[SPN] deny, deny, deny
Title: deny, deny, deny
Fandom: Supernatural
Rating: PG
Characters/Pairing: Dean Winchester, mentions of Sam, Castiel and Meg. Slight unrequited Dean/Cas angle.
Warning: Angst angst angst.
Notes: ALL THE FEELS FOR 7.17 HNNNGH. Anyway, title of this fic comes from 31_days once more, with the prompt for 5th April 2011.
deny, deny, deny
drabble, 486 words
Our friends are all dead.
That's what you tell Sam after everything. Sam, who's okay again and back on his feet. Sam, who no longer has the devil haunting him every single time. Sam, who's back only after you've found Cas-and then promptly lost him again.
After what happened in Bootbock, to Bobby, to Frank... you know you've long given up hope already, only keeping yourself together so that Sam has a reason to keep on trying, keep on fighting and keep himself sane for as long as he can. But when all hope was gone and you have nobody to turn to, he suddenly pops back into your life and you don't even know what to do. You don't know if its a lucky break or even 'destiny' or some other thing entirely, but you'll take what you can get. Even if he doesn't remember who he is, doesn't know that he's Cas... he's alive, and he's alright, and you know you'll be happy with that fact. That's more than enough for you.
But.
You know that Sam isn't convinced with what you said to him, but he's too tired to argue with you and is asleep for the first time since what seems to be forever-a fact that you're glad for, because if anything that's the sure way to know that Sam's okay again. You're awake though, restless and troubled as you try to not think about Cas. Cas, who was gone but now returned; Cas, who came back but then scarified himself again to bring Sam back from the throes of insanity and took his place instead. Maybe in another time and in another place, you would have said that he deserved it. He's the one who brought Sam's wall down in the first place-so its fitting that he has to suffer what Sam had in these last months, almost the whole of last year.
The thing is that you know better than that. Cas doesn't deserve this, doesn't deserve this thing that he's taken onto himself because of you, because for you (from rebelling against Heaven to stopping the Apocalypse and even getting Sam back-everything, everything had always been for you and you know that too) and you hate that more than anything else. He took the madness into himself and now you've just gone and left him there with Meg. It's not fair, it's not what he deserves and you know this, but yet its so much easier to just take things like this and simply look the other way instead.
Our friends are all dead.
Its so much easier to go with that than to think of the alternatives that pop up, because to think of those will do nothing but make you remember about chances and regrets and apologies that come far too slowly and arrive far too late for you to hear and say.
Fandom: Supernatural
Rating: PG
Characters/Pairing: Dean Winchester, mentions of Sam, Castiel and Meg. Slight unrequited Dean/Cas angle.
Warning: Angst angst angst.
Notes: ALL THE FEELS FOR 7.17 HNNNGH. Anyway, title of this fic comes from 31_days once more, with the prompt for 5th April 2011.
deny, deny, deny
drabble, 486 words
Our friends are all dead.
That's what you tell Sam after everything. Sam, who's okay again and back on his feet. Sam, who no longer has the devil haunting him every single time. Sam, who's back only after you've found Cas-and then promptly lost him again.
After what happened in Bootbock, to Bobby, to Frank... you know you've long given up hope already, only keeping yourself together so that Sam has a reason to keep on trying, keep on fighting and keep himself sane for as long as he can. But when all hope was gone and you have nobody to turn to, he suddenly pops back into your life and you don't even know what to do. You don't know if its a lucky break or even 'destiny' or some other thing entirely, but you'll take what you can get. Even if he doesn't remember who he is, doesn't know that he's Cas... he's alive, and he's alright, and you know you'll be happy with that fact. That's more than enough for you.
But.
You know that Sam isn't convinced with what you said to him, but he's too tired to argue with you and is asleep for the first time since what seems to be forever-a fact that you're glad for, because if anything that's the sure way to know that Sam's okay again. You're awake though, restless and troubled as you try to not think about Cas. Cas, who was gone but now returned; Cas, who came back but then scarified himself again to bring Sam back from the throes of insanity and took his place instead. Maybe in another time and in another place, you would have said that he deserved it. He's the one who brought Sam's wall down in the first place-so its fitting that he has to suffer what Sam had in these last months, almost the whole of last year.
The thing is that you know better than that. Cas doesn't deserve this, doesn't deserve this thing that he's taken onto himself because of you, because for you (from rebelling against Heaven to stopping the Apocalypse and even getting Sam back-everything, everything had always been for you and you know that too) and you hate that more than anything else. He took the madness into himself and now you've just gone and left him there with Meg. It's not fair, it's not what he deserves and you know this, but yet its so much easier to just take things like this and simply look the other way instead.
Our friends are all dead.
Its so much easier to go with that than to think of the alternatives that pop up, because to think of those will do nothing but make you remember about chances and regrets and apologies that come far too slowly and arrive far too late for you to hear and say.