old messages
WHAT is wrong with me? [27 Sep 2006|10:09pm]
[ mood | Thank GOD I'm not an Alcoholic ]
[ music | Didn't Think it would turn out bad...Jon Brion ]
You know how it feels...the paranoia...the apathy. You've just lost interest in anything and everything you once held dear. You no longer see a point to living. And then you think...
You think about all the times when you let the could-have-beens pass you by...because you were TOO SCARED of change to take a chance...
You think about how different life would be now if ONLY you had said YES instead of NO...
You think about how perfectly those little happy endings would be.
Unfortunately, though, you can't turn back time. You are stuck where you are. Another year in what could easily be the best time of your life...if you'd just give it a chance. And then, you turn your head, terrified of stepping out, apathy coursing through your veins, desiring NOTHING new. Content with complacent non-living.
And then you ask yourself, Where the heck did I go wrong? And you know why things have changed...but you can NEVER tell anyone. You believe it with all your heart. But it causes all the dreams to take a backseat...or rather, disappear. Nothing in life seems so important in comparision. And it's truly not. What to do, what to do?
So, you sit here and cry your selfish little heart out. And you try to calm the paranoia and frustration with living that just keeps bubbling to the surface. You know logically it was your fault for not studying so hard and it is your decision what goes into your body and how you use it; even the apathy is a choice. You know that staying up all night is bound to create a rift in the relationship with your roomie, even if she doesn't say it bothers her, but her actions prove otherwise. And you know that if you don't work on that relationship in the first place, it is doomed to never exist except superficially. So, why do you fret and complain that you can't get rid of this apathy? You sit for hours contemplating what you want out of life, and you know how to get it. All you need is the discipline. You KNOW this. Why fight it. Just DO it and things will look optimistic again. Life is all about living, and you've stopped living. You are afraid to take those first steps. Either afraid or just plain lazy. Probably the latter.
And you sit here worrying about those former friends and just how many people really hate (dislike) you strongly. All because YOU didn't care enough about their feelings and their friendship to maintain it. Get over it! The world does not revolve around you and you can't just NOT LOVE someone and expect those feelings in return. Life...relationships...they don't work like that. How can you ever expect to have a relationship with someone if you don't have the balls to start one in the first place. And don't act like you don't want the relationship, because, buddy, I know you do. Stop being in such a hurry to skip all the in-between, taking-time-to-live steps. You want to skip the race and start at the finish line. It doesn't work like that!
Go ahead and cry. Crying is good for the soul. But stop being such a STAGNANT corpse and get up off that thang and do SOMETHING, ANYTHING!! It is NOT you against the WORLD. Stop with the negative thinking!! You can do this, you can live just to be living. Don't worry about this other stuff. It will happen in its own good time. Get YOUR own life together, because you WANT to LIVE and ENJOY life for yourself, not because of someone else. If you never learn to do this now, don't expect it to get better down the road. Life is just one big cycle of this same sort of stuff--over and over...
The HOPE is there. JUST DO IT!!! You have two weeks to start...Get it in GEAR! and DON'T worry about those other people-you-know out there living their own life. They've already learned how to LIVE. Isn't it about time you did the same?
EDIT: I think maybe the meaning of my message was skewed in translation somehow. Perhaps because I didn't talk directly about WHAT specific things were bothering me. I'm not hopeless. I am apathetic, which is different from depression. I'm ready to quit school and give up this old dream and move on. If I were smart, which I am not, I would milk this situation for all it was worth, and get the most out of this education. I'm having trouble with Chinese. I don't get along too well with the professor apparently, but its my own fault for not spending enough time studying to change the status quo. I'm failing Chinese, which really worries me, because without it, I can't get my degree. So, this begins a self-perpetuating cycle of my not caring to study because I'm going to fail anyways. Go figure. It's hard to get motivated. That, and I'm just outright lazy. I struggle with my weight and an eating disorder. It wouldn't be a problem, except for the added stress from the Chinese dilemma, I'm taking it out on my body. This is literally killing me. I can feel and see it. And that's a problem. I know that when I came down here, I had a hard time leaving behind the world of MECCa. I didn't get involved and I tried not to make friends. Unfortunately, this too, is a dooming self-perpetuation. All it requires is a little effort on my part. So, I'm trying. I'm scared to death, and want to float through, but we'll have to see. I'm still skipping classes like crazy and that terrifies me, but maybe I can nip it before it messes up my grade too much. Anyways, that's the real story, for those of you who didn't know and who were perhaps thinking the wrong thing about what I meant in the earlier entry. :-)
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Apathetic Aspirations [03 Sep 2006|10:28pm]
Wow! Could I be MORE dull and uninvolved? ...in these entries...in this life...
Things have changed so much for me this past year and a half. I look back on old entries and find them filled with petty dramas that have little consequence with the passage of only a short amount of time. I guess the question I should be asking myself is WHY my entire world was such a primitive (albeit momentarily exciting) one. Even the memories I beg to remember seem faint and far away. And the future?? The closer I've come to accomplishing what I set out to do, the less interested in doing it I have become. There's lots of things I have come to realize about life, and the sort of life I want. And when it all boils down to the bare basics, all I really want is to be a simple country girl. Of course, I have new aspirations to replace the old, but now I just feel as if I am waiting out the end of this sentence so that I can begin anew. Maybe these worlds will combine; maybe they won't, either way, I'm just ready to get this degree (if they'll give it to me) and get out of here.
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Edit on Classes [01 Sep 2006|03:33pm]
You may know that I've had a very hard time trying to get all my classes in order so as to be able to graduate this spring. It's gotten complicated. Then, just as randomly, it was solved, in a rare coincidence that I in no way believe was a coincidence. Let me explain. Yesterday was a very....lets use the word "UNSUCCESSFUL" day for me and I was feeling extremely! while eating lunch in the UC. I was running 0 for 5 on hopeful suggestions, perhaps was even ready to give up working on this crazy degree. But, as I stepped outside the doors, head down, sullen expression, I saw my friend Katie walking with her boyfriend, John. (Katie and I were in China together). We go through the usual greetings and she asks me why I seem a bit upset. I say only, its cause I'm having a lot of trouble getting the classes I need to graduate. Then, John perks up: "Would you happen to need GOVT 336?" (Which is interesting enough because it was EXACTLY the class I NEEDED, the only one that would possibly fit into my schedule with the exception of the like-anthro course!) I also went ahead and dropped Calligraphy and am taking Contemporary China instead. This should be a fun class, so even though I'm disappointed that I won't be able to take the calligraphy, I'm not too disappointed.
With this new schedule, I have class from 10am until 6pm with a two one hour breaks for lunch or study (at 12 and at 2). And fortunately, the workload is not that difficult. I only have three papers in all--one ten pager, two seven pagers, and a whole lot of short response 1-2page papers. I have two take home midterms, two take home finals (and the rest are all in class). I have too many group oral presentations to count (in Chin 309-Chin 201-Chin 303-Govt 336) and have to get creative with a group dance as well as write and present my own like-Chinese-literature poems, songs, and stories. Fortunately, my last exam is on Monday, December 18th instead of the 22nd of December, so that gives me a couple more days to be home with my family!!!
On a different note, we were out of class today. Everything was closed down and it was an ugly, nasty day outside. Electricity has been on and off all day, and my roomie has gone to bunk up elsewhere for the night. Matt came by; it was good to see him again.
Glad to be back in the States. Glad that I only have one more year down here to finish this degree. Glad that I finally, thanks to HELP, got a schedule I can work with to be able to accomplish just that.
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First Impressions: the Ups and the Downs [30 Aug 2006|10:21pm]
Day One of Classes.
History---MUCH MUCH MUCH better than I could have ever hoped for. Katie, Rachel, Mollie, other Rachel and IAN! are all in that class!
Chinese Lit--Okay, class load won't be too hard. Katie and Scuba Steve are both in that class, as well as Katherine (Chris' GF) and this girl I just met today, Sarah.
Chinese---Hard as...well, hard as some word I'm not going to use here...you all have imaginations, so feel free to expound thoughtfully. It's mostly speaking, and its gonna be one tough cookie! Fortunately, a lot of my old pals are in that class--Julian, Jack, Katie!. Oh, and that one hot guy whom I've only ever seen twice before and who was in the final last year and looks like a better version of CL? He is in that class too! Fu something or other, haha.
Zen---Another ANTHRO course! (not really; this one is religion and a different professor, but I can already tell its going to be JUST like the other. So...I dropped it, which brings me to my current state of frustration but we'll get to that a little later. Jack was in that class and Ian was supposed to be, but was a no-show. If he had been there, I may have just stayed...given me something to do with my time while I was staring off into the Buddha's silence attempting to comprehend. Haha. Sorry. That sounded extremely rude but I promise, it was written with all due respect.
Calligraphy---Exceptionally interesting class and I'm glad I am taking it. (For who knows how long w/ this latest scheduling crisis!) Christian (my ol' buddy from 325) and Jenny (from the evil anthro course) are both in there and so are a few people from my Chinese classes.
Tomorrow, I have dance (No comment) and Chinese drill. Should be an interesting day. And a meeting with my advisor to sort out this mess.
UMM, which I guess brings me to my current dilemma. It seems I have no real place in my schedule this semester and will end up with an overload next semester. And its mostly because I took out that stupid course!! Aahh! So, I added it back, after much deliberation. After an unsettling lunch in the overcrowded and noisy caf, I changed my mind, adament about the fact that I WILL NOT TAKE Another Anthro. And I won't.
Umm, I'm about to fall asleep here, ya'll, so I'll holla atcha later! PEACE!
If you know who you are, you can call me anytime. 5567 :D Love ya!
5 comments|post comment
[27 Aug 2006|07:06pm]
I'm officially back down at W&M for the start of Round 2 (and, thankfully, the final round).
China was interesting, a mouthful of other adjectives so overused that I won't even bore you with the mere utterance.
Fall schedule is pretty lenient, with lots of reading, mostly in Chinese, and since I live in the Chinese house, most of my speech will be in Chinese as well. Not that I haven't noticed that the English language is less readily available for my personal usage. Because it certainly has.
I have classes (mostly Chinese) from 10am until 4pm on Monday-Friday. On Tuesdays/Thursdays, I have class from 10am-12pm and then again from 2pm-5pm. Our fall break is October 13th-October 17th, so I'll be home then.
I'm pretty tired right now, so I'll update more later.
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Day 1 (and a Half) [15 Jun 2006|09:31am]
Dad, Cyn, and I drove up to DC on Tuesday morning. Traffic was great and the weather certainly did NOT match my mood. I think I was well feeling procrastination and denial up until the time I went to the airport at 3:45am. (PS...I haven't slept since then, so forgive me if I make no sense.) Anyways, on Tuesday, Em and Poppy able to go to downtown Washington and see all the historical monuments for the first time ever. I hope they had a safe trip home. We stayed at the Americana and it was a pretty nice, cheap place for being so close to DC and the airport. I think that morning was my first cab ride. Poppy couldn't stay but this one chick from W&M was already there with her dad, with everyone else arriving shortly thereafter. It wasn't too bad. My luggage actually turned out to be suitable and just enough (minus this laptop, without which I would be unable to report back to you.) We flew from Reagan to Toronto, rechecked the baggage there, and then caught a flight to Vancouver. (PS...I have now officially been on Canadian soil...outside the airport that is, lol). From Vancouver, it was a 12 hour flight to Beijing. I sat next to this guy working the Net for an American company concerned with routers. He was very helpful (spoke English too!) and helped me practice my Chinese. (which, btw, at this point gets me nowhere). He was from Guizhou province (Southern China). We actually got here around 3pm (local time...3am our time) and ended up doing the whole baggage, customs, money bit for a couple hours, meeting up with Tang Laoshi and waiting another couple of hours for two more travelers on a later flight. I also had my first interaction with the beggars...well, not really that, but similar in that they want to provide services for money. I felt sympathy for the woman who tried to grab onto my bags, but had already been forewarned and had practiced my "bu yaos' and felt comfortable using them. Still, it was sad. I pray God will visit those lil' ol' ladies. That was probably the strangest moment of the entire airport experience. We finally arrived at Tshinghua afterwards and had to check in. The front desk fella (good looking, yes!) said my Chinese name was "very beautiful." If I took all of China in the beauty of that moment, I think I could let go of most of the negative feelings generated by either culture shock or extreme jet lag. I wish I knew the language very well, at least well enough to converse freely with the natives. I think I might love China then, because China is really all about the people. The dorm rooms are pretty nice. I'll try to upload some pictures. Right now, I have no way to call out, but I'll hit you up when I find out something tomorrow. LOL. Right now, I'm running on empty and need to be up at 5:30 in the morning. (5:30 in the afternoon there). I'll have my laptop on probably from around 5:30-8ish at night and then around 7 or 8 in the morning. There's actually lots more I could say about the dorms and such, but maybe I'll just upload some pictures and you all can call it for yourself. Much Love from China,
Jennifer...aka Lanmengxi
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[12 Jun 2006|09:24am]
This is just a reminder that for the rest of the summer, I will be using a separate livejournal account for my entries: Please contact me on that site, if you wish to correspond with me during that time. And, for the record, I would love to hear from each and every one of you.
The account is:
www.livejournal.com/user/blue_dream_iii
Today will be my last day in Southwest Virginia. I'm leaving at 4am tomorrow for D.C. and I catch the first plane at 6am, meaning I have exactly 26 hours of flying time/airport waiting time before I reach Beijing.
Have a wonderful summer everyone and please to keep me in your prayers!
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[09 Jun 2006|11:27pm]
WOULD YOU????
Body: Body: Answer this and send it back 2 me.
Post it on ur bulletin w/ out the answers.
You might be surprised w/ the results
Y = Yes, N = No, M = Maybe
Would you? Will you?
[_] give me your number? (_ _ _) _ _ _- _ _ _ _
[_] give me your screenname? __________________
[_] kiss me?
[_] let me kiss you?
[_] watch a movie with me?
[_] go to dinner with me?
[_] let me drive you somewhere?
[_] take a shower with me?
[_] buy me a drink?
[_] take me home for the night?
[_] let me sleep in your bed?
[_] Sing car karaoke w/ me?
[_] re-post this for me to answer your questions?
[_] Come pick me up at 3 am because my car ran out of gas in the middle of nowhere?
[_] let me make you breakfast?
[_] help me with homework?
[_] tickle me?
[_] let me tickle you?
[_] stick up for me if i was being put down?
[_] instant message me?
[_] greet me in public?
[_] hang out with me?
[_] bring me around your friends?
D0 Y0U...
[_] think im hott?
[_] think im cute?
[_] want to kiss me?
[_] want to hook up with me?
[_] want to be my bf/gf?
AM I...
[_] smart?
[_] cute?
[_] funny?
[_] cool?
[_] loveable?
[_] adorable?
[_] great to be with?
[_] attractive?
[_] mean?
HAVE Y0U EVER...
[_] thought about hooking up with me?
[_] found yourself wanting a kiss from me?
[_] wished I were there?
[_] had a crush on me?
[_] wanted my number?
[_] had a dream about me?
ARE Y0U...
[_] happy you know me?
[_] thinking about me?
[_] interested in dating me?
[_] going to repost this
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[06 Jun 2006|03:01pm]
19 FIRSTS
1.Who was your first prom date?
I have never had a prom date. LOL.
2. Who was your first roommate?
Sara
3. What alcoholic beverage did you drink when you got drunk the first time?
Merlot
4. What was your first job?
Independence Unlimited 8th grade summer
5. What was your first car?
1989 Nissan Pulsar
6. When did you go to your first funeral?
I remember going to the funeral of this guy when I was a lil' girl..didn't know him, but he had committed suicide, and I remember crying b/c I thought it was such a sad thang for a person to do.
7. Who was your first grade teacher?
Mrs. Smith
8. Where did you go on your first ride on an airplane?
First flew from Cincinnati to NY-JFK and then from there to Paris-De Gaulle
9. When you snuck out of your house for the first time, who was
with you?
Never snuck out of anywhere, lol
10. Who was your first Best Friend?
Tabitha Dockery. We used to pretend we had a cave full of babies hiding them from the bad guys, haha
11. Where was your first sleepover?
Misti's house when I was about 4, lol
12. Who is the first person you call when you have a bad day?
depending on what it is, either my Mama or Sara
13. Who's wedding were you in the first time you were a Bridesmaid or groomsmade?
My cousin Karen's wedding I was a flower girl...only wedding I've ever been in
14. What is the first thing you do in the morning?
bathroom
15. What was the first concert you ever went to?
never been to any sort of concert, except maybe Lorrie Morgan at Fun Fest YEARS ago, and I wasn't really interested, just not old enough to do anything on my own yet
16. First tattoo or piercing?
nothing, no piercings
17. First celebrity crush?
My first crush was DEFINITELY Johnathan Taylor Thomas. I had that poster on my ceiling (of him lying down) and it was the ONLY poster I ever worried about putting up and leaving up.
18. Age of first real kiss?
17
19. First crush?
Brent Maness in the 6th grade
3 YEARS AGO TODAY (June 6, 2003)
How old were you?:
18
Where did you go to school?:
getting ready to attend MECC, actually this was the day before we Graduated HS
Where did you work?:
nowhere...it was the first summer I hadn't worked since I had been 14
Where did you live?:
Duffield, at Mama and Poppy's
How was your hair style?:
Longer than it is now
Did you wear glasses?:
Yeah, but I mostly wore my contacts
Who was your best friend?:
Liz, Amanda, and the rest of the gang
Who was your boyfriend/girlfriend:
no one
Who was your celebrity crush?:
didn't have one at the time
Who was your regular-person crush?:
wasn't really sure about this one either...I think probably the only person I had a crush on all year was Heath that year, and that whole thang was like a sour apple anyways
How many tattoos did you have?:
None
How many piercings did you have?:
none
What kind or car did you drive?
94 Chevy Cavalier-cherry red
What was your favorite band/group?
Bush or Nirvana!
What was your worst fear?
fear of the unknown, I guess...I don't remember really being afraid of leaving HS, just that it was necessary
Had you smoked a cigarette yet?:
no
Had you gotten drunk yet?:
no
Had you been to a real party yet?:
no
What was your main goal?:
college
Had your heart broken?:
no
Had broken someones heart?:
No
WHAT YOU ARE NOW (June 6th, 2006)
How old are you?:
Halfway through the age of 21
What grade are you in?
Finishing out a Summer in China as a study abroad soon-to-be-senior
Where do you go to school?:
the College of William and Mary in Williamsburg (soon to be Tshinghua University in Beijing)
Where do you work right now?
nowhere, getting ready to skip the country
Where do you live?:
right now, at Mama and Poppy's/ Next week in China/ Next Fall in Williamsburg in the China House
Where do you hang out?:
Sara's and here at home and at church
Do you have braces?:
No
Do you wear glasses?:
Yeah, and even though I have contacts, I usually wear these. I've just about given up on worrying about how I look, even though I shouldn't be so apathethic
Still talk to any of your old friends?:
I try to, but perhaps I should try harder?!
Who is your celebrity crush?:
DEFINITELY Viggo aka ARAGORN!
How many tattoos do you now have?:
0
How many piercings have you had?:
None
What kind of car do you have?
91 Subaru Legacy
What is your favorite singer/group?:
12 Stones
What is your biggest fear?:
Right now, of the unknown...of going to China and getting lost, of the entire plane ride experience
Have you smoked a cigarette yet?:
No
Have you been to a real party?
Nope
What's your main goal?:
To get through this summer right now...other than that, I'm sort of goal-depleted after I get my Bachelors in East Asian Studies
Has your heart been broken?:
Not really, I thought maybe once, but that was a fallacic instant
Have you broken someones heart?:
Not that I would know of
6 comments|post comment
Who Loves You Baby? [01 Jun 2006|09:04pm]
The other day was like a HS reunion or something. I saw all sorts of the old RC crew up at Wally World. It was a bit strange, having now been out of the swing of things for three years and counting. Soon, that will be my ol' MECC days, forever past. :-( Oh well, it was fun while it lasted. And even W&M won't be the same without Jenny next year! I just don't know WHAT I'll do with myself this coming fall. If I had to guess, though, I think that this summer is looking to be one of those turning points in a young woman's life.
Otherwise, I'm just sitting here listening to my sister's watching Shanghai Knights and thinking about miracles. Speaking of, it probably is since most of you have finally started updating again. Vive la Summer! :D
As per the record, here's that currently popular update.
1. Have you had a gf/bf?
Yeah, a grand total of ONE. LOL. And that isn't even saying much, considering we were about as compatible as ummmm, ice cream and pickles?!
2. Have you had your birthday?
Yup, Jan 15th
3. Been to church?
Last Night
4. Have you cried any?
Ummm, not in quite a while and I can't really remember what it was that I did cry about...so long ago.
6. Pulled an all nighter?
Never when it came to school-work. Yes when it came to traveling or old school slumber parties. haha.
7. Drank starbucks?
Only their White Chocolate and a few other types that I wasn't really ecstatic about.
8. Went shopping?
Just yesterday.
9. Been Camping?
Was going to camp out on Monday, but, ummm, things changed
10. Been to the beach?
only twice. I don't care for it.
11. Bought something for over $200?
LOL. Let's see...my laptop, my Subaru, college textbooks, plane tickets to China....
12. Met someone new?
not recently.
13. Been out of your home state?
definitely. Let's see. NC, KY, TN, OK, AL, GA, MS, AK, TX, MD, LA, SC, SwZ, FR, AUS, LICH, GER, and soon to be China, Tibet, and Canada...
14. Gone snowboarding?
Nope, but I'd like to
15. Kissed someone?
Not in the past year. LOL. I don't know if I should be glad or embarrassed?! LOL. Probably less the latter.
16. Slept in a friend's bed?
Many, Many, Many times
17. Snuck someone over?
never had to.
18. Snuck out of your own house?
never had to
19. Been to a bar?
Hmmm, let's see...I think they are countable on one hand...twice in the US, twice overseas...
20. Bought a car?
Once. Gonna look into buying one sometime in the next couple of years when I'm out of school (maybe) depending on where I'm at then.
21. Gone over your cell phone bill?
Don't use the cell phone anymore.
22. Been called a whore?
Definitely have, but there's no truth in an untruth! LOL
23. Drove somewhere?
Of course, but not as much as I should have for my age. LOL again
24. Done something you regret?
Perhaps once or twice.
LAST..
Thing you bought?
China survival supplies
Person you hugged?
I think my Mama
Person to call you?
the lady at the Health Department about those stupid shots I've been trying for 3 weeks to schedule
When was the last time you felt stupid?
I was stupified this afternoon, but not b/c I felt stupid....I guess I felt stupid this past Saturday night.
When was the last time you walked/ran over a mile?
hmm, W&M?! I don't know if I've walked so much since I've gotten back as much as just played hard. haha.
Who was the last person who saw you cry?
NO IDEA?!
Who was the last person who made you cry?
Unsure
Last person who you watched a movie with?
Oren, Cyn, and Em...we watched THE MAN WHO KNEW TOO LITTLE (one of my favorites! :-D)
Who last told you they loved you?
Mama? I guess?! Since I'm with her all day long now. LOL.
Who makes you smile most?
Jesus!
What are you listening to right now?
the sound of the fan blowing
Song that's stuck in your head right now:
Meeting in the Air
Hugs or kisses?
Full-body hugs
Do you think your ex misses you?
thats a definite OF COURSE NOT, LOL
2 comments|post comment
Ummmm.... [30 May 2006|08:41am]
[ mood | touched ]
Hey to all in LJ-ville!
It is almost the end of May so I thought I'd do a quick update.
I have about two weeks to go before I head over to China. So far this week, though, it hasn't even crossed my mind much.
Cyn graduated from HS on Saturday. I didn't get to go b/c I had to stay home and get everything ready for her grad. party. It was very tiring...especially since we babysat the bulk of the time and my cousin Taylor kicked me hard in the knee with his cleats on, leaving a lasting impression and a gigantic bruise in its stead. Maybe that wasn't as bad as his trying to hit me with a sledgehammer (TWICE!) while I was resting in the hammock. Grrr! But I had fun after our romper-room time was up. Justus and Oren came over and me, Cyn, and Em and Em's friend Tasha played some very competitive games of basketball. We did the whole cookout/roasting marshmallows thang, but it was somewhow just more fun playing all day. LOL. Which, btw, Sara remind me to tell you about when you come back. (Rem. the whole conversation at the wedding that day?!)
Anyways, that's about it. Sara, Patsy said she talked to your mama and that you were gonna be home in time and that you and Joe were gonna take me or something like that?! I am really confused?! so just get in touch with me when you can. (Just to talk and otherwise--trust me, it will be well worth your while. ;-) ;-) especially since certain ahem, things, have changed since October. And that SONG?! by Cascada...Everytime We Touch?! LOL. Well, let's just say, I have the funniest story about that one now!
Haven't heard from much of anyone, to be honest, but I hope everyone is enjoying their summer vacation. Have an Oo-de-lally sunny day! :-)
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[26 May 2006|10:46am]
[ mood | stressed ]
[ music | When You Say Nothing At All-Alison Krauss ]
Pay no nevermind. Except that Cyn is graduating tomorrow at 10am from RCHS and you are all invited! :P
I'm so upset right now. Sometimes, I can't STAND retarded relatives that are about as sensitive as a doorknob!!! My mama is the most caring person I've ever met in my life, but her stupid family causes her so much grief. And they think so much is wrong with HER...maybe they should take a loooong objective look at their own lives, their own children. I think actions speak louder than opinion, YES?! It is the most retarded thing I have ever heard of. But then, retardedness is void of logic.
Part of it makes me angry. You don't do that to my mama! She loves you all more than ANYTHING, more than any of you even know HOW to care! My mama is one in a million and she's unlike anyone else here. She thinks differently than you do. But she is the SMARTEST, WISEST person on earth (that I know of) and the best mama anywhere!! Don't believe me?! LOOK around. In spite of everything, she has THREE (count 'em) THREE (3) VIRTUOUS YOUNG VIRGIN DAUGTHERS who've never been on the wrong side of the law, never even TRIED illegal substances, and who have all graduated with honors and are well-respected by their peers and co-workers. Keep Looking. You'll find it was our MOTHER who raised us with God's Help, not our Poppy. Look even closer you'll find that my poppy has never nor does he now trust or respect you as he does not like or respect a lot of people. Would you feel the same way then?! Don't try to bite just because you feel that you've been pinched. It wasn't the human touch that pinched you, and you know this. Leave my mama alone, and stop trying to make our lives miserable just because you are miserable and the rest of the world is miserable. You know, I, like the rest of the world, want to step into the fight you started, but my mother is right. It wouldn't be biblical. It would be the blind leading the blind into a ditch. And I can't allow that. I love you and so does my family, but NO ONE (EXCEPT JESUS) could ever love and care for you the way my mother does....with all her heart. And you keep breaking her heart with your hardness. Do you just not care or can you not see the tears she cries after your call or your get-together. She cries for all of you. But do you CARE enough to consider how you make her feel? For some that profess to be not of this world, you sure do act as though you are. And I talk to myself too, but I TRY to be caring and sensitive to others' feelings. I'm given to not caring about any of you, not really, just an acknowledgement that I know you somehow. But if I did that, then I would be in the wrong. So i TRY not to. My mother has the right idea. Look to yourselves and judge objectively, that you won't have to be judged. She would help you when you ask it and even when you don't. But can you help her? Or are we all about the FUN so much that we have forgotten the importance of helping to bear each other's burdens. LIFE IS NOT ONE BIG PARTY, and when you make it this way, then you miss the TRUE JOY of LIVING.
LOVE you all (with my heart...trying to at least) and I PRAY that Jesus will VISIT each of you. :-)
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Without Thoughts... [22 May 2006|10:18pm]
[ mood | tired ]
Seeing as how it is past my 'bedtime' (LOL) and how I'm trying to update simply for the sake of doing so, you will have to forgive this one for inclusive nonsense. I don't really have anything on my mind worth divulging, save the inner intimate processes of an otherworldly relationship.
So....what have I been doing since last heard of? Mostly running full day errands in preparation for my trip in less than a month. Not really wanting to think about things too much but make sure all loose ends are tied up so as to relieve some of that pent up stress. I made a new LJ just for my travel journal. It is blue_dream_iii (taken from my name meaning in Chinese: Lanmengxi.) It won't really be started until around June 15th, or whenever I get myself established in Beijing. I know I'll make it there and back, but the thought still scares me just the same.
Speaking of which, I've been spending the time reliving my childhood and the growing up process, going back through poetry and home movies that time had all but erased from rememberance. Funny how things like that send us sentimentally floating. Made me feel sort of like Napoleon Dynamite's Uncle Rico and his intense desire to relive his past. Sometimes, I think of MECC in things like that. Case in point...I found my old Murder Me Always script while cleaning. It brought me close to tears reading it and reliving it. (SIGH) Those were the best days of my life so far; everything seemed so perfect and peaceful then. But now...?! I also found a fifteen page entry I had written contemplating all I had learned about life and knew I had yet to learn. It dated to a week before I found out I had gotten into UVA or W&M and right during the existentialism debate in philosophy class. Most of the concepts still hold but I can easily see the manifestation of change in my world.
I was trying to think of some of the highlights that I wanted to remember about my years at MECC. But I'm feeling lazy and I need to grab the ZZZs I missed yesterday. Think I'll ponder things and then post tomorrow (or at some unspecified future date). And in the meantime, you all can let me know what YOU think was/is best about the MECCa of our lives.
hmmm. A PSst: A Shout Out to My Main Man for Keeping us Safe when Cyn almost took us over the hill today in the car! :-) But I guess we all have at one time mistaken the brake for the gas.
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[13 May 2006|05:37pm]
Just sitting here at Sara's, watching the Buffy movie and making a movie of our own, and talking about the weird dreams we had last night. Weirdly enough, my dreams are of cowgirlin' with dark-haired strangers in bleachers covered with chlorinated h20 and Sara's are of familiarity and fantasy. Talk about screwed up hormones. LOL.
So far, I've spent the past two or three days here at her house. Her mama fixed a super buffet for dinner last night and I'm STILL stuffed. I will really miss this when I head to China. LOL. I think I'll just miss ANY American style meals all summer.
Last night, Becks and O came over. And I got to meet Joe finally. It was like old times, almost, but I could see how much I've changed this past year. Like its a whole 'other playing field or something. And I feel almost sorry for a certain individual. And I can't really fathom those feelings. I feel like this one person is almost taking this other person for granted, or maybe just doesn't realize how COOL this other person is and how COOL they are together. Maybe I'm completely wrong on this. Maybe I don't KNOW what I'm talking about. Part of me wants to get involved, to make the waves. Another part knows it won't work, that it won't be accepted by any side. Yet another knows how good it would be but another sees how well it would work with a third individual. Who knows? I think I'll just go with it and see what happens. My curiosity will NOT get the best of me this time.
Other than that, O and I were wrestling on Sara's couch. I was doing fine until he got me in one of those parallel positions constrained by the chair style. Just wait until we have it out on a mat when I get back from China. :D
Speaking of which, I'm going to start a new journal specifically for a travel journal. When I get it all set up, I'll give ya the stats.
Congrats to everyone who graduated on Friday from MECCa--Sara, Joe, Becks, Klaiber, Jason, O, Dawn, Jay, Beth, Heather...just everyone. It was also good to see Dave, Dylan, Mark, Diane, and Jay there. Friday was an end for me, too! It was the end of the MECCa era. And seeing other people there realized just how much I don't belong there anymore. Still an inbetween, I suppose. And I'm thinking that this means its time to move on from everything. I wish you all the best of luck in life. I enjoyed the time I have spent with you as some of the best times I've ever had. And I will cherish them forever.
6 comments|post comment
[05 May 2006|06:25pm]
[ mood | uncomfortable ]
[ music | Sugarcult_Counting Stars Again ]
So....I almost proposed to a friend of mine today. And where was my Other in my momentary lapse, just as I was about to succumb to crooning love songs and good conversation? Out. I hope I'm not engaged by the time she comes back. Of course, its Cinco de Mayo, so I'm thinking that will be a ways off.
Hey, I wanna crawl out of my skin
Apologize for all my sins
All the things I should(n't) have said to you
Hey, I can't make it go away
Over and over in my brain again
All the things I should (n't) have said to you
[Chorus:]
Counting stars wishing I was okay
Crashing down was my biggest mistake
I never ever ever meant to hurt you
I only did what I had to
Counting stars again
Hey, I'll take this day by day by day
Under the covers I'm okay I guess
Life's too short and i feel small
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The Difference between Beautiful and Hot? About Two Glasses [05 May 2006|01:32pm]
[ mood | curious ]
So here I am, spending my last two days in the swamp, and instead of preparing my China packing list, I'm sitting here discussing the differences between beautiful and hot. But its a somewhat unnerving concept that is preoccupying the shallow framework of my mind at present. What do you all think? What makes someone hot but not beautiful, beautiful but not hot, beautiful AND hot? Why should one strive to be these things, or should one? And finally how DOES one create beauty or create 'hot'...does it depend on the potential of the individual or do we all have potential?
I know its a very shallow concept, but still it weighs superficially heavy on an in-between mind. I'd just like your opinion, whatever it may be.
In other news, I have to run to campus and pick up my acceptance letter to Tshingua. But right now, I'm watching Heidi. This movie always makes me cry (as do most all movies that I watch, lol). I feel so in-between. Not quite ready to leave here but not wanting to stay. Just...in-between.
Anyways, I wish you all good luck with your exams next week! May you remember all the facts that have been shoved into your overflowing heads.
3 comments|post comment
[02 May 2006|08:05pm]
[ mood | energetic ]
[ music | If You Could Read my Mind: Gordon Lightfoot ]
Is something wrong with LJ?? Haha. For some reason, I can't read my friends entry. I guess it serves me right, since I haven't updated myself in forever and haven't checked friend entries' for some time as well. But I was getting tired of the depressing updates. I only seem to update whenever I'm depressed and that is how I procrastinate and deal. This time, I want to update for the sake of updating. That, and I'm feeling very procrastingly this afternoon! Should I be so happy?? This is exam week for me and I have a Chinese exam tomorrow that I haven't even begun to study for. Fortunately, its at 1pm, so I can study tomorrow morning early. Already this week I've had two exams: Econ and History of US-China Relations 1784-2006. Econ, I think I did well enough on to pass (although his tests are generally ambiguous and I actually have no idea how I fared!) History was a full on five hour exam crammed into a three hour period. 10-2 paragraph answers, 4-4 paragraph answers, and three essay (2 pages or more) answers. That and the ensuing brain drain and writer's cramp is definitely WHY I feel like procrasti-nation invasion tonight. I will have done well if I pulled a "C" on the exam. Not exactly happy, but I'm just glad its over. My exam on Thursday will be a real failure. I haven't even started putting some sort of study guide together for it, which means I'll likely fail a 50percent part of my grade for the class. I pray that I don't, but If I do, its not the end of the world. I'll just be glad to get out of here and come back home for a month before heading off to China. :-) And speaking of China, I just got my travel itinerary. It means I get to experience the whole of China--from the coast to Tibet (east to west) and hopefully from North to South, although I will be a little disappointed unless I get to go to Xi'an also, so a skip day might be in order to get there one weekend. Suzhou and Shanghai are definitely workable weekend trips also, from the urban to the rural, from the beach to the mountains. I'm uber excited and actually looking forward to going (instead of being a nervous wreck haha).
Other than that, I'll be making one final round of MECCa. I'm thinking maybe Tuesday of next week, to see Sara put on a play with her class. I MIGHT also come up on Thursday (last day of classes) but I'm wondering who all will be there?! It is, after all, the last day of exams. I will definitely be up there on Friday for the Graduation, though. Congrats to all you Grads! :-) I can't wait until next year when I grad, although I'm not sure what I'll do afterwards. Maybe stay here and take a year of Arabic at the nearby community college and then go traipsing off around the world doing volunteer work. Whatever I do, I've decided to take it to the next level, just worry about what I want to do with my life, not letting it hinge on what everyone else is doing with theirs. People make their own choices, and my choice has yet to be made regarding circumstances, but my wants and desires are there and I'm willing to pursue them if circumstances allow after next year. Sara's still thinking about coming down here and going to the acting acadamy. If she does, then we'll probably do the traipsing around the world bit together. That will be so much fun! :-) We're thinking maybe if we wait two years instead of the one and save up, we could work the whole Europe-North Africa-Middle East-East Asia-Oceania around-the-world deal and take half a year or so off for that. I guess it all depends on what goes down. And we still need to find a third roomie for next year, since I've already contracted to live on campus. But it would still be workable with a single.
But anywayas, I'm getting tied and I need to go downstairs and grab my clothes out of the washer! Later, ya'll, I'm out.
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[20 Apr 2006|08:44am]
T.h.e. W.h.o.s
Who is in the house with you? No One, I live alone
Who was the last person to IM you? Jenny
Who are you thinking about now? Becks, Sara, My Fam...nobody in particular
Who did you last talk to on the phone? My Mother or Sara
Who did you last kiss? Hoyt, last February. haha!
Who's house did you last go to? Jenny's
Who's birthday is next? Cindy's
Who was the last person you told you love them? Mama or Sara
Who's your favorite relative? Oren and Justus
Who do you hope will take this survey? Anyone who wants too
T.h.e. W.h.e.r.e.s.
Where do you live? Williamsburg, VA
Where is your phone? PC desk
Where are your parents? I would assume that they are home in Duffield probably outside working on some of Mama's Projects... :-)
Where do you sleep? my dorm bed (but ONLY for two weeks and three days longer!!)
Where do you shop the most? Food Lion or Big Lots, at least down here!
Where did you get the shirt you're wearing? Napoleon Hill-RADA camp
Where did you last take a car ride to? to my dorm from Swimming lessons
Where in your house are you? haha. I'm in my dorm room, so there's only one room!
T.h.e. W.h.a.t.s
What was the last thing you ate? Bran Flakes with powdered milk and h20
What was the last thing you drank? green tea
What color pants are you wearing? dark blue capris
What kind of cell phone do you have? old school digital freedom that I haven't used in forever
What is the closest item near you that is blue? my bowl or my exam booklet or the chair that I'm sitting in
What are you wearing on your feet? nothing
What instant messaging service do you use? Yahooooo!
What is your favorite color? Neon Orange and Cobalt Blue
What is your screen namE? sprkyunlmtd_13kc or virginsloresav2
What is your most used away message? Umm, I just use whatever occurs to me in that moment.
What is your favorite shoe brand? Adidas or Birkenstocks
What is the last movie watched? In theatres?? probably Hoodwinked! I haven't been back since.
What song are you currently listenin to? nothing, just the dull roar of the mowers on the soccer field and my incessent typing
T.h.e. W.h.y.s
Why are you taking this survey? Because I was being retarded today and I skipped my drill class
Why are (some) guys jerks? Because society speaks with a double forked tongue and dictates unhealthy standards of behavior for a "MAN" and these 'jerks' grow out of that melting pot of men as dominant, hedonistic, controlling, sexual animals.
Why did you take this particular survey? Because my Miss Becks took it AND Joe
T.h.e. W.h.e.n.s
When is your birthday? Jan 15th
When did you last go to the mall? when I was home during spring break maybe??
When did you last buy a new pair of pants? about 2-3 weeks ago!
When did you last burn a candle? It’s been a while
When did you last see your dad? 2 wks ago
When did you last see your mom? 2 wks ago
A-Z
A - Available: Until I meet my husband, YES
A - Age: 21
A - Annoyance: Guys who just want to Fook, when I hear bout Becks talking bout Greg :P, and people who are embroiled in religious issues that emphasize the outward appearance.
B - Best Friend: My Mama!! Sara is my Other, and Miss Becks and Tres and Jenny (up here)and Cris and Brad and O and Brit and and Everyone else b/c I love all you guys
B - Birthday: Jan 15th
C - Crush: Don't have any, unless you count Chris, although that's not really a crush either lol.
C - Car: 1991 Subaru Legacy, silver
C - Cat: Miss Kitty (but I love our flying squirrel Mr. Squiggles the MOST!!!)
D - Dead Pets Name: Beggar, Butch, Lady, Boots, Calico, Blackie, Fat Cat, Biskit, Coy, Hank, many other ducks, chickies, can't rem. em all
D - Dads Name: Donald Rufus
D - Dogs: Right now, Rusty and Duke
E - Easiest person to talk to: My Mama, Sara, or Jason on here
E - Eggs: I've actually been wanting some eggs florentine for DAYS!!
E - Email: sprkyunlmtd_13kc@yahoo.com I've had it since 1997
F - Favorite color: Neon Orange and Cobalt Blue
F - Food: I Heart Spinach Dip from Cheddars and Fiesta Lime Chicken from Applebees, and M&Ms with Peanuts I could eat by the bagful!
F - Foreign Slang: "Women shui jiao yiqi yiyang, hao ma?"
G - Gummy Bears or Worms: Gummy Bears
G - God: My rock and My fortress, a very present help, directing my steps always, omnipresent-with me always
G - Good Times: my MECC days! the best times of my life, and recently, sitting outside Big Lots with Jenny for 2 hours playing bloonies
H - Hair Color: Brown with Blonde Highlights
H - Height: 5’6
H - Happy: Coming HOME!!!
I - Ice Cream: Breyers!!!! or Homemade Snow Creme
I - Idol: My Mama! and Jesus!
I - In school?: W&M for another year, then who knows??
J - Jewelry: a Watch
J - Job: Nothing currently!
J - Jokes: we had a million of em back home!
K - Kids: I actually want to adopt a whole bunch of Chinese babies from the orphanages, altho the process is crazy. So it would help if I married a China-born native.
K - Karate: Tuesday nights with the girls, those were some great times!!!!
K - Kung fu: Karate’s Better
L - Longest Car Ride: Trip to OK City in February 2002/2003--24 hours total driving time!
L - Longest relationship: haha 2mths, which really isn't saying much
L - Last Kiss: Hoyt a year ago February
M - Milk Flavor: Best with Cereal!
M - Mothers Name: Nancy Lee
M - Movie Last Watched: Hoodwinked! Soon to be The Wild and Ice Age 2: the Meltdown and Over the Hedge
N - Number of Siblings: 2 (Cyn and Em)
N - Northern or Southern: Most ppl here are from Northern areas....but I LOVE HOME...so, no pref.
N - Name: Jennifer Lee Lane
O - One Wish: To Hurry up these next few weeks and get home!
O - One Phobia: Deep H20
O - Otter Pop: what is otter pop?
P - Parents: we have a great relationship
P - Part of your appearance you like best: my eyes, they're so almost asian and so blue!
P - Part of your personality you like best: my fun-spiritedness
Q - Quote: "If the Solution is simple, God is answering."
Q - Question for the next person? If you look into your future, from the point you are at right now currently, do you like what you see?
Q - Quick or Slow? I want things done quickly, but I'm super slow in my own growth too. Of course, the best way to overcome that is just to do it.
R - Reality TV Show: Never Watch em
R - Right or Left: Doesn’t matter cause I’m still trying to learn which is left and which is right! (AMEN to that!!)
R - Right now: I’m actually getting tired of this thang!
S - Song Last Heard: I don't know, but I was singing it last night after swimming. Some oldies song.
S - Season: End of the Spring semester!!
S - Sport: tennis
T - Time you woke up: 8am this morning
T - Time Now: 9:27am
T - Time for bed: between 10 and 11 hopefully
U - Unknown Fact about me: I'm really a quiet and shy person. Really.
U - Unicorns: makes me think of 'arry Potter.
U- u are: anxious and ecstatic to come home, anxious and scared to hop that plane to China
V - Vegetable you hate: eggplant
V - Vegetable you love? broccoli, spinach, mustard and turnip greens, carrots, sweet potatoes, potatoes, lettuce, cherry tomatoes, cabbage
V - Voice: Everyone up here just looks at me and smiles, and when I apologize and get embarrassed about it, they say, oh don't, I love it, it's such a welcome change!
W- Worst Habits: Being Lazy, skipping class, apathy about things
W- Where are you going to travel next? HOME, hopefully!
W- Where were you born?: Lonesome Pine Hospital in BSG, VA
X - X-Rays: only on my teeth, never elsewhere
X - Xylaphone: I think I had one too...I know emily did
X - X: XXX reminds me of Europe! haha
Y - Year it is now: 2006
Y - Yellow: for some reason reminds me of courtney
Z - Zoo Animal: I like the White Siberian Tiger...and I also LOVE SQUIRRELS!
Z - Zodiac: Capricorn
Z - Zoolander: don't care for the movie
How Do I know you: Joe, from High school and Becks, from that one Academic Team match our Senior year.
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[16 Apr 2006|08:51am]
I feel...depressed....again. Not that I have any reason to be....again.
Today marks the end of my major projects for the rest of semester (minus a Chinese skit) until Exam Week. Well, this morning did.
To recap on the past week or two:
1) Mama and the rest of my Family came down Saturday and stayed until early Tuesday morning. It was bittersweet even though for the most part, I enjoyed them being here. Mama actually said it was the most beneficial trip for the family that we've ever been on. Although it sure didn't seem like it many times the first day or so they were here. Maybe it was b/c we were all tired. They had driven eight hours and I had to spend about six hours taking the Foreign Service Written Exam on Saturday morning. And I had a not-so-nice Econ Midterm and IO Presentation coming up that put a foul spin on my time with my family. Obviously, I chose my family. As a result, I failed my midterm (52) and missed an IO quiz on Monday morning. But the time that I spent with them otherwise---swimming and in Colonial Williamsburg was SO MUCH FUN and definitely worth it.
2) I had to give an IO Presentation today with Christian. There were three other girls in the group, but thanks to registration, they were unable to make it, so we had to present their pieces. It wasn't so bad considering I had only found out Tuesday night and only received the slides early this morning. I was disappointed in my presentation--I stumbled over words and could not form sentences (perhaps b/c no breakfast, no intelligible thoughts?) All in all, I'm just glad it is over.
3) Tuesday was the first day of registration for Juniors. So far, I've signed up for 16 credits. I'm hoping to sign up for 22 (by taking 4 credits as audits). My (hopeful) schedule will be as follows:
10-10:50 - HIST 141 -History of East Asia until 1600 (also my Major Writing Requirement with Professor Canning)
11-11:50 - CHIN 309 -Survey of Chinese Literature in English
1-1:50 - CHIN 201 - Intermediate Chinese (I'm hoping to get permission to Audit this one!)
2-2:50 - RELG 308 - Zen (I take this class in the Wren Building, so I'm excited about that!)
3-3:50 - CHIN 303 & CHIN 180 - Upper Intermediate Chinese and Chinese Calligraphy (So far, I've signed up for the Calligraphy but have to get permission to take both--they fall in the same time period, but the Calligraphy is only on Wednesdays).
4:30-5:50 - GOVT 336 -Politics of China and Japan (Haven't signed up for this one b/c my major paperwork hasn't gone through yet!) EDIT: It looks like I won't be having this class next year, but that MIGHT change come fall, depending on when it is offered.
Tuesday/Thursdays I only have a 10-10:50 Chinese Drill I'll be auditing (hopefully) and a Modern Dance class from 2 until 3:45.
I'm pretty excited about it being the end of the year. From now (Friday) I only have THREE MORE WEEKS to get through (two of classes and one of exams). I'm actually done on the fourth at 11:30am. Sara and I were talking about finding out how she could come down here, but we'd have to fit all my stuff somewhere, so we are looking for a vehicular that could hold it all. No luck just yet. If B_Rad and the others came down, there's this place we'd HAVE to take them---a clothing optional community close by. But anyways, as of right now, my poppy is going to come down here this weekend (SATURDAY) to pick me up and we will be going back on SUNDAY. Honestly, I'm hoping Sara can come down and that we could fit everything into my ol' car. Or perhaps poppy would buy that van for me, then things would work out beautifully. But I reckon that we'll have to see. :-)
As always, Love you all! Can't wait to see you all graduate. That, and I plan on spending one day up at the college.
[ mood | Thank GOD I'm not an Alcoholic ]
[ music | Didn't Think it would turn out bad...Jon Brion ]
You know how it feels...the paranoia...the apathy. You've just lost interest in anything and everything you once held dear. You no longer see a point to living. And then you think...
You think about all the times when you let the could-have-beens pass you by...because you were TOO SCARED of change to take a chance...
You think about how different life would be now if ONLY you had said YES instead of NO...
You think about how perfectly those little happy endings would be.
Unfortunately, though, you can't turn back time. You are stuck where you are. Another year in what could easily be the best time of your life...if you'd just give it a chance. And then, you turn your head, terrified of stepping out, apathy coursing through your veins, desiring NOTHING new. Content with complacent non-living.
And then you ask yourself, Where the heck did I go wrong? And you know why things have changed...but you can NEVER tell anyone. You believe it with all your heart. But it causes all the dreams to take a backseat...or rather, disappear. Nothing in life seems so important in comparision. And it's truly not. What to do, what to do?
So, you sit here and cry your selfish little heart out. And you try to calm the paranoia and frustration with living that just keeps bubbling to the surface. You know logically it was your fault for not studying so hard and it is your decision what goes into your body and how you use it; even the apathy is a choice. You know that staying up all night is bound to create a rift in the relationship with your roomie, even if she doesn't say it bothers her, but her actions prove otherwise. And you know that if you don't work on that relationship in the first place, it is doomed to never exist except superficially. So, why do you fret and complain that you can't get rid of this apathy? You sit for hours contemplating what you want out of life, and you know how to get it. All you need is the discipline. You KNOW this. Why fight it. Just DO it and things will look optimistic again. Life is all about living, and you've stopped living. You are afraid to take those first steps. Either afraid or just plain lazy. Probably the latter.
And you sit here worrying about those former friends and just how many people really hate (dislike) you strongly. All because YOU didn't care enough about their feelings and their friendship to maintain it. Get over it! The world does not revolve around you and you can't just NOT LOVE someone and expect those feelings in return. Life...relationships...they don't work like that. How can you ever expect to have a relationship with someone if you don't have the balls to start one in the first place. And don't act like you don't want the relationship, because, buddy, I know you do. Stop being in such a hurry to skip all the in-between, taking-time-to-live steps. You want to skip the race and start at the finish line. It doesn't work like that!
Go ahead and cry. Crying is good for the soul. But stop being such a STAGNANT corpse and get up off that thang and do SOMETHING, ANYTHING!! It is NOT you against the WORLD. Stop with the negative thinking!! You can do this, you can live just to be living. Don't worry about this other stuff. It will happen in its own good time. Get YOUR own life together, because you WANT to LIVE and ENJOY life for yourself, not because of someone else. If you never learn to do this now, don't expect it to get better down the road. Life is just one big cycle of this same sort of stuff--over and over...
The HOPE is there. JUST DO IT!!! You have two weeks to start...Get it in GEAR! and DON'T worry about those other people-you-know out there living their own life. They've already learned how to LIVE. Isn't it about time you did the same?
EDIT: I think maybe the meaning of my message was skewed in translation somehow. Perhaps because I didn't talk directly about WHAT specific things were bothering me. I'm not hopeless. I am apathetic, which is different from depression. I'm ready to quit school and give up this old dream and move on. If I were smart, which I am not, I would milk this situation for all it was worth, and get the most out of this education. I'm having trouble with Chinese. I don't get along too well with the professor apparently, but its my own fault for not spending enough time studying to change the status quo. I'm failing Chinese, which really worries me, because without it, I can't get my degree. So, this begins a self-perpetuating cycle of my not caring to study because I'm going to fail anyways. Go figure. It's hard to get motivated. That, and I'm just outright lazy. I struggle with my weight and an eating disorder. It wouldn't be a problem, except for the added stress from the Chinese dilemma, I'm taking it out on my body. This is literally killing me. I can feel and see it. And that's a problem. I know that when I came down here, I had a hard time leaving behind the world of MECCa. I didn't get involved and I tried not to make friends. Unfortunately, this too, is a dooming self-perpetuation. All it requires is a little effort on my part. So, I'm trying. I'm scared to death, and want to float through, but we'll have to see. I'm still skipping classes like crazy and that terrifies me, but maybe I can nip it before it messes up my grade too much. Anyways, that's the real story, for those of you who didn't know and who were perhaps thinking the wrong thing about what I meant in the earlier entry. :-)
10 comments|post comment
Apathetic Aspirations [03 Sep 2006|10:28pm]
Wow! Could I be MORE dull and uninvolved? ...in these entries...in this life...
Things have changed so much for me this past year and a half. I look back on old entries and find them filled with petty dramas that have little consequence with the passage of only a short amount of time. I guess the question I should be asking myself is WHY my entire world was such a primitive (albeit momentarily exciting) one. Even the memories I beg to remember seem faint and far away. And the future?? The closer I've come to accomplishing what I set out to do, the less interested in doing it I have become. There's lots of things I have come to realize about life, and the sort of life I want. And when it all boils down to the bare basics, all I really want is to be a simple country girl. Of course, I have new aspirations to replace the old, but now I just feel as if I am waiting out the end of this sentence so that I can begin anew. Maybe these worlds will combine; maybe they won't, either way, I'm just ready to get this degree (if they'll give it to me) and get out of here.
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Edit on Classes [01 Sep 2006|03:33pm]
You may know that I've had a very hard time trying to get all my classes in order so as to be able to graduate this spring. It's gotten complicated. Then, just as randomly, it was solved, in a rare coincidence that I in no way believe was a coincidence. Let me explain. Yesterday was a very....lets use the word "UNSUCCESSFUL" day for me and I was feeling extremely! while eating lunch in the UC. I was running 0 for 5 on hopeful suggestions, perhaps was even ready to give up working on this crazy degree. But, as I stepped outside the doors, head down, sullen expression, I saw my friend Katie walking with her boyfriend, John. (Katie and I were in China together). We go through the usual greetings and she asks me why I seem a bit upset. I say only, its cause I'm having a lot of trouble getting the classes I need to graduate. Then, John perks up: "Would you happen to need GOVT 336?" (Which is interesting enough because it was EXACTLY the class I NEEDED, the only one that would possibly fit into my schedule with the exception of the like-anthro course!) I also went ahead and dropped Calligraphy and am taking Contemporary China instead. This should be a fun class, so even though I'm disappointed that I won't be able to take the calligraphy, I'm not too disappointed.
With this new schedule, I have class from 10am until 6pm with a two one hour breaks for lunch or study (at 12 and at 2). And fortunately, the workload is not that difficult. I only have three papers in all--one ten pager, two seven pagers, and a whole lot of short response 1-2page papers. I have two take home midterms, two take home finals (and the rest are all in class). I have too many group oral presentations to count (in Chin 309-Chin 201-Chin 303-Govt 336) and have to get creative with a group dance as well as write and present my own like-Chinese-literature poems, songs, and stories. Fortunately, my last exam is on Monday, December 18th instead of the 22nd of December, so that gives me a couple more days to be home with my family!!!
On a different note, we were out of class today. Everything was closed down and it was an ugly, nasty day outside. Electricity has been on and off all day, and my roomie has gone to bunk up elsewhere for the night. Matt came by; it was good to see him again.
Glad to be back in the States. Glad that I only have one more year down here to finish this degree. Glad that I finally, thanks to HELP, got a schedule I can work with to be able to accomplish just that.
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First Impressions: the Ups and the Downs [30 Aug 2006|10:21pm]
Day One of Classes.
History---MUCH MUCH MUCH better than I could have ever hoped for. Katie, Rachel, Mollie, other Rachel and IAN! are all in that class!
Chinese Lit--Okay, class load won't be too hard. Katie and Scuba Steve are both in that class, as well as Katherine (Chris' GF) and this girl I just met today, Sarah.
Chinese---Hard as...well, hard as some word I'm not going to use here...you all have imaginations, so feel free to expound thoughtfully. It's mostly speaking, and its gonna be one tough cookie! Fortunately, a lot of my old pals are in that class--Julian, Jack, Katie!. Oh, and that one hot guy whom I've only ever seen twice before and who was in the final last year and looks like a better version of CL? He is in that class too! Fu something or other, haha.
Zen---Another ANTHRO course! (not really; this one is religion and a different professor, but I can already tell its going to be JUST like the other. So...I dropped it, which brings me to my current state of frustration but we'll get to that a little later. Jack was in that class and Ian was supposed to be, but was a no-show. If he had been there, I may have just stayed...given me something to do with my time while I was staring off into the Buddha's silence attempting to comprehend. Haha. Sorry. That sounded extremely rude but I promise, it was written with all due respect.
Calligraphy---Exceptionally interesting class and I'm glad I am taking it. (For who knows how long w/ this latest scheduling crisis!) Christian (my ol' buddy from 325) and Jenny (from the evil anthro course) are both in there and so are a few people from my Chinese classes.
Tomorrow, I have dance (No comment) and Chinese drill. Should be an interesting day. And a meeting with my advisor to sort out this mess.
UMM, which I guess brings me to my current dilemma. It seems I have no real place in my schedule this semester and will end up with an overload next semester. And its mostly because I took out that stupid course!! Aahh! So, I added it back, after much deliberation. After an unsettling lunch in the overcrowded and noisy caf, I changed my mind, adament about the fact that I WILL NOT TAKE Another Anthro. And I won't.
Umm, I'm about to fall asleep here, ya'll, so I'll holla atcha later! PEACE!
If you know who you are, you can call me anytime. 5567 :D Love ya!
5 comments|post comment
[27 Aug 2006|07:06pm]
I'm officially back down at W&M for the start of Round 2 (and, thankfully, the final round).
China was interesting, a mouthful of other adjectives so overused that I won't even bore you with the mere utterance.
Fall schedule is pretty lenient, with lots of reading, mostly in Chinese, and since I live in the Chinese house, most of my speech will be in Chinese as well. Not that I haven't noticed that the English language is less readily available for my personal usage. Because it certainly has.
I have classes (mostly Chinese) from 10am until 4pm on Monday-Friday. On Tuesdays/Thursdays, I have class from 10am-12pm and then again from 2pm-5pm. Our fall break is October 13th-October 17th, so I'll be home then.
I'm pretty tired right now, so I'll update more later.
6 comments|post comment
Day 1 (and a Half) [15 Jun 2006|09:31am]
Dad, Cyn, and I drove up to DC on Tuesday morning. Traffic was great and the weather certainly did NOT match my mood. I think I was well feeling procrastination and denial up until the time I went to the airport at 3:45am. (PS...I haven't slept since then, so forgive me if I make no sense.) Anyways, on Tuesday, Em and Poppy able to go to downtown Washington and see all the historical monuments for the first time ever. I hope they had a safe trip home. We stayed at the Americana and it was a pretty nice, cheap place for being so close to DC and the airport. I think that morning was my first cab ride. Poppy couldn't stay but this one chick from W&M was already there with her dad, with everyone else arriving shortly thereafter. It wasn't too bad. My luggage actually turned out to be suitable and just enough (minus this laptop, without which I would be unable to report back to you.) We flew from Reagan to Toronto, rechecked the baggage there, and then caught a flight to Vancouver. (PS...I have now officially been on Canadian soil...outside the airport that is, lol). From Vancouver, it was a 12 hour flight to Beijing. I sat next to this guy working the Net for an American company concerned with routers. He was very helpful (spoke English too!) and helped me practice my Chinese. (which, btw, at this point gets me nowhere). He was from Guizhou province (Southern China). We actually got here around 3pm (local time...3am our time) and ended up doing the whole baggage, customs, money bit for a couple hours, meeting up with Tang Laoshi and waiting another couple of hours for two more travelers on a later flight. I also had my first interaction with the beggars...well, not really that, but similar in that they want to provide services for money. I felt sympathy for the woman who tried to grab onto my bags, but had already been forewarned and had practiced my "bu yaos' and felt comfortable using them. Still, it was sad. I pray God will visit those lil' ol' ladies. That was probably the strangest moment of the entire airport experience. We finally arrived at Tshinghua afterwards and had to check in. The front desk fella (good looking, yes!) said my Chinese name was "very beautiful." If I took all of China in the beauty of that moment, I think I could let go of most of the negative feelings generated by either culture shock or extreme jet lag. I wish I knew the language very well, at least well enough to converse freely with the natives. I think I might love China then, because China is really all about the people. The dorm rooms are pretty nice. I'll try to upload some pictures. Right now, I have no way to call out, but I'll hit you up when I find out something tomorrow. LOL. Right now, I'm running on empty and need to be up at 5:30 in the morning. (5:30 in the afternoon there). I'll have my laptop on probably from around 5:30-8ish at night and then around 7 or 8 in the morning. There's actually lots more I could say about the dorms and such, but maybe I'll just upload some pictures and you all can call it for yourself. Much Love from China,
Jennifer...aka Lanmengxi
4 comments|post comment
[12 Jun 2006|09:24am]
This is just a reminder that for the rest of the summer, I will be using a separate livejournal account for my entries: Please contact me on that site, if you wish to correspond with me during that time. And, for the record, I would love to hear from each and every one of you.
The account is:
www.livejournal.com/user/blue_dream_iii
Today will be my last day in Southwest Virginia. I'm leaving at 4am tomorrow for D.C. and I catch the first plane at 6am, meaning I have exactly 26 hours of flying time/airport waiting time before I reach Beijing.
Have a wonderful summer everyone and please to keep me in your prayers!
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[09 Jun 2006|11:27pm]
WOULD YOU????
Body: Body: Answer this and send it back 2 me.
Post it on ur bulletin w/ out the answers.
You might be surprised w/ the results
Y = Yes, N = No, M = Maybe
Would you? Will you?
[_] give me your number? (_ _ _) _ _ _- _ _ _ _
[_] give me your screenname? __________________
[_] kiss me?
[_] let me kiss you?
[_] watch a movie with me?
[_] go to dinner with me?
[_] let me drive you somewhere?
[_] take a shower with me?
[_] buy me a drink?
[_] take me home for the night?
[_] let me sleep in your bed?
[_] Sing car karaoke w/ me?
[_] re-post this for me to answer your questions?
[_] Come pick me up at 3 am because my car ran out of gas in the middle of nowhere?
[_] let me make you breakfast?
[_] help me with homework?
[_] tickle me?
[_] let me tickle you?
[_] stick up for me if i was being put down?
[_] instant message me?
[_] greet me in public?
[_] hang out with me?
[_] bring me around your friends?
D0 Y0U...
[_] think im hott?
[_] think im cute?
[_] want to kiss me?
[_] want to hook up with me?
[_] want to be my bf/gf?
AM I...
[_] smart?
[_] cute?
[_] funny?
[_] cool?
[_] loveable?
[_] adorable?
[_] great to be with?
[_] attractive?
[_] mean?
HAVE Y0U EVER...
[_] thought about hooking up with me?
[_] found yourself wanting a kiss from me?
[_] wished I were there?
[_] had a crush on me?
[_] wanted my number?
[_] had a dream about me?
ARE Y0U...
[_] happy you know me?
[_] thinking about me?
[_] interested in dating me?
[_] going to repost this
1 comment|post comment
[06 Jun 2006|03:01pm]
19 FIRSTS
1.Who was your first prom date?
I have never had a prom date. LOL.
2. Who was your first roommate?
Sara
3. What alcoholic beverage did you drink when you got drunk the first time?
Merlot
4. What was your first job?
Independence Unlimited 8th grade summer
5. What was your first car?
1989 Nissan Pulsar
6. When did you go to your first funeral?
I remember going to the funeral of this guy when I was a lil' girl..didn't know him, but he had committed suicide, and I remember crying b/c I thought it was such a sad thang for a person to do.
7. Who was your first grade teacher?
Mrs. Smith
8. Where did you go on your first ride on an airplane?
First flew from Cincinnati to NY-JFK and then from there to Paris-De Gaulle
9. When you snuck out of your house for the first time, who was
with you?
Never snuck out of anywhere, lol
10. Who was your first Best Friend?
Tabitha Dockery. We used to pretend we had a cave full of babies hiding them from the bad guys, haha
11. Where was your first sleepover?
Misti's house when I was about 4, lol
12. Who is the first person you call when you have a bad day?
depending on what it is, either my Mama or Sara
13. Who's wedding were you in the first time you were a Bridesmaid or groomsmade?
My cousin Karen's wedding I was a flower girl...only wedding I've ever been in
14. What is the first thing you do in the morning?
bathroom
15. What was the first concert you ever went to?
never been to any sort of concert, except maybe Lorrie Morgan at Fun Fest YEARS ago, and I wasn't really interested, just not old enough to do anything on my own yet
16. First tattoo or piercing?
nothing, no piercings
17. First celebrity crush?
My first crush was DEFINITELY Johnathan Taylor Thomas. I had that poster on my ceiling (of him lying down) and it was the ONLY poster I ever worried about putting up and leaving up.
18. Age of first real kiss?
17
19. First crush?
Brent Maness in the 6th grade
3 YEARS AGO TODAY (June 6, 2003)
How old were you?:
18
Where did you go to school?:
getting ready to attend MECC, actually this was the day before we Graduated HS
Where did you work?:
nowhere...it was the first summer I hadn't worked since I had been 14
Where did you live?:
Duffield, at Mama and Poppy's
How was your hair style?:
Longer than it is now
Did you wear glasses?:
Yeah, but I mostly wore my contacts
Who was your best friend?:
Liz, Amanda, and the rest of the gang
Who was your boyfriend/girlfriend:
no one
Who was your celebrity crush?:
didn't have one at the time
Who was your regular-person crush?:
wasn't really sure about this one either...I think probably the only person I had a crush on all year was Heath that year, and that whole thang was like a sour apple anyways
How many tattoos did you have?:
None
How many piercings did you have?:
none
What kind or car did you drive?
94 Chevy Cavalier-cherry red
What was your favorite band/group?
Bush or Nirvana!
What was your worst fear?
fear of the unknown, I guess...I don't remember really being afraid of leaving HS, just that it was necessary
Had you smoked a cigarette yet?:
no
Had you gotten drunk yet?:
no
Had you been to a real party yet?:
no
What was your main goal?:
college
Had your heart broken?:
no
Had broken someones heart?:
No
WHAT YOU ARE NOW (June 6th, 2006)
How old are you?:
Halfway through the age of 21
What grade are you in?
Finishing out a Summer in China as a study abroad soon-to-be-senior
Where do you go to school?:
the College of William and Mary in Williamsburg (soon to be Tshinghua University in Beijing)
Where do you work right now?
nowhere, getting ready to skip the country
Where do you live?:
right now, at Mama and Poppy's/ Next week in China/ Next Fall in Williamsburg in the China House
Where do you hang out?:
Sara's and here at home and at church
Do you have braces?:
No
Do you wear glasses?:
Yeah, and even though I have contacts, I usually wear these. I've just about given up on worrying about how I look, even though I shouldn't be so apathethic
Still talk to any of your old friends?:
I try to, but perhaps I should try harder?!
Who is your celebrity crush?:
DEFINITELY Viggo aka ARAGORN!
How many tattoos do you now have?:
0
How many piercings have you had?:
None
What kind of car do you have?
91 Subaru Legacy
What is your favorite singer/group?:
12 Stones
What is your biggest fear?:
Right now, of the unknown...of going to China and getting lost, of the entire plane ride experience
Have you smoked a cigarette yet?:
No
Have you been to a real party?
Nope
What's your main goal?:
To get through this summer right now...other than that, I'm sort of goal-depleted after I get my Bachelors in East Asian Studies
Has your heart been broken?:
Not really, I thought maybe once, but that was a fallacic instant
Have you broken someones heart?:
Not that I would know of
6 comments|post comment
Who Loves You Baby? [01 Jun 2006|09:04pm]
The other day was like a HS reunion or something. I saw all sorts of the old RC crew up at Wally World. It was a bit strange, having now been out of the swing of things for three years and counting. Soon, that will be my ol' MECC days, forever past. :-( Oh well, it was fun while it lasted. And even W&M won't be the same without Jenny next year! I just don't know WHAT I'll do with myself this coming fall. If I had to guess, though, I think that this summer is looking to be one of those turning points in a young woman's life.
Otherwise, I'm just sitting here listening to my sister's watching Shanghai Knights and thinking about miracles. Speaking of, it probably is since most of you have finally started updating again. Vive la Summer! :D
As per the record, here's that currently popular update.
1. Have you had a gf/bf?
Yeah, a grand total of ONE. LOL. And that isn't even saying much, considering we were about as compatible as ummmm, ice cream and pickles?!
2. Have you had your birthday?
Yup, Jan 15th
3. Been to church?
Last Night
4. Have you cried any?
Ummm, not in quite a while and I can't really remember what it was that I did cry about...so long ago.
6. Pulled an all nighter?
Never when it came to school-work. Yes when it came to traveling or old school slumber parties. haha.
7. Drank starbucks?
Only their White Chocolate and a few other types that I wasn't really ecstatic about.
8. Went shopping?
Just yesterday.
9. Been Camping?
Was going to camp out on Monday, but, ummm, things changed
10. Been to the beach?
only twice. I don't care for it.
11. Bought something for over $200?
LOL. Let's see...my laptop, my Subaru, college textbooks, plane tickets to China....
12. Met someone new?
not recently.
13. Been out of your home state?
definitely. Let's see. NC, KY, TN, OK, AL, GA, MS, AK, TX, MD, LA, SC, SwZ, FR, AUS, LICH, GER, and soon to be China, Tibet, and Canada...
14. Gone snowboarding?
Nope, but I'd like to
15. Kissed someone?
Not in the past year. LOL. I don't know if I should be glad or embarrassed?! LOL. Probably less the latter.
16. Slept in a friend's bed?
Many, Many, Many times
17. Snuck someone over?
never had to.
18. Snuck out of your own house?
never had to
19. Been to a bar?
Hmmm, let's see...I think they are countable on one hand...twice in the US, twice overseas...
20. Bought a car?
Once. Gonna look into buying one sometime in the next couple of years when I'm out of school (maybe) depending on where I'm at then.
21. Gone over your cell phone bill?
Don't use the cell phone anymore.
22. Been called a whore?
Definitely have, but there's no truth in an untruth! LOL
23. Drove somewhere?
Of course, but not as much as I should have for my age. LOL again
24. Done something you regret?
Perhaps once or twice.
LAST..
Thing you bought?
China survival supplies
Person you hugged?
I think my Mama
Person to call you?
the lady at the Health Department about those stupid shots I've been trying for 3 weeks to schedule
When was the last time you felt stupid?
I was stupified this afternoon, but not b/c I felt stupid....I guess I felt stupid this past Saturday night.
When was the last time you walked/ran over a mile?
hmm, W&M?! I don't know if I've walked so much since I've gotten back as much as just played hard. haha.
Who was the last person who saw you cry?
NO IDEA?!
Who was the last person who made you cry?
Unsure
Last person who you watched a movie with?
Oren, Cyn, and Em...we watched THE MAN WHO KNEW TOO LITTLE (one of my favorites! :-D)
Who last told you they loved you?
Mama? I guess?! Since I'm with her all day long now. LOL.
Who makes you smile most?
Jesus!
What are you listening to right now?
the sound of the fan blowing
Song that's stuck in your head right now:
Meeting in the Air
Hugs or kisses?
Full-body hugs
Do you think your ex misses you?
thats a definite OF COURSE NOT, LOL
2 comments|post comment
Ummmm.... [30 May 2006|08:41am]
[ mood | touched ]
Hey to all in LJ-ville!
It is almost the end of May so I thought I'd do a quick update.
I have about two weeks to go before I head over to China. So far this week, though, it hasn't even crossed my mind much.
Cyn graduated from HS on Saturday. I didn't get to go b/c I had to stay home and get everything ready for her grad. party. It was very tiring...especially since we babysat the bulk of the time and my cousin Taylor kicked me hard in the knee with his cleats on, leaving a lasting impression and a gigantic bruise in its stead. Maybe that wasn't as bad as his trying to hit me with a sledgehammer (TWICE!) while I was resting in the hammock. Grrr! But I had fun after our romper-room time was up. Justus and Oren came over and me, Cyn, and Em and Em's friend Tasha played some very competitive games of basketball. We did the whole cookout/roasting marshmallows thang, but it was somewhow just more fun playing all day. LOL. Which, btw, Sara remind me to tell you about when you come back. (Rem. the whole conversation at the wedding that day?!)
Anyways, that's about it. Sara, Patsy said she talked to your mama and that you were gonna be home in time and that you and Joe were gonna take me or something like that?! I am really confused?! so just get in touch with me when you can. (Just to talk and otherwise--trust me, it will be well worth your while. ;-) ;-) especially since certain ahem, things, have changed since October. And that SONG?! by Cascada...Everytime We Touch?! LOL. Well, let's just say, I have the funniest story about that one now!
Haven't heard from much of anyone, to be honest, but I hope everyone is enjoying their summer vacation. Have an Oo-de-lally sunny day! :-)
11 comments|post comment
[26 May 2006|10:46am]
[ mood | stressed ]
[ music | When You Say Nothing At All-Alison Krauss ]
Pay no nevermind. Except that Cyn is graduating tomorrow at 10am from RCHS and you are all invited! :P
I'm so upset right now. Sometimes, I can't STAND retarded relatives that are about as sensitive as a doorknob!!! My mama is the most caring person I've ever met in my life, but her stupid family causes her so much grief. And they think so much is wrong with HER...maybe they should take a loooong objective look at their own lives, their own children. I think actions speak louder than opinion, YES?! It is the most retarded thing I have ever heard of. But then, retardedness is void of logic.
Part of it makes me angry. You don't do that to my mama! She loves you all more than ANYTHING, more than any of you even know HOW to care! My mama is one in a million and she's unlike anyone else here. She thinks differently than you do. But she is the SMARTEST, WISEST person on earth (that I know of) and the best mama anywhere!! Don't believe me?! LOOK around. In spite of everything, she has THREE (count 'em) THREE (3) VIRTUOUS YOUNG VIRGIN DAUGTHERS who've never been on the wrong side of the law, never even TRIED illegal substances, and who have all graduated with honors and are well-respected by their peers and co-workers. Keep Looking. You'll find it was our MOTHER who raised us with God's Help, not our Poppy. Look even closer you'll find that my poppy has never nor does he now trust or respect you as he does not like or respect a lot of people. Would you feel the same way then?! Don't try to bite just because you feel that you've been pinched. It wasn't the human touch that pinched you, and you know this. Leave my mama alone, and stop trying to make our lives miserable just because you are miserable and the rest of the world is miserable. You know, I, like the rest of the world, want to step into the fight you started, but my mother is right. It wouldn't be biblical. It would be the blind leading the blind into a ditch. And I can't allow that. I love you and so does my family, but NO ONE (EXCEPT JESUS) could ever love and care for you the way my mother does....with all her heart. And you keep breaking her heart with your hardness. Do you just not care or can you not see the tears she cries after your call or your get-together. She cries for all of you. But do you CARE enough to consider how you make her feel? For some that profess to be not of this world, you sure do act as though you are. And I talk to myself too, but I TRY to be caring and sensitive to others' feelings. I'm given to not caring about any of you, not really, just an acknowledgement that I know you somehow. But if I did that, then I would be in the wrong. So i TRY not to. My mother has the right idea. Look to yourselves and judge objectively, that you won't have to be judged. She would help you when you ask it and even when you don't. But can you help her? Or are we all about the FUN so much that we have forgotten the importance of helping to bear each other's burdens. LIFE IS NOT ONE BIG PARTY, and when you make it this way, then you miss the TRUE JOY of LIVING.
LOVE you all (with my heart...trying to at least) and I PRAY that Jesus will VISIT each of you. :-)
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Without Thoughts... [22 May 2006|10:18pm]
[ mood | tired ]
Seeing as how it is past my 'bedtime' (LOL) and how I'm trying to update simply for the sake of doing so, you will have to forgive this one for inclusive nonsense. I don't really have anything on my mind worth divulging, save the inner intimate processes of an otherworldly relationship.
So....what have I been doing since last heard of? Mostly running full day errands in preparation for my trip in less than a month. Not really wanting to think about things too much but make sure all loose ends are tied up so as to relieve some of that pent up stress. I made a new LJ just for my travel journal. It is blue_dream_iii (taken from my name meaning in Chinese: Lanmengxi.) It won't really be started until around June 15th, or whenever I get myself established in Beijing. I know I'll make it there and back, but the thought still scares me just the same.
Speaking of which, I've been spending the time reliving my childhood and the growing up process, going back through poetry and home movies that time had all but erased from rememberance. Funny how things like that send us sentimentally floating. Made me feel sort of like Napoleon Dynamite's Uncle Rico and his intense desire to relive his past. Sometimes, I think of MECC in things like that. Case in point...I found my old Murder Me Always script while cleaning. It brought me close to tears reading it and reliving it. (SIGH) Those were the best days of my life so far; everything seemed so perfect and peaceful then. But now...?! I also found a fifteen page entry I had written contemplating all I had learned about life and knew I had yet to learn. It dated to a week before I found out I had gotten into UVA or W&M and right during the existentialism debate in philosophy class. Most of the concepts still hold but I can easily see the manifestation of change in my world.
I was trying to think of some of the highlights that I wanted to remember about my years at MECC. But I'm feeling lazy and I need to grab the ZZZs I missed yesterday. Think I'll ponder things and then post tomorrow (or at some unspecified future date). And in the meantime, you all can let me know what YOU think was/is best about the MECCa of our lives.
hmmm. A PSst: A Shout Out to My Main Man for Keeping us Safe when Cyn almost took us over the hill today in the car! :-) But I guess we all have at one time mistaken the brake for the gas.
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[13 May 2006|05:37pm]
Just sitting here at Sara's, watching the Buffy movie and making a movie of our own, and talking about the weird dreams we had last night. Weirdly enough, my dreams are of cowgirlin' with dark-haired strangers in bleachers covered with chlorinated h20 and Sara's are of familiarity and fantasy. Talk about screwed up hormones. LOL.
So far, I've spent the past two or three days here at her house. Her mama fixed a super buffet for dinner last night and I'm STILL stuffed. I will really miss this when I head to China. LOL. I think I'll just miss ANY American style meals all summer.
Last night, Becks and O came over. And I got to meet Joe finally. It was like old times, almost, but I could see how much I've changed this past year. Like its a whole 'other playing field or something. And I feel almost sorry for a certain individual. And I can't really fathom those feelings. I feel like this one person is almost taking this other person for granted, or maybe just doesn't realize how COOL this other person is and how COOL they are together. Maybe I'm completely wrong on this. Maybe I don't KNOW what I'm talking about. Part of me wants to get involved, to make the waves. Another part knows it won't work, that it won't be accepted by any side. Yet another knows how good it would be but another sees how well it would work with a third individual. Who knows? I think I'll just go with it and see what happens. My curiosity will NOT get the best of me this time.
Other than that, O and I were wrestling on Sara's couch. I was doing fine until he got me in one of those parallel positions constrained by the chair style. Just wait until we have it out on a mat when I get back from China. :D
Speaking of which, I'm going to start a new journal specifically for a travel journal. When I get it all set up, I'll give ya the stats.
Congrats to everyone who graduated on Friday from MECCa--Sara, Joe, Becks, Klaiber, Jason, O, Dawn, Jay, Beth, Heather...just everyone. It was also good to see Dave, Dylan, Mark, Diane, and Jay there. Friday was an end for me, too! It was the end of the MECCa era. And seeing other people there realized just how much I don't belong there anymore. Still an inbetween, I suppose. And I'm thinking that this means its time to move on from everything. I wish you all the best of luck in life. I enjoyed the time I have spent with you as some of the best times I've ever had. And I will cherish them forever.
6 comments|post comment
[05 May 2006|06:25pm]
[ mood | uncomfortable ]
[ music | Sugarcult_Counting Stars Again ]
So....I almost proposed to a friend of mine today. And where was my Other in my momentary lapse, just as I was about to succumb to crooning love songs and good conversation? Out. I hope I'm not engaged by the time she comes back. Of course, its Cinco de Mayo, so I'm thinking that will be a ways off.
Hey, I wanna crawl out of my skin
Apologize for all my sins
All the things I should(n't) have said to you
Hey, I can't make it go away
Over and over in my brain again
All the things I should (n't) have said to you
[Chorus:]
Counting stars wishing I was okay
Crashing down was my biggest mistake
I never ever ever meant to hurt you
I only did what I had to
Counting stars again
Hey, I'll take this day by day by day
Under the covers I'm okay I guess
Life's too short and i feel small
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The Difference between Beautiful and Hot? About Two Glasses [05 May 2006|01:32pm]
[ mood | curious ]
So here I am, spending my last two days in the swamp, and instead of preparing my China packing list, I'm sitting here discussing the differences between beautiful and hot. But its a somewhat unnerving concept that is preoccupying the shallow framework of my mind at present. What do you all think? What makes someone hot but not beautiful, beautiful but not hot, beautiful AND hot? Why should one strive to be these things, or should one? And finally how DOES one create beauty or create 'hot'...does it depend on the potential of the individual or do we all have potential?
I know its a very shallow concept, but still it weighs superficially heavy on an in-between mind. I'd just like your opinion, whatever it may be.
In other news, I have to run to campus and pick up my acceptance letter to Tshingua. But right now, I'm watching Heidi. This movie always makes me cry (as do most all movies that I watch, lol). I feel so in-between. Not quite ready to leave here but not wanting to stay. Just...in-between.
Anyways, I wish you all good luck with your exams next week! May you remember all the facts that have been shoved into your overflowing heads.
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[02 May 2006|08:05pm]
[ mood | energetic ]
[ music | If You Could Read my Mind: Gordon Lightfoot ]
Is something wrong with LJ?? Haha. For some reason, I can't read my friends entry. I guess it serves me right, since I haven't updated myself in forever and haven't checked friend entries' for some time as well. But I was getting tired of the depressing updates. I only seem to update whenever I'm depressed and that is how I procrastinate and deal. This time, I want to update for the sake of updating. That, and I'm feeling very procrastingly this afternoon! Should I be so happy?? This is exam week for me and I have a Chinese exam tomorrow that I haven't even begun to study for. Fortunately, its at 1pm, so I can study tomorrow morning early. Already this week I've had two exams: Econ and History of US-China Relations 1784-2006. Econ, I think I did well enough on to pass (although his tests are generally ambiguous and I actually have no idea how I fared!) History was a full on five hour exam crammed into a three hour period. 10-2 paragraph answers, 4-4 paragraph answers, and three essay (2 pages or more) answers. That and the ensuing brain drain and writer's cramp is definitely WHY I feel like procrasti-nation invasion tonight. I will have done well if I pulled a "C" on the exam. Not exactly happy, but I'm just glad its over. My exam on Thursday will be a real failure. I haven't even started putting some sort of study guide together for it, which means I'll likely fail a 50percent part of my grade for the class. I pray that I don't, but If I do, its not the end of the world. I'll just be glad to get out of here and come back home for a month before heading off to China. :-) And speaking of China, I just got my travel itinerary. It means I get to experience the whole of China--from the coast to Tibet (east to west) and hopefully from North to South, although I will be a little disappointed unless I get to go to Xi'an also, so a skip day might be in order to get there one weekend. Suzhou and Shanghai are definitely workable weekend trips also, from the urban to the rural, from the beach to the mountains. I'm uber excited and actually looking forward to going (instead of being a nervous wreck haha).
Other than that, I'll be making one final round of MECCa. I'm thinking maybe Tuesday of next week, to see Sara put on a play with her class. I MIGHT also come up on Thursday (last day of classes) but I'm wondering who all will be there?! It is, after all, the last day of exams. I will definitely be up there on Friday for the Graduation, though. Congrats to all you Grads! :-) I can't wait until next year when I grad, although I'm not sure what I'll do afterwards. Maybe stay here and take a year of Arabic at the nearby community college and then go traipsing off around the world doing volunteer work. Whatever I do, I've decided to take it to the next level, just worry about what I want to do with my life, not letting it hinge on what everyone else is doing with theirs. People make their own choices, and my choice has yet to be made regarding circumstances, but my wants and desires are there and I'm willing to pursue them if circumstances allow after next year. Sara's still thinking about coming down here and going to the acting acadamy. If she does, then we'll probably do the traipsing around the world bit together. That will be so much fun! :-) We're thinking maybe if we wait two years instead of the one and save up, we could work the whole Europe-North Africa-Middle East-East Asia-Oceania around-the-world deal and take half a year or so off for that. I guess it all depends on what goes down. And we still need to find a third roomie for next year, since I've already contracted to live on campus. But it would still be workable with a single.
But anywayas, I'm getting tied and I need to go downstairs and grab my clothes out of the washer! Later, ya'll, I'm out.
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[20 Apr 2006|08:44am]
T.h.e. W.h.o.s
Who is in the house with you? No One, I live alone
Who was the last person to IM you? Jenny
Who are you thinking about now? Becks, Sara, My Fam...nobody in particular
Who did you last talk to on the phone? My Mother or Sara
Who did you last kiss? Hoyt, last February. haha!
Who's house did you last go to? Jenny's
Who's birthday is next? Cindy's
Who was the last person you told you love them? Mama or Sara
Who's your favorite relative? Oren and Justus
Who do you hope will take this survey? Anyone who wants too
T.h.e. W.h.e.r.e.s.
Where do you live? Williamsburg, VA
Where is your phone? PC desk
Where are your parents? I would assume that they are home in Duffield probably outside working on some of Mama's Projects... :-)
Where do you sleep? my dorm bed (but ONLY for two weeks and three days longer!!)
Where do you shop the most? Food Lion or Big Lots, at least down here!
Where did you get the shirt you're wearing? Napoleon Hill-RADA camp
Where did you last take a car ride to? to my dorm from Swimming lessons
Where in your house are you? haha. I'm in my dorm room, so there's only one room!
T.h.e. W.h.a.t.s
What was the last thing you ate? Bran Flakes with powdered milk and h20
What was the last thing you drank? green tea
What color pants are you wearing? dark blue capris
What kind of cell phone do you have? old school digital freedom that I haven't used in forever
What is the closest item near you that is blue? my bowl or my exam booklet or the chair that I'm sitting in
What are you wearing on your feet? nothing
What instant messaging service do you use? Yahooooo!
What is your favorite color? Neon Orange and Cobalt Blue
What is your screen namE? sprkyunlmtd_13kc or virginsloresav2
What is your most used away message? Umm, I just use whatever occurs to me in that moment.
What is your favorite shoe brand? Adidas or Birkenstocks
What is the last movie watched? In theatres?? probably Hoodwinked! I haven't been back since.
What song are you currently listenin to? nothing, just the dull roar of the mowers on the soccer field and my incessent typing
T.h.e. W.h.y.s
Why are you taking this survey? Because I was being retarded today and I skipped my drill class
Why are (some) guys jerks? Because society speaks with a double forked tongue and dictates unhealthy standards of behavior for a "MAN" and these 'jerks' grow out of that melting pot of men as dominant, hedonistic, controlling, sexual animals.
Why did you take this particular survey? Because my Miss Becks took it AND Joe
T.h.e. W.h.e.n.s
When is your birthday? Jan 15th
When did you last go to the mall? when I was home during spring break maybe??
When did you last buy a new pair of pants? about 2-3 weeks ago!
When did you last burn a candle? It’s been a while
When did you last see your dad? 2 wks ago
When did you last see your mom? 2 wks ago
A-Z
A - Available: Until I meet my husband, YES
A - Age: 21
A - Annoyance: Guys who just want to Fook, when I hear bout Becks talking bout Greg :P, and people who are embroiled in religious issues that emphasize the outward appearance.
B - Best Friend: My Mama!! Sara is my Other, and Miss Becks and Tres and Jenny (up here)and Cris and Brad and O and Brit and and Everyone else b/c I love all you guys
B - Birthday: Jan 15th
C - Crush: Don't have any, unless you count Chris, although that's not really a crush either lol.
C - Car: 1991 Subaru Legacy, silver
C - Cat: Miss Kitty (but I love our flying squirrel Mr. Squiggles the MOST!!!)
D - Dead Pets Name: Beggar, Butch, Lady, Boots, Calico, Blackie, Fat Cat, Biskit, Coy, Hank, many other ducks, chickies, can't rem. em all
D - Dads Name: Donald Rufus
D - Dogs: Right now, Rusty and Duke
E - Easiest person to talk to: My Mama, Sara, or Jason on here
E - Eggs: I've actually been wanting some eggs florentine for DAYS!!
E - Email: sprkyunlmtd_13kc@yahoo.com I've had it since 1997
F - Favorite color: Neon Orange and Cobalt Blue
F - Food: I Heart Spinach Dip from Cheddars and Fiesta Lime Chicken from Applebees, and M&Ms with Peanuts I could eat by the bagful!
F - Foreign Slang: "Women shui jiao yiqi yiyang, hao ma?"
G - Gummy Bears or Worms: Gummy Bears
G - God: My rock and My fortress, a very present help, directing my steps always, omnipresent-with me always
G - Good Times: my MECC days! the best times of my life, and recently, sitting outside Big Lots with Jenny for 2 hours playing bloonies
H - Hair Color: Brown with Blonde Highlights
H - Height: 5’6
H - Happy: Coming HOME!!!
I - Ice Cream: Breyers!!!! or Homemade Snow Creme
I - Idol: My Mama! and Jesus!
I - In school?: W&M for another year, then who knows??
J - Jewelry: a Watch
J - Job: Nothing currently!
J - Jokes: we had a million of em back home!
K - Kids: I actually want to adopt a whole bunch of Chinese babies from the orphanages, altho the process is crazy. So it would help if I married a China-born native.
K - Karate: Tuesday nights with the girls, those were some great times!!!!
K - Kung fu: Karate’s Better
L - Longest Car Ride: Trip to OK City in February 2002/2003--24 hours total driving time!
L - Longest relationship: haha 2mths, which really isn't saying much
L - Last Kiss: Hoyt a year ago February
M - Milk Flavor: Best with Cereal!
M - Mothers Name: Nancy Lee
M - Movie Last Watched: Hoodwinked! Soon to be The Wild and Ice Age 2: the Meltdown and Over the Hedge
N - Number of Siblings: 2 (Cyn and Em)
N - Northern or Southern: Most ppl here are from Northern areas....but I LOVE HOME...so, no pref.
N - Name: Jennifer Lee Lane
O - One Wish: To Hurry up these next few weeks and get home!
O - One Phobia: Deep H20
O - Otter Pop: what is otter pop?
P - Parents: we have a great relationship
P - Part of your appearance you like best: my eyes, they're so almost asian and so blue!
P - Part of your personality you like best: my fun-spiritedness
Q - Quote: "If the Solution is simple, God is answering."
Q - Question for the next person? If you look into your future, from the point you are at right now currently, do you like what you see?
Q - Quick or Slow? I want things done quickly, but I'm super slow in my own growth too. Of course, the best way to overcome that is just to do it.
R - Reality TV Show: Never Watch em
R - Right or Left: Doesn’t matter cause I’m still trying to learn which is left and which is right! (AMEN to that!!)
R - Right now: I’m actually getting tired of this thang!
S - Song Last Heard: I don't know, but I was singing it last night after swimming. Some oldies song.
S - Season: End of the Spring semester!!
S - Sport: tennis
T - Time you woke up: 8am this morning
T - Time Now: 9:27am
T - Time for bed: between 10 and 11 hopefully
U - Unknown Fact about me: I'm really a quiet and shy person. Really.
U - Unicorns: makes me think of 'arry Potter.
U- u are: anxious and ecstatic to come home, anxious and scared to hop that plane to China
V - Vegetable you hate: eggplant
V - Vegetable you love? broccoli, spinach, mustard and turnip greens, carrots, sweet potatoes, potatoes, lettuce, cherry tomatoes, cabbage
V - Voice: Everyone up here just looks at me and smiles, and when I apologize and get embarrassed about it, they say, oh don't, I love it, it's such a welcome change!
W- Worst Habits: Being Lazy, skipping class, apathy about things
W- Where are you going to travel next? HOME, hopefully!
W- Where were you born?: Lonesome Pine Hospital in BSG, VA
X - X-Rays: only on my teeth, never elsewhere
X - Xylaphone: I think I had one too...I know emily did
X - X: XXX reminds me of Europe! haha
Y - Year it is now: 2006
Y - Yellow: for some reason reminds me of courtney
Z - Zoo Animal: I like the White Siberian Tiger...and I also LOVE SQUIRRELS!
Z - Zodiac: Capricorn
Z - Zoolander: don't care for the movie
How Do I know you: Joe, from High school and Becks, from that one Academic Team match our Senior year.
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[16 Apr 2006|08:51am]
I feel...depressed....again. Not that I have any reason to be....again.
Today marks the end of my major projects for the rest of semester (minus a Chinese skit) until Exam Week. Well, this morning did.
To recap on the past week or two:
1) Mama and the rest of my Family came down Saturday and stayed until early Tuesday morning. It was bittersweet even though for the most part, I enjoyed them being here. Mama actually said it was the most beneficial trip for the family that we've ever been on. Although it sure didn't seem like it many times the first day or so they were here. Maybe it was b/c we were all tired. They had driven eight hours and I had to spend about six hours taking the Foreign Service Written Exam on Saturday morning. And I had a not-so-nice Econ Midterm and IO Presentation coming up that put a foul spin on my time with my family. Obviously, I chose my family. As a result, I failed my midterm (52) and missed an IO quiz on Monday morning. But the time that I spent with them otherwise---swimming and in Colonial Williamsburg was SO MUCH FUN and definitely worth it.
2) I had to give an IO Presentation today with Christian. There were three other girls in the group, but thanks to registration, they were unable to make it, so we had to present their pieces. It wasn't so bad considering I had only found out Tuesday night and only received the slides early this morning. I was disappointed in my presentation--I stumbled over words and could not form sentences (perhaps b/c no breakfast, no intelligible thoughts?) All in all, I'm just glad it is over.
3) Tuesday was the first day of registration for Juniors. So far, I've signed up for 16 credits. I'm hoping to sign up for 22 (by taking 4 credits as audits). My (hopeful) schedule will be as follows:
10-10:50 - HIST 141 -History of East Asia until 1600 (also my Major Writing Requirement with Professor Canning)
11-11:50 - CHIN 309 -Survey of Chinese Literature in English
1-1:50 - CHIN 201 - Intermediate Chinese (I'm hoping to get permission to Audit this one!)
2-2:50 - RELG 308 - Zen (I take this class in the Wren Building, so I'm excited about that!)
3-3:50 - CHIN 303 & CHIN 180 - Upper Intermediate Chinese and Chinese Calligraphy (So far, I've signed up for the Calligraphy but have to get permission to take both--they fall in the same time period, but the Calligraphy is only on Wednesdays).
4:30-5:50 - GOVT 336 -Politics of China and Japan (Haven't signed up for this one b/c my major paperwork hasn't gone through yet!) EDIT: It looks like I won't be having this class next year, but that MIGHT change come fall, depending on when it is offered.
Tuesday/Thursdays I only have a 10-10:50 Chinese Drill I'll be auditing (hopefully) and a Modern Dance class from 2 until 3:45.
I'm pretty excited about it being the end of the year. From now (Friday) I only have THREE MORE WEEKS to get through (two of classes and one of exams). I'm actually done on the fourth at 11:30am. Sara and I were talking about finding out how she could come down here, but we'd have to fit all my stuff somewhere, so we are looking for a vehicular that could hold it all. No luck just yet. If B_Rad and the others came down, there's this place we'd HAVE to take them---a clothing optional community close by. But anyways, as of right now, my poppy is going to come down here this weekend (SATURDAY) to pick me up and we will be going back on SUNDAY. Honestly, I'm hoping Sara can come down and that we could fit everything into my ol' car. Or perhaps poppy would buy that van for me, then things would work out beautifully. But I reckon that we'll have to see. :-)
As always, Love you all! Can't wait to see you all graduate. That, and I plan on spending one day up at the college.