The Passing and The Funeral (Part 1)
The Passing
According to my mum, she was just giving water to my grandma when she coughed, sneezed thrice before she died, in my mum's arms. When mum called me, I was having dinner at PT's house (alone somemore cause he had to do last min OT) and I rushed down immediately. The mood was very sombre. I took a last look at the face I had gazed upon for the last 25 years of my life and left the room. She looked like she was sleeping. (I hate to have to use past tense here) I couldn't feel anything. I guess I was a little shocked, even though all of us were mentally prepared for this day.
Cousin Yan sat in silence, unable to talk to anyone. I held her hand, but it was little comfort I can offered I knew that she took my grandma's passing pretty hard, because she was closer to her then any of us. When I left with my parents later on, my eyes were still dry.
Downstairs, the funeral palour was being set up.
The Funeral
I was still dry eyed when I turn up at the office the next day. By right I should have taken leave, but there was some important and urgent matters I have to settled, and after which, my boss gave me leave to leave early.
Just in time as well. The moment I arrived, my aunt barked at me to change into mourning clothes and there was a hassle to find the right sizes for me. I hurriedly changed and all of us knelt and prayed before going upstairs to her room to retrieve her body. All of us except the people designated to move her were asked to back face the room and not watch her being carried out, but most of us turn to look anyway. My uncles broke down before they even had to carry, in the end, was so distraughted that my cousins end up carrying her out instead.
Seeing her all wrapped up and being carried out onto the stretcher broke my dam. I started crying. It was as if the finality of her death had finally sank in on me. Vaguely I remember wanting to tell them to be careful because she was fragile, part of me wanted them to remove her wrappings so that my grandma can breath again (which is silly, but something I cant help), and another part of me panicked because I thought I won't be able to see her face again.
I composed myself a litte. Most of my female cousins were sobbing, and the funeral uncle who came to help told us not to cry, because my grandma had lived a rich and fruitful life, and is peaceful in her passing.
I couldn't bring myself to watch them put her into the coffin. I averted my eyes, because I cannot stand the idea of anyone putting my grandma into a coffin. The job was quickly done, and we did somemore kneeling, bowing and chanting. I did not chant, partly because I am not a devout buddhist and partly because buddhist chants aren't exactly the last words I wanted to say to her:
Grandma, take good care of yourself whereever you are now, because we are no longer able to take care of you. I am very sorry that I'm not able to spend more time with you while you were alive, I always took for granted that you will always be around. It was so stupid of me to think you'll live forever, or that you will always be there at every important day to grace the occasion with your presence. Its a mistake I regretted making, and I'll made it up to you in my next life, if I have the chance to. Goodbye Grandma.
All of us were asked to walk around the coffin thrice, to see her last and say our last words to her. I was crying pretty hard at this point, because that is really the last time I will ever get to see her face. I wanted to reach out to touch her face, but I know it wouldn't be appropriate. All these while memories of her watching me grew up, and whatever precious little time I spent with her was replaying in my mind. Everytime I didn't make the extra effort to talk to her, and the fact that I love my another granny more made me feel guiltier then before. I always thought that the attention of one less grandchild wouldn't matter to her, since she had so many. That was another stupid thinking, because I know that even if it didn't matter to her, it matters to ME.
I could barely choke out the words "Ah ma" (Grandma in hokkien) the last time I walked past her coffin, because that was the final time I can call her that.
And finally, they nailed her coffin shut. I wouldn't be able to see my ah ma forever. (still crying abit as I recount this, couldn't help myself)
I hugged Cousin Yan and we cried together.
The Aftermath
It was draining on all of us, but somehow we managed to summon the energy to get things moving. My company was nice enough to send me a wreath for her passing, which now stood alongside numerous wreaths sent by associates of my relatives. The funeral isn't without some lighthearted moments, especially when my cousins and I were folding the incense papers to burn.
Cousin Zheng: I don't understand why this needs folding
me: Well it is to show our sincerity in giving her our blessings and to show that we are sorry she left us.
Cousin Zheng: I feel sorry alright.. sorry for myself..
It was really bad of him, but I couldn't help laughing. It brought back good memories of the times we spent together as kids together with Cousin Yan, and the long discussions we had everytime we meet up, usually because it was Chinese New Year, or grandma's birthday.
I learnt how to fold the incense papers in different patterns and even made a joke about how we can start a family business as a Kim Zhua (Incense Paper) Factory. It is really during times like these that you see all of us working as a whole, as a family.
The PT has been really sweet and supportive all these while. He came on the first day to pay his respects to my grandma and made his donation to the bereavement fund. We went out later afterwards for some fresh air and he brought me to see fireworks to cheer me up; it had been a long and exhausting day for me. Yesterday he showed up unexpectedly early to meet me at the funeral, and even helped me to fold the incense papers. I felt a little shy having him around, afterall he is the first boyfriend i ever brought to meet my extended family (none of my exes merit such an honor), although I had hoped to introduce him to them at a better setting then my grandma's funeral.
My relatives teased and interrogated me a fair bit afterwards though. *rolls eyes*
I would be sending off my grandma tomorrow, and I will continue to blog about it.
p.s Thanks for all your condolences, they were much appreciated.