Has anyone, other than myself, ever made a list of exactly what you want/expect in a partner/relationship? I Figured I may not be the only one, considering, it sounds like a very idealist thing to do
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Well, those wishes seem reasonable, and you describe your boyfriend as if he is not very mature.
Now, let's see what misunderstandings might occur. He might have more feelings than you realise, but if he does not respect yours, there is something wrong. He is probably more orderly than you are, agreeing about a reasonable compromise might help prevent that you cross each other's tolerance boundaries. I find it highly unusual for an INTJ to want someone to be like anyone else--that seems out of character. I will assume that "appreciate" does not hold the expectation of walking around on eggshells.
I hope I do not sound too critical.. I am not implying you are doing anything wrong, I don't know you or your situation, I am just thinking out loud about things that might go wrong in a relationship that could on an abstract level be described as how you did. :) And I don't want to pry.
i would be highly embarrassed by people seeing how picky i am
That is an interesting statement to make. FTR, I first got a girlfriend at 30, so I am not easily surprised or annoyed by people being picky.
he seems pretty mature, perhaps i am the immature one. He just doesn't understand me, or love me on the levels that i want to be loved and understood, and i know that is irrational, but its how i feel.
And he seriously seems emotionless. No matter how i am feeling, he always seems to act the same. When i'm pissed off at him, or when i'm head over hills in love with him kissing on him, he always shows the same emotion...which is nothing.
sort of depressing for someone who has a lot of emotion.
Irrational is fine, INTJs are pretty irrational though that is not how they tend to come across. ;)
Yes, what you feel is important. I do not know how much your boyfriend loves you, but if you cannot feel it, that does make things difficult.
And he seriously seems emotionless.
I seem that to people who do not know me. People who know me, however, do not have that experience, though I can very well not show what I feel if I am not inclined to do so.
sort of depressing for someone who has a lot of emotion.
It does not come so naturally to NTs to show emotion (which does not mean they do not have any). From my POV NFs expect.. let's say more of a display than I would think was necessary. This could be an area to consciously work on together, if you both care.
Yeah i definitely expect a decent display of emotion, to believe that someone really feels the way they feel. He tells me he loves me, but if he can't display it through emotions, then i will never believe it. I feel that he loves me, not because he feels love, but because he logically thinks he is supposed to love me..if that makes any sense.
I understand the interpretation, but I am not so sure that what comes across to you is really the way it is. INTJs really can feel love without being very indicative about it.
yeah,but how are us INFPs supposed to know for sure that we are loved? I show that i love him very much, on a daily basis, and he doesn't even seem to appreciate that, so i have no way of knowing.
Take this with a sack of salt.syntheticjessoJuly 22 2007, 20:30:58 UTC
A word of advice from someone who's been in a bad relationship with an INTJ? DO NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT take all the blame yourself. There is NOTHING wrong with being emotional. Period.
The INTJ I was with constantly made me feel guilty and inferior for being "too emotional", and at one point even suggested "happy pills". He kept making me feel guilty by saying things like "some day you'll trust me", which tore me to bits, and even managed to pin the blame on me when he broke up with me. As in, he cited specific examples of when me being emotional had stressed him, and apparently that was the reason he was unable to get a better job, save money, move back out of his mom's house, cure cancer, and end world hunger. Because I was emotional. And that about destroyed me. It took a lot of counseling before I was able to realize that it was not my fault.
Please, please don't let the same happen to you. Reading your comment here resonates with me. Perhaps I'm just super-tired from reading the new Harry Potter, and perhaps I'm more sensitive to it having had such a bad time with an INTJ myself, but I don't want to see the same thing happening to anyone else. It is not wrong to be emotional. Period. If he keeps refusing to compromise with you, then (and I hate to say this) maybe you need to rethink things. IF things keep on without him trying to meet you halfway, then you will just be miserable. Please please please don't let that happen. Please don't change yourself to suit him. Please don't make the same mistakes I did.
Re: Take this with a sack of salt.emoshunalJuly 22 2007, 22:01:37 UTC
He doesn't make me feel guilty or anything, i just want to see that he has some sort of feelings for me, and i've never seen him express an emotion, except for when his ex girlfriend broke up with him.
Before i was with this INTJ, i was with an INFJ, so i'm just used to having someone who really expresses how they feel, and i know they really mean it. I just have no way of knowing what the intj feels inside. He can say "i love you", but the fact that i don't know if he means it bothers me.
Also a lot of people have given me this warning about INTJs and i highly appreciate it, i'm definitely making sure he doesn't try to make me feel inferior.
Re: Take this with a sack of salt.syntheticjessoJuly 22 2007, 22:08:16 UTC
Oh, okay, good. I'm glad I'm not the only one, and that you know already :-)
I think maybe part of the problem is that for us, actions speak louder than words... but for INTJs, maybe, words are everything and actions are irrelevant. That's a pretty major difference in worldview, and it's hard for each to understand the other.
I think jero is right - my INTJ friend SEEMS to be outwardly emotionless, but there's a set of very guarded, quiet little emotions going on there behind the scenes! The best way to reach your INTJ boyfriend is probably to sit him down on a day when you are feeling emotionally whole and okay, and explain to him that you need him to demonstrate more that he loves you, and give him concrete examples (i.e, "I would really like for you to say that you love me more, without prompting" or "It would help me feel more loved if you would hug me more"). INTJs prefer to think logically, but in my experience when they care for someone "I feel unappreciated and you doing this will help me feel better about us" can be perfectly acceptable logic. (As a sidenote, this may be easier if he knows about the MBTI too - and this method may well work for any of the types who care about you - worked a treat on my ENFJ boyfriend).
Now, let's see what misunderstandings might occur. He might have more feelings than you realise, but if he does not respect yours, there is something wrong. He is probably more orderly than you are, agreeing about a reasonable compromise might help prevent that you cross each other's tolerance boundaries. I find it highly unusual for an INTJ to want someone to be like anyone else--that seems out of character. I will assume that "appreciate" does not hold the expectation of walking around on eggshells.
I hope I do not sound too critical.. I am not implying you are doing anything wrong, I don't know you or your situation, I am just thinking out loud about things that might go wrong in a relationship that could on an abstract level be described as how you did. :) And I don't want to pry.
i would be highly embarrassed by people seeing how picky i am
That is an interesting statement to make. FTR, I first got a girlfriend at 30, so I am not easily surprised or annoyed by people being picky.
Reply
And he seriously seems emotionless. No matter how i am feeling, he always seems to act the same. When i'm pissed off at him, or when i'm head over hills in love with him kissing on him, he always shows the same emotion...which is nothing.
sort of depressing for someone who has a lot of emotion.
Reply
Yes, what you feel is important. I do not know how much your boyfriend loves you, but if you cannot feel it, that does make things difficult.
And he seriously seems emotionless.
I seem that to people who do not know me. People who know me, however, do not have that experience, though I can very well not show what I feel if I am not inclined to do so.
sort of depressing for someone who has a lot of emotion.
It does not come so naturally to NTs to show emotion (which does not mean they do not have any). From my POV NFs expect.. let's say more of a display than I would think was necessary. This could be an area to consciously work on together, if you both care.
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I guess putting up with me is enough though. lol
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If he cares, he can learn to show it to you more. My ENFP likes me to be more indicative, too.
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The INTJ I was with constantly made me feel guilty and inferior for being "too emotional", and at one point even suggested "happy pills". He kept making me feel guilty by saying things like "some day you'll trust me", which tore me to bits, and even managed to pin the blame on me when he broke up with me. As in, he cited specific examples of when me being emotional had stressed him, and apparently that was the reason he was unable to get a better job, save money, move back out of his mom's house, cure cancer, and end world hunger. Because I was emotional. And that about destroyed me. It took a lot of counseling before I was able to realize that it was not my fault.
Please, please don't let the same happen to you. Reading your comment here resonates with me. Perhaps I'm just super-tired from reading the new Harry Potter, and perhaps I'm more sensitive to it having had such a bad time with an INTJ myself, but I don't want to see the same thing happening to anyone else. It is not wrong to be emotional. Period. If he keeps refusing to compromise with you, then (and I hate to say this) maybe you need to rethink things. IF things keep on without him trying to meet you halfway, then you will just be miserable. Please please please don't let that happen. Please don't change yourself to suit him. Please don't make the same mistakes I did.
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Before i was with this INTJ, i was with an INFJ, so i'm just used to having someone who really expresses how they feel, and i know they really mean it. I just have no way of knowing what the intj feels inside. He can say "i love you", but the fact that i don't know if he means it bothers me.
Also a lot of people have given me this warning about INTJs and i highly appreciate it, i'm definitely making sure he doesn't try to make me feel inferior.
Reply
I think maybe part of the problem is that for us, actions speak louder than words... but for INTJs, maybe, words are everything and actions are irrelevant. That's a pretty major difference in worldview, and it's hard for each to understand the other.
Reply
The best way to reach your INTJ boyfriend is probably to sit him down on a day when you are feeling emotionally whole and okay, and explain to him that you need him to demonstrate more that he loves you, and give him concrete examples (i.e, "I would really like for you to say that you love me more, without prompting" or "It would help me feel more loved if you would hug me more"). INTJs prefer to think logically, but in my experience when they care for someone "I feel unappreciated and you doing this will help me feel better about us" can be perfectly acceptable logic.
(As a sidenote, this may be easier if he knows about the MBTI too - and this method may well work for any of the types who care about you - worked a treat on my ENFJ boyfriend).
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