[fic] i'm still painting flowers for you, 1/2
Title: I’m Still Painting Flowers for You
Pairing: Kyuhyun/Sungmin (Siwon/Sungmin, Kyuhyun/Zhou Mi)
Genre: Romance/Angst
Rating: PG-15
Notes: The actual help_japan fic for unbroken_glass, who won my auction. :D She requested a Titanic!verse KyuMin, so here you go!
Word Count: 12,500
Summary: Titanic!verse. Mistakes are made, chances are missed. But that leaves room for better things to fall into place-even if, sometimes, it’s hard to believe.
day one.
It’s not often that you land yourself two tickets on the biggest ship to ever sail to America, but hey, Kyuhyun’s always been known to be lucky.
“I think the ocean is my new favorite thing,” he tells Zhou Mi as they’re both leaning against the railing, watching everything fly by. The wind is strong and the air is fresh, and Kyuhyun can’t remember ever feeling so free.
Zhou Mi hums. “It’s my second favorite thing, I think.”
“Then what’s your first favorite?”
He can almost hear the you hanging off the tip of Zhou Mi’s tongue, but instead, the other man shakes his head. “That’s a secret.” Kyuhyun smiles a little to himself and leans against Zhou Mi, staring out at the endless blue. This is perfect, he thinks-nothing can get better than this. They’re heading to America without planning what’ll happen when they get there, if they’re ever going to come back-and sometimes, this feeling of recklessness and adventure is okay, because he’s sharing it all with Zhou Mi.
“We’re going to earn a fortune once we get there.” He closes his eyes and breathes. “We’re going to start a new life with good-paying jobs, we’re going to be happy, and things are going to be perfect.”
“But Kyuhyun,” Zhou Mi protests, and Kyuhyun looks at him. “Things are already perfect.”
-
He doesn’t meet Sungmin under the most normal circumstances.
He’s walking along the side of the boat, intending to return to Zhou Mi on the deck after using the bathroom that it took him half an hour to find, when he hears shouting. He backtracks a few steps and peers into the window of a first class room, decorated luxuriously with beautiful wood and expensive, plush furniture. In it are two young men and one older woman-the woman is screaming at one of the men, who’s sitting in an armchair with his face buried in his hands. Kyuhyun watches them for a brief moment-the woman keeps on shouting, the man doesn’t move, and the other man is leaning against the wall with his arms crossed, brows furrowed. Thinking that it’s a shame that people are arguing when this voyage is supposed to be the best thing of everyone’s lives, Kyuhyun turns away and makes his way back to Zhou Mi.
“Where were you?” his best friend asks with a frown, and Kyuhyun tells him that this ship is inhumanely big, and did you know that there’s a barbershop on the seventh floor? Zhou Mi laughs and laces their fingers together, saying that they should get a haircut sometime before they reach America.
Kyuhyun stares at their interlinked hands, and wonders if this is what love feels like.
It had been the strangest thing, realizing that he didn’t find the bosoms of women alluring. Long eyelashes and sultry gazes are captivating, but not enough to draw him in. And yet, it was the curve of Zhou Mi’s jaw, the way he brushed his hair out of his eyes that made his breath catch in his throat.
He lets Zhou Mi hold his hand.
“What do you want to eat tonight?” he asks Kyuhyun, thumb tracing circles on his skin.
He shivers. “Everything. Let’s eat everything.”
“Eat through the entire ship’s supply?”
“All in one go.”
Zhou Mi laughs. “You’re going to get fat.”
“I need to stock up before we starve to death in America.” Kyuhyun grins impishly at him, feeling at home with his hand pressed to Zhou Mi’s.
Later, when they’re heading back to their room (Zhou Mi says he wants to shower), they pass that room again. It’s empty now, so this time, Kyuhyun’s attention is drawn to the piano on the far left side. “You go ahead,” he tells Zhou Mi. “I want to try playing that.”
Zhou Mi laughs. “I don’t even know how to play.”
“Yes I do. Just press the keys.”
His friend shrugs. “Okay. I’ll see you later, then?”
“Yeah, go ahead.” After waving goodbye to Zhou Mi, Kyuhyun walks to the door of the room. When he turns the doorknob, he’s dismayed to discover that it’s locked. Well, so much for that. He’s about to turn and follow after Zhou Mi, when he hears a voice behind him.
“That room is reserved for first class passengers only.” He turns around, and sees the man from before-the one who was being yelled at.
“Oh, sorry.” He backs away from the door, a little disappointed. “I’m only second class.”
The man shrugs. “It’s okay. My family reserved this room, so it’s technically ours. Why did you want to go in?”
“Oh, um-” He glances at the piano through the window. “I…”
“You want to play?” He laughs, and Kyuhyun thinks that it’s a stark difference from when he last saw him-head in his hands and very still, every muscle in his body tense. “I can let you in, if you want. I just have to make sure that my mother isn’t around-she doesn’t like me associating with people like you.”
Kyuhyun glances down at himself. “Well, I’m not rich like you, but I’m no street rat.”
He laughs. “I know. I’m Sungmin.” When he sticks out his hand, Kyuhyun shakes it.
“Kyuhyun.”
“Do you play piano, Kyuhyun?” Sungmin fishes for the key in his pocket and unlocks the door, letting him in.
“No, but I’d like to.” He heads straight for the instrument. It’s sleek and shiny and just emanates the air of luxury that Kyuhyun can only wish he has. “Do you play?”
“A little.” Sungmin sits at the piano bench, and plays something. It’s probably something simple, but to Kyuhyun, he sounds like a prodigy. “I’ve had to learn since I was a child, so I suppose it’s become second nature now. Do you want to learn a bit?”
“Will I have to pay you?” Kyuhyun asks, and Sungmin laughs.
“Free of charge. Here, sit.” He scoots over on the bench, and Kyuhyun sits down beside him. “So the musical alphabet is a lot like our own alphabet, but it only goes from A to G…”
Kyuhyun spends the next hour or so learning the piano. Sungmin makes it sound terribly easy-like anyone can learn it, not only those with money. Usually, music is reserved for those who can afford it-those who are sophisticated and high class. Although Kyuhyun is not searching through garbage cans for food, he is none of those things-and he likes the feeling of being able to accomplish something with such ease.
They’re in the middle of learning the concept of key signatures when the door opens again. Kyuhyun looks up and sees the other man from before-the one who was leaning against the wall with crossed arms.
“Oh, Siwon.” Sungmin stands up, smiling. “I thought you were having tea with Mother.”
The man-Siwon-frowns. “She’s upset and said she’d like to sleep.” He glances at Kyuhyun. “This is…?”
“Oh, this is Kyuhyun.” Sungmin steps around the piano to talk to him properly, and Kyuhyun follows suit, feeling uncomfortable in Siwon’s presence. He’s tall and handsome, dressed impeccably, and although he’s not, Kyuhyun feels exactly like a street rat in front of him. “He said he wanted to play the piano, so I thought I’d teach him a little.”
Siwon’s eyes scan Kyuhyun once. “You should spend your time doing…better things.”
“You know, that’s the problem with you,” Sungmin chastises. “All of you, actually. You judge on first appearance. Kyuhyun’s actually really smart-he picked up on things rather quickly.”
Siwon is quiet, and Kyuhyun hastily says, “I don’t think I should intrude,” before heading towards the door. “It’s been nice, Sungmin. Thanks for teaching me.” He smiles tightly at Sungmin, and Sungmin only waves at him, eyes surprised. Siwon nods formally at him when he passes, and once Kyuhyun is out of the room, he releases a breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding.
He’d like to come back again later, when Siwon isn’t around.
-
Kyuhyun tells Zhou Mi about Sungmin over dinner-how he saw him earlier that day, being scolded-how he taught him a little bit of piano, and how he thoroughly enjoyed it. He tells Zhou Mi about how Sungmin makes it incredibly easy, and even a thickhead like Zhou Mi should be able to learn if he tried. Zhou Mi just laughs, saying that maybe he should meet Sungmin sometime.
That night, when his best friend is asleep in the bed across from him in the small room, Kyuhyun stares through the dark at the ceiling. He’s not used to living on a ship, and he can feel every rise and fall of the waves, and his stomach moving along with it. After a particularly strong wave, he decides to go out and get some fresh air before he forces Zhou Mi to wake up to the nauseating scent of his vomit.
It’s cold up on deck. The wind is strong and no one is here, and Kyuhyun wraps his jacket tighter around himself, even though it doesn’t do him much good. It’s refreshing up here, though, so he walks along the edge of the ship, staring out at the black waves.
He finds Sungmin near the tip of the ship, leaning against the railing and eyes fixated on something that’s beyond what’s right in front of them. “Nice seeing you again,” Kyuhyun calls loudly above the wind. Sungmin turns and sees him-hair disheveled from said wind-and smiles.
“It is nice,” he replies when Kyuhyun makes a spot beside him, staring out at the ocean. “Sorry about earlier. Siwon was being…Siwon.”
“It’s fine. Is he a friend of yours? He didn’t seem to like me very much.”
“It’s not that he didn’t like you. He likes to…look out for me, I suppose.” Sungmin sighs. “He’s my friend, I guess. But, um…I’ll be marrying him soon. He’s my fiancé.”
Kyuhyun’s eyebrows shoot up. “Really?”
“Yeah.” Sungmin grins wryly. “Does that surprise you?”
“A little,” he admits. “But not as much as it should.” Actually, it makes him feel a little giddy, although he isn’t sure why. “Why are you going to America?”
“Some family matters.” He’s quiet for a moment. “We’re discussing moving there permanently, though. I’m not sure how I feel about it.” Kyuhyun looks over at Sungmin, and sees the same man from that afternoon-the one being yelled at, the one who was upset. He almost wants to ask him what’s wrong, but decides that it would be inappropriate. Sungmin turns and their eyes meet, and Kyuhyun’s heart skips a beat. “Why are you going to America?” He’s smiling again, as if nothing’s wrong. People can do that really easily, Kyuhyun realizes-acting as though all is right with the world. He’s done it on several occasions himself.
“Honestly? I don’t know.” He shrugs. “My friend and I landed two tickets, so we thought, why not? We don’t have anything worth staying for, and things might even be better over there. We’re just taking a leap of faith.” He smiles wryly. “We don’t quite have solid plans laid out like you.”
“That’s enviable,” Sungmin sighs. “There are times when I wish I could just go wherever I want-but then again, that’s not uncommon for people like me. We always feel oppressed sometimes.”
“Is it hard, living a life like that?”
“Sometimes,” he admits. “I try not to complain, though, because freedom is a small thing to sacrifice for fortune and stability.”
Kyuhyun wants to say that freedom is a huge thing to sacrifice for just fortune and stability. Freedom is his life-following where the current takes him. He’s not like a lot of people, going without a plan-he does head in a general direction, but he leaves room for compromise and unexpected things to happen. This way, he won’t completely hit a dead end, but things still remain interesting.
He doesn’t want to give Sungmin a life lesson, though, so instead, he asks, “Will you teach me more piano tomorrow?”
He smiles. “Sure. When will you be free?”
“How about four o’clock?”
Sungmin’s smile grows into a grin. “Right in the middle of teatime. Perfect. Now I have a reason to get out of it.”
“Can I bring my friend? He wants to learn, too.”
“Sure.” He laughs. “I might have to start charging you guys, though.”
“Getting out of teatime is your payment.”
That night, Kyuhyun falls asleep to the sound of Sungmin’s laughter. His sleepy mind and bad memory makes it sound like a pleasant tinkle, easily lulling him to sleep.
day two.
He enters the room alone the next day, because Zhou Mi said that he wanted to look around the gift shops before joining them. Sungmin is already at the piano when he arrives, and he closes the door behind him and heads straight towards him.
“I’m sorry I’m interrupting your teatime,” he says jokingly, and Sungmin looks up from his music.
“Yes, you’re going to have to make up for that,” he says seriously, moving over on the piano bench so Kyuhyun can sit down. “Let’s pick up from where we left off yesterday?”
Kyuhyun learns about key signatures, about sharps and flats, crescendos and diminuendos. Sungmin explains it like the symbols are his first language-staccato and marcato, legato and bel canto. There’s something about the way his voice curls around the words, like the fantasy of a faraway place-Italy, Sungmin had said-and Kyuhyun has never found music to be so romantic.
“You have nice fingers,” Sungmin observes when Kyuhyun starts trying to play with both hands at the same time. “But you need to curve them more. There’s no way you can maneuver them fast enough if they’re stretched out like that.” He reaches out and fixes his hand position-“Also, make sure to sit up straight; you hunch over a lot”-and Kyuhyun feels a pressure at the small of his back and is it just him or is he getting lightheaded? He sights up straight, back rigid, and he hears Sungmin’s laughter tinkling in his ears again. “I’ve never seen someone as eager as you to learn piano.”
“I don’t get many chances to indulge in luxury,” he replies, perhaps a little stiffly.
Sungmin smiles. “Let’s take a break? We’ve been at this for a little over an hour now. I can’t really teach you any more if you don’t get a chance to practice.”
For the next little while, they just talk-learning more about each other. Sungmin tells Kyuhyun that he really enjoys red wine, and he would’ve been a piano teacher, if his mother weren’t so against it. It’s a little later that Zhou Mi knocks on the door, and Kyuhyun welcomes him with a bright smile, before introducing him to Sungmin. Sungmin teaches him for a while-the things that Kyuhyun had learnt the day before-and Kyuhyun watches them, leaning against the wall. Zhou Mi doesn’t pick things up as fast as Kyuhyun does (he never has), but Sungmin is patient-terribly patient, Kyuhyun thinks. It might be a flaw of his-to endure and endure, ignoring what you want and doing as others order him to. That’s an unbearably sad life.
They’re interrupted again by Siwon, who doesn’t seem surprised to see them this time. “Teatime is over,” he announces, and Zhou Mi jumps a little in his seat. Siwon nods at Kyuhyun in greeting, eyes hard, and Kyuhyun swallows the lump in his throat, nodding back. “Hello, Kyuhyun.”
“Hi.” He straightens up, and tries to smooth out the wrinkles in his shirt, although that turns out to be a fruitless effort. Zhou Mi sidles up beside Kyuhyun to use him as some sort of shield, and Sungmin greets Siwon with a pat on his shoulder. “How are you?”
“Fine.” Siwon doesn’t look menacing today, but he doesn’t smile all the same. “Is this your friend?”
“Oh. I’m Zhou Mi.” His friend introduces himself, sticking a hand out. Siwon takes it without much thought. “Nice to meet you. You’re Sungmin’s friend?”
“Fiancé,” Siwon corrects without a moment’s hesitation.
Zhou Mi’s taken aback for a moment. “Oh. Congratulations, then.”
The other man nods. “Thank you.” Turning to Sungmin, he says, “Shall we go? Your mother has been saying that she hasn’t seen you since this morning.”
Sungmin wrinkles his nose. “That would probably be the reason why I don’t want to see her, but fine, let’s go. I wouldn’t want to give her more reasons to keep me locked up.” Siwon smiles, faintly-the first time Kyuhyun’s ever seen him do it-before turning and opening the door for him. Sungmin waves to Kyuhyun and Zhou Mi.
“You guys can practice here if you want! Tomorrow again, at the same time?”
Kyuhyun sees him off with a smile, with anticipation for the next day, and when the door closes behind Sungmin and Siwon, his smile grows into a full out grin, silly and breathless and suddenly he’s laughing like he hasn’t laughed in a long time.
Zhou Mi kneels down after he crumples onto the floor, curling into himself and laughing so hard. “Um, are you okay?”
“Doesn’t Siwon look like a bodyguard? Like he could beat you up to a pulp in just seconds?”
His friend pauses. “Is that supposed to be funny?”
“It’s just ridiculous.” Kyuhyun sits up, breathing in deeply to calm himself down. “Does Sungmin look like the type of guy who’d marry Siwon? Or the other way around?”
Zhou Mi shrugs. “Do we look like the type who’d be best friends?”
“We’re polar opposites. Therefore, we attract to each other like magnets. It’s logical.”
“Right.” Zhou Mi helps Kyuhyun to his feet, and they go to sit at the piano. “Did he teach you more than he what he taught me?”
“Yeah. We were talking about triplets when you came.”
“Like, children?”
Kyuhyun laughs. “No, musical triplets. If they’re eighth notes triplets, then they’re just like eighth notes, except instead of fitting two into one beat, you fit three.” He tries to explain, but he isn’t sure if he makes as much sense as Sungmin. “I don’t know, maybe you should wait until he teaches you tomorrow.”
Humming, Zhou Mi leans into Kyuhyun. “You like him!” he teases, and the thought dawns onto Kyuhyun-because he’s never really thought about it.
“Yeah,” he admits, feeling his heart flutter. “Yeah, I think I do.”
The other man is silent for a moment. “Well, he is kind of charming.” He glances at Kyuhyun. “Except for the fact that he’s engaged.”
Kyuhyun waves it off. “Love knows no boundaries.”
“What about me?” Zhou Mi’s voice is light, but with the way his hand sneaks up and covers Kyuhyun’s is enough of a hint. The skin on skin is familiar-it reminds him of nights sharing one motel room for the sake of saving money-of looking for jobs together, only taking the jobs if both of them are hired. They used to be attached at the hip-and they still are, Kyuhyun reasons-but strangely enough, the need to constantly be around Zhou Mi has lessened. Kyuhyun isn’t stupid-he knows why.
He turns to Zhou Mi, and although his best friend is smiling-it’s just a joke, Kuixian, no need to be so defensive about it-he can detect the uncertainty in his eyes. “I love you too,” he says with ease. “I’ve always loved you.”
The tension in Zhou Mi’s shoulders relaxes imperceptibly. “Good,” he says with a huff. “You’d better.”
The subject is dropped after that, but it still lingers in Kyuhyun’s mind as Zhou Mi tells him about the other things he had discovered on the ship earlier, when he was with Sungmin. He’s only half listening, and he’s sure Zhou Mi notices-but it happens so often that it can be overlooked. Kyuhyun tunes Zhou Mi out a lot, and it’s become part of their friendship-Zhou Mi blabbers, Kyuhyun listens-day after day, in one ear, out the other.
Kyuhyun thinks about how he hangs onto every single word Sungmin says.
-
He spends the rest of the day with Zhou Mi-they check out the billiards room, and Kyuhyun laughs as Zhou Mi tries to hit the ball with the long stick, using his even longer arms. Zhou Mi has always been a little awkward that way-tripping over his own two feet, making flailing movements with his arms. It’s a charm, Kyuhyun has decided-and only Zhou Mi can pull it off.
They don’t return to their room until after midnight, having spent a long time just staring out at the ocean together on the deck. Half of the time, Kyuhyun was wondering if Sungmin was out there too, just like the night before, somewhere on the opposite side of the ship. So he waits for Zhou Mi to fall asleep, before he quietly tiptoes out of the room and softly shutting the door behind him.
This time, though, when Kyuhyun finds him, he is clearly upset.
The other man sees him, and his tense shoulders relax imperceptibly. “Do you know what my mother told me?” he asks, and before he gives Kyuhyun a chance to answer, he continues. “That I shouldn’t be spending time with people like you. What does that mean? People like you. If it’s the obvious difference in wealth, I would understand, but sometimes, how narrow-minded she is really sends me to the ends of my patience.” His brows are knitted together in frustration, and Kyuhyun wonders if he should say something. “I know I shouldn’t complain about a life like this, but-” He stops, clamping his lips shut. “Sorry.”
“No, don’t be. You have the right to complain. Everyone has troubles, rich or not.” He wants to touch Sungmin’s shoulder-just to let him know of his presence. It’s a little weird, so he ignores the twitch in his hand. “What is it that your mother thinks of me?”
“That you’re a bad influence-you have no table manners and are planting all the wrong ideas in my head.”
Kyuhyun frowns. “Well, I don’t know which fork I should eat my food with, but I don’t slobber all over the table, if that’s what she means. But”-and he can’t help but grin at this part-“I might be planting bad ideas in your head.”
“Like what?”
“Like how there’s more to life than this. Than what you have. That you can be born into a sophisticated family and still be crazy sometimes.”
Sungmin shrugs. “I’ve always known that, though.” He pauses. “Oh, and you know what else? I don’t think Siwon even loves me.”
Pause. “I see.”
“Yeah. We have a close family friend-his name is Hankyung. Siwon met him through us, and after our engagement, I’m pretty sure they started having a thing for each other. I mean, not that they’ve ever done anything about that-neither of them are that kind of people. But sometimes, the glances they shoot at each other over the dinner table are so obvious that they make me want to gag.”
Kyuhyun’s never been through something like that, but it sounds awful. “Do you…love him?” he cautions. “Siwon, I mean.”
Sungmin looks at him then, and he has the saddest smile that Kyuhyun has ever seen. “I used to.”
(And the words echo something deep in Kyuhyun’s heart-it reminds him of long limbs, of one night of forgotten boundaries and sloppy kisses-of heat and fire and everything he ever wanted-)
“I-” He isn’t sure what to say. “I’m sorry.”
“Have you ever loved someone?” Sungmin asks. It should be a question far too personal for people who’ve only known each other for two days, but it feels normal-it feels like something they should talk about.
“I think so,” he says. He sees Zhou Mi’s face in his mind-his bright smile, his quiet voice when he sings, thinking that Kyuhyun isn’t listening. He’s been with Zhou Mi for as long as he remembers-they’ve been through everything together. It’s hard not to love someone who’s always picked you up when you fell down.
“Do you still love him?”
He looks at Sungmin-his large eyes and his windswept hair. His mind is a jumble of thoughts when he says, “I’m not sure.”
“Oh.” Sungmin looks out towards the ocean again, and unless it’s Kyuhyun’s imagination, he looks a little disappointed. “I’m not hurt by Siwon loving someone else-I just wish that either of us had a say in this marriage. We don’t want it, but we can’t stop it-and I know Siwon will never have an affair. That’s just not what he does. He’s respectable and kind and he-he’s so good to me, but I can’t breathe when I’m with him.” Kyuhyun sees the way Sungmin’s fingers clench around the railing until his knuckles are white. He sees Sungmin and he sees Zhou Mi-remembers his palm pressing against Zhou Mi’s, remembers his quiet breathing when he sleeps. He remembers frustration and anger and walking away from what might’ve been his happiness.
For some reason, to Kyuhyun, when Sungmin talks, he sounds like someone who’s desperately crying for help.
“You can breathe with me,” he tells him. “I’ll let you breathe.”
Sungmin smiles weakly. “Really?”
“Really.”
Kyuhyun kisses him. Sungmin lets him.
day three.
He knows Zhou Mi wakes up to an empty room the next morning, because he spent all night with Sungmin. Sungmin insisted on staying out on the deck, despite the cold wind, and by the time the sun began to peek over the horizon, Kyuhyun had lost all feeling in his nose, ears, and fingers.
Sometime during those dark hours, Kyuhyun has found meaning in Sungmin’s fingers interlacing with his. His hand is different from Zhou Mi’s-his fingers not as long, hands cold instead of warm-but everyone is different, and Kyuhyun responds to Sungmin differently than he responds to Zhou Mi. Sungmin is all smiles and laughter throughout the night, jokes and childhood stories, and Kyuhyun tells him a little about his life, too-of picking up weird jobs for low pay, and traveling here and there, not quite remembering the meaning of the word home. Jokingly, Sungmin told him that he can be his home, and although Kyuhyun laughed it off, he thinks that it’s a very nice suggestion, and would like to hold him to that.
When morning comes, Sungmin is quieter, his grip on Kyuhyun’s fingers looser. Kyuhyun leans in for a kiss-the nth one since their first-and Sungmin sighs against his mouth, and Kyuhyun thinks that he can get used to this.
“I should get back,” Sungmin murmurs, pulling away, hand falling out of Kyuhyun’s. “Before I make things worse for myself.”
Kyuhyun wants to shake his head, wants to say no-to tell him to stay, to break the rules for once, to have some fun-but he knows that Sungmin wouldn’t do that, and even if he did, it would be on his conscience-so he lets him go, with one last kiss lingering in his lips. It feels like his heart is beating with renewed life, even though he’s exhausted from the lack of sleep. He trudges back to his room and crawls into bed, ignoring Zhou Mi when he hears his sheets rustle, asking him where he’s been.
“You were gone,” he hears a few moments later, feeling Zhou Mi crawl into bed beside him. This isn’t uncommon, so he shuffles over to make some room for him. “Where were you?”
“Mm,” he mumbles, suddenly tired. “Out.”
“Where?” Zhou Mi snuggles up against Kyuhyun’s back, nuzzling his hair. “With Sungmin?”
“Yeah…”
“All night? What were you guys doing?”
“Enough to make me want to sleep for the next twelve hours…” He curls up into a ball and presses back against Zhou Mi, feeling his warmth. “He’s a good kisser, Mi.”
There might’ve been a brief pause between then and what Zhou Mi says next, but Kyuhyun’s drifting off to sleep now, so he isn’t sure. “Better than me?”
A faint smile reaches his lips. “Did you forget how you almost bit through my bottom lip?”
“I thought we agreed that we tripped.”
But Kyuhyun’s already asleep.
-
The next time he opens his eyes, Zhou Mi’s warmth is gone, but the blankets are lovingly tucked around him. He rolls onto his back and stretches, feeling refreshed and ready to take on the world.
“You’re awake,” he hears Zhou Mi say, and he lifts his head to see his best friend step out of the bathroom. “Did you sleep well?”
“Mm,” he hums, sitting up. “What time is it?”
“Nearing noon. Hungry?”
He grins. “Always.”
So he gets ready, and he and Zhou Mi head out to find some food. Kyuhyun really wishes he could eat through the entire ship’s supply, because everything is just so good-and if he had the room in his stomach, he would definitely devour it all.
“So what were you doing last night?” Zhou Mi asks once they have food in front of them and Kyuhyun is happily stuffing his face.
“Just talking,” he replies honestly. “Getting to know each other more, I guess.” He remembers last night clearly-the feel of Sungmin’s mouth underneath his, warm and pliant and possibly the most perfect thing he has ever experienced. Sungmin is captivating in every aspect-in his self-restraint, in his patience, in how his voice sounds squeaky and like a timid little mouse, when Kyuhyun knows he’s exactly the opposite.
Zhou Mi cuts his boiled egg in half with his fork with a little more force than necessary. “Even though this trip was supposed to be for the two of us,” he mutters grudgingly.
“Jealous?” Kyuhyun taunts, and when Zhou Mi looks up, he’s pretty sure he’s crossed the line.
“Kind of,” he admits, before returning to his food.
Oh, Kyuhyun thinks. Oh.
He didn’t think he was that serious when-when-
Oh.
-
He makes it a point to avoid Zhou Mi by looking for Sungmin-up on the dock, in the room with the piano-but he’s nowhere to be found. There’s still an hour or two before teatime, and he isn’t sure what Sungmin does during the rest of the day, so Kyuhyun decides to return to his room to take a nap. Or mull things over. But mostly take a nap.
Clearly, someone else had the same idea.
Zhou Mi is rearranging his clothes (as he often does when he’s troubled or stressed-he says it clears his mind) when Kyuhyun walks in, and they look at each other for a moment, before Zhou Mi manages a smile. “Hey.”
“Hey.” Kyuhyun sits on his bed, remembering the flash of hurt in Zhou Mi’s eyes at that very moment. He knows Zhou Mi has a thing for him-they’ve always had a thing for each other-but really, for it to mean so much-there were times when Kyuhyun thought that this is it, Zhou Mi’s the one, he can spend the rest of his life with him and he’ll never need anyone else-but to have that reciprocated is just-
This time, he really needs to commend himself for his stupidity.
“Remember that one time we-” Zhou Mi stops, almost as if choking on himself. “And I nearly bit through your bottom lip? And then I said-and I pretended not to remember the next morning…”
Kyuhyun blinks. “You mean when you said…” When you said you loved me.
“It was so easy to blame it on the alcohol, because you could always hold better than me…”
“Why did you pretend to forget?”
“Because of the look on your face! You looked like I kicked your puppy, or something! You looked-you looked repulsed, Kyuhyun.” Zhou Mi folds his clothes with new determination.
Kyuhyun remembers that night well-he remembers because he thinks about it all the time. They were celebrating their new jobs, and bought some wine to drink at home. With Kyuhyun’s help, they emptied the bottle easily, and in their excitement, mouths met and teeth clacked. They both wanted it, and they knew that-they’d felt the tension for months-years, maybe, but Kyuhyun wasn’t sure, because one tended to lose track of time when the days blurred together. But despite the alcohol, Kyuhyun was completely lucid-remembering the curve of Zhou Mi’s hipbone, the hot, hot heat-even today, Zhou Mi’s moans still echo in Kyuhyun’s ears. He’s sure they’ll haunt him forever.
But maybe what he remembers most are the words that spilled out of Zhou Mi’s mouth just before he came. Kyuhyun can’t remember them exactly, but they were something along the lines of God, Kyu, don’t stop, Kyuhyun, Kuixian, oh my God, I love you, I love you so much-
Kyuhyun supposes he made some sort of face that expressed that he didn’t like it.
(Honestly? He wasn’t thinking much of it, because he pretty much came right then.)
That never happened again. Kyuhyun guesses he knows why now.
“I wasn’t repulsed,” he says, kicking off his shoes and crawling underneath the covers. “I was busy coming, but whatever.”
“You have a terrible orgasm face, then.”
“Thanks.” He buries his face into his pillowing, wondering if that’s what stopped everything-if that one moment made Zhou Mi decide that he should pretend nothing happened. Kyuhyun never really thought much of it-because he knew that he’d always have Zhou Mi. He wasn’t in a rush. He still isn’t. (Or maybe, he doesn’t see Zhou Mi that way anymore.)
“Isn’t it teatime soon?” Zhou Mi asks nonchalantly a little while later, when Kyuhyun’s drifting in and out of sleep.
“I’ll go in a bit,” he mumbles, seeing Sungmin’s face in his mind. Feeling the ghost of Zhou Mi’s hands on his hips.
He does go in a bit. He mumbles a goodbye to Zhou Mi, who says he won’t be going today-slips on his shoes, and disappears out the door.
-
“Where’s Zhou Mi?” Sungmin asks when Kyuhyun closes the door behind him.
“He said he’s not coming,” he replies. “I think he’s upset.”
“About what?”
“I don’t know,” Kyuhyun lies, stepping closer to Sungmin who’s standing by the piano. That roughly translates into I don’t care, and Sungmin clearly gets the general gist of it, because he easily leans into his mouth when he tilts his head accordingly.
“Close the blinds first. And lock the door.”
There is something desperate writhing in the pit of Kyuhyun’s stomach-reaching out to Sungmin and wrapping around his neck like a noose that could tighten at any moment. He can’t exactly pinpoint it, but he supposes it has to do with just realizing that he and Zhou Mi could’ve been. It’s a frustration he’s never known before-to know that you could’ve had your happiness, had you reached out-
But Zhou Mi’s too far gone now, and all Kyuhyun can see, think, and feel, is Sungmin.
Sungmin’s lips part wider, and their tongues sweep across each other. A shudder wracks through Kyuhyun’s body, and he presses himself closer to Sungmin, but not feeling his warmth because of his thick suit. His hands slide from Sungmin’s hips, up his torso, across his chest, until he’s threading his fingers through his hair. Their breaths are hot on each other’s lips, and this, Kyuhyun thinks-this might be even better than Zhou Mi. And it’s not the fact that Sungmin isn’t biting through his bottom lip-there’s a headiness to this, a need-with Zhou Mi, Kyuhyun has always felt unrushed, felt like there’s all the time in the world-but right now, Kyuhyun doesn’t even care how much time he has with Sungmin-he just needs as much of him as he can get, as soon as possible, time be damned.
He rolls his hips against Sungmin’s, and they pull apart from each other, breathing heavily. Sungmin has an iron grip on Kyuhyun’s waist, so tight it’s almost unnatural. Kyuhyun rolls his hips again, and Sungmin holds back a moan.
“Don’t,” he gasps. “Stop.”
“Why?” he asks, kissing him again. He can clearly feel Sungmin’s erection against his thigh.
He can tell that Sungmin’s doing his best to calm down-taking deep breaths, growing less responsive to Kyuhyun’s advances. Kyuhyun mentally pauses-to do as asked, or keep on going?-before he carefully pulls away from Sungmin. His pants feel uncomfortable and he’s too warm, and Sungmin’s cheeks are flushed.
“Sorry,” Sungmin mutters, looking away. “Just-guilt, you know. The sense of obligation. I shouldn’t be doing any of this.”
Kyuhyun nods, although he doesn’t really understand. “Right. Of course.”
“But I”-and Kyuhyun can’t quite comprehend the look in Sungmin’s eyes. Maybe it’s a mix of guilt and desire and everything he’s never thought of, on the brink of a brave new world-“I want this. Don’t think I don’t.”
“Okay.” (He still doesn’t understand.)
Sungmin takes a deep breath, and leans back against the piano, closing his eyes. In, out, in, out. Calm. Kyuhyun finds it fascinating how Sungmin can control himself like that.
The air hovers over them, heavy. Kyuhyun’s still hard.
Sungmin leans forward and kisses him once-soft lips, soft intentions. “Maybe I’ll see if I can sort this out,” he says-a half-promise. “I really-I really want this.”
“Yeah,” Kyuhyun murmurs against Sungmin’s mouth. “Me too.”
But something doesn’t quite feel right-making Sungmin tear his entire life apart for him. Kyuhyun’s not rich, and he doesn’t follow a set path like Sungmin does-but this, he thinks he understands.
-
He contemplates whether or not he should sleep somewhere else that night. He and Zhou Mi didn’t separate earlier on good terms, and he isn’t sure if he should go back and face him again.
(But he does go back. Because even though they’ve had arguments, had disagreements, they’ve always gone back to each other. Zhou Mi is too precious to Kyuhyun to throw away due to some tension in their friendship and too much pride. They’re more than that. Kyuhyun wants to believe that they’re more than that.)
Zhou Mi is showering when he returns, and he kicks off his shoes and crawls into his best friend’s bed. Inhales his scent in the pillow. He could’ve woken up to this scent every morning-but instead, he wakes up with Zhou Mi on the other side of the room.
There’s always going to be that line that they’ll never be able to cross.
(And maybe-maybe, he doesn’t want to cross it anymore.)
He hears Zhou Mi come out of the bathroom, but Kyuhyun’s too busy with his face buried in his pillow, so he doesn’t look up. Zhou Mi smells good. Zhou Mi smells like home.
“How was your day?” Zhou Mi asks, and Kyuhyun rolls over onto his back so he can see him. Zhou Mi’s wearing some loose-fitting clothes and toweling his hair dry-as if nothing’s wrong, and Kyuhyun just got home from his shift at his most recent job. Maybe nothing is wrong. Maybe Kyuhyun’s just over-thinking everything.
“Okay,” he replies, thinking about how Sungmin pushed him away. “Could’ve been better, but okay.”
Zhou Mi laughs. “Weird, how we landed the tickets onto this ship together, but we don’t really spend any time together at all.”
“What did you do today?”
He shrugs. “This and that. Talked to some people. You know how I am with people.”
“Yeah, I do know.” Zhou Mi’s good with people. He’s talkative where Kyuhyun is quiet, smiles when Kyuhyun frowns, dispels the tension when Kyuhyun is awkward. “Sorry. I’ll spend time with you tomorrow.”
Zhou Mi tosses his towel to the side and crawls into bed with Kyuhyun. “I’ll hold you do that.” Kyuhyun shifts to make some room for him, and they both lay there for a while, staring at the ceiling, quiet. Silence with Zhou Mi has always been comfortable. Generally speaking, Zhou Mi is always comfortable. Kyuhyun wonders what it is that Zhou Mi likes about him. What is it that Sungmin likes about him.
“You’ve over it, right?” he says. “Like, me. And my bad orgasm face.”
Pause. “Sort of, I guess.”
“Sort of?”
“I’ve never really got over you, to be honest.”
“When did it start?”
It’s just now that Kyuhyun realizes how much of Zhou Mi he might not actually know. “Long before that happened,” he says. “I don’t know. It was gradual.”
“Oh,” Kyuhyun says dumbly. “It was…gradual for me too.” So gradual that I didn’t even realize it.
“Do you still…?”
“Hm?” He turns to look at Zhou Mi, who’s staring at him earnestly. “I’m not sure…I don’t think so?" He sees nothing in Zhou Mi’s face-no disappointment, no hope-just a blank slate, and Kyuhyun wonders if he’s supposed to draw all over it.
Zhou Mi shifts so he’s lying on his side, and he reaches out, his fingers ghosting across Kyuhyun’s cheek. Kyuhyun watches him. (The line-he can see the line, and it’s fast approaching.) “You’re not sure,” he repeats, and Kyuhyun nods. “Does that mean that I have a chance to change your mind?”
The no slips from his lips too quickly, and it makes him wonder how deep he’s fallen with Sungmin. Kyuhyun watches as Zhou Mi moves closer; he can smell the shampoo in his hair, the scent that is distinctly Zhou Mi and so comforting and so perfect, and maybe the line is blurred, just a little-the line that says you cannot touch me like this, you cannot make my heart jump like this-but it’s all about making decisions, and Kyuhyun has already made his.
Zhou Mi’s mouth is soft and warm, just like Kyuhyun remembers it, but it’s stale and not quite right. “Don’t,” he says, pulling away. Zhou Mi looks at him and suddenly Kyuhyun sees it all-every crack in his heart, every word of adoration he’s bitten back. He sees it all and suddenly it hurts like nothing he’s ever known.
“I can’t even try to change your mind?” Zhou Mi whispers, and Kyuhyun spots a few unshed tears, too.
“I-” Kyuhyun swallows. “We missed our chance, okay? We missed our chance.” They stare at each other, laying side by side in bed, hearts beating, heartstrings hopelessly tangled-but while Zhou Mi is carefully undoing the knots, Kyuhyun is cutting them off with the sharpest pair of scissors in hand.
Zhou Mi looks like he’s about to fall apart, and Kyuhyun pulls him close-kisses him once, soft and gentle and the most loving apology and goodbye he can muster-and pulls him close, letting Zhou Mi bury his face into his neck. Kyuhyun can only wonder how so many things can disappear in just a heartbeat.
part i | part ii
Pairing: Kyuhyun/Sungmin (Siwon/Sungmin, Kyuhyun/Zhou Mi)
Genre: Romance/Angst
Rating: PG-15
Notes: The actual help_japan fic for unbroken_glass, who won my auction. :D She requested a Titanic!verse KyuMin, so here you go!
Word Count: 12,500
Summary: Titanic!verse. Mistakes are made, chances are missed. But that leaves room for better things to fall into place-even if, sometimes, it’s hard to believe.
day one.
It’s not often that you land yourself two tickets on the biggest ship to ever sail to America, but hey, Kyuhyun’s always been known to be lucky.
“I think the ocean is my new favorite thing,” he tells Zhou Mi as they’re both leaning against the railing, watching everything fly by. The wind is strong and the air is fresh, and Kyuhyun can’t remember ever feeling so free.
Zhou Mi hums. “It’s my second favorite thing, I think.”
“Then what’s your first favorite?”
He can almost hear the you hanging off the tip of Zhou Mi’s tongue, but instead, the other man shakes his head. “That’s a secret.” Kyuhyun smiles a little to himself and leans against Zhou Mi, staring out at the endless blue. This is perfect, he thinks-nothing can get better than this. They’re heading to America without planning what’ll happen when they get there, if they’re ever going to come back-and sometimes, this feeling of recklessness and adventure is okay, because he’s sharing it all with Zhou Mi.
“We’re going to earn a fortune once we get there.” He closes his eyes and breathes. “We’re going to start a new life with good-paying jobs, we’re going to be happy, and things are going to be perfect.”
“But Kyuhyun,” Zhou Mi protests, and Kyuhyun looks at him. “Things are already perfect.”
-
He doesn’t meet Sungmin under the most normal circumstances.
He’s walking along the side of the boat, intending to return to Zhou Mi on the deck after using the bathroom that it took him half an hour to find, when he hears shouting. He backtracks a few steps and peers into the window of a first class room, decorated luxuriously with beautiful wood and expensive, plush furniture. In it are two young men and one older woman-the woman is screaming at one of the men, who’s sitting in an armchair with his face buried in his hands. Kyuhyun watches them for a brief moment-the woman keeps on shouting, the man doesn’t move, and the other man is leaning against the wall with his arms crossed, brows furrowed. Thinking that it’s a shame that people are arguing when this voyage is supposed to be the best thing of everyone’s lives, Kyuhyun turns away and makes his way back to Zhou Mi.
“Where were you?” his best friend asks with a frown, and Kyuhyun tells him that this ship is inhumanely big, and did you know that there’s a barbershop on the seventh floor? Zhou Mi laughs and laces their fingers together, saying that they should get a haircut sometime before they reach America.
Kyuhyun stares at their interlinked hands, and wonders if this is what love feels like.
It had been the strangest thing, realizing that he didn’t find the bosoms of women alluring. Long eyelashes and sultry gazes are captivating, but not enough to draw him in. And yet, it was the curve of Zhou Mi’s jaw, the way he brushed his hair out of his eyes that made his breath catch in his throat.
He lets Zhou Mi hold his hand.
“What do you want to eat tonight?” he asks Kyuhyun, thumb tracing circles on his skin.
He shivers. “Everything. Let’s eat everything.”
“Eat through the entire ship’s supply?”
“All in one go.”
Zhou Mi laughs. “You’re going to get fat.”
“I need to stock up before we starve to death in America.” Kyuhyun grins impishly at him, feeling at home with his hand pressed to Zhou Mi’s.
Later, when they’re heading back to their room (Zhou Mi says he wants to shower), they pass that room again. It’s empty now, so this time, Kyuhyun’s attention is drawn to the piano on the far left side. “You go ahead,” he tells Zhou Mi. “I want to try playing that.”
Zhou Mi laughs. “I don’t even know how to play.”
“Yes I do. Just press the keys.”
His friend shrugs. “Okay. I’ll see you later, then?”
“Yeah, go ahead.” After waving goodbye to Zhou Mi, Kyuhyun walks to the door of the room. When he turns the doorknob, he’s dismayed to discover that it’s locked. Well, so much for that. He’s about to turn and follow after Zhou Mi, when he hears a voice behind him.
“That room is reserved for first class passengers only.” He turns around, and sees the man from before-the one who was being yelled at.
“Oh, sorry.” He backs away from the door, a little disappointed. “I’m only second class.”
The man shrugs. “It’s okay. My family reserved this room, so it’s technically ours. Why did you want to go in?”
“Oh, um-” He glances at the piano through the window. “I…”
“You want to play?” He laughs, and Kyuhyun thinks that it’s a stark difference from when he last saw him-head in his hands and very still, every muscle in his body tense. “I can let you in, if you want. I just have to make sure that my mother isn’t around-she doesn’t like me associating with people like you.”
Kyuhyun glances down at himself. “Well, I’m not rich like you, but I’m no street rat.”
He laughs. “I know. I’m Sungmin.” When he sticks out his hand, Kyuhyun shakes it.
“Kyuhyun.”
“Do you play piano, Kyuhyun?” Sungmin fishes for the key in his pocket and unlocks the door, letting him in.
“No, but I’d like to.” He heads straight for the instrument. It’s sleek and shiny and just emanates the air of luxury that Kyuhyun can only wish he has. “Do you play?”
“A little.” Sungmin sits at the piano bench, and plays something. It’s probably something simple, but to Kyuhyun, he sounds like a prodigy. “I’ve had to learn since I was a child, so I suppose it’s become second nature now. Do you want to learn a bit?”
“Will I have to pay you?” Kyuhyun asks, and Sungmin laughs.
“Free of charge. Here, sit.” He scoots over on the bench, and Kyuhyun sits down beside him. “So the musical alphabet is a lot like our own alphabet, but it only goes from A to G…”
Kyuhyun spends the next hour or so learning the piano. Sungmin makes it sound terribly easy-like anyone can learn it, not only those with money. Usually, music is reserved for those who can afford it-those who are sophisticated and high class. Although Kyuhyun is not searching through garbage cans for food, he is none of those things-and he likes the feeling of being able to accomplish something with such ease.
They’re in the middle of learning the concept of key signatures when the door opens again. Kyuhyun looks up and sees the other man from before-the one who was leaning against the wall with crossed arms.
“Oh, Siwon.” Sungmin stands up, smiling. “I thought you were having tea with Mother.”
The man-Siwon-frowns. “She’s upset and said she’d like to sleep.” He glances at Kyuhyun. “This is…?”
“Oh, this is Kyuhyun.” Sungmin steps around the piano to talk to him properly, and Kyuhyun follows suit, feeling uncomfortable in Siwon’s presence. He’s tall and handsome, dressed impeccably, and although he’s not, Kyuhyun feels exactly like a street rat in front of him. “He said he wanted to play the piano, so I thought I’d teach him a little.”
Siwon’s eyes scan Kyuhyun once. “You should spend your time doing…better things.”
“You know, that’s the problem with you,” Sungmin chastises. “All of you, actually. You judge on first appearance. Kyuhyun’s actually really smart-he picked up on things rather quickly.”
Siwon is quiet, and Kyuhyun hastily says, “I don’t think I should intrude,” before heading towards the door. “It’s been nice, Sungmin. Thanks for teaching me.” He smiles tightly at Sungmin, and Sungmin only waves at him, eyes surprised. Siwon nods formally at him when he passes, and once Kyuhyun is out of the room, he releases a breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding.
He’d like to come back again later, when Siwon isn’t around.
-
Kyuhyun tells Zhou Mi about Sungmin over dinner-how he saw him earlier that day, being scolded-how he taught him a little bit of piano, and how he thoroughly enjoyed it. He tells Zhou Mi about how Sungmin makes it incredibly easy, and even a thickhead like Zhou Mi should be able to learn if he tried. Zhou Mi just laughs, saying that maybe he should meet Sungmin sometime.
That night, when his best friend is asleep in the bed across from him in the small room, Kyuhyun stares through the dark at the ceiling. He’s not used to living on a ship, and he can feel every rise and fall of the waves, and his stomach moving along with it. After a particularly strong wave, he decides to go out and get some fresh air before he forces Zhou Mi to wake up to the nauseating scent of his vomit.
It’s cold up on deck. The wind is strong and no one is here, and Kyuhyun wraps his jacket tighter around himself, even though it doesn’t do him much good. It’s refreshing up here, though, so he walks along the edge of the ship, staring out at the black waves.
He finds Sungmin near the tip of the ship, leaning against the railing and eyes fixated on something that’s beyond what’s right in front of them. “Nice seeing you again,” Kyuhyun calls loudly above the wind. Sungmin turns and sees him-hair disheveled from said wind-and smiles.
“It is nice,” he replies when Kyuhyun makes a spot beside him, staring out at the ocean. “Sorry about earlier. Siwon was being…Siwon.”
“It’s fine. Is he a friend of yours? He didn’t seem to like me very much.”
“It’s not that he didn’t like you. He likes to…look out for me, I suppose.” Sungmin sighs. “He’s my friend, I guess. But, um…I’ll be marrying him soon. He’s my fiancé.”
Kyuhyun’s eyebrows shoot up. “Really?”
“Yeah.” Sungmin grins wryly. “Does that surprise you?”
“A little,” he admits. “But not as much as it should.” Actually, it makes him feel a little giddy, although he isn’t sure why. “Why are you going to America?”
“Some family matters.” He’s quiet for a moment. “We’re discussing moving there permanently, though. I’m not sure how I feel about it.” Kyuhyun looks over at Sungmin, and sees the same man from that afternoon-the one being yelled at, the one who was upset. He almost wants to ask him what’s wrong, but decides that it would be inappropriate. Sungmin turns and their eyes meet, and Kyuhyun’s heart skips a beat. “Why are you going to America?” He’s smiling again, as if nothing’s wrong. People can do that really easily, Kyuhyun realizes-acting as though all is right with the world. He’s done it on several occasions himself.
“Honestly? I don’t know.” He shrugs. “My friend and I landed two tickets, so we thought, why not? We don’t have anything worth staying for, and things might even be better over there. We’re just taking a leap of faith.” He smiles wryly. “We don’t quite have solid plans laid out like you.”
“That’s enviable,” Sungmin sighs. “There are times when I wish I could just go wherever I want-but then again, that’s not uncommon for people like me. We always feel oppressed sometimes.”
“Is it hard, living a life like that?”
“Sometimes,” he admits. “I try not to complain, though, because freedom is a small thing to sacrifice for fortune and stability.”
Kyuhyun wants to say that freedom is a huge thing to sacrifice for just fortune and stability. Freedom is his life-following where the current takes him. He’s not like a lot of people, going without a plan-he does head in a general direction, but he leaves room for compromise and unexpected things to happen. This way, he won’t completely hit a dead end, but things still remain interesting.
He doesn’t want to give Sungmin a life lesson, though, so instead, he asks, “Will you teach me more piano tomorrow?”
He smiles. “Sure. When will you be free?”
“How about four o’clock?”
Sungmin’s smile grows into a grin. “Right in the middle of teatime. Perfect. Now I have a reason to get out of it.”
“Can I bring my friend? He wants to learn, too.”
“Sure.” He laughs. “I might have to start charging you guys, though.”
“Getting out of teatime is your payment.”
That night, Kyuhyun falls asleep to the sound of Sungmin’s laughter. His sleepy mind and bad memory makes it sound like a pleasant tinkle, easily lulling him to sleep.
day two.
He enters the room alone the next day, because Zhou Mi said that he wanted to look around the gift shops before joining them. Sungmin is already at the piano when he arrives, and he closes the door behind him and heads straight towards him.
“I’m sorry I’m interrupting your teatime,” he says jokingly, and Sungmin looks up from his music.
“Yes, you’re going to have to make up for that,” he says seriously, moving over on the piano bench so Kyuhyun can sit down. “Let’s pick up from where we left off yesterday?”
Kyuhyun learns about key signatures, about sharps and flats, crescendos and diminuendos. Sungmin explains it like the symbols are his first language-staccato and marcato, legato and bel canto. There’s something about the way his voice curls around the words, like the fantasy of a faraway place-Italy, Sungmin had said-and Kyuhyun has never found music to be so romantic.
“You have nice fingers,” Sungmin observes when Kyuhyun starts trying to play with both hands at the same time. “But you need to curve them more. There’s no way you can maneuver them fast enough if they’re stretched out like that.” He reaches out and fixes his hand position-“Also, make sure to sit up straight; you hunch over a lot”-and Kyuhyun feels a pressure at the small of his back and is it just him or is he getting lightheaded? He sights up straight, back rigid, and he hears Sungmin’s laughter tinkling in his ears again. “I’ve never seen someone as eager as you to learn piano.”
“I don’t get many chances to indulge in luxury,” he replies, perhaps a little stiffly.
Sungmin smiles. “Let’s take a break? We’ve been at this for a little over an hour now. I can’t really teach you any more if you don’t get a chance to practice.”
For the next little while, they just talk-learning more about each other. Sungmin tells Kyuhyun that he really enjoys red wine, and he would’ve been a piano teacher, if his mother weren’t so against it. It’s a little later that Zhou Mi knocks on the door, and Kyuhyun welcomes him with a bright smile, before introducing him to Sungmin. Sungmin teaches him for a while-the things that Kyuhyun had learnt the day before-and Kyuhyun watches them, leaning against the wall. Zhou Mi doesn’t pick things up as fast as Kyuhyun does (he never has), but Sungmin is patient-terribly patient, Kyuhyun thinks. It might be a flaw of his-to endure and endure, ignoring what you want and doing as others order him to. That’s an unbearably sad life.
They’re interrupted again by Siwon, who doesn’t seem surprised to see them this time. “Teatime is over,” he announces, and Zhou Mi jumps a little in his seat. Siwon nods at Kyuhyun in greeting, eyes hard, and Kyuhyun swallows the lump in his throat, nodding back. “Hello, Kyuhyun.”
“Hi.” He straightens up, and tries to smooth out the wrinkles in his shirt, although that turns out to be a fruitless effort. Zhou Mi sidles up beside Kyuhyun to use him as some sort of shield, and Sungmin greets Siwon with a pat on his shoulder. “How are you?”
“Fine.” Siwon doesn’t look menacing today, but he doesn’t smile all the same. “Is this your friend?”
“Oh. I’m Zhou Mi.” His friend introduces himself, sticking a hand out. Siwon takes it without much thought. “Nice to meet you. You’re Sungmin’s friend?”
“Fiancé,” Siwon corrects without a moment’s hesitation.
Zhou Mi’s taken aback for a moment. “Oh. Congratulations, then.”
The other man nods. “Thank you.” Turning to Sungmin, he says, “Shall we go? Your mother has been saying that she hasn’t seen you since this morning.”
Sungmin wrinkles his nose. “That would probably be the reason why I don’t want to see her, but fine, let’s go. I wouldn’t want to give her more reasons to keep me locked up.” Siwon smiles, faintly-the first time Kyuhyun’s ever seen him do it-before turning and opening the door for him. Sungmin waves to Kyuhyun and Zhou Mi.
“You guys can practice here if you want! Tomorrow again, at the same time?”
Kyuhyun sees him off with a smile, with anticipation for the next day, and when the door closes behind Sungmin and Siwon, his smile grows into a full out grin, silly and breathless and suddenly he’s laughing like he hasn’t laughed in a long time.
Zhou Mi kneels down after he crumples onto the floor, curling into himself and laughing so hard. “Um, are you okay?”
“Doesn’t Siwon look like a bodyguard? Like he could beat you up to a pulp in just seconds?”
His friend pauses. “Is that supposed to be funny?”
“It’s just ridiculous.” Kyuhyun sits up, breathing in deeply to calm himself down. “Does Sungmin look like the type of guy who’d marry Siwon? Or the other way around?”
Zhou Mi shrugs. “Do we look like the type who’d be best friends?”
“We’re polar opposites. Therefore, we attract to each other like magnets. It’s logical.”
“Right.” Zhou Mi helps Kyuhyun to his feet, and they go to sit at the piano. “Did he teach you more than he what he taught me?”
“Yeah. We were talking about triplets when you came.”
“Like, children?”
Kyuhyun laughs. “No, musical triplets. If they’re eighth notes triplets, then they’re just like eighth notes, except instead of fitting two into one beat, you fit three.” He tries to explain, but he isn’t sure if he makes as much sense as Sungmin. “I don’t know, maybe you should wait until he teaches you tomorrow.”
Humming, Zhou Mi leans into Kyuhyun. “You like him!” he teases, and the thought dawns onto Kyuhyun-because he’s never really thought about it.
“Yeah,” he admits, feeling his heart flutter. “Yeah, I think I do.”
The other man is silent for a moment. “Well, he is kind of charming.” He glances at Kyuhyun. “Except for the fact that he’s engaged.”
Kyuhyun waves it off. “Love knows no boundaries.”
“What about me?” Zhou Mi’s voice is light, but with the way his hand sneaks up and covers Kyuhyun’s is enough of a hint. The skin on skin is familiar-it reminds him of nights sharing one motel room for the sake of saving money-of looking for jobs together, only taking the jobs if both of them are hired. They used to be attached at the hip-and they still are, Kyuhyun reasons-but strangely enough, the need to constantly be around Zhou Mi has lessened. Kyuhyun isn’t stupid-he knows why.
He turns to Zhou Mi, and although his best friend is smiling-it’s just a joke, Kuixian, no need to be so defensive about it-he can detect the uncertainty in his eyes. “I love you too,” he says with ease. “I’ve always loved you.”
The tension in Zhou Mi’s shoulders relaxes imperceptibly. “Good,” he says with a huff. “You’d better.”
The subject is dropped after that, but it still lingers in Kyuhyun’s mind as Zhou Mi tells him about the other things he had discovered on the ship earlier, when he was with Sungmin. He’s only half listening, and he’s sure Zhou Mi notices-but it happens so often that it can be overlooked. Kyuhyun tunes Zhou Mi out a lot, and it’s become part of their friendship-Zhou Mi blabbers, Kyuhyun listens-day after day, in one ear, out the other.
Kyuhyun thinks about how he hangs onto every single word Sungmin says.
-
He spends the rest of the day with Zhou Mi-they check out the billiards room, and Kyuhyun laughs as Zhou Mi tries to hit the ball with the long stick, using his even longer arms. Zhou Mi has always been a little awkward that way-tripping over his own two feet, making flailing movements with his arms. It’s a charm, Kyuhyun has decided-and only Zhou Mi can pull it off.
They don’t return to their room until after midnight, having spent a long time just staring out at the ocean together on the deck. Half of the time, Kyuhyun was wondering if Sungmin was out there too, just like the night before, somewhere on the opposite side of the ship. So he waits for Zhou Mi to fall asleep, before he quietly tiptoes out of the room and softly shutting the door behind him.
This time, though, when Kyuhyun finds him, he is clearly upset.
The other man sees him, and his tense shoulders relax imperceptibly. “Do you know what my mother told me?” he asks, and before he gives Kyuhyun a chance to answer, he continues. “That I shouldn’t be spending time with people like you. What does that mean? People like you. If it’s the obvious difference in wealth, I would understand, but sometimes, how narrow-minded she is really sends me to the ends of my patience.” His brows are knitted together in frustration, and Kyuhyun wonders if he should say something. “I know I shouldn’t complain about a life like this, but-” He stops, clamping his lips shut. “Sorry.”
“No, don’t be. You have the right to complain. Everyone has troubles, rich or not.” He wants to touch Sungmin’s shoulder-just to let him know of his presence. It’s a little weird, so he ignores the twitch in his hand. “What is it that your mother thinks of me?”
“That you’re a bad influence-you have no table manners and are planting all the wrong ideas in my head.”
Kyuhyun frowns. “Well, I don’t know which fork I should eat my food with, but I don’t slobber all over the table, if that’s what she means. But”-and he can’t help but grin at this part-“I might be planting bad ideas in your head.”
“Like what?”
“Like how there’s more to life than this. Than what you have. That you can be born into a sophisticated family and still be crazy sometimes.”
Sungmin shrugs. “I’ve always known that, though.” He pauses. “Oh, and you know what else? I don’t think Siwon even loves me.”
Pause. “I see.”
“Yeah. We have a close family friend-his name is Hankyung. Siwon met him through us, and after our engagement, I’m pretty sure they started having a thing for each other. I mean, not that they’ve ever done anything about that-neither of them are that kind of people. But sometimes, the glances they shoot at each other over the dinner table are so obvious that they make me want to gag.”
Kyuhyun’s never been through something like that, but it sounds awful. “Do you…love him?” he cautions. “Siwon, I mean.”
Sungmin looks at him then, and he has the saddest smile that Kyuhyun has ever seen. “I used to.”
(And the words echo something deep in Kyuhyun’s heart-it reminds him of long limbs, of one night of forgotten boundaries and sloppy kisses-of heat and fire and everything he ever wanted-)
“I-” He isn’t sure what to say. “I’m sorry.”
“Have you ever loved someone?” Sungmin asks. It should be a question far too personal for people who’ve only known each other for two days, but it feels normal-it feels like something they should talk about.
“I think so,” he says. He sees Zhou Mi’s face in his mind-his bright smile, his quiet voice when he sings, thinking that Kyuhyun isn’t listening. He’s been with Zhou Mi for as long as he remembers-they’ve been through everything together. It’s hard not to love someone who’s always picked you up when you fell down.
“Do you still love him?”
He looks at Sungmin-his large eyes and his windswept hair. His mind is a jumble of thoughts when he says, “I’m not sure.”
“Oh.” Sungmin looks out towards the ocean again, and unless it’s Kyuhyun’s imagination, he looks a little disappointed. “I’m not hurt by Siwon loving someone else-I just wish that either of us had a say in this marriage. We don’t want it, but we can’t stop it-and I know Siwon will never have an affair. That’s just not what he does. He’s respectable and kind and he-he’s so good to me, but I can’t breathe when I’m with him.” Kyuhyun sees the way Sungmin’s fingers clench around the railing until his knuckles are white. He sees Sungmin and he sees Zhou Mi-remembers his palm pressing against Zhou Mi’s, remembers his quiet breathing when he sleeps. He remembers frustration and anger and walking away from what might’ve been his happiness.
For some reason, to Kyuhyun, when Sungmin talks, he sounds like someone who’s desperately crying for help.
“You can breathe with me,” he tells him. “I’ll let you breathe.”
Sungmin smiles weakly. “Really?”
“Really.”
Kyuhyun kisses him. Sungmin lets him.
day three.
He knows Zhou Mi wakes up to an empty room the next morning, because he spent all night with Sungmin. Sungmin insisted on staying out on the deck, despite the cold wind, and by the time the sun began to peek over the horizon, Kyuhyun had lost all feeling in his nose, ears, and fingers.
Sometime during those dark hours, Kyuhyun has found meaning in Sungmin’s fingers interlacing with his. His hand is different from Zhou Mi’s-his fingers not as long, hands cold instead of warm-but everyone is different, and Kyuhyun responds to Sungmin differently than he responds to Zhou Mi. Sungmin is all smiles and laughter throughout the night, jokes and childhood stories, and Kyuhyun tells him a little about his life, too-of picking up weird jobs for low pay, and traveling here and there, not quite remembering the meaning of the word home. Jokingly, Sungmin told him that he can be his home, and although Kyuhyun laughed it off, he thinks that it’s a very nice suggestion, and would like to hold him to that.
When morning comes, Sungmin is quieter, his grip on Kyuhyun’s fingers looser. Kyuhyun leans in for a kiss-the nth one since their first-and Sungmin sighs against his mouth, and Kyuhyun thinks that he can get used to this.
“I should get back,” Sungmin murmurs, pulling away, hand falling out of Kyuhyun’s. “Before I make things worse for myself.”
Kyuhyun wants to shake his head, wants to say no-to tell him to stay, to break the rules for once, to have some fun-but he knows that Sungmin wouldn’t do that, and even if he did, it would be on his conscience-so he lets him go, with one last kiss lingering in his lips. It feels like his heart is beating with renewed life, even though he’s exhausted from the lack of sleep. He trudges back to his room and crawls into bed, ignoring Zhou Mi when he hears his sheets rustle, asking him where he’s been.
“You were gone,” he hears a few moments later, feeling Zhou Mi crawl into bed beside him. This isn’t uncommon, so he shuffles over to make some room for him. “Where were you?”
“Mm,” he mumbles, suddenly tired. “Out.”
“Where?” Zhou Mi snuggles up against Kyuhyun’s back, nuzzling his hair. “With Sungmin?”
“Yeah…”
“All night? What were you guys doing?”
“Enough to make me want to sleep for the next twelve hours…” He curls up into a ball and presses back against Zhou Mi, feeling his warmth. “He’s a good kisser, Mi.”
There might’ve been a brief pause between then and what Zhou Mi says next, but Kyuhyun’s drifting off to sleep now, so he isn’t sure. “Better than me?”
A faint smile reaches his lips. “Did you forget how you almost bit through my bottom lip?”
“I thought we agreed that we tripped.”
But Kyuhyun’s already asleep.
-
The next time he opens his eyes, Zhou Mi’s warmth is gone, but the blankets are lovingly tucked around him. He rolls onto his back and stretches, feeling refreshed and ready to take on the world.
“You’re awake,” he hears Zhou Mi say, and he lifts his head to see his best friend step out of the bathroom. “Did you sleep well?”
“Mm,” he hums, sitting up. “What time is it?”
“Nearing noon. Hungry?”
He grins. “Always.”
So he gets ready, and he and Zhou Mi head out to find some food. Kyuhyun really wishes he could eat through the entire ship’s supply, because everything is just so good-and if he had the room in his stomach, he would definitely devour it all.
“So what were you doing last night?” Zhou Mi asks once they have food in front of them and Kyuhyun is happily stuffing his face.
“Just talking,” he replies honestly. “Getting to know each other more, I guess.” He remembers last night clearly-the feel of Sungmin’s mouth underneath his, warm and pliant and possibly the most perfect thing he has ever experienced. Sungmin is captivating in every aspect-in his self-restraint, in his patience, in how his voice sounds squeaky and like a timid little mouse, when Kyuhyun knows he’s exactly the opposite.
Zhou Mi cuts his boiled egg in half with his fork with a little more force than necessary. “Even though this trip was supposed to be for the two of us,” he mutters grudgingly.
“Jealous?” Kyuhyun taunts, and when Zhou Mi looks up, he’s pretty sure he’s crossed the line.
“Kind of,” he admits, before returning to his food.
Oh, Kyuhyun thinks. Oh.
He didn’t think he was that serious when-when-
Oh.
-
He makes it a point to avoid Zhou Mi by looking for Sungmin-up on the dock, in the room with the piano-but he’s nowhere to be found. There’s still an hour or two before teatime, and he isn’t sure what Sungmin does during the rest of the day, so Kyuhyun decides to return to his room to take a nap. Or mull things over. But mostly take a nap.
Clearly, someone else had the same idea.
Zhou Mi is rearranging his clothes (as he often does when he’s troubled or stressed-he says it clears his mind) when Kyuhyun walks in, and they look at each other for a moment, before Zhou Mi manages a smile. “Hey.”
“Hey.” Kyuhyun sits on his bed, remembering the flash of hurt in Zhou Mi’s eyes at that very moment. He knows Zhou Mi has a thing for him-they’ve always had a thing for each other-but really, for it to mean so much-there were times when Kyuhyun thought that this is it, Zhou Mi’s the one, he can spend the rest of his life with him and he’ll never need anyone else-but to have that reciprocated is just-
This time, he really needs to commend himself for his stupidity.
“Remember that one time we-” Zhou Mi stops, almost as if choking on himself. “And I nearly bit through your bottom lip? And then I said-and I pretended not to remember the next morning…”
Kyuhyun blinks. “You mean when you said…” When you said you loved me.
“It was so easy to blame it on the alcohol, because you could always hold better than me…”
“Why did you pretend to forget?”
“Because of the look on your face! You looked like I kicked your puppy, or something! You looked-you looked repulsed, Kyuhyun.” Zhou Mi folds his clothes with new determination.
Kyuhyun remembers that night well-he remembers because he thinks about it all the time. They were celebrating their new jobs, and bought some wine to drink at home. With Kyuhyun’s help, they emptied the bottle easily, and in their excitement, mouths met and teeth clacked. They both wanted it, and they knew that-they’d felt the tension for months-years, maybe, but Kyuhyun wasn’t sure, because one tended to lose track of time when the days blurred together. But despite the alcohol, Kyuhyun was completely lucid-remembering the curve of Zhou Mi’s hipbone, the hot, hot heat-even today, Zhou Mi’s moans still echo in Kyuhyun’s ears. He’s sure they’ll haunt him forever.
But maybe what he remembers most are the words that spilled out of Zhou Mi’s mouth just before he came. Kyuhyun can’t remember them exactly, but they were something along the lines of God, Kyu, don’t stop, Kyuhyun, Kuixian, oh my God, I love you, I love you so much-
Kyuhyun supposes he made some sort of face that expressed that he didn’t like it.
(Honestly? He wasn’t thinking much of it, because he pretty much came right then.)
That never happened again. Kyuhyun guesses he knows why now.
“I wasn’t repulsed,” he says, kicking off his shoes and crawling underneath the covers. “I was busy coming, but whatever.”
“You have a terrible orgasm face, then.”
“Thanks.” He buries his face into his pillowing, wondering if that’s what stopped everything-if that one moment made Zhou Mi decide that he should pretend nothing happened. Kyuhyun never really thought much of it-because he knew that he’d always have Zhou Mi. He wasn’t in a rush. He still isn’t. (Or maybe, he doesn’t see Zhou Mi that way anymore.)
“Isn’t it teatime soon?” Zhou Mi asks nonchalantly a little while later, when Kyuhyun’s drifting in and out of sleep.
“I’ll go in a bit,” he mumbles, seeing Sungmin’s face in his mind. Feeling the ghost of Zhou Mi’s hands on his hips.
He does go in a bit. He mumbles a goodbye to Zhou Mi, who says he won’t be going today-slips on his shoes, and disappears out the door.
-
“Where’s Zhou Mi?” Sungmin asks when Kyuhyun closes the door behind him.
“He said he’s not coming,” he replies. “I think he’s upset.”
“About what?”
“I don’t know,” Kyuhyun lies, stepping closer to Sungmin who’s standing by the piano. That roughly translates into I don’t care, and Sungmin clearly gets the general gist of it, because he easily leans into his mouth when he tilts his head accordingly.
“Close the blinds first. And lock the door.”
There is something desperate writhing in the pit of Kyuhyun’s stomach-reaching out to Sungmin and wrapping around his neck like a noose that could tighten at any moment. He can’t exactly pinpoint it, but he supposes it has to do with just realizing that he and Zhou Mi could’ve been. It’s a frustration he’s never known before-to know that you could’ve had your happiness, had you reached out-
But Zhou Mi’s too far gone now, and all Kyuhyun can see, think, and feel, is Sungmin.
Sungmin’s lips part wider, and their tongues sweep across each other. A shudder wracks through Kyuhyun’s body, and he presses himself closer to Sungmin, but not feeling his warmth because of his thick suit. His hands slide from Sungmin’s hips, up his torso, across his chest, until he’s threading his fingers through his hair. Their breaths are hot on each other’s lips, and this, Kyuhyun thinks-this might be even better than Zhou Mi. And it’s not the fact that Sungmin isn’t biting through his bottom lip-there’s a headiness to this, a need-with Zhou Mi, Kyuhyun has always felt unrushed, felt like there’s all the time in the world-but right now, Kyuhyun doesn’t even care how much time he has with Sungmin-he just needs as much of him as he can get, as soon as possible, time be damned.
He rolls his hips against Sungmin’s, and they pull apart from each other, breathing heavily. Sungmin has an iron grip on Kyuhyun’s waist, so tight it’s almost unnatural. Kyuhyun rolls his hips again, and Sungmin holds back a moan.
“Don’t,” he gasps. “Stop.”
“Why?” he asks, kissing him again. He can clearly feel Sungmin’s erection against his thigh.
He can tell that Sungmin’s doing his best to calm down-taking deep breaths, growing less responsive to Kyuhyun’s advances. Kyuhyun mentally pauses-to do as asked, or keep on going?-before he carefully pulls away from Sungmin. His pants feel uncomfortable and he’s too warm, and Sungmin’s cheeks are flushed.
“Sorry,” Sungmin mutters, looking away. “Just-guilt, you know. The sense of obligation. I shouldn’t be doing any of this.”
Kyuhyun nods, although he doesn’t really understand. “Right. Of course.”
“But I”-and Kyuhyun can’t quite comprehend the look in Sungmin’s eyes. Maybe it’s a mix of guilt and desire and everything he’s never thought of, on the brink of a brave new world-“I want this. Don’t think I don’t.”
“Okay.” (He still doesn’t understand.)
Sungmin takes a deep breath, and leans back against the piano, closing his eyes. In, out, in, out. Calm. Kyuhyun finds it fascinating how Sungmin can control himself like that.
The air hovers over them, heavy. Kyuhyun’s still hard.
Sungmin leans forward and kisses him once-soft lips, soft intentions. “Maybe I’ll see if I can sort this out,” he says-a half-promise. “I really-I really want this.”
“Yeah,” Kyuhyun murmurs against Sungmin’s mouth. “Me too.”
But something doesn’t quite feel right-making Sungmin tear his entire life apart for him. Kyuhyun’s not rich, and he doesn’t follow a set path like Sungmin does-but this, he thinks he understands.
-
He contemplates whether or not he should sleep somewhere else that night. He and Zhou Mi didn’t separate earlier on good terms, and he isn’t sure if he should go back and face him again.
(But he does go back. Because even though they’ve had arguments, had disagreements, they’ve always gone back to each other. Zhou Mi is too precious to Kyuhyun to throw away due to some tension in their friendship and too much pride. They’re more than that. Kyuhyun wants to believe that they’re more than that.)
Zhou Mi is showering when he returns, and he kicks off his shoes and crawls into his best friend’s bed. Inhales his scent in the pillow. He could’ve woken up to this scent every morning-but instead, he wakes up with Zhou Mi on the other side of the room.
There’s always going to be that line that they’ll never be able to cross.
(And maybe-maybe, he doesn’t want to cross it anymore.)
He hears Zhou Mi come out of the bathroom, but Kyuhyun’s too busy with his face buried in his pillow, so he doesn’t look up. Zhou Mi smells good. Zhou Mi smells like home.
“How was your day?” Zhou Mi asks, and Kyuhyun rolls over onto his back so he can see him. Zhou Mi’s wearing some loose-fitting clothes and toweling his hair dry-as if nothing’s wrong, and Kyuhyun just got home from his shift at his most recent job. Maybe nothing is wrong. Maybe Kyuhyun’s just over-thinking everything.
“Okay,” he replies, thinking about how Sungmin pushed him away. “Could’ve been better, but okay.”
Zhou Mi laughs. “Weird, how we landed the tickets onto this ship together, but we don’t really spend any time together at all.”
“What did you do today?”
He shrugs. “This and that. Talked to some people. You know how I am with people.”
“Yeah, I do know.” Zhou Mi’s good with people. He’s talkative where Kyuhyun is quiet, smiles when Kyuhyun frowns, dispels the tension when Kyuhyun is awkward. “Sorry. I’ll spend time with you tomorrow.”
Zhou Mi tosses his towel to the side and crawls into bed with Kyuhyun. “I’ll hold you do that.” Kyuhyun shifts to make some room for him, and they both lay there for a while, staring at the ceiling, quiet. Silence with Zhou Mi has always been comfortable. Generally speaking, Zhou Mi is always comfortable. Kyuhyun wonders what it is that Zhou Mi likes about him. What is it that Sungmin likes about him.
“You’ve over it, right?” he says. “Like, me. And my bad orgasm face.”
Pause. “Sort of, I guess.”
“Sort of?”
“I’ve never really got over you, to be honest.”
“When did it start?”
It’s just now that Kyuhyun realizes how much of Zhou Mi he might not actually know. “Long before that happened,” he says. “I don’t know. It was gradual.”
“Oh,” Kyuhyun says dumbly. “It was…gradual for me too.” So gradual that I didn’t even realize it.
“Do you still…?”
“Hm?” He turns to look at Zhou Mi, who’s staring at him earnestly. “I’m not sure…I don’t think so?" He sees nothing in Zhou Mi’s face-no disappointment, no hope-just a blank slate, and Kyuhyun wonders if he’s supposed to draw all over it.
Zhou Mi shifts so he’s lying on his side, and he reaches out, his fingers ghosting across Kyuhyun’s cheek. Kyuhyun watches him. (The line-he can see the line, and it’s fast approaching.) “You’re not sure,” he repeats, and Kyuhyun nods. “Does that mean that I have a chance to change your mind?”
The no slips from his lips too quickly, and it makes him wonder how deep he’s fallen with Sungmin. Kyuhyun watches as Zhou Mi moves closer; he can smell the shampoo in his hair, the scent that is distinctly Zhou Mi and so comforting and so perfect, and maybe the line is blurred, just a little-the line that says you cannot touch me like this, you cannot make my heart jump like this-but it’s all about making decisions, and Kyuhyun has already made his.
Zhou Mi’s mouth is soft and warm, just like Kyuhyun remembers it, but it’s stale and not quite right. “Don’t,” he says, pulling away. Zhou Mi looks at him and suddenly Kyuhyun sees it all-every crack in his heart, every word of adoration he’s bitten back. He sees it all and suddenly it hurts like nothing he’s ever known.
“I can’t even try to change your mind?” Zhou Mi whispers, and Kyuhyun spots a few unshed tears, too.
“I-” Kyuhyun swallows. “We missed our chance, okay? We missed our chance.” They stare at each other, laying side by side in bed, hearts beating, heartstrings hopelessly tangled-but while Zhou Mi is carefully undoing the knots, Kyuhyun is cutting them off with the sharpest pair of scissors in hand.
Zhou Mi looks like he’s about to fall apart, and Kyuhyun pulls him close-kisses him once, soft and gentle and the most loving apology and goodbye he can muster-and pulls him close, letting Zhou Mi bury his face into his neck. Kyuhyun can only wonder how so many things can disappear in just a heartbeat.
part i | part ii