(no subject)
And nearly a year later here I am again.
I'll probably post now just as frequently as I have in the past. Which means I'll post a few times in the next month and then disapear again, but whatever, I have some stuff floating around in my head and this as good a place as any to put them out and see how they appear outside of the confines of my mind.
The other week I was talking to my roomate and she made a comment that struck me. She was upset about yet another failed relationship and overall expressing frustration with life. She looked at me and said, "M,you seem to be happy, share your wisdom." I had no clue how to react to that statement - I think this is the only time in my life that anyone has looked at me and said - oh, she's happy. For so long I have been the girl that everyone has preassured to get into couseling, said i was too fucked up to be friends with, and in other ways implied that my mind is in trumoil - which quite frankely, it has been. I have been the girl who hid bulimia and self injury - and now - I'm the one who seems to be happy? My brain doesn't know what to do with this information.
I keep on turning the comment over in my head and I just don't know what to do with it. The question keeps running through my head - Am I happy? And to tell the truth - I don't know the answer. I'm in a better place then I have been in the past. I've cried less in the past year then before, and I've had less self destructive laspes - but I don't know if this counts as happiness. A part of me thinks that it's more acceptence. I have merely acceptedt that this is my life and my brain and there's no changing it. Another part of me wonders if maybe she read me right. I don't know where I'm going with this - I don't think i'm really going anywhere - just pouring out the thoughts and throwing them into the void.
I'll probably post now just as frequently as I have in the past. Which means I'll post a few times in the next month and then disapear again, but whatever, I have some stuff floating around in my head and this as good a place as any to put them out and see how they appear outside of the confines of my mind.
The other week I was talking to my roomate and she made a comment that struck me. She was upset about yet another failed relationship and overall expressing frustration with life. She looked at me and said, "M,you seem to be happy, share your wisdom." I had no clue how to react to that statement - I think this is the only time in my life that anyone has looked at me and said - oh, she's happy. For so long I have been the girl that everyone has preassured to get into couseling, said i was too fucked up to be friends with, and in other ways implied that my mind is in trumoil - which quite frankely, it has been. I have been the girl who hid bulimia and self injury - and now - I'm the one who seems to be happy? My brain doesn't know what to do with this information.
I keep on turning the comment over in my head and I just don't know what to do with it. The question keeps running through my head - Am I happy? And to tell the truth - I don't know the answer. I'm in a better place then I have been in the past. I've cried less in the past year then before, and I've had less self destructive laspes - but I don't know if this counts as happiness. A part of me thinks that it's more acceptence. I have merely acceptedt that this is my life and my brain and there's no changing it. Another part of me wonders if maybe she read me right. I don't know where I'm going with this - I don't think i'm really going anywhere - just pouring out the thoughts and throwing them into the void.