kids.
imagine, if you will, a world in which i am the greatest babysitter of all-time.
and then, imagine reality.
--
a couple days ago, i had the fantastic-in-theory opportunity to watch 4 kids for 20 hours while their parents went to kitchner ontario for the world's largest oktoberfest outside of deutschland.
now when you think "kids" don't think...like...6 month old quadruplets. i had two 10 year-old male twins, a 12 ("im gonna be 13 next week what are you getting me?!") year-old female, and a 17 year-old army recruit being dispatched to boot camp as soon as he graduates from high school.
not a hard situation. especially with hard-ass decker holding the reigns, all should have gone according to plan.
.........
...
........................
yeah so the fucking shit starts off with me rolling over around 4 or so and being greeted by 3 hungry kids. the mother had told me that she made a pot of chicken soup for everyone but didn't add the noodles. she wanted me to cook the noodles in a separate pot so the soup wouldnt get all starchy.
so im sitting down on the couch reading the Guiness Book of World Records 2006. and watching Next or My Super Sweet 16 or some shit on MTV when one of the derelict twins asks me if he can have some soup. i oblige and say that i'll put the noodles in a separate pot so the soup doesnt get all starchy.
As i'm finishing my sentence, i hear a 1 lb. bag of "P&R Classic Noodles - 32" being fucking dumped into the pot of soup at a rate comparable or equal to the speed of gravity.
miiiiiiiint.
i bookmark the page at "world's smallest living man" and get up to investigate the soup. after about five minutes it's clear, or should i say, starchy, that we will not be having chicken soup this evening.
whatever. the kids busts out the cheerios and whatever else...pop tarts i think.
meanwhile, i'm stuck with a Half-Shi Tzu Half-Maltese biting at my toes, barking at my face and stepping around on my testicles for no reason at all. i was scrolling through the book to see if the "World's Biggest Shotgun" was anywhere in the immediate area.
--
"it's cold! can we start up the fireplace!?"
"WHOA WHOA WHOA....gimme that lighter back!"
seeing as how it seemed like it was a balmy -4 degrees fahrenheit in the house, i concured and decided it would be a good idea to start up the fireplace. there was one problem, i didn't know how to really start a fireplace, seeing as how the only fireplace i've ever used is controlled by an "ON/OFF" button.
"you guys know how to work this thing right?" i asked.
"yeah yeah!! I DO!"
"NO I DO!!"
"NO ME!! ME!! I KNOW BETTER THAN YOU!!"
"ALRIGHTTTTT ENOUGH!!!"
in my mind, i figure these kids are 10 and 12 years old. theyve lived in this house all of their life, i'm imagining they've seen or participated in the starting of the fireplace a minimum...MINIMUM!... of 650 times.
i soon realized this was not the case.
i set a small piece of newspaper on fire and threw it in the pit. then i learned it operated on a gas valve as well, located in the floor in front of the fireplace. the reason i learned this is because as i was walking away and turned back to look, i noticed the small warm fire turn into a raging inferno inside the pit. one of the twins had decided to crank the gas valve all the way to the right, because he was "really cold."
i immediately went to the gas valve and turned it all the way down, now noticing the living room slowly starting to fill up with smoke.
within 2 minutes, the living room had become a stage for rock stars, complete with smoke machine and pyrotechnics. sadly, we did not have a permit for any of this, and our eyes were burning.
everyone bolted for the kitchen and the backyard patio. as i was stuck with dumping 4 glasses of water (one at a time) on this towering blaze.
"I'm calling Mom!" the girl said as she pressed the "TALK" button on the cordless telephone.
"NO EVERYTHING'S FINE!!!" i exclaimed as i coughed up my left lung and wiped my eyes dry from the tears caused by the smoke, convincing her to hang up the phone.
the fire was extinguished by now. but the smoke had not subsided. i called on the assistance of the 17 year old boot camper from his Biggie-influenced basement bedroom.
he said something about how the chimney needed to be opened.
this was news to me as i thought chimneys were opening around the clock. you know, santa claus and all. you don't hear people talking about "make sure the chimney's open on christmas eve" and shit. it just goes to show how sheltered i really am.
the smoke had filled the entire house, but miraculously, or perhaps unmiraculously, no smoke detectors were set off and no authorities were notified.
the chimney was now open and i went out to see the smoke billowing out of the house. this was a tremendous relief, and within the hour, things were back to normal.
"blankets," i said. "blankets and long johns. wear them."
--
as the night went on, things were good, except of course for the hyperactive canine flipping out at everything and the smell of smoke on our clothes. i decided it would be a nice idea to get the three younger kids out of the house and go get some frozen custard!
not a nice idea.
the kids took to ordering the most expensive things on the menu and whining at me saying "just get a twist in a dish or something." then they started fighting because one thought another got more ice cream. i noticed a pain start to form inside my brain.
--
we got back and the kids were fighting. i told one of the twins to separate immediately and go upstairs to bed.
it was 7.30pm and i'd had enough.
things finally simmered down. the daughter and i watched some more MTV (on separate couches, sickos) as the night went on.
you see, in addition to watching the three youngsters, i was also called upon to make sure the older one didnt have a huge ass party or anything. he had about 5 people over and when i woke up at around 1230 the people started to leave. biggie wasnt thumped from the basement anymore and i assumed the shindig was over with. i got up and decided to go home for the night, since everything had died down, and sleep in my bed, and be up and back before the kids got up. in case you were wondering, have a huge problem sleeping in other people's houses. i hit my sheets and die.
i set my alarm for around 8am and when i got up, i noticed on my phone that i had 6 missed calls......
miiiiiiiiiint.
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i listened to my voicemails with my ear about a foot away from the receiver because i didn't want to hear anything. i was supposed to stay there, but going home after they went to bed and getting back before they wake up coupled with the fact they had a 17 year old brother with a full beard and two tattoos going into the army, i figure i can get a fucking good night's sleep.
no sir.
apparently after i left, there was a ton of heads that rolled up wanting to have a party. this was where i was supposed to come in. i was supposed to tell all these bitch-ass high schoolers to fuck the hell off and maybe even throw a fist or two. but i wasnt there. all hell and the dog broke loose that night, and i was sleeping face-first into my pillow.
--
i get back unaccording to plan with the kids wide awake.
"WHERE WERE YOU?"
i harked back to a quote made famous by samuel clemens, better known to you and i as mark twain...
"when in doubt, tell the truth."
........
"um....i was sleeping"
"you weren't supposed to leave!!!"
i didnt justify my reasoning anymore, as i can be....and was, wrong.
so i slowly wondered to myself, 'should i be in the "i can't wait until the parents get back' mode, or the opposite?
if they come back soon, i'll die. if they don't come back soon, i'll also die.
--
so i have to take the girl to dance class for an hour or so in the south of buffalo. i take the twins with me and after we drop her off we go to the mall. they brought along their playstation2 so they could trade it in for money because "they didnt play it anymore."
before i got my head stuck in a vice, i decided it would be best for them to call their parents to make sure. after they conversation was over and the fact that the phone was not handed off to me, i realized that the parents were not told in the middle of the night about the previous day's events.
at least not yet.
i had to endure an hour of twins pissing and moaning about how they wanted to trade in their ps2 but couldnt because dad said no.
"cant we just trade in one game so we can play a game at the arcade?"
this is what they were hellbent on doing, trading in a 40 dollar game so they could have a couple rounds at the fucking Skill Crane.
"no, dont be ridiculous."
"ughhhh!!!! come on"
"no, dont be ridiculous."
finally it was time to get the girl from dance, so we go park and wait for her to come out.
"can we go to mcdonalds?"
"do you have any money?" i said.
".....at my house."
"well that doesnt do us any good now does it?"
"dont you have an atm card or something"
"yeah, i have an ATM card, do you?"
"no"
i began to feel guilty.
the girl finally came out and took 2 minutes to find my car.
as she got in she says, "how come you didnt honk, i couldnt find you."
"well i didnt think it was appropriate for a 23 year-old to be honking at 12 year-old girls from a car with dark tinted windows. i think it's illegal in some states."
we went into mcdonalds and i said get whatever. i had a free medium fry thing from the monopoly game they have there and i gave it to one of the twins to get a thing of fries.
bad move.
the number of sulky faces at the table had increased from 0 to 2 as the two other siblings were left fryless. then i gave the girl money to get a soda to split between the three of them which was another bad move because "i want my own" and "you backwash" and all this other shit.
i'd had enough.
we got in the car and started back home. the girl called her mom.
"where are you?....youre 10 minutes away from home?!....YES!!!!......mom, there was a ton of people over last night, they woke me up, everyone was drunk"
i felt my blood begin to curdle and the brain pain begin to come back in large amounts.
"josh left......yeah, josh left in the middle of the night"
you're welcome for the custard, the mcdonalds and everything else, i thought, as i buried my forehead into the steering wheel going 75 65mph on the thruway.
--
we got back and the parents were there, i really didnt say much, neither did they. i had failed. i wasnt paid for the 20 hours (minus 6) i spent with them, and i really didnt care. i just wanted out. and so i got in my car
...and drove off into the distance......
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i wonder if anyone will ever make a call to the bullpen for my babysitting expertise. not anyone familiar with those kid's parents or this livejournal, i bet. but it's ok. i don't plan on it.
im retiring from babysitting at age 23. i have bigger fish to fry.
but what's life without a little spice?
...or smoke....for that matter.