My Christmhistory:
1977-1981: I don't fucken remember.

1982-1990: My cousins and aunts and uncles on my mother's side of the family owned all of the property around a lake in Atamansit. Every year we would all gather at my great aunt's and tell stories, sing Christmas Carols, and record the event on VHS. There were a couple of years when my father's ( Read more... )

The last couple of Thanksgivings, a bunch of my poet friends and I have gotten together to have a family-free holiday. We have lots of alcohol, tell lots of raunchy stories, and eat a lot of amazing food. This year, my former roommate, and former romantic foil, Ben joined in. The favorite story of the day was about the Mr. Hot Positive Load. We, in ( Read more... )

The drunkest girl on Thanksgiving has just confessed to starring in pegleg pirate porn. Eyepatches, splinters, and a one eyed parrot that says Polly want a crackwhore. In addition to peglegs her pussy has been filled with jello, Monarch Penguins, and the continent Pangea. Her gynecologist started examining her in 1994, and hasn't been seen since.

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I am Contrast. Do gooder nice guy does what told.  Folds blankets for sleeping guests.  Buys presents for friends and loves and loves and would do anything for and is supremely talkative.  Give me a topic and yes, I'll listen too.  Tell me a story.  That's fabulous.  I love you but don't you piss me off.  I disappear.  Give me a new haircut ( Read more... )

The most boring date in the world would have to take place in a museum. It's a Saturday afternoon, and a singer and an author, each with a penchant for witty one liners, are too tired to come up with anything funnier than a yawn. Due to a diabolical scheme by the MBTA to throw off their chemistry, they both arrive late. Author arrives first, sits ( Read more... )

I would like to apologize to The American Public for the current blizzard situation. It's my fault. In September 2000, I moved to Burlington, Vermont, where I spent some time hanging out with my friends, Dagster and The Soggy Blind Lesbian (they have real names, but they're intimidated by my other friends' cool monikers). 2000/2001 was the snowiest ( Read more... )

On September 1st, the church down the street from my house began its pumpkin drive. They put up a big banner: "Imported Indian Gourds for your autumn displays $5/lb." Their entire lawn and parking lot were filled to capacity with pumpkins of all sizes. All the little goody goody Jesus boys sat on the steps of the church, and waited for the ( Read more... )

If I could have been someone, anyone, else for Christmas last year, I would have. Since I had no ID, I technically could have been someone else. It was the not having the ID that was the problem. Somewhere during my three day trek from Boston to Arizona, I lost my driver's license. Again. I had managed to survive five months without the ( Read more... )

The worst Thanksgiving ever happened between St. Augustine and Vero Beach Florida in 1995. I was eighteen, and angry at my family for not flying me back to New England for Thanksgiving. "But, Safey, your grandfather lives just a few hours away. And he says you never go and visit him." Probably because I hated the man. Everyone in the world had to ( Read more... )