I am Nobody who are You?
Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. So well coming home from school I was like yeah I'm going to finally update my journal again and it's going to be one of those thoughtful go-me ones, but it definitely isn't going to be one of those now. I just found out I got rejected from a college and they don't even have the decency to send me a letter it was in an e-mail and I knew what it was going to be before I even opened it. Yeah, I teared up but I didn't really cry tears though. It's not like I was set on going to that school or anything. I wasn't--I wasn't even planning on going there at all but still it's a good school and I know 2 people that have gotten in and it just makes me feel stupid :( and who likes feeling inferior? But that's how I feel now. It sucks and I don't even want to tell my dad. I want to take a shot right now and I haven't taken a shot since New Years Eve. Maybe I will later it's a little early right now for that kind of stuff. lol. I'm just too hard on myself. I got into 3 decent colleges and I should be happy, but no. I get declined from one and suddenly I feel like I'm worthless. Ugh I don't want to tell anyone because it's embarrassing to me. I just put so much into it and I hardly have a social life in high school and it kills me that these other people that party all the time got in and I didn't. What a waste of time. High school is just one big waste of time and a heavy ball of negativity for me. It reminds me that I suck and that I will never fit into the world everyday. How wonderful! ;) Yipppie. Anyway I'm still awaiting two college's decisions on me. Bastards. I'm guessing they are no's too because if they really wanted me to go to their fucking annoying college they would have sent me something by now. Fuckers. Just send me them already. Ihatethis.
Ok I found the reason why this hurts me so much: It's making me feel now that I suck at every single aspect of life. I mean when things go bad socially or emotionally (with my friends or at home) I always feel like I have a pretty good academic record to fall back on and feel good about but maybe not. I always felt that was something I could be proud of and try hard at. Maybe I'm just not good at ANYTHING. I'm just an average little shit. Most likely.
Besides this though things have been pretty good. Well as good as they can be for March. March is my unlucky month. I just dislike March so much because all the people I have ever disliked strongly have been born in March (which is a lot of people) and it seems like every March I go back into a depression. This year it seems that the pattern is continuing. And I almost forgot it was March (MY DEATH MONTH) until today. It always creeps up on me like that too.
Anyway I've also been thinking about my parents and the future quite frequently these days. I really don't think I want to have a relationship with my dad in the future and after college. I just feel like he's one huge letdown and I can never forgive him for the past. It's not even that it's just that he doesn't even realize the pain he caused me by making one of the (probably the) worst decision of his life. I'm not getting into details because who knows maybe the bitch is reading this right now. readthis: BLOW ME. Ugh. I know he cares about me and all that stuff but he just doesn't get it. I will never respect him if he doesn't take some action, and I know he won't so I know I will disappear from his life in the future. OH well ass hole. He's a dick 75% of the time anyway. He poisons my brain with negativity. I don't want to talk about this anymore...
On the bright side school has been actually pretty awesome in recent weeks. It's like I'm actually learning shit! Wow! Stuff that I actually like too! * * Woah New Concept! * * I'll get more into this later I've got lots of stuff that I need to get down but maybe later tonight or tomorrow or something when I'm not about to combust.
oh yeah I got this thingy too:
3 months exactly! Well that cheered me up greatly. 3 months is a short amount of fucking time.
Hope YOU had a great day at least
Lots to talk about later,
Brittany the bitch
Ok I found the reason why this hurts me so much: It's making me feel now that I suck at every single aspect of life. I mean when things go bad socially or emotionally (with my friends or at home) I always feel like I have a pretty good academic record to fall back on and feel good about but maybe not. I always felt that was something I could be proud of and try hard at. Maybe I'm just not good at ANYTHING. I'm just an average little shit. Most likely.
Besides this though things have been pretty good. Well as good as they can be for March. March is my unlucky month. I just dislike March so much because all the people I have ever disliked strongly have been born in March (which is a lot of people) and it seems like every March I go back into a depression. This year it seems that the pattern is continuing. And I almost forgot it was March (MY DEATH MONTH) until today. It always creeps up on me like that too.
Anyway I've also been thinking about my parents and the future quite frequently these days. I really don't think I want to have a relationship with my dad in the future and after college. I just feel like he's one huge letdown and I can never forgive him for the past. It's not even that it's just that he doesn't even realize the pain he caused me by making one of the (probably the) worst decision of his life. I'm not getting into details because who knows maybe the bitch is reading this right now. readthis: BLOW ME. Ugh. I know he cares about me and all that stuff but he just doesn't get it. I will never respect him if he doesn't take some action, and I know he won't so I know I will disappear from his life in the future. OH well ass hole. He's a dick 75% of the time anyway. He poisons my brain with negativity. I don't want to talk about this anymore...
On the bright side school has been actually pretty awesome in recent weeks. It's like I'm actually learning shit! Wow! Stuff that I actually like too! * * Woah New Concept! * * I'll get more into this later I've got lots of stuff that I need to get down but maybe later tonight or tomorrow or something when I'm not about to combust.
oh yeah I got this thingy too:
3 months exactly! Well that cheered me up greatly. 3 months is a short amount of fucking time.
Hope YOU had a great day at least
Lots to talk about later,
Brittany the bitch