flumoxed
lost my job friday.
funny thing tho - i didn't lose it b/c i was bad at my job.
if anything i excelled - i was one of the lead salespeople on my team and in my department. i was a mentor and had trained 4 different people across departments. for someone who was there for less than 90 days i had accomplished something few others had, i posted numbers under quota only once. that, to me, was astounding - apparently my managers disagreed. i was fired on something of a technicality. apparently our sign-in sheet wasn't signed twice, by me. this would be bad had i actually not gone into work, but i had. as a matter of fact the only reason i've been given why i didn't work out was that i was less than a week from recieving my benefits, health insurance, and so on - this is an expensive endeavor, i understand. therefore, i was let go, quickly ripped off like a scabby band-aid.
now i am again jobless. my situation is reaching dire straits. my parents are due to begin their sentences in federal prison this june and it has been imperative that i have a situated life for myself where i don't have anyone to rely on.
they have become frantic around here. i, too, have lost my subtle touch with reality and have been seriously attempting bodily harm. i strangled myself with a belt but couldn't finish the job - i have taken fistfuls of leftover vicodin and ambien but they just knock me out, i've built up too much resistance to pharmaceuticals. i can't find my dad's rifle anymore - i think i've mustered the courage to end this nightmare but i don't think i really have.
i mean suicide is great, don't get me wrong. totally fixes all the problems: the crappy back, the low self esteem, poverty, mom and dad going to jail? don't matter when you are dead. can't get a date? dating isn't a worry when dead. but i digress. i can't go through with it, not today. i mean i hate life i hate it i hate it. i want more than anything not to live my life. not to have to watch people you love either suffer or leave you. not to just wake up with pure contempt for the day. to know, not just think, but to know that you will amount to nothing. that my best chance at success is to just surrender to death who is so patiently lobbing these reasons at me, invitations to just quit. i can't do it. why? because my mom will cry. because i have so many people that will be vindicated by my failures. if i could die without a blip of interest that would be something, but not now, not with all this shit swirling around - if i killed myself it would put my mom and dad back in the papers. it would be yet another reason for the book to be thrown at them. i'm not a fucking martyr i'm the opposite, i'm the spoiler - the guy that ruins the show because of his own self interest outweighing the lives of the twenty caring people around him. the pilot steering the plane groundward cuz his wife's a cheater. that is me.
god i hate you. not you. god.
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funny thing tho - i didn't lose it b/c i was bad at my job.
if anything i excelled - i was one of the lead salespeople on my team and in my department. i was a mentor and had trained 4 different people across departments. for someone who was there for less than 90 days i had accomplished something few others had, i posted numbers under quota only once. that, to me, was astounding - apparently my managers disagreed. i was fired on something of a technicality. apparently our sign-in sheet wasn't signed twice, by me. this would be bad had i actually not gone into work, but i had. as a matter of fact the only reason i've been given why i didn't work out was that i was less than a week from recieving my benefits, health insurance, and so on - this is an expensive endeavor, i understand. therefore, i was let go, quickly ripped off like a scabby band-aid.
now i am again jobless. my situation is reaching dire straits. my parents are due to begin their sentences in federal prison this june and it has been imperative that i have a situated life for myself where i don't have anyone to rely on.
they have become frantic around here. i, too, have lost my subtle touch with reality and have been seriously attempting bodily harm. i strangled myself with a belt but couldn't finish the job - i have taken fistfuls of leftover vicodin and ambien but they just knock me out, i've built up too much resistance to pharmaceuticals. i can't find my dad's rifle anymore - i think i've mustered the courage to end this nightmare but i don't think i really have.
i mean suicide is great, don't get me wrong. totally fixes all the problems: the crappy back, the low self esteem, poverty, mom and dad going to jail? don't matter when you are dead. can't get a date? dating isn't a worry when dead. but i digress. i can't go through with it, not today. i mean i hate life i hate it i hate it. i want more than anything not to live my life. not to have to watch people you love either suffer or leave you. not to just wake up with pure contempt for the day. to know, not just think, but to know that you will amount to nothing. that my best chance at success is to just surrender to death who is so patiently lobbing these reasons at me, invitations to just quit. i can't do it. why? because my mom will cry. because i have so many people that will be vindicated by my failures. if i could die without a blip of interest that would be something, but not now, not with all this shit swirling around - if i killed myself it would put my mom and dad back in the papers. it would be yet another reason for the book to be thrown at them. i'm not a fucking martyr i'm the opposite, i'm the spoiler - the guy that ruins the show because of his own self interest outweighing the lives of the twenty caring people around him. the pilot steering the plane groundward cuz his wife's a cheater. that is me.
god i hate you. not you. god.
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