Truth and Consequences
Title: Truth and Consequences
Author: Ink_River10
Pairing: HanChul
Rating: PG
Genre: Angst
Disclaimer: I do not own Super Junior, this is a work of my mind
Summary: Heechul tells the truth.
Author's note: So I'm posting this, although I have been trying to decide whether or not to continue it or not. I know it's angsty and some of you are tired of angst, but if you don't want angst, don't read this one. I am sad and I just wanted to post it. If you want more, let me know.
You’ve made a colossal mistake.
You’ve done something you swore years ago that you would never do.
You tried so hard to not do this thing….to ignore it, push it away, pretend it hasn’t happened.
But it has.
And now it’s too late to stop it.
You stare at the mirror, demanding your reflected self to stop doing it, stop feeling this way, stop being stupid, stop being….gay.
You live in Seoul, South Korea, not California, USA. You live in a culture where you could get killed for something like this. You know how stupid it is. You KNOW how hard life will be for someone like you.
But no matter how you silently shout at the Heechul in the mirror to stop being gay, nothing changes.
You are still gay.
Oh you pretend you aren’t. You pretend you are attracted to all the pretty girls constantly surrounding you. You smile at them and flirt, and you go on dates and make promises and break hearts. You perfect this act so well that it fools everyone around you.
And all the while you are lying to him, and lying to them, and lying to yourself. Because it’s easier to lie than to be who you really are.
It’s easier to act like a spoiled brat, to make them laugh at you and accept you this way than it would be if you let them see the real you.
Except, you can’t do that with him. He’s the one you try to fool the most, and it always seems to fail. You can’t keep it up, you can’t fake it….not when you are around him. He sees right through you. He knows everything about you but this. The lengths you go to every day to stop him from seeing this one thing about you is exhausting. And you are so tired of being someone you’re not.
You hate it. You wish you could cut it out of you like it’s some kind of tumor. But it’s not a physical, tangible thing, this longing for something…for someone you can never have.
It’s an ache so deep that if you let yourself think about it, you will drown in it. You are so lonely….so utterly alone in this sea of people who love you. But the truth is, they don’t love the real you, they love the idea of you. You know if they knew the truth about you, you would fall from these heights like a comet, burning everyone in its wake. Super Junior would be ruined, and it would be your fault.
You want so desperately just to cave in, to admit it, to make a move, to give yourself away. And then it would be done. But the fear of rejection and the pain of knowing you will have ruined something this good is enough to deter you from it.
Still…it would be so easy.
It would be so very easy to press your lips to his in the darkness, wrap your arms around his waist when the desire for him becomes too much. To let him finally understand what you’ve been hiding all this time.
Would he accept you? Would he kiss you back if you kissed him in the safety of your bed?
These are the questions that haunt you constantly.
He knows there is something you have not told him. He knows, because you see him watching you, and you see him trying to figure it out. He never asks, but you can feel him searching for an answer. You know you should trust him, but the fear of rejection is too strong.
It’s a never ending cycle of uncertainty and loneliness.
Until the night that you are lying with your head on his shoulder, blissfully drunk, so happy just to be there where it feels so perfect. He smells so good, and you are so in love with him, and he is everything you have always wanted. He is so… good. He is kind and handsome and sweet, and you are too drunk and you are so tired of pretending.
So you say it. You blurt it out so awkwardly. You sound loopy, the words slurred together in a string.
“I love you, Hankyung. You don’t know it, but I love you.”
He just smiles indulgently at you, and then you do it. Your brain is fuzzy with alcohol and you want it so badly…just to kiss him once. Just once. A real kiss.
You grab the back of his head and tug him down and kiss him before he can react. He jumps in surprise and then your lips are on his. Finally. It’s quick and a bit sloppy, but wonderful. Just like you always wanted.
And then you let him go. He reels back, staring at you in shock. You know you’re smiling because you are stupidly happy and you want to say more, but the alcohol wins the battle, knocking you out into warm, blissful darkness.
In the morning, you wake up alone in your bed. It’s too bright out, and your mouth feels like a desert. You don’t remember the kiss until you’re already walking towards the bathroom.
Then you panic.
You run back and check his room, but he’s not there. He’s not anywhere. You grab your phone, desperate to make a joke of it so that he doesn’t think it was real.
Even though it was.
You call him but he doesn’t answer. You text him an innocuous message; OMG hangover. Where are you? Call me.
You wait, but there is no call. Sighing, you give up and head to the bathroom. The shower does miracles to clear the cobwebs and the dull ache in your temple begins to fade. You are brushing your teeth when you hear the door open. And then he’s there, standing behind you, watching you in that quiet way he has, and you are relieved you’ve got a towel around your waist. You’ve seen each other naked a thousand times, but if you’re going to salvage your mistake last night, being naked today would be a bad idea.
“Hey.” You say nonchalantly, going back to brushing your teeth like your heart isn’t slamming in your chest.
“Did you mean what you said last night?”
The dull ache of your hangover turns into a sharp stab, and for a split second, the air in your lungs exits in panic. You spit out the toothpaste, wipe your mouth, turn around and school your voice so very carefully.
“What are you talking about?” You are afraid that he’s finally guessed it, and this could be the end of everything.
“What you said about loving me.” He says quietly.
You look at him closer then, and he is so handsome and quiet and perfect….you can’t bear the thought of him looking at you with disdain and disgust….it will break you. You will break into a million pieces if he turns away from you in revulsion.
You struggle to look calm, but the fear in your eyes gives you away. He steps forward, closes the bathroom door behind him, trapping you there with him.
“You kissed me last night, Heechul. You told me you loved me and you kissed me. We weren’t on stage, and that wasn’t fanservice. So tell me the truth.” He says, his eyes boring into you. He crosses his arms, and never have you seen him look so stern. “Don’t lie to me.”
And then something breaks open inside you, because he asked you to tell the truth, and you can’t lie now. There isn’t anywhere else to run to, nowhere to hide.
And then you realize…he already knows the truth. He just wants to hear it from you.
You try and read his face, but for the first time, you can’t. You can’t tell what he’s thinking, and your throat burns and clogs tightly.
“Yes. I love you.” The words are so simple, but so very complicated.
“Do you love me, or are you IN love with me?” He asks, his face still calm and unreadable.
You can’t answer, but the silence does it for you. It hangs in the air between you and you wonder if there’s a way to go back, to take it back. But you know there isn’t.
He sighs heavily. The silence stretches out further as you wait for him to say something…do something….anything that would break it. You have always hated awkward silences. You can feel yourself beginning to shake with the suspense of it, and you despise your own weakness.
Finally you cannot take it another second. “Say something.” You whisper.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” He asks quietly, finally breaking the silence. “What did you think I was going to say?”
You have no answers for him. For the first time in your life, your witty brain has left you with nothing to grasp, no words to protect you. The façade you crafted so carefully is gone, leaving you witless and unprotected.
“I was afraid.” You say, the words coming faster and faster now. “I thought you’d be….upset. I thought it would ruin our friendship.”
“So keeping something like this hidden from me hasn’t?” He says, and the sharpness of his tone hits you in the chest, making the air constrict and your throat tighten. It hurts, it burns, and you have no defense.
You want to lash out, you want to protect yourself, say something sarcastic and brash, but you feel like you’re bleeding on the floor, and none of that can help you anymore. In fact, you can’t say anything at all. Everything is going wrong. This wasn’t how it was supposed to happen.
A tiny muscle in his jaw twitches. He pulls his hands through his hair and looks at the floor, and then you know……….it’s over. In that one silent gesture you read it all. He doesn’t feel the same way.
He doesn’t want you the way you want him.
You have just lost everything that you held most dear in this world. Your best friend is slipping away from you and there’s nothing you can do about it. All the love you could give him, all the things you want to say are ashes in your mouth. You have done your fair share of breaking hearts, but this is the first time your own has been shattered so completely.
“Hankyung….” You begin, but he interrupts.
“I knew something was off. I KNEW you weren’t telling me something.” He says, looking at you again. He looks agitated, and you feel as if you are walking on broken glass. It’s shattering….all of it, breaking all around you and you can’t stop it. Your head is pounding and you can’t breathe.
You love him but he doesn’t want your love. Not like this. Not like you want.
And then you feel it - a cold, hollow, dead emptiness slowly washing over you. The burning pain in your chest and your lungs, the clogged feeling in your throat slowly ebbs away, leaving you feeling blank and utterly defeated.
You’ve lost it all. You’ve lost him, you’ve lost a future you had been dreaming about for years. Even the future you didn’t dare dream about is gone. You’ve lost everything, and now that it’s over, you feel empty. You might as well be honest. He deserves that, doesn’t he?
“I’ve been in love with you for a long time.” You say softly, even though your own voice sounds like an echo in your ears. “I’m sorry I never told you. I wanted to, but…I didn’t want you to be disgusted or get angry with me. I didn’t want to ruin our friendship, or ruin Super Junior.”
The silence descends after your words, and it’s loud in the tiny space.
“You didn’t trust me.” He says flatly. “That’s why you kept it from me. Let’s go all the way to the bottom of this, Heechul. You didn’t tell me because you didn’t trust me. So being my friend all this time, you still thought I’d….what, kick you away? Call you a fag? Mock you? Did you really think I could hurt you like that?”
You open your mouth to protest, but nothing comes out. He’s right. You didn’t trust him not to do those things. You’d seen far too many people’s lives ruined by being outed here in Seoul to take that chance.
The air turns thick and heavy in the small space, and you wonder if you will survive this. Was it just last night that you felt so safe and happy lying on that couch with him? It feels like a hundred years ago.
So you begin to speak, because the ruse is over. The game is up, and you lost.
“You’re right. I should have trusted you and I didn’t. I’m sorry.” You pause, inhale, and pray. “But now that you know, what are you going to do?”
It is utter stupidity to feel any hope now, but you always were stupid when it came to him.
He stares at you for a moment, his brown eyes unreadable. You want to scream and pull him in, beg him not to leave you, cry apologies, say it will go back to the way it was before, but you can’t. You want so badly to hear him say he loves you back. But you know now he never will.
He exhales heavily and pulls his hands through his hair again. “I don’t know. I need…..” He pauses, inhaling slowly. “I need to think.”
He turns, pulls the door open and walks out.
There’s nothing you can do. You step out into the living room, watch him pull on his coat and hat on. You watch him as he pulls on his boots and leaves without saying a word.
You stare at the door for a very long time, until the door becomes blurred, just shapes and meaningless colors. And then you go back to your room and close the door behind you. Your stomach is clenching and roiling, and you feel like you are going to be sick. Nothing in your life has prepared you for this. No one told you what having your heart broken would feel like.
You lie down on your bed and roll over to face the wall. You feel stupid and useless and you hate that you’re crying like a girl. You don’t have any choice now.
All you can do is wait.
.
(possibly to be continued - I haven't decided)
Author: Ink_River10
Pairing: HanChul
Rating: PG
Genre: Angst
Disclaimer: I do not own Super Junior, this is a work of my mind
Summary: Heechul tells the truth.
Author's note: So I'm posting this, although I have been trying to decide whether or not to continue it or not. I know it's angsty and some of you are tired of angst, but if you don't want angst, don't read this one. I am sad and I just wanted to post it. If you want more, let me know.
You’ve made a colossal mistake.
You’ve done something you swore years ago that you would never do.
You tried so hard to not do this thing….to ignore it, push it away, pretend it hasn’t happened.
But it has.
And now it’s too late to stop it.
You stare at the mirror, demanding your reflected self to stop doing it, stop feeling this way, stop being stupid, stop being….gay.
You live in Seoul, South Korea, not California, USA. You live in a culture where you could get killed for something like this. You know how stupid it is. You KNOW how hard life will be for someone like you.
But no matter how you silently shout at the Heechul in the mirror to stop being gay, nothing changes.
You are still gay.
Oh you pretend you aren’t. You pretend you are attracted to all the pretty girls constantly surrounding you. You smile at them and flirt, and you go on dates and make promises and break hearts. You perfect this act so well that it fools everyone around you.
And all the while you are lying to him, and lying to them, and lying to yourself. Because it’s easier to lie than to be who you really are.
It’s easier to act like a spoiled brat, to make them laugh at you and accept you this way than it would be if you let them see the real you.
Except, you can’t do that with him. He’s the one you try to fool the most, and it always seems to fail. You can’t keep it up, you can’t fake it….not when you are around him. He sees right through you. He knows everything about you but this. The lengths you go to every day to stop him from seeing this one thing about you is exhausting. And you are so tired of being someone you’re not.
You hate it. You wish you could cut it out of you like it’s some kind of tumor. But it’s not a physical, tangible thing, this longing for something…for someone you can never have.
It’s an ache so deep that if you let yourself think about it, you will drown in it. You are so lonely….so utterly alone in this sea of people who love you. But the truth is, they don’t love the real you, they love the idea of you. You know if they knew the truth about you, you would fall from these heights like a comet, burning everyone in its wake. Super Junior would be ruined, and it would be your fault.
You want so desperately just to cave in, to admit it, to make a move, to give yourself away. And then it would be done. But the fear of rejection and the pain of knowing you will have ruined something this good is enough to deter you from it.
Still…it would be so easy.
It would be so very easy to press your lips to his in the darkness, wrap your arms around his waist when the desire for him becomes too much. To let him finally understand what you’ve been hiding all this time.
Would he accept you? Would he kiss you back if you kissed him in the safety of your bed?
These are the questions that haunt you constantly.
He knows there is something you have not told him. He knows, because you see him watching you, and you see him trying to figure it out. He never asks, but you can feel him searching for an answer. You know you should trust him, but the fear of rejection is too strong.
It’s a never ending cycle of uncertainty and loneliness.
Until the night that you are lying with your head on his shoulder, blissfully drunk, so happy just to be there where it feels so perfect. He smells so good, and you are so in love with him, and he is everything you have always wanted. He is so… good. He is kind and handsome and sweet, and you are too drunk and you are so tired of pretending.
So you say it. You blurt it out so awkwardly. You sound loopy, the words slurred together in a string.
“I love you, Hankyung. You don’t know it, but I love you.”
He just smiles indulgently at you, and then you do it. Your brain is fuzzy with alcohol and you want it so badly…just to kiss him once. Just once. A real kiss.
You grab the back of his head and tug him down and kiss him before he can react. He jumps in surprise and then your lips are on his. Finally. It’s quick and a bit sloppy, but wonderful. Just like you always wanted.
And then you let him go. He reels back, staring at you in shock. You know you’re smiling because you are stupidly happy and you want to say more, but the alcohol wins the battle, knocking you out into warm, blissful darkness.
In the morning, you wake up alone in your bed. It’s too bright out, and your mouth feels like a desert. You don’t remember the kiss until you’re already walking towards the bathroom.
Then you panic.
You run back and check his room, but he’s not there. He’s not anywhere. You grab your phone, desperate to make a joke of it so that he doesn’t think it was real.
Even though it was.
You call him but he doesn’t answer. You text him an innocuous message; OMG hangover. Where are you? Call me.
You wait, but there is no call. Sighing, you give up and head to the bathroom. The shower does miracles to clear the cobwebs and the dull ache in your temple begins to fade. You are brushing your teeth when you hear the door open. And then he’s there, standing behind you, watching you in that quiet way he has, and you are relieved you’ve got a towel around your waist. You’ve seen each other naked a thousand times, but if you’re going to salvage your mistake last night, being naked today would be a bad idea.
“Hey.” You say nonchalantly, going back to brushing your teeth like your heart isn’t slamming in your chest.
“Did you mean what you said last night?”
The dull ache of your hangover turns into a sharp stab, and for a split second, the air in your lungs exits in panic. You spit out the toothpaste, wipe your mouth, turn around and school your voice so very carefully.
“What are you talking about?” You are afraid that he’s finally guessed it, and this could be the end of everything.
“What you said about loving me.” He says quietly.
You look at him closer then, and he is so handsome and quiet and perfect….you can’t bear the thought of him looking at you with disdain and disgust….it will break you. You will break into a million pieces if he turns away from you in revulsion.
You struggle to look calm, but the fear in your eyes gives you away. He steps forward, closes the bathroom door behind him, trapping you there with him.
“You kissed me last night, Heechul. You told me you loved me and you kissed me. We weren’t on stage, and that wasn’t fanservice. So tell me the truth.” He says, his eyes boring into you. He crosses his arms, and never have you seen him look so stern. “Don’t lie to me.”
And then something breaks open inside you, because he asked you to tell the truth, and you can’t lie now. There isn’t anywhere else to run to, nowhere to hide.
And then you realize…he already knows the truth. He just wants to hear it from you.
You try and read his face, but for the first time, you can’t. You can’t tell what he’s thinking, and your throat burns and clogs tightly.
“Yes. I love you.” The words are so simple, but so very complicated.
“Do you love me, or are you IN love with me?” He asks, his face still calm and unreadable.
You can’t answer, but the silence does it for you. It hangs in the air between you and you wonder if there’s a way to go back, to take it back. But you know there isn’t.
He sighs heavily. The silence stretches out further as you wait for him to say something…do something….anything that would break it. You have always hated awkward silences. You can feel yourself beginning to shake with the suspense of it, and you despise your own weakness.
Finally you cannot take it another second. “Say something.” You whisper.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” He asks quietly, finally breaking the silence. “What did you think I was going to say?”
You have no answers for him. For the first time in your life, your witty brain has left you with nothing to grasp, no words to protect you. The façade you crafted so carefully is gone, leaving you witless and unprotected.
“I was afraid.” You say, the words coming faster and faster now. “I thought you’d be….upset. I thought it would ruin our friendship.”
“So keeping something like this hidden from me hasn’t?” He says, and the sharpness of his tone hits you in the chest, making the air constrict and your throat tighten. It hurts, it burns, and you have no defense.
You want to lash out, you want to protect yourself, say something sarcastic and brash, but you feel like you’re bleeding on the floor, and none of that can help you anymore. In fact, you can’t say anything at all. Everything is going wrong. This wasn’t how it was supposed to happen.
A tiny muscle in his jaw twitches. He pulls his hands through his hair and looks at the floor, and then you know……….it’s over. In that one silent gesture you read it all. He doesn’t feel the same way.
He doesn’t want you the way you want him.
You have just lost everything that you held most dear in this world. Your best friend is slipping away from you and there’s nothing you can do about it. All the love you could give him, all the things you want to say are ashes in your mouth. You have done your fair share of breaking hearts, but this is the first time your own has been shattered so completely.
“Hankyung….” You begin, but he interrupts.
“I knew something was off. I KNEW you weren’t telling me something.” He says, looking at you again. He looks agitated, and you feel as if you are walking on broken glass. It’s shattering….all of it, breaking all around you and you can’t stop it. Your head is pounding and you can’t breathe.
You love him but he doesn’t want your love. Not like this. Not like you want.
And then you feel it - a cold, hollow, dead emptiness slowly washing over you. The burning pain in your chest and your lungs, the clogged feeling in your throat slowly ebbs away, leaving you feeling blank and utterly defeated.
You’ve lost it all. You’ve lost him, you’ve lost a future you had been dreaming about for years. Even the future you didn’t dare dream about is gone. You’ve lost everything, and now that it’s over, you feel empty. You might as well be honest. He deserves that, doesn’t he?
“I’ve been in love with you for a long time.” You say softly, even though your own voice sounds like an echo in your ears. “I’m sorry I never told you. I wanted to, but…I didn’t want you to be disgusted or get angry with me. I didn’t want to ruin our friendship, or ruin Super Junior.”
The silence descends after your words, and it’s loud in the tiny space.
“You didn’t trust me.” He says flatly. “That’s why you kept it from me. Let’s go all the way to the bottom of this, Heechul. You didn’t tell me because you didn’t trust me. So being my friend all this time, you still thought I’d….what, kick you away? Call you a fag? Mock you? Did you really think I could hurt you like that?”
You open your mouth to protest, but nothing comes out. He’s right. You didn’t trust him not to do those things. You’d seen far too many people’s lives ruined by being outed here in Seoul to take that chance.
The air turns thick and heavy in the small space, and you wonder if you will survive this. Was it just last night that you felt so safe and happy lying on that couch with him? It feels like a hundred years ago.
So you begin to speak, because the ruse is over. The game is up, and you lost.
“You’re right. I should have trusted you and I didn’t. I’m sorry.” You pause, inhale, and pray. “But now that you know, what are you going to do?”
It is utter stupidity to feel any hope now, but you always were stupid when it came to him.
He stares at you for a moment, his brown eyes unreadable. You want to scream and pull him in, beg him not to leave you, cry apologies, say it will go back to the way it was before, but you can’t. You want so badly to hear him say he loves you back. But you know now he never will.
He exhales heavily and pulls his hands through his hair again. “I don’t know. I need…..” He pauses, inhaling slowly. “I need to think.”
He turns, pulls the door open and walks out.
There’s nothing you can do. You step out into the living room, watch him pull on his coat and hat on. You watch him as he pulls on his boots and leaves without saying a word.
You stare at the door for a very long time, until the door becomes blurred, just shapes and meaningless colors. And then you go back to your room and close the door behind you. Your stomach is clenching and roiling, and you feel like you are going to be sick. Nothing in your life has prepared you for this. No one told you what having your heart broken would feel like.
You lie down on your bed and roll over to face the wall. You feel stupid and useless and you hate that you’re crying like a girl. You don’t have any choice now.
All you can do is wait.
.
(possibly to be continued - I haven't decided)