shadow
Today Bryce described me as
"A shadow of your former self"
I'm not sure what it means.
I've been living with Bryce and Kristie for about four weeks now. We met in an Honors English class.
What was I then?
I look in the mirror and wonder.
I snuck home today for 2 hours. I had to get some new clothes and my deoderant.
Mom was not home. I don't know why, but I am glad for that.
Bryce played my Xbox for a while, and I went into my room.
My Grandfather had been staying there while I was gone.
Mom called me while my phone was still working. She left me messages begging me to come see him. She said "He is not long for this world, he wants to see you".
I didn't come home.
I didnt know what to say to him.
What do you say?
What do I say?
Apparently my life has become family knowledge, as everyone that I used to never talk to has been trying to get ahold of me.
My Uncle. My Aunt(s). My Grandfather.
What do you want me to say to the Mom?
How I hate every minute of every day, of ever single moment in this wretched, god-forsaken place?
Shall I tell them how I pump myself full of chemicals and alcohol to dissuade the urges inside of me? To keep myself moving and going so I can fufill an obligation that I am ashamed of?
Do you think I care?
I don't.
I'm not a nice person. I never have been.
He can die. They can die. It does not matter to me.
They have never been there for me, and I have never wanted or needed them.
My only sadness now comes from my nieces.
In the quiet moments when I am not consumed by pain I miss them. I miss the smiles on thier faces, and the love they have for me.
Maybe that is selfish.
But they love me for something, for some reason, that I cannot explain, and I miss them.
But I don't want to see them now. I know I would just push them away or hurt them, and I can't stomach that. I never had someone like that when I was young, and god knows I wish I had. I don't want to be remembered as cruel or unloving.
And yet, by all accounts, that is what I am.
A shadow of my former self Bryce?
No.
I am my former self. You just met a passing phantom.
And now you, like so many others, will suffer the dissapointment of the truth.
But not my nieces. If I can have anything, I will have them remember me as I was.
I want them to love me, because I need to know that someone thought that I was worth a damn, and that I mattered. I need to know that no matter what, I can still be a hero in someones mind.
At least this way they don't need a Batman like I did.
They can have me as I was,
and contrive their own story.
Each night the memory plays again. It doesnt matter how much sleep I deprive myself of, or what I drink or take. Each night I still remember that night. Each night I try to play it out differently.
Each night it is the same.
No nightmare has ever compared, because no nightmare has ever continued when I awoke.
1900 dollars
I want green fields.
"A shadow of your former self"
I'm not sure what it means.
I've been living with Bryce and Kristie for about four weeks now. We met in an Honors English class.
What was I then?
I look in the mirror and wonder.
I snuck home today for 2 hours. I had to get some new clothes and my deoderant.
Mom was not home. I don't know why, but I am glad for that.
Bryce played my Xbox for a while, and I went into my room.
My Grandfather had been staying there while I was gone.
Mom called me while my phone was still working. She left me messages begging me to come see him. She said "He is not long for this world, he wants to see you".
I didn't come home.
I didnt know what to say to him.
What do you say?
What do I say?
Apparently my life has become family knowledge, as everyone that I used to never talk to has been trying to get ahold of me.
My Uncle. My Aunt(s). My Grandfather.
What do you want me to say to the Mom?
How I hate every minute of every day, of ever single moment in this wretched, god-forsaken place?
Shall I tell them how I pump myself full of chemicals and alcohol to dissuade the urges inside of me? To keep myself moving and going so I can fufill an obligation that I am ashamed of?
Do you think I care?
I don't.
I'm not a nice person. I never have been.
He can die. They can die. It does not matter to me.
They have never been there for me, and I have never wanted or needed them.
My only sadness now comes from my nieces.
In the quiet moments when I am not consumed by pain I miss them. I miss the smiles on thier faces, and the love they have for me.
Maybe that is selfish.
But they love me for something, for some reason, that I cannot explain, and I miss them.
But I don't want to see them now. I know I would just push them away or hurt them, and I can't stomach that. I never had someone like that when I was young, and god knows I wish I had. I don't want to be remembered as cruel or unloving.
And yet, by all accounts, that is what I am.
A shadow of my former self Bryce?
No.
I am my former self. You just met a passing phantom.
And now you, like so many others, will suffer the dissapointment of the truth.
But not my nieces. If I can have anything, I will have them remember me as I was.
I want them to love me, because I need to know that someone thought that I was worth a damn, and that I mattered. I need to know that no matter what, I can still be a hero in someones mind.
At least this way they don't need a Batman like I did.
They can have me as I was,
and contrive their own story.
Each night the memory plays again. It doesnt matter how much sleep I deprive myself of, or what I drink or take. Each night I still remember that night. Each night I try to play it out differently.
Each night it is the same.
No nightmare has ever compared, because no nightmare has ever continued when I awoke.
1900 dollars
I want green fields.