For lack of a better place
I guess I'm going to write some things here. I'm not sure where this will end up or what all I'm going to say but I need to write this down.
To put it bluntly, I'm depressed. And I know a lot of people these days say that they are depressed but I'm pretty sure I know what its really like. I feel like crap a lot of the time. Its really hard to want to get out of bed in the morning. I sleep about 4.5 to 6 hours a night, which is not really enough. I think part of has to do with my living arrangements. The roommates tend to party a lot, and the newest one is no exception. I don't really mind the hours I sleep, I don't know how to get better quality sleep either way.
Work leaves something to be desired as well. I thought switching to days would be a good thing in the long run. Less dealing with drunks, the dark, being up way too late all the time, but the money just doesn't seem to be there anymore. I feel like I'm wasting/biding my time until something better comes along but lately I don't know what that could be.
I would love to just go out there and find a new job using my degree but I'm seriously at a loss at how to do that. I'm 5 years out of college now with barely a year or so of decent experience under my belt. I've got no confidence in my skills or talent, no clue where to look for jobs, and no clue how to apply for them. I've got a resume, I should be qualified for something but I'm afraid of rejection. The last job I had an interview for, I couldn't even contact the person who interviewed me or the one who set the interview up. Talk about lack of professionalism on their part.
The main reason for writing all of this is to attempt to describe in writing how I feel. I don't want to do anything, like anything at all. Its hard to get up in the morning for work. Part of that I think has to do with congestion, but it can't be all of it. Work is kind of tough also, I don't want to be there, but I get my work done. My boss got fired yesterday, a fellow day driver is becoming a manager so I guess thats good for him, I might get put on a regular schedule, but who knows who is making the schedule in the future. Chores, cleaning, doing the dishes, paying bills, laundry are all very difficult for me to get motivated to do. I don't grocery shop, I pretty much exclusively eat fast food/out for dinner and eat lunch at work.
I've been trying to go to counseling, my new counselor is pretty great but we keep having scheduling conflicts. I think meds would really help me feel better/normal but the doctor at the counseling center is booked a couple months out. I can't afford to go out and find a doctor. My mom said she'd pay for it but I feel awful asking for more help from her.
I worry about things pretty much constantly. I worry about money, I don't feel like I make enough at Jimmy Johns. I feel like my bills are outrageous. I'm pretty much overwhelmed by credit card debt, I pay more for my car payment every month than I do for my rent. I worry about my car, its so expensive every month, but I need it for work. I don't have insurance, which was a big pain last year but its been bad this year too. If I had insurance I could go and get my sinus problems checked out, I could go to the dentist and get my teeth cleaned and fixed up, I could afford to see a doctor for my brain and get the meds I need to even me out, but insurance through jimmy johns isn't affordable for me.
I get so jealous and frustrated when I think about my friends who are successful. I watch my roommate Kevin talk about work all the time and wish I was in his shoes. He's working this great job, has great benefits, is happy and productive and I just wish I could be like him more. I just don't know what to do to get there.
I really miss having someone special in my life, or someone who cared close to me. My family isn't here, I don't feel like I've got close friends who genuinely care close to me. Yeah they may say they care, but I never feel sure anymore. I got super into dating Brigitte in October and then ended things in December and haven't really talked to her since. It bums me out because she's the first genuine connection I've had in awhile and now looking back on it she just never gave it a chance.
I hate feeling this helpless, and thats really how I feel. I know I need to make changes but I don't know what or how to make them. I could move home and back in with one of my parents, but that would take me away from my friends and some jobs here in Indy. It would help with my rent and put me closer to my family, but I don't know where I'd work up there. I thought about filing for bankruptcy but that would really only take care of my credit card debt and would set me back a bit with my credit, which is apparently decent right now. I wish I could get rid of my car, but I owe about 9500 still on it from trading in my old car. Its definitely not in great shape and its only worth about 5k anyways. My mom is currently helping me pay off my student loans but she's only going to do that until August.
I really just want to get better, get back to my old self, the productive confident strong person I felt like I was a year and a half ago before I got shot. The positive thinking happy person I was back then, but I can't seem to find him anymore. I feel bitter and angry, frustrated, helpless, tired, lazy and like a failure. I don't want to feel this way anymore, but I don't know how or what to change.
To put it bluntly, I'm depressed. And I know a lot of people these days say that they are depressed but I'm pretty sure I know what its really like. I feel like crap a lot of the time. Its really hard to want to get out of bed in the morning. I sleep about 4.5 to 6 hours a night, which is not really enough. I think part of has to do with my living arrangements. The roommates tend to party a lot, and the newest one is no exception. I don't really mind the hours I sleep, I don't know how to get better quality sleep either way.
Work leaves something to be desired as well. I thought switching to days would be a good thing in the long run. Less dealing with drunks, the dark, being up way too late all the time, but the money just doesn't seem to be there anymore. I feel like I'm wasting/biding my time until something better comes along but lately I don't know what that could be.
I would love to just go out there and find a new job using my degree but I'm seriously at a loss at how to do that. I'm 5 years out of college now with barely a year or so of decent experience under my belt. I've got no confidence in my skills or talent, no clue where to look for jobs, and no clue how to apply for them. I've got a resume, I should be qualified for something but I'm afraid of rejection. The last job I had an interview for, I couldn't even contact the person who interviewed me or the one who set the interview up. Talk about lack of professionalism on their part.
The main reason for writing all of this is to attempt to describe in writing how I feel. I don't want to do anything, like anything at all. Its hard to get up in the morning for work. Part of that I think has to do with congestion, but it can't be all of it. Work is kind of tough also, I don't want to be there, but I get my work done. My boss got fired yesterday, a fellow day driver is becoming a manager so I guess thats good for him, I might get put on a regular schedule, but who knows who is making the schedule in the future. Chores, cleaning, doing the dishes, paying bills, laundry are all very difficult for me to get motivated to do. I don't grocery shop, I pretty much exclusively eat fast food/out for dinner and eat lunch at work.
I've been trying to go to counseling, my new counselor is pretty great but we keep having scheduling conflicts. I think meds would really help me feel better/normal but the doctor at the counseling center is booked a couple months out. I can't afford to go out and find a doctor. My mom said she'd pay for it but I feel awful asking for more help from her.
I worry about things pretty much constantly. I worry about money, I don't feel like I make enough at Jimmy Johns. I feel like my bills are outrageous. I'm pretty much overwhelmed by credit card debt, I pay more for my car payment every month than I do for my rent. I worry about my car, its so expensive every month, but I need it for work. I don't have insurance, which was a big pain last year but its been bad this year too. If I had insurance I could go and get my sinus problems checked out, I could go to the dentist and get my teeth cleaned and fixed up, I could afford to see a doctor for my brain and get the meds I need to even me out, but insurance through jimmy johns isn't affordable for me.
I get so jealous and frustrated when I think about my friends who are successful. I watch my roommate Kevin talk about work all the time and wish I was in his shoes. He's working this great job, has great benefits, is happy and productive and I just wish I could be like him more. I just don't know what to do to get there.
I really miss having someone special in my life, or someone who cared close to me. My family isn't here, I don't feel like I've got close friends who genuinely care close to me. Yeah they may say they care, but I never feel sure anymore. I got super into dating Brigitte in October and then ended things in December and haven't really talked to her since. It bums me out because she's the first genuine connection I've had in awhile and now looking back on it she just never gave it a chance.
I hate feeling this helpless, and thats really how I feel. I know I need to make changes but I don't know what or how to make them. I could move home and back in with one of my parents, but that would take me away from my friends and some jobs here in Indy. It would help with my rent and put me closer to my family, but I don't know where I'd work up there. I thought about filing for bankruptcy but that would really only take care of my credit card debt and would set me back a bit with my credit, which is apparently decent right now. I wish I could get rid of my car, but I owe about 9500 still on it from trading in my old car. Its definitely not in great shape and its only worth about 5k anyways. My mom is currently helping me pay off my student loans but she's only going to do that until August.
I really just want to get better, get back to my old self, the productive confident strong person I felt like I was a year and a half ago before I got shot. The positive thinking happy person I was back then, but I can't seem to find him anymore. I feel bitter and angry, frustrated, helpless, tired, lazy and like a failure. I don't want to feel this way anymore, but I don't know how or what to change.