(no subject)
sometimes i think i piss jake off just so that we can talk for longer. i dont mean to. i just...i guess i just feel more safe..feel more of everything when i am talking to him, or around him. i like the way he makes me feel, even if we are fighting and i end up crying. i like that he makes me feel. i like that i am a different person because of him, because i love him. i dont hate the pain that i feel, thinking about it, i know that if i hadnt ever loved him i wouldnt feel this now. and i am glad i love him. i read something a friend wrote this afternoon, it was 5 pages in a notebook, about love, and about how even though he feels like his world is caving in, he doesnt regret it. its like being broken and whole at the same time. like..spinning and spinning with your arms stretched outward, spinning faster and faster until you fall down. you fall...you sit there and let everything around you stop spinning. it takes time for your vision to clear up after that. it takes time to want to get up and start spinning again. you're always going to fall, how hard just depends on how fast you let yourself spin. well...i am sitting on the ground, with my pale white ass covered in bruises from my fall. i was spinning pretty fast.....i hate that i make him mad, and yet i love it. i love that i make him irritated, or pissed off, or sad, or happy, or at peace...i love that i make him feel..feel anything at all. it lets me know he cares, even when we're fighting. i listened to someone tell me that she loves knowing that she has power over someone else's emotions..it makes her feel so powerful, and shes sadistic, so she toys with his emotions constantly, making him laugh, making him cry..i cant imagine being like that on purpose. i cant say that i have ever done anything to intentionally hurt someone, that made me feel powerful. im too connected, too emotional. in some ways i wish me and jake didnt fight so much. most of the time it is my fault, either i start it knowing its going to turn into a fight, or i say something that pisses him off, and it turns into a fight soon after. i dont mean to hurt him. but in some ways i like it. i like that he doesnt usually just give in. he stays passionate about what he feels. i like that i make him feel so many things at once, because if he is like me when we are fighting he feels a lot of things. frustration mostly...lol. i get pissed, sometimes i cry, my eyes turn blue..lol, but i like that we arent both so passive that we just let things go...we forgive, we forget..and live to fight again. i love jake. i love him more than words could come close to expressing. i hope he knows that, and remembers it when we fight about stupid shit...