering himself back against the wall in shock, obviously having not realised Tendou was standing behind him.
"Obaa-chan said, you might catch more flies with honey but you'll anger the bear," Tendou added. "Do you remember the conversation we had a few months ago?"
Kageyama abruptly turned pale.
"Good," Tendou said, and went back to reading his newspaper with the reassuring feeling that balance had once more been restored to the world.
~
"That Tendou is completely psychotic," Kageyama hissed at Kagami urgently, catching his arm as he walked through the door of La Salle. "He's insane!"
"Haa?" Kagami said, totally bemused. "What the hell?"
"He needs professional help!" Kageyama said hysterically. "He's obsessive and weird and dangerous!"
"Yeah, like you're in a position to be saying that," Kagami snorted, shaking Kageyama off and rolling his eyes. Not that he wouldn't admit that lately Tendou was more than a few screws loose in the head, but why tell him about it?
5. Renge
Kagami Arata was cute, in a puppy-like way, but most of the time he just fumbled over his feet and mouth and was self-conscious and dorky. Tendou had been relying on that, to a certain extent, to ensure that nobody would get any inconvenient crushes on him.
Unfortunately, Kagami was also Gatack, and that meant along with his usual sweet awkwardness he also had moments of extreme competency where he would get this serious expression on his face, protect a busload of schoolgirls, beat up Worms and look very, very good while doing it.
Tendou was coming to grips with that and had stopping lying to himself so much about how obsessive he was over Kagami, which meant admitting to himself that he was more than a little appreciative himself of that side of the other Rider. He was not quite so appreciative of the way Renge had gone from disdain to hearts in her eyes in the speed of zero to sixty, however.
Tendou knew he shouldn't really blame Renge for swooning, but that didn't mean he wouldn't.
~
"Shishou," Renge said pitifully, after two weeks of suffering, "Shishou, are you mad at me?"
Tendou put his paper down, and his expression was completely bland, but Renge wasn't really reassured at all. "Not at all," he said. "Why do you ask?"
"Well, lately you've been making me clean the toilet and run a lot more laps than usual," she said, twisting her hands awkwardly in her skirt. "I thought maybe I'd done something to annoy Shishou and this was punishment?"
"It's just training, Renge," Tendou said with a smile, and took a sip from his tea. "That's all."
Renge wasn't fully convinced by this reassurance, however, and after a while, it began to occur to her that these extra duties always coincided with hanging out with Kagami. She didn't understand why, but it became clearer and clearer that spending too much time with Kagami was a punishable offence.
Tendou probably had some reason. She didn't know what it was, but he was the teacher, after all. If he didn't want her to do something, then she wouldn't do it, and that was all there was to it.
Even if she couldn't, for the life of her, figure out why Tendou wouldn't want her near Kagami when he'd assigned them to work together in the first place.
~
Renge backed away a few steps, looking terrified, and Kagami frowned.
"Renge? What's wrong?"
"I'm sorry, sempai!" she said wretchedly, "but I can't! Shishou will be mad!"
She then turned around and ran off. Kagami stared in the direction that she'd escaped in and wondered if she'd gone even more crazy than usual.
Seriously, what the hell? Renge was so weird sometimes.
6. Tsurugi
On the one hand, you'd have to be blind, deaf and stupid to miss Tsurugi's crush on Misaki. On the other hand, his infatuation with his new "best friend" was hardly subtle either, and Tendou had heard about the bath incident. (Thankfully Kagami had been too caught up in recounting his tale of trauma to notice the way Tendou's fists clenched up in his jacket.)
Basically, Tendou just didn't trust Tsurugi within five feet of Kagami. His idea of friendship was just a little too overenthusiastic for Tendou's comfort, and Kagami was the only friend he had. He could very well start to mistake that friendship for something else, especially with the way Misaki kept putting him down. Even that idiot had to get the idea eventually, surely?
Tendou was simply going to make sure that when he did, Tsurugi didn't decide to transfer his excessive affections onto Kagami.
Really, just his friendship was more than bad enough.
~
"Quit hanging all over Kagami," Tendou said as a greeting, which was terribly rude of him and betrayed his obviously inadequate breeding. "It's annoying."
Of course Tsurugi was not going to stand for such a slight, especially where it concerned his best friend. He planted his hands on his hips and raised his chin proudly.
"Nonsense! I am the man who stands at the peak of friendship!" he declared. "KaGAmi and I shall devote our lives to each other and be best friends for everk!"
"You'll be the man who stands at the peak of castration if you don't back off," Tendou informed him, and he might have sounded fairly laid back on the surface, but Tsurugi's well-developed instincts were screaming alert! danger! danger!
He was not a man easily cowed and giving up was not a concept with which he was well-acquainted, but that was not a threat to be taken lightly, and he honestly believed Tendou meant it. Those were the eyes of a crazy man.
Not to mention the fact that the grip Tendou had on his neck ruff was making it difficult for him to breathe.
"I am the man who stands at the peak of backing off," Tsurugi croaked hastily, and Tendou let him go with a small smile.
"I'm glad to hear that," he said, almost agreeably. "Have a nice day."
Tsurugi watched as Tendou walked off with what appeared to be a cheerful spring to his step. That man was completely insane, he thought, still a little shaken. A menace to society, and more specifically to the continuation of the Discabil family lineage.
He would have to apologise sincerely to his dear friend, Kagami, but for the sake of his future happiness with Misaki-nu, it was clear that their friendship was not to be.
~
"Hey, Tendou, have you noticed that Tsurugi is acting really strange lately?" Kagami asked idly. Tendou had offered to cook, and only idiots turned down food made by Tendou Souji, so he was sitting on Tendou's couch flipping through a magazine while Tendou was in the kitchen cooking.
"Tsurugi always acts strange," Tendou said blandly, not even looking up from the stove. "So what?"
"Yeah, but this is different strange," Kagami told him, frowning slightly. "He keeps freaking out whenever he sees me and running away. Not that I care, exactly. I mean, it's a nice change not to have him dragging me into all kinds of ridiculous situations, but it's still weird."
"Mm," Tendou hummed, totally noncommittal, and stirred whatever was in the pan. "Why are you asking me?"
"I dunno, I just thought you might have some idea why," Kagami said, scratching his head. "Like, the other day I asked him if he'd seen you around and he totally flipped out on me and said something really random about eternal rivalries and friendships doomed by adversity before running off to chase Misaki-san around some more."
It had just been really bizarre. He'd barely mentioned Tendou's name and all the blood had drained from Tsurugi's face. It wasn't exaggerating to say he'd flipped out; he'd gotten all melodramatic and started wailing about unchivalrous guys who rudely interfered in the close friendships of others, and it seemed like he was trying to say that Tendou had threatened him or something, but why-
"Here," Tendou said suddenly, interrupting his thoughts by setting a very artistic bowl of chicken katsudon down in front of him, and Kagami forgot all about Tsurugi's weirdness, too distracted by Tendou's cooking to care.
7. Misaki
On some level, it deeply disturbed Tendou to find that Kagami was becoming as vital to him as his sisters were. He was the man who walked the path of heaven and would rule everything, and that meant he walked his path alone. He would protect the world so both his little sisters could smile. That was the only important thing; anything else was an unnecessary distraction.
Kagami was an enormous distraction, and Tendou sometimes found that a little concerning. Mostly, though, he was too busy making sure Kagami was safe and that there was no threat of anybody taking him away to care all that much.
And as with anything that mattered to Tendou, he took this job very, very seriously. Some might say obsessively, psychotically so; he preferred to think of it as being thorough.
Which meant that, while he knew Misaki and Kagami weren't actually dating (he wasn't always that good with parsing interpersonal relationships, but you'd have to be as thick as Tsurugi not to realise they were faking), he'd read enough of Juka's shoujo manga to know that situations like that lead to danger, no matter how improbable it might seem. He didn't really think that Misaki would ever consider Kagami in that light, but... well, you never knew.
Even if it could be considered crossing over the line into paranoia, Tendou knew that one should always attempt to be fully prepared for every contingency.
~
Misaki had been having a nice, surprisingly dull day, right up until the point where she decided to get lunch at La Salle. Tendou was there when she came in and sat down, which wasn't at all unusual; what did perturb her was when, halfway through her lunch, he suddenly started speaking out of nowhere.
"Even if it's just acting," he said, seemingly to the wall, "these things have a way of escalating. I like and respect you, but I would really feel better about it if you weren't pretending to date Kagami."
"Excuse me?" she said disbelievingly, not quite sure she'd heard correctly, but Tendou just sighed.
"Misaki," he said, looking over his shoulder. "I don't want to have to make you my enemy. Please find another way to deal with your issues with Tsurugi."
Misaki stared at him, chopsticks still halfway to her mouth. Tendou had the grace to look a little bit defensive, but if she'd been hoping he was joking, then, well. No such luck.
She would have given him a piece of her mind and made him regret threatening her, however obliquely, over something so patently ridiculous, but by the time she'd managed to get over her complete and utter incredulity, Tendou was already gone.
~
"Um, you know, Kagami-kun," Misaki said carefully to him while they were eating soba together, "Tendou-kun is..."
"Hmm?"
"Well. Tendou-kun is... how do you feel about him?"
"... Haaah?"
"Because he's quite territorial and irrational when it comes to you," she said, a little awkwardly. "I thought you should know, since it concerns you. Don't worry about the soba, my treat."
She slapped the money down on the counter and left.
"Wah?" Kagami said weakly. "Tendou is?"
This was, when he thought about it, not the first time anyone had tried to tell him he made Tendou crazy in the head, but every other time anyone had said anything he'd brushed them off and forgot about it. Mostly they didn't make much sense and looked slightly crazy themselves. It wasn't that he didn't think Tendou was crazy- as much as he cared about the guy, he was pretty much completely insane sometimes. But that was over Hiyori, not Kagami.
He respected Misaki and trusted her judgment, though. She wasn't psycho like Kageyama or weird like Renge. But what did she mean, territorial and irrational?
That Tendou. He didn't even have to be there and he still gave Kagami headaches.
8. Conclusion: NOBODY TOUCHES KAGAMI BUT TENDOU.
The thing was, it wasn't so much about Tendou touching Kagami as it was about other people not touching Kagami. Which was not to say that Tendou wasn't pathetically, hopelessly crushing on Kagami just a little, because he couldn't really deny that. But so long as nobody else was trying to take Kagami away or steal his attention, Tendou was reasonably content and had no plans of taking any actual action.
Aside from the fact Kagami might say no, it just didn't seem very necessary. Tendou was fairly content with the situation as it stood, after all; anything else was up to Kagami.
Unless he decided to try starting a relationship with another person, anyway, but whatever.
~
"So apparently the reason everyone has been acting weird and avoiding me is because they're scared of you," Kagami said, watching Tendou's expression go carefully blank.
"Really," he said blandly, and if Kagami hadn't gone around asking everyone who'd ever made incomprehensible comments at him about Tendou (including Yaguruma and Kageyama, who were a headache and a half when they got going with their forsaken hoppers of the damned spiel) what exactly they had meant, he seriously would have thought he was hallucinating the whole thing and Tendou had no idea what he was talking about.
"Yeah, really," he said, determined that Tendou wasn't going to weasel out of the conversation this time. "Because apparently you keep threatening them."
A quick look of somewhat defensive embarrassment flashed across Tendou's face, so fast that Kagami would have missed it if he hadn't been paying attention. Ah hah, he thought, but-
"That's ridiculous," Tendou scoffed, not quite looking at him, and Kagami resisted the strong urge to smack his head against the wall repeatedly.
"Yes, but I'm pretty sure five different people aren't just making things up," he said, frustrated by the way Tendou insisted on playing dumb. "Seriously, Tendou, why are you threatening my friends?"
Tendou crossed his arms, closed off body language matching the rather sullen scowl that had found its way to his face. "They're in the way," he muttered, his spine a tense line just daring Kagami to call him out on it.
"Bzuh?" Kagami said, and ran that back through his mind to see if it was just him, but no, that still made absolutely no sense whatsoever. "In the way of what?"
"They're not supposed to touch you," said Tendou, and it was the annoyed tone of aggrieved conviction that he'd used when he'd talked about how he was going to eliminate ZECT and all other Riders, that complete self-righteousness and sense of entitlement that said his world view was not to be questioned. Kagami stared at him.
"Wait," he said slowly. "So... let me get this straight. You've been spazzing out and threatening people like a psycho person over the idea of anyone touching me? For months? And not telling me?"
Tendou stubbornly didn't answer.
"Which means you don't want me being with other people," Kagami continued, the pieces slowly drawing together in his head. "But..."
"They should know better than to take something that belongs to me," Tendou said self-righteously, but there was still sullenness lurking at the edges and the slightest hint of a blush on his cheeks. Kagami's eyes widened.
"Are you... seriously?" he exclaimed, in a voice that was totally not a yelp. "But... but you haven't... I mean, it's been months! You haven't done anything!"
Tendou shrugged. "So?" he said, sounding completely serious. "That wasn't the point."
"Oh my god," Kagami groaned despairingly, letting his head fall into his hands. "What the hell, Tendou? You don't want me, you just don't want anyone else to have me either? What kind of insane crazy-person logic is that?"
"I didn't say that," Tendou said, in this entirely reasonable tone of voice that made Kagami itch to punch him. "I just said it wasn't the point."
The silence stretched out between them, Kagami staring at Tendou in disbelief while Tendou sat there with that air of total assurance in his own rightness until Kagami had had enough.
"Right," he growled, and yanked Tendou forward by his jacket into a kiss. Just because Tendou was crazy, it didn't mean Kagami wanted to be celibate forever.
Tendou made a muffled and vaguely panicked noise against Kagami's mouth, but he went without fighting, and after a moment he relaxed into the hold Kagami had on him and opened his own mouth, which was a clear sign of victory.
"Huh," he said fuzzily, when Kagami pulled away slightly. "Really?"
He had the nerve to look surprised, and Kagami was struck anew by how much Tendou didn't seem to get about this whole human relationships thing. His mind clearly didn't work like normal people's did; somewhere in his brain it apparently made more sense to stalk someone you liked and warn off anyone who tried to get near them than to just tell them you liked them, which made Kagami's brain hurt.
"From now on, you're not allowed to decide anything by yourself," he said firmly, because when Tendou made important life decisions on his own it never, ever ended well. "Do you realise that we could have been doing this for months if you had any concept of Earth logic?"
"It's not my fault you're slow," Tendou said with extreme dignity, and then, before Kagami could protest that it wasn't his fault Tendou was crazy, he narrowed his eyes and added, "Nobody else can touch you."
"Um, yeah," Kagami said, and rolled his eyes before saying, with extreme patience, "When two people are in a relationship, Tendou, generally that's what it means. It makes a lot more sense than going around randomly threatening people, and it usually works a lot better. You know. In the real world."
"Oh," Tendou said, then relaxed against him. "Well. Good."
Of course, Kagami knew Tendou well enough to know that the mere fact of being in a legitimate relationship would not actually stop him from threatening people in nasty ways if they so much as looked at Kagami twice, but at least it would make him seem a little less sociopathic and deranged when he did so.
("Are you sure I can't castrate Tsurugi? It would be for the good of humanity."
"Tendou.")
... Or not, but whatever, at least Kagami was happy.
Fandom: Kamen Rider Kabuto
Pairings: Kagami/Tendou
Genre: Humour, mostly, except there's nothing funny about badtouch-san.
Word Count: 4314
Notes: Kamen Rider Kabuto just sideswiped me out of nowhere like being run over by a bus. << There needs to be more people in this fandom so I stop getting hit with bunnies for it! Spoilers up until the late 30s.
Summary: Tendou is not crazy, okay, he just doesn't like people touching his things. :<
0. Hiyori
Tendou never brings the topic of Kagami up with Hiyori. If that's who she wants, well, Tendou lives to ensure that Hiyori gets what Hiyori wants. If anything, it's Kagami who's not good enough for her.
He can't deny, though, that he's relieved when it becomes increasingly obvious how completely uninterested Hiyori is in Kagami that way.
1. Yaguruma
It wasn't so much about Kagami himself, really. He'd just... attached himself like an annoying limpet, and then kept getting himself into trouble so Tendou felt obliged to rescue him. He was an interesting guy; that was really the extent of it.
Nevertheless, he'd still attached himself to Tendou, which made him Tendou's responsibility, and Tendou's responsibilities belonged to him and him alone. Tendou Souji had never learned how to play nicely with other children. Sharing wasn't a skill his grandmother had deemed necessary to impart upon him, and he wasn't about to start now.
Basically, he just didn't like Yaguruma. He didn't trust ZECT, he didn't believe in "perfect harmony", he didn't like losing.
And he especially didn't like guys who tried to steal what was his.
~
"Stay away from Kagami," Tendou said flatly, and Yaguruma's eyebrows went up.
"Excuse me?" he said carefully. "Shouldn't that be Kagami-kun's choice?"
"You have your precious subordinates," Tendou told him, in a way that sounded a lot like a warning. "Kagami's mine. I don't share."
Yaguruma almost twitched. Really, he didn't think what had happened to Kageyama had been on purpose, but... well.
This was one more very good reason to consider Kabuto a threat to his perfect harmony.
~
"Kabuto is quite possessive, isn't he?" Yaguruma commented, and Kagami blinked at him.
"Huh?" he said blankly, not entirely sure what conversation they were having, but Yaguruma just laughed, a little rueful.
"Never mind," he said, patting Kagami on the shoulder. "I just think you ought to consider not getting too close to him in future, that's all."
"Uh, yeah," Kagami said, baffled, but then he decided to shrug it off as one of those ZECT versus Kabuto things and promptly forgot about it.
2. Kageyama
Kagami became TheBee. He was ecstatic. Tendou, to put it bluntly, was not.
Kagami was too short-sighted to think it through, but all his "promotion" meant was that ZECT was going to use him as a tool against Kabuto- against Tendou. He was going to get even more deeply entangled in their poisonous organisation. Of course Tendou wasn't happy about it. What was there to be happy about?
He also just didn't like Kagami's new position as another Rider, as a commander over his own troops. Petty? Maybe. But Tendou was the man who walked the path of heaven, who would rule everything. He was the one who would defeat the Worms and protect humanity. Now Kagami had his own underlings to protect, and their interests were at direct odds with Tendou's own.
Besides, Kageyama was a sneaky suck up. If he got his hooks into Kagami, it would be no better than Yaguruma's brainwashing "perfect harmony" drivel. Tendou had every reason in the world not to like him or want him near Kagami, and there was nothing irrational about it at all.
~
Kageyama walked around the corner only to encounter Kabuto, leaning nonchalantly against the wall, and promptly froze, remembering what happened last time. Ending up in hospital and losing a commanding officer he'd actually respected on some level; it hadn't been the most stellar experience.
"You have a reputation, you know," Kabuto greeted him, not so much as uncrossing his arms. "Of making your way through the ranks on your back."
Kageyama stiffened. "I don't talk to the enemy," he said, lifting his chin and tossing his hair, but his voice shook a little. All he was carrying was a handgun and he hadn't been out of hospital that long; he wouldn't have a prayer if Kabuto decided to attack again.
"You might want to rethink that habit," Kabuto continued, ignoring him. "Because if you try that on Kagami, you will regret it."
For a moment, Kageyama forgot to be scared, too taken aback by the complete surrealism of the situation. "Kagami-taichou?" he echoed, and Kabuto snorted.
"Try sleeping with that guy and it'll be the last thing you'll do," he promised pleasantly, and slung his leg over the saddle of his motorbike. "Have a nice day."
Kageyama was many things, but he wasn't stupid, and he knew when to leave well enough alone. Maybe some people would call him a coward, but he liked to think he was simply pragmatic. There were other ways of getting in Kagami's good graces, ways that wouldn't bring down Kabuto's wrath, and besides, Kagami seemed like the type that was too thick for seduction to work in any case.
The most disturbing thing, Kageyama thought with a shudder, was the calm, unbothered tone of voice Kabuto had spoken in, as if what he was saying was completely natural and sane.
~
"Taichou," Kageyama said before they went into battle, "Taichou, you have to defeat Kabuto before he does something crazy."
Kagami sighed, scrubbing a hand through his hair. He really didn't want to fight Tendou, but what was he supposed to do? Orders were orders.
He wished Kageyama wouldn't rub it in, though, even if Tendou had kind of put him in hospital.
"Really, Taichou!" Kageyama insisted urgently. "He's a danger to you, you have to protect yourself!"
"Yeah, sure thing," Kagami muttered, and shook his head. Kageyama was so paranoid and weird, honestly.
3. Mishima
Tendou had come to accept that he was a little irrational and jealous when it came to Kagami's attention, and he didn't like other people touching him or getting too close to him. He was even willing to admit that he was perhaps a bit extreme about it.
But that was nothing, compared to this. Mishima was a slimy, creepy asshole who was going to deserve every last inch of pain he would eventually get served with when Tendou got his way, but for now, it was going to have to be enough to give him a warning.
"I know your type," Tendou said to Mishima, during one of their friendly discussions. "I've seen the way you touch your subordinates."
Mishima's eyes were unreadable behind his glasses. "Oh?"
"If you lay a single inappropriate finger on Kagami Arata," Tendou told him, almost conversationally, "I will feed you your own testes, stir-fried. And that will just be for starters."
"Really," Mishima said. "I see."
"Believe me, you won't even see the bullet coming," Tendou promised grimly, and Mishima sneered, but Tendou could see the resentful fear lurking in his eyes and was satisfied.
~
Mishima smacked Kagami Arata around a little bit, here and there, but every time he touched the little brat he'd kept it strictly impersonal.
That had surprisingly little to do with who his father was, and rather a lot more to do with the fact that Kabuto disturbed Mishima on a deep and primal level.
Not that he would ever admit that.
4. Kageyama, Pt II
"You know," Tendou said calmly when Kageyama speculatively eyed Kagami. "Sucking up to Kagami won't get you your zecter back."
Kageyama startled, practically plastering himself back against the wall in shock, obviously having not realised Tendou was standing behind him.
"Obaa-chan said, you might catch more flies with honey but you'll anger the bear," Tendou added. "Do you remember the conversation we had a few months ago?"
Kageyama abruptly turned pale.
"Good," Tendou said, and went back to reading his newspaper with the reassuring feeling that balance had once more been restored to the world.
~
"That Tendou is completely psychotic," Kageyama hissed at Kagami urgently, catching his arm as he walked through the door of La Salle. "He's insane!"
"Haa?" Kagami said, totally bemused. "What the hell?"
"He needs professional help!" Kageyama said hysterically. "He's obsessive and weird and dangerous!"
"Yeah, like you're in a position to be saying that," Kagami snorted, shaking Kageyama off and rolling his eyes. Not that he wouldn't admit that lately Tendou was more than a few screws loose in the head, but why tell him about it?
5. Renge
Kagami Arata was cute, in a puppy-like way, but most of the time he just fumbled over his feet and mouth and was self-conscious and dorky. Tendou had been relying on that, to a certain extent, to ensure that nobody would get any inconvenient crushes on him.
Unfortunately, Kagami was also Gatack, and that meant along with his usual sweet awkwardness he also had moments of extreme competency where he would get this serious expression on his face, protect a busload of schoolgirls, beat up Worms and look very, very good while doing it.
Tendou was coming to grips with that and had stopping lying to himself so much about how obsessive he was over Kagami, which meant admitting to himself that he was more than a little appreciative himself of that side of the other Rider. He was not quite so appreciative of the way Renge had gone from disdain to hearts in her eyes in the speed of zero to sixty, however.
Tendou knew he shouldn't really blame Renge for swooning, but that didn't mean he wouldn't.
~
"Shishou," Renge said pitifully, after two weeks of suffering, "Shishou, are you mad at me?"
Tendou put his paper down, and his expression was completely bland, but Renge wasn't really reassured at all. "Not at all," he said. "Why do you ask?"
"Well, lately you've been making me clean the toilet and run a lot more laps than usual," she said, twisting her hands awkwardly in her skirt. "I thought maybe I'd done something to annoy Shishou and this was punishment?"
"It's just training, Renge," Tendou said with a smile, and took a sip from his tea. "That's all."
Renge wasn't fully convinced by this reassurance, however, and after a while, it began to occur to her that these extra duties always coincided with hanging out with Kagami. She didn't understand why, but it became clearer and clearer that spending too much time with Kagami was a punishable offence.
Tendou probably had some reason. She didn't know what it was, but he was the teacher, after all. If he didn't want her to do something, then she wouldn't do it, and that was all there was to it.
Even if she couldn't, for the life of her, figure out why Tendou wouldn't want her near Kagami when he'd assigned them to work together in the first place.
~
Renge backed away a few steps, looking terrified, and Kagami frowned.
"Renge? What's wrong?"
"I'm sorry, sempai!" she said wretchedly, "but I can't! Shishou will be mad!"
She then turned around and ran off. Kagami stared in the direction that she'd escaped in and wondered if she'd gone even more crazy than usual.
Seriously, what the hell? Renge was so weird sometimes.
6. Tsurugi
On the one hand, you'd have to be blind, deaf and stupid to miss Tsurugi's crush on Misaki. On the other hand, his infatuation with his new "best friend" was hardly subtle either, and Tendou had heard about the bath incident. (Thankfully Kagami had been too caught up in recounting his tale of trauma to notice the way Tendou's fists clenched up in his jacket.)
Basically, Tendou just didn't trust Tsurugi within five feet of Kagami. His idea of friendship was just a little too overenthusiastic for Tendou's comfort, and Kagami was the only friend he had. He could very well start to mistake that friendship for something else, especially with the way Misaki kept putting him down. Even that idiot had to get the idea eventually, surely?
Tendou was simply going to make sure that when he did, Tsurugi didn't decide to transfer his excessive affections onto Kagami.
Really, just his friendship was more than bad enough.
~
"Quit hanging all over Kagami," Tendou said as a greeting, which was terribly rude of him and betrayed his obviously inadequate breeding. "It's annoying."
Of course Tsurugi was not going to stand for such a slight, especially where it concerned his best friend. He planted his hands on his hips and raised his chin proudly.
"Nonsense! I am the man who stands at the peak of friendship!" he declared. "KaGAmi and I shall devote our lives to each other and be best friends for everk!"
"You'll be the man who stands at the peak of castration if you don't back off," Tendou informed him, and he might have sounded fairly laid back on the surface, but Tsurugi's well-developed instincts were screaming alert! danger! danger!
He was not a man easily cowed and giving up was not a concept with which he was well-acquainted, but that was not a threat to be taken lightly, and he honestly believed Tendou meant it. Those were the eyes of a crazy man.
Not to mention the fact that the grip Tendou had on his neck ruff was making it difficult for him to breathe.
"I am the man who stands at the peak of backing off," Tsurugi croaked hastily, and Tendou let him go with a small smile.
"I'm glad to hear that," he said, almost agreeably. "Have a nice day."
Tsurugi watched as Tendou walked off with what appeared to be a cheerful spring to his step. That man was completely insane, he thought, still a little shaken. A menace to society, and more specifically to the continuation of the Discabil family lineage.
He would have to apologise sincerely to his dear friend, Kagami, but for the sake of his future happiness with Misaki-nu, it was clear that their friendship was not to be.
~
"Hey, Tendou, have you noticed that Tsurugi is acting really strange lately?" Kagami asked idly. Tendou had offered to cook, and only idiots turned down food made by Tendou Souji, so he was sitting on Tendou's couch flipping through a magazine while Tendou was in the kitchen cooking.
"Tsurugi always acts strange," Tendou said blandly, not even looking up from the stove. "So what?"
"Yeah, but this is different strange," Kagami told him, frowning slightly. "He keeps freaking out whenever he sees me and running away. Not that I care, exactly. I mean, it's a nice change not to have him dragging me into all kinds of ridiculous situations, but it's still weird."
"Mm," Tendou hummed, totally noncommittal, and stirred whatever was in the pan. "Why are you asking me?"
"I dunno, I just thought you might have some idea why," Kagami said, scratching his head. "Like, the other day I asked him if he'd seen you around and he totally flipped out on me and said something really random about eternal rivalries and friendships doomed by adversity before running off to chase Misaki-san around some more."
It had just been really bizarre. He'd barely mentioned Tendou's name and all the blood had drained from Tsurugi's face. It wasn't exaggerating to say he'd flipped out; he'd gotten all melodramatic and started wailing about unchivalrous guys who rudely interfered in the close friendships of others, and it seemed like he was trying to say that Tendou had threatened him or something, but why-
"Here," Tendou said suddenly, interrupting his thoughts by setting a very artistic bowl of chicken katsudon down in front of him, and Kagami forgot all about Tsurugi's weirdness, too distracted by Tendou's cooking to care.
7. Misaki
On some level, it deeply disturbed Tendou to find that Kagami was becoming as vital to him as his sisters were. He was the man who walked the path of heaven and would rule everything, and that meant he walked his path alone. He would protect the world so both his little sisters could smile. That was the only important thing; anything else was an unnecessary distraction.
Kagami was an enormous distraction, and Tendou sometimes found that a little concerning. Mostly, though, he was too busy making sure Kagami was safe and that there was no threat of anybody taking him away to care all that much.
And as with anything that mattered to Tendou, he took this job very, very seriously. Some might say obsessively, psychotically so; he preferred to think of it as being thorough.
Which meant that, while he knew Misaki and Kagami weren't actually dating (he wasn't always that good with parsing interpersonal relationships, but you'd have to be as thick as Tsurugi not to realise they were faking), he'd read enough of Juka's shoujo manga to know that situations like that lead to danger, no matter how improbable it might seem. He didn't really think that Misaki would ever consider Kagami in that light, but... well, you never knew.
Even if it could be considered crossing over the line into paranoia, Tendou knew that one should always attempt to be fully prepared for every contingency.
~
Misaki had been having a nice, surprisingly dull day, right up until the point where she decided to get lunch at La Salle. Tendou was there when she came in and sat down, which wasn't at all unusual; what did perturb her was when, halfway through her lunch, he suddenly started speaking out of nowhere.
"Even if it's just acting," he said, seemingly to the wall, "these things have a way of escalating. I like and respect you, but I would really feel better about it if you weren't pretending to date Kagami."
"Excuse me?" she said disbelievingly, not quite sure she'd heard correctly, but Tendou just sighed.
"Misaki," he said, looking over his shoulder. "I don't want to have to make you my enemy. Please find another way to deal with your issues with Tsurugi."
Misaki stared at him, chopsticks still halfway to her mouth. Tendou had the grace to look a little bit defensive, but if she'd been hoping he was joking, then, well. No such luck.
She would have given him a piece of her mind and made him regret threatening her, however obliquely, over something so patently ridiculous, but by the time she'd managed to get over her complete and utter incredulity, Tendou was already gone.
~
"Um, you know, Kagami-kun," Misaki said carefully to him while they were eating soba together, "Tendou-kun is..."
"Hmm?"
"Well. Tendou-kun is... how do you feel about him?"
"... Haaah?"
"Because he's quite territorial and irrational when it comes to you," she said, a little awkwardly. "I thought you should know, since it concerns you. Don't worry about the soba, my treat."
She slapped the money down on the counter and left.
"Wah?" Kagami said weakly. "Tendou is?"
This was, when he thought about it, not the first time anyone had tried to tell him he made Tendou crazy in the head, but every other time anyone had said anything he'd brushed them off and forgot about it. Mostly they didn't make much sense and looked slightly crazy themselves. It wasn't that he didn't think Tendou was crazy- as much as he cared about the guy, he was pretty much completely insane sometimes. But that was over Hiyori, not Kagami.
He respected Misaki and trusted her judgment, though. She wasn't psycho like Kageyama or weird like Renge. But what did she mean, territorial and irrational?
That Tendou. He didn't even have to be there and he still gave Kagami headaches.
8. Conclusion: NOBODY TOUCHES KAGAMI BUT TENDOU.
The thing was, it wasn't so much about Tendou touching Kagami as it was about other people not touching Kagami. Which was not to say that Tendou wasn't pathetically, hopelessly crushing on Kagami just a little, because he couldn't really deny that. But so long as nobody else was trying to take Kagami away or steal his attention, Tendou was reasonably content and had no plans of taking any actual action.
Aside from the fact Kagami might say no, it just didn't seem very necessary. Tendou was fairly content with the situation as it stood, after all; anything else was up to Kagami.
Unless he decided to try starting a relationship with another person, anyway, but whatever.
~
"So apparently the reason everyone has been acting weird and avoiding me is because they're scared of you," Kagami said, watching Tendou's expression go carefully blank.
"Really," he said blandly, and if Kagami hadn't gone around asking everyone who'd ever made incomprehensible comments at him about Tendou (including Yaguruma and Kageyama, who were a headache and a half when they got going with their forsaken hoppers of the damned spiel) what exactly they had meant, he seriously would have thought he was hallucinating the whole thing and Tendou had no idea what he was talking about.
"Yeah, really," he said, determined that Tendou wasn't going to weasel out of the conversation this time. "Because apparently you keep threatening them."
A quick look of somewhat defensive embarrassment flashed across Tendou's face, so fast that Kagami would have missed it if he hadn't been paying attention. Ah hah, he thought, but-
"That's ridiculous," Tendou scoffed, not quite looking at him, and Kagami resisted the strong urge to smack his head against the wall repeatedly.
"Yes, but I'm pretty sure five different people aren't just making things up," he said, frustrated by the way Tendou insisted on playing dumb. "Seriously, Tendou, why are you threatening my friends?"
Tendou crossed his arms, closed off body language matching the rather sullen scowl that had found its way to his face. "They're in the way," he muttered, his spine a tense line just daring Kagami to call him out on it.
"Bzuh?" Kagami said, and ran that back through his mind to see if it was just him, but no, that still made absolutely no sense whatsoever. "In the way of what?"
"They're not supposed to touch you," said Tendou, and it was the annoyed tone of aggrieved conviction that he'd used when he'd talked about how he was going to eliminate ZECT and all other Riders, that complete self-righteousness and sense of entitlement that said his world view was not to be questioned. Kagami stared at him.
"Wait," he said slowly. "So... let me get this straight. You've been spazzing out and threatening people like a psycho person over the idea of anyone touching me? For months? And not telling me?"
Tendou stubbornly didn't answer.
"Which means you don't want me being with other people," Kagami continued, the pieces slowly drawing together in his head. "But..."
"They should know better than to take something that belongs to me," Tendou said self-righteously, but there was still sullenness lurking at the edges and the slightest hint of a blush on his cheeks. Kagami's eyes widened.
"Are you... seriously?" he exclaimed, in a voice that was totally not a yelp. "But... but you haven't... I mean, it's been months! You haven't done anything!"
Tendou shrugged. "So?" he said, sounding completely serious. "That wasn't the point."
"Oh my god," Kagami groaned despairingly, letting his head fall into his hands. "What the hell, Tendou? You don't want me, you just don't want anyone else to have me either? What kind of insane crazy-person logic is that?"
"I didn't say that," Tendou said, in this entirely reasonable tone of voice that made Kagami itch to punch him. "I just said it wasn't the point."
The silence stretched out between them, Kagami staring at Tendou in disbelief while Tendou sat there with that air of total assurance in his own rightness until Kagami had had enough.
"Right," he growled, and yanked Tendou forward by his jacket into a kiss. Just because Tendou was crazy, it didn't mean Kagami wanted to be celibate forever.
Tendou made a muffled and vaguely panicked noise against Kagami's mouth, but he went without fighting, and after a moment he relaxed into the hold Kagami had on him and opened his own mouth, which was a clear sign of victory.
"Huh," he said fuzzily, when Kagami pulled away slightly. "Really?"
He had the nerve to look surprised, and Kagami was struck anew by how much Tendou didn't seem to get about this whole human relationships thing. His mind clearly didn't work like normal people's did; somewhere in his brain it apparently made more sense to stalk someone you liked and warn off anyone who tried to get near them than to just tell them you liked them, which made Kagami's brain hurt.
"From now on, you're not allowed to decide anything by yourself," he said firmly, because when Tendou made important life decisions on his own it never, ever ended well. "Do you realise that we could have been doing this for months if you had any concept of Earth logic?"
"It's not my fault you're slow," Tendou said with extreme dignity, and then, before Kagami could protest that it wasn't his fault Tendou was crazy, he narrowed his eyes and added, "Nobody else can touch you."
"Um, yeah," Kagami said, and rolled his eyes before saying, with extreme patience, "When two people are in a relationship, Tendou, generally that's what it means. It makes a lot more sense than going around randomly threatening people, and it usually works a lot better. You know. In the real world."
"Oh," Tendou said, then relaxed against him. "Well. Good."
Of course, Kagami knew Tendou well enough to know that the mere fact of being in a legitimate relationship would not actually stop him from threatening people in nasty ways if they so much as looked at Kagami twice, but at least it would make him seem a little less sociopathic and deranged when he did so.
("Are you sure I can't castrate Tsurugi? It would be for the good of humanity."
"Tendou.")
... Or not, but whatever, at least Kagami was happy.