Happy Birthday to Me.
Today is my birthday.
It is 1:22 am and I am typing on my computer.
It is 1:22 am and I have a headache.
The headache has not gone away for three days.
It is 1:22 am and I sit, in tie and dress shirt, in silence and loneliness.
It is 1:23 am and I am gone.
Gone from this place. Gone from this time. Gone from this world.
It is 1:23 am and I am free.
Free from everything that hurts and everything that crushes and everything that destroys.
I am become oblivion.
I am become the white space between.
I am become wings.
They smile and tell me everything will be ok.
They smile and tell me this is natural.
They smile and tell me I will be stronger for it all.
That condescending smile.
That
"Oh, it's ok, I know what you are going through" smile.
No.
No you don't.
Not at all.
I asked mom why.
Why keep going when everything tells you not to?
"do it for grace"
She said.
For Grace?
"She has had it harder physically. Yes"
But.
I asked. I asked with a wry grin.
"Will she have too look into the heart of darkness? Will she be beaten and abused? Will she watch her sister try to kill herself? Will she watch her best friends family kill themselves on meth? Will she see the ugliness?"
Will she see the ugliness in mankind?
My mother sighed.
"No"
Then I guess it's not the same is it?
When you hate everything.
When you hate everyone.
When you feel as if you were born in the wrong time.
When you feel out of place for having values.
When you won't give in to the morally corrupt saturation.
When you try to fight it all.
You become a Revenant.
And you gave me something to believe in.
Something to believe was real.
In all of it, you were a shining star in vast darkness.
Was I wrong?
Was all of it a passing shower? Something to make me feel clean and whole, if only for a short time?
If so,
Why keep going? Why?
Can anyone tell me?
I am NOT willing to fight for a hopeless cause.
Am I so horrible?
So horrible that this is deserved?
Perhaps.
Lately I feel more the monster and less...
Whatever I was before.
It is my birthday.
It is 1:34 am on Saturday the sixth of June.
1600 dollars.
I wish I could hear you.
It is 1:22 am and I am typing on my computer.
It is 1:22 am and I have a headache.
The headache has not gone away for three days.
It is 1:22 am and I sit, in tie and dress shirt, in silence and loneliness.
It is 1:23 am and I am gone.
Gone from this place. Gone from this time. Gone from this world.
It is 1:23 am and I am free.
Free from everything that hurts and everything that crushes and everything that destroys.
I am become oblivion.
I am become the white space between.
I am become wings.
They smile and tell me everything will be ok.
They smile and tell me this is natural.
They smile and tell me I will be stronger for it all.
That condescending smile.
That
"Oh, it's ok, I know what you are going through" smile.
No.
No you don't.
Not at all.
I asked mom why.
Why keep going when everything tells you not to?
"do it for grace"
She said.
For Grace?
"She has had it harder physically. Yes"
But.
I asked. I asked with a wry grin.
"Will she have too look into the heart of darkness? Will she be beaten and abused? Will she watch her sister try to kill herself? Will she watch her best friends family kill themselves on meth? Will she see the ugliness?"
Will she see the ugliness in mankind?
My mother sighed.
"No"
Then I guess it's not the same is it?
When you hate everything.
When you hate everyone.
When you feel as if you were born in the wrong time.
When you feel out of place for having values.
When you won't give in to the morally corrupt saturation.
When you try to fight it all.
You become a Revenant.
And you gave me something to believe in.
Something to believe was real.
In all of it, you were a shining star in vast darkness.
Was I wrong?
Was all of it a passing shower? Something to make me feel clean and whole, if only for a short time?
If so,
Why keep going? Why?
Can anyone tell me?
I am NOT willing to fight for a hopeless cause.
Am I so horrible?
So horrible that this is deserved?
Perhaps.
Lately I feel more the monster and less...
Whatever I was before.
It is my birthday.
It is 1:34 am on Saturday the sixth of June.
1600 dollars.
I wish I could hear you.