Too much death lately.
I have been dealing with too much death lately. Two weeks ago my Grandmother died, it was devistating for my family, even if we have become closer because of it. But I just finished the hard part, and was starting to look forward to feeling a little normal/happy again. Phase two of the grieving process, yet today I was put back at square one.
Today I held my cat Bridget, while she was put to sleep by our vet. I felt her leave her body. It was quick, painless and peaceful. She was surrounded by people who loved her and a medical team who were very kind and empathetic. Its exactly how I would want her to go, hell its probably how I would like to go. Yet I still feel cut up inside, with the kind of wounds that don't bleed you out, but just cut you down until you figure out how to live with them. I accepted this cat hesitantly into my life 11 years ago. I didn't want to have to lose, and mourn another cat. But we got her and her brother. They were cute kittens- found with the rest of their litter- abandoned under the Brooklyn Bridge. For years I tried not to get too close, for years it was easy as I lived in Southern California, San Francisco, Philly, and Bangkok. But moving back to New York I saw them far more often, and I got close.
Life sucks sometimes, and death happens, usually far more often then we would like. But life isnt something we can resist or hide from. The good, the bad or the uncertain.
Its weird, her death has reminded me how much time has passed since 2010. As much as I wanted things to be unmoving- things still evolved. I don't know what to say about a bond with a cat that is noteworthy, besides the fact this one wormed her way into my heart despite all my resistance. So thats saying something. She was a smart, loving little kitty. I will miss her greatly, as she kept me empathetic during a time in my life when I tired to close everything else out. Which is what the last few years have been, but its also something I have been trying to change lately. So I knew I would have to move away soon anyway. But for tonight I am going to watch a movie and give her brother some extra cuddling.
Today I held my cat Bridget, while she was put to sleep by our vet. I felt her leave her body. It was quick, painless and peaceful. She was surrounded by people who loved her and a medical team who were very kind and empathetic. Its exactly how I would want her to go, hell its probably how I would like to go. Yet I still feel cut up inside, with the kind of wounds that don't bleed you out, but just cut you down until you figure out how to live with them. I accepted this cat hesitantly into my life 11 years ago. I didn't want to have to lose, and mourn another cat. But we got her and her brother. They were cute kittens- found with the rest of their litter- abandoned under the Brooklyn Bridge. For years I tried not to get too close, for years it was easy as I lived in Southern California, San Francisco, Philly, and Bangkok. But moving back to New York I saw them far more often, and I got close.
Life sucks sometimes, and death happens, usually far more often then we would like. But life isnt something we can resist or hide from. The good, the bad or the uncertain.
Its weird, her death has reminded me how much time has passed since 2010. As much as I wanted things to be unmoving- things still evolved. I don't know what to say about a bond with a cat that is noteworthy, besides the fact this one wormed her way into my heart despite all my resistance. So thats saying something. She was a smart, loving little kitty. I will miss her greatly, as she kept me empathetic during a time in my life when I tired to close everything else out. Which is what the last few years have been, but its also something I have been trying to change lately. So I knew I would have to move away soon anyway. But for tonight I am going to watch a movie and give her brother some extra cuddling.