08; [fic] pieces of the sun (pin; 1/1)
Result of two nights' obsessive typing:
Title: Pieces of the Sun
Author: inevitabilityy
Rating: PG-13 for language and awkward boy!kissing.
Pairings/Characters: Akanishi Jin/Yamashita Tomohisa, KAT-TUN, Nishikido Ryo and Shirota Yuu.
Word Count: 3022.
Disclaimer: These are not my boys, nor do I own Johnny's Entertainment.
Notes: The Pin that I promised trangai. akdklhgjhs oh darling ♥ I hope it measures up to what you were hoping for. I am not completely satisfied with the ending and also I am so insanely tired, but ILU ♥
Summary: "I wanted to be the first person to walk on the sun," Jin confesses, "until I was eight and someone told me I'd burn up if I did." Jin is selfish; he's always been.
It’s always Yamapi who makes him feel this way; it’s Yamapi who makes everyone feel this way.
“Best friends!” Yamapi will shout with his fist pumped, or type excitedly in his jweb, a thousand perky red hearts and exclamation marks after the phrase, and Jin just can’t help but feel that it doesn’t matter what Yamapi says - he’d believe anything that comes out of that mouth. But it’s not only him, it’s never only him. It’s always someone else too - Yuu or Ryo or sometimes Kame or anyone else, Yamapi loves everyone and everyone loves Yamapi.
I want you to myself, Jin will think selfishly sometimes (all the time): when Yamapi is told he’s joining NewS with Ryo and without Toma (or Jin), when Yamapi and Yuu go to the movies without him, when Yamapi stays the night at Ryo’s and whenever Jin reads Yamapi’s blog and realizes that slowly, Yamapi is falling in love with his band because Yamapi is easy (he’s always been) and will love anyone because his heart’s too full to do otherwise.
But I want you to love me, only me, Jin still thinks, guilt burning his throat on the way down, and feels like this longing will one day eat him whole.
- - -
It starts slow, like a bruise you don’t remember getting but then your skin is marred with purple and it only hurts more every time you try to touch it, only a slight twinge of unhappiness whenever Yamapi tells him he’s got somewhere else to be, he’s got someone else to see.
“Okay,” Jin will say happily, resentment pulling at his vocal cords. Come back, his mind whispers feebly, a plea that never reaches anyone’s ears.
Jin doesn’t know when it becomes this way, only that it does. He misses his best friend, that’s all, he chants in his heart like a mantra, and is satisfied until the next time. And there’s always a next time - that’s when Jin starts getting worried. He blames it on the lack of females in Johnny’s, blames it on Johnny’s stupid policy that doesn’t allow them to date, but it never changes a thing. He goes partying with his friends, sitting at bars where the girls are always beautiful and always willing to keep a secret (he’s Akanishi Jin, they’d do anything for him, they tell him. My name doesn’t mean a thing, he wants to say; would you still do this if I wasn’t?). The morning after, he never remembers their name, always throws away the hastily scribbled phone numbers, shrugs off the touches that skitter across his arms and pushes his palms into his eyes until he sees colors.
“I’m going to stop sleeping around,” he declares one day when drunk, Ryo, Yuu and Yamapi his witnesses.
“Whatever,” Ryo snorts, and Jin can see the disbelief in his eyes. Really, he wants to insist, but his tongue can’t exactly find the words.
“Good luck, Jin,” Yuu shrugs. This is what Jin likes about Yuu - Yuu doesn’t judge him, no matter what.
It’s Yamapi who laughs, long and fluid. He doesn’t say a word, but beckons Jin over to do their secret handshake. Jin does without a word, movements half drunk with alcohol and delirium.
Ryo snorts behind his back, and Jin thinks that maybe Ryo knows - Ryo’s always been good at knowing everything.
- - -
“What did you want to be when you were young?” Yamapi asks him, comfortably, and Jin thinks about how close Yamapi’s hand is and wonders if it’d be weird to close his fingers around it, if Yamapi wouldn’t mind or if he’d recoil in horror.
“I wanted to go to the sun,” Jin says finally, hand sliding slowly to where Yamapi’s is lying. “I wanted to be the first person to walk on the sun, Pi, until I was eight and someone told me I’d burn up if I tried.”
Yamapi smiles at him and touches their hands together once; Jin’s bumps to an awkward stop when Yamapi pats his hand. “Bakanishi,” he laughs, but fondly. He fixes a smile at the moon and Jin almost leans forward to touch that smile, to see if it tastes as beautiful as it looks.
Yamapi crosses his eyes at Jin, “Bakanishi, if you wanted to go to the sun, I’d go with you.”
“But you’d burn up,” Jin tells him, voice pitched low in a whine. “I wouldn’t want you to burn up.”
Yamapi smiles at him, beautiful crooked teeth and heavily lidded eyes, and replies. “We would burn up together, Jin, I don’t mind.”
Jin’s heart is beating uncomfortably fast and hopes Yamapi doesn’t notice when he holds out a pinky. “Promise?”
Yamapi’s laughing when he twines his pinky with Jin’s. “Promise.”
- - -
Kame’s upset when Jin leaves for Los Angeles and there’s nothing he can say to make it better, Koki stops talking to him except for polite niceties that don’t mean a thing, Junno wishes him luck and smiles for him one last time, Ueda tells Jin he’s proud of him and grins prettily but awkwardly, Ryo punches him gruffly on the shoulder and Yuu is excited. (“Excellent,” he says, grinning. “Have fun!”)
Their reactions are predictable; Jin is prepared for Koki and Kame’s disapproval, prepared for Junno’s good nature, prepared for Ueda’s blessings, prepared for Ryo’s brusqueness, prepared for Yuu’s approval. It’s Yamapi, though, who Jin tells first, Yamapi who Jin stands in front of, fidgeting awkwardly.
“I’ll be back soon,” he says quietly, desperately when Yamapi doesn’t say anything back.
“…why?” Yamapi asks, confusedly. “Why are you going to America, Jin? That’s more than five thousand miles away.”
Jin looks at Yamapi and tries to memorize every last feature, tries to memorize the way Yamapi’s hair is starting to curl at the ends, tries to memorize that pout that Yamapi makes when upset, tries to imbue enough of Yamapi into himself to last him six months. He takes in a breath, but lets it out. I’m doing the right thing, he reminds himself. I want to do this, I always have. This time, I’m doing it for myself.
He smiles at Yamapi and pulls him in a brief but bruising hug that bangs foreheads and hips and shoulders.
“America is five thousand miles closer to the sun,” he tells Yamapi when he lets go, and Yamapi rubs his shoulder and rubs his forehead and then nods.
“Okay, Jin,” Yamapi says and tries to smile (Jin memorizes that too), “come back soon, ne?”
- - -
Bakanishi, Yamapi starts his letters and emails, how are you?
Letters don’t come as often as emails but emails don’t come often anyways. Maybe twice a month Jin comes home to an email and he gets about three letters from Yamapi when he’s in Los Angeles. Ueda writes him more often and even Ryo writes once or twice. (Jin, Ryo’s first letter had read, please come back soon - Pi needs an outlet for his stupidity. Kamenashi’s almost unbearable.) He reads them like a starving man, desperate for a hidden message between the lines that’s not there. He loves Los Angeles, he really does. It’s refreshing to walk down the street without being mobbed; it’s refreshing to see faces more beautiful than his.
But he misses Japan and he misses Johnny’s Entertainment. I miss home, he writes back to Yamapi in the only postcard he sends, a picture of the sun beating down on the beach.
Jin, Yamapi had emailed back admonishingly. Home’s still here. You’re just there.
Home is always going to be here.
Emboldened, Jin sends an apology letter to both Kame and Koki - only Kame answers.
Come home soon, Kame’s letter tells him, I bet you’re really out of shape. There’s a drawing of an umbrella at the bottom of the letter, though, and Jin spends the whole day with a grin so large he feels his face might break. He even tucks the letter into his back pocket, and takes it out periodically during the day, touching the already worn corners and smoothing his fingers over the slightly-smeared umbrella.
Thank you, he writes back to Yamapi that night, thank you. Thank you thank you thank you, Pi, thank you so much.
He sends the email when he knows Yamapi is awake and sits back nervously. Five minutes later, and Yamapi is still not answering, Jin jumps up nervously and does a few pushups, surprised that his breathing comes much quicker now and then worries if maybe Kame’s right. The cheerful ding! of his inbox causes him to jump out of his stupor and he swears when he twists his wrist.
He closes his eyes before he clicks on his newest email and sits there, palms slightly damp. Giddiness rushes through his veins like alcohol and he grins when he sees what Yamapi has written.
I told you so.
Classes slide by faster, and Jin’s delighted that now his English is smoother, that he actually knows what conjunctions and prepositions are. For once in his life, Jin really regrets not finishing high school, especially when his classmates share high school stories about teachers and difficult lessons and Jin has nothing to contribute.
They ask him out to karaoke a few times because they don’t really know who Akanishi Jin or KAT-TUN is, and Jin finds this refreshing. He grins like an idiot every time his new tentative friends joke that maybe he’s too shy to sing, or that he can’t really sing at all.
“Okay,” he agrees the third time they ask him. “But I don’t think I want to sing, is that alright?”
“That’s fine,” they say, and shrug, punching his shoulder and cracking a few more jokes about stage fright.
Jin has a lot of fun that night and practically laughs himself sick; it doesn’t even matter anymore that this isn’t Yuu with his crooked grin or Ryo with his barbed remarks or Kame with his gentle laugh (he pretends the uncomfortable beating of his heart that spells out Yamapi’s name isn’t there). He feels guilty the next morning, as if he has betrayed someone, and sends out almost apologetic emails, nervous ramblings about nothing in general.
Stupid, Ryo emails back first. I hope you’re learning English and not too busy getting drunk. There is an awkwardly placed heart at the end of the sentence, almost as if left there by accident. KT-TUN sucks without you, is what Ryo ends the email with, and this is Ryo’s way of telling Jin he’s missed.
The rest of his emails all tell him the same thing. (Yuu actually writes him, Jin! You sound like you’re having fun. Don’t forget to get drunk for me, okay? Bye-bye. He writes the last phrase in English, and Jin tries not to laugh.) Jin sighs in relief and then worries if maybe he has a dependency problem - he seems to have a need for reassurance. He almost emails all of them again to ask if he does, but just as he’s in the middle of the email, he realizes what he’s doing, laughs at himself and goes to sleep.
Jin passes his English course with, well, not with flying colors, but he passes. He also does pretty well on his final exam, and he’s proud of himself. He sends an ecstatic email to Yamapi with lots of exclamations at the end without realizing it’s four in the morning in Japan and receives an annoyed but congratulatory text back, international fees be damned.
When are you coming back? Yamapi texts him five hours later when actually coherent.
Jin resists the urge to ask, When do you want me back? and settles for a Johnny decides.
I missed you, Jin. Jin gets an hour later, and stops breathing for a second. His heart beats uncomfortably fast and his fingers fumble the keypad awkwardly. (I love you, Yamapi, I love you I love you I love you.)
Yeah, he types back, finally. I’ve missed you too.
- - -
When Jin comes home (finally), he is both disappointed and relieved to fall into the same exact patterns with Yamapi. He’s happy, so happy that nothing has changed, especially since he wasn’t expecting anything to anyways, happy that apparently Yamapi is still Yamapi, even with shorter hair and a slightly brighter smile and that Yamapi doesn’t blame him at all for leaving though he should. (This sort of hurts, Jin feels, that Yamapi understands so well about him leaving.) Jin thinks, selfishly, that really, what he really wanted was for Yamapi to have missed him too. (Silly, he scolds himself, you’re not like that and Yamapi’s not like that and you know it.)
Kame doesn’t completely forgive him, but it’s still better than what the tabloids say. Koki is resentful when he comes back, but then again, they’re friends and they’ve been friends longer than Jin’s been in America, so it’s only a while before all is well again. It’s never really as bad as everyone thinks it is, albeit a little bit more awkward. But then again, he’s always thought, KAT-TUN’s never been as good as NEWS about things like this. (Not like they need to touch all the time to be friends - Jin’s just happy because he’s always comfortable with KAT-TUN.)
But it’s still Yamapi who he missed the most, and Yuu makes fun of him when they see each other. Jin thinks Yuu knows too, and his heart sort of sinks, what if Yamapi knows? but then Yuu shakes his head and looks apologetic; Jin is simultaneously relieved and crestfallen. He sleeps over at Yamapi’s apartment, just for old times’ sake, and tells him everything but the most important things.
“Ne, Jin,” Yamapi whispers, and curls a hand around Jin’s when they’re lying on the floor, tired from laughing (Jin refuses to acknowledge the hope in his heart). Jin resists the urge to press his lips to the corner of his best friend’s mouth (he keeps on telling himself that this is his best friend, he’s known him for forever and that he should know better than this), and nods.
“I missed you, you know,” Yamapi says, delightedly, and has to fight to keep the grin that’s curling his mouth. He loses the battle, and Jin looks up just as Yamapi looks over and Jin sees Yamapi’s beautifully crooked teeth and the stars in his eyes and Jin is thinking, fuck. Fuck. Screw it all, and pressing an open mouthed kiss to Yamapi’s bottom lip, air rushing from him in a hurried whisper. I love you, Yamapi, I love you I love you I love you.
Yamapi stills, closes his mouth, and hums a gentle question and Jin pulls back, eyes looking anywhere but at Yamapi.
He licks at his dry lips before he realizes that’s a bad idea - he can still taste Yamapi on him (he was right - Yamapi does taste as beautiful as he looks) and laughs nervously.
“I. I’m sorry? I’m sorry, Yamapi, I’m so sorry, please don’t be angry,” he says desperately, grasping for something to say, a pleading lilt in his voice, please forget that happened, please tell me you’re not angry. He settles his gaze on Yamapi’s hand, which he still hasn’t pulled back yet in horror or disgust, and curses his heart for the hope it keeps on pumping into his system like a drug.
Then Yamapi’s hands are disentangling from his and one is resting lightly, hesitantly at the nape of his neck while the other has found it’s way in Jin’s hair and suddenly, Yamapi is a little too close for comfort. He hesitates and Jin sucks in a thin breath, head light from lack of air. He looks up through trembling lashes at Yamapi, who’s biting his lip and then moving closer and then he’s so close Jin could kiss him (again, his traitorous heart beats.)
“I’m not angry,” Yamapi whispers, a cool rush of air against Jin’s dry lips. He hesitates again, though, and Jin feels like crying, he seriously thinks he’s going to cry, but then Yamapi is leaning forward and kisses the corner of Jin’s mouth (Jin stops breathing, he thinks that he’s going to die because he hasn’t been breathing all this time) and Jin really thinks he might just be crying. “I’m not,” Yamapi repeats, and smiles at him, a bright flash of teeth.
“Is this okay?” Yamapi asks him worriedly, when Jin is looking at him with suspiciously bright eyes.
“Yes,” Jin wants to shout, but settles for whispering instead and moves forward in a rustle of clothing, finally finally pressing his lips against Yamapi’s. He lets out his breath in a rush (he didn’t know he had been holding it), and reaches up to set his palms, slightly damp, against Yamapi’s face, running a hesitant tongue along those beautiful crooked teeth he doesn’t know when he started falling in love with.
“Yes,” he whispers again, and is surprised to find a tear clinging to his eyelashes. Yamapi leans forward to press another languid open-mouthed kiss against his lips and sits back, grinning.
“Why are you crying, Bakanishi?” Yamapi asks, fingers drawing lazy circles on the back of Jin’s neck. He kisses a gentle trail to the corner of Jin’s eye and Jin’s heart feels like it’s going to beat itself out of his chest.
Jin pulls Yamapi in for another bruising kiss, teeth scraping at every inch of his mouth that Jin can find, and thinks giddily, mine mine mine. It’s quiet, shallow breathing for a few minutes until Jin hisses when Yamapi bites down on his collarbone and he remembers that Yamapi is still waiting for an answer.
Jin smiles at Yamapi and presses a kiss to each of his knuckles like they are beautiful things (they are) before answering against Yamapi’s mouth, “you promised to go to the sun with me.”
Yamapi laughs deep in his throat, amused, and whispers in Jin’s ear.
“You wanted to go alone, Jin. But this is home and I’m always going to be here.”
[end.]
That was long.
Title: Pieces of the Sun
Author: inevitabilityy
Rating: PG-13 for language and awkward boy!kissing.
Pairings/Characters: Akanishi Jin/Yamashita Tomohisa, KAT-TUN, Nishikido Ryo and Shirota Yuu.
Word Count: 3022.
Disclaimer: These are not my boys, nor do I own Johnny's Entertainment.
Notes: The Pin that I promised trangai. akdklhgjhs oh darling ♥ I hope it measures up to what you were hoping for. I am not completely satisfied with the ending and also I am so insanely tired, but ILU ♥
Summary: "I wanted to be the first person to walk on the sun," Jin confesses, "until I was eight and someone told me I'd burn up if I did." Jin is selfish; he's always been.
It’s always Yamapi who makes him feel this way; it’s Yamapi who makes everyone feel this way.
“Best friends!” Yamapi will shout with his fist pumped, or type excitedly in his jweb, a thousand perky red hearts and exclamation marks after the phrase, and Jin just can’t help but feel that it doesn’t matter what Yamapi says - he’d believe anything that comes out of that mouth. But it’s not only him, it’s never only him. It’s always someone else too - Yuu or Ryo or sometimes Kame or anyone else, Yamapi loves everyone and everyone loves Yamapi.
I want you to myself, Jin will think selfishly sometimes (all the time): when Yamapi is told he’s joining NewS with Ryo and without Toma (or Jin), when Yamapi and Yuu go to the movies without him, when Yamapi stays the night at Ryo’s and whenever Jin reads Yamapi’s blog and realizes that slowly, Yamapi is falling in love with his band because Yamapi is easy (he’s always been) and will love anyone because his heart’s too full to do otherwise.
But I want you to love me, only me, Jin still thinks, guilt burning his throat on the way down, and feels like this longing will one day eat him whole.
- - -
It starts slow, like a bruise you don’t remember getting but then your skin is marred with purple and it only hurts more every time you try to touch it, only a slight twinge of unhappiness whenever Yamapi tells him he’s got somewhere else to be, he’s got someone else to see.
“Okay,” Jin will say happily, resentment pulling at his vocal cords. Come back, his mind whispers feebly, a plea that never reaches anyone’s ears.
Jin doesn’t know when it becomes this way, only that it does. He misses his best friend, that’s all, he chants in his heart like a mantra, and is satisfied until the next time. And there’s always a next time - that’s when Jin starts getting worried. He blames it on the lack of females in Johnny’s, blames it on Johnny’s stupid policy that doesn’t allow them to date, but it never changes a thing. He goes partying with his friends, sitting at bars where the girls are always beautiful and always willing to keep a secret (he’s Akanishi Jin, they’d do anything for him, they tell him. My name doesn’t mean a thing, he wants to say; would you still do this if I wasn’t?). The morning after, he never remembers their name, always throws away the hastily scribbled phone numbers, shrugs off the touches that skitter across his arms and pushes his palms into his eyes until he sees colors.
“I’m going to stop sleeping around,” he declares one day when drunk, Ryo, Yuu and Yamapi his witnesses.
“Whatever,” Ryo snorts, and Jin can see the disbelief in his eyes. Really, he wants to insist, but his tongue can’t exactly find the words.
“Good luck, Jin,” Yuu shrugs. This is what Jin likes about Yuu - Yuu doesn’t judge him, no matter what.
It’s Yamapi who laughs, long and fluid. He doesn’t say a word, but beckons Jin over to do their secret handshake. Jin does without a word, movements half drunk with alcohol and delirium.
Ryo snorts behind his back, and Jin thinks that maybe Ryo knows - Ryo’s always been good at knowing everything.
- - -
“What did you want to be when you were young?” Yamapi asks him, comfortably, and Jin thinks about how close Yamapi’s hand is and wonders if it’d be weird to close his fingers around it, if Yamapi wouldn’t mind or if he’d recoil in horror.
“I wanted to go to the sun,” Jin says finally, hand sliding slowly to where Yamapi’s is lying. “I wanted to be the first person to walk on the sun, Pi, until I was eight and someone told me I’d burn up if I tried.”
Yamapi smiles at him and touches their hands together once; Jin’s bumps to an awkward stop when Yamapi pats his hand. “Bakanishi,” he laughs, but fondly. He fixes a smile at the moon and Jin almost leans forward to touch that smile, to see if it tastes as beautiful as it looks.
Yamapi crosses his eyes at Jin, “Bakanishi, if you wanted to go to the sun, I’d go with you.”
“But you’d burn up,” Jin tells him, voice pitched low in a whine. “I wouldn’t want you to burn up.”
Yamapi smiles at him, beautiful crooked teeth and heavily lidded eyes, and replies. “We would burn up together, Jin, I don’t mind.”
Jin’s heart is beating uncomfortably fast and hopes Yamapi doesn’t notice when he holds out a pinky. “Promise?”
Yamapi’s laughing when he twines his pinky with Jin’s. “Promise.”
- - -
Kame’s upset when Jin leaves for Los Angeles and there’s nothing he can say to make it better, Koki stops talking to him except for polite niceties that don’t mean a thing, Junno wishes him luck and smiles for him one last time, Ueda tells Jin he’s proud of him and grins prettily but awkwardly, Ryo punches him gruffly on the shoulder and Yuu is excited. (“Excellent,” he says, grinning. “Have fun!”)
Their reactions are predictable; Jin is prepared for Koki and Kame’s disapproval, prepared for Junno’s good nature, prepared for Ueda’s blessings, prepared for Ryo’s brusqueness, prepared for Yuu’s approval. It’s Yamapi, though, who Jin tells first, Yamapi who Jin stands in front of, fidgeting awkwardly.
“I’ll be back soon,” he says quietly, desperately when Yamapi doesn’t say anything back.
“…why?” Yamapi asks, confusedly. “Why are you going to America, Jin? That’s more than five thousand miles away.”
Jin looks at Yamapi and tries to memorize every last feature, tries to memorize the way Yamapi’s hair is starting to curl at the ends, tries to memorize that pout that Yamapi makes when upset, tries to imbue enough of Yamapi into himself to last him six months. He takes in a breath, but lets it out. I’m doing the right thing, he reminds himself. I want to do this, I always have. This time, I’m doing it for myself.
He smiles at Yamapi and pulls him in a brief but bruising hug that bangs foreheads and hips and shoulders.
“America is five thousand miles closer to the sun,” he tells Yamapi when he lets go, and Yamapi rubs his shoulder and rubs his forehead and then nods.
“Okay, Jin,” Yamapi says and tries to smile (Jin memorizes that too), “come back soon, ne?”
- - -
Bakanishi, Yamapi starts his letters and emails, how are you?
Letters don’t come as often as emails but emails don’t come often anyways. Maybe twice a month Jin comes home to an email and he gets about three letters from Yamapi when he’s in Los Angeles. Ueda writes him more often and even Ryo writes once or twice. (Jin, Ryo’s first letter had read, please come back soon - Pi needs an outlet for his stupidity. Kamenashi’s almost unbearable.) He reads them like a starving man, desperate for a hidden message between the lines that’s not there. He loves Los Angeles, he really does. It’s refreshing to walk down the street without being mobbed; it’s refreshing to see faces more beautiful than his.
But he misses Japan and he misses Johnny’s Entertainment. I miss home, he writes back to Yamapi in the only postcard he sends, a picture of the sun beating down on the beach.
Jin, Yamapi had emailed back admonishingly. Home’s still here. You’re just there.
Home is always going to be here.
Emboldened, Jin sends an apology letter to both Kame and Koki - only Kame answers.
Come home soon, Kame’s letter tells him, I bet you’re really out of shape. There’s a drawing of an umbrella at the bottom of the letter, though, and Jin spends the whole day with a grin so large he feels his face might break. He even tucks the letter into his back pocket, and takes it out periodically during the day, touching the already worn corners and smoothing his fingers over the slightly-smeared umbrella.
Thank you, he writes back to Yamapi that night, thank you. Thank you thank you thank you, Pi, thank you so much.
He sends the email when he knows Yamapi is awake and sits back nervously. Five minutes later, and Yamapi is still not answering, Jin jumps up nervously and does a few pushups, surprised that his breathing comes much quicker now and then worries if maybe Kame’s right. The cheerful ding! of his inbox causes him to jump out of his stupor and he swears when he twists his wrist.
He closes his eyes before he clicks on his newest email and sits there, palms slightly damp. Giddiness rushes through his veins like alcohol and he grins when he sees what Yamapi has written.
I told you so.
Classes slide by faster, and Jin’s delighted that now his English is smoother, that he actually knows what conjunctions and prepositions are. For once in his life, Jin really regrets not finishing high school, especially when his classmates share high school stories about teachers and difficult lessons and Jin has nothing to contribute.
They ask him out to karaoke a few times because they don’t really know who Akanishi Jin or KAT-TUN is, and Jin finds this refreshing. He grins like an idiot every time his new tentative friends joke that maybe he’s too shy to sing, or that he can’t really sing at all.
“Okay,” he agrees the third time they ask him. “But I don’t think I want to sing, is that alright?”
“That’s fine,” they say, and shrug, punching his shoulder and cracking a few more jokes about stage fright.
Jin has a lot of fun that night and practically laughs himself sick; it doesn’t even matter anymore that this isn’t Yuu with his crooked grin or Ryo with his barbed remarks or Kame with his gentle laugh (he pretends the uncomfortable beating of his heart that spells out Yamapi’s name isn’t there). He feels guilty the next morning, as if he has betrayed someone, and sends out almost apologetic emails, nervous ramblings about nothing in general.
Stupid, Ryo emails back first. I hope you’re learning English and not too busy getting drunk. There is an awkwardly placed heart at the end of the sentence, almost as if left there by accident. KT-TUN sucks without you, is what Ryo ends the email with, and this is Ryo’s way of telling Jin he’s missed.
The rest of his emails all tell him the same thing. (Yuu actually writes him, Jin! You sound like you’re having fun. Don’t forget to get drunk for me, okay? Bye-bye. He writes the last phrase in English, and Jin tries not to laugh.) Jin sighs in relief and then worries if maybe he has a dependency problem - he seems to have a need for reassurance. He almost emails all of them again to ask if he does, but just as he’s in the middle of the email, he realizes what he’s doing, laughs at himself and goes to sleep.
Jin passes his English course with, well, not with flying colors, but he passes. He also does pretty well on his final exam, and he’s proud of himself. He sends an ecstatic email to Yamapi with lots of exclamations at the end without realizing it’s four in the morning in Japan and receives an annoyed but congratulatory text back, international fees be damned.
When are you coming back? Yamapi texts him five hours later when actually coherent.
Jin resists the urge to ask, When do you want me back? and settles for a Johnny decides.
I missed you, Jin. Jin gets an hour later, and stops breathing for a second. His heart beats uncomfortably fast and his fingers fumble the keypad awkwardly. (I love you, Yamapi, I love you I love you I love you.)
Yeah, he types back, finally. I’ve missed you too.
- - -
When Jin comes home (finally), he is both disappointed and relieved to fall into the same exact patterns with Yamapi. He’s happy, so happy that nothing has changed, especially since he wasn’t expecting anything to anyways, happy that apparently Yamapi is still Yamapi, even with shorter hair and a slightly brighter smile and that Yamapi doesn’t blame him at all for leaving though he should. (This sort of hurts, Jin feels, that Yamapi understands so well about him leaving.) Jin thinks, selfishly, that really, what he really wanted was for Yamapi to have missed him too. (Silly, he scolds himself, you’re not like that and Yamapi’s not like that and you know it.)
Kame doesn’t completely forgive him, but it’s still better than what the tabloids say. Koki is resentful when he comes back, but then again, they’re friends and they’ve been friends longer than Jin’s been in America, so it’s only a while before all is well again. It’s never really as bad as everyone thinks it is, albeit a little bit more awkward. But then again, he’s always thought, KAT-TUN’s never been as good as NEWS about things like this. (Not like they need to touch all the time to be friends - Jin’s just happy because he’s always comfortable with KAT-TUN.)
But it’s still Yamapi who he missed the most, and Yuu makes fun of him when they see each other. Jin thinks Yuu knows too, and his heart sort of sinks, what if Yamapi knows? but then Yuu shakes his head and looks apologetic; Jin is simultaneously relieved and crestfallen. He sleeps over at Yamapi’s apartment, just for old times’ sake, and tells him everything but the most important things.
“Ne, Jin,” Yamapi whispers, and curls a hand around Jin’s when they’re lying on the floor, tired from laughing (Jin refuses to acknowledge the hope in his heart). Jin resists the urge to press his lips to the corner of his best friend’s mouth (he keeps on telling himself that this is his best friend, he’s known him for forever and that he should know better than this), and nods.
“I missed you, you know,” Yamapi says, delightedly, and has to fight to keep the grin that’s curling his mouth. He loses the battle, and Jin looks up just as Yamapi looks over and Jin sees Yamapi’s beautifully crooked teeth and the stars in his eyes and Jin is thinking, fuck. Fuck. Screw it all, and pressing an open mouthed kiss to Yamapi’s bottom lip, air rushing from him in a hurried whisper. I love you, Yamapi, I love you I love you I love you.
Yamapi stills, closes his mouth, and hums a gentle question and Jin pulls back, eyes looking anywhere but at Yamapi.
He licks at his dry lips before he realizes that’s a bad idea - he can still taste Yamapi on him (he was right - Yamapi does taste as beautiful as he looks) and laughs nervously.
“I. I’m sorry? I’m sorry, Yamapi, I’m so sorry, please don’t be angry,” he says desperately, grasping for something to say, a pleading lilt in his voice, please forget that happened, please tell me you’re not angry. He settles his gaze on Yamapi’s hand, which he still hasn’t pulled back yet in horror or disgust, and curses his heart for the hope it keeps on pumping into his system like a drug.
Then Yamapi’s hands are disentangling from his and one is resting lightly, hesitantly at the nape of his neck while the other has found it’s way in Jin’s hair and suddenly, Yamapi is a little too close for comfort. He hesitates and Jin sucks in a thin breath, head light from lack of air. He looks up through trembling lashes at Yamapi, who’s biting his lip and then moving closer and then he’s so close Jin could kiss him (again, his traitorous heart beats.)
“I’m not angry,” Yamapi whispers, a cool rush of air against Jin’s dry lips. He hesitates again, though, and Jin feels like crying, he seriously thinks he’s going to cry, but then Yamapi is leaning forward and kisses the corner of Jin’s mouth (Jin stops breathing, he thinks that he’s going to die because he hasn’t been breathing all this time) and Jin really thinks he might just be crying. “I’m not,” Yamapi repeats, and smiles at him, a bright flash of teeth.
“Is this okay?” Yamapi asks him worriedly, when Jin is looking at him with suspiciously bright eyes.
“Yes,” Jin wants to shout, but settles for whispering instead and moves forward in a rustle of clothing, finally finally pressing his lips against Yamapi’s. He lets out his breath in a rush (he didn’t know he had been holding it), and reaches up to set his palms, slightly damp, against Yamapi’s face, running a hesitant tongue along those beautiful crooked teeth he doesn’t know when he started falling in love with.
“Yes,” he whispers again, and is surprised to find a tear clinging to his eyelashes. Yamapi leans forward to press another languid open-mouthed kiss against his lips and sits back, grinning.
“Why are you crying, Bakanishi?” Yamapi asks, fingers drawing lazy circles on the back of Jin’s neck. He kisses a gentle trail to the corner of Jin’s eye and Jin’s heart feels like it’s going to beat itself out of his chest.
Jin pulls Yamapi in for another bruising kiss, teeth scraping at every inch of his mouth that Jin can find, and thinks giddily, mine mine mine. It’s quiet, shallow breathing for a few minutes until Jin hisses when Yamapi bites down on his collarbone and he remembers that Yamapi is still waiting for an answer.
Jin smiles at Yamapi and presses a kiss to each of his knuckles like they are beautiful things (they are) before answering against Yamapi’s mouth, “you promised to go to the sun with me.”
Yamapi laughs deep in his throat, amused, and whispers in Jin’s ear.
“You wanted to go alone, Jin. But this is home and I’m always going to be here.”
[end.]
That was long.