I Get Uncertain Promise I'll Be Perfect From Now On
Fuck. I'm in one of those funks again. It's been awhile since I've had one of my manic cycles, but I'm not sure if that's good or if it just means I'm going to get more depressive cycles/I'm overdue for a friggin' insane manic one. *sigh*
So I'm bitchy to almost everyone for no reason, I'm completely unmotivated, I don't want to eat, I don't want to talk to anyone, I just wantntto sleep all day and I just feel sad and angry and distant all the time. It's really not cool. My shoulder pain is not helping this at all. It's frustrating because in order for it to get better I can't play rugby when that's the one thing I feel like doing, but if I keep playing then I'll only fuck it up more. My wrist has made no improvements since early March either. Did I mention they're both the left side? Yay. I also have roadrash all the way up my left thigh onto my ass and practically in my ass crack. It's never been more painful to go to the bathroom.
I didn't go to school again today. A part of me could really care less, but then another part of me is freaking out about what I'm missing. It's like once there's a hole, rather than pulling myself out of it right away, I continue to let it get bigger and bigger until I can't even comprehend getting out of it. I try to be happy, I really do, for everyone else's sake, but sometimes it's just too much. My mom is disappointed in me, I know it, and today she said she was unimpressed with me right now. I want to do well and I am... but it's like it's not good enough. If I didn't skip out so much this year then she wouldn't care about a B or two, but I think that since I have she believes that my absences are the reason I'm getting them. Math has always been a subject I don't comprehend that well, but Media Arts... it's fucking Media Arts! And my own laziness is what fucked me over.
I could say that the reason I don't try and am letting my grades slide is because it's boring to me, which is true, but in reality I'm just rationalizing. Listen to me! "Letting my grades slide." You'd think I was getting C's or D's or failing shit. No. I'm talking about B's. B's that are perfectly fine, B's that still place me above average. Excuse me while I go jump off the nearest highrise.
So I'm bitchy to almost everyone for no reason, I'm completely unmotivated, I don't want to eat, I don't want to talk to anyone, I just wantntto sleep all day and I just feel sad and angry and distant all the time. It's really not cool. My shoulder pain is not helping this at all. It's frustrating because in order for it to get better I can't play rugby when that's the one thing I feel like doing, but if I keep playing then I'll only fuck it up more. My wrist has made no improvements since early March either. Did I mention they're both the left side? Yay. I also have roadrash all the way up my left thigh onto my ass and practically in my ass crack. It's never been more painful to go to the bathroom.
I didn't go to school again today. A part of me could really care less, but then another part of me is freaking out about what I'm missing. It's like once there's a hole, rather than pulling myself out of it right away, I continue to let it get bigger and bigger until I can't even comprehend getting out of it. I try to be happy, I really do, for everyone else's sake, but sometimes it's just too much. My mom is disappointed in me, I know it, and today she said she was unimpressed with me right now. I want to do well and I am... but it's like it's not good enough. If I didn't skip out so much this year then she wouldn't care about a B or two, but I think that since I have she believes that my absences are the reason I'm getting them. Math has always been a subject I don't comprehend that well, but Media Arts... it's fucking Media Arts! And my own laziness is what fucked me over.
I could say that the reason I don't try and am letting my grades slide is because it's boring to me, which is true, but in reality I'm just rationalizing. Listen to me! "Letting my grades slide." You'd think I was getting C's or D's or failing shit. No. I'm talking about B's. B's that are perfectly fine, B's that still place me above average. Excuse me while I go jump off the nearest highrise.