[fic] i'm still painting flowers for you, 2/2

[xdespondence]

part two;

day four.

Kyuhyun finds it a little difficult to open his eyes the next morning because his eyelashes are stuck together with dried tears. He opens them anyway though, because he can’t live with his eyes closed. He didn’t sleep well, but he slept deeply-all of these years, and the sound of Zhou Mi’s breathing still has that effect on him. Love, he thinks-this must be what love is. The love you have for a friend-the one that you can fall apart in front of and not be ashamed of it.

His arm is in utter pain because Zhou Mi has been sleeping on it all night and it needs some blood circulation. With a wince, he pulls it out from underneath the other man, and Zhou Mi stirs, rolling over onto his other side.

Just a minute more. He’ll sleep for a minute more, and then he’ll get up.

“Morning,” Zhou Mi mumbles sleepily, not moving.

“Morning.” He stares at the ceiling, still waiting for the grogginess of sleep to wear off. It’s a moment later before he forces himself to sit up. “Did you sleep well?”

“Yeah. How about you?”

“Yeah.” Zhou Mi rolls over, and looks at Kyuhyun with half-lidded eyes. “Are you going to get up soon?”

“I think so.”

Zhou Mi’s reaches out to grab his arm, but he ends up smacking him instead. “Stay in bed today? I feel like something’s going to happen if you leave.”

Kyuhyun rolls his eyes. “It’s just your weird hunches, Mi. Nothing’s going to happen.”

“Today just feels like a bad day! Please, stay in bed?” Kyuhyun stares at him for a long moment-Zhou Mi with pleading eyes, long lashes and even longer limbs. He contemplates the idea of lazing around all day with him, and finds it very appealing-but then he remembers Sungmin, and how he promised that he’d talk to his parents last night, and decides otherwise.

“You can stay in bed if you want, but I’m going to get up. I’m not going to waste time in bed when I can be doing other things, like eating through this entire ship’s supply of food.”

“You’re still trying to do that?”

“Why not?”

Zhou Mi sighs and sits up, rubbing his eyes. “If you get up, I guess I will too…remember, you said you’d spend time with me today!”

“I know.” Kyuhyun all but rolls out of bed. “Let me find Sungmin first? I promise I’ll be back fast.”

He ignores the hurt in Zhou Mi’s voice. “Oh. Okay.”

Kyuhyun isn’t sure why he wants to see Sungmin-he just wants to know if he talked to his parents. There’s some sense of urgency when it comes to this-what they have-like they’ll never have enough time. He quickly gets dressed and brushes his teeth, before heading out. Zhou Mi’s still in bed when he leaves-Kyuhyun makes a mental note to come back quickly.

He spends a good hour looking for him-up on the deck, in the billiards room, the restaurant, the piano room-Sungmin is nowhere to be found, and Kyuhyun is about to return back to Zhou Mi, spirits dampened, when a hand lands on his shoulder.

“Can I talk to you for a moment?” Kyuhyun’s heart jumps in fear, because no matter how confident someone is in himself, he will always feel inferior to Siwon.

“Um, sure.” Kyuhyun let’s Siwon lead him into an empty room, and when he closes the door with a definite click, he swallows, feeling an uncomfortable lump in his throat.

Siwon crosses his arms, brows furrowed. Kyuhyun tries to look like he has a shred of confidence. “I hope you know that what you and Sungmin are doing is terribly obvious,” he says, and all Kyuhyun can do is nod tightly. “The only person who hasn’t caught onto the severity of it is Sungmin’s mother, but even she’ll realize it soon.”

Kyuhyun waits, because he doesn’t know what to say, and after a moment, Siwon’s hard expression fades away, and the taller man leans against the wall, a long sigh escaping his lips.

“Our marriage…was arranged. Neither Sungmin nor I had a problem with it though, because we did have feelings for each other. But Sungmin’s family is-overbearing, as I’m sure you know, and eventually, that just overrules everything else.” Siwon closes his eyes. “I got tired. We both got tired. But we still had to get married.”

He shifts his weight from foot to foot. “Why are you telling me this?”

“Because I think you should know.” Whose side is he on, here? What are his intentions? “Sungmin isn’t the type to talk about these things, so I thought I’d fill you in. He’s…he’s fine like this. He can live a life like this and be okay with it. But I used to love him-and I know that he’s made for better things.” Siwon pauses. “I’m sure you know, too.”

Kyuhyun’s hands are clammy. “So what are you saying?” he asks. “That you’re letting him go? The marriage is called off?”

“It’s not really that simple.” Siwon purses his lips. “Last night, Sungmin appealed to his mother-of course, she turned down the idea. She said that she’d see it through until the end, no matter how much he tried to persuade her. I-” And here is where he stops, and Kyuhyun watches him with curiosity. Siwon’s face twists into something akin to guilt. “She talked to me after Sungmin left, and told me to…keep him chained, is probably the best way to put it-so I…”

“You fucked him,” Kyuhyun says flatly when Siwon falls silent, because he’s a man of sophistication, and has most likely never talked about his bedroom escapades with anyone before.

Siwon flinches. “That’s one way to put it, yes.”

Suddenly, Kyuhyun isn’t so frightened anymore. “So did you just want to tell me that you’ve laid your claim on him? Because I know that, Siwon-he’s bound to you by family matters, but you can’t bind his heart. You can’t bind anyone’s heart.”

“I know,” Siwon says, voice low. “I actually came to apologize.”

A beat. “Excuse me?”

“It’s actually in both Sungmin’s interest and mine to end this engagement-but Sungmin has the courage that I don’t. He steps up while I stay in the shadows. I admire that about him.” He looks away. “Just…don’t let me hinder you in what you want to do, is what I wanted to say.”

Kyuhyun straightens up-feels a little bit of strength return to his bones. “You wouldn’t have hindered me anyway,” he says, but there is a lilt to his voice, a tiny quirk in his lips. Siwon nods, understanding. “I’ve actually been looking for Sungmin-do you happen to know where he is?”

He thinks for a moment. “I was with him a little while ago, but I think he said he was going to play piano for a bit, to let off some steam.”

“Oh. Thanks.” Kyuhyun makes a move towards the door. “Um, thanks. For telling me, I mean.”

Siwon nods. “I think everyone needs to find their happiness.”

He reaches for the doorknob and pauses, before turning around. “I hope things work out,” he says slowly. “With you and Hankyung.” The other man only looks surprised for a moment, but then sends him a tight-lipped smile. Kyuhyun thinks that maybe, the world is finally on his side.

-

There is probably something wrong with him if he searches an entire ship just for one man. “Hey.” Kyuhyun closes the door behind him-locks the door and shuts the blinds-before making his way towards the piano. “I’ve been looking for you.”

“Have you?” Sungmin smiles, and for a moment, Kyuhyun forgets how to breathe.

“You’re almost impossible to find.”

He shrugs. “I come and go. It’s a part of life.”

Kyuhyun leans on the piano and looks at Sungmin’s fingers on the keyboard. “You should just stick with me forever.”

Sungmin’s light expression becomes strained immediately. Kyuhyun wishes he didn’t say anything. “As if that’s possible,” Sungmin says, looking away. “I talked to my mom yesterday-”

“I know,” Kyuhyun interrupts. “Siwon told me.”

The other man raises his eyebrows in surprise. “Siwon?”

“He cornered me earlier and…gave me a talk.”

“What about?”

“You.” Kyuhyun smiles, faintly. Sungmin’s brow furrows in confusion. “Us. Actually, just the fact that he fucked you last night.”

Sungmin’s expression goes from puzzlement, to bafflement, to pure shock in about two seconds. “He what?”

“It’s okay.” Kyuhyun shrugs. “You guys are engaged-you should be sexually active.”

“I can’t believe”-Sungmin’s face has turned an amusing shade of red-“we actually haven’t slept together in months, and I really hope you believe that-”

“Relax, Sungmin.” He grins impishly. “He’s an attractive guy. I get it.”

“That’s not-that’s not the point,” he sputters, and Kyuhyun thinks it’s the most endearing thing in the world. “He kind of forced himself on me and I thought-maybe if I let it happen-” Kyuhyun’s eyes soften as he watches Sungmin try to grab purchase of the right words. “If I let it happen, then maybe I’d love him again…and maybe things would get better, somehow.”

Kyuhyun tilts his head to the side. “Did it work?”

Sungmin looks away. “No.”

“Then that’s all that matters.” Kyuhyun thinks about how Zhou Mi kissed him last night, and how close he was to letting him in-to maybe trying to fix what they could’ve had-and he thinks that he’s not entirely innocent either.

“You’re not upset?”

“No, I am. But what can I do about it?” His bottom lip juts out in a pout. “Maybe you should make it up to me.”

Sungmin narrows his eyes in suspicion, and Kyuhyun curses how sharp his is. “How?” He points to his mouth, and Sungmin gives him an exasperated look. “Really, Kyuhyun? Is that all you think about?”

“Ever since yesterday, yeah.” Sungmin looks away, and foolishly, Kyuhyun wonders if their future will be like this. If he can offhandedly make comments about how much he wants Sungmin, or see the way he bites his bottom lip when he’s thinking-or if they have a future at all. What Siwon told him has given him some hope, but hope is hardly enough to build something off of. Kyuhyun knows that. “Your mother said no. So that means…”

“I’m not going to let this get to me, though,” Sungmin says. “I’ll just keep pestering her until she says yes.”

“All of that just for me?” Kyuhyun muses. “That’s so kind of you.”

Sungmin doesn’t dignify him with a response, and only reaches out to cradle Kyuhyun’s face, pressing his mouth hard onto his. Kyuhyun indulges himself, because that’s one of the things he’s best at-beggars know when something good comes along. They know how to enjoy themselves. Everything else fades away in his mind and he is only left with Sungmin-his warmth, his taste, the way his tongue sweeps over Kyuhyun’s.

“Should we be doing this,” the older man gasps against Kyuhyun’s mouth when Kyuhyun grips his waist like a lifeline, so tight that it might bruise. “I mean, my mother-Siwon-”

“Siwon loves Hankyung, remember?” Kyuhyun murmurs, pressing kisses along Sungmin’s jaw, licking and nibbling at his neck. Sungmin shudders against him. “I told you he talked to me. It’s okay. He said it was okay.”

“Did he?” Sungmin’s hands trail down Kyuhyun’s chest, his question more rhetorical than anything. Kyuhyun goes to unbutton Sungmin’s suit, fingers fumbling and the familiar heat brewing in the pit of his stomach. He wants this. Sungmin wants this too. He’s not going to let anything stop them this time-they have to finish it this time.

And he wonders if this might be what desire is. A desire so strong that he can’t get rid of it, can’t stop thinking about it-so strong that it even haunts his dreams. He pulls Sungmin closer-closer, until they’re pressed flush against each other, until it feels like they’re one person. This desire, this terrible desire-

They fall together seamlessly, like they’re meant to, and Kyuhyun is sure that they are.

-

It’s only afterwards, when they’re lying on the floor together, warm and content, that Kyuhyun remembers his promise to Zhou Mi.

“I said I’d spend the day with him today…it’s nearing noon, isn’t it?”

“I think so.” Sungmin rolls over and sits up. “Maybe you should get back to him, then.”

“No, it’s okay. He’ll understand.”

“Are you sure? You did promise him, after all.”

To be honest, Kyuhyun isn’t sure. He knows he should-Zhou Mi is probably hurt enough right now already. He’s probably still waiting for him back in their room. But basking in the afterglow with Sungmin-that seems like a much better option than spending the day with Zhou Mi.

You’re a terrible friend, he thinks to himself. He shoves the guilt aside, promising himself that he’ll just apologize later tonight.

“I’m sure,” he replies to Sungmin, pulling him down and kissing him again.

-

Somehow, Sungmin convinces Kyuhyun to have lunch with him and his family. It’s probably one of the biggest mistakes Kyuhyun has ever made, but he does his best to look like he’s dignified and eats with the best table manners. Sungmin dressed him up in one of his suits and tied his bowtie for him, and when Siwon sees him, he says that Kyuhyun looks good, and to always chew with his mouth closed. Kyuhyun keeps that in mind.

Everything is going fine, with Sungmin’s hand occasionally lingering on Kyuhyun’s thigh, or Siwon redirecting the conversation when Sungmin’s mother narrows her eyes at Kyuhyun too much. It’s near the end of the meal that Kyuhyun spots Zhou Mi walking into the room, and Kyuhyun immediately tries to avoid eye contact.

“Do you want to go talk to him?” Sungmin leans in, whispering into his ear. “It looks like he’s alone.”

Kyuhyun glances at him. “Are you sure?”

“Why not? Isn’t he your friend?”

My best friend, he mentally corrects, before smiling at him in thanks and excusing himself from the table. He weaves through the chairs and the people until he reaches Zhou Mi, who’s sitting alone, flipping through the menu.

“Hey,” he says with a smile, sliding into the seat across from him. “Looking lonely there.”

Zhou Mi glances up and smiles back, albeit not quite as brightly as he normally would. “And whose fault do you think that is?”

Kyuhyun rests his chin on his hands, wondering how he came to have a friend like this. “Sungmin,” he says carefully, feeling the other man’s name on his tongue. “He really is something, Mi. He’s like this faraway dream that people like us can never reach-but suddenly, it’s completely within my reach. It’s amazing.”

His best friend hums. “Well, it’s good that you feel that way,” he replies idly, flipping through the menu. “I have yet to find someone to fall in love with.”

“You’ll find someone someday. I think it’s just because no one can comprehend how amazing you are.”

Zhou Mi snorts. “Right.”

Kyuhyun waits for him to order something, before sighing. “I can’t wait until we get to America. We’ll start anew-things will be so much better than before.”

“Will they?” Zhou Mi hums. “I’ve been thinking…what if things aren’t better? What if they’re worse instead? What would we have gone for? It would’ve been so pointless to throw everything behind just to downgrade our lives…”

“It’s not like you to be so pessimistic.” Kyuhyun frowns. “Stop it.” He stares at the curve of Zhou Mi’s jaw, and thinks that things will be okay, as long as Zhou Mi will be there to catch him. “So what do you want to do this afternoon?” Zhou Mi crosses his arms on the table and leans forward, eyebrows raised as if he’s genuinely surprised at the question.

“You mean, you actually have time for me now?” It’s mostly a jest, but it stings all the same.

“Obviously,” he says, lifting his chin up a little in pride. “What do you want to do? I’ll make up for not spending time with you.”

Zhou Mi smiles, tilting his head affectionately. “I think it’s the thought that counts. Maybe you should spend some more time with Sungmin? He’s staring at you from all the way across the room.” He pauses. “That, and I think it’d be best if I spent some time away from you. Just to get everything in order. You know?”

“Oh, I guess so.” He smiles a little awkwardly. He wants to apologize, but the words won’t leave his mouth. Hurting Zhou Mi the way he did-he’s never wanted that. “When will you be okay?”

His best friend shrugs. “I don’t know. Soon, hopefully.” He smiles. “Don’t worry about me.”

Kyuhyun does worry, though, but he keeps it to himself.

-

He is walking Sungmin back to his room later that night (much later that night) when the ship begins to rumble.

“What’s that?” Sungmin asks, grabbing onto Kyuhyun’s arm for balance when the floor beneath them shakes a little. Kyuhyun looks around the hallway and steadies himself, seeing no one around them.

“Probably just a wave,” he says, shrugging it off. “C’mon, let’s hurry up, before your mother starts getting suspicious. Siwon can only hold her off for so long.”

The floor shakes again, and Sungmin pries his fingers off of Kyuhyun’s arm. “Right. Okay.”

But a minute later, when the ship moves so much that both of them stumble a little to keep from falling, Kyuhyun’s pretty sure it’s more than just a wave. He grabs Sungmin’s wrist and pulls him so they’re both leaning against the wall. Some people poke their heads out of their rooms in curiosity-but the ship shakes and Kyuhyun and Sungmin falls to the floor.

“What’s happening?” Sungmin asks, sounding panicked. Kyuhyun’s own heartbeat increases as he hears plates crashing on the floor, people shouting in surprise.

Siwon takes them by surprise when he runs up to them. “Thank God, I didn’t think I’d be able to find you two,” he said, putting both of them to their feet. “There’s a leak in the ship-we crashed into a glacier. The crew has already called all of the first class passengers, and told them to gather up on deck.”

“A leak?” Kyuhyun’s eyes widen. “Are they working on it right now?”

The taller man’s face was grim. “They haven’t said anything, but they sounded pretty panicked when I answered the call. We should probably prepare for the worst.”

Sungmin tugs on Kyuhyun’s wrist, but he’s frozen. “Kyuhyun? Come on, let’s go?”

“I’m not first class,” he tells Sungmin. “I probably don’t take priority.”

“Who cares about that? I’ll sneak you onto one of the lifeboats, so let’s go!”

Unsure, Kyuhyun follows Sungmin and Siwon down the hallway and to the nearest elevator. The people on the floor-all of them first class-are already scuttling out of their rooms as well, the hallway quickly becoming flooded with frightened people.

“This ship wasn’t made for accidents like this,” Siwon yells over the crowd. “It doesn’t have enough lifeboats to hold all of the passengers.”

“Then…” Sungmin’s voice trails off.

“It’ll be first priority, won’t it?” Kyuhyun says, throat suddenly very dry.

“Women and children first,” Siwon says. “Then the first class.”

Some people scream in surprise, and Kyuhyun looks down, seeing water on the floor. The elevator dings as its doors slide open, and everyone shoves their way inside. Kyuhyun turns to take the stairs, but as if he can read his mind, Sungmin keeps his grip around his wrist tight as he pulls him into the elevator with everyone else. It almost doesn’t close, with the amount of people in it, but it somehow does, and they begin moving at a snail’s pace.

That was the third floor. Water has made it up to the third floor.

The deck is in complete chaos. There are people in their pajamas, people still in their suits-men, women, children, the elderly, everyone Kyuhyun can think of. And suddenly, there is one person he can’t see-

“Zhou Mi-” The name leaves his lips faster than he can think. “Sungmin, I have to go find Zhou Mi-we’re not first class, he wouldn’t have gotten the warning-he would’ve been sleeping right now-”

“What? Are you crazy?” Sungmin still has his death grip around his wrist. “If you go back down there, you might not make it out again! Did you see how quickly the ship is flooding?”

“But Mi-I can’t, Sungmin, It’s Mi-”

“You can’t go!” Sungmin’s eyes are wide, panicked. “I won’t let you go!”

Kyuhyun doesn’t even realize that he’s crying until his vision becomes too blurry for him to see. “Let me go! You can’t do this to me-you don’t have the right-”

Zhou Mi. His best friend since the beginning-the one that he could spend the rest of his life with. The one he loves unconditionally, rain or shine, with or without a home-everything was okay as long as he had Zhou Mi. Zhou Mi helped him get through everything.

And then there’s Sungmin-the person he met just days ago, the one he spiraled down with without any sense of direction. Who is Sungmin, really? Will he be there for Kyuhyun like Zhou Mi was? No matter how he looks at it, Sungmin can’t fill in the space that Zhou Mi has made for himself in Kyuhyun’s heart. People are irreplaceable.

“You have to let me go,” he begs, trying valiantly to pull away from Sungmin. “You can’t do this.”

“Yes I can.” Sungmin’s eyes are fierce. “Zhou Mi will be able to make it out on his own. He wouldn’t want you to go back for him.”

In the background, the crew is already helping people onto the lifeboats, and Siwon is waiting impatiently for them. Kyuhyun does a scan of the area, and something comes to mind.

“Where’s your mother?” His voice is deathly hoarse.

“My mother…” Sungmin whips around, staring at Siwon. “Where’s Mother?”

Siwon shakes his head. “He wasn’t in her room when I looked for her. Maybe she came up already.”

Sungmin’s hand leaves Kyuhyun’s wrist in the blink of an eye. “Go with Siwon, Kyuhyun-I’m going to looking for her-”

“If you go to look for her, I’m going to go look for Zhou Mi.” Kyuhyun stares long and hard at him, and for a long moment, neither of them says anything. Worlds pass between them. Sungmin’s shoulders slump.

“Fine. Let’s go.”

Up until now, the ship has been rocking precariously, and as they help women and children onto the lifeboats, it begins to tip forwards-pool chairs sliding and people losing their balance. Kyuhyun grabs onto the railing as the floor underneath his feet stops acting as the floor at all-and his mind is frozen in panic and utter terror because the ship is tipping into the water and he is going to freefall right to his death. Sungmin is a little ways beside him (above him? He doesn’t know anymore), yelling something to Siwon about killing him if the freezing water doesn’t get to him first if he lets go.

“Kyu!” Kyuhyun turns and he sees Zhou Mi, holding onto one of the masts for dear life. “Thank God you’re okay, I was so scared because I didn’t know where you were!”

His arms are growing sore from holding himself up on the railing, but suddenly seeing Zhou Mi when he can’t even comprehend what’s happening right now sends an adrenaline rush through his veins. “Mi! You got the warning? Get on a lifeboat!”

“Um, kind of difficult to move anywhere right now! But thanks, I’ll put that at the top of my priorities!”

Kyuhyun momentarily wonders how Zhou Mi can still have a sense of humor in this situation, but then the ship jerks and he nearly loses his grip altogether, and just holds on tighter, despite how much his muscles are protesting. “Just-let’s just hold on, yeah?” he shouts over the chaos, not sure of what to do in this situation.

But the ship is inevitably sinking. He can feel it. With every creak of the metal and with all of the people shouting around him-a little girl just lost her grip and fell into the darkness-they’re all going down. It’s just a matter of sooner or later, but Kyuhyun never really thought he’d die like this-

Oh. He’s going to die.

The real terror makes him go numb and he nearly lets go when the ship jolts dangerously. Sungmin’s feet dangle precariously in his peripheral vision, and Kyuhyun has to close his eyes for a moment.

When he opens his eyes again, Zhou Mi’s gone.

Kyuhyun only gets to panic for one moment-and one moment only-before the ship begins to descend at an even faster pace than before. Everyone’s screaming and shouting and he can’t differentiate one person’s voice from the next, and-oh God that water is cold, it’s really fucking cold-

It takes him a little longer than it should for him to realize that he actually let go. His body screams in pain as he kicks himself to the surface, gasping for air. His limbs feel heavy. He can’t move them.

It’s okay. Keep calm. He just has to keep moving-it isn’t as bad as he thinks it is. It doesn’t even hurt that much.

Kyuhyun tries to search for Zhou Mi, but in the darkness, he can’t see anything beyond a two foot-radius around him. He gnaws his bottom lip in worry, remembering that Zhou Mi can’t quite swim as well as he should.

There are people in the water with him. Most of them are treading water, waiting to be saved, and Kyuhyun is glad to see that so many people are okay-until he realizes that they’re not actually treading water. They’re floating-because they’ve turned into blocks of ice. He bumps into something and turns around, seeing a mother holding her child to her bosom. Both are dead.

He begins to feel cold for a completely different reason.

“Kyuhyun?” Sungmin touches his shoulder, but he doesn’t feel it. “There’s a lifeboat over there. Let’s go, before we both freeze to death.”

“Where’s Siwon?” His teeth are chattering so hard that they’re all he can hear.

“Looking for survivors. Don’t worry, he’ll be fine. He’s the most physically built man I have ever met.”

By the time they reach the boat, they both have to be hauled up because they’ve practically lost all motor function due to the freezing water. Kyuhyun’s shivering is so intense that he might as well be seizing or something, but there is really only one thing in his mind: relief. Relief that he’s alive. That he won’t be dying anytime soon-well, that is, if he survives this hypothermia. He huffs out a heavy sigh as he leans back against Sungmin, closing his eyes. They shoot back open in the next moment.

“Where’s Zhou Mi?”

He’s met with silence as Sungmin does a scan of their boat. “I don’t see him here.”

Maybe he’s on another boat. There are several floating in the water right now, looking for more survivors. The Titanic gives a final creak before sinking completely into the water. Anyone trapped in the rooms on the lower floors would be long gone by now.

It’s quiet. It’s dark. It’s cold.

Kyuhyun holds his breath.

three months later;

“I said no,” Sungmin tells him, playing with Kyuhyun’s hand. “Both Siwon and I said no.”

“What did she say?” He suppresses his shiver when Sungmin’s fingertip traces his nails.

Sungmin sighs. “Well, at least she didn’t outright deny it anymore.” He smiles a little at Kyuhyun, and Kyuhyun can’t help but feel a little hope bubbling in his stomach. Hope that it won’t be impossible to be with the person he loves.

“I wonder if we look like that?” He follows Sungmin’s line of vision, and sees Siwon and Hankyung walking together. Their fingers barely grazing each other’s hands, pulling away-talking, laughing. I wonder if we look like we’re in love, is what Sungmin means to say, Kyuhyun thinks. Personally, he doesn’t care if they look the part, as long as they feel it. And he very much feels it.

He gets along okay, maybe. Sometimes. He still wakes up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat-just as cold as the ocean water-the images flickering behind his eyelids. He still hears Zhou Mi’s voice, asking if he wants to shower first, or what does he feel like having for dinner, and I can’t even try to change your mind? He imagines Zhou Mi across the room from him, breathing peacefully in his sleep-imagines his rumpled hair in the morning, the way he laughs when Kyuhyun’s trying not to be awkward and fails in doing so.

Thousands of people died that day. When they finally boarded the RMS Carpathia hours later, Kyuhyun searched the crowd of survivors for Zhou Mi. Sungmin and Siwon helped. They couldn’t find him.

And if they couldn’t find him then, then isn’t it safe to assume that Zhou Mi’s dead?

The thought sends shudders wracking through his body-the pain, the gaping hole that Zhou Mi made for himself in Kyuhyun’s heart over the years. Remembering how he had asked Kyuhyun to stay in bed that day, that he had a weird hunch-letting him go and spend time with Sungmin after lunch when he clearly wanted to be the one by Kyuhyun’s side. Selfless Zhou Mi, kind Zhou Mi, Zhou Mi who was always there-suddenly not there anymore. What are you supposed to do when you’re suddenly left stranded without a way to survive?

He’s pulled out of his reverie when he feels Sungmin’s mouth softening over his. Tilting his head into his touch, closing his eyes and succumbing to the warmth. This is the best he can do. He’ll get better, he’s sure-just not today. Just not now.

Sungmin pulls away, and from the way his brows furrow a bit, Kyuhyun knows that he’s noticed his eyes that are shining with tears.

“Do you miss him?”

He swallows and takes a shaking breath, trying to stop the tears from spilling over. “Yeah.”

Sungmin pulls him close, trembling imperceptibly. “Good.”



- apparently the titanic had only been sailing for four days before it sunk orz i did not know that
- honestly this was the most difficult fic i have ever written in my life so please forgive me if it’s rough in some spots ;A;