weird afterthoughts of the day
i wish sometimes that everyone's thoughts hovered above them. Not so much the thoughts they think when they are alone.. i know i wouldn't want anyone to know those.. because some of them are just retarded.. but anyway... like if they walked up to you or vice versa and if they thought something about the immediate present and your interaction.. it would just burst out like a text bubble. It would be funny too. Like for all those guys that are wicked shallow.. it would just be like "i think she's talking but her boobs are more interesting" .. no that's really stereotypical of me.. i'm sorry all you shallow guys i didn't mean it that much. but people who thought you hated them would think it and i'd be like.. wait no i don't and then they would know that i didn't hate them. Or like.. if i thought someone hated me.. they'd be like... oh pssh yeah i do. sorry for being fake and evil. or "hey this person isn't funny anymore i wish they would stop talking"... because then i would... there would be less dumb relationships and more better ones... and there would either be less or more wars.. not sure... and politics would barely exist. what else.. oh speaking of thoughts>>> So i've been thinking, and i can't do it yet because i am not 18, but i think it would be interesting to model for the Art students. You can probably go anywhere that offers it as a professional class.. like the institue of Art... but i mean, sure i'm Naked, but it would be fulfilling to be able to model and not have to smile or pretend like your something you aren't and then be appreciated as a peice of art work for being honest. I mean you can't lie when you are naked, and who wants to smile when you are naked??? j/k I just almost despise regular photographs because they always require you to smile. or make a funny face.. something in good humor... but what if i'm sad? or just not feeling up to smiling? I've taken one picture like that and it was my favorite one. It speaks a thousand words that are true not a thousand words that are false. If i had a scanner i'd post it. But i think it would be intriguing to feel as if perhaps i'm not being judged, but i'm being appreciated and looked at from an artistic point of view and not a scrutinizing or sexual point of view. Not to mention i would get paid. but that's beside the point. I really want to.. but i'm not old enough. I'll do it next year. Like winter vacation back from college. For now all i can do are portaits. Whatever helps them practice their art stuff.
what else was i going to say? AH.. i hated how i had no choice but to reveal the bane of my existence to people who i respect. I want them to respect me too, but now they know stuff about me that's just....ew. It's such a feeling of resentment and shame and just gross-badness. But it was the truth and i couldn't lie. Plus... no i'll just leave it there. It was so embarrasing.. i don't want to remember. Not only because it was embarrassing, but because it reminds me of so many other horrifying emotions i felt while living at that house with my ex-stepdad. To think that that relationship would never have happened if i had not been in such a disfunctional environment. I wonder, from an objective point of view, if i really cared or i just needed someone to quickly save me. Someone i could escape with who could just take me far away from every pain associated with that stuffy apartment. It just sux everything out of me to remember fearing my return home, hoping he was asleep or occupied, hoping he wouldn't notice i was home, hoping he wouldn't be watching tv or anything. It's almost like i needed someone to say "hey i'm with someone so leave me alone". for some reason it just happened to be him. i'm glad it wasn't anyone else because i don't know how they would have reacted and if they would have been as soft about it as he was. At that point i'm sure it was better to have trusted him than anyone else. But that doesn't stop me from feeling gross because i know i did things i wasn't emotionally ready for. But if he's reading this. I don't hate you. I never did. I just sort of wish i was emotionally stable enough to recognize the things i was ready for and the things i wasn't ready for. I don't think i was emotionally ready for that whole relationship. I can't remember if i ever told you why, but maybe sometime when we're friends again.
Anyway i have to actually work now.... and then see Neil. *_* meg
what else was i going to say? AH.. i hated how i had no choice but to reveal the bane of my existence to people who i respect. I want them to respect me too, but now they know stuff about me that's just....ew. It's such a feeling of resentment and shame and just gross-badness. But it was the truth and i couldn't lie. Plus... no i'll just leave it there. It was so embarrasing.. i don't want to remember. Not only because it was embarrassing, but because it reminds me of so many other horrifying emotions i felt while living at that house with my ex-stepdad. To think that that relationship would never have happened if i had not been in such a disfunctional environment. I wonder, from an objective point of view, if i really cared or i just needed someone to quickly save me. Someone i could escape with who could just take me far away from every pain associated with that stuffy apartment. It just sux everything out of me to remember fearing my return home, hoping he was asleep or occupied, hoping he wouldn't notice i was home, hoping he wouldn't be watching tv or anything. It's almost like i needed someone to say "hey i'm with someone so leave me alone". for some reason it just happened to be him. i'm glad it wasn't anyone else because i don't know how they would have reacted and if they would have been as soft about it as he was. At that point i'm sure it was better to have trusted him than anyone else. But that doesn't stop me from feeling gross because i know i did things i wasn't emotionally ready for. But if he's reading this. I don't hate you. I never did. I just sort of wish i was emotionally stable enough to recognize the things i was ready for and the things i wasn't ready for. I don't think i was emotionally ready for that whole relationship. I can't remember if i ever told you why, but maybe sometime when we're friends again.
Anyway i have to actually work now.... and then see Neil. *_* meg