rps fic: and behind this door... (4/4) j2_everafter
door one, part one // door one, part two // door two, part one
"So anyway, I like you," Jensen says.
He uses the word 'love'.
"Could I have some time?" Jared says. Jensen's face kind of breaks Jared's heart, but--
That door. Every night Jensen closes it behind him, and he does it tonight, too. Even after all that, just leaves Jared waiting for him to come back.
****
Jensen had given Jared plenty of time. Enough for Jared to remember what it had been like to wait for that closet door to open. Enough to have made Lisa say, "Jesus, are you back to being a mopey bitch again?"
When Jensen finally showed up, hat in hand, excuses flying, Jared made sure to lock down details, a day and time for their first date. "The shitty thing is," Jared said, "you don't have a phone."
Jensen smirked, really relaxed for what seemed like the first time in a while. "Can you imagine if I did? Bitch, that cell would be blowin' up."
They're on for later tonight so Jared only half listens when Serge invites him out with the rest of the team after the game. "I can't," Jared says, pulling on a sweater in the locker room. "I'm meeting this guy."
Serge slams his locker closed. "Are you gay?"
"Don't beat me up," Jared says, throwing his arms in front of his face, and Serge snorts, says, "Fuck you."
Jared could make it more than a joke. Put a hand on Serge's shoulder and ask, "Would it be the worst fucking thing in the world?" But why make waves.
They head out into the night. Serge is talking about Brown, and leaving town and Jared makes noise where he's supposed to, claps hands with Serge when they separate to go to their respective cars. He's running early, actually; Jensen had promised to meet Jared at the address Jared had supplied at nine. Jared's not totally sure how Jensen's going to get there, but it's one of those things he's not supposed to press Jensen on, like Sully, or why Jensen hates the North Pole.
He leans against his car, takes a good look at the rec center. The glass walls around the pool going opaque as the lights snap off. Clouds, and wind, and a ringed moon promising rain.
For a split second, Jared thinks he sees eyes blinking at him from somewhere in the leaves of the tree closest to him.
He takes deep breaths, crosses his arms against the cold. This place: it could have been covered in ice at a time. Snow packed so tight it gleamed. And before that, ooze. Bubbling sludge and steam.
The ground beneath his feet is floating on liquid rock. And…there could be yetis. There could be ghosts. All kinds of things, hiding in the corners and shadows.
****
Jensen's already at the restaurant when Jared gets there. He's got a table against the wall, right under a curling poster of white walls and blue ocean: BEAUTIFUL SANTORINI.
"Nice place," Jensen says, and Jared laughs. He puts his hands in his pockets and takes the small space in all over again: fluorescent lighting, chipped tile, the overhead menu.
"Nothing but the best," Jared says, and Jensen grins, stands up. The two of them look at each other for a while, then Jared laughs again, wipes his palms on his jeans. "Do we go for a shake here, or?"
Jensen smiles. "We could do a hearty man-hug. Backslaps."
"Let's try that," and Jared leans in, puts his arms around Jensen's torso. Gives him a quick squeeze, nose dipping to brush against Jensen's ear.
Jensen doesn't meet his eyes when they let go. He puts his hands in his pockets, half-turns toward the cashier. "Should we order?" He glances over at Jared, smirks before adding, "You blush. That's sweet."
Jared smiles big at the cashier. "Yeah, I'll have the super-gyro. Extra onions. And extra tzatziki. Go ahead and make the whole thing as messy as possible. Just terrible."
****
When they sit down, Jared says, “It’s weird. I was starting to think you were only real inside my bedroom, you know? But here you are.”
Jensen leans back in his chair, hands hanging on to the side of the table. “I know what you mean.”
Mostly it goes well, after that, until Jensen asks Jared where he's going to school in the fall.
"Austin, probably," Jared says.
"Yeah?"
Jared nods, wipes some sauce from the corner of his mouth with his thumb. "Yup. Looked over the dorms last week with Lisa. I think I could see myself there."
"You want to live in the dorms?" Jensen asks.
"Were you planning on moving me into your nonexistent apartment?" Jared jokes.
Jensen studies him from across the table. He leans back in his chair. "I'll have to live somewhere if I leave Monstropolis."
"Leave? Come on, Monstropolis is your home," Jared says and it comes out balder than Jared had intended. It feels like more than he’d wanted to say, and he’s not sure he wants to stand behind it, so he drops his eyes, drags a french fry through some ketchup, asks, "What movie do you want to see tonight?"
It takes Jensen a while to answer. "Something short," he says.
****
"If someone relocates to be with you, that's a big deal, right?" Jared asks Lisa.
"Jesus," Lisa says. She flips through the history textbook lazily. "I told you not to message that chick in Romania. Eastern Europe does not mess around."
"Message not received," Jared says.
She slaps the book closed, looks at Jared, chin on her palm. "I'm dating Joe College again," she says, her voice challenging.
****
"If someone moves to be closer to you--"
Serge holds up a hand. "Stop there."
"I'm not allowed to pick your Brown-attending brain?"
"I've already heard about the poll you're taking. We're eighteen. Unless you're filming a reality show for MTV, don't get married."
"I'm not getting married," Jared says.
Serge rolls his eyes. "Aren't you?" he asks. "Mail-order brides are for losers."
****
"If someone moves to be with you," Jared starts.
"Who are we talking about?" Brad asks. "Are you seriously carrying on some fucked-up online romance behind my back?"
"No," Jared says. "It's hypothetical."
"Why the sudden curiosity about the stratagems behind dating?" Katie asks. "Jesus, graduation practice could not be more boring," she adds, squinting down at the vice principal yelling up into the bleachers.
"It's my brother," Jared says. He digs under his fingernails.
"Jeff's got a girlfriend?" Brad asks.
"Yeah," Jared says. "They met at an away game. And now she's thinking about transferring schools for him."
"Jesus," Brad says. "Seems kind of fast, don't you think?"
Katie pulls her hair off her neck, twists it up into a knot that she holds to the back of her head. "I don't."
Brad sighs, taps Jared's side with his elbow, looking for back-up."You've gotta be at least late-twenties before you lock yourself down," he says, not looking at Katie.
Katie lets out a short, annoyed laugh. "Wow. That's interesting."
Jared leans away, shades his eyes with one hand to get a better look at nothing.
"Fuck, Katie," Brad says.
“What?” she says.
"You're too goddamn smart to want to be an army wife, right? Tell me you're at least that smart."
"Shut the fuck up, okay, Brad?"
Jared stretches, shifts a few inches away. "Oh, man," he says to himself. "My back aches."
"We're teenagers!" Brad says.
Katie glares at him. "Does it matter? Whatever. I hear you loud and clear."
****
Here's this one thing: Jensen cops this attitude, this sort of embarrassed shiftiness that's simultaneously hilarious and flattering, where he just looks Jared up and down.
Jared can't help it. He thinks of Brad, the way he says at the beginning of every new year, "Damn, every year the freshman get fresher."
"Skeeze," Jared says to Jensen, grinning.
****
For their fifth date, Jensen comes to one of Jared's water polo games.
At the end, Jared drags himself out of the water, worn out, and catches the towel Serge tosses at him. He walks over to Jensen, drying off, says, "So?"
Jensen stares up at the ceiling, hands behind his back. "You look good out there."
Jared laughs. "You can ogle me if you want."
Jensen snorts. He meets Jared's eyes deliberately, raises a brow. "Where are all your friends?"
Jared shrugs. "They don't always come out."
"Ah," Jensen says. "Imaginary friends aren’t the most reliable. Monsters, Inc. might be acquiring that contingent, I can give them a talking to."
"Smart mouth."
Jensen dips his head, modest.
Jared laughs, heads to the locker room.
"You still in the mood for milkshakes?" Jensen calls after him.
"Yep," Jared says. He turns, walks backwards. "And for the record, my imaginary friend was a T-Rex. Little arms, big teeth. Be on the lookout."
****
They walk through the drive-thru at Jack in the Box. Jensen's lifted his straw out, sucking an Oreo chunk out from the bottom of it, clearing the blockage. He catches Jared looking at him, holds the shake out. "You want some?" he asks.
"No, I'm good," Jared says.
"Are you sure?" He's still offering it over. He's wearing that blue sweater Jared likes. The one that sheds everywhere, flyaway threads.
"Can I just say something?"
Jensen nods. "Shoot. If you're complimenting me, start with my hair. I've got good hair."
Jared smiles. "I still feel bad about our shitty first date." He looks down, kicks at the crumbling asphalt of the parking lot. "I hope you know-I mean, you're important to me. Okay? I don't want to keep my distance from you."
"Are you sure?" Jensen's voice is quiet.
Jared looks at him. "Yeah. I just got...you know. Freaked out."
Jensen nods. "Okay." He lets out a slow, shaky exhale. He shakes his head, smiling carefully. "You hold all the cards. You know that, right? I laid out everything I've got."
"I hear you." Jared wraps his fingers in Jensen's sweater, the soft fur of it. "We can move in if you want," he jokes.
Jensen huffs out a laugh.
"What? Too fast?" Jared grins. "You think I'm loose, don't you?"
"It's in the swing of your hips," Jensen says.
****
Jared thinks that night is probably why, when Jensen's note comes flying under his door, it's easy to write 'Stay'.
He paces the room until morning, thanks God that it's a weekend and calls in sick to work, lets all his phone calls go to voicemail.
He'd tear out the pages of every one of his books if that would make time go faster. He'd rip the door off its hinges.
When the door does finally swing open, Jared jumps to his feet, the blood rushing into his hands hanging heavy at his sides. He feels like he could throw up a few times. Jensen's face is pale, his shoulders an unbroken bar, and when he spins back to toss the door open again before less than a second’s passed, Jared's stomach sinks at how quickly he'd changed his mind.
There's nothing to go back to, though. Just hangers.
"Are you okay?" Jared asks, and when Jensen comes to him, he holds Jensen tight, tells him it's not a pussy move if he wants to cry.
****
Jensen gets an apartment out in Austin, drives back to see Jared on the weekends. Jared had made Brad help them move Jensen in, and while the two of them were carrying Jensen’s couch, Brad asked, "Is this guy legit?"
He looked so serious that Jared stifled his chuckle as they carefully lowered the couch. Nodded. "He's good."
“Alright.” Brad sighed, crossed his arms over his chest. "I'm in South Carolina the day after graduation."
Jared put a hand high on Brad's arm, squeezed. "I know," he said.
"Katie broke up with me."
"I know that, too," and when Jared hugged him, Brad squeezed back, hard.
Brad went downstairs to feed the meter just as Jensen came through the door with a lamp under his arm, and Jared turned to Jensen, wiping at his eyes.
"It's dusty in here," Jensen said.
Jared smiled, shoved his hands deep into his pockets. He looked around the studio. "You didn't bring back much stuff," he said.
"Yeah," Jensen said. He looked around the studio, too. "I wasn't allowed to. I wasn't supposed to," he amends.
****
Jensen comes to the graduation party. Jared introduces him to Serge, but Jensen needs to use the bathroom so he goes looking pretty quick.
"Who was that?" Serge asks. "Cousin?"
"No, dude," Jared says, and Serge takes the measure of him, then purses his lips, says, "I'm gonna get another beer."
Jared can't think about that right now, so he scans the room for familiar faces. Brad's home packing, so Katie's shown up, and she waves at Jared from across the room but doesn't come too close.
"She's licking her wounds," Lisa says, appearing at Jared's side.
Jared smiles huge at her, wraps her up in his arms, lifts her off her feet. "Congratulations, graduate," he says.
"You, too." Her smile back at him is a little forced. "Serge says you brought a guy."
"Yeah? He’s not wrong." Jared swallows. "I did."
She looks at his chest, bites at her cheek before saying, "So…did you know? That I had a thing for you?"
"Lisa," Jared says. Fuck. He reaches for her, but she shrugs him off.
She runs a hand through her hair. "You could have spared me a little heartbreak is all." She laughs, then looks away, rolling her eyes at herself.
****
He gets really drunk that night. Upstairs, in Cathy de la Cruz's bathroom, Jared throws up into the toilet. He's gargling when he says to his reflection, "Shit. I have no fucking friends."
"You have me," Rex says, dinosaur teeth snapping, and Jared groans, throws up again. He’s pushing the limits of his inebriation.
Jensen bursts in then. He grimaces, then reaches for Jared, guides him back to the sink. "There goes my sexual attraction to you," he says.
Jared wipes his mouth with a hand towel. "Hang on," he says, "I'll put on my Speedo."
****
College is as awesome as it is insane. Jared's learned to roll with the punches, but there's so much shit going on that he feels like he's buffeted from all sides, careening from classroom to house party to intramural sports without time to breathe.
Here's his favorite thing. If he had to pin it down to one:
It's a big campus--Jared knows from walking from the dorms to his bio lab--but there have been a few times already, where he's come across Jensen. Unplanned, without all the frustration of looking for overlapping space in their schedules.
Like once, Jared was coming out of the gym and Jensen was sitting at a table next to the sandwich cart outside, book in hand, legs crossed at the ankles. And another time, Jensen walked out of the bookstore with his backpack slung over his shoulder, talking to someone who had to be a professor, right when Jared looked up from locking his bike. And this other time, Jensen was lying on the grass, head pillowed on his arms, dark sunglasses over his eyes, iPod buds in his ears.
Every time, Jared would jog over, press a kiss to Jensen's cheek, and Jensen would startle, then grin. "Dude," he'd say. "Warn a guy," but he'd still look really happy to see Jared.
Jared thinks it's nice to know that they live in a world where that's possible. It's almost a relief, to catch sight of him; to know out of sight doesn't mean gone.
That's probably his favorite thing. Who knows how many more times it'll happen.
****
Admittedly, college is more than Jared had expected. More everything. He makes a lot of new friends--the dorms are designed for it--and Jensen keeps busy, too, catching up with credits, going out for drinks with the grad students in his department.
Jared's juggling shit pretty well, he thinks. Sure he's lost his dorm room key more than a few times already, and he's hanging by a thread in Peterson's class, but those are reparable problems. And he's only come back to his dorm room to find Jensen waiting for a meet-up he'd forgotten twice.
The second time had been the opposite of great. Jensen stood up, scrubbed his hands through his hair, and said, "Fuck, Jared."
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Jared said.
"I hate feeling like a chick stood up for her prom, dude."
Jared sighed. "I mean, getting burritos isn't exactly prom. Less dancing for one. More beans for another."
Jensen grabbed his book bag, pulled it over his shoulder. Pressed the bridge of his nose with two fingers. "It's just a lot," he said, before walking out.
It's a really stupid event. "You can't really call it a fight," Jared insists the next morning, licking frosting off his fingers at Jensen's apartment, his offering of apology-donuts accepted.
****
Jared gets drunk quite a bit in college. Here's a thing he learns about having many, many beers: sometimes you see things.
For example, long-ago imaginary friends named Rex.
****
Jared goes back home for a weekend because Brad had called, told him he’d be in San Antonio, visiting his folks. Jensen calls while Jared’s driving, but Jared doesn’t stay on the line too long. He likes to keep both hands on the wheel.
It's nice, and strange to be home. The town feels depleted of familiar faces. Brad picks him up and they drive by the car wash. Brad gets his Buick hosed down for free, helps Jared nick a washcloth.
They go back to the elementary school one night, compete to see who can swing the highest. Brad wins, and when he's done crowing about it, Jared asks, "Do you ever talk to Katie?"
Brad takes a drag off his cigarette. "Nope. Serge called me, a couple weeks back."
"Yeah?"
"You two fight or something?"
Jared shakes his head. "Not really. He texted me on his birthday." Jared sighs. "Hey. Did Jensen seem off to you the last time you were in Austin?
“I don’t really know the guy.”
“I guess.” Jared drags his feet across the sand, leaving long, swooping lines.
"You like him a lot," Brad says.
"Yeah."
"What I’m saying is…" Brad shrugs. "You keep acting like that's where it stops."
Jared snaps his head up, meets Brad’s eyes. "Fuck you."
Brad drops the cigarette into the sand below him, stamps it out with his foot. "Jesus," he says. "Let's get out of here."
****
The next morning, Jared wakes up to this: "Morning, sailor."
When he opens his eyes, he sees Rex, little arms raised, at the foot of his bed.
"Surprise," Rex says. "I'm more than a figment of your childhood imagination. Are you shocked?"
Jared groans, let his eyes close again. "There were clues." It never lets up. As if Jared needs one more thing just real enough to doubt.
****
He goes home again for his mom's birthday, and when Rex shows up in his bedroom, he hands him another letter. "I don't get why they need a middleman to keep tabs on their boy," Jared says.
"Imaginary Friends Ltd. is newly under their management. I don't get my pick of the litter in terms of assignments."
"If your bosses want to know what Jensen's up to so bad, they should open a door. How hard is that?"
Rex looks up. "You don't get what it means to leave Monstropolis, do you?" Jared raises an eyebrow and Rex shakes his head. "You got taller, but I'm not sure you got much smarter since you were six."
Jared frowns. "I remember you being lovable.”
"Jensen's out for good," Rex says. "The CDA go whole hog, all ties severed, banished the way Communist Russia used to do it. It's a risk that I'm even ferrying letters, and the only reason they can do that is because of all the degrees of separation. That plus the fact that things are still up in the air with the merger. It’s not just Sully running himself into the ground finding a place for all our people."
It makes so much sense. Those were answers to questions Jared probably should have already asked, conclusions he should have drawn. "So there's no going back." A dawning in Jared’s chest; untamed, rustling things going calm at its warm touch.
Rex snorts. "Hope you're worth it."
****
Jared drives back to Austin the next morning, finds Jensen in the shower. He can't stop looking at him.
Jared tells him, “I love you.” He says it because he’s sure. The two of them under a sun that will burn for billions of years longer.
****
In bed, Jared pulls the covers over both their heads, kisses Jensen. Jensen groans against Jared’s lips, tries to pull the blankets back down. "I can't breathe," he says.
Jared laughs, tugs the comforter down so Jensen is free, but he stays under, presses his ear to Jensen's heart. "Hey," he says. "Do you miss home? Do you miss them?"
Jensen goes stiff. His heart beating steady.
"You don't have to talk about it," Jared says.
Jensen sighs, a hand curling around Jared's neck. "I didn't--" he starts. "I didn't think it would be so permanent, losing them."
Jared holds his hand.
"Sully's getting really old," Jensen says. "And I left him in a lurch." He squeezes Jared's fingers. "There was capitalist heartlessness to attend to. Guilds, and suits." His laugh drifts off. "I wonder a lot. If he's okay."
"I bet he is," Jared says.
"Everything happened so damn fast. I hope he wasn't too sad," Jensen says. He takes in a ragged breath. "When I left."
Jared shoves the comforter aside, comes up for air. He turns Jensen's face to him, slides his lips across Jensen's.
Let everybody love you, Jared thinks, but let me love you best.
****
"I just asked him to come home with me," Jared tells his sister over dinner.
"After telling me I had no better options," Jensen says.
Jared chews with his mouth open. "It was a very sweet and tender invitation," he agrees.
****
Jensen falls asleep exhausted, late that night. Jared doesn't blame him. When Jensen had thrown open the closet door, Jared had hoped, you know? Hoped, that Rex had delivered his letter and that it had gotten through. That the time and date wouldn't be ignored. That the rules might bend just once, for Jensen to have another chance to see Sully, and Mike, and home.
But Jensen turned back around, framed by the junk in Jared's closet; and even bracing himself, Jared faltered a little at the look on Jensen's face. The dented smile.
"I'm an idiot," Jensen had said, and Jared had said, "If you're an idiot, so am I," without thinking. Came up with something just off the truth: "I shove a letter under that door every time I come home."
"Yeah?" Jensen laughed. "Saying what?"
"Just some stuff." He’d smiled up at Jensen’s abruptly serious face, sad and fond. He wanted to fix the places Jensen had cracked, felt helpless to do it.
But Jensen hadn't stopped looking at him, and Jared squirmed under his gaze, confused at the growing warmth of it. He'd half gotten up, drawn to the light on Jensen's face, when Jensen tackled him onto the bed, called, "Of all the doors."
Whatever that meant, but Jared smiled, touched Jensen's face, and when Jensen asked him if he was scared, he was. That feeling, deep in every crevice, in his tips and peaks.
****
The closet door opens, and Jared's eyes snap open with it. Jensen is dead to the world, and when Jared glances out the window, he sees the sky gray and hazy with beginning light.
When Jared sees who it is, he sighs. "So they said no?"
Rex taps his claws together, sad and anxious. "The CDA's strict. There was no way they were going to let things slide."
Jared nods. "I know." He swallows. "You warned me."
"That said--" Rex begins.
"That said," a voice says from behind him. "What they don’t know won’t hurt them. You'll understand why this should probably remain our little secret." A monster! This blue and purple beast with horns, and teeth, and eyes.
Sully grips the doorjamb with one paw, stretches to look past Rex. Those eyes warm and shining as he stares at the pile under the covers next to Jared, whispers, "Is that Jensen?"
Jared nods, turns to look down at him. He puts a hand on Jensen's cheek. "Jensen," he says.
He’ll be really happy, Jared thinks, clearing the damp from his throat. "Jensen, wake up."
****
One last thing.
Jared, this one afternoon, he got high, crazy high, soaring on bud, and he was sprawled across a couch in Jensen's apartment, and Jensen burst out of the bathroom, bouncing a little as he zipped up his fly.
Jensen frowned at the reek in the room, but he came over to Jared, lifted Jared's head up and sat so Jared could lie back in Jensen's lap.
"I've been thinking," Jared said.
Jensen laughed. "Hm. And smoking. Can you see God in the coils of my energy-efficient light bulbs?"
"Not today."
Jensen rubbed a finger along Jared's left eyebrow. "Is Rex around?"
"No," Jared said.
"Alright, well. I'm ready. Your drug-fueled philosophy," Jensen said. "Lay it on me."
But it was hard to put into words.
Like. Yesterday, Jared overheard some frat dudes playing 'I Never', and one guy said, "I've never fucked a redhead," and Jared thought of Lisa without meaning to. She just sprang up in his mind. She didn't even have red hair.
And sometimes he'll look at Jensen and think, ‘I know your happiest face’. All the smiles Jensen had carried coalescing into one nova of light as he said, "Sully, this is Jared."
And while Jensen was in the bathroom, Jared got a text from Serge, and it said, "shit, time flies," but Jared doesn't think it does, you know? It's just enough to keep pace with, to find new ways to save the things you want to keep.
"Well?" Jensen asks, drawing rings on Jared's skin with his thumb.
Jared sighs. "It's nothing." He turns his face into Jensen's stomach, puts a hand just inside Jensen's shirt. "I'm going to buy you a blue sweater," he says.
The End.
"So anyway, I like you," Jensen says.
He uses the word 'love'.
"Could I have some time?" Jared says. Jensen's face kind of breaks Jared's heart, but--
That door. Every night Jensen closes it behind him, and he does it tonight, too. Even after all that, just leaves Jared waiting for him to come back.
****
Jensen had given Jared plenty of time. Enough for Jared to remember what it had been like to wait for that closet door to open. Enough to have made Lisa say, "Jesus, are you back to being a mopey bitch again?"
When Jensen finally showed up, hat in hand, excuses flying, Jared made sure to lock down details, a day and time for their first date. "The shitty thing is," Jared said, "you don't have a phone."
Jensen smirked, really relaxed for what seemed like the first time in a while. "Can you imagine if I did? Bitch, that cell would be blowin' up."
They're on for later tonight so Jared only half listens when Serge invites him out with the rest of the team after the game. "I can't," Jared says, pulling on a sweater in the locker room. "I'm meeting this guy."
Serge slams his locker closed. "Are you gay?"
"Don't beat me up," Jared says, throwing his arms in front of his face, and Serge snorts, says, "Fuck you."
Jared could make it more than a joke. Put a hand on Serge's shoulder and ask, "Would it be the worst fucking thing in the world?" But why make waves.
They head out into the night. Serge is talking about Brown, and leaving town and Jared makes noise where he's supposed to, claps hands with Serge when they separate to go to their respective cars. He's running early, actually; Jensen had promised to meet Jared at the address Jared had supplied at nine. Jared's not totally sure how Jensen's going to get there, but it's one of those things he's not supposed to press Jensen on, like Sully, or why Jensen hates the North Pole.
He leans against his car, takes a good look at the rec center. The glass walls around the pool going opaque as the lights snap off. Clouds, and wind, and a ringed moon promising rain.
For a split second, Jared thinks he sees eyes blinking at him from somewhere in the leaves of the tree closest to him.
He takes deep breaths, crosses his arms against the cold. This place: it could have been covered in ice at a time. Snow packed so tight it gleamed. And before that, ooze. Bubbling sludge and steam.
The ground beneath his feet is floating on liquid rock. And…there could be yetis. There could be ghosts. All kinds of things, hiding in the corners and shadows.
****
Jensen's already at the restaurant when Jared gets there. He's got a table against the wall, right under a curling poster of white walls and blue ocean: BEAUTIFUL SANTORINI.
"Nice place," Jensen says, and Jared laughs. He puts his hands in his pockets and takes the small space in all over again: fluorescent lighting, chipped tile, the overhead menu.
"Nothing but the best," Jared says, and Jensen grins, stands up. The two of them look at each other for a while, then Jared laughs again, wipes his palms on his jeans. "Do we go for a shake here, or?"
Jensen smiles. "We could do a hearty man-hug. Backslaps."
"Let's try that," and Jared leans in, puts his arms around Jensen's torso. Gives him a quick squeeze, nose dipping to brush against Jensen's ear.
Jensen doesn't meet his eyes when they let go. He puts his hands in his pockets, half-turns toward the cashier. "Should we order?" He glances over at Jared, smirks before adding, "You blush. That's sweet."
Jared smiles big at the cashier. "Yeah, I'll have the super-gyro. Extra onions. And extra tzatziki. Go ahead and make the whole thing as messy as possible. Just terrible."
****
When they sit down, Jared says, “It’s weird. I was starting to think you were only real inside my bedroom, you know? But here you are.”
Jensen leans back in his chair, hands hanging on to the side of the table. “I know what you mean.”
Mostly it goes well, after that, until Jensen asks Jared where he's going to school in the fall.
"Austin, probably," Jared says.
"Yeah?"
Jared nods, wipes some sauce from the corner of his mouth with his thumb. "Yup. Looked over the dorms last week with Lisa. I think I could see myself there."
"You want to live in the dorms?" Jensen asks.
"Were you planning on moving me into your nonexistent apartment?" Jared jokes.
Jensen studies him from across the table. He leans back in his chair. "I'll have to live somewhere if I leave Monstropolis."
"Leave? Come on, Monstropolis is your home," Jared says and it comes out balder than Jared had intended. It feels like more than he’d wanted to say, and he’s not sure he wants to stand behind it, so he drops his eyes, drags a french fry through some ketchup, asks, "What movie do you want to see tonight?"
It takes Jensen a while to answer. "Something short," he says.
****
"If someone relocates to be with you, that's a big deal, right?" Jared asks Lisa.
"Jesus," Lisa says. She flips through the history textbook lazily. "I told you not to message that chick in Romania. Eastern Europe does not mess around."
"Message not received," Jared says.
She slaps the book closed, looks at Jared, chin on her palm. "I'm dating Joe College again," she says, her voice challenging.
****
"If someone moves to be closer to you--"
Serge holds up a hand. "Stop there."
"I'm not allowed to pick your Brown-attending brain?"
"I've already heard about the poll you're taking. We're eighteen. Unless you're filming a reality show for MTV, don't get married."
"I'm not getting married," Jared says.
Serge rolls his eyes. "Aren't you?" he asks. "Mail-order brides are for losers."
****
"If someone moves to be with you," Jared starts.
"Who are we talking about?" Brad asks. "Are you seriously carrying on some fucked-up online romance behind my back?"
"No," Jared says. "It's hypothetical."
"Why the sudden curiosity about the stratagems behind dating?" Katie asks. "Jesus, graduation practice could not be more boring," she adds, squinting down at the vice principal yelling up into the bleachers.
"It's my brother," Jared says. He digs under his fingernails.
"Jeff's got a girlfriend?" Brad asks.
"Yeah," Jared says. "They met at an away game. And now she's thinking about transferring schools for him."
"Jesus," Brad says. "Seems kind of fast, don't you think?"
Katie pulls her hair off her neck, twists it up into a knot that she holds to the back of her head. "I don't."
Brad sighs, taps Jared's side with his elbow, looking for back-up."You've gotta be at least late-twenties before you lock yourself down," he says, not looking at Katie.
Katie lets out a short, annoyed laugh. "Wow. That's interesting."
Jared leans away, shades his eyes with one hand to get a better look at nothing.
"Fuck, Katie," Brad says.
“What?” she says.
"You're too goddamn smart to want to be an army wife, right? Tell me you're at least that smart."
"Shut the fuck up, okay, Brad?"
Jared stretches, shifts a few inches away. "Oh, man," he says to himself. "My back aches."
"We're teenagers!" Brad says.
Katie glares at him. "Does it matter? Whatever. I hear you loud and clear."
****
Here's this one thing: Jensen cops this attitude, this sort of embarrassed shiftiness that's simultaneously hilarious and flattering, where he just looks Jared up and down.
Jared can't help it. He thinks of Brad, the way he says at the beginning of every new year, "Damn, every year the freshman get fresher."
"Skeeze," Jared says to Jensen, grinning.
****
For their fifth date, Jensen comes to one of Jared's water polo games.
At the end, Jared drags himself out of the water, worn out, and catches the towel Serge tosses at him. He walks over to Jensen, drying off, says, "So?"
Jensen stares up at the ceiling, hands behind his back. "You look good out there."
Jared laughs. "You can ogle me if you want."
Jensen snorts. He meets Jared's eyes deliberately, raises a brow. "Where are all your friends?"
Jared shrugs. "They don't always come out."
"Ah," Jensen says. "Imaginary friends aren’t the most reliable. Monsters, Inc. might be acquiring that contingent, I can give them a talking to."
"Smart mouth."
Jensen dips his head, modest.
Jared laughs, heads to the locker room.
"You still in the mood for milkshakes?" Jensen calls after him.
"Yep," Jared says. He turns, walks backwards. "And for the record, my imaginary friend was a T-Rex. Little arms, big teeth. Be on the lookout."
****
They walk through the drive-thru at Jack in the Box. Jensen's lifted his straw out, sucking an Oreo chunk out from the bottom of it, clearing the blockage. He catches Jared looking at him, holds the shake out. "You want some?" he asks.
"No, I'm good," Jared says.
"Are you sure?" He's still offering it over. He's wearing that blue sweater Jared likes. The one that sheds everywhere, flyaway threads.
"Can I just say something?"
Jensen nods. "Shoot. If you're complimenting me, start with my hair. I've got good hair."
Jared smiles. "I still feel bad about our shitty first date." He looks down, kicks at the crumbling asphalt of the parking lot. "I hope you know-I mean, you're important to me. Okay? I don't want to keep my distance from you."
"Are you sure?" Jensen's voice is quiet.
Jared looks at him. "Yeah. I just got...you know. Freaked out."
Jensen nods. "Okay." He lets out a slow, shaky exhale. He shakes his head, smiling carefully. "You hold all the cards. You know that, right? I laid out everything I've got."
"I hear you." Jared wraps his fingers in Jensen's sweater, the soft fur of it. "We can move in if you want," he jokes.
Jensen huffs out a laugh.
"What? Too fast?" Jared grins. "You think I'm loose, don't you?"
"It's in the swing of your hips," Jensen says.
****
Jared thinks that night is probably why, when Jensen's note comes flying under his door, it's easy to write 'Stay'.
He paces the room until morning, thanks God that it's a weekend and calls in sick to work, lets all his phone calls go to voicemail.
He'd tear out the pages of every one of his books if that would make time go faster. He'd rip the door off its hinges.
When the door does finally swing open, Jared jumps to his feet, the blood rushing into his hands hanging heavy at his sides. He feels like he could throw up a few times. Jensen's face is pale, his shoulders an unbroken bar, and when he spins back to toss the door open again before less than a second’s passed, Jared's stomach sinks at how quickly he'd changed his mind.
There's nothing to go back to, though. Just hangers.
"Are you okay?" Jared asks, and when Jensen comes to him, he holds Jensen tight, tells him it's not a pussy move if he wants to cry.
****
Jensen gets an apartment out in Austin, drives back to see Jared on the weekends. Jared had made Brad help them move Jensen in, and while the two of them were carrying Jensen’s couch, Brad asked, "Is this guy legit?"
He looked so serious that Jared stifled his chuckle as they carefully lowered the couch. Nodded. "He's good."
“Alright.” Brad sighed, crossed his arms over his chest. "I'm in South Carolina the day after graduation."
Jared put a hand high on Brad's arm, squeezed. "I know," he said.
"Katie broke up with me."
"I know that, too," and when Jared hugged him, Brad squeezed back, hard.
Brad went downstairs to feed the meter just as Jensen came through the door with a lamp under his arm, and Jared turned to Jensen, wiping at his eyes.
"It's dusty in here," Jensen said.
Jared smiled, shoved his hands deep into his pockets. He looked around the studio. "You didn't bring back much stuff," he said.
"Yeah," Jensen said. He looked around the studio, too. "I wasn't allowed to. I wasn't supposed to," he amends.
****
Jensen comes to the graduation party. Jared introduces him to Serge, but Jensen needs to use the bathroom so he goes looking pretty quick.
"Who was that?" Serge asks. "Cousin?"
"No, dude," Jared says, and Serge takes the measure of him, then purses his lips, says, "I'm gonna get another beer."
Jared can't think about that right now, so he scans the room for familiar faces. Brad's home packing, so Katie's shown up, and she waves at Jared from across the room but doesn't come too close.
"She's licking her wounds," Lisa says, appearing at Jared's side.
Jared smiles huge at her, wraps her up in his arms, lifts her off her feet. "Congratulations, graduate," he says.
"You, too." Her smile back at him is a little forced. "Serge says you brought a guy."
"Yeah? He’s not wrong." Jared swallows. "I did."
She looks at his chest, bites at her cheek before saying, "So…did you know? That I had a thing for you?"
"Lisa," Jared says. Fuck. He reaches for her, but she shrugs him off.
She runs a hand through her hair. "You could have spared me a little heartbreak is all." She laughs, then looks away, rolling her eyes at herself.
****
He gets really drunk that night. Upstairs, in Cathy de la Cruz's bathroom, Jared throws up into the toilet. He's gargling when he says to his reflection, "Shit. I have no fucking friends."
"You have me," Rex says, dinosaur teeth snapping, and Jared groans, throws up again. He’s pushing the limits of his inebriation.
Jensen bursts in then. He grimaces, then reaches for Jared, guides him back to the sink. "There goes my sexual attraction to you," he says.
Jared wipes his mouth with a hand towel. "Hang on," he says, "I'll put on my Speedo."
****
College is as awesome as it is insane. Jared's learned to roll with the punches, but there's so much shit going on that he feels like he's buffeted from all sides, careening from classroom to house party to intramural sports without time to breathe.
Here's his favorite thing. If he had to pin it down to one:
It's a big campus--Jared knows from walking from the dorms to his bio lab--but there have been a few times already, where he's come across Jensen. Unplanned, without all the frustration of looking for overlapping space in their schedules.
Like once, Jared was coming out of the gym and Jensen was sitting at a table next to the sandwich cart outside, book in hand, legs crossed at the ankles. And another time, Jensen walked out of the bookstore with his backpack slung over his shoulder, talking to someone who had to be a professor, right when Jared looked up from locking his bike. And this other time, Jensen was lying on the grass, head pillowed on his arms, dark sunglasses over his eyes, iPod buds in his ears.
Every time, Jared would jog over, press a kiss to Jensen's cheek, and Jensen would startle, then grin. "Dude," he'd say. "Warn a guy," but he'd still look really happy to see Jared.
Jared thinks it's nice to know that they live in a world where that's possible. It's almost a relief, to catch sight of him; to know out of sight doesn't mean gone.
That's probably his favorite thing. Who knows how many more times it'll happen.
****
Admittedly, college is more than Jared had expected. More everything. He makes a lot of new friends--the dorms are designed for it--and Jensen keeps busy, too, catching up with credits, going out for drinks with the grad students in his department.
Jared's juggling shit pretty well, he thinks. Sure he's lost his dorm room key more than a few times already, and he's hanging by a thread in Peterson's class, but those are reparable problems. And he's only come back to his dorm room to find Jensen waiting for a meet-up he'd forgotten twice.
The second time had been the opposite of great. Jensen stood up, scrubbed his hands through his hair, and said, "Fuck, Jared."
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Jared said.
"I hate feeling like a chick stood up for her prom, dude."
Jared sighed. "I mean, getting burritos isn't exactly prom. Less dancing for one. More beans for another."
Jensen grabbed his book bag, pulled it over his shoulder. Pressed the bridge of his nose with two fingers. "It's just a lot," he said, before walking out.
It's a really stupid event. "You can't really call it a fight," Jared insists the next morning, licking frosting off his fingers at Jensen's apartment, his offering of apology-donuts accepted.
****
Jared gets drunk quite a bit in college. Here's a thing he learns about having many, many beers: sometimes you see things.
For example, long-ago imaginary friends named Rex.
****
Jared goes back home for a weekend because Brad had called, told him he’d be in San Antonio, visiting his folks. Jensen calls while Jared’s driving, but Jared doesn’t stay on the line too long. He likes to keep both hands on the wheel.
It's nice, and strange to be home. The town feels depleted of familiar faces. Brad picks him up and they drive by the car wash. Brad gets his Buick hosed down for free, helps Jared nick a washcloth.
They go back to the elementary school one night, compete to see who can swing the highest. Brad wins, and when he's done crowing about it, Jared asks, "Do you ever talk to Katie?"
Brad takes a drag off his cigarette. "Nope. Serge called me, a couple weeks back."
"Yeah?"
"You two fight or something?"
Jared shakes his head. "Not really. He texted me on his birthday." Jared sighs. "Hey. Did Jensen seem off to you the last time you were in Austin?
“I don’t really know the guy.”
“I guess.” Jared drags his feet across the sand, leaving long, swooping lines.
"You like him a lot," Brad says.
"Yeah."
"What I’m saying is…" Brad shrugs. "You keep acting like that's where it stops."
Jared snaps his head up, meets Brad’s eyes. "Fuck you."
Brad drops the cigarette into the sand below him, stamps it out with his foot. "Jesus," he says. "Let's get out of here."
****
The next morning, Jared wakes up to this: "Morning, sailor."
When he opens his eyes, he sees Rex, little arms raised, at the foot of his bed.
"Surprise," Rex says. "I'm more than a figment of your childhood imagination. Are you shocked?"
Jared groans, let his eyes close again. "There were clues." It never lets up. As if Jared needs one more thing just real enough to doubt.
****
He goes home again for his mom's birthday, and when Rex shows up in his bedroom, he hands him another letter. "I don't get why they need a middleman to keep tabs on their boy," Jared says.
"Imaginary Friends Ltd. is newly under their management. I don't get my pick of the litter in terms of assignments."
"If your bosses want to know what Jensen's up to so bad, they should open a door. How hard is that?"
Rex looks up. "You don't get what it means to leave Monstropolis, do you?" Jared raises an eyebrow and Rex shakes his head. "You got taller, but I'm not sure you got much smarter since you were six."
Jared frowns. "I remember you being lovable.”
"Jensen's out for good," Rex says. "The CDA go whole hog, all ties severed, banished the way Communist Russia used to do it. It's a risk that I'm even ferrying letters, and the only reason they can do that is because of all the degrees of separation. That plus the fact that things are still up in the air with the merger. It’s not just Sully running himself into the ground finding a place for all our people."
It makes so much sense. Those were answers to questions Jared probably should have already asked, conclusions he should have drawn. "So there's no going back." A dawning in Jared’s chest; untamed, rustling things going calm at its warm touch.
Rex snorts. "Hope you're worth it."
****
Jared drives back to Austin the next morning, finds Jensen in the shower. He can't stop looking at him.
Jared tells him, “I love you.” He says it because he’s sure. The two of them under a sun that will burn for billions of years longer.
****
In bed, Jared pulls the covers over both their heads, kisses Jensen. Jensen groans against Jared’s lips, tries to pull the blankets back down. "I can't breathe," he says.
Jared laughs, tugs the comforter down so Jensen is free, but he stays under, presses his ear to Jensen's heart. "Hey," he says. "Do you miss home? Do you miss them?"
Jensen goes stiff. His heart beating steady.
"You don't have to talk about it," Jared says.
Jensen sighs, a hand curling around Jared's neck. "I didn't--" he starts. "I didn't think it would be so permanent, losing them."
Jared holds his hand.
"Sully's getting really old," Jensen says. "And I left him in a lurch." He squeezes Jared's fingers. "There was capitalist heartlessness to attend to. Guilds, and suits." His laugh drifts off. "I wonder a lot. If he's okay."
"I bet he is," Jared says.
"Everything happened so damn fast. I hope he wasn't too sad," Jensen says. He takes in a ragged breath. "When I left."
Jared shoves the comforter aside, comes up for air. He turns Jensen's face to him, slides his lips across Jensen's.
Let everybody love you, Jared thinks, but let me love you best.
****
"I just asked him to come home with me," Jared tells his sister over dinner.
"After telling me I had no better options," Jensen says.
Jared chews with his mouth open. "It was a very sweet and tender invitation," he agrees.
****
Jensen falls asleep exhausted, late that night. Jared doesn't blame him. When Jensen had thrown open the closet door, Jared had hoped, you know? Hoped, that Rex had delivered his letter and that it had gotten through. That the time and date wouldn't be ignored. That the rules might bend just once, for Jensen to have another chance to see Sully, and Mike, and home.
But Jensen turned back around, framed by the junk in Jared's closet; and even bracing himself, Jared faltered a little at the look on Jensen's face. The dented smile.
"I'm an idiot," Jensen had said, and Jared had said, "If you're an idiot, so am I," without thinking. Came up with something just off the truth: "I shove a letter under that door every time I come home."
"Yeah?" Jensen laughed. "Saying what?"
"Just some stuff." He’d smiled up at Jensen’s abruptly serious face, sad and fond. He wanted to fix the places Jensen had cracked, felt helpless to do it.
But Jensen hadn't stopped looking at him, and Jared squirmed under his gaze, confused at the growing warmth of it. He'd half gotten up, drawn to the light on Jensen's face, when Jensen tackled him onto the bed, called, "Of all the doors."
Whatever that meant, but Jared smiled, touched Jensen's face, and when Jensen asked him if he was scared, he was. That feeling, deep in every crevice, in his tips and peaks.
****
The closet door opens, and Jared's eyes snap open with it. Jensen is dead to the world, and when Jared glances out the window, he sees the sky gray and hazy with beginning light.
When Jared sees who it is, he sighs. "So they said no?"
Rex taps his claws together, sad and anxious. "The CDA's strict. There was no way they were going to let things slide."
Jared nods. "I know." He swallows. "You warned me."
"That said--" Rex begins.
"That said," a voice says from behind him. "What they don’t know won’t hurt them. You'll understand why this should probably remain our little secret." A monster! This blue and purple beast with horns, and teeth, and eyes.
Sully grips the doorjamb with one paw, stretches to look past Rex. Those eyes warm and shining as he stares at the pile under the covers next to Jared, whispers, "Is that Jensen?"
Jared nods, turns to look down at him. He puts a hand on Jensen's cheek. "Jensen," he says.
He’ll be really happy, Jared thinks, clearing the damp from his throat. "Jensen, wake up."
****
One last thing.
Jared, this one afternoon, he got high, crazy high, soaring on bud, and he was sprawled across a couch in Jensen's apartment, and Jensen burst out of the bathroom, bouncing a little as he zipped up his fly.
Jensen frowned at the reek in the room, but he came over to Jared, lifted Jared's head up and sat so Jared could lie back in Jensen's lap.
"I've been thinking," Jared said.
Jensen laughed. "Hm. And smoking. Can you see God in the coils of my energy-efficient light bulbs?"
"Not today."
Jensen rubbed a finger along Jared's left eyebrow. "Is Rex around?"
"No," Jared said.
"Alright, well. I'm ready. Your drug-fueled philosophy," Jensen said. "Lay it on me."
But it was hard to put into words.
Like. Yesterday, Jared overheard some frat dudes playing 'I Never', and one guy said, "I've never fucked a redhead," and Jared thought of Lisa without meaning to. She just sprang up in his mind. She didn't even have red hair.
And sometimes he'll look at Jensen and think, ‘I know your happiest face’. All the smiles Jensen had carried coalescing into one nova of light as he said, "Sully, this is Jared."
And while Jensen was in the bathroom, Jared got a text from Serge, and it said, "shit, time flies," but Jared doesn't think it does, you know? It's just enough to keep pace with, to find new ways to save the things you want to keep.
"Well?" Jensen asks, drawing rings on Jared's skin with his thumb.
Jared sighs. "It's nothing." He turns his face into Jensen's stomach, puts a hand just inside Jensen's shirt. "I'm going to buy you a blue sweater," he says.
The End.