(no subject)
So here's the thing... I hate feeling like bad whenever he does something with her.. but i can't help feeling like it. One part of my brain says "duh who cares? he loves you and that's final so why be paranoid or jealous?" but then the other part of me says "well i'm not really jealous as much as i am frustratd that she could have asked someone else..." And both points sound pretty just to me. So i'm like 33% one way 33% the other way and the 33.9999% feeling bad and confused because i feel both. !! RARGH! She has plenty of people she could ask to go to a show with her.. why him? Which brings me to my next point> I know now that asking him to study or for chem help or asking him to a show really means hang out and discuss personal problems.. so why can't she go to someone like a professional help person.. who could probably help her through her problems better than an 18 year old male... An extraordinary 18 yr old male mind you, but either way. At this point in time when she has to go out of her way to ask him to talk to her outside of school, and they don't see eachother every day because they aren't going out anymore, why does she still depend on him. This i will never know and will always be tormented by it because he will never explain any of it to me. Even though it effects me personally via my emotional health. It is not possitive stress i feel whenever he says yes to anything she asks for. It's like he pities her for her problems...like he is forever indebted to her for some THING... like he will never ever ever be able to say "no i can't, i have something else to do besides listen to the problems in your life" ...ofcourse they haven't seen eachother outside of school and they're good friends blah blah blah everything i don't want to acknowledge...i'm sure that she wants to talk to him about life not just her emotional poop that she can't for some MYSTERIOUS TORMENTING reason tell someone else...But this is the other side of it..the side i'd rather ignore to try and justify my anger, suffering, and bitter frustration. I just have this weird intuition feeling thing that there's just something not right in this whole thing. Especially the part he can't tell me. But he won't ever tell. Someday i will die from this torture like one of those characters out of a book who die from guilt or some heavy emotion. Whenever i think about it it brings up this HUGE frog into my throat. I hate feeling like i'm going to cry and then not crying. I hate it even more when it can't just be an easy "i'm sad" cry.. its more like a teary eyes Frustrated angry and tormented cry. I feel like i'm in a novel sometimes. Like I'm the woman in love with the guy who has a mysterious past. And I know there is something not right in it and am tormented by its secret, but only he and "Jill" know and won't ever tell anyone. So I, as the super romantic and innocent character, will become all ematiated as a result of my emotional suffering because i know there is something fishy going on but there can't be any way of knowing. Here is ONE Ending: It turns out that this secret THING would have ruined my life. If i had stayed alive long enough to find out, he would have done something really bad to me and I could have stopped it by finding out this mystery, but it doesn't matter because i die as a result of my emotional trauma. He and "jill" live happily ever after. It reminds of of Age of innocence because it sucked and i hated reading it (in my opinion). Optional ending number 2: There really is absolutely nothing going on, but he still refuses to tell me. It's just something dumb like> she was slapped by her mother, but he chooses not to tell me because he doesn't think it is a big deal. What happens is: as a result of his weird sketchy relationship with her and their past, he overlooks my ematiated figure and fails to notice i haven't been eating. I die because of emotions and then he feels guilty for the rest of his life because he feels like he caused it. Knowing that i would die, i left a note saying "I will always love you"... It sounds like some super book written in the period of realism that has an ending of despair and hopelessness, like ethan frome. The fact that i die in both endings comes from that part in the scarlet letter when the reverend gets wicked sick because of his guilt. That's me, the reverend. He forever feels guilty for my death comes from the whole Life Sucks part of the realism... It all comes together in my head. Goodnight all. Muck love.