isolation
Feeling pretty confused and distant, emo like summer perhaps. Life is great though; I'm just not sure where to take it.
Last night I went to a wedding with Dee; it was a cousin she barely knew, she needed to bring a guest so she wouldn't be alone and miserably bored. So I was rather out of place but it was still enjoyable; we were seated at the Kids Table for the reception, which was perfect. I made friends with a 5yo girl named Lisa and her My Little Pony named Rainbow.
Lame as always, the celebration made me reflective. A window into the lifestyle of someone's extended family.. for so many reasons I appreciate seeing how these people are. What are the roles of parents? How do they handle the issue of divorce, or subtle jokes about sex? What place does religion have, both in formal context, and in under-the-radar glances? It was also fascinating to hear Dee's perspective of this people, and what happens when you do or don't fit in.
Together we downed a whole bottle of Alcohol-Free Champonade -- the wedding was completely dry. See, growing up I was told by a number of people that hoping for an alcohol-free wedding was totally socially unreasonable and I should just learn to deal with it. That I'd never find a girl to marry who'd also appreciate such a bizarre worldview, etc. It's really not just alcohol, but my whole approach to life. In very emo second-year I'd given up completely on the idea that there were people out there with whom I'd feel close enough to be family, rather than just friends (which are still awesome-cool tho). Since then I've learned to open my eyes and look for a place to call home.
I feel ready to fall in love with a culture, to redefine a local context of family, and life expectations. Man, I guess I'm getting old, lol.. But I'm starting to think that big-city-lifestyle really isn't the place for me, that I could be very happy living simply and in smaller community. At the same time, I want to be open to the world, to be doing something real and meaningful with my life, that has consequence outside of minor circles. Maybe I just need a change of scene.
That change should have been coming, what with my near-failing University progress. My dream was to get more formal education, so that I can learn more+more and also so I won't have to worry about getting a job, and being able to provide for family, etc. But with my academic track record, Waterloo ruined (humbled?) me in so many ways; as the terms went on and particularly last month, I came to accept that I would shortly be done with school and would have to find some sort of career; and for once be responsible completely for the way I'm choosing to live my life. As dopey and unqualified as I would feel applying for anything. (have I mentioned that I'm ridiculously underconfident in general?)
So then on Friday I was working with the prof I'm doing research for, and finally we've been seeing some results; so we might have something ready for the conference's paper submissions which are due in early June. We got to talking, and he basically invited me to do my Master's under him. I let him know that I'd love to but that my marks are absolutely miserable, but he says I should apply anyway and he can probably get me in.
Wow. Once again, this changes everything. Yaaa!
I wonder, though, am I not done with this place? It's probably my one and only chance to continue with education -- and I'm going to try as much as I can to get in -- but I'm also starting to feel like I should move on, in terms of relationships and identity. Tho I'm also really excited!
Sorry for the very bloggish blog post :) Peace out y'all.
Last night I went to a wedding with Dee; it was a cousin she barely knew, she needed to bring a guest so she wouldn't be alone and miserably bored. So I was rather out of place but it was still enjoyable; we were seated at the Kids Table for the reception, which was perfect. I made friends with a 5yo girl named Lisa and her My Little Pony named Rainbow.
Lame as always, the celebration made me reflective. A window into the lifestyle of someone's extended family.. for so many reasons I appreciate seeing how these people are. What are the roles of parents? How do they handle the issue of divorce, or subtle jokes about sex? What place does religion have, both in formal context, and in under-the-radar glances? It was also fascinating to hear Dee's perspective of this people, and what happens when you do or don't fit in.
Together we downed a whole bottle of Alcohol-Free Champonade -- the wedding was completely dry. See, growing up I was told by a number of people that hoping for an alcohol-free wedding was totally socially unreasonable and I should just learn to deal with it. That I'd never find a girl to marry who'd also appreciate such a bizarre worldview, etc. It's really not just alcohol, but my whole approach to life. In very emo second-year I'd given up completely on the idea that there were people out there with whom I'd feel close enough to be family, rather than just friends (which are still awesome-cool tho). Since then I've learned to open my eyes and look for a place to call home.
I feel ready to fall in love with a culture, to redefine a local context of family, and life expectations. Man, I guess I'm getting old, lol.. But I'm starting to think that big-city-lifestyle really isn't the place for me, that I could be very happy living simply and in smaller community. At the same time, I want to be open to the world, to be doing something real and meaningful with my life, that has consequence outside of minor circles. Maybe I just need a change of scene.
That change should have been coming, what with my near-failing University progress. My dream was to get more formal education, so that I can learn more+more and also so I won't have to worry about getting a job, and being able to provide for family, etc. But with my academic track record, Waterloo ruined (humbled?) me in so many ways; as the terms went on and particularly last month, I came to accept that I would shortly be done with school and would have to find some sort of career; and for once be responsible completely for the way I'm choosing to live my life. As dopey and unqualified as I would feel applying for anything. (have I mentioned that I'm ridiculously underconfident in general?)
So then on Friday I was working with the prof I'm doing research for, and finally we've been seeing some results; so we might have something ready for the conference's paper submissions which are due in early June. We got to talking, and he basically invited me to do my Master's under him. I let him know that I'd love to but that my marks are absolutely miserable, but he says I should apply anyway and he can probably get me in.
Wow. Once again, this changes everything. Yaaa!
I wonder, though, am I not done with this place? It's probably my one and only chance to continue with education -- and I'm going to try as much as I can to get in -- but I'm also starting to feel like I should move on, in terms of relationships and identity. Tho I'm also really excited!
Sorry for the very bloggish blog post :) Peace out y'all.