Do you eat together?
dom_ino and I were talking last night, and the topic of queer family structures came up. He and a mutual Faerie friend had been talking, comparing their relationship structures.
He and his partner have a sexually open relationship and his partner has a strong desire to build an extended queer family. They are willing to discuss adding others to their emotional relationship if such a situation arose. I and dom_ino have a simlar relationship: we are open sexually and poly, but we don't shop for thirds and fourths. If it happens, it happens.
That addresses intimate relationships and sex in terms of family. For us, there's also the local Faerie group. We have weekly potlucks. We have a space intended for eventual communal living (whether that happens or not). People help others out with rides when the car is broken, soup when you're sick, ears and shoulders when you're fucked up or down.
I have Beth as well. We talk every few days, try to get together at least weekly. dom_ino refers to her as my girlfriend. She listens long and thoroughly, provides challenging questions, insightful support. She bails me out of all manner of binds. I try to do the same for her. After being in a relationship with each other for abut 10 years, the intimate bond, if not the sexual, is still there.
There's also the issue of my blood family. We're at a stalemate. I don't call or see them more than once or twice a year. It's mutual. They're fundamentalists and don't agree with my "lifestyle". Joe's family is a lot more open-minded, but they aren't exactly close-knit. They aren't very active in keeping up with him, and much time slides by before contact is made.
That's my current family situation. I still wonder about how my family will develop and grow. I wonder if it can be solidified. I wonder how to balance a desire for co-habitation with privacy, for sexual and romantic open-ness with depth in the same areas, for material cooperation with material independence. I wonder about how to develop familial memories -- anniversaries, photo albums, etc. Queer alternatives to straight nostalgia. I wonder if I will be able to age with grace, support, vitality, and comfort. I wonder how self-sufficient we can be, wonder if we'll be able to reduce our dependence on spirit-numbing jobs and devote more time to our vocations.
I wonder if we'll be able to remain queer, which to me, more and more, means to stamp our lives with the authentically odd, the oddly authentic.
I wonder how you guys set your families up. I wonder if there are different models among queers. Say, is the communal approach of the Faeries different from a familial tendency among bears or leather or bdsm families? How do you guys approach the personal economies of romance, intimacy, friendship, sex, material cooperation, home-building, health, communal memory, and vocation?
I am curious. There are a million ways to do this, and that's what makes it so exciting and beautiful to me.
He and his partner have a sexually open relationship and his partner has a strong desire to build an extended queer family. They are willing to discuss adding others to their emotional relationship if such a situation arose. I and dom_ino have a simlar relationship: we are open sexually and poly, but we don't shop for thirds and fourths. If it happens, it happens.
That addresses intimate relationships and sex in terms of family. For us, there's also the local Faerie group. We have weekly potlucks. We have a space intended for eventual communal living (whether that happens or not). People help others out with rides when the car is broken, soup when you're sick, ears and shoulders when you're fucked up or down.
I have Beth as well. We talk every few days, try to get together at least weekly. dom_ino refers to her as my girlfriend. She listens long and thoroughly, provides challenging questions, insightful support. She bails me out of all manner of binds. I try to do the same for her. After being in a relationship with each other for abut 10 years, the intimate bond, if not the sexual, is still there.
There's also the issue of my blood family. We're at a stalemate. I don't call or see them more than once or twice a year. It's mutual. They're fundamentalists and don't agree with my "lifestyle". Joe's family is a lot more open-minded, but they aren't exactly close-knit. They aren't very active in keeping up with him, and much time slides by before contact is made.
That's my current family situation. I still wonder about how my family will develop and grow. I wonder if it can be solidified. I wonder how to balance a desire for co-habitation with privacy, for sexual and romantic open-ness with depth in the same areas, for material cooperation with material independence. I wonder about how to develop familial memories -- anniversaries, photo albums, etc. Queer alternatives to straight nostalgia. I wonder if I will be able to age with grace, support, vitality, and comfort. I wonder how self-sufficient we can be, wonder if we'll be able to reduce our dependence on spirit-numbing jobs and devote more time to our vocations.
I wonder if we'll be able to remain queer, which to me, more and more, means to stamp our lives with the authentically odd, the oddly authentic.
I wonder how you guys set your families up. I wonder if there are different models among queers. Say, is the communal approach of the Faeries different from a familial tendency among bears or leather or bdsm families? How do you guys approach the personal economies of romance, intimacy, friendship, sex, material cooperation, home-building, health, communal memory, and vocation?
I am curious. There are a million ways to do this, and that's what makes it so exciting and beautiful to me.