(no subject)
Title: Sahasrara
Fandom: Mirage of Blaze
Pairings: Naoe/Takaya
Genre: Introspection, angst, their particular brand of twisted romance...
Word Count: 3,601
Notes: This is a present for thehoyden, because she is very lovely and bought me paid time. Also, she just generally deserves fic round about now. Not sure how close this is to what you were thinking, but it's certainly emotionally retarded, if nothing else? XD The title of the fic and all the segments are the chakras, because I'm just that wanky. Sahasrara is the crown chakra, which means 'divinity' and is the master chakra that controls the others. As I tried to make the segment titles relevant to the characters, quick explanation. Anahata = heart chakra, element air, meaning healing/devotion/love/compassion. Visuddha = throat, life, self expression/speech. Ajna = third eye, time, intuition. Manipura = solar plexus, fire, power/control/freedom to be oneself. Svadhistana = sacrum, water, sexual energy/emotion/creativity. Muladhara = root, earth, instinct/survival/security.
Summary: Takaya is surrounded by a number of people who mean different things to him and to whom he means different things in return, and each of them have their own view and understanding (or lack thereof) of both him and his relationship with Naoe.
~ anahata ~
Takaya is Yuzuru's best friend. He's got his faults, obviously; he's rude and aggressive and defensive and he cuts class a lot. Teachers despair of him, and a lot of people wonder why such a nice kid as Yuzuru bothers with someone who's not going anywhere, who's a bad influence. Even Yuzuru was afraid of Takaya at first, back in junior high school.
Of course, Takaya was even more out of control then than people say he is now, and he claims it's because of Yuzuru that he's not so bad these days.
Yuzuru knows Takaya better than anyone else does, which means he also knows Takaya's faults better than anyone. What he knows is something that the others don't realise: Takaya's brash insolence is not based on arrogant self-confidence and lack of care, but rather the converse. It's almost a cliché; Takaya acts the way he does because he's brittle, fragile, messed up and afraid, not of anything tangible but rather of being rejected and abandoned.
Ever since they became best friends and Yuzuru started to understand how Takaya's mind worked, he's resolved that he'll do whatever it takes to try and help Takaya piece his life back together. Yuzuru is motivated by the simple fact of compassionate love; all he wants is to protect Takaya from emotional harm the way Takaya tries to protect him from more physical threats. He's uncomfortably aware of how far short he falls short in this goal, even when he tries his best. Not even unconditional devotion is enough when pitted against the tangled up wreck of Takaya's emotion, at least not so far as Yuzuru is concerned.
All Takaya's other, pre-existing issues aside, Yuzuru knows that he's ten times worse since this whole thing with Naoe-san and possessions and exorcisms began. Yuzuru has next to no idea what's going on; Takaya doesn't tell him anything out of a misguided desire to shield him. All he knows is that something is going on between Takaya and Naoe-san, and that something could either heal the cracks in Takaya's fractured soul or utterly destroy him. Yuzuru wants to tell Naoe-san please, be careful, if you hurt him too many times he'll break the rest of the way, but he holds his tongue, because he has the odd feeling that whether or not Naoe-san heeds this fact he already knows. For once, for the first time, it feels like someone knows Takaya better than Yuzuru does; somehow Naoe-san knows him in a way that Yuzuru could never hope to match, and that gives him a power over Takaya that not even Yuzuru holds.
Naoe-san is potentially far more dangerous than anything supernatural Takaya may face, but Yuzuru cannot protect Takaya from either of those risks, assuming that he has ever been able to protect Takaya from anything. All he can do is keep trying to be there while Takaya tries to shut him out, and hope that Naoe-san will not completely shatter the one Yuzuru has tried so hard to heal.
~ vishuddha ~
Sometimes when she stops to think about it, Morino Saori is surprised at the fact that she's somehow managed to force her way into being one of Ougi-kun's very few friends. Or sort of, anyway; she thinks of him as a friend, as well as her link to Narita-kun, but she's not really sure what he thinks of her. She thinks it's fairly safe to assume he must at least be able to tolerate her, though, because Ougi-kun is the kind of teenager that won't put up with someone he if he doesn't want to.
The reason Ougi-kun has so few friends, Saori believes, is because most other people in their grade are afraid of him and don't want to mess with him. She'll admit it is a bit hard to understand why a boy like Narita-kun would choose Ougi-kun to be his best friend, but that's just the way it is. It works, though she's not sure why and she suspects maybe they aren't really either.
The reason Saori can get along with Ougi-kun is that she's not scared to tell him when he's being a jerk, which is kind of a lot of the time. He doesn't listen, but he doesn't listen to anyone but Narita-kun anyway, and Saori's okay with that. He's just like any other pig-headed boy: stubborn and sullen and thinks he knows best all the time, which obviously he doesn't. But, once you get past his image, he's also fiercely loyal, especially to Narita-kun.
Saori is the kind of girl who's self-opinionated and will always speak her mind, sometimes not so advisably, so all in all it works out. She's not that intimidated by Ougi-kun, and he doesn't get insulted by her bluntness, because he's pretty blunt himself. Annoyed, yes. Insulted? Not likely.
Or rather, not normally. Ougi-kun gets defensive and angry when Saori says anything about Naoe-san, which is kind of strange. It's not exactly the same thing as being insulted or anything, but given he usually just ignores her, she's not entirely sure what to make of it. She doesn't get what's going on, just knows that something is and that it's weird for Ougi-kun to be so affected by someone who isn't Narita-kun. It makes her curious, but even Saori has enough of a self-preservation instinct to leave that one alone.
Most of the time, anyway.
~ ajna ~
In some ways, though Nagahide garners the most respect from Kagetora and Naoe is the one Kagetora has always needed the most (regardless of whether or not Kagetora himself would admit to that), Haruie is the one their fearless leader has always been closest to. Whenever it gets brought up, she laughs and claims that this is due to her womanly intuition, but this is less of a joke than her flippant manner would make it seem.
The reason Kagetora trusts Haruie so much is that she listens and opens up in return, give and take, ebb and flow. Most men find it difficult to talk about their emotions, but Haruie has not been a man for two hundred years and she can tell Kagetora how she feels freely the way Naoe, in particular, cannot. He in turn relies on her, and her ability to support Kagetora is a strength she has over her comrades. Naoe is like an angry sea, impatient and violent, and Nagahide is fire, fiercely independent and unapproachable, but Haruie is the passage of time, calm and ever-present, quietly soothing old scars. If there is anything she knows well, it is how to wait and keep hoping while she does so.
She relies on her intuition to guide her in knowing how to deal with Kagetora, and she feels that Naoe could do with some of his own. In four hundred years, it has rarely led her astray. She has long been the closest confidante of a man who fears to allow others too close, especially in the past two centuries; it is easier for Kagetora to relax his guard around women than men, which is not surprising considering his history.
Having known Kagetora for as long as she has, it is somewhat strange and saddening to find that his newest self, Takaya-san, is more vulnerable than even she has ever seen him. Naoe has always been able to hurt Kagetora but never before has it been so obvious as it is now: he hurts Takaya-san with his absence as much as with his presence, which is something Kagetora has never let show previously.
The gods are cruel; Kagetora was granted a brief second chance through his amnesia, and he still hasn't managed to live a happy carefree life. Watching him hurt again and again, one lifetime after the other in endless succession only to deliver a damaged Takaya-san who has a whole new lifetime of issues to superimpose over those mental scars already inflicted, makes Haruie ache in empathy. She can only hope that Naoe will develop a little intuition of his own before Kagetora is shattered completely to pieces.
~ manipura ~
There is a part of Nagahide that almost hates Kagetora for not being strong enough. Oh, Kagetora has always been just that little bit better than he is when it comes to spiritual powers, annoying as that sometimes is, but Nagahide personally thinks that strength of mind is the true indication of strength. Kagetora's inability to deal with less tangible issues cripples him; Nagahide firmly believes that both he and Naoe are emotionally retarded, and as someone who values power and control, it truly rankles to be subordinate to a leader who is so fundamentally weak.
The existence of "Takaya" only complicates matters, and leaves Nagahide uncertain as to whether he hates Kagetora more for taking such a cowardly route as amnesia or if he's been thrown into another dynamic altogether. What he does know is that by upsetting the status quo Kagetora has created an Achilles heel in Nagahide where he has previously prided himself on being free of the same sort of fucked up problems his contemporaries suffer from.
Takaya, quite frankly, is frustrating. Nagahide wants to shake him, tell him to stop being such a selfish little princess for fuck's sake because you can't have your cake and eat it too. If Takaya, Kagetora, wants Naoe around, he should stop jerking the man's chain; either give in and let the psycho moron have what he wants or let him go, instead of sulking about how unfair it is he has to choose. Nagahide believes in self-determination: everything is based on choices, and people are free to choose to do whatever they like, so long as they're prepared to take the consequences. Takaya can mope about his helplessness in the situation all he wants, it's still a bullshit excuse so far as Nagahide's concerned.
What scares Nagahide-- and in turn makes him pissed off at himself both for being scared and for the cause of his fear-- is that bound up in this is an extra element, something sexual twined around the violence, an underlying impulse to shove Kagetora roughly back into a wall and kiss him hard. This is disturbingly reminiscent of Naoe; as Nagahide can honestly say he has never had any desire to understand how that man's mind works, it's something he could definitely do without. The safest thing to do therefore seems to be to keep firmly out of it, aside from occasionally giving in to the urge to give Kagetora a verbal smack down; Nagahide simply watches as Naoe and Kagetora dance around each other, simultaneously closer and further than in any lifetime before, and rolls his eyes with muted disgust at their inability to act decisively.
It's not cowardice, he tells himself, if you make a conscious decision that the consequences aren't worth their potential benefit. He doesn't completely believe himself, however, and hates Kagetora all the more for dragging Nagahide down with him.
~ svadhistana ~
Some things have become a constant in the life, or perhaps more accurately lives, of Naoe Nobutsuna. These things mostly centre around Kagetora-sama, because Nobutsuna is-- as he is sadly aware-- obsessive to the extreme when it comes to his liege, his beloved, his tormentor. He is accustomed to the dull ache of twisted unhealthy fixation, the slow burn of bitterness and hatred and jealousy, the violent roar of rage when Kagetora-sama pushes him too far.
What Nobutsuna has never had to factor in before, however, is what happens when he has the upper hand for once.
Takaya-san is Kagetora-sama, regardless of what he may think, but Nobutsuna has to admit (at least to himself) that he is a Kagetora-sama Nobutsuna himself never truly knew. Takaya-san is the young, angry, vulnerable Kagetora-sama that committed suicide whilst Nobutsuna was still in the service of Kagekatsu-daimyo, the Kagetora-sama who existed before Nobutsuna had fallen into warped and fanatical adoration with him. Takaya-san will regain his memories sooner or later, resume his cold cruel distance, but for now he is effectively at Nobutsuna's mercy.
It's a dangerous position to hold. Takaya-san had trusted him in a way that Kagetora-sama has not for a long time now, still trusts him more than he should, and the saner part of Nobutsuna relishes that, wants to hold onto the possessive glow it lights within him. The rest of him, though, the part that has descended into frothing madness from being spurned time and again, neglected and kicked and rewarded by turns like a mutt whose owner takes sadistic delight in watching its misery… that part of him wants nothing more than to lash out now while he has the chance.
The temptation Takaya-san presents is one Nobutsuna never had any hope at resisting in the long term. He has before avoided forcing himself on his Kagetora-sama, despite the frustration that has been building within him century after century, but Takaya-san's fragility tempts Nobutsuna dangerously near and beyond his limit. It's so easy to give in to it and so hard at the same time; up until the first time he had attempted to take Takaya-san against his will, the teenager had naively trusted him to stay in the same room, and he spent many sleepless nights watching his object of lust toss restlessly on the bed, kicking sheets around in a way that just made Nobutsuna all the more agitated. Alone with his own thoughts like that, with only the dark resentment scarred into his soul and the barely leashed desire to keep him company, it is surprising he held out as long as he did.
If Nobutsuna were to truly force Takaya-san before he reverted back into the Kagetora-sama of before, Takaya-san would be powerless to stop him. He hasn't fully regained his spiritual abilities yet, has forgotten how to wield his authority. If Nobutsuna's hatred finally outweighed his perverted love, and that whisper of reluctance to forcibly steal what will never be given freely were to fade away, chances are he would get his way at least once. Nobutsuna hasn't quite reached that point, yet, and instead he has inadvertently forced Kagetora-sama's hand, wedged the distance back in between them to set them up once more where they had begun.
As the illusory second chance spirals away from him and descends into the vicious circular chaos that defines the two of them, Nobutsuna wonders how much longer they can go on in this way. Next time, perhaps, Kagetora-sama will be taken from him for good, but Nobutsuna is as chained by his hopeless passion as he is by Kagetora-sama's orders, and he is powerless to reverse this endless train wreck they have always been hurtling towards. Nobutsuna stands by and lets them plummet, content that if they crash and burn at the bottom they will do so together.
Takaya-san is the only one who can save them now, the only one who can break this painful cycle, and with every step closer to destruction they take, Nobutsuna simply watches and waits to see if this time will be different.
~ muladhara ~
Takaya has ingrained within him the defensiveness of any kid who has ever lived on the streets. When he's backed into a corner, he strikes out blindly and instinctually like an angry feral cat, caring about nothing beyond the need to survive. He knows that had Yuzuru not come along to ground him he would have been lost; he's hopeless enough as it is now, but at least between Yuzuru and Miya he has learned to calm down a bit and care about others, care about something beyond his own protection. He's still impulsive, belligerent, reckless, irrational, but at least he's not completely out of control or maybe dead from drugs or a gang fight.
(Not that that would really matter, now that he's grudgingly begun to accept this whole Kagetora thing, but he doesn't like to think about that when he doesn't have to.)
As much as Takaya loves Miya and as much as Yuzuru is his best friend, almost his grip on sanity, it's still not enough. He knows this, and he suspects Yuzuru knows it too in a way where the other teenager isn't completely resigned yet. Hell, even Miya knows; he can see it in her eyes, in the wistful and helpless way she looks at him sometimes.
What Takaya has always lacked in his life, thanks to having no mother and a shit alcoholic for a father, is stability, an adult figure to rely upon and support him. When Naoe showed up at first he'd subconsciously thought maybe, just maybe, Naoe would be the security he's always craved so desperately. Of course what really happened was the precise opposite; Naoe brought with him the resurfacing of a whole lot of issues Takaya didn't even know he'd had, complicated crap about past lives he doesn't want or know how to deal with, and enough emotional baggage (both Naoe's and Kagetora's, previously and blessedly forgotten) to sink a battle ship.
The thing is, even at the beginning when Takaya had been thrown into all that freaky supernatural shit without warning and had been travelling all across Japan pulling the kind of stuff he still didn't quite believe he was capable of, it had been okay. More than okay, to be honest-- maybe better than he'd ever been before, like something that had always been missing and hollow had suddenly clicked back into place. Most people would find it weird that Takaya found more stability in that nomadic lifestyle, but he's never really felt like he belongs in his house or at school. Takaya has a very fuzzy concept of this kind of thing, not having much experience with it, but he thinks that to him stability is based around people, not places or routines.
Then Naoe had flipped out and gone completely batshit psycho on him, and Takaya had had the rug pulled right out beneath him. He would have been freaked out enough with the issues he'd gained on his own, in this lifetime-- you get an instinct for that kind of thing on the street, and god damn it, he'd trusted Naoe, he'd-- whatever, and then it'd been made worse because on top of that Kagetora's instincts, confused though they were, were screaming at him to get out, get away.
Takaya knows now, with the bitter weight of experience, four hundred years superimposed over the last seventeen, that Naoe cannot be trusted. Despite this, though, he can't force himself to let go. Has never been able to let go, in all of Kagetora's lifetimes. He still has Yuzuru, still has Miya, even has Morino though god knows why she sticks around, but there's a distance there he can't stop from expanding. They're part of a life that isn't really his anymore, and there's nothing he can do about that.
He also knows that Haruie could be the stability that Naoe is not. She's there for him in a way that most people can't be; she cares about him, has been through everything with him for four hundred years and can understand that the way Yuzuru or Morino can't. She knows what it's like to be torn apart when someone you shouldn't love isn't there. She can almost, almost understand how it feels to need someone who has betrayed you, who scares you, who you don't want to need, because she is able to empathise to an extent that most people will never be able to match.
Takaya's overarching desire has always been for security, safety, instinctual protection of self. Despite this, though, despite everything, he craves Naoe. He craves Naoe like an addict craves drugs, the way a moth will fly towards the flame even though it will get burnt, and he just can't stop because he needs Naoe, more than he has ever needed anything in his four hundred years of existence.
He wishes he could want to shove Naoe away and never stop running, and that's what he tells himself he'll do, next time, next time. In reality he will never give up, never stop clinging no matter how badly he gets hurt until maybe, eventually, it will drive him to obliteration. Don't go, he wants to plead, don't leave me, and as they go on and he gets dragged further in, he starts to realise that he'd do anything to keep Naoe with him if push came to shove.
Takaya relies on his instincts in a way that Kagetora had learned to keep restrained, because a leader can't afford to be weak and a war isn't a place for base reaction. He reaches out to seek warmth and love in a way that can sometimes be masochistic because he just doesn't think logically before he acts. In his cold, hard reason, though, Kagetora sabotaged himself again and again; reason, spite and above all an inability to let go of his fear are what have pushed he and Naoe to the brink on which they now teeter.
Kagetora trained himself to be cool and logical, but Takaya is the essence without the safeguards, the same person but as yet untempered by Kagetora's experiences. He's so young and vulnerable when it comes down to it that he doesn't think, just clings with desperation and damn the consequences where Kagetora has always severely forced himself to break away, build a wall, head further confusing conflicted emotions.
In the end, Takaya's instincts may be what save them.