Contemplating from a hilltop
On the night after I graduated from college, before leaving Southern California and my whole college life forever I stayed one night in this hotel near Claremont. The room was packed with my whole family and after a few hours I couldnt handle it and walked out to wander. I found myself at the back of the hotel with this dramatic almost cliche view of a valley of sparkling lights. I stood realizing if this was a TV show- this scene- this moment would be one of grand reflection of where I was and where I would be going. But I had none, as spectacular as the view was I was more in awe of the moment I was in rather than the place.
Over the last few days I have gone from having panic attacks, to the next day just feeling really depressed to today where I actually felt really positive. And I only realized now its because I have been trying to make myself feel better about this summer by trying to imagine what it was like any other year of my life, and if I was in NYC then try to do what I did then- to make myself happy. Today I was so depressed I had to drop all that, I just woke up and focused on the sun in the sky and the things I could do today. Like get a new credit card, plan a trip later this summer, ride my bike, relax in a coffee shop and walk the places I walk in my present.
When I stood upon that hill top in the beginning of another Summer and to another part of my life I saw everything I knew, everything I wanted- slipping away. I wanted a grad realization moment, and oddly enough I think I had that one tonight while walking to CVS. Thats- as alluring it is to want to live in happy memories or in perfect moments of our lives, especially when we see them ending- the hard truth is once they have passed there is nothing more we can do with them. We let go of what was not just because its what we are suppose to do, we really do it because we can only move forward when we deal with the present set in front of us. We can only be happy with the future when we realize there still is one to be found, and its probably going to take a little work to get there.
I may not be standing on that hilltop -but tonight at least- I do feel a little bit better.
Over the last few days I have gone from having panic attacks, to the next day just feeling really depressed to today where I actually felt really positive. And I only realized now its because I have been trying to make myself feel better about this summer by trying to imagine what it was like any other year of my life, and if I was in NYC then try to do what I did then- to make myself happy. Today I was so depressed I had to drop all that, I just woke up and focused on the sun in the sky and the things I could do today. Like get a new credit card, plan a trip later this summer, ride my bike, relax in a coffee shop and walk the places I walk in my present.
When I stood upon that hill top in the beginning of another Summer and to another part of my life I saw everything I knew, everything I wanted- slipping away. I wanted a grad realization moment, and oddly enough I think I had that one tonight while walking to CVS. Thats- as alluring it is to want to live in happy memories or in perfect moments of our lives, especially when we see them ending- the hard truth is once they have passed there is nothing more we can do with them. We let go of what was not just because its what we are suppose to do, we really do it because we can only move forward when we deal with the present set in front of us. We can only be happy with the future when we realize there still is one to be found, and its probably going to take a little work to get there.
I may not be standing on that hilltop -but tonight at least- I do feel a little bit better.